HarmonQuest (2016) s01e03 Episode Script
Welcome to Freshport
1 Spencer: Last time on "HarmonQuest" What is your name? It's Deepak Chopra.
We need to get to Freshport to talk to our chief's brother about protecting the second runestone.
There was this red abomination.
Swept through my village.
Tons of ghosts, and everyone's freakin' out.
Spencer: The dark form coalesces in the room.
- It's one of - the Arcane Horrors That escaped from the Demon Seal.
- I run.
I run.
- What? Fondue! - It's a character - development thing.
Spencer: You chop successfully! Ahh! Spencer: You see the seaside city of Freshport.
What's that town over there? It's Freshport.
[gasps.]
- Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today, the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest"! [cheers and applause.]
The last 10% of that was sarcasm, but that's okay.
Welcome to "HarmonQuest.
" My name is Dan Harmon.
[cheers and applause.]
It's true.
Uh, I, however, am not the star of the show.
- I'm just a guy - that names things after myself.
The real star is our Game Master, Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
With me, as always, the lovely and talented Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
My other lover, Jeff Bryan Davis, is also here.
[cheers and applause.]
And our beautiful, wonderful, long-time friend and tonight's guest role-player, Steve Agee.
Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
Do you have any early memories of fantasy role-playing? I do not.
[laughing.]
- I mean - [laughter.]
- I used to beat the shit - out of kids Who did it in high school.
For real? That's great.
No! No.
Well, for any of you that don't remember what we're doing, role-playing games are like collective storytelling.
It's all taking place in our imagination, - but there is a referee, - a god, Spencer, who uses his dice to simulate randomness and his encyclopedic knowledge of rules to simulate that.
- Uh - [laughter.]
Thereby and then we can tell him whatever we want to do, and he tells us whether we've succeeded or failed and what the results were.
Well, without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
Having exited the Stonesaw Mines, you're just a short walk away from the shores and harbors of Freshport, a seaside port city on the north coast.
- You're headed there - to see Dunnin, Guardian of the second runestone.
Hey, guys, uh Hello.
Quick check-in about our behavior in the last combat session, um Hey, are you tired, Fondue? - From? - Oh, yeah.
- I imagine we all are.
- I mean, you - You look a little - out of breath still.
- Are you - Are you okay? - I'm not gonna - I-I'm not gonna - I'm not gonna be - one of those cowards That lies about being a coward.
I'm gonna be brave and tell you I'm a coward.
Look, I say - we just move on.
Let's just do our best to forget your cowardice in that moment.
- But I would say, - moving forward, - That a little more - is expected of you.
- I will redeem myself - in your eyes.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Well, we're walking on - to Freshport.
Yeah, you are.
In fact, you're treading down a paved stone path to the gates of the city, a city much bigger than your village.
A street vendor sells meat on a stick, and people fill the streets with their comings and goings.
[laughter.]
[guffawing.]
Ah, oh A very fast visual mind.
Your face lit up.
[laughter and applause.]
Spencer: You hear the sweet, sweet tones of a performing bard, - wearing a bright, - colorful tunic.
His head is adorned with sharp, demonic-like horns.
Ehh! Welcome to Freshport! Eh-hoo-hoo! I got a little song for y'all.
Welcome to my town, welcome to my town I don't like to see a frown I am a bard, I'm a hellspawn bard Won't you be my friend till the bitter end? [cheers and applause.]
I'm so delighted by the song that I get really close, - and I'm like the woman - at a concert That's the only person dancing.
Really close.
I have 80 gold pieces.
I-I'm gonna give him, uh one.
Whoa! Thanks, stranger! It's gold.
Ooh! It sure is.
My name is Tech Powers! My father, who is a human, fucked a hellspawn woman.
What's a hellspawn woman? Like a devil lady.
I've always been a big fan of dancing and singing.
Where did you learn how to do what you do? I come from a family of bards, dockworking bards.
My father was a dockworker, his father and his father and his father.
- Hey, uh - I'm sadly not, 'Cause they don't want to hire a hellspawn 'cause of the horns.
- Hey, Tech, uh, - here's five gold pieces If you'd sing me, like, a really sad ballad.
[light laughter.]
Well, this is the song about five dead babies Five dead babies In the bottom of a lake This is the song about five dead babies Five dead babies That were bitten by a snake Oh, my [laughter and applause.]
You know, I [laughs.]
- That's the saddest song - I know.
I got to tell you, even that was a toe-tapper.
[laughter.]
Say there, bard, we seek Dunnin here in Freshport.
We have dire warnings for him.
I'd like to find Dunnin myself.
He runs the docks, and I'm trying to get work as a dockworker.
- Why don't we head down - to the docks, Since we seem to have a common interest here? Follow me! Spencer: Guiding you down store-filled roads, Tech Powers whisks you down to the docks, - a busy - and fish-smelling place, Full of sailors and construction workers milling around Look at that.
- Past boathouses - and crab shacks - Whoa.
- Oh, crabs.
- To a large three - [laughs.]
- They fit so much stuff - on this dock.
- Spencer: - To a large three-story building Right on the water.
This is the union house.
Its warm, redwood-timbered frame stands head and shoulders - above any of the other - boathouses And structures in the harbor.
An armed human stands at the door, watching guard with his spear.
Inside, you hear music and dancing.
It looks as if there's some sort of party going on.
Ho, there, knave.
- That's rude.
- What? - Why'd you call him knave? - Yeah.
No, a knave is like a knight.
No, knave is stupid.
- No, no, - his name tag says "Knave.
" It's a different spelling.
It's pronounced "Ke-nah-vee.
" - "Ke-nah-vee"! - That's "Ke-nah-vee"! - Yeah, "Ke-nah-vee.
" - "Ke-nah-vee.
" Knave Freeman.
- Whoo! - Whew! Uh, hey there, Knave Freeman, we seek Dunnin, Lord of the Docks.
And we're not opposed to being invited to this party.
That would imply you don't have an invitation.
[groans.]
Can I use intimidate? - Yeah.
- All right.
What's your intimidate score? I think it's 500.
Nah.
Um, it's 4.
- 4.
- Okay.
It's 4.
Close.
All right, 10 versus Yep, 17.
No, you You fail to intimidate him.
Let me into the party! Hey, bard, bard, can just I hear tell of these bards that have, like, music with magical properties.
- Do you think you could put him - Put him to sleep? Ooh, I'll I'll sing him a lullaby.
Well, okay.
How does that go? Oh, Ke-nah-vee Oh, Ke-nah-vee Go to sleepy Oh, Ke-nah-vee Close your eyes Oh, Ke-nah-vee Go to sleepy Or I'll stab you in the thighs Spencer: The guard fails his Will save and is thusly entranced - and lullabied - Wow! Spencer: By your musical magics.
I-I enter.
Spencer: You all enter.
I can I draw a wiener on the guard's forehead? Uh, yeah, sure.
You walk upstairs into a wild and raucous affair with another band, this one Dwarven, playing a much faster and wilder style of music, - and there's a lot more people - up here.
You can't really see You can't see Dunnin yet.
Hey hey, Tech, do you must know what Dunnin looks like.
What does he look like? Dunnin has a perfectly round head Okay.
And a square body.
[laughter.]
Perfectly square? And legs with no knees.
Ah.
Well, he'll be hard to miss.
Yeah, great.
Yeah.
All right.
Scan the room for that.
Yeah.
Scanning the room with your newfound information, you do see a round-headed, square-bodied, kneeless man.
[laughter.]
- Guys, there he is.
- There he is.
Dunnin, I'm Fondue Zoobag from Earthscar.
We we bring you terrible news.
Dire news.
Where is your runestone? Oh, well, I mean, we can't just let people see it.
The Heralds of the Manticore came and stole Earthscar Village's runestone.
- You got the other - You got a second runestone.
We're here to tell you that That bad stuff's coming.
Well, do aren't we supposed to take the runestone? - We're here to tell him - to protect The runestone from being stolen.
- Are you guys trying - to take the runestone? - No! No! - No.
N-n-n-no.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
- Sorry.
No.
No.
- Look, your brother - Your brother, the chief - Your brother, - the chief of Earthscar Village, Sent us here to warn you.
We're here to help you protect the runestone - so that the Demon Seal - isn't opened.
And who are you guys? What's your deals? - These are my friends.
- I'm - Who are you? - Tech Powers.
I'm my family and all the Powers men have worked for you, but I am actually looking for employment, and I've been wanting to work here as a dockworker.
We've never had a non-human dockworker before.
Eh, you guys can put a pin in this "Movie of the Week," - and, uh - I'm half human.
Do you understand what's going on here, Dunnin? - Do you realize what - I think I think I'm catching up.
And if what you say is true, then it sounds like we're all in grave danger.
All: Yes! Come with me.
- Aah.
- Oh, jeez.
- Boy, that was pulling teeth.
- Yeah, well - He leads you out of the - Oh, I'm sorry.
I cut you off.
- No, no.
- That sounded really good.
- What? - Whatever you were gonna say.
- It sounded like - it was gonna be great.
- Say it, Fondue.
- I don't think so.
- I think it was - gonna be really good.
No, I think you're setting me up to fail.
Yeah.
Well, you got me.
"Har roww roww roww.
" That's what I was - I was just going, - "Roww roww roww.
" Spencer: Leading you out of the party, down a hallway, he-he's he's talking to you.
I've heard about them, these Heralds of the Manticore.
- They're a dangerous - and evil cult With tendrils extending throughout the world.
Their reach is great and their secrets dark.
- Their purpose - is to collect the runestones, And if they do, they'll return to their secret hideout A dungeon hidden deep within the mystical, magical Doorest Of Fores, across the Durnam Sea.
They'll certainly return there to initiate the resurrection of the Great Manticore.
Spencer: He opens a door leading into a large study.
It's full of books and bookshelves and also a desk.
As a goblin, I don't like books; I'm illiterate.
- I feel like - the written word is evil - And it steals thoughts - from your brain.
- That seems like - a convenient position to have - For an illiterate.
- I mean I could read I have the mental capacity to do that.
- I don't do it - because the written word Totally for assholes.
Yeah, I So where do you keep your rune? Oh, don't you worry.
I'm in the corner just chewing on a book.
Mad at it.
[growling.]
[growling.]
I have a bluff skill of 1.
Is that what I think it is? - I can bluff? - Yep.
Okay.
I'm gonna try I'm gonna give it a shot.
I'm I'm a Herald of the Manticore, and I know you are one too.
Ah, well Shh.
I'm bluffing.
Shit, man.
Are you? 'Cause I'm not, though.
- I use intimidate.
- Spencer: Okay.
- 'Cause I'm gonna I'm gonna - double down on your bluff.
Look, tell us what you're guarding, or things are gonna get real messy.
And not in a party way.
Also, I make sculptures out of people's bones after they die, and sometimes I don't really spend a lot of time figuring out if they have died.
That that is terrifying.
You know, it's times like these where you gotta realize what's really important.
Not archaic laws preventing non-humans from joining unions, and not runestones or magical cults, but family.
And to save my family, I had to give away the runestone to the cult.
- No! - What? - I mean, I knew it! - You fucking idiot! - Aah! - I just start peeing On all the books I can pee on.
- I-I-I get on top - of the bookcase - And just start showering pee - on every book, And I'm chewing on a book, and I'm just peeing on books.
They told me, they let me know that they'd keep us all safe as long as I murdered - the heroes that were coming - to my building What? And took the third runestone from the barbarian.
- Wait, what was that last part? - [stammers.]
- Took the third runestone - from the barbarian? Yes, took the third runestone from the barbarian's neck.
- Oh.
- She's had the third runestone - The whole time, and you gave - away the second one, - And now you wanna take - the third one? - Oh, yeah, well - Everybody - I want him to take - the third one from you, - And then - I want y'all to die.
You want you want the bard to take it from us? Well, he wants to join the union.
[laughing.]
You you think So if I kill these motherfuckers This isn't even I can be in the union like my dad and my grandpa and my great-grandpa and my great-great-grandpappy? That's all it would take, is a triple homicide.
This is not even a fair fight.
It's it's ridiculous.
What do you got? A bard versus the three of us? - Oh, well, I mean, - don't you worry.
- Spencer: He snaps his fingers - and conjures A tyrant crab and a hellhound.
- I instantly - I-I see the hellhound.
Another thing that you you guys will wanna know about goblins, - is not only do we hate - the written word, - But I hate dogs - more than probably anything.
And I see that hellhound, I take my short bow out and just start firing at that hellhound.
You fire an arrow at the hellhound.
- 10 plus 7.
- All right.
Yeah, you totally hit it.
Yep.
- Spencer: Dealing 4 damage.
- Yeah.
My favorite enemy is magical beasts.
Are these Is that a magical beast? - Spencer: It is.
- Sweet.
And I-I-I'm gonna use my bastard sword, and I'm gonna attack the The hellhound.
- Spencer: - Attacking the hellhound With the magical bastard sword, you score a great blow, dealing 19 damage.
Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
Way to go, Fondue! It's like the opposite of running away.
- I know, right? - You did good.
You did real good.
Stay in the game.
- Thank you.
- Good good peeing.
Thank you! So I I go into my Barbarian Rage.
Ful-da-roll-da-li, oh Ful-da-roll-da-lee, oh And I use my Throw Any Anything.
I'm gonna pick up Tech Powers.
Ful-da-roll-da-li, oh And I pick up Tech Powers by his by his horns, and I just start spinning Spinning at the beasts.
Ful-da-roll-da-li, oh - So where are you trying - to throw him, though? Oh, I'm throwing Uh, good question.
I think I'm spinning him towards the monsters.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
You fling him right into Dunnin.
Whoa, she threw a dude at another dude.
Li-da-di-da-di-ta-do Spencer: Dunnin takes 6 damage, but Tech is fine.
I use my level 2 Darkness Spell - to make the whole room - go pitch black.
[gasps.]
None of you can see.
- I can.
- I have Darkvision.
- Oh, shit.
- I can see everything.
Me too.
I have Low-Light Vision.
I have Low-Light Vision.
I have Darkvision as well.
- Well, um, - Low-Light Vision isn't gonna - Cut it, I'm afraid, - but Darkvision works.
That's fine.
I yeah, I'm in my own spinning world.
All right, I-I'm still on top of the bookcase, right? Yeah.
I take my rapier out, my new golden Magically sharp golden rapier, and I jump off like a matador and try to drive the sword right through the back of its crab spine Neck? - Crabs don't have spines - or necks.
- I try to get it, like, - so the - Like, underneath the shell - where the Where, like Where it goes into the shell, into the soft part.
- I try to just jab it - right through that.
- Spencer: - Leaping from the bookshelf, - You plant your sword - directly into - That part - that you wanted to, Dealing 10 damage.
That's right.
Spencer: Plus Bleeding.
The crab starts thrashing around and crashes into a bookshelf and knocks the bookshelf clean over onto itself and, uh, you.
- Evasion.
- Spencer: Okay.
Yeah, no.
- You evade the shit - out of it.
Whoop-whoop! You neatly backflip off the crab.
Whoa.
- Nice.
- Whoa.
- Spencer: You hear a crackling, - burning sound As orange orange flames - begin to spread out - in the room.
The hellhound breathes fire, and it illuminates the room, just catching all these askewed books on fire.
- Yeah! - Fuck those books! Spencer: Dunnin lunges at Fondue, with his hands crackling with electrical energy.
Aah! - Spencer: - He lunges right past you In the low light.
Have a nice lunge.
See you next fall.
[laughter.]
And I push him.
With my sword.
Oh.
That I chop him with.
- I don't want to waste - an attack.
I Spencer: You chop him right in the stomach, dealing 9 damage.
All right.
[cheers and applause.]
I-I take my My sap, and I I hit Fondue on the back of the head, saying, "I'm really sorry", but I really "fucking need this job.
" [laughter.]
Spencer: He clobbers you right in the back of the head.
Ow! Spencer: And you take 9 non-lethal damage.
I'm gonna use my axe, Only Friend.
This is on the On the dog, and - Spencer: - Your axe cleaves directly Into the back of the dog's neck, dealing 19 damage Oh! [cheers and applause.]
Spencer: He falls limp to the floor.
[laughter.]
Dunnin puts his hands together and fans out his fingers in a wide arc, and acid leaps forth.
You all evade.
You leap nimbly over the wave of acid - as it blasts - into a bookshelf - Yeah! - Spencer: Nibbling away at the At the books inside.
Fucking books.
I chop him with my sword.
- Spencer: - You chop him with your sword.
It strikes directly into that same stomach wound he had, dealing 12 damage.
[cheers and applause.]
I-I get up and And cast my Grease Spell - all over Dunnin, and I - I say, "I'm so fucking sorry, you guys.
No job is worth this.
" We'd probably only forgive you if you sang the spell.
Well [laughs.]
Gonna coat you in grease, flammable grease - Gonna coat you - in some grease Until you die and you burn Gonna burn to death with the flammable grease That was cast by me out of Uh, guilt [laughter and applause.]
- Spencer: - You spread out your hands, And a load of grease spills out onto the Onto the kneeless man.
He slips, and without knees, he can't brace himself against his newly slippery body, and he falls into the burning bookcase.
Oh Spencer: And he catches fire.
It looks like a sad stop-motion movie about a Fisher-Price figure.
I don't know.
- It looks more like - an explosion, Because, as he catches fire, he lights up so quickly that he just explodes.
- Whoa! - Aah! - Spencer: Spraying fire - all over the area, - The whole place - is engulfed in fire.
- Let's get out of this room! - [coughs.]
Spencer: The only door that led you into the room is blocked by a bookcase of fire.
- Let oh! - Ah! - I throw - I throw something.
- Which? - The the bookshelf.
Spencer: You lift the burning bookshelf - Jesus - [whimpers.]
Spencer: Even as it burns your hands.
[roars.]
Spencer: And you hurl it out of the way.
[cheers and applause.]
- Yay.
- [roars.]
Spencer: With the way clear, you exit out into the hallway.
Smoke spills out, but you hear the footsteps of several people, maybe even 10 or 20 armed guards; You can hear by the clanking of their metal plate mail.
- They've come up - to investigate, And it sounds like they're not in a reasonable mood.
Tech Powers, you're on our team now, right? - Yep.
- Tell you what.
Why don't you guys book it, and I'll distract these guys? Uh, it's the least I can do.
- Spencer: Looking around, - your only egress - Is a large - porthole-sized window In the hallway, looking out over the sea below.
I-I, uh I go up to the porthole.
Is it is it Can I just open it? Spencer: Oh, yeah.
- I open it up, - and I look down.
Spencer: But fortuitously, you see a slow passing ship.
Its rigging and mast - are swaying dangerously near - the union house.
You might be able to do something with that.
- Is it close enough - to jump to? Spencer: Uh, it might be.
I jump towards the rigging of the of the passing ship.
- Spencer: You jump! - Yep.
You land on the rigging and slide down onto a pile of hay.
All right, I [cheers and applause.]
I-I also jump.
Spencer: You land in a giant, uh, stack of feathers.
Ah! - Hey, Fondue! - Get over here.
It's the softest boat ever.
[laughter.]
I'm gonna use my acrobatic skill, which is 5, to do this, but first, I grab, uh, Tech Powers and I hold him close, and I say, "I'm no stranger" to cowardice.
"My friends have judged me.
" There's always a "A new beginning.
" - And I and I give him - a little kiss.
It's it's on the lips, and it's not sexual, but it's long for For a friend kiss.
[romantic orchestral music.]
It it's possible that my character is gay.
But you're not sure.
I-I cup his cheek and jaw, and I say, "You're beautiful.
" - And then I say, - "Get out of here.
" Aww And I push him towards the porthole.
Sexy.
- Spencer: You push him - right through, And he tumbles; He tumbles down into a large air bag on board.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
Fondue, you look You look starry-eyed.
Mm Am I? I guess it's just a beautiful night to be yourself.
[laughter.]
And I and I and I wink at the camera, - 'cause we have - a little secret now.
- Spencer: Laying in - the cargo hold, you wonder - Where the ship is headed - and whether or not - You'll be able to prevent - the Heralds From realizing their goal or if you're just delaying the inevitable.
But would our heroes be able to hide? Would the Heralds succeed in retrieving the final runestone? Find out, next time on "HarmonQuest.
" Whoa.
[cheers and applause.]
Steve Agee, everybody! - Jeff Davis.
- Erin McGathy.
Spencer Crittenden.
I'm Dan Harmon.
Join us in the next chapter of our quest on "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]
We need to get to Freshport to talk to our chief's brother about protecting the second runestone.
There was this red abomination.
Swept through my village.
Tons of ghosts, and everyone's freakin' out.
Spencer: The dark form coalesces in the room.
- It's one of - the Arcane Horrors That escaped from the Demon Seal.
- I run.
I run.
- What? Fondue! - It's a character - development thing.
Spencer: You chop successfully! Ahh! Spencer: You see the seaside city of Freshport.
What's that town over there? It's Freshport.
[gasps.]
- Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today, the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest"! [cheers and applause.]
The last 10% of that was sarcasm, but that's okay.
Welcome to "HarmonQuest.
" My name is Dan Harmon.
[cheers and applause.]
It's true.
Uh, I, however, am not the star of the show.
- I'm just a guy - that names things after myself.
The real star is our Game Master, Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
With me, as always, the lovely and talented Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
My other lover, Jeff Bryan Davis, is also here.
[cheers and applause.]
And our beautiful, wonderful, long-time friend and tonight's guest role-player, Steve Agee.
Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
Do you have any early memories of fantasy role-playing? I do not.
[laughing.]
- I mean - [laughter.]
- I used to beat the shit - out of kids Who did it in high school.
For real? That's great.
No! No.
Well, for any of you that don't remember what we're doing, role-playing games are like collective storytelling.
It's all taking place in our imagination, - but there is a referee, - a god, Spencer, who uses his dice to simulate randomness and his encyclopedic knowledge of rules to simulate that.
- Uh - [laughter.]
Thereby and then we can tell him whatever we want to do, and he tells us whether we've succeeded or failed and what the results were.
Well, without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
Having exited the Stonesaw Mines, you're just a short walk away from the shores and harbors of Freshport, a seaside port city on the north coast.
- You're headed there - to see Dunnin, Guardian of the second runestone.
Hey, guys, uh Hello.
Quick check-in about our behavior in the last combat session, um Hey, are you tired, Fondue? - From? - Oh, yeah.
- I imagine we all are.
- I mean, you - You look a little - out of breath still.
- Are you - Are you okay? - I'm not gonna - I-I'm not gonna - I'm not gonna be - one of those cowards That lies about being a coward.
I'm gonna be brave and tell you I'm a coward.
Look, I say - we just move on.
Let's just do our best to forget your cowardice in that moment.
- But I would say, - moving forward, - That a little more - is expected of you.
- I will redeem myself - in your eyes.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Well, we're walking on - to Freshport.
Yeah, you are.
In fact, you're treading down a paved stone path to the gates of the city, a city much bigger than your village.
A street vendor sells meat on a stick, and people fill the streets with their comings and goings.
[laughter.]
[guffawing.]
Ah, oh A very fast visual mind.
Your face lit up.
[laughter and applause.]
Spencer: You hear the sweet, sweet tones of a performing bard, - wearing a bright, - colorful tunic.
His head is adorned with sharp, demonic-like horns.
Ehh! Welcome to Freshport! Eh-hoo-hoo! I got a little song for y'all.
Welcome to my town, welcome to my town I don't like to see a frown I am a bard, I'm a hellspawn bard Won't you be my friend till the bitter end? [cheers and applause.]
I'm so delighted by the song that I get really close, - and I'm like the woman - at a concert That's the only person dancing.
Really close.
I have 80 gold pieces.
I-I'm gonna give him, uh one.
Whoa! Thanks, stranger! It's gold.
Ooh! It sure is.
My name is Tech Powers! My father, who is a human, fucked a hellspawn woman.
What's a hellspawn woman? Like a devil lady.
I've always been a big fan of dancing and singing.
Where did you learn how to do what you do? I come from a family of bards, dockworking bards.
My father was a dockworker, his father and his father and his father.
- Hey, uh - I'm sadly not, 'Cause they don't want to hire a hellspawn 'cause of the horns.
- Hey, Tech, uh, - here's five gold pieces If you'd sing me, like, a really sad ballad.
[light laughter.]
Well, this is the song about five dead babies Five dead babies In the bottom of a lake This is the song about five dead babies Five dead babies That were bitten by a snake Oh, my [laughter and applause.]
You know, I [laughs.]
- That's the saddest song - I know.
I got to tell you, even that was a toe-tapper.
[laughter.]
Say there, bard, we seek Dunnin here in Freshport.
We have dire warnings for him.
I'd like to find Dunnin myself.
He runs the docks, and I'm trying to get work as a dockworker.
- Why don't we head down - to the docks, Since we seem to have a common interest here? Follow me! Spencer: Guiding you down store-filled roads, Tech Powers whisks you down to the docks, - a busy - and fish-smelling place, Full of sailors and construction workers milling around Look at that.
- Past boathouses - and crab shacks - Whoa.
- Oh, crabs.
- To a large three - [laughs.]
- They fit so much stuff - on this dock.
- Spencer: - To a large three-story building Right on the water.
This is the union house.
Its warm, redwood-timbered frame stands head and shoulders - above any of the other - boathouses And structures in the harbor.
An armed human stands at the door, watching guard with his spear.
Inside, you hear music and dancing.
It looks as if there's some sort of party going on.
Ho, there, knave.
- That's rude.
- What? - Why'd you call him knave? - Yeah.
No, a knave is like a knight.
No, knave is stupid.
- No, no, - his name tag says "Knave.
" It's a different spelling.
It's pronounced "Ke-nah-vee.
" - "Ke-nah-vee"! - That's "Ke-nah-vee"! - Yeah, "Ke-nah-vee.
" - "Ke-nah-vee.
" Knave Freeman.
- Whoo! - Whew! Uh, hey there, Knave Freeman, we seek Dunnin, Lord of the Docks.
And we're not opposed to being invited to this party.
That would imply you don't have an invitation.
[groans.]
Can I use intimidate? - Yeah.
- All right.
What's your intimidate score? I think it's 500.
Nah.
Um, it's 4.
- 4.
- Okay.
It's 4.
Close.
All right, 10 versus Yep, 17.
No, you You fail to intimidate him.
Let me into the party! Hey, bard, bard, can just I hear tell of these bards that have, like, music with magical properties.
- Do you think you could put him - Put him to sleep? Ooh, I'll I'll sing him a lullaby.
Well, okay.
How does that go? Oh, Ke-nah-vee Oh, Ke-nah-vee Go to sleepy Oh, Ke-nah-vee Close your eyes Oh, Ke-nah-vee Go to sleepy Or I'll stab you in the thighs Spencer: The guard fails his Will save and is thusly entranced - and lullabied - Wow! Spencer: By your musical magics.
I-I enter.
Spencer: You all enter.
I can I draw a wiener on the guard's forehead? Uh, yeah, sure.
You walk upstairs into a wild and raucous affair with another band, this one Dwarven, playing a much faster and wilder style of music, - and there's a lot more people - up here.
You can't really see You can't see Dunnin yet.
Hey hey, Tech, do you must know what Dunnin looks like.
What does he look like? Dunnin has a perfectly round head Okay.
And a square body.
[laughter.]
Perfectly square? And legs with no knees.
Ah.
Well, he'll be hard to miss.
Yeah, great.
Yeah.
All right.
Scan the room for that.
Yeah.
Scanning the room with your newfound information, you do see a round-headed, square-bodied, kneeless man.
[laughter.]
- Guys, there he is.
- There he is.
Dunnin, I'm Fondue Zoobag from Earthscar.
We we bring you terrible news.
Dire news.
Where is your runestone? Oh, well, I mean, we can't just let people see it.
The Heralds of the Manticore came and stole Earthscar Village's runestone.
- You got the other - You got a second runestone.
We're here to tell you that That bad stuff's coming.
Well, do aren't we supposed to take the runestone? - We're here to tell him - to protect The runestone from being stolen.
- Are you guys trying - to take the runestone? - No! No! - No.
N-n-n-no.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
- Sorry.
No.
No.
- Look, your brother - Your brother, the chief - Your brother, - the chief of Earthscar Village, Sent us here to warn you.
We're here to help you protect the runestone - so that the Demon Seal - isn't opened.
And who are you guys? What's your deals? - These are my friends.
- I'm - Who are you? - Tech Powers.
I'm my family and all the Powers men have worked for you, but I am actually looking for employment, and I've been wanting to work here as a dockworker.
We've never had a non-human dockworker before.
Eh, you guys can put a pin in this "Movie of the Week," - and, uh - I'm half human.
Do you understand what's going on here, Dunnin? - Do you realize what - I think I think I'm catching up.
And if what you say is true, then it sounds like we're all in grave danger.
All: Yes! Come with me.
- Aah.
- Oh, jeez.
- Boy, that was pulling teeth.
- Yeah, well - He leads you out of the - Oh, I'm sorry.
I cut you off.
- No, no.
- That sounded really good.
- What? - Whatever you were gonna say.
- It sounded like - it was gonna be great.
- Say it, Fondue.
- I don't think so.
- I think it was - gonna be really good.
No, I think you're setting me up to fail.
Yeah.
Well, you got me.
"Har roww roww roww.
" That's what I was - I was just going, - "Roww roww roww.
" Spencer: Leading you out of the party, down a hallway, he-he's he's talking to you.
I've heard about them, these Heralds of the Manticore.
- They're a dangerous - and evil cult With tendrils extending throughout the world.
Their reach is great and their secrets dark.
- Their purpose - is to collect the runestones, And if they do, they'll return to their secret hideout A dungeon hidden deep within the mystical, magical Doorest Of Fores, across the Durnam Sea.
They'll certainly return there to initiate the resurrection of the Great Manticore.
Spencer: He opens a door leading into a large study.
It's full of books and bookshelves and also a desk.
As a goblin, I don't like books; I'm illiterate.
- I feel like - the written word is evil - And it steals thoughts - from your brain.
- That seems like - a convenient position to have - For an illiterate.
- I mean I could read I have the mental capacity to do that.
- I don't do it - because the written word Totally for assholes.
Yeah, I So where do you keep your rune? Oh, don't you worry.
I'm in the corner just chewing on a book.
Mad at it.
[growling.]
[growling.]
I have a bluff skill of 1.
Is that what I think it is? - I can bluff? - Yep.
Okay.
I'm gonna try I'm gonna give it a shot.
I'm I'm a Herald of the Manticore, and I know you are one too.
Ah, well Shh.
I'm bluffing.
Shit, man.
Are you? 'Cause I'm not, though.
- I use intimidate.
- Spencer: Okay.
- 'Cause I'm gonna I'm gonna - double down on your bluff.
Look, tell us what you're guarding, or things are gonna get real messy.
And not in a party way.
Also, I make sculptures out of people's bones after they die, and sometimes I don't really spend a lot of time figuring out if they have died.
That that is terrifying.
You know, it's times like these where you gotta realize what's really important.
Not archaic laws preventing non-humans from joining unions, and not runestones or magical cults, but family.
And to save my family, I had to give away the runestone to the cult.
- No! - What? - I mean, I knew it! - You fucking idiot! - Aah! - I just start peeing On all the books I can pee on.
- I-I-I get on top - of the bookcase - And just start showering pee - on every book, And I'm chewing on a book, and I'm just peeing on books.
They told me, they let me know that they'd keep us all safe as long as I murdered - the heroes that were coming - to my building What? And took the third runestone from the barbarian.
- Wait, what was that last part? - [stammers.]
- Took the third runestone - from the barbarian? Yes, took the third runestone from the barbarian's neck.
- Oh.
- She's had the third runestone - The whole time, and you gave - away the second one, - And now you wanna take - the third one? - Oh, yeah, well - Everybody - I want him to take - the third one from you, - And then - I want y'all to die.
You want you want the bard to take it from us? Well, he wants to join the union.
[laughing.]
You you think So if I kill these motherfuckers This isn't even I can be in the union like my dad and my grandpa and my great-grandpa and my great-great-grandpappy? That's all it would take, is a triple homicide.
This is not even a fair fight.
It's it's ridiculous.
What do you got? A bard versus the three of us? - Oh, well, I mean, - don't you worry.
- Spencer: He snaps his fingers - and conjures A tyrant crab and a hellhound.
- I instantly - I-I see the hellhound.
Another thing that you you guys will wanna know about goblins, - is not only do we hate - the written word, - But I hate dogs - more than probably anything.
And I see that hellhound, I take my short bow out and just start firing at that hellhound.
You fire an arrow at the hellhound.
- 10 plus 7.
- All right.
Yeah, you totally hit it.
Yep.
- Spencer: Dealing 4 damage.
- Yeah.
My favorite enemy is magical beasts.
Are these Is that a magical beast? - Spencer: It is.
- Sweet.
And I-I-I'm gonna use my bastard sword, and I'm gonna attack the The hellhound.
- Spencer: - Attacking the hellhound With the magical bastard sword, you score a great blow, dealing 19 damage.
Yeah! [cheers and applause.]
Way to go, Fondue! It's like the opposite of running away.
- I know, right? - You did good.
You did real good.
Stay in the game.
- Thank you.
- Good good peeing.
Thank you! So I I go into my Barbarian Rage.
Ful-da-roll-da-li, oh Ful-da-roll-da-lee, oh And I use my Throw Any Anything.
I'm gonna pick up Tech Powers.
Ful-da-roll-da-li, oh And I pick up Tech Powers by his by his horns, and I just start spinning Spinning at the beasts.
Ful-da-roll-da-li, oh - So where are you trying - to throw him, though? Oh, I'm throwing Uh, good question.
I think I'm spinning him towards the monsters.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
You fling him right into Dunnin.
Whoa, she threw a dude at another dude.
Li-da-di-da-di-ta-do Spencer: Dunnin takes 6 damage, but Tech is fine.
I use my level 2 Darkness Spell - to make the whole room - go pitch black.
[gasps.]
None of you can see.
- I can.
- I have Darkvision.
- Oh, shit.
- I can see everything.
Me too.
I have Low-Light Vision.
I have Low-Light Vision.
I have Darkvision as well.
- Well, um, - Low-Light Vision isn't gonna - Cut it, I'm afraid, - but Darkvision works.
That's fine.
I yeah, I'm in my own spinning world.
All right, I-I'm still on top of the bookcase, right? Yeah.
I take my rapier out, my new golden Magically sharp golden rapier, and I jump off like a matador and try to drive the sword right through the back of its crab spine Neck? - Crabs don't have spines - or necks.
- I try to get it, like, - so the - Like, underneath the shell - where the Where, like Where it goes into the shell, into the soft part.
- I try to just jab it - right through that.
- Spencer: - Leaping from the bookshelf, - You plant your sword - directly into - That part - that you wanted to, Dealing 10 damage.
That's right.
Spencer: Plus Bleeding.
The crab starts thrashing around and crashes into a bookshelf and knocks the bookshelf clean over onto itself and, uh, you.
- Evasion.
- Spencer: Okay.
Yeah, no.
- You evade the shit - out of it.
Whoop-whoop! You neatly backflip off the crab.
Whoa.
- Nice.
- Whoa.
- Spencer: You hear a crackling, - burning sound As orange orange flames - begin to spread out - in the room.
The hellhound breathes fire, and it illuminates the room, just catching all these askewed books on fire.
- Yeah! - Fuck those books! Spencer: Dunnin lunges at Fondue, with his hands crackling with electrical energy.
Aah! - Spencer: - He lunges right past you In the low light.
Have a nice lunge.
See you next fall.
[laughter.]
And I push him.
With my sword.
Oh.
That I chop him with.
- I don't want to waste - an attack.
I Spencer: You chop him right in the stomach, dealing 9 damage.
All right.
[cheers and applause.]
I-I take my My sap, and I I hit Fondue on the back of the head, saying, "I'm really sorry", but I really "fucking need this job.
" [laughter.]
Spencer: He clobbers you right in the back of the head.
Ow! Spencer: And you take 9 non-lethal damage.
I'm gonna use my axe, Only Friend.
This is on the On the dog, and - Spencer: - Your axe cleaves directly Into the back of the dog's neck, dealing 19 damage Oh! [cheers and applause.]
Spencer: He falls limp to the floor.
[laughter.]
Dunnin puts his hands together and fans out his fingers in a wide arc, and acid leaps forth.
You all evade.
You leap nimbly over the wave of acid - as it blasts - into a bookshelf - Yeah! - Spencer: Nibbling away at the At the books inside.
Fucking books.
I chop him with my sword.
- Spencer: - You chop him with your sword.
It strikes directly into that same stomach wound he had, dealing 12 damage.
[cheers and applause.]
I-I get up and And cast my Grease Spell - all over Dunnin, and I - I say, "I'm so fucking sorry, you guys.
No job is worth this.
" We'd probably only forgive you if you sang the spell.
Well [laughs.]
Gonna coat you in grease, flammable grease - Gonna coat you - in some grease Until you die and you burn Gonna burn to death with the flammable grease That was cast by me out of Uh, guilt [laughter and applause.]
- Spencer: - You spread out your hands, And a load of grease spills out onto the Onto the kneeless man.
He slips, and without knees, he can't brace himself against his newly slippery body, and he falls into the burning bookcase.
Oh Spencer: And he catches fire.
It looks like a sad stop-motion movie about a Fisher-Price figure.
I don't know.
- It looks more like - an explosion, Because, as he catches fire, he lights up so quickly that he just explodes.
- Whoa! - Aah! - Spencer: Spraying fire - all over the area, - The whole place - is engulfed in fire.
- Let's get out of this room! - [coughs.]
Spencer: The only door that led you into the room is blocked by a bookcase of fire.
- Let oh! - Ah! - I throw - I throw something.
- Which? - The the bookshelf.
Spencer: You lift the burning bookshelf - Jesus - [whimpers.]
Spencer: Even as it burns your hands.
[roars.]
Spencer: And you hurl it out of the way.
[cheers and applause.]
- Yay.
- [roars.]
Spencer: With the way clear, you exit out into the hallway.
Smoke spills out, but you hear the footsteps of several people, maybe even 10 or 20 armed guards; You can hear by the clanking of their metal plate mail.
- They've come up - to investigate, And it sounds like they're not in a reasonable mood.
Tech Powers, you're on our team now, right? - Yep.
- Tell you what.
Why don't you guys book it, and I'll distract these guys? Uh, it's the least I can do.
- Spencer: Looking around, - your only egress - Is a large - porthole-sized window In the hallway, looking out over the sea below.
I-I, uh I go up to the porthole.
Is it is it Can I just open it? Spencer: Oh, yeah.
- I open it up, - and I look down.
Spencer: But fortuitously, you see a slow passing ship.
Its rigging and mast - are swaying dangerously near - the union house.
You might be able to do something with that.
- Is it close enough - to jump to? Spencer: Uh, it might be.
I jump towards the rigging of the of the passing ship.
- Spencer: You jump! - Yep.
You land on the rigging and slide down onto a pile of hay.
All right, I [cheers and applause.]
I-I also jump.
Spencer: You land in a giant, uh, stack of feathers.
Ah! - Hey, Fondue! - Get over here.
It's the softest boat ever.
[laughter.]
I'm gonna use my acrobatic skill, which is 5, to do this, but first, I grab, uh, Tech Powers and I hold him close, and I say, "I'm no stranger" to cowardice.
"My friends have judged me.
" There's always a "A new beginning.
" - And I and I give him - a little kiss.
It's it's on the lips, and it's not sexual, but it's long for For a friend kiss.
[romantic orchestral music.]
It it's possible that my character is gay.
But you're not sure.
I-I cup his cheek and jaw, and I say, "You're beautiful.
" - And then I say, - "Get out of here.
" Aww And I push him towards the porthole.
Sexy.
- Spencer: You push him - right through, And he tumbles; He tumbles down into a large air bag on board.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
Fondue, you look You look starry-eyed.
Mm Am I? I guess it's just a beautiful night to be yourself.
[laughter.]
And I and I and I wink at the camera, - 'cause we have - a little secret now.
- Spencer: Laying in - the cargo hold, you wonder - Where the ship is headed - and whether or not - You'll be able to prevent - the Heralds From realizing their goal or if you're just delaying the inevitable.
But would our heroes be able to hide? Would the Heralds succeed in retrieving the final runestone? Find out, next time on "HarmonQuest.
" Whoa.
[cheers and applause.]
Steve Agee, everybody! - Jeff Davis.
- Erin McGathy.
Spencer Crittenden.
I'm Dan Harmon.
Join us in the next chapter of our quest on "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]