Heathers (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 [LIGHT STRING MUSIC.]
Welcome to Deep Regrets.
See anything you like? Heather? Can I interest you in one of our signature ruby red bracelets or two? [CHUCKLES.]
As we say here at Deep Regrets, life is fleeting.
Rubies are forever.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't think those are in my price range.
Oh, our bracelets don't cost a thing, Veronica.
All you have to do is take the first step.
[CHUCKLES.]
I did, and I've never felt better.
Oh, they make us say that.
Actually, Veronica, I thought working here would be wonderful, but honestly, it's so boring.
Eh, at least it's not the other place.
[LAUGHS.]
But I just wish there were a few more young people that worked here.
[GASPS.]
Do you think you and your new boyfriend could help me with that, Veronica? Send me someone to play with.
Oh, Heather, I would never That was an accident.
That was it was just a misunderstanding between me and JD, I Where is JD, anyway? Weird that he's not at my funeral, considering I was your best friend.
You'd think he'd be there for you.
- I I don't know.
- It's okay.
I'm sure he had better things to do besides be a good boyfriend.
Well, thank you so much for shopping at Deep Regrets.
And do be a dear and think about sending me someone to play with.
[LAUGHS.]
At this point, could be anyone.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Even you.
[GROWLS.]
[INTENSE POP MUSIC.]
Comin' for you Oh! Comin' for you Bang, bang Oh! [WOMAN VOCALIZING.]
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[EXHALES.]
Let's go, Veronica.
You owe me.
[SNAPS.]
Father, blessed be the fruit.
You obviously already know this, but my name is Heather Chandler.
And I know what you're thinking.
Why would Heather try to kill herself when I already blazed that trail days ago? We'll never know.
- She's gone, sure.
- You are fabulous.
But I'm here as a reminder of the toll suicide can take on us.
So please, let me be the vessel of all of your thoughts and all of your prayers.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE.]
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
That was so good.
Our daughter was straight.
And we love her.
We love our dead, straight daughter.
[LAUGHS.]
[POP MUSIC.]
[CRYING.]
God, all this death is making me so grief jerky.
- Hold this.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Why is Kurt texting you about blow jobs? Veronica, you have to promise me you'll never speak of this to anyone.
Why? Everybody knows Kurt's gay.
I know, Veronica.
It's not 2004.
But what no one does know is that I am hooking up with a boring jock.
Heather Chandler will ruin me if she finds out I'm sleeping with a sentient woven belt.
You can't live in fear of Heather, Heather.
[SCOFFS.]
You're so pretty and so dumb.
Speaking of, you should double with Kurt and I.
Ram is always such a third wheel and you both love appetizers.
No, I don't know.
I mean, I have this thing - going with JD, so - Really, Veronica? If the Unabomber likes you so much, how come he didn't come to Heather M's funeral? [CHUCKLES.]
You used to climb through my window.
Now you just send me a text that says, "Here.
" How Mr.
Darcy of you.
Babe get in.
Actually, I think I'm just gonna stay in tonight, JD.
Rough day and all with my best friend's funeral.
The one you didn't show up for.
And sit through another episode of Westerberg's hit new show "Grief: Who Wore It Best?" No thank you.
JD Heather was my best friend.
Veronica.
That funeral had nothing to do with Heather McNamara.
If you wanna honor her, honor her.
But don't pretend her funeral had anything to do with her.
Everyone in that room killed Heather.
And then, with her body still warm they all crowd around, jerk off and pretend to be shocked that the pretty, young girl they all ignored slit her wrists.
Heather's funeral was just the dirty tissue in our town's inevitable exercise in masturbatory absolution.
Night.
Well, we need to do something.
I mean, this is an epidemic.
Two girls have committed suicide.
Don't do that, Pauline.
The first one doesn't count.
I don't want that on my record.
Well, maybe you should've listened to me and tried to intervene with Heather McNamara - when you had the chance.
- You know that's not fair.
No one could've known that heather McNamara was hurting.
Well, she certainly didn't look suicidal.
- Her skin was flawless.
- Mm.
What we need to do is connect with these kids.
Radical empathy.
- What? - I propose that we cancel classes for the entire week.
And instead, we bring everyone together to just sit in each other's presence and just be.
Pauline, whenever you're ready to climb out of the Whole Foods bulk bin, we'll be here - having an adult conversation.
- Maurice, we have to do something.
- Maybe a bake sale? - Teens like muffins.
- Yeah.
- Sugar.
We're gonna feed - suicidal kids sugar.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Principal Gowan, it's so interesting that you say this.
Okay, these kids don't need radical empathy.
They don't need a bake sale.
What they need is something that'll truly help them heal.
What they need is high school musical theater.
Right? Yes? Thank you.
Now, as you all know, I was planning on mounting an upscale production of "Rent," but in light of recent events, I have been working on in my own time, mind you an original musical, written by me.
"Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It.
" Music and lyrics by Maurice Dennis.
Principal Gowan, the last thing we need to do - is glorify suicide.
- No, no, it says "Don't do it.
" It has "suicide" in the title.
You clearly know nothing about theater, Pauline.
Can we maybe make the word "don't" bigger? Oh, well, you know what? Actually, these are quite pricey to have printed up.
I I don't know, Maurice.
This seems like it could be in in poor taste.
Why don't we do "Our Town" again? - Nobody complained about that.
- Okay, well then I guess that Mr.
Steven Spielberg should never have told the story of "Schindler's List" because somebody just didn't wanna see a swastika.
Right? Or maybe Dr.
King should've kept it all in his dream journal.
And maybe Candace Marie Bergen should've just stayed a model and turned down a little show called "Murphy Brown.
" Well, I'm sorry.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry, you guys.
But Maurice Dennis will not be silenced.
Art, Principal Gowan, is bold.
Art is vital.
Art heals.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
All right, fine, fine.
Uh, put on your little skit.
But one parent complaint and it's back to "Our Town.
" Thank you.
Thank you.
[JIDENNA'S "LONG LIVE THE CHIEF".]
Long live the chief Uh They wanna be the king, but Long live the chief For a lil old thing lil boys bang bang Long live the chief Fighting over rings wanna be the king - But long live the chief - Heather, are you gonna audition for the lead? Seth, what did we say about speaking - to Heather in public? - Heather, it's okay.
We're here for them now.
Of course I'm going to audition for the lead.
I'm always the lead.
And now, more than ever, Westerberg needs me.
Pen.
Heather, bend over.
Heather, aren't you going to sign up, too? The school musical's always your thing, Heather.
Heather, not having you audition would be like sending a dick pic without a water bottle next to it.
I need you there for perspective.
I know everyone's talking about Heather McNamara right now, but I still think Heather Chandler's - suicide was better.
- Heather M's felt forced.
There wasn't a true moment during any of it.
So have you given any more thought to doubling with Ram and I? Yeah, I don't know.
I don't really feel like getting date raped on a school night.
I know he seems like a total boat shoe, but actually, he's really just.
Please, Veronica.
I can't bear to listen for another night talking each other out of IQ points.
- [UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- [LASER GUNS BLASTING.]
Welcome.
The outbreak began six months ago in Sherwood, Ohio and quickly spread.
And you are the only survivors.
Have a great day and remember, you run and you're done.
Um, do you have any other vest options? This one obscures my broach.
[BUZZING.]
[LASERS BLASTING.]
I feel like we should go to college in New York.
Or maybe London.
Wherever I go, you have to go with me.
God, that feels like such a far off dream, to be out of Sherwood, Ohio.
Please don't talk to me like that, Veronica.
- I'm not a lesbian.
- Oh, so you mean you don't wanna stay here and raise Kurt's kids? Oh, God, the thought of me in a kitchen with a wallpaper border? No, no, no, no no.
Well, is the sex good? Veronica, who are you? [BOTH LAUGH.]
And I don't know, I only let him suck me off.
I would return the favor, but I honestly can't be bothered.
Ooh! Scooch.
[LASER BLASTING.]
What about you? Jackie 4Chan still doing it for you? I mean [SIGHS.]
I don't know, it's like one minute I can't breathe without him and then the next minute, it's like, he's just skipping Heather's funeral.
And I mean, I don't even know where we stand.
Like, are we dating or God, it's so confusing.
I feel like we're either gonna become the next Will and Kate or Bonnie and Clyde.
[CHUCKLES.]
What do you think, Heather? Oh, thank you.
I honestly just avoid sugar.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Since I came, I been up in the game It's no debating it That's why it's hard to explain Why these lames is hatin' it When all I do is show love Get love from overseas I know, right? [CAMERA SHUTTER BURSTING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
- caricatures.
- I feel, actually, - I have a little box.
- God.
[LAUGHTER.]
And I tried to explain I was acting.
- My rage was too real.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I miss our wine nights.
- [GLASSES CLINK.]
Oh, you know, I wish you had come to New York with me.
- Oh.
- You were so talented.
- No! No.
- Look at me, Martha.
Martha! You know it.
- I wish I did, too.
- Yeah.
To be honest, but then I got pregnant - with that little surprise.
- Oh, [LAUGHS.]
Well, hey, at least your big, beautiful voice - lives on in her.
- That's very sweet - of you to say.
- Mm.
It is big, I'll give her that.
[LAUGHS.]
I guess she tries.
What? Tries? Oh, no, wait, Martha.
- Heather is amazing.
- [LAUGHS.]
I actually want her in "Teenage Suicide.
" - I have a role for her.
- No! - Yes.
- What role would that be? Funny fat friend? Busty grand dame? Magical troll? Mrs.
Clause? - No! The lead.
- [CACKLES.]
- The lead.
Maurice! - What? You do not have to keep on doing this just to help her self-esteem.
You are way too generous to me.
- Okay.
- Frankly, I worry for your production.
Well, you are the visionary, I didn't mean to - Thank you.
- I love a good boxed wine.
Oh, me too.
[LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- Change teams! - [LASER BLASTS.]
- [VEST BEEPING.]
- Bang, gotcha.
What are you doing? The other said, um, there's an antidote or something in the armory.
Yeah, this isn't really my thing, Ram.
Okay, Veronica, not everything has to be all dark and depressing all the time.
Okay, I mean, we are in high school I think you're allowed to have fun sometimes.
Okay, you know what? Tell you what, I promise I'll tell Heather that you rolled your eyes the whole time and it'll be our little secret.
- Okay.
Okay, okay.
- Come on! Push, push, push, push.
We're clear, so Okay, push, push, push, in the corner, corner, corner.
Come on.
All right, see? That's the antidote.
- We just have to get that.
- Okay.
All right, cool, cool.
Shoot! All right.
This is you, Captain Sawyer.
I have faith that you will save the human race.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay, okay.
- You got this.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I wanna eat your brains.
[LASER BLASTING.]
- Oh, shoot.
- Oh, no, that's okay.
- You missed.
- No, no, it's okay.
Just aim for that light right there and you'll get it, okay? [LASER BLASTING.]
- Uh! - Die, zombie scum.
- It was perfect.
- Good shot.
I'm out.
Looks like you're on your way - to saving the - Shut up! Well, you saved Ohio, Captain Sawyer.
- Well done.
- Thank you, - Lieutenant Sweeney.
- Yeah.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
We should go find Heather.
Uh, yeah, no, yeah, yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Just just don't run.
- Oh, oh.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
[GASPS.]
Who's the new girlfriend, son? Didn't expect you home, Dad.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm Teyna, with a Y.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I met your dad at Pilates.
I just moved here from Louisville, and I don't know a soul.
So I decided to take a bunch of classes just to meet people.
I took spinning, I took yoga, I took what's called cardio barre, I took one of those pottery classes, - I took spinning - She's fascinating, son.
JD was just going to his room to study.
Oh, never.
You look like you haven't eaten in days.
We gotta put some meat on those bones so you grow up to be just like your father.
So tell me, JD, do you have a girl that's sweet on you? A girlfriend? She pretty? I know it's not, like, the cool thing with y'all young kids, but if you want my advice, I say you get married and have little ones as soon as possible.
Nothing more important than starting a family.
[CHUCKLES.]
Marriage is a wound.
Marriage is fear.
It's weakness.
Marriage, Teyna with a Y is the public announcement that you are not whole as a person.
And then on top of that, to hold a giant celebration to advertise the fact that you alone are not enough and you need an entire other human to staunch the bleedings of your own inadequacies.
And then on top of that, to ask people to bring gifts to the celebration of your death as an individual.
So, do I plan to get married? No.
No, Teyna, I don't.
Mmm, this is great steak, son.
[LIGHT ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I had a great time tonight, Veronica.
I did, too.
- Well, good.
I'm glad.
- Good.
- Good, good.
- No, I'm glad.
Um, and I know that this, um is probably not a very good time to ask, but Yeah, Ram, I'm not gonna sleep with you.
I was just gonna ask if you were okay.
Since Heather McNamara and all.
- Oh.
- I just figured if you ever needed to talk to somebody about that, I would I would totally do that.
- Thanks, Ram.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, hey, I can I can get that for you.
Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Night, Ram.
- Good night, Veronica.
BOTH: Bye.
Kurt, go further down.
Someone could see us.
Heather why do we always gotta do all this sneaking around? My parents want to meet you.
Well, tell them they can as soon as their son learns how to suck me off.
I guess it's probably not the best time to give you this, then.
It's my class ring.
- Pewter? - I had it engraved with the first thing you ever said to me.
BOTH: "Stop staring at me, urinal cake.
" That's really sweet.
Fine, I'll allow your parents to meet me tomorrow.
Thank you.
Heather? Good night.
Good night, Kurt.
[WHISPERS.]
God.
[LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Jade! Can you please clap your ass to stripper music at a lower volume? I feel like I'm in Daytona.
Hello, Heather.
- Heather.
- It's funny, Veronica wasn't answering my texts which, of course, is unacceptable because we have so much to do to prep for my audition.
And so, I went over to her house.
And do you know what Mrs.
Sawyer told me? She said that Veronica and Ram were out on a double date with you and Kurt.
Now I think we both know Veronica's a total boot-cut jean, so I expect her to be making poor choices.
- But you, Heather? - Heather, I can explain.
At first, I was like, why would Heather do this to me? And of course, I started to plan how I was going to destroy you at Westerberg.
But then I remembered that you haven't been through what I've been through.
So you're not enlightened yet.
It's not your fault, you just you don't know any better.
So everything is okay? Did you eat a brain tumor for brunch, Heather? Of course it's not okay.
You tried to hide a relationship from me.
You know I don't allow plus ones without prior approval and as such, I'm gonna need you to break up with Kurt tomorrow in the cafeteria in front of everyone.
- Heather, I can't - Everyone needs to know your crime, Heather.
You brought a bachelorette party into a gay bar.
And now you have to pay.
It's either us or him.
[INTENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Hey, Heather.
Kurt, you're not working out.
But I lifted this morning.
Kurt, look at me.
- Okay.
- Now look at you.
Okay.
I don't I don't understand.
I am a mountain lion.
And you're a cross-eyed dumpster cat.
I tear out hikers' throats, and you chase laser dots across linoleum.
I make entire species go extinct.
And you can at most dream of the day when you learn to flush a toilet.
Sure, we're both cats, Kurt.
But cashmere and burlap are also both fabrics.
[CHUCKLES.]
Us together just upsets the natural order of things.
And it would be rude to allow all the other dumpster cats here at Westerberg to continue thinking that they, too, could possibly, one day, date a lion.
So I have to break up with you.
For them.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Gosh, Heather.
Super mean way to treat the mentally challenged.
Who is this? And what is that? This is Lizzy.
She's new and is in foster care.
- Hi.
- Ew.
Lizzy's literally never had a home.
Isn't she just? First you make me break up with Kurt and now this.
Heather McNamara dies and you fill our table with losers? Don't look at me.
Are you done? Good.
Come on, Lizzy, I'll show you where all the best lighting at Westerberg is.
Heather, grab our bags.
Where were you? We were supposed to get lunch.
You know, a heads-up from my boyfriend - would've been nice.
- Boyfriend? Veronica, you make what we have sound so high school.
Yeah, maybe because we are in high school.
Okay, no.
What we have isn't prom or keggers before curfew.
What we have transcends high school.
I thought you weren't like the rest of them.
Well, maybe I am like them.
Maybe they're not so bad.
Maybe you just don't have them as figured out as you think that you do.
Actually, you know what? I went on a date with Ram, and I liked it.
He wore his letterman jacket and talked about sports and I had a great time.
It was normal, JD.
Something that I haven't seen in a long time.
Do you think you're gonna make me jealous because you went on a date with Ram? Because I'm not.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Why would you be? 'Cause you are so beyond labels like boyfriend and girlfriend.
Right? JD, you think that you are so much smarter and so much deeper than everybody at Westerberg.
I just see high school for the totalitarian cesspool that it is.
JD, you have the political beliefs of a dorm room poster.
[BELL RINGS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Dear diary, is it bad if I only went out with Ram to make JD jealous? Is that even what I'm doing? Maybe I actually like Ram.
Things definitely are a lot easier with him.
Whatever, diary.
I'm a girl and I want boys to like me.
Call the God damn cops.
And not just like me, I want them to die for me.
And you watch, diary, it's gonna work.
JD is going to come climbing through that window any minute now, begging me to take him back.
[WINDOW OPENS.]
- Ram? - Hi, uh Can I show you something? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[HORN HONKS.]
Here we are.
Heather, it's not too late to back out.
I don't want my baby to be humiliated.
Pick me up at nine.
Oh, and Mom, Dad, this is Lizzy.
- We need to adopt her.
- Oh, well, I don't know Oh, my God.
You guys never buy me anything.
It's so nice to meet you.
Turns out you shouldn't do Tennessee Williams actually drunk.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Heather, why is Lizzy touching your face? - That's my job.
- Uh, Lizzy does a better contour than you.
I've had to cover up a lot of bruises.
Ew.
Heather, the best thing you can do now to make me look good is go out there and sing.
The comparison will definitely be flattering.
Heather, don't you think replacing Heather M with another person of color is a little on the nose? No offense, Lizzy, was it? Heather, you must be confused.
Lizzy isn't the new Heather M.
She's the new Heather you.
Well, then, maybe I won't agree to your little audition plan, then, Heather.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, Heather.
Didn't you learn your lesson when I was gone? You tried to take my place, become number one.
And you failed.
And why is that, Heather? Because being number one just isn't in your bones.
You're a parsley sprig.
You're a dinner roll.
You're a side salad.
Heather Duke.
Oh, knock 'em dead, lion.
Okay, Lizzy, teachable moment.
Whenever a friend steps out of line, you gotta yank that leash right back in or they will walk all over you.
You're the smartest person I know, Heather.
[SIGHS.]
Let's take a pic.
Document this moment.
Ready? [SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Oh, Lizzy, you have got to find your light.
[LAUGHS.]
You have so much to learn.
Now go out there and cheer for me.
[MOODY FINGER SNAPS.]
"Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It" is a WIP.
That's industry talk for work in progress.
So we're auditioning you all with one of the classics.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, and we actually don't have the rights to this song, so nobody film this.
[PLAYING KEYBOARD.]
When the night falls down I wait for you and you come around And the world's alive With the sound of kids on the street outside When you walk into the room You pull me close and we start to move And we're spinning with the stars above And you lift me up in a wave of love Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth - You say in heaven - Nice.
Love comes first We'll make heaven a place on Earth Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth When I feel alone I reach for you and you bring me home When I'm lost at sea I hear your voice and it carries me In this world, we're just beginning - In this world - To understand - The miracle of living - Of living - Baby, I was afraid before - I was afraid - I'm not afraid anymore - Any anymore Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth They say in heaven, love comes first We'll make heaven a place on Earth Oh, heaven is a place on Earth Oh! Ohh! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! - [MOUTHING.]
- [MOUTHING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Out of my way.
Hello! Welcome to the theater.
I think we found our lead.
Welcome to the lead.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, keep going, keep going.
- Okay, are you ready? - Yeah.
- You sure? - Yes.
Okay.
Check it out.
Are we at Butcher's Bridge? Yes, yeah, we are.
So, old town legend, after General Westerberg he pillaged and conquered the Mickashawnee tribe, he took his squaw, Little Feather, to this very spot to make her his bride.
So they say that if you kiss at Butcher's Bridge, that you'll be married forever.
Ram, Little Feather was 12.
Yeah, I I know.
That was it was back in the olden days, though, so it was cool.
But, um My my parents kissed here, so I I kinda thought it'd be romantic, but I I kinda screwed up, huh? No.
No, I mean, I think that this is really sweet.
- And you made a picnic.
- Yeah, spaghetti, with extra oregano, just for you.
And I got here a couple hours earlier and did all the lights.
I I wanted it to look perfect, so, yeah.
So So.
You wanna see if the legend of Butcher's Bridge is true? ["HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH" ON PIANO.]
[ZAPPING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Damn it.
Okay, all right, just hang on.
I'm gonna fix that real quick.
Because I really wanted that to be perfect.
- It was perfect, just hang on.
- Okay.
Close close your eyes, okay? - Okay.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
- You're not gonna leave, are you? - No! - Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
[RUSTLING.]
[BRANCHES CRACKING.]
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
- Ram? - [WHIRRING.]
[THUD, CRACKING.]
[SCREAMS.]
You wanted me to be jealous, right? Well, congratulations, Veronica Sawyer.
I'm jealous.
I'm jealous every moment I'm not with you.
I'm jealous of every breath you inhale and every drop of rain that gets to fall on your cheek.
I'm jealous of every passing car that has the privilege to wear your reflection.
And wonder at how fucking beautiful and perfect you are.
[SIGHS.]
And to ask Ram to even comprehend a girl like you is a God damn crime.
I need you to say something because I can just keep talking.
You had me from the moment I saw Ram's lifeless body.
Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth They say in heaven - Love comes first - I love you, Veronica.
We'll make heaven a place on Earth I love you too, JD.
Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth They say that in Heaven love comes first We'll make heaven a place on Earth Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth Ooh, heaven is a place on Earth