Hebburn (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

1 I hope everyone gets on.
Of course they will.
I hope we're doing the right thing.
Inviting them up here.
I mean, Hebburn might be outside my mum and dad's comfort zone.
Hey, Hebburn is outside everybody's comfort zone.
It's important they meet your folks.
It'll be fine.
Besides, your mum and dad are great.
They're not that great.
No, they're not, are they? And you know how sniffy Mum can be.
Relax.
What's there to be sniffy about round here? Well? What do yous think? What is it? It's me costume, for the fancy dress party tonight at Swayze's.
I know, but what are you meant to be? Harry Potter.
In a bikini? I'm Sexy Harry Potter, aren't I? Denise! They didn't get it! Sarah, are you entering the Fancy Dress tonight? No, I told you, my mum and dad are coming up.
Well, if you change your mind, I've got a Sexy Susan Boyle costume left over from last year.
You'll have to comb through the fake eyebrows but other than that it's cushty.
All right, Jack? What are you going as, Denise? An Egyptian lifeguard? Sexy Mother Theresa, actually.
Oh, well, now you've said it, it's obvious.
So, have you got anything to confess? Aye, since the last time you saw this outfit, I've sewn up the knickers.
Oh! And you are done.
Jesus.
She's so in your face, she's virtually poking out the back of your head.
Am I always going to be reminded that you went out with your sister's best friend? Don't let Denise get to you.
All right, I went out with her, but I married you.
Yeah, I suppose.
Look, I'm sorry about all this.
It's not exactly what I had in mind for us.
By now, I thought we'd have a place in the country, cinema room, butler wandering about.
Not be back here with me mam and dad, paper thin walls and the ghost of slappermas past.
'I'm not a ghost, I'm Mother Theresa.
' Look, we should be grateful.
Your mum's going to a lot of trouble for my parents.
She knows more about being Jewish than I do.
And I've spent my whole life being it.
Oh, not again.
Why do we have to wear these? What? The gloves.
Why do we have to wear the gloves? Because if that girl's going to be living under our roof, I want her parents to know we are abiding by their culture.
They're Jewish, Pauline.
Not health inspectors.
And they have rules, Joe! About food preparation! There's nothing the internet knows that I don't about Judaism.
And the last thing these people want is our gentile paws all over their dinner.
We don't want to kvetch them, not today.
You what? Kvetch, Joe! Kvetch! Like you're making me right now! Look at me, this is me, proper kvetched.
I don't like it round here.
It looks very rough.
Excuse me? What are you doing?! Asking for directions.
Y'after? We were wondering if you Trick or treat.
Sorry? Look, right.
Trick or treat? Have you not heard of trick or treat? Well, yes But it's daytime.
And it's April.
It's a big town.
I start early.
I canna do it all in one night.
I'm not Santa.
I'm sorry, we don't carry treats around on the off-chance.
We're actually looking for the Pearson house.
Oh, what, you think this is such a diddy little place that we all know each other, do yous? The Pearson house? Joe and Pauline? You must be Sarah's mam and dad.
That's us.
I still want me treat.
No, Hutchy man, they're guests! Look, here.
Here's twenty pence.
Go down Booze Busters and get yourself something.
Twenty pence? Nah, it's still going through their window for twenty pence.
I've got some change down here.
No, Sarah's mam.
He's got to learn boundaries.
And as a parent, I've got to teach him.
Here's two pounds.
The mature decision.
Tell your mam I canna look after you this weekend! And try to go to school! Maybe Wednesday? Dipstick! So um, the Pearson house? No bother.
I'll show yous where it is.
I'm going there meself.
Just got a couple of things to do on the way.
Oh, put that on.
Hey, say what? What? I'm going to do it What's that? Hands up, hands up Shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake Shake, shake, shake Don't be nervous, you look gorgeous.
You look pretty good yourself.
I wish we could spend the evening up here, just the two of us.
I hope nothing saucy's going on in there? We'd get more privacy if we were in the Big Brother house.
Who are you supposed to be now? Desert Orchid? No, I'm Donkey.
Sexy Donkey.
Denise is Sexy Shrek.
Shreksy.
To be honest, I don't know why I'm bothering.
You win every year anyway.
Well, she is sleeping with the judge.
I'm not sleeping with Gervaise cos he's judging the fancy dress! I'm sleeping with him cos he's a singer.
I'm glad we're not going.
I don't think we could compete with Sea Biscuit and the Incredible Hulk.
MAM! Tell him! Here you go, this is the place.
Not pebble dashed, that's unexpected.
Thanks for your help.
I'm Ben, by the way, and this is my wife, Susan.
Nice one.
And you are? I'm Denise's boyfriend.
Yes, but do you have a name? I've got loads, but it depends on her mood.
Howay then! Let's give them a knock.
Joe! Get them sandwiches covered! Vicki, get back upstairs and get some clothes on! Sarah, you let them in.
And Jack, just try not to look so gormless.
Me? I'm full of gorm.
I'm the king of gorm.
I'm "gormet".
Is any one listening? No? Did you find the place OK? Yes, eventually.
Meee shalom to yous! Not today, flower.
All right, no bother but can you tell Denise that I'll see her down the pub later? No.
Eh, I did get that right, didn't I? Me shalom? Oh, yes, perfect - a textbook shalom.
Joe! Get the kettle on! Ben and Susan are here.
I've already shalomed them.
Sorry about the classic Hebburn weather, like.
Give us your coats.
I'm fine, thanks.
Joe's already making you a cuppa.
Could I have a coffee? Joe! Susan's changed her mind, she'd prefer coffee! I don't think we've got any! Yes, we do, Joe! I got some in yesterday! It's in the pantry! Pantry? Yes.
Next to the refrigerator! Ah, by the library in the east wing? Please feel free to ignore Joe, I find it's best.
Howay, we'll take you into the good room.
Thank you.
Not everyone gets to come in here, you know? Yes, I can see why.
So, here we are then.
It's not much, but we all fit in, don't we, Sarah? Yeah, pretty much.
You've been very brave with your colours, Pauline.
Oh, thank you, Susan.
We would have had Sarah and Jack to stay with us.
But after the kids left, we decided we didn't need the BIG house any more, so we downsized to the bungalow.
We're fine here, Mum.
Pauline's made us feel very welcome.
Oh, you've no worries leaving your Sarah here with us.
This is a very traditional, family environment.
Mam, have you got any more ribbon? Erm in the kitchen drawer, I think, pet.
All right.
You all right? Hello.
Are they your daughters? Just the one without the beard.
Do you want a hand with the drinks, Dad? No ta, son.
It's all become much easier now we've got a pantry.
What are you after? I need a bigger bow for me hair, I'm Sexy Snow White.
I'm going to be a sexy, tall dwarf.
Presumably not Bashful? Is there one called Skanky? Hey, do you remember when me and you won the fancy dress, Jack? As Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears? Aye, dead authentic that because when they split up, she went off her nut and all.
I never shaved me head! Have you done fancy dress, Dad? Well, I wanted to be Robbie Williams for the night.
But your mam wouldn't entertain it.
That was very good.
So they said it should be fairly straight forward to transfer my PHD to Newcastle University.
I didn't know Newcastle had a university.
Is that a new thing? No, I think they've always had it.
Ben, Susan, this is me dad - Joe.
Lovely to meet you, I'm Susan, this is Ben.
Sit, down, sit down.
In this house you only need to stand up if you arse is on fire.
Oh, lovely.
Aperitifs for the thirsty.
I've done sandwiches for later.
Kosher and halal just so there's no favouritism.
That's your coffee there, flower.
Hope it's all right.
Yeah, the water up here's a little bit different to York - it's a bit more tangy.
How was your drive up, Ben? Oh, no, no traffic talk, Joe.
Actually, Susan does all the driving.
Oh, right.
Susan was just telling me about their downsized bungalow.
What's a downsized bungalow look like? Is it just a roof? No, we downsized to the bungalow from a bigger house that we used to have.
Err Joe was joking, Dad, he does that.
Ben used to do that, didn't you, when we first met? I don't bother with that much now.
It's really great that we could all get together like this.
It's so nice.
And to think, we were worried you might be a bit awkward.
Imagine that.
But we're just Getting on like a bungalow on fire, eh, Ben? Right, seeing as this is all going so well, I'd best go and spring me mam from the retirement village.
We call it "Grantanamo Bay" but she doesn't laugh.
I'll come give you a hand, find out which dead celebrity has been visiting her in her sleep this week.
Sarah? Thank you.
Right, we'll just sit here and get better acquainted.
We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams, like.
Aye.
Gervaise, Big Keith.
Pint please, Prince Charming, the lasses will be along in a minute.
Felicitations of the evening, young rapscallion.
Tell me your wildest wishes that I might fashion them in candy for you.
Is he trying to chat me up? No, I'm Willy Wonka, man! Ah, right.
I thought you were that smug bloke off the Monopoly box.
What's he supposed to be then? Jodie Marsh's mam? This is me trusty Oompa-Loompa.
Right, so Wonka, eh? If you ask me, you look more like a wan That's what I said.
So, what have you come as? You on a bad day? No, I'm going to get changed in a bit.
So, how's it going with Denise then? Well, we're still in the wooing phase.
The thing about Denise is she's sophisticated.
So, what's your game plan, big guy? Well, I'm going to just make her eyes sing and her heart dance.
She's got to feel giddy, light-headed, carefree.
How? I'm just going to get her lashed.
Mint.
Target acquired, let's get ready to rumble.
All right? Let me guess - Sexy Nigella? Good lad.
Well? Sexy Noel Edmonds? No deal.
Mmm-hmm.
And this is Sarah receiving her degree from Bishop Desmond Tutu.
He was very impressed when I told him about the shoe shop.
How many photos did you say you could fit on your iPad? Thousands.
Oh, wonderful.
So many.
Well, that's enough photos now, Mum.
She'll be getting out the dental records next.
And of course our other daughter works overseas.
She helps impoverished people get into education.
Our Vicki used to work overseas - Magaluf.
Helping people get in the clubs.
She just works in the local florist now.
There's no just about it.
At least she's got a job.
Not like Jack.
He's impulsive.
"Follow your heart.
" That's what we've always told our kids, chase your dreams.
Well, there's impulsive and just plain foolish, isn't there? Quitting his job before he'd even signed off on his book deal? They've got no money, they've had to sell the car.
It was just the same when we were in Vegas.
Mum! You promised! You were there? At the wedding? We decided to use the money from the downsizing to join the kids in Vegas.
I'm so sorry, Pauline.
We honestly didn't go out there planning to get married.
No, not at all.
We were all a few sheets to the wind.
Do you remember, Susan? When you laughed? I'm so sorry, Pauline, I didn't mean to put my foot in it.
It doesn't matter.
It's nothing I mean, it's not as if it's a big thing What are they like, then? The Jewish shoe people? They're people, Gran, just like everybody else.
I know that, I'm not a bloody bigot.
I knew a Jew once.
Do you think they'll know him? Let's not ask and just assume they don't, eh? Yeah, so have you got everything? Hang on, I'll just kiss Tigger before we go.
She kisses that thing more than she's ever kissed me.
Considering how loose her false teeth are, you want to count your blessings, mate.
Cheeky buggers.
Come on then, Joseph.
You've left Sarah's parents alone with your wife and you know how she rubs people up the wrong way.
No, that's you that does that.
And leave the light on.
Tigger doesn't like being in the dark on his own.
He might not like the dark, but I bet he loves being on his own.
Vicki Pearson, ladies and gentlemen.
Fix! You was robbed there mate, robbed! She looks nowt like her! I'd just like to say, that winning this award for the third year running, is, as usual, a total surprise.
Get off the stage.
Get off! Fix! Taxi booked for you, howay! I reckon you should have won that.
You look amazing.
Yeah? Well, you look like a thick geography teacher.
What are you supposed to be? I'm Doctor Who.
I thought you would have loved it, Denise.
Last year you told Vicki you always dreamed of ending up with a doctor.
When did I say that? When you were over by the Gambler last summer.
And your hair looked lush, like damp, brown straw.
Eee! Eh! It's a shame there's not a second prize, Denise you could've won that.
Aye, second prize - story of my life.
Don't be like that, Denise man, you should be happy for us.
Like when Cheryl won FHM's Sexiest Woman Of The Year and the rest of Girls Aloud were dead chuffed for her.
Cos they knew it didn't mean that they were munters.
Just that in comparison, they were slightly munter-ish.
Aye.
I'm over the moon.
Aw, don't be down hearted, Denise.
Given the choice, I'd go munter every time.
I suppose we'd best get back.
Mind, that Ben's a bit of a laugh, isn't he? What does he do for an encore? His tax return? It can't easy for him though.
Susan is a bit uptight and controlling.
Son, your mam is uptight and controlling but compared to Susan, she's like Winnie the Pooh.
Hey, I hope that thing about women turning into their mothers isn't true.
Oh, no, that's nonsense, pet.
Look at my mam - she was a nosey, interfering, old cow.
We're lucky that skipped a generation then! Listen, pet, about your new wedding You ARE going to do it properly, aren't you? None of this new-fangled, metro-sexy, business where the groom looks like the bride and the bride looks like Lady-bloody-Gaga.
God, no, it's just going to be a little service.
Sarah's not Bridezilla and I'm not Groom Kong.
Buttercup Yellow.
What? It's not a colour you see enough of on a bridesmaid but I think your bridesmaids would be a vision in Buttercup Yellow.
Gran, I don't know if we're going to have bridesmaids.
It's just going to be a small do.
No, no, you want a traditional do.
So that by the end, every single person is crying their eyes out.
I feel like crying now.
Mam, it'll not be a wedding as such, it's a blessing.
Next you'll be telling me that Jack won't be wearing a top hat.
The thing is, Gran, I'm not really about top hats.
I think they tend to make people look like dicks.
A well-deserved win.
A lovely little Nigella.
Stop it.
But you enjoyed my dwarf work too? Oh, amazing pet.
You towered over the other dwarves.
Me Shreksy was better but Vicki said I don't suit green.
I told you, Denise, it made you look all bloated like a toad, pet, dwarf is much more dignified.
Boo! Oh, brilliant, the Jarrow lads.
Come on, A Little Less Conversation, shift it, I need a drink.
Just come to join your party, like.
Hey, Dazza, let's not bother going on that pub crawl.
Let's just stay here all night.
You're not welcome.
And what are you going to doop-a-dee-doo about it? Nowt.
Nowt.
You want to have another wedding!? It's only fair, Mum.
You were at our first one and Pauline just wants to watch her son get marr Ah, the klutz, Susan, the brave, romantic klutz that he is.
But love makes klutzes of us all, doesn't it, Ben? I mean, you must've been a bit of a klutz when you fell for Susan? What kind of wedding? Something a little more traditional.
Where Jack isn't dressed as Elvis and I'm not retching into a potted palm.
Nothing fancy - just family, all together.
A little service and then a party in Hebburn.
York.
Sorry, Susan? York.
It's traditional to have the wedding where the bride is from, isn't it? Tradition goes out the window when you're in Vegas, doesn't it? If we're getting all traditional, doesn't it say the bride's family have to pay for the wedding? We don't have any liquid assets at the moment.
Ah.
I was saying this at the weekly budget meeting, wasn't I, Ben? Yes.
I used to play golf on Wednesday but But it was decided the budget meeting - was a better use of Ben's time.
- Hello? We're back! I better just make sure Joe's mother's all right.
Everyone all right for coffee? Good.
Joe, kitchen.
Jack, take your gran into the good room.
Well, good afternoon to you too, Pauline, I see you've got your angry face on.
So it's obviously going as well as we all expected.
Oh, well, I'm sure you'll sort it all out now you're here, Kofi Annan.
I'm not even going to pretend to understand that.
Right! Wheel me at them.
Everything all right, flower? They were in Vegas! Who was? Sarah's mam and dad! They were there when they got married! Can you believe it!? Jack did say they were drunk.
I don't think they were thinking.
Joe, you don't think, full stop.
Never mind not thinking what they're not thinking! Will you calm down? They seem perfectly nice to me.
Nice to you, Joe? You've hardly been here! And to think, I spent half the day making them lokshen pudding! What's lokshen pudding, like? I've never heard of it.
Neither had I, until two o'clock this morning, when Google spat it out! I, Joe, am a mensch but that yenta is treating me like a schmendrick! Pauline! Stop speaking Yiddish? I can't understand a word you're saying! Oy vey! Jarrow lads, we are here, Shag your women, drink your beer! Go and do something, Gervaise! What happened to it being "your house"? I'm a lover, not a fighter, man.
Right, I'll sort this out.
Denise man, don't.
Oi! This is our pub and we are trying to have a party.
We're not interested in your war-mongering ways or your smell of damp washing.
So I think it was about time you were buggering off back to Jarrow.
Hash tag "just saying".
Oh, what's this, one of the famous bearded women of Hebburn we've heard about? Nah, actually, I'm Sleepy.
Well, why didn't you just say so? You can come back to my bed for a little heigh-ho.
Someone needs to do something, now.
You touching my lass? Wait, I was just Hang on a sec.
You are my lass, aren't you? Aye, I am.
She's my lass! I mean Right, you've had your fun, now howay - on your way.
Or what? Or me and you are gonna go round and round like a roundabout.
Listen, if you don't sit back down and shut up, me and me brothers here are going to introduce your face to your arse.
If you wouldn't mind, wor lass? If you'll excuse us, I've got an appointment with me arse.
Oh, I was just saying, Pauline, that I never liked you when we first met either.
Did I hear that there was lokshen pudding on offer? Joe, I think it's time your mam went back to the home.
She's just got here, think of that wheelchair's carbon footprint! Howay, Mam, I think you've probably done enough.
But I was just saying that she grew on us like mould.
Well, penicillin's a mould, people love that! I'm sorry if you overheard me outburst but I think we should sort out, calmly, where this wedding is going to be.
It has to be York - there is no other way.
Of course.
There's only the Susan way, we haven't even asked Ben.
Ben, are you allowed an opinion? Well, we could compromise.
No, Ben, we couldn't, be quiet.
Right, enough! What are you arguing about? Your special day, Sarah.
Your special day, our Sarah.
But it's not up to either of you anyway! You're not paying for it.
Me and Jack are going to have to save up and do it ourselves.
And then maybe, just maybe, we'll think about inviting you.
But unless someone can actually pay for it, we're a long way off any kind of "special day".
I'll pay for your wedding.
What? I'll pay for your wedding, I love a wedding, don't you? Mam, you haven't got any money.
Who hasn't? I've got more money than you and Mrs Shoe-shop put together.
Gran, you don't even have a bank account.
You only recently stopped trying to use your ration book.
Joe, check if she's got her pills mixed up again.
We might have to take her to the hospital.
I'm going nowhere! I keep me money where I know it'll be safe - inside me Tigger.
That's not Geordie slang for something, is it? No, it's not, you cheeky mare.
He's me porcelain tiger, I've had him since Joe was born.
He's got all sorts inside him.
Liquorice All Sorts? No, stuff your grandad used to bring home off the ships.
South Sea pearls, silver dollars, Krugerrands.
Mind, there's no euros in there.
I won't have them in the house.
Are you serious? No, Joe, I'm joking.
I'm an 84-year-old woman who's carted a porcelain tiger round for the last 50 years because it was filled with nothing! But why didn't you use it when we needed it? Like when Dad left? I knew that me and you would be all right.
I was keeping it for me grandkids for when they needed it.
And I think one of them needs it now.
Really? You'll pay for our wedding? I will but there's some conditions.
Firstly it's going to be in Hebburn.
Oh, what a lovely idea.
And secondly, we'll do it my way.
Well, what do you think? I'm not really sure.
How many big, fat gypsies are going to be at this wedding? We look well lush, don't we? Of course we do.
Ramsey, what do you think? You look like an angel, Denise, an angel.
Maybe we should re-think this.
Don't worry, I'll have a word with Dot.
I'm sure I can get her to tone it down.
Hey! Mazel tov, pet! Mazel tov!