Henry IX (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Bloody bagpipes! Good morning, your Royal Highness.
The Duke of Cumberland's here, having breakfast with the Queen Mother.
Ah, hell's teeth, what's my brother doing in London? Could be visiting his tailor, sir.
No.
No, no, no, no, he'll have heard the rumours, read the papers, he's here to put his two penneth in.
What time does Alistair arrive? Prince of Wales ETA, 11.
08, sir.
Right, erm, here's the plan, I don't want the Duke seeing Alistair and I don't want the Queen getting her hooks into him either.
As soon as he arrives, send him straight to the billiard room, - she'll never think of looking there.
- Very good, sir.
Abdication?! And the bloody Prince of Wales instead! That's ridiculous.
I always said that boy would never cut the mustard.
And I tried, God knows I tried! Even had him on a three-masted schooner for a week in the Azores, couldn't even tie a bloody granny knot.
- And how are you, Edwin? - Admit it, Henry, you know what I'm talking about.
The only time I've seen that boy really happy was when he was in that Christmas show at Windsor Castle.
Gilbert and bloody Sullivan.
Three Little Maids From School.
And he had to be the one in the pigtails.
I should probably go, sir.
Oh, you're still toady in chief, are you? And what's your take on all this nonsense? Not for me to say, sir.
Never been quite sure about that one.
Isn't he a bit of a skirt-chaser? Well, you should have a lot in common.
Well, at least I know which side my bread's buttered.
Look, my son might've had a much happier childhood if you hadn't spent so much time trying to turn him into Bear Grylls.
Three little maids from school Three little maids from school! Welcome home, your Royal Highness.
Thank you, Leonora.
You're looking trim.
Has Mother got you doing voga again? The Queen is very anxious to see you.
As is the king.
Ah, the galloping major.
- Your Royal Highness.
- Good to see you're still on board.
Good to see you home and healthy, sir.
Your father is I've just explained that the Queen is waiting to see him in the blue room, with coffee and cake.
The King is most insistent, sir.
And he is the King.
Tell Mama I'll catch her later.
- You always loved snooker.
- Alistair! - Hello.
- How are you? Proud to say no Prime Minister's ever beaten me.
Never your game, though, was it? No.
I was always useless at all games.
No, no, you were quite a decent shot, as I recall.
Shot a beater, up in Scotland.
Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about that.
Still he, he didn't die and we We bought him a new croft.
So, is it true? Yes.
It's my Silver Jubilee coming up and I-I think it's time I moved on.
The job needs a younger man, someone who's connected and in touch, full of new ideas.
Well, I-I always knew this day would come, of course, but why now? You're in good health.
You're popular.
No, no, I'm like an old armchair that people have got used to.
You, you'd be a breath of fresh air.
There is one problem, though.
I am gay.
Well, I've always known, of course, not that you ever came out and said it, but you, you've got a girlfriend, erm? Jessie? No, she's a mate, that's all.
Most of them were.
You know, I slept with a bunch, it's just not my thing.
Well, so what? I think it'll be good for the country.
New monarch breaking all the stereotypes.
Might raise a few eyebrows -- the Church, Military, - House of Lords.
- Oh, those old buggers need a poke up the arse.
No, it's probably not the best choice of phrase.
No.
No, it's not that I haven't thought about being King.
It's your destiny You know.
It's what you were born to.
You really want this to happen, don't you, Father? I do, yes.
Very well.
My answer's yes.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, you You have no idea what this means to me.
I'll give it my best shot.
I'm sure you will, just try not to wing any beaters.
This might freak Quinton out a bit.
- Quinton? - My partner.
He's flying in tomorrow.
What do you know about the Prince's friend? I'm afraid he's Australian.
His name's Quinton Baynes and he's a diving instructor.
He rents out scuba equipment at a place Yorkie's Nob.
What on earth was my grandson doing in a place called Yorkie's Nob? It's in Queensland, ma'am.
He was opening a fishery.
Alistair wants him to stay at the palace.
- Inappropriate, don't we agree? - Not necessarily.
We need the Prince of Wales to reassess his decision.
If he has a tete-a-tete with his friend, he might come to realise that the situation is untenable.
Therefore I don't think we should antagonise him by shunting Mr Baynes off to a discreet hotel in Dorking.
You have a point, Major.
How do you know there is a discreet hotel in Dorking? Was it a wicked weekend with Lady Leonora? Oh! Really? I've been away from the palace far too long.
Ancient history, ma'am.
You know, I no longer mind that bugger with the bagpipes.
I suppose it's because, soon, I'll never have to hear him again.
Can't wait to see the last of us.
- Is that it, sir? - Of course not.
I'll maintain a residence here and there'll be official duties and functions.
And where will you be when you're not in residence? Er, I haven't really thought about that.
I-I shall travel, of course.
Without your usual entourage? Absolutely.
Perhaps I should go to the army and navy store and buy you a backpack? You're suddenly rather snarky, Gilbert.
With all respect, I just can't see it, sir.
A king with his particular bent.
Well, why not? It's the 21st century and this is Britain, - not Uganda.
- Even so, the press will have a field day.
Outrage, indignation, except for the Gay Times.
They'll probably put out a special edition with a free George Michael CD and a bottle of Eau Sauvage.
Cha cha cha d'amour Take this song to my lover Shoo shoo, little bird Go and find my love Cha cha cha d'amour Tell her of my love.
Very cloak and dagger.
Necessary subterfuge.
- Lovely spot.
- You should come here more often.
It's your park.
You own all those deer.
Yes, I suppose I do.
I own a lot of swans as well.
You look quite chipper today.
Well, I've asked my son to take over the monarchy.
- He's agreed.
- Really? He'll cut a fine figure.
Yes.
He's gay, he's got a boyfriend, but, you know, people will just have to get used to that.
Maybe they will.
Would you like some frozen yoghurt? Yes.
Mm! - What flavour's that? - Pistachio.
Pistachio.
How marvellous.
You know, we'll be able to do a lot more of this.
Frozen yoghurt in the park and coffee by fountains.
I, I have to tell you, Serena, I'm-I'm very attracted to you.
I quite fancy you, Henry.
My problem is not that you're a wee bit older than me or that you're the King of England.
My problem is that you're a married man.
Katerina's only married to me cos I am King.
As soon as I'm not, she'll have no trouble divorcing me.
Isn't that what all married men say? - I don't know, is it? - I've had a few hitting on me.
I've often wondered why more single men don't -- suppose it's cos I have a daughter.
I'd like to meet her.
You-you could bring her here or one of my other parks.
Henry, I'm not sure that's a good idea.
I'm not sure I should've come today.
The papers are full of rumours about you, I don't want to become another.
All it takes is one guy with a long lens .
.
behind that stag over there.
Q! Hi! Oh, what do you think? - It's cosy, isn't it? - Stack me! Does Beyonce live here? No.
No, I imagine somewhere much grander.
- I don't get it.
- What don't you get, Marcello? Tonight's dinner.
The PoW comes home after months away, so why are we not pulling out all the stops? They want it informal.
En famile.
- The point of it is to meet Mr Baynes.
- Oh.
The Aussie.
So, screw-top plonk and something on the barbie, is it? Just run the menu by me.
Watercress soup, wild salmon in lemon dill, steamed broccolini Queen Charlotte detests broccolini, as does anyone who wears dentures.
English peas, then.
For the record, you wanna know what the word is below stairs? Everyone loves Alistair, but they don't think it's his time yet.
The King should stay put and let the lad get a few more miles under his belt.
I'll inform the King of your views at a convenient time.
Oh, and the Duke of Cumberland will also be attending.
Better triple the wine order, then.
How did you two meet? Al was the visiting nob in my neck of the woods, so we all had to make a bit of an effort.
Q was designated to take me snorkelling.
Realised we had a lot in common.
Both had complicated childhoods, pretending to be someone we weren't, Al because he's a royal and me because me dad and me brothers play rugby league.
How did your family react when they discovered you were? - That I wasn't straight? - Hmm.
Dad blew a gasket, Mum was all right, eventually.
My older brother gave me a bad time but I rearranged his face for him - and, after that, he left me alone.
- Even when Alistair was ten, I always knew.
A mother does - in her heart.
- Heart? Uncle Edwin was always trying to man me up.
- Well, you're man enough for me, mate.
- Oh.
And, er, do you manage to make a decent living from the .
.
from the snorkelling? Yeah, that and other things.
Got a couple of glass-bottom charter boats and a juice bar.
A juice bar? Basically, it's a bar that .
.
sells juice.
All you need are a couple of pretty girls and a blender.
Last time I was in Australia was on a state visit.
You were 11, Henry, do you remember? My lady-in-waiting ran off with a deckchair attendant and her husband was Master of the Quorn Hunt.
Leicestershire has never got over it.
Well, I'd like to welcome the Prince of Wales home and I know we'd all like to congratulate him on his tour of duty, which he's handled with dignity and decorum.
We had a long talk yesterday about what's expected of him and I have to say with total confidence that he will make a fine king.
And I'm happy to report he has agreed to take over the reins .
.
and reign .
.
as, as soon as possible.
This isn't an impulse decision and I was in no way railroaded into it by Father.
I-I've thought a lot about my destiny over the past few months and I believe I could be the King this country needs.
But I could not take on that burden without the love and support of my partner Quinton, and I believe it's important for the country that we legitimise our relationship as soon as possible .
.
by getting married.
- A royal wedding! - Yes, yes.
- A gay royal wedding?! - Yes.
May one ask where this occasion might take place? Westminster Abbey.
Where else? Shut up! Get out! Shut up! Shut up, you fool! - Good morning, your Royal Highness.
- Oh! - Did one not sleep well? - No.
One hardly slept a bloody wink.
I'm in no shape for public duties.
- What have I got? - Opening a new tube station, sir.
No speech required, just ribbon snipping.
Did you hear? Er, yes, of course you did, you hear everything.
Are you referring to a royal gay wedding in the Abbey? I believe I did hear a whisper.
I never saw that coming, I swear.
I don't dispute Prince Alistair's right to the succession, but I do question the suitability of his consort-to-be.
But Quinton's a nice enough chap.
He's a straight shooter, he's outdoorsy, like most Aussies.
- I gather he has a juice bar.
- Yeah, and a diving school.
- Nothing wrong with that.
- Perhaps he's an opportunist.
Eye on the main chance.
If it all falls through, he will make an absolute fortune on a tell-all memoire.
The sovereign and the scuba diver.
That's a very cynical point of view, Gilbert.
Possibly, but one has to question the motives of a young man whose sole assets are a snorkel and a blender.
'We have no information about this person.
' I mean, for all we know, he could be a wolf in cheap clothing.
It's sheep, dear.
- That is what I said.
- What title can we give Quinton? He can't be Alistair's queen, although obviously he is.
A Duke of somewhere or other, I suppose.
There's one good thing.
Surely Henry can't abdicate now? Would it be all that bad? You would become me, I will be Queen Granny.
It's not a bad life.
You could write your memoires, or a royal cookbook, with Nigella.
Don't you understand how diabolically opposed to this I am? - Diametrically, dear.
- That is what I said! I'm just not ready .
.
to be you.
Cha cha cha d'amour Serenade at her window Shoo shoo, little bird Tell her of my love.
Good morning, your Royal Highness.
Good morning, Byron.
Now, do you think you could see that this gets to the young lady? Things are a bit frantic in the palace at the moment and I remember your advice about no e-mails.
Now, I would like to send her flowers.
Er, but, no, that's a bit pointless -- she's a florist.
And I don't know her well enough to know what perfume she likes.
- Opium by Yves Saint Laurent.
- Really? Where would I get that? Leave it to me, sir.
That note's a nice gesture in itself, though, handwritten.
- Who does that anymore? - Yes.
You might want to take a peek at this.
Oh, God, they haven't dug up something awful on Serena, have they? - Class A drugs or shoplifting? - No.
It's a dossier on the Australian gentleman.
- Interesting reading.
- Oh.
Thank you, Byron.
Erm, could you let me out, please? Thanks.
I still can't get me head around this marriage trip.
- You really blindsided me, bro.
- Was a spur of the moment thing.
I meant every word, though.
It's just all so intense.
- This will chill us out.
- Stack me, where did that come from? Think it's been there since uni.
You could've told me first, that's all I'm saying.
You'd rather I did it the old-fashioned way? Or get me pregnant.
Bonza weed, bro.
Thought I'd pop in to offer solidarity.
Just want you boys to know there's someone in your corner.
If you keep that thing in your pocket, you'll set fire to your pants.
May I? Drugs are wasted on the young.
It's people of my age who really need a toke.
Keep a lid on this, Q.
With so much scandal flying around, we can't risk a story about the Queen Mother being a secret pothead.
I'm the biggest scandal, mate.
You know, I think everyone took the news rather well except Mother and Uncle Edwin.
Oh, Edwin.
I'd better have another hit.
Oh.
Mm! Edwin's presence is only tolerable if one is seriously stoned.
According to our sources in London, the Royal Family is rocked to its foundations by the revelation that the Prince of Wales is romantically involved with an Australian surfer.
No! He's not a surfer, he's a snorkeler.
God, can these people get nothing right? That's not the point, sir.
The point is we're going to be deluged with this negative crap and it's uncontainable.
Who the hell are you? - Damien's our PR person.
- PR? Think that'll help? Doesn't alter the fact that Alistair's a poof and he's brought home a bloody blonde beachcombing Aussie.
Er, you couldn't be more wrong as it happens.
Quinton is adopted, his natural father is British.
Sir David Moresby.
The family goes back to the Domesday Book.
- How do you know all this? - I have my intel sources.
David was the second son, so he didn't inherit anything.
But he was adrift in London for a while, worked as a magician on a cruise boat, briefly married to an aroma therapist from Swansea In the '90s, he ended up in Australia, took up with a local woman and Quinton is the love child of that union.
Good god! I think I knew a Moresby once.
Utter shit! - Thought he was dead.
- If this is true, where is the real father now? - I'm not quite sure.
- Then you didn't read the full report, sir? Oh, no, I had a tube station to open.
- Why, did you? - Well, it's my duty to be appraised of all facts.
If I can draw your attention to Appendix E.
Sir David Moresby is a convicted drug trafficker.
Bribed his way out of jail in Darwin, stole a catamaran, was last seen off the coast of New Guinea.
Doesn't surprise me for a moment! Nice try, Henry.
Bloody hell! Strewth, I can't believe this.
Who's cobbled up this load of old dingo dung? Secret Service.
- You know how it is.
- No, I don't know how it is.
Did you not know about your father? I always knew I'd been adopted.
They told me my real dad was a Pom but I thought he carked it years ago.
Don't get in a state, Q.
- It's hard not to.
- Look.
We can deal with this.
This sort of thing was bound to happen because - Because of who I am.
- No.
Because of who I am.
Francis, you look absolutely frazzled.
Look at these headlines.
The whole thing's spinning out of control, I just fear disaster looming.
Oh, Franzy.
And I've been so beastly to you.
I'm sure I deserved it.
I have missed you, Leonora.
We could borrow my sister's cottage in Devon.
Will she be there? No, it's absolutely perfect.
- She's back in rehab.
- Mm! - Your usual, Mother? - Serving the drinks yourself, Henry? Well, under the circs, I thought we'd better dispense with staff and keep the conversation between ourselves.
Will Quinton be joining us? I'm not sure, he's still a little emotional.
I want you to know, Alistair, that there's nothing personal in any of this.
I'm sure you have many good qualities, but everything I say is conditioned by my respect for the monarchy.
But you don't want any woofter on the throne.
Well, since you choose to be blunt, no.
And it certainly won't survive a pair of you.
When did all this start, Edwin? - When did what start, Ma? - This rabid homophobia.
Was it that music teacher we had? Did he interfere with you or something? - Good God, no.
- You English are so uptight about these things.
It is not unusual for adolescent boys to experiment.
Mm.
I certainly did.
Which is why we're having this conversation.
I always knew I was straight, from the time I had flu at school and Matron gave me a mustard poultice.
All this is beside the point.
We're here to discuss the vexed question of the succession.
Oh! We know your agenda, Edwin.
Alistair goes away, Henry steps down, Alice and Rory want no part of it, so who does that leave? Goodness gracious! You! Never crossed my mind.
Oh, don't be such a hypothetical old fart.
Oh, I do so love these family gatherings.
Why don't we do it more often? Ah, Quinton, we were waiting for you.
Erm, actually, sir, I was kind of hoping for a word with Al.
What about, Q? OK.
So, er, here it is.
- Al, I can't go through with this.
- Uh! I cannot live my life in a goldfish bowl.
I mean, nothing of mine would be me own anymore and if we hooked up, - it'd ruin your life too, sugar.
- But not if you share it.
You could be a great king, Al, but not with me tagging along.
You'd have no dignity, mate.
We would be a freak show.
We're strong enough to get through this together.
Yeah.
- I'm not.
- Oh.
You know, I bet some of you thought I was only in this for what I could get out of it -- like my flaky dad would've done -- but I promise that all I want out of this family is a one-way ticket back to Yorkie's Nob.
I'm sure we could make it business class.
"Yonder see the morning blink.
"The sun is up and up must I.
"To wash and dress and eat and drink "and look at things and talk and think.
"And work, and God knows why.
" AE Houseman, did him for A-levels, he's a gloomy bugger.
Must've been that Shropshire weather.
- He was gay, sir.
- Was he? You mean, "In summertime on Bredon, my love and I would lie.
" - That was a fella? - Almost certainly, sir.
Can't have been easy in those days.
It's not easy for us now and not just in Uganda.
Will you be going for your usual swim, sir? Did you just say "us", Gilbert? Oh, dear.
I always assumed you knew.
Though I like to think I only emit the faintest blip on most people's gaydar.
Perhaps it makes me more sensitive to Prince Alistair's predicament.
Well, he's bereft.
Just lost the love of his life.
And one would've thought too fragile to take on the burdens of office at this point in time Your Royal Highness.
I withdraw my request.
Not that I don't think you'll be a good king, but not yet.
And it was very selfish of me to ask.
Why should I impose on you all the things that are anathema to me? So, you'll soldier on? Yes.
You should take some time to think about what you want for your own life.
I want Quinton.
Well, go after him.
Byron will have you at the airport in an hour.
Just for the record, I think you're an awfully good king.
Thank you.
Oh, that reminds me, in two hours, the King is due to open a desalination plant in Gravesend.
Oh, to think that could've been mine(!) Thank you for your letter, you said some very nice things.
Well, I thought I had the right to say them when I wrote them but now I'm not so sure.
Alistair's not taking over, so I'm afraid I'm rather stuck - with the status quo.
- I see.
So, given that situation, I think it might be best if-if we - If I Well if, you - Keep out of the picture, is that it? Afraid so.
That may not be so easy.
Have you seen the evening paper? Oh, gosh.