Hoff The Record (2015) s01e03 Episode Script
The United Nations
He was the star of Knight Rider and Baywatch and even found time to bring down the Berlin wall According to the Guinness Book of World Records, over 1.
1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff at the height of his fame, but where did the viewers go? Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up? And another divorce for David Hasselhoff and a fifth set of alimony payments to make David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.
According to his UK manager, he's leaving the United States to pursue opportunities in England.
I came here to make a biopic, a feature film based on my life.
Turbo boost, turbo boost! I still think that Michael Knight would say it the way David is saying it.
Right.
What? I quit! You're fired.
No, I quit.
Fired.
I am Dieter Hasselhoff.
What? I am your son! I am only doing this because I need the money.
It's a stills shoot.
No It's a stills shoot, stop! My name is David Hasselhoff.
Not the words.
I'm sure it couldn't have gone worse, they've decided to terminate your contract with immediate effect.
I'm trending, what's wrong with that? "David Hasselhoff is a bellend.
" Well, great! What's a bellend? You know what? I think I'm finished with show business.
Interesting, why? Thoughts? 1989, I sang to a million people, I've Been Looking For Freedom, one million people on the Berlin Wall.
I used to mean something to people! Now all I do is sell aftershave! You're absolutely right, David.
I've been watching the news, the world is fucked.
You know who could change the world? The Hoff! Imagine you turning up in North Korea, everyone would fucking shit themselves.
That's right! I can handle North Korea.
I can talk to that little guy.
Take a break.
OK.
I used to work with Geri Halliwell, you know her? Yeah, Girls Aloud.
Ginger Spice, I got her in the UN.
She's now a UN ambassador.
You should be doing that, you've got double the amount of brain cells.
That's it, that's it.
I could be a UN ambassador.
Right? I brought down the Berlin wall, I can bring down the wall in Palestine.
I could bring down the Whaling Wall, stop people from whaling in Jerusalem, I can bring down the Great Wall of China.
I know it's great, but I could bring it down.
Imagine, a world without walls.
A completely flat world.
High-five! High-five! 'Having brought down the Berlin Wall,' I think he thinks all walls offer the same political conundrum, er, which is tricky, but I think he can save the world if it's not entirely brick-based.
Hey! Oh, guess what? Danny and I have a great idea.
I'm going to be the UN ambassador, isn't that great? OK! Yeah, that sounds great.
Maybe not this year, but What? You don't like it? No, it's great! I'm just trying to get up to speed, I'm just connecting the dots, I'm sort of late to party.
It's just we've just got loads of exciting offers coming in.
There's another Viagra endorsement, er, Cuppa Soup wants to do a David Hasselhoff flavour, I'm back and forwards with them about what David Hasselhoff tastes like.
We think the plan for David to be UN ambassador is perfect.
Yeah I'm going to take a shower.
Make it happen, huh? I want to save the world.
Good session! Hey, Danny! Yeah! I just wanted to clear something up with you.
We booked you as David's personal trainer, all right? I mean, that's where your expertise lie, you're sorting out his body, you're not I'm here to make him better.
Yeah.
We're not hiring you to give management advice.
I am his soul and fitness instructor.
Not what it says on your contract, mate.
That's what it says on my card.
Yeah, you can get anything put on a business card.
I could get a card that says I've got two dicks.
Have you? No.
You don't care about David.
You're just here for a fast buck.
You disgust me.
I'm not intimidated by you.
No? Yeah, I'm not intimidated by your working-class accent.
I've got working-class friends, I've got working-class friends.
Name one? Bob.
Bob who? Bob .
.
Stubble.
Where did you meet? Down the pub.
What's the pub called? Red Horse.
"United Nations Celebrity liaison.
" Hello, I'm going to cut to the chase here.
We're wondering if you were looking for any new humanitarian ambassadors.
I represent a pretty big star and he's keen to get involved.
"Sir, there is an official application process "that needs to be completed before a celebrity can be considered "a good will UN ambassador.
" Yeah, sure, but he is a really big star.
OK, I'm going to throw a name at you it's David Hasselhoff.
"Ha, ha! David Hasselhoff! "That's a blast from the past! "I didn't realise he was still going.
"I thought you were talking about someone big!" Good morning, this is David Hasselhoff here.
"Oh, Mr Hasselhoff, I didn't realise you were on the phone.
" That's fine, my good friend Geri, Hallwell Halliwell! .
.
Halliwell said I should call.
"I'm sorry, you've to go "through the official application process.
"I suggest you fill up the forms on the website "and get as much experience as you can "attending UN-endorsed events in the meantime.
" Yeah, sure, sure, is there a level of flexibility on that? Because we are available to be in Sierra Leone tomorrow.
"I'm afraid there is none, sir.
Good day.
" Well, that went well! Huh? I'm going to get Danny on the phone, hold the direct line.
We're going to go straight from the United Nations to Danny the fucking personal trainer.
Danny, it's the Hoff What's going on in the Middle East? Could you imagine if I walked in and said, "Hi, David Hasselhoff"? Right away, they're going to feel the peace in the room.
I've heard stories of people's homes being bombed and when the Red Cross came to save them, they wouldn't leave their homes because they wanted to finish the episode of Baywatch.
That is heart-warming.
My old school would actually host model UN conferences.
Why don't we do that? What? Us going to my No, no.
It's not a place I, we should go.
No, no, that's great! No, Max those kids are really clever, they'll tear David apart.
You've just said that we need more experience with UN-related events.
That's got UN in the title, it will be a great photo opp, book it! I think the Hoff would make a brilliant UN ambassador.
Do you know what I mean? Cos most of them all talk shit, do you know what? He's straight-talking, yeah? The first time I met him, I said, "Nice to meet you, Terry.
" He went, "Terry, don't call me Turban".
I thought, that's racist, but he's just so, so real.
Do you know what I mean? And he's everything that a real man should be, racist, sexist, homophobic, do you know what I mean? Real man, old school! And that's what the world needs, we need a bit of truth.
Explain it to me again.
OK.
So, the chart establishes six principal organs of the United Nations.
I get confused between the security, the economic and the social councils.
Shall I go through the founding purpose again? No, the UN is about resolving conflict.
It's what I did on Baywatch every single episode - resolve conflict, it's what I do and I do it very well.
You walk in a room and you say, "Can't we all just "get along?" Yeah, see? He's got this shit down.
He knows what he's doing.
He'll just riff from there.
Why do you need to pump him full of facts? What is your obsession with facts? You're boring, you are like a 40-year-old Hermione.
We feel like we're in a revision session for GCSE Boffin.
It's hard to stay awake when you talk.
Shall we go over the six? The first one was the.
OK, Max, I feel now you are just being rude.
Most people in high office have come through this school, archbishops, prime ministers.
We are a very rich and fertile soil in which to plant an acorn.
Nice school, Harriet! Er, yes, it's OK.
Oh, yeah! I love politics.
Do you reckon I can come in and get involved in some of the debates and all that? I'm paying you to drive, Terry! Stay in the car.
These aren't your people! I am a social chameleon, so I can be talking to a crackhead on the street and at the same time I can be talking to, you know, a big high-end roller banker.
That's Terry for you! I adapt, I learn, adapt, move, adapt, move and then learn.
Learn and then adapt and move and learn, yeah? Do those steps and you'll be fine in life! Welcome to Prince Edward's! Good morning.
We didn't think we'll be able to have a special guest for our UN debate this year so we're absolutely delighted you offered to do it for no fee.
Sorry, did you just say no fee? Well, I am honoured.
Now, Ralph is our budding David Bailey and can I introduce Alvin, our head boy? Alvin, hey, buddy! Like the chipmunks, eh? Now, we've just got time for a quick tour of the school before we go to the debate, so if you'd like to follow me.
Hey, Andy Murray, piss off! Now, this is the octagon and Is it Charlotte? Harriet.
Harriet Fitzgerald, 4B.
Yes, hello, Miss Dunwoody.
You've changed! What is it? Your skin has cleared up, nearly! 'She makes people feel very small,' and you know, I'm not that small so that shows how good she is at that.
I am proud to have won the UN debate for the last three years running.
I was made head boy because I think I am popular, I've got drive and I've got ambition.
You know, that and my father funded the new wing on the school library, but I am actually planning to break the record for being the youngest MP in Parliament ever.
You know, John Major was a friend of mine.
He actually arranged a private screening of Baywatch for the leaders of the G8 Summit and flew over some of the Baywatch babes! I don't really watch TV.
We call it the idiot box at home.
What a rude kid! - Good morning, everyone! - Good morning, Miss Dunwoody.
Now, welcome to our model UN debate.
Now, I am going to introduce this year's topic - This house believes that only a democracy can be responsible for maintaining a nuclear deterrent.
Now to kick the proceedings off, I am going to welcome onto the stage our special guest star today.
It's someone I am sure you're all familiar with, Mr David Ha-ssel-hoff.
The UN is a great institution.
It turns out that, without knowing it, I have been putting into practice many of the UN's founding principles like conflict resolution.
One day on Baywatch, a very famous star came into work with a breast enhancement.
Well, all of the other girls got really jealous and they started coming into work with a breast enhancement.
Soon, it became chest wars, it was like a nuclear arms race I resolved conflict on set by sitting those girls down and comparing them, saying, "Show me your boob, put it on the table.
"Show me your boob.
Put it on the table.
"Now look at this, this is ridiculous.
"We can't have you this huge and this small.
" And after careful negotiations, I got every girl to agree to a 34C.
Now, that is conflict resolution.
To be perfectly honest, I thought he was mad.
Thank you, er Mr Ha-ssel-Hoff Very interesting analogy.
The Hoff's got a good understanding of world politics cos he's been around the world.
He's had sex with every type of women you can imagine.
Just the other day, I said, "What about ginge?" "Yeah, done ginge.
" "What about like really black?" He said, "I've done really black, "like, midnight jet-black almost purple.
" I said, "What about mixed race?" He went, "I've had every race you can imagine, all mixes!" Do you know what I mean? It It's inspirational, mate! What happens now? All the kids will off and debate together.
Debate? I'd love to be part of the debate.
Er that's not really necessary.
Come on, Max, I am here to participate, you know, and warm up for the real UN.
If that's at all possible, I would like to join in as well.
Oh, yeah, nice idea.
Yes.
I can't see how that would end badly! Max, we'd like to do the debate.
All right! Um, Harriet, go and talk to the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.
Wish me luck.
OK, how about we call our team Tornado? I think they are just named off after countries, you just pick a country.
Poornado! Like we take down the poor countries because if we get Third World countries first, they're the easy ones.
It's not Risk.
No, but this is the way we build the empire.
So easy to see how the Second World War started.
Is there any chance at all that Mr Hasselhoff and his son Dieter could participate in the UN debate? Are we negotiating here? If you offered to say litter pick the school field after the debate today? Mrs Dunwoody, I am now a professional, I am not at school.
Yes, all right.
Go on, off you go! It doesn't really matter which country I get.
The cream always rises to the top.
Opposition annihilated.
Austria! Amazing! Moldova, where is Moldova? Not a clue, mate! Is that even a country? God, sounds like a fairytale land.
Greece.
My father owns more money than Greece.
I bet he does.
Russia! Well, I've won.
Russia will easily steam roller the Eastern European member states and Asia Pacific member states into a massive block vote.
And Shy Doug's got the US.
He's over there.
Oh, this is going to be a cake walk.
Go and have a word with him, won't you? If Shy Doug and the US join us the debate is in the bag.
He might need a little persuading.
How far should I go? Start with the Chinese burn and then if that doesn't work, smash up his iPad.
This kid's a fucking bootle.
Don't worry! I'll sort it out, give me that badge.
You deal with Art Garfunkel, Hey, buddy! Want to take another photo? Hey! Little guy! Don't worry, I've been CRB checked.
Let's talk about how much that USA badge is worth to you.
What's in it for me? Let's see what Grandad's got for you.
Nice one.
Say hello to the newly-installed ambassador for the good old US of A! Have I mentioned that you are the best manager I have ever had? Oh, thanks! Excuse me.
Hey, Alvin! Just wanted to say I am really looking forward to negotiations.
Negotiation is a euphemism for capitulation, Mr Hasselhoff.
I fully intend to win, not to negotiate, and I am sorry to say that you and your pathetic little country will be crushed.
Maybe, but I think you'll find that there is a new sheriff in town USA! Well, that sounds like a declaration of war, Mr Hasselhoff.
I warn you, I fight dirty.
Let the face-Hoff begin! For the next stage of the debate, the delegates will be divided into four separate rooms.
But given the severity of the situation, I would have to encourage you to support an amendment that allows Russia to be exempted from that part of the resolution.
Hear, hear! No, absolutely not.
I enlist the support of my delegates from Austria and Czechoslovakia to help support my veto of this amendment! Hear, hear! Czechoslovakia isn't a country.
Since when? 1992.
Well, here you have it.
That was years ago, we're talking about today.
That makes no sense.
Five minutes, five minutes.
Coffee, coffee, coffee! OK, I didn't know anything about world politics since 1989.
Right! The Berlin Wall fell in 1989.
I was there! I know, but that spelt the end of communism as a major world force, which left Yugoslavia in disarray and it split into different countries.
I love Yugoslavia, it's where I met my first wife.
Right, but focus, David.
And then there were all these big wars between the Bosnians and Kosovans, Serbians, but basically now it's all resolved.
Some of them are in the EU and some of them want to be.
One of them's in LA.
In ten minutes, please make your way to the hall.
I have never met anyone of his age that stupid! What? You don't say things like that about mein Vater.
Er, sorry, your what? Your Vater? Yeah, my dad, OK? Oh, he is your dad, really? Well, your dad is an idiot.
No, you're the idiot, I am afraid! Er OK.
Weirdo! You laugh like little baby.
Alvin doesn't like my dad and he seems to think that I am weird.
I think that Alvin can go back to the chipmunks and get on with his drumming.
Alvin, what do I say about him? Tiny cock, that's why he acts like that.
He's got a tiny He's probably got Do you know about micro-cock? Micro-cock is literally like that hard.
Can't blame him.
if I had a little micro-cock, I'd probably be pissed off with the world, but mine is massive, so Right, how are we getting on? I am not quite sure.
This Alvin kid is as bad as Piers Morgan.
But you know what? I may have found a way to knock him off his little perch.
Now, Alvin is a very smooth operator but he only really uses the most popular kids.
He basically totally blanks the less popular ones.
Did you just throw a box of staples? That could have taken Ralph's eye out.
Throw one back, Ralph! And I throw one as well, that's it and there's a HELP! No, Ralph! The boys are throwing staples at me! I have done the maths, there are 23 delegates.
What if we form a multi-country alliance and get all the less popular kids to vote against him? That is a terrific idea, but we need Terry.
I don't think he's really cut out for UN-style negotiations.
Go get Terry.
Right! We'll divide and conquer.
Got it, OK.
Oh, which one do I do? Divide.
Divide, got it.
Is that World of Warcraft you are playing? Yeah.
Ladies? All right! Whatever! How are you going to vote, do you think, in the voting? I don't know, probably Russia, so they won't bully me.
Nick Corjon, I love him.
Oh, my God, isn't he hot? He's so hot.
It's you, innit? Nigerian delegate, innit? You all right, bruv, man? I will get my dad to kick him in the nut sack.
That I'd like to see.
We're probably all menstruating at the same time, aren't we? Have you got a lighter? Ahem! I know who you guys are.
You are the rebels fighting against the system.
I know, I've done it myself.
We'll keep your dirty little habit secret if you do one little thing for us.
What do you want? We want your votes.
You have to promise to vote for the USA.
My boss knows Justin Bieber and he can probably get you concert tickets.
OMG, really?! You are going to vote for him and I'll tell you why.
Harriet, hi! Hi.
I can see what you're up to but your plan will fail.
This is my school, OK? Do you really think they are going to listen to someone like you? No.
Harriet had a very unfortunate incident when she was here in the science block, which earned her an unkind nickname.
What was your nickname when you were here? Harriet Poo-Pants, wasn't it? Harriet Poo-Pants! And we heard about your GCSEs.
Eight Bs wasn't exactly what your parents were expecting, was it? See you around, Harriet Poo-Pants! Poo-Pants! Oh, nice, Ralph! We can't let him win.
I wouldn't worry about that guy.
He reminds me of the guy who cancelled Baywatch Nights, my favourite show.
Idiot! We are on top of this.
Yes.
Yeah, Poo-Pants, don't worry about fucking Hogwarts.
Why is everybody calling you Poo-Pants? I shat myself.
Today?! What? Like, today? I don't know, it's possible.
Listen, you don't need to be thinking about girls shitting right now.
You need to get your head in the game.
I don't want you thinking about diarrhoea.
Well, there was just this one time when there was a bad batch of Eton Mess.
Currently we've got an American President who cannot do a thing without the approval of a Congress, which is no longer under his party's control.
Democracy has cancelled itself out.
Thank for your time.
And, finally, I would like to invite Mr Has-sel-hoff to the stage.
Dad, I am so nervous.
Don't worry, kid! Just write me a victory speech.
A speech? This one's in the bag.
In the 1980s, I was lucky enough to meet the president of the United States, Jimmy Carter.
Now, Jimmy Carter is the embodiment of the American dream.
He was a simple peanut farmer.
Everything he says is moronic.
And if he's not saying something moronic, he is thinking of something to say that would inevitably make him sound moronic.
And he worked day and night on his nuts.
And you know what happened to his nuts? Well, it's likely they turned into peanut butter or they may have been covered in chocolate or he fed them to animals.
Now, is that not the American dream, to harvest your own nuts for a few years and turn yourself into the leader of the free world? I actually found that genuinely inspirational.
Now, to vote, you need to put a single cross on your ballot papers and post them in the box in front of me here.
Are you a delegate? Er no, Miss.
Out of this room now.
And I am pleased to announce the winner by a single vote is the USA! I LOVE POLITICS! Russia! Gutted? Would Mr David Hasselhoff please come up to the stage to collect his prize and make his victory speech? Thank you! Mmmmwah! Awesome! I want to share this with my team.
Hey, Team Hoff! OK I often think the art of leadership consists in consolidating the attention of the people against a single adversary, and taking care that nothing would divide up that attention and that is what I think we've achieved today.
I am proud of everyone who has voted for me.
Thank you.
He's stolen that from Adolf Hitler.
That's a quote from an Adolf Hitler speech.
Adolf Hitler wrote this speech? Um, well, it is a rousing speech.
Oh, my God! I've also have evidence that the US delegate has been bribing other delegates.
Quiet! I need to see the delegate of the USA and his team in my office now, please.
Did you know that your son was a Nazi sympathizer? I don't know, I just met him.
a speech from Angela Merkel or a Kraftwerk song or something? It was a very successful speech at the time.
Yes, the time you're talking about is 1930s Berlin! Don't start saying that just because I'm German, I am Nazi.
No, you're right, that would be ridiculous.
That would be very unfair of me to call you a Nazi because you are a German.
Thanks.
But you have to take into account that you've just printed out a fuckin' Hitler speech! No, that I translated from memory.
That's not aiding your argument at all.
I am getting the Belgian delegates, the German delegate, I am Who gives a shit? This is the Fisher Price UN! All it was about was showing off David in a positive setting.
Now I have to tell a bunch of PRs and tabloids that David Hasselhoff is not a fascist! I hardly know where to begin.
Quite apart from an act of blatant plagiarism, that is quite the most offensive thing to have ever happened in this school.
On top of which, we have evidence of corruption and bribery.
You have apparently offered my pupils Ray Ban sunglasses, tickets for Justin Bieber, porn log-ins, a cash and carry card and a night out in Sutton's second most expensive brothel.
Technically it's a strip club but if you pay extra Enough! I told you we shouldn't have got Terry involved.
We were just trying to teach the children an important lesson about how world politics work.
I am a good friend of Arnold Schwarzenegger and I know how he became the Governator.
There is absolutely no justification whatsoever for your actions.
As for you Charlotte Harriet.
You are demeaning yourself by associating with these people.
OK.
I know that not everything Mr Hasselhoff has done today has been perfect, but at least he wants to save the world and change things in this planet.
He is always working for the greater good, aren't you? Always! Yes.
Now, I had a terrible time at this school, Miss Dunwoody, mostly down to you.
Now, I have learnt more in the past three weeks working with this very strange but brilliant man than I have ever learnt before.
I learnt the other day that there is sometimes up to 1,300 calories in a restaurant salad! I mean, pfff! Petroleum jelly is not just for the lips and maybe if you climb down from your ivory tower once in a while you would realise that you are just a teacher in beige and I am David Hasselhoff's assistant.
Harriet, what has come into you? What are you going to do, give us a fucking detention? Anybody got a? There you go, be cool, stay at school! All right, here we go! What? You don't have anything for me to sign? Aww, who's the Poo Pants now? Thank you very much, darling, thank you very much! Land mines, let's bring land mines back.
You leave that land mine stuff to me.
Hoff is here, here to help! Who are ya? David Hasselhoff! Are you expecting me to believe that? Oh, bloody hell it is, innit?! It should have been Hasselhoff's List.
I've saved more people on Baywatch than Schindler saved in WWII.
Easily! Real live land mines.
Put your hands up! I think we need to escape and we need to do it now.
Hasselhoff!
1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff at the height of his fame, but where did the viewers go? Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up? And another divorce for David Hasselhoff and a fifth set of alimony payments to make David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy.
According to his UK manager, he's leaving the United States to pursue opportunities in England.
I came here to make a biopic, a feature film based on my life.
Turbo boost, turbo boost! I still think that Michael Knight would say it the way David is saying it.
Right.
What? I quit! You're fired.
No, I quit.
Fired.
I am Dieter Hasselhoff.
What? I am your son! I am only doing this because I need the money.
It's a stills shoot.
No It's a stills shoot, stop! My name is David Hasselhoff.
Not the words.
I'm sure it couldn't have gone worse, they've decided to terminate your contract with immediate effect.
I'm trending, what's wrong with that? "David Hasselhoff is a bellend.
" Well, great! What's a bellend? You know what? I think I'm finished with show business.
Interesting, why? Thoughts? 1989, I sang to a million people, I've Been Looking For Freedom, one million people on the Berlin Wall.
I used to mean something to people! Now all I do is sell aftershave! You're absolutely right, David.
I've been watching the news, the world is fucked.
You know who could change the world? The Hoff! Imagine you turning up in North Korea, everyone would fucking shit themselves.
That's right! I can handle North Korea.
I can talk to that little guy.
Take a break.
OK.
I used to work with Geri Halliwell, you know her? Yeah, Girls Aloud.
Ginger Spice, I got her in the UN.
She's now a UN ambassador.
You should be doing that, you've got double the amount of brain cells.
That's it, that's it.
I could be a UN ambassador.
Right? I brought down the Berlin wall, I can bring down the wall in Palestine.
I could bring down the Whaling Wall, stop people from whaling in Jerusalem, I can bring down the Great Wall of China.
I know it's great, but I could bring it down.
Imagine, a world without walls.
A completely flat world.
High-five! High-five! 'Having brought down the Berlin Wall,' I think he thinks all walls offer the same political conundrum, er, which is tricky, but I think he can save the world if it's not entirely brick-based.
Hey! Oh, guess what? Danny and I have a great idea.
I'm going to be the UN ambassador, isn't that great? OK! Yeah, that sounds great.
Maybe not this year, but What? You don't like it? No, it's great! I'm just trying to get up to speed, I'm just connecting the dots, I'm sort of late to party.
It's just we've just got loads of exciting offers coming in.
There's another Viagra endorsement, er, Cuppa Soup wants to do a David Hasselhoff flavour, I'm back and forwards with them about what David Hasselhoff tastes like.
We think the plan for David to be UN ambassador is perfect.
Yeah I'm going to take a shower.
Make it happen, huh? I want to save the world.
Good session! Hey, Danny! Yeah! I just wanted to clear something up with you.
We booked you as David's personal trainer, all right? I mean, that's where your expertise lie, you're sorting out his body, you're not I'm here to make him better.
Yeah.
We're not hiring you to give management advice.
I am his soul and fitness instructor.
Not what it says on your contract, mate.
That's what it says on my card.
Yeah, you can get anything put on a business card.
I could get a card that says I've got two dicks.
Have you? No.
You don't care about David.
You're just here for a fast buck.
You disgust me.
I'm not intimidated by you.
No? Yeah, I'm not intimidated by your working-class accent.
I've got working-class friends, I've got working-class friends.
Name one? Bob.
Bob who? Bob .
.
Stubble.
Where did you meet? Down the pub.
What's the pub called? Red Horse.
"United Nations Celebrity liaison.
" Hello, I'm going to cut to the chase here.
We're wondering if you were looking for any new humanitarian ambassadors.
I represent a pretty big star and he's keen to get involved.
"Sir, there is an official application process "that needs to be completed before a celebrity can be considered "a good will UN ambassador.
" Yeah, sure, but he is a really big star.
OK, I'm going to throw a name at you it's David Hasselhoff.
"Ha, ha! David Hasselhoff! "That's a blast from the past! "I didn't realise he was still going.
"I thought you were talking about someone big!" Good morning, this is David Hasselhoff here.
"Oh, Mr Hasselhoff, I didn't realise you were on the phone.
" That's fine, my good friend Geri, Hallwell Halliwell! .
.
Halliwell said I should call.
"I'm sorry, you've to go "through the official application process.
"I suggest you fill up the forms on the website "and get as much experience as you can "attending UN-endorsed events in the meantime.
" Yeah, sure, sure, is there a level of flexibility on that? Because we are available to be in Sierra Leone tomorrow.
"I'm afraid there is none, sir.
Good day.
" Well, that went well! Huh? I'm going to get Danny on the phone, hold the direct line.
We're going to go straight from the United Nations to Danny the fucking personal trainer.
Danny, it's the Hoff What's going on in the Middle East? Could you imagine if I walked in and said, "Hi, David Hasselhoff"? Right away, they're going to feel the peace in the room.
I've heard stories of people's homes being bombed and when the Red Cross came to save them, they wouldn't leave their homes because they wanted to finish the episode of Baywatch.
That is heart-warming.
My old school would actually host model UN conferences.
Why don't we do that? What? Us going to my No, no.
It's not a place I, we should go.
No, no, that's great! No, Max those kids are really clever, they'll tear David apart.
You've just said that we need more experience with UN-related events.
That's got UN in the title, it will be a great photo opp, book it! I think the Hoff would make a brilliant UN ambassador.
Do you know what I mean? Cos most of them all talk shit, do you know what? He's straight-talking, yeah? The first time I met him, I said, "Nice to meet you, Terry.
" He went, "Terry, don't call me Turban".
I thought, that's racist, but he's just so, so real.
Do you know what I mean? And he's everything that a real man should be, racist, sexist, homophobic, do you know what I mean? Real man, old school! And that's what the world needs, we need a bit of truth.
Explain it to me again.
OK.
So, the chart establishes six principal organs of the United Nations.
I get confused between the security, the economic and the social councils.
Shall I go through the founding purpose again? No, the UN is about resolving conflict.
It's what I did on Baywatch every single episode - resolve conflict, it's what I do and I do it very well.
You walk in a room and you say, "Can't we all just "get along?" Yeah, see? He's got this shit down.
He knows what he's doing.
He'll just riff from there.
Why do you need to pump him full of facts? What is your obsession with facts? You're boring, you are like a 40-year-old Hermione.
We feel like we're in a revision session for GCSE Boffin.
It's hard to stay awake when you talk.
Shall we go over the six? The first one was the.
OK, Max, I feel now you are just being rude.
Most people in high office have come through this school, archbishops, prime ministers.
We are a very rich and fertile soil in which to plant an acorn.
Nice school, Harriet! Er, yes, it's OK.
Oh, yeah! I love politics.
Do you reckon I can come in and get involved in some of the debates and all that? I'm paying you to drive, Terry! Stay in the car.
These aren't your people! I am a social chameleon, so I can be talking to a crackhead on the street and at the same time I can be talking to, you know, a big high-end roller banker.
That's Terry for you! I adapt, I learn, adapt, move, adapt, move and then learn.
Learn and then adapt and move and learn, yeah? Do those steps and you'll be fine in life! Welcome to Prince Edward's! Good morning.
We didn't think we'll be able to have a special guest for our UN debate this year so we're absolutely delighted you offered to do it for no fee.
Sorry, did you just say no fee? Well, I am honoured.
Now, Ralph is our budding David Bailey and can I introduce Alvin, our head boy? Alvin, hey, buddy! Like the chipmunks, eh? Now, we've just got time for a quick tour of the school before we go to the debate, so if you'd like to follow me.
Hey, Andy Murray, piss off! Now, this is the octagon and Is it Charlotte? Harriet.
Harriet Fitzgerald, 4B.
Yes, hello, Miss Dunwoody.
You've changed! What is it? Your skin has cleared up, nearly! 'She makes people feel very small,' and you know, I'm not that small so that shows how good she is at that.
I am proud to have won the UN debate for the last three years running.
I was made head boy because I think I am popular, I've got drive and I've got ambition.
You know, that and my father funded the new wing on the school library, but I am actually planning to break the record for being the youngest MP in Parliament ever.
You know, John Major was a friend of mine.
He actually arranged a private screening of Baywatch for the leaders of the G8 Summit and flew over some of the Baywatch babes! I don't really watch TV.
We call it the idiot box at home.
What a rude kid! - Good morning, everyone! - Good morning, Miss Dunwoody.
Now, welcome to our model UN debate.
Now, I am going to introduce this year's topic - This house believes that only a democracy can be responsible for maintaining a nuclear deterrent.
Now to kick the proceedings off, I am going to welcome onto the stage our special guest star today.
It's someone I am sure you're all familiar with, Mr David Ha-ssel-hoff.
The UN is a great institution.
It turns out that, without knowing it, I have been putting into practice many of the UN's founding principles like conflict resolution.
One day on Baywatch, a very famous star came into work with a breast enhancement.
Well, all of the other girls got really jealous and they started coming into work with a breast enhancement.
Soon, it became chest wars, it was like a nuclear arms race I resolved conflict on set by sitting those girls down and comparing them, saying, "Show me your boob, put it on the table.
"Show me your boob.
Put it on the table.
"Now look at this, this is ridiculous.
"We can't have you this huge and this small.
" And after careful negotiations, I got every girl to agree to a 34C.
Now, that is conflict resolution.
To be perfectly honest, I thought he was mad.
Thank you, er Mr Ha-ssel-Hoff Very interesting analogy.
The Hoff's got a good understanding of world politics cos he's been around the world.
He's had sex with every type of women you can imagine.
Just the other day, I said, "What about ginge?" "Yeah, done ginge.
" "What about like really black?" He said, "I've done really black, "like, midnight jet-black almost purple.
" I said, "What about mixed race?" He went, "I've had every race you can imagine, all mixes!" Do you know what I mean? It It's inspirational, mate! What happens now? All the kids will off and debate together.
Debate? I'd love to be part of the debate.
Er that's not really necessary.
Come on, Max, I am here to participate, you know, and warm up for the real UN.
If that's at all possible, I would like to join in as well.
Oh, yeah, nice idea.
Yes.
I can't see how that would end badly! Max, we'd like to do the debate.
All right! Um, Harriet, go and talk to the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.
Wish me luck.
OK, how about we call our team Tornado? I think they are just named off after countries, you just pick a country.
Poornado! Like we take down the poor countries because if we get Third World countries first, they're the easy ones.
It's not Risk.
No, but this is the way we build the empire.
So easy to see how the Second World War started.
Is there any chance at all that Mr Hasselhoff and his son Dieter could participate in the UN debate? Are we negotiating here? If you offered to say litter pick the school field after the debate today? Mrs Dunwoody, I am now a professional, I am not at school.
Yes, all right.
Go on, off you go! It doesn't really matter which country I get.
The cream always rises to the top.
Opposition annihilated.
Austria! Amazing! Moldova, where is Moldova? Not a clue, mate! Is that even a country? God, sounds like a fairytale land.
Greece.
My father owns more money than Greece.
I bet he does.
Russia! Well, I've won.
Russia will easily steam roller the Eastern European member states and Asia Pacific member states into a massive block vote.
And Shy Doug's got the US.
He's over there.
Oh, this is going to be a cake walk.
Go and have a word with him, won't you? If Shy Doug and the US join us the debate is in the bag.
He might need a little persuading.
How far should I go? Start with the Chinese burn and then if that doesn't work, smash up his iPad.
This kid's a fucking bootle.
Don't worry! I'll sort it out, give me that badge.
You deal with Art Garfunkel, Hey, buddy! Want to take another photo? Hey! Little guy! Don't worry, I've been CRB checked.
Let's talk about how much that USA badge is worth to you.
What's in it for me? Let's see what Grandad's got for you.
Nice one.
Say hello to the newly-installed ambassador for the good old US of A! Have I mentioned that you are the best manager I have ever had? Oh, thanks! Excuse me.
Hey, Alvin! Just wanted to say I am really looking forward to negotiations.
Negotiation is a euphemism for capitulation, Mr Hasselhoff.
I fully intend to win, not to negotiate, and I am sorry to say that you and your pathetic little country will be crushed.
Maybe, but I think you'll find that there is a new sheriff in town USA! Well, that sounds like a declaration of war, Mr Hasselhoff.
I warn you, I fight dirty.
Let the face-Hoff begin! For the next stage of the debate, the delegates will be divided into four separate rooms.
But given the severity of the situation, I would have to encourage you to support an amendment that allows Russia to be exempted from that part of the resolution.
Hear, hear! No, absolutely not.
I enlist the support of my delegates from Austria and Czechoslovakia to help support my veto of this amendment! Hear, hear! Czechoslovakia isn't a country.
Since when? 1992.
Well, here you have it.
That was years ago, we're talking about today.
That makes no sense.
Five minutes, five minutes.
Coffee, coffee, coffee! OK, I didn't know anything about world politics since 1989.
Right! The Berlin Wall fell in 1989.
I was there! I know, but that spelt the end of communism as a major world force, which left Yugoslavia in disarray and it split into different countries.
I love Yugoslavia, it's where I met my first wife.
Right, but focus, David.
And then there were all these big wars between the Bosnians and Kosovans, Serbians, but basically now it's all resolved.
Some of them are in the EU and some of them want to be.
One of them's in LA.
In ten minutes, please make your way to the hall.
I have never met anyone of his age that stupid! What? You don't say things like that about mein Vater.
Er, sorry, your what? Your Vater? Yeah, my dad, OK? Oh, he is your dad, really? Well, your dad is an idiot.
No, you're the idiot, I am afraid! Er OK.
Weirdo! You laugh like little baby.
Alvin doesn't like my dad and he seems to think that I am weird.
I think that Alvin can go back to the chipmunks and get on with his drumming.
Alvin, what do I say about him? Tiny cock, that's why he acts like that.
He's got a tiny He's probably got Do you know about micro-cock? Micro-cock is literally like that hard.
Can't blame him.
if I had a little micro-cock, I'd probably be pissed off with the world, but mine is massive, so Right, how are we getting on? I am not quite sure.
This Alvin kid is as bad as Piers Morgan.
But you know what? I may have found a way to knock him off his little perch.
Now, Alvin is a very smooth operator but he only really uses the most popular kids.
He basically totally blanks the less popular ones.
Did you just throw a box of staples? That could have taken Ralph's eye out.
Throw one back, Ralph! And I throw one as well, that's it and there's a HELP! No, Ralph! The boys are throwing staples at me! I have done the maths, there are 23 delegates.
What if we form a multi-country alliance and get all the less popular kids to vote against him? That is a terrific idea, but we need Terry.
I don't think he's really cut out for UN-style negotiations.
Go get Terry.
Right! We'll divide and conquer.
Got it, OK.
Oh, which one do I do? Divide.
Divide, got it.
Is that World of Warcraft you are playing? Yeah.
Ladies? All right! Whatever! How are you going to vote, do you think, in the voting? I don't know, probably Russia, so they won't bully me.
Nick Corjon, I love him.
Oh, my God, isn't he hot? He's so hot.
It's you, innit? Nigerian delegate, innit? You all right, bruv, man? I will get my dad to kick him in the nut sack.
That I'd like to see.
We're probably all menstruating at the same time, aren't we? Have you got a lighter? Ahem! I know who you guys are.
You are the rebels fighting against the system.
I know, I've done it myself.
We'll keep your dirty little habit secret if you do one little thing for us.
What do you want? We want your votes.
You have to promise to vote for the USA.
My boss knows Justin Bieber and he can probably get you concert tickets.
OMG, really?! You are going to vote for him and I'll tell you why.
Harriet, hi! Hi.
I can see what you're up to but your plan will fail.
This is my school, OK? Do you really think they are going to listen to someone like you? No.
Harriet had a very unfortunate incident when she was here in the science block, which earned her an unkind nickname.
What was your nickname when you were here? Harriet Poo-Pants, wasn't it? Harriet Poo-Pants! And we heard about your GCSEs.
Eight Bs wasn't exactly what your parents were expecting, was it? See you around, Harriet Poo-Pants! Poo-Pants! Oh, nice, Ralph! We can't let him win.
I wouldn't worry about that guy.
He reminds me of the guy who cancelled Baywatch Nights, my favourite show.
Idiot! We are on top of this.
Yes.
Yeah, Poo-Pants, don't worry about fucking Hogwarts.
Why is everybody calling you Poo-Pants? I shat myself.
Today?! What? Like, today? I don't know, it's possible.
Listen, you don't need to be thinking about girls shitting right now.
You need to get your head in the game.
I don't want you thinking about diarrhoea.
Well, there was just this one time when there was a bad batch of Eton Mess.
Currently we've got an American President who cannot do a thing without the approval of a Congress, which is no longer under his party's control.
Democracy has cancelled itself out.
Thank for your time.
And, finally, I would like to invite Mr Has-sel-hoff to the stage.
Dad, I am so nervous.
Don't worry, kid! Just write me a victory speech.
A speech? This one's in the bag.
In the 1980s, I was lucky enough to meet the president of the United States, Jimmy Carter.
Now, Jimmy Carter is the embodiment of the American dream.
He was a simple peanut farmer.
Everything he says is moronic.
And if he's not saying something moronic, he is thinking of something to say that would inevitably make him sound moronic.
And he worked day and night on his nuts.
And you know what happened to his nuts? Well, it's likely they turned into peanut butter or they may have been covered in chocolate or he fed them to animals.
Now, is that not the American dream, to harvest your own nuts for a few years and turn yourself into the leader of the free world? I actually found that genuinely inspirational.
Now, to vote, you need to put a single cross on your ballot papers and post them in the box in front of me here.
Are you a delegate? Er no, Miss.
Out of this room now.
And I am pleased to announce the winner by a single vote is the USA! I LOVE POLITICS! Russia! Gutted? Would Mr David Hasselhoff please come up to the stage to collect his prize and make his victory speech? Thank you! Mmmmwah! Awesome! I want to share this with my team.
Hey, Team Hoff! OK I often think the art of leadership consists in consolidating the attention of the people against a single adversary, and taking care that nothing would divide up that attention and that is what I think we've achieved today.
I am proud of everyone who has voted for me.
Thank you.
He's stolen that from Adolf Hitler.
That's a quote from an Adolf Hitler speech.
Adolf Hitler wrote this speech? Um, well, it is a rousing speech.
Oh, my God! I've also have evidence that the US delegate has been bribing other delegates.
Quiet! I need to see the delegate of the USA and his team in my office now, please.
Did you know that your son was a Nazi sympathizer? I don't know, I just met him.
a speech from Angela Merkel or a Kraftwerk song or something? It was a very successful speech at the time.
Yes, the time you're talking about is 1930s Berlin! Don't start saying that just because I'm German, I am Nazi.
No, you're right, that would be ridiculous.
That would be very unfair of me to call you a Nazi because you are a German.
Thanks.
But you have to take into account that you've just printed out a fuckin' Hitler speech! No, that I translated from memory.
That's not aiding your argument at all.
I am getting the Belgian delegates, the German delegate, I am Who gives a shit? This is the Fisher Price UN! All it was about was showing off David in a positive setting.
Now I have to tell a bunch of PRs and tabloids that David Hasselhoff is not a fascist! I hardly know where to begin.
Quite apart from an act of blatant plagiarism, that is quite the most offensive thing to have ever happened in this school.
On top of which, we have evidence of corruption and bribery.
You have apparently offered my pupils Ray Ban sunglasses, tickets for Justin Bieber, porn log-ins, a cash and carry card and a night out in Sutton's second most expensive brothel.
Technically it's a strip club but if you pay extra Enough! I told you we shouldn't have got Terry involved.
We were just trying to teach the children an important lesson about how world politics work.
I am a good friend of Arnold Schwarzenegger and I know how he became the Governator.
There is absolutely no justification whatsoever for your actions.
As for you Charlotte Harriet.
You are demeaning yourself by associating with these people.
OK.
I know that not everything Mr Hasselhoff has done today has been perfect, but at least he wants to save the world and change things in this planet.
He is always working for the greater good, aren't you? Always! Yes.
Now, I had a terrible time at this school, Miss Dunwoody, mostly down to you.
Now, I have learnt more in the past three weeks working with this very strange but brilliant man than I have ever learnt before.
I learnt the other day that there is sometimes up to 1,300 calories in a restaurant salad! I mean, pfff! Petroleum jelly is not just for the lips and maybe if you climb down from your ivory tower once in a while you would realise that you are just a teacher in beige and I am David Hasselhoff's assistant.
Harriet, what has come into you? What are you going to do, give us a fucking detention? Anybody got a? There you go, be cool, stay at school! All right, here we go! What? You don't have anything for me to sign? Aww, who's the Poo Pants now? Thank you very much, darling, thank you very much! Land mines, let's bring land mines back.
You leave that land mine stuff to me.
Hoff is here, here to help! Who are ya? David Hasselhoff! Are you expecting me to believe that? Oh, bloody hell it is, innit?! It should have been Hasselhoff's List.
I've saved more people on Baywatch than Schindler saved in WWII.
Easily! Real live land mines.
Put your hands up! I think we need to escape and we need to do it now.
Hasselhoff!