Hot In Cleveland s01e03 Episode Script

Oh, I wonder what that's about.
I'm not here.
Wait The police are looking for you? What police? Hey, guys, guess what.
It's our birthday in two weeks.
You're kidding.
- You all have birthdays on the same day? - No, no, no, but we decided that, seeing that birthdays are so generally unpleasant Depressing, scary Drunken, hazy We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day.
And that way we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.
It works great.
I really don't know how old I am.
So what do you guys want for your birthday? A wonderful man who worships me.
- Two of those.
- Oh, that sounds nice.
Why don't you all get each other dates for your birthday? Now, that is an intriguing idea.
I mean, we're terrible at picking men for ourselves.
I have five divorces to prove it.
I wish I had a divorce.
I have animals that die.
Let's do it.
Everyone's gonna pick a name, and then get a date for that person.
It'll be our new Cleveland birthday celebration.
And where are we going to find these men? They do seem to be all over this town.
I get disgusting comments and lewd gestures, like, ten times a day.
It is fantastic! Elka, are you in? Sure.
But if you're picking for me, I don't do fatties.
Okay, Elka, you go first.
Victoria.
- Melanie.
- Elka.
Oh, great that means Victoria got me.
So? So you're terrible at picking gifts.
- I'm gonna get screwed.
- Oh, stop it! I'm a wonderful gift giver.
See, look at this beautiful pre-birthday gift I just gave myself.
Wow, Cartier.
My favorite.
But you didn't even remember it was our birthday.
Still, it's a great gift.
I wonder when our presents will arrive.
Yours will be here soon.
I wish the same could be said for mine.
I'm sure Victoria didn't find me anyone.
Oh, don't be so negative.
I got Elka a great date.
I'm a little nervous.
Or maybe it's just staring at that rat's nest that Joy calls a hairdo.
It's so unsettling.
Your nerves are making you unpleasant.
Yes, but I can fix that by finishing this wine.
You're still stuck with that hair.
That's not your joke, Elka.
That's Winston Churchill's.
It's not stealing if you were there.
Elka, your date's here.
He's handsome! - Where did you find him? - At a senior center.
I emailed your photo over to see if anybody would be interested.
He was the only one who knew how to email back.
Hey, Max.
Melanie, so nice to officially meet you.
And you must be Elka.
I am.
May I say that you're even lovelier than in your picture? Yes, you may.
Shall we? To be fair, in my computer, your picture is displayed in 200%.
I've seen all of you, but not all at once.
- Uh, excuse me.
- Yeah.
- I'm Victoria Chase.
- Hi.
How would you like to pretend to be my friend's date? Uh, what's the matter with her? Nothing, really.
She's quite attractive.
She's sitting right over there with the long brown hair.
- Oh - I'll give you 200 bucks.
- Great! - Wait, wait, wait.
But you can't be yourself.
I mean, I'm sure you're great, but I was supposed to find her a specific type of guy.
Well, why didn't you if you said you were going to? Well, I ran out of time, or I didn't prioritize, or I don't know, I just-- get off my back! What do you do? Well, with the economy and everything-- okay, I'm bored already.
You are an architect.
She goes crazy for them.
Okay And you have three dogs, but not purebreds.
She'd never go for that.
Let's see, what else? Oh, compliment her earlobes.
Don't ask me why.
Favorite color, celadon.
Don't order beets, and do not mention Helen Mirren.
- What's your name? - Uh, Steve.
No, no, I think that you are an Alistair.
- Then I think I need another 50.
- Okay, Steve's good.
Well, I'll be damned.
These are my friends Melanie and Joy.
- Hi.
- And this is Steve.
He's an architect.
I am.
And I like dogs.
I love dogs.
You have dogs? Yes, yes.
Uh, mutts.
I mean I love all dogs, but I just don't see the point of buying a dog from an industry that promotes inbreeding and puppyvilles when there are so many mixed breeds out there in need of a home.
I feel exactly the same way.
Well, should I try to go round us up a table? - Sounds great.
- All right.
So I owe you an apology.
You truly are a wonderful friend who seems to have found me a great guy.
I'm sorry.
I really underestimated you.
Oh, well, I accept your apology.
You are free to enjoy him now.
I can't believe you went to that much work to find Joy's date.
But you do believe it, right? Oh, Happy Birthday.
Do you think he's here for one of us? Oh, he's looking over here.
How do I look? Freakishly young.
- What about me? How's my hair? - Like God re-touched it.
- Good luck.
- You too.
- Uh, Victoria? - Yes! Sorry I'm late.
I had to jog the last couple of blocks just to get here, but it was worth it--wow.
Are all actresses as beautiful in person as you? Sadly, no.
Glenn Miller or Tommy Dorsey? Oh, Miller all the way.
Yeah, that was real music.
I don't go for that stuff that's out there now.
Michael Buble.
Have you heard this yahoo? Please! You mean wannabe Sinatra.
Exactly.
Go back to the second floor at Nordstrom's, I say.
Okay, another question: Favorite medication.
Oh, that's a tough one.
All things considered, I think I'm gonna have to say Celebrex.
Celebrex.
Nice.
I'm an allopurinol man myself.
Ooh, gout! Somebody likes to party.
Ever go to Canada for your discount rates? Do I? I'm on a first-name basis with all the border guards.
Me too.
We should carpool next time.
Is it possible that you are the perfect woman? Well, I'd say it's very possible.
Will you be eating alone? I can bring over a place setting.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I--I have a date.
It's a blind date.
He should be here soon.
I'm sure he will.
Anything else? I'm really nervous.
I haven't been on a blind date in, like, oh, gosh, forever.
I just got divorced.
I'm totally over it.
It's just, you know, sometimes it still feels a little fresh and raw.
But this is just the type of adventure I signed up for when I moved to Cleveland, isn't it? Uh, I was just wondering if you need a fork or something.
Melanie? Yes? I think I'm gonna be sick.
I'm so sorry.
That didn't come out right.
It's just your face is kind of--oh Sorry, I'm feeling queasy again.
Why don't we just leave it at I'm not your type? No, no, no, actually, you're totally my type.
You look exactly like my dead wife.
- UhThank you? - Yeah.
Listen, this is obviously upsetting for you, so let's just not do the whole date thing.
Oh, listen, I really need to move on with my life, and this is the first actual date I've had since the funeral.
And Joy said so many nice things about you in line at the deli.
You know what, I don't know if this is a real good idea.
Please? If I have to spend another night alone, I don't know what I'll do.
Why not? Life's too short, right? I'm so sorry.
So where were we? You were telling me how you all picked dates for each other.
- That's fun.
- Oh, it is fun.
Especially when it looks like I got the prize.
Oh, I'm flattered.
You'll have to excuse me, I'm still sweating.
That run over here was a bit further than I anticipated.
Oh.
Do you mind? No, not at all.
You just take off as much clothing as you like.
You know, I never formally introduced myself.
I'm Chester.
Chester.
Well, that'll be easy to remember.
The truth is I'm a great driver, but sometimes I like to drive real slow just to mess with people.
I am having such a good time.
Me too.
I think we should get married.
Me too.
Pass the salt.
Really? You'd marry me? Yeah, I would.
I mean once around we're perfect for each other.
I'm glad to hear that.
Oh, here's your salt.
I'm impressed you can still use that.
Oh, I know how to shake what I've got.
I've been wanting to do that all night.
OhWell Now I can get back to my rigatoni.
Celadon? Most men don't even know what that is.
WellI do.
So becoming an architect was like a calling? Yes.
Yes, it was like someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, "you're an architect.
" And I'll start with the Caesar salad.
Hey, have you ever thought about wearing your hair, I don't know, back a little bit? - Excuse me? - Just push it back on the sides.
That--that's too much.
A little less.
Oh, God, it's uncanny! This is gonna sound crazy, but you look so much like her.
I gotta show you a picture.
How's your pasta? Fine.
How's your breast? It's a meatloaf.
I'll say it is.
Victoria.
Excuse me, my friend-- needs me at the bar.
You're not gonna believe this, but my date is trying to turn me into his dead wife.
Okay, that's nothing.
You seen the cans on Chester? And his name is "chester"? Would you ask our waitress to bring us a bottle of champagne, please? Champagne! You really came through.
- You're a good friend.
- Aren't I? Oh, hey, hey, Victoria, thanks again.
Best blind date I have ever had.
I am not gonna let this one get away.
Oh, boy.
You set Joy up with a murderer? Well, to be fair, at the time I just thought he was a complete stranger.
Now, can we just focus and figure out what we should do next? There's a tip line number on the screen.
It's ringing.
Oh, my God, how did this happen? Well, I kinda sorta picked him when I came in here tonight.
I gave him 200 bucks and told him to show her a good time.
So he's a murderer and a hooker! Oh, hello, hello! Yes, this is Melanie Moretti.
The suspect that you're looking for is at Stormy's on Euclid.
And the only thing I hate more than beets is Helen Mirren.
Kiss me.
Hurry! Hurry! He's kissing her! Okay, thank you.
Okay, he said to stay calm and act normal.
And we have to try and keep him here until they arrive.
Okay, well, let's just get rid of our dates so that we can focus.
Oh, gosh, you know, considering everything, maybe my date's not so bad.
Oh, who am I kidding? - Everything okay? - Wow That jacket really does wonders for you.
Yeah, I got it right off the rack.
Don't say rack.
Listen, Chester, I don't think it's gonna work out between us.
But we didn't even finish dinner yet.
Sorry for whatever it is I did wrong.
Wait, wait.
Come here.
Um, excuse me, do you find this man attractive? And she's cute, right? - Yeah.
- Good.
Great.
Why don't you sit down and buy her a drink.
- Really? - Really.
- Well, okay.
- No, no, no.
Keep that onForever.
Let's go.
I suppose you're right.
I guess I wasn't really ready to get out there after all.
You know what, it's okay.
It's okay.
It was very nice to meet you, and I wish you nothing but the best.
You know, I think why my wife's death is so hard on me is that I never got a chance to say good-bye.
I got to the hospital ten minutes too late.
Oh, you poor thing.
I know this is gonna sound odd, but with you being so much like her, I feel like it would help give me closure if I could say good-bye to you in the way that I wanted to say good-bye to her.
Oh, you know, that's-- I don't know.
- Yeah, it's too much.
- Yeah.
- I get it.
I'll go.
- Okay.
Okay.
Oh, go ahead, say good-bye.
Oh, thank you.
Honey, you're the most amazing woman I've ever met.
Your strength, grace, and courage will be with me always.
I love you.
Okey-dokey! May I give her a little kiss? It's me, not her.
But whatever.
I'd give anything to make love to her one last time.
And we're done here.
Guess what happened to me! Elka, not now.
We're in the middle of a crisis.
I got engaged.
- I knew you'd like him! - He's amazing.
Oh, no, he's paying the bill! He's gonna go.
We have to keep him here.
Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? Who cares about Joy? What about me? I'm getting married.
I'm, like, 100! Listen, Victoria accidentally set Joy up with a murderer.
I'm conflicted.
I am on a great date for once in my life, and you guys are acting like idiots.
What's going on? Uh, well, I waited until the last minute, and I just grabbed the first guy I could find a the bar, and I gave him $200 to be your date.
What? You paid Steve to go out with me? This is all fake? Oh, my God, this is, like, the worst thing you've ever done to me.
Well, there's more.
- Uh, he's kind of aMurderer.
- What? But the police are on their way.
Guys, he's coming.
Okay, listen, we have to try and keep him here, so just act natural.
How do I act natural with a murderer? Just do the opposite of that.
So, Joy, are you ready to go? My van's parked out front.
Your van? He has a van! Are you okay? - Why don't you join us for dessert? - Yes.
You know, to be honest, I was just Hoping to get Joy alone.
No! I mean-- tell me what I mean! - She has a rare disease.
- Joy's a lesbian.
Hey.
Oh, God! Now can we talk about my engagement? As soon as he was on the floor writhing in pain, I could see that the sketch really didn't look that much like him.
Then why did you kick him? The police did say that these mistakes happen all the time.
Joy, I am so sorry about everything.
You should be.
I knew this would happen.
Listen, of all the things that happened tonight, the one thing that I can't get out of my mind is the look on your face when you thought I had finally done this great thing for you.
And then all I did was disappoint you.
I wasn't a good friend, and I will never forgive myself for that.
Of course you will.
And I will too.
I thought Steve was the perfect guy because everything he said were things you knew I would love.
Things only a best friend would know.
You know me well.
Still, I-- I would like you to have this.
You know me very well! At least Joy's date didn't have a dead wife.
Or boobs.
My date had both.
So, Elka, when are you gonna make it official? OhThat's over.
We started having problems.
- Oh - What happened? Well, we got along fine, but he wouldn't go downtown, if you know what I mean.
What? I mean, there are so many good restaurants and shops down there.
I can't give that up.
Of course you do.
What'd you think I was talking about? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
- Hi.
- Max Listen, Elka, I don't want to lose you.
So if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.
- You are? - Yes.
I just hope I won't get lost down there.
Oh, you won't.
I have no problem telling you where to go.
It's just that it's so dark and scary there.
- Happy Birthday.
- Happy Birthday!