Hotel Babylon (2006) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
-How are you today, Mr Daniels? -I'm very well thank you, Charlie.
Now, there's just a few things I need.
CHARLIE: On the whole, hotels have an ambivalent attitude towards long-term guests.
It depends why you're staying.
Perhaps you're addicted to the attention to detail, the precision, and symmetry.
Or perhaps you just need a place to hide, even if you should really know better.
There is, however, one type of long-term guest hotels can't get enough of.
That's millionaires, like rock stars, who keep an apartment in hotels which they visit once or twice a year.
This way, please.
They pay for use of a room for a whole year in advance on the understanding that it's kept empty awaiting their whimsical arrival.
Except, of course, it isn't.
Because the room is empty, we can't resist double booking it.
So there was a flood, which blew a fuse, which caused a fire.
I'm afraid your suite is completely, completely uninhabitable.
(VALERIEPLAYING ON TV) But generally, if you're a long-term guest, we'll go the extra mile for you.
We'll cater for your every whim, no matter how eccentric your particular requirements.
We'll satisfy your off-menu requests.
Some long terms guests are wealthy foreign students.
We can really get attached to them.
They become part of the hotel family.
But there are some things we just can't do, even for our favourite guests.
Charlie, I need you to find me a husband.
My father is refusing to sponsor me to stay in the UK.
He wants me to go back to Russia.
The only way I can stay in England is to get married.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but why don't you want to go home? In Russia, I'm Vladimir Balanovsky's daughter.
I can have anything I want except my independence.
I want a life of my own.
Well, maybe you can talk to your father.
-Tell him how you feel.
-I've tried.
Since mum died, it's like dad doesn't know what to say to me, so he doesn't say anything at all.
Anyway, it's too late.
He's arriving tomorrow night to meet my fiancé.
You've told him you're getting married? It was either that or going back to Russia on Saturday.
You've got to help me.
All right, Charlie.
Can I have a quick word? -What can I do for you? -I'm going to apply for a job as a hotel driver.
I need some help with the application form.
It's this section 15.
"Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offence? "If yes, please give details.
" What's the best way to handle that? What did you put? I don't think a job here would suit you.
Maybe you're right.
I've been thinking about going over to Ibiza.
Big demand for limos over there.
-Yeah, Ibiza sounds good.
-Could be very good.
Trouble is, I haven't got the five grand I need to set it up.
Maybe I'll find it from somewhere, eh? Let me know if you can help me out with the application form.
She asked you to find her a husband? What did you say? Obviously I said I can't help her, I'm sorry.
She was really upset.
Well, it's not totally impossible.
I mean, the registrar we use is a good mate.
Slip him a few quid, and he'll back-date the application on the marriage licence.
You're talking about getting a dodgy wedding licence for Vladimir Balanovsky's daughter? I'm seriously considering it.
-Here you go, boys.
-Thank you.
-Who's she gonna marry? -I'm sure we'll find her someone.
-We could hold the ceremony here.
-Oh, no.
-Just think about it -No.
-Why not? -Because it's illegal.
The hotel would lose its wedding licence.
And if Rebecca found out, you and I would lose our jobs.
-Rebecca is not going to find out.
-Forget about it.
Anyway, if she wants to stay, she's going to have to get married on Saturday.
And the ballroom is booked for the Weight Watchers of the Year Award.
No.
We'll bump the fatties to The Burlington.
No one makes any money out of them anyway.
They never eat or drink anything.
That's the whole point, Tone.
Vladimir Balanovsky is one of the richest men in Russia.
Think how much money he's going to spend on his daughter's wedding.
I don't care how much he's going to spend.
We're not having an illegal wedding in the hotel.
If you help me pull this off, I'll cut you in for a slice of the profits.
CHARLIE: Hotels are the number one choice when it comes to holding a wedding.
And we're more than happy to host your special day.
But it's not because we're romantics.
We charge 500 quid an hour for a room that would normally be sitting empty.
But it's the scams that bring in the big bucks.
Aha! Good to see you.
How are you? Booze, food, cakes, bands, discos, flowers, everything you might conceivably need for a wedding generate a kickback from the supplier.
Hello.
Oh, nice to see you.
And then there's corkage.
We charge 10 quid just to open a bottle of champagne.
And at the end of the night, watch out for the creative accountancy.
One, two, three, four, five, ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty, ninety.
It is short notice, but we can definitely do it.
-I'll cut you in for three grand.
-Five grand.
-Four.
-Five.
-Or we can have it somewhere else.
-Done.
Hello.
What time do you call this? Sorry.
Someone threw themselves in front of my train.
In rush hour.
How selfish can you get? Perhaps you should try leaving home a little earlier.
If it was up to me, I'd have driven the thing straight over them.
You're lucky.
It must be so much easier living in the hotel.
Just try and get here on time.
Mr Daniels? -Do you have a moment? -Of course.
What can I do for you, Miss Mitchell? I'm afraid we've had complaints from some of the other guests about your behaviour.
My behaviour? And the staff seem to think you've stopped going outside.
Well, why go outside when everything I need is right here in the hotel? I don't wish to pry, but I thought you were just staying with us while you sorted things out with your wife.
Looks like that might not happen.
-Well, have you spoken to her recently? -She doesn't want to talk to me.
Maybe you should try.
You can't You can't stay with us forever.
But I'm happy here.
Everything's just the way I like it.
Lovely to talk to you, Miss Mitchell.
-Did you tell Anna that I'm living in the hotel? -No.
Rebecca, with all due respect, did you really think you could hide out here without anyone finding out? I'm not hiding out.
Well, whatever it is, do you want to talk about it? The staff are asking questions.
What should I tell them? You're the deputy manager.
Do I really need to tell you how to handle the staff? -No.
-Good.
He thinks he owns that table.
He's disturbing other guests.
I want him out of the hotel.
But Mr Daniels has been with us for six months.
-Then it's about time he left.
-Okay, leave him to me.
I didn't say throw him out.
We can't.
-He's paid a month in advance.
-BEN: What do you want us to do? Disrupt his routine.
I'm hoping he'll decide to leave.
The longer we leave it, the worse it's going to get.
GUEST: What the hell is going on here? Would you explain what's happening? Ow, what the hell is this? We can back-date the paperwork and get you a marriage licence.
We'll also help you find a husband.
This really means a lot to me.
Thank you.
We were thinking you could have the wedding in the hotel.
I thought it would be a quick ceremony at the registry office.
Well, with respect, I don't think a quick ceremony is gonna help convince your father that the relationship is genuine.
I didn't think it would be a big wedding.
Charlie, what do you think? If you have it here in the hotel, we can control it and protect you.
If you think it's for the best.
-Then I guess I'll have the wedding here.
-Okay.
So, that gives us four days to find you a husband, convince your father that the relationship is genuine and organise the wedding.
Piece of cake.
So I'm thinking your husband needs to be attractive but also intelligent enough to fool your father.
-And he needs to be Russian.
-Why does he have to be Russian? My dad's angry now.
It will be 10 times worse if my fiancé isn't Russian.
If you want Russian, you shall have Russian.
This place is like the United Nations.
Too old.
Boris? (SNORING) He's holding down three jobs at the moment.
I think a wife might be more than he can cope with.
You're right.
Too tired.
Too (TOILET GURGLING) Yeah.
Don't worry.
That's for the staff.
What do you think? He's the right age.
Don't you think Rebecca or someone from the hotel could recognise him? Would you? Well, no.
Exactly.
You want me to get married to her? You've got UK citizenship, right? Well, Natasha needs to get married so she can stay in the country.
If you do it, I've lined up a doorman's job at The Chesterton for you.
No more pan washing? No.
Your pan-washing days will be well and truly over.
So I'd be grateful if you can offer Anna and Ben any assistance they might need in evicting Mr Daniels.
Any other business? The Weight Watcher of the Year Award has been cancelled.
JAMES: Oh, thank Christ for that.
The restaurant's like a morgue when that lot are here.
Last year I found one of them scoffing chocolate éclairs in a linen cupboard.
Why have they cancelled? Uh, apparently, the woman who was going to get the award, -she's put all the weight back on.
-Ballooned like a whale.
Thank you, Tony.
The good news is we've managed to secure a wedding for Saturday.
-Well, that's short notice.
Who is it? -Natasha Balanovsky.
-I didn't know she was engaged.
-There's some lucky bastard set for life.
He's a Russian guy.
Whirlwind romance.
Oh, you better not let him catch you flirting with her, then.
Hmm.
It's actually called service, Anna.
Something that you don't know about.
No.
It's called flirting.
Yeah, whatever it's called, hosting Vladimir Balanovsky's daughter's wedding will be very good PR for the hotel.
Good work, Charlie.
-So, when's Balanovsky himself arriving? -Tonight.
-The rumour is he's considering buying Arsenal.
-Well, that's small change to him, isn't it? Yeah.
Apparently he's in some kind of dick-waving contest with Abramovich over at Chelsea.
Well, then let's put some lead in his pencil.
Pull out all the stops.
Send his daughter off in style.
Thank you.
You feeling okay? Why? Thought you might have a headache or something.
What makes you think that? I'm just trying to figure out the cause of your sudden loss of sex drive.
Sorry.
I've been a bit flat out.
You know what they say, use it or lose it.
Morning, Mr Daniels.
I'm afraid the pool's closed for cleaning.
It can't be.
Sorry.
Not today.
If we're going to convince Natasha's father that the marriage is genuine, you need to look, think and act like a guest.
This line-caught sea bass, exactly where and when was it caught? Good.
Don't be afraid to go off-menu.
Do you have any yak's milk? If they haven't, maybe they can fly some in.
Now, it's obviously essential that you look the part.
The minute you walk into the hotel, your whole attitude has got to change.
You're rich, you're successful, you're confident.
You belong here.
-Okay? -Okay.
Good.
Let's smarten him up.
Tipping is an art.
-Thank you, sir.
-Oh.
Thank you, sir.
It's all very, very smooth.
-Thank you, sir.
-Good to see you again, sir.
Now, you try.
-Thank you, sir.
-Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
-Yeah, I'm not a lap dancer.
-I'm sure you could be for a price.
Very good.
I'm very sorry, Mr Daniels, but I'm afraid we're out of olives.
What? No.
One, two, three olives, sip of extra dry Martini.
Three olives.
Very sorry, Mr Daniels.
One, two olives.
So, it's £1 for the doorman, £2 for the bellboy, £5 for the head receptionist.
You know what? Forget the head receptionist.
The rest of your luggage is in the boot.
Some cash for tips and stuff like that.
You all set? You just believe in yourself, you're gonna be fine.
Come on.
-Do you think he can pull it off? -Well, I guess we're gonna find out, mate.
DEREK: Good evening.
Relax.
I can't believe he's the same person.
-Maybe you should go over and greet him.
-Oh, yeah.
And that is a beautiful moment.
If we don't get caught.
CHARLIE: How are you, sir? -Miss Balanovsky.
Congratulations.
-Thank you.
This is Alexis Mitrovski, my fiancé.
Rebecca Mitchell, the General Manager.
Have we met before? Perhaps you've worked at the Nevskij Palace Hotel in St Petersburg? No, I'm afraid not.
I'm sure it's my mistake.
Well, it's an honour that you've chosen to have your wedding at the hotel.
Enjoy your stay.
This is gonna work.
Now all we have to do is convince Russia's most ruthless business tycoon.
-What time's he due? -8:00.
Hello, Mr Daniels.
I want to make a complaint.
I don't know who is responsible for servicing my room, but it's an absolute disgrace.
I'm sorry Mr Daniels, but I really don't see what the problem is.
Well, I'll show you what the problem is.
Bed sheet folded back to a 90-degree angle.
Remote control on corner of folded sheet.
Breakfast slip on pillow nearest telephone.
Ah, you've noticed our new turn-down routine? No.
No new turn-down routine! Old turn-down routine! Oh, it's hotel policy, I'm afraid.
-Bed sheet folded back 75 degrees.
-90 degrees! -Remote control on pillow.
-Remote control on corner of folded sheet.
-Breakfast slip -No! I'm sure you'll get used to it.
-Is he going to be all right? -He won't be when I replace the carpet.
These Yanks can't get enough of these bloody Lloyd Webber musicals.
That limo driver.
How do he and Charlie know each other? Uh, some of the guests use him.
-I got the impression they know each other.
-No.
Not really.
He asked for an application to be one of the hotel's drivers.
-What did Rebecca want? -Huh? -Was she asking about Alexis? -Relax.
She didn't even mention him.
She was asking about that limo driver.
-DEREK: Stand by your beds.
-Here it goes.
Wait.
Good evening, Mr Balanovsky.
Welcome back.
-Your suites are ready for you.
-Thank you.
Could you tell me where my daughter is, please? I believe she's in the bar, sir, which is this way.
VLADIMIR: Ah.
Thank you, sir.
Dad.
-Dad, this is Alexis.
-It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
Sit.
We've trained him well.
He'll be fine.
CHARLIE: Oh, God.
-Everything all right, Mr Daniels? -It's all gone to hell, Charlie.
You.
Hands off me.
That don't look so good.
Do have a seat, hmm? What do you know about my daughter's fiancé, this Alexis? Not very much, I'm afraid.
Is he a regular at hotel? No.
-Does he have money? -I'm afraid I don't know.
-Does my daughter talk to you about him at all? -A little.
I I think it's a whirlwind romance.
Does she love him? I'd say so.
Hmm.
Well, you make sure that my daughter has everything she wants for her wedding.
Cost is not problem.
That's all.
He said give her everything she wants regardless of the cost? We're gonna make a killing.
Why did he just roll over? Guys like that, they're used to getting what they want.
Well, maybe he's different when it comes to his daughter.
I don't trust him.
It's all doom and gloom with you, isn't it? Look, stop fretting.
We've done the hard part.
Now we just sit back, let the money roll in.
I've got this plasma screen in my room, it's bigger than this table.
With all of the movie channels.
We've got all the sports channels, with the surround sound.
It's actually Alexis.
Can I have a quick word? You shouldn't be down here, and you certainly shouldn't be talking to them.
-But they're my friends.
-Not right now they're not.
Guests socialising with staff.
It just doesn't happen.
And they said that you and Tony would be making a lot of money from holding the wedding in the hotel, yes? Never mind about that.
You just stay focused.
Remember the doorman's job at the Chesterton, okay? Mr Mitrovski? Mr Mitrovski insisted on a behind-the-scenes tour.
I see.
I'm just showing him back up to the lobby now.
This way.
Charlie? Could you excuse us for one second, Mr Mitrovski? That bulimic model is back in 402.
The maids are refusing to service her room.
I take it she's emptied the mini-bar? Why she has to purge into the bath, I will never know.
She could at least take out the plug.
-Ah.
Great.
-So, you decided to use it after all? Uh, sorry.
Not exactly.
The catwalk queen, she's been purging in the bath again.
What? I warned you, Charlie, use it or lose it.
You just lost it.
What do you think? -Is it a bit over the top? -It's beautiful.
It feels like such a waste.
I'm only going to wear it for one day.
Well, it's one of the most important days of your life.
You're married, aren't you? -What was your wedding like? -Small.
-We didn't want to make a big fuss.
-Why not? I'm not really sure.
We just didn't.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
I'm sorry, Mr Daniels, but we can't re-lay the original carpet in the corridor.
-I'll pay for it! -No.
Not even if you pay for it.
Sounds like he's in a bad way.
-I almost feel sorry for him.
-Really? -So what are we going to do? -We're gonna push him over the edge.
I'll book an automatic alarm call every 30 minutes throughout the night.
Gino.
Uh, how long have those two been over there? Maybe an hour.
They've been hammering Glen Garioch 58.
Already spent over a grand.
VLADIMIR: That kind of money goes a long way.
Gino, can you give me a bottle of red? Nothing too heavy.
How about a nice Château de Courcel? Shall I have it sent up to your room? Did I ask for it to be sent up to my room? Well, no.
Why's that dirty ashtray there? Feeling okay? I'm fine.
I do my job.
I just wish the rest of you would do the same.
Empty the ashtray! You want a wine glass? Angry women give me the big frutti tutti.
Morning.
Sleep well? -What? -Did you sleep well? Can't any of you mind your own business? What are you doing? The guy in 408 has his tie caught in the trouser press.
Right.
We think we might have a little bit of a problem.
Mr Daniels never misses his scrambled eggs, three mushrooms and one tomato on lightly buttered wholegrain toast.
-No one's seen him since we changed the carpet.
-He won't let the maids service his room.
Can't anyone do anything in this place? -Well, I'm glad I don't suffer with PMT.
-We all are.
Mr Daniels? Are you okay? I'm exhausted.
I received alarm calls all night.
When I unplugged the phone, they started knocking on the door.
I was so happy here.
What's happened to your hotel? Your behaviour was disturbing other guests.
I wanted you to leave.
I'll behave.
I promise.
These things you do, your routines, is that why you can't go home? Sarah told me if I didn't get help, I had to go.
So you came to us? This is about the worst place for you.
-But I like it here.
-Of course you do.
We're paid to indulge you.
No one's going to force you to get help.
-Have you spoken to your wife? -I can't.
What am I going to say to her? Look, I can't tell you what to say, but you can't spend the rest of your life hiding in a hotel room.
It's not going to solve anything.
-Miss Mitchell? -Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me.
-Stop it! -What's wrong? -No, I can't.
I'm the manager, you're a guest.
-I don't mind.
My marriage is over.
It's my fault.
I worked too hard.
I was never there.
And I feel so guilty, but I love my job.
And I think I love my husband.
And I'm living in the hotel.
And everyone knows.
And I'm being mental.
And I'm crying in front of a guest.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
-Oh, sorry.
-Thank you.
Well We're a right pair, aren't we? Can I have a word? If it's about yesterday, I'm sorry we haven't had a chance to see each other, but I've just been really busy with this wedding.
You really know how to make a girl feel special, don't you? -That's not what I wanted to talk to you about.
-What's the problem? Natasha Balanovsky's fiancé just asked me for a lap dance.
He said if I had a problem with it, I should speak to you.
Excuse me, Mr Mitrovski.
I was wondering if we could go over the arrangements for the wedding? Maybe later.
-It's really quite urgent.
-I'll let you know when.
Of course.
Charlie? I believe my wine's corked.
-I'll have that replaced for you right away, sir.
-Good man.
Corked my arse.
It's fine.
Ignorant little shit.
I'll dangle my balls in it.
Tell him it's a fresh glass.
Much better.
Thank you, my friend.
I do love a wedding.
Alexis is acting like he runs the place.
And I've seen Balanovsky giving him a briefcase.
Well, maybe it was a wedding present.
-Yeah, he's also asked Jackie for a lap dance.
-Well, we did tell him to behave like a guest.
I'm telling you, something's not right.
I'm going to have to warn Natasha.
Careful.
Don't go rocking the boat too hard.
We do need this wedding to go ahead.
I want you to put everything back the way Mr Daniels likes it.
-Including the carpet.
-You're kidding? You're not kidding.
I don't get it.
Why am I going to all this trouble for someone you wanted out of the hotel? How about because there's plenty of other people who would like to be head receptionist? Good enough for me.
I expected you earlier.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
MAN ONTV: Britain and France have sent their forces in to I need to speak to you about Alexis.
I think he's done some kind of deal with your father.
Is that right? Is everything okay? Natasha.
What's wrong? How much did you get for persuading me to have the wedding in the hotel? Alexis just told me about your little scams.
-It's It's really not what you think.
-So what is it, then? I thought we were friends.
-I thought you wanted to help me.
-I do.
But only if you're going to make some money out of me.
I'm sorry you found out like this.
-But Alexis is up to something -You're so full of shit.
He knew that I'd find out something was going on and that's why he's told you about the money.
-He wants you to stop trusting me.
-Then he's succeeded, hasn't he? -Natasha, surely -Miss Balanovsky to you! Now get out of my room.
And, Charlie take those plates with you.
Hey, Charlie.
What do you think you're playing at? -Is this any way to treat a guest? -Now, you listen to me.
You are going to do exactly what we've told you and stop dicking about.
And what are you going to do if I don't? Are you going to cancel the wedding? Tell Rebecca about your little scam? Or maybe I should.
No? God, I love this place.
-What's going on with you and Balanovsky? -Come on.
Chill out.
He can afford it.
Or maybe you want me to cut you in? Hey, come on.
Why risk losing your job? She's only a guest.
Stay.
Have a drink.
-The whole wedding's fake? -Now Alexis has completely lost the plot.
I tried to tell Natasha, but she wouldn't listen.
And if I do anything to stop the wedding, then Alexis is gonna go and tell Rebecca.
Why did you do it? What do you need the money for? Are you in trouble? I am now.
I'm probably going to lose me job over it.
I don't know what to do.
Well, aren't you going to do what we always do here? Put on such an amazing show that nobody notices what's going on behind the scenes? Me and Tony can't do it by ourselves.
So you have time for me now that you need something? I'm sorry.
If I help you, don't think for one second you're off the hook for behaving like a tosser.
I knew he wasn't a genuine guest.
See, I can spot a man with real money a mile off.
Oh, your parents must be so proud.
You can take the man out of the kitchen, but you can't take the kitchen out of the man.
It's the same with closets.
I hope this wedding is still going ahead.
I got them that wonderful Bitto Valtellina cheese.
The wedding is going to go ahead as planned.
We need Mr Balanovsky to get on that plane tomorrow night thinking that his daughter is happily married.
Alexis is completely out of control, and the whole thing is in danger of blowing up in our faces.
We need your help.
So, how much are you guys making from the wedding? More to the point, what's our cut for helping you? The registrar has just arrived.
-Have you spoken to him? -Not yet.
Are you sure you want to do this? -Do it.
-Her wedding, your funeral.
Now, you've all got a copy of the legend.
This will tell you everything you need to know about Natasha, Alexis and their relationship.
Mr Balanovsky is not a big talker, but if you do speak to him, stick to the legend.
If even one of you gets this wrong, we're all dead in the water.
Right.
Good luck.
-Who are they? -Students from the hotel training college.
-They're eager and they're cheap.
-Good idea.
Good to meet you.
So this is it, huh, Charlie? Wish me luck.
Would it kill him to talk to his daughter on her wedding day? -NATASHA: Papa.
-It's time.
I declare that I know of no legal reason why I, Natasha, may not be joined in marriage to Alexis.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
And I'd like to thank Vladimir for paying for all this.
Well, the guy's seriously loaded, so Here's to you, Dad.
And I'd like to thank Charlie, yes, and Tony who have made today the most -Had Mr Mitrovski finished? -Oh, yeah.
He's definitely finished.
-Enjoy.
-Thank you, Gino.
You put everything back.
-And now I want you to do something for me.
-Of course.
Anything.
I want you to call your wife.
The longer you leave it before you call her, the harder it's going to be.
And we'll have to change the carpet eventually.
Rebecca and Mark aren't in at the moment.
Please leave a message after the tone, and we'll get back to you.
Mark, it's me.
I know you're angry with me, and you've every right to be.
But we can't leave things like this.
I need to see you.
Call me.
Please.
Bye.
(SEX BOMBPLAYING) Hi.
Jackie.
Looks like some sort of story about Miss Balanovsky and her husband.
I think it's part of some speech.
-Where's Charlie? -Don't know.
Charlie.
-Rebecca's got a copy of the legend.
-Oh, shit.
-I thinkJackie managed to bluff her.
-I wouldn't bet on it.
Don't look, but Rebecca's on her way over.
-Where's Alexis and Natasha? -Haven't a clue.
Right, I'll see you in the lobby.
Oh, Rebecca.
Unfortunately I have to fly back to Russia tonight.
Perhaps you could help me find my daughter so I can say goodbye.
-Of course.
-Good.
They're not in the bar or the restaurant.
-Hello.
-Charlie.
-ALEXIS: Sweetie, don't do that.
-It's Alexis, he's crazy.
Ben.
# The sweetest song that I could sing # Oh baby, oh baby, yeah # Oh, she marries me, but she won't screw me.
Women.
If you've so much as touched her, you're gonna be sorry that you ever walked into this hotel.
What are you going to do, Charlie boy? You can't do anything.
I'm a guest, and you're staff.
-King of the world! -Always hated that film.
ALEXIS: Take your hands off me! NATASHA: Charlie, don't! ALEXIS: Get off me! -What the hell is going on? -Nothing.
Natasha, what is this? See how your staff treat an important guest, Miss Mitchell.
-Charlie, explain yourself.
-It's not Charlie's fault.
I barely knew Alexis.
I only married him so I could stay in England.
You make fool of me, spend all my money.
You! I pay you to look after my daughter.
This is the way you treat me, huh? -I had no idea this was going on -All of you! -You're worse than a bunch of prostitutes.
-You liked it when it suits you.
-You You shut your mouth.
-Or maybe you shut your mouth.
Or maybe I tell your daughter you paid me a hundred grand to take her back to Russia after the wedding.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) ALEXIS: So you are all prostitutes.
Except your daughter.
It's my wedding night, you know, and I get nothing.
Mr Balanovsky, I swear I had no idea this was going on.
-But I assure you that I'll do every -Victor.
I want you to buy this hotel.
Yes, pay whatever it takes.
Appoint a recruitment company.
We're going to need new management team.
All of you, start looking for new jobs.
And you, you go pack.
You're coming back to Russia with me.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) You bribed a registrar, risked the hotel's wedding licence, bumped a regular event, deceived one of our most important guests, lied to me, and worst of all, you got caught! -Rebecca -I don't want to hear it! Now, I'm going to have to call the owner and beg him not to sell out to Balanovsky.
What am I supposed to say to him? -Well -Shut up! Yeah.
I should make sure every hotel in the world knows how badly you screwed up.
You won't be able to get a job washing plates.
Now get out.
She's really scary.
TONY: Hundred grand for his daughter.
What a scumbag.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) You really think this is going to work? If you're stuck in a lift, what else is there to do but talk? How long do you think they'll need? They've been in there almost an hour.
Well, I guess if they haven't sorted it out by now, they never will.
-This is your cut from the suppliers.
-Thanks.
Could you please take my daughter's case back to her room? Of course.
And I believe this is yours, sir.
I hope it's not too late to get drink in the bar.
All this talking is thirsty work.
Oh, and tell Miss Mitchell that I won't be buying her hotel.
Who wants a hotel where the lifts don't work? (LAUGHING) You spoke to your wife? We're going to give things another try.
I'm going to get some help.
I've arranged for a taxi to take you straight home.
You're doing the right thing.
-And what about you, Miss Mitchell? -I'm working on it.
Gino made you a Martini for the journey.
There's three olives inside the lid.
Goodbye, Mr Daniels.
Goodbye, Miss Mitchell.
And thank you.
Fly, fly away, little bird.
Do gay men get some kind of training in how to be camp? There's nothing to afraid of.
Are you sure you're all right? -Please, in here.
-Are you sure, sir? Thieving bastards! I'm married to her.
I won't let her divorce me.
-She's my wife! -Is she? Have you met Paul, our new security guard? Bears a striking resemblance to the registrar, doesn't he? -You're not married to anyone.
-Bastards! Thank you.
All right, Charlie, what's going on? -Here's the five grand that you need for Ibiza.
-Nice one, mate.
Looks like I won't be needing to put in that application form after all, eh? -I'll send you a cheque as soon as I'm earning.
-Yeah.
I hope you were telling that gobby little oik he shouldn't be parking there.
Don't worry, we won't be seeing him around any more.
-I hear you're going back to Russia.
-Just for the summer.
Spend some time with dad.
Turns out he's actually a bit lonely.
Then we're both moving to London.
-Well, I'll have your suite ready.
-I'll be getting a flat.
I can't spend the rest of my life living in hotels.
It's not real, is it? Goodbye, Miss Balanovsky.
Goodbye, Mr Edwards.
-I'm sorry.
-I'm not sure that's good enough, Charlie.
Any word from the hospital on Mr Daniels? Oh, just a few cuts and bruises.
His wife collected him.
Mr Balanovsky just settled in cash.
So, maybe you'd like to pop that in the safe? CHARLIE: We can do many things for long-term guests and living in a hotel might seem like an attractive option.
But don't stay too long because there are some things we can't do.
We can't solve all of your problems.
That's down to you.
-Mr Henderson? -Yeah, speaking.
-Hello.
-Hello.
My name's Rebecca Mitchell.
I wanted to talk to you about someone who used to work for you.
But he looks so scruffy.
Anna, when you're a millionaire, there's no need to flash designer labels.
I have a very specific request.
If you get caught, you'll get the sack, you know.
Sorry about that.
-You offer quite a service.
-We are five star.
These people cannot afford to eat in this house, but they would love to.
-You vandalised my car.
-You vandalised our wedding vows.
I've been asked out on a date for tonight.
I think your husband is a very lucky man.
So you haven't got anyone special to go home to? Do you ever just feel like, well, having a bit of fun?
Now, there's just a few things I need.
CHARLIE: On the whole, hotels have an ambivalent attitude towards long-term guests.
It depends why you're staying.
Perhaps you're addicted to the attention to detail, the precision, and symmetry.
Or perhaps you just need a place to hide, even if you should really know better.
There is, however, one type of long-term guest hotels can't get enough of.
That's millionaires, like rock stars, who keep an apartment in hotels which they visit once or twice a year.
This way, please.
They pay for use of a room for a whole year in advance on the understanding that it's kept empty awaiting their whimsical arrival.
Except, of course, it isn't.
Because the room is empty, we can't resist double booking it.
So there was a flood, which blew a fuse, which caused a fire.
I'm afraid your suite is completely, completely uninhabitable.
(VALERIEPLAYING ON TV) But generally, if you're a long-term guest, we'll go the extra mile for you.
We'll cater for your every whim, no matter how eccentric your particular requirements.
We'll satisfy your off-menu requests.
Some long terms guests are wealthy foreign students.
We can really get attached to them.
They become part of the hotel family.
But there are some things we just can't do, even for our favourite guests.
Charlie, I need you to find me a husband.
My father is refusing to sponsor me to stay in the UK.
He wants me to go back to Russia.
The only way I can stay in England is to get married.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but why don't you want to go home? In Russia, I'm Vladimir Balanovsky's daughter.
I can have anything I want except my independence.
I want a life of my own.
Well, maybe you can talk to your father.
-Tell him how you feel.
-I've tried.
Since mum died, it's like dad doesn't know what to say to me, so he doesn't say anything at all.
Anyway, it's too late.
He's arriving tomorrow night to meet my fiancé.
You've told him you're getting married? It was either that or going back to Russia on Saturday.
You've got to help me.
All right, Charlie.
Can I have a quick word? -What can I do for you? -I'm going to apply for a job as a hotel driver.
I need some help with the application form.
It's this section 15.
"Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offence? "If yes, please give details.
" What's the best way to handle that? What did you put? I don't think a job here would suit you.
Maybe you're right.
I've been thinking about going over to Ibiza.
Big demand for limos over there.
-Yeah, Ibiza sounds good.
-Could be very good.
Trouble is, I haven't got the five grand I need to set it up.
Maybe I'll find it from somewhere, eh? Let me know if you can help me out with the application form.
She asked you to find her a husband? What did you say? Obviously I said I can't help her, I'm sorry.
She was really upset.
Well, it's not totally impossible.
I mean, the registrar we use is a good mate.
Slip him a few quid, and he'll back-date the application on the marriage licence.
You're talking about getting a dodgy wedding licence for Vladimir Balanovsky's daughter? I'm seriously considering it.
-Here you go, boys.
-Thank you.
-Who's she gonna marry? -I'm sure we'll find her someone.
-We could hold the ceremony here.
-Oh, no.
-Just think about it -No.
-Why not? -Because it's illegal.
The hotel would lose its wedding licence.
And if Rebecca found out, you and I would lose our jobs.
-Rebecca is not going to find out.
-Forget about it.
Anyway, if she wants to stay, she's going to have to get married on Saturday.
And the ballroom is booked for the Weight Watchers of the Year Award.
No.
We'll bump the fatties to The Burlington.
No one makes any money out of them anyway.
They never eat or drink anything.
That's the whole point, Tone.
Vladimir Balanovsky is one of the richest men in Russia.
Think how much money he's going to spend on his daughter's wedding.
I don't care how much he's going to spend.
We're not having an illegal wedding in the hotel.
If you help me pull this off, I'll cut you in for a slice of the profits.
CHARLIE: Hotels are the number one choice when it comes to holding a wedding.
And we're more than happy to host your special day.
But it's not because we're romantics.
We charge 500 quid an hour for a room that would normally be sitting empty.
But it's the scams that bring in the big bucks.
Aha! Good to see you.
How are you? Booze, food, cakes, bands, discos, flowers, everything you might conceivably need for a wedding generate a kickback from the supplier.
Hello.
Oh, nice to see you.
And then there's corkage.
We charge 10 quid just to open a bottle of champagne.
And at the end of the night, watch out for the creative accountancy.
One, two, three, four, five, ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty, ninety.
It is short notice, but we can definitely do it.
-I'll cut you in for three grand.
-Five grand.
-Four.
-Five.
-Or we can have it somewhere else.
-Done.
Hello.
What time do you call this? Sorry.
Someone threw themselves in front of my train.
In rush hour.
How selfish can you get? Perhaps you should try leaving home a little earlier.
If it was up to me, I'd have driven the thing straight over them.
You're lucky.
It must be so much easier living in the hotel.
Just try and get here on time.
Mr Daniels? -Do you have a moment? -Of course.
What can I do for you, Miss Mitchell? I'm afraid we've had complaints from some of the other guests about your behaviour.
My behaviour? And the staff seem to think you've stopped going outside.
Well, why go outside when everything I need is right here in the hotel? I don't wish to pry, but I thought you were just staying with us while you sorted things out with your wife.
Looks like that might not happen.
-Well, have you spoken to her recently? -She doesn't want to talk to me.
Maybe you should try.
You can't You can't stay with us forever.
But I'm happy here.
Everything's just the way I like it.
Lovely to talk to you, Miss Mitchell.
-Did you tell Anna that I'm living in the hotel? -No.
Rebecca, with all due respect, did you really think you could hide out here without anyone finding out? I'm not hiding out.
Well, whatever it is, do you want to talk about it? The staff are asking questions.
What should I tell them? You're the deputy manager.
Do I really need to tell you how to handle the staff? -No.
-Good.
He thinks he owns that table.
He's disturbing other guests.
I want him out of the hotel.
But Mr Daniels has been with us for six months.
-Then it's about time he left.
-Okay, leave him to me.
I didn't say throw him out.
We can't.
-He's paid a month in advance.
-BEN: What do you want us to do? Disrupt his routine.
I'm hoping he'll decide to leave.
The longer we leave it, the worse it's going to get.
GUEST: What the hell is going on here? Would you explain what's happening? Ow, what the hell is this? We can back-date the paperwork and get you a marriage licence.
We'll also help you find a husband.
This really means a lot to me.
Thank you.
We were thinking you could have the wedding in the hotel.
I thought it would be a quick ceremony at the registry office.
Well, with respect, I don't think a quick ceremony is gonna help convince your father that the relationship is genuine.
I didn't think it would be a big wedding.
Charlie, what do you think? If you have it here in the hotel, we can control it and protect you.
If you think it's for the best.
-Then I guess I'll have the wedding here.
-Okay.
So, that gives us four days to find you a husband, convince your father that the relationship is genuine and organise the wedding.
Piece of cake.
So I'm thinking your husband needs to be attractive but also intelligent enough to fool your father.
-And he needs to be Russian.
-Why does he have to be Russian? My dad's angry now.
It will be 10 times worse if my fiancé isn't Russian.
If you want Russian, you shall have Russian.
This place is like the United Nations.
Too old.
Boris? (SNORING) He's holding down three jobs at the moment.
I think a wife might be more than he can cope with.
You're right.
Too tired.
Too (TOILET GURGLING) Yeah.
Don't worry.
That's for the staff.
What do you think? He's the right age.
Don't you think Rebecca or someone from the hotel could recognise him? Would you? Well, no.
Exactly.
You want me to get married to her? You've got UK citizenship, right? Well, Natasha needs to get married so she can stay in the country.
If you do it, I've lined up a doorman's job at The Chesterton for you.
No more pan washing? No.
Your pan-washing days will be well and truly over.
So I'd be grateful if you can offer Anna and Ben any assistance they might need in evicting Mr Daniels.
Any other business? The Weight Watcher of the Year Award has been cancelled.
JAMES: Oh, thank Christ for that.
The restaurant's like a morgue when that lot are here.
Last year I found one of them scoffing chocolate éclairs in a linen cupboard.
Why have they cancelled? Uh, apparently, the woman who was going to get the award, -she's put all the weight back on.
-Ballooned like a whale.
Thank you, Tony.
The good news is we've managed to secure a wedding for Saturday.
-Well, that's short notice.
Who is it? -Natasha Balanovsky.
-I didn't know she was engaged.
-There's some lucky bastard set for life.
He's a Russian guy.
Whirlwind romance.
Oh, you better not let him catch you flirting with her, then.
Hmm.
It's actually called service, Anna.
Something that you don't know about.
No.
It's called flirting.
Yeah, whatever it's called, hosting Vladimir Balanovsky's daughter's wedding will be very good PR for the hotel.
Good work, Charlie.
-So, when's Balanovsky himself arriving? -Tonight.
-The rumour is he's considering buying Arsenal.
-Well, that's small change to him, isn't it? Yeah.
Apparently he's in some kind of dick-waving contest with Abramovich over at Chelsea.
Well, then let's put some lead in his pencil.
Pull out all the stops.
Send his daughter off in style.
Thank you.
You feeling okay? Why? Thought you might have a headache or something.
What makes you think that? I'm just trying to figure out the cause of your sudden loss of sex drive.
Sorry.
I've been a bit flat out.
You know what they say, use it or lose it.
Morning, Mr Daniels.
I'm afraid the pool's closed for cleaning.
It can't be.
Sorry.
Not today.
If we're going to convince Natasha's father that the marriage is genuine, you need to look, think and act like a guest.
This line-caught sea bass, exactly where and when was it caught? Good.
Don't be afraid to go off-menu.
Do you have any yak's milk? If they haven't, maybe they can fly some in.
Now, it's obviously essential that you look the part.
The minute you walk into the hotel, your whole attitude has got to change.
You're rich, you're successful, you're confident.
You belong here.
-Okay? -Okay.
Good.
Let's smarten him up.
Tipping is an art.
-Thank you, sir.
-Oh.
Thank you, sir.
It's all very, very smooth.
-Thank you, sir.
-Good to see you again, sir.
Now, you try.
-Thank you, sir.
-Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
-Yeah, I'm not a lap dancer.
-I'm sure you could be for a price.
Very good.
I'm very sorry, Mr Daniels, but I'm afraid we're out of olives.
What? No.
One, two, three olives, sip of extra dry Martini.
Three olives.
Very sorry, Mr Daniels.
One, two olives.
So, it's £1 for the doorman, £2 for the bellboy, £5 for the head receptionist.
You know what? Forget the head receptionist.
The rest of your luggage is in the boot.
Some cash for tips and stuff like that.
You all set? You just believe in yourself, you're gonna be fine.
Come on.
-Do you think he can pull it off? -Well, I guess we're gonna find out, mate.
DEREK: Good evening.
Relax.
I can't believe he's the same person.
-Maybe you should go over and greet him.
-Oh, yeah.
And that is a beautiful moment.
If we don't get caught.
CHARLIE: How are you, sir? -Miss Balanovsky.
Congratulations.
-Thank you.
This is Alexis Mitrovski, my fiancé.
Rebecca Mitchell, the General Manager.
Have we met before? Perhaps you've worked at the Nevskij Palace Hotel in St Petersburg? No, I'm afraid not.
I'm sure it's my mistake.
Well, it's an honour that you've chosen to have your wedding at the hotel.
Enjoy your stay.
This is gonna work.
Now all we have to do is convince Russia's most ruthless business tycoon.
-What time's he due? -8:00.
Hello, Mr Daniels.
I want to make a complaint.
I don't know who is responsible for servicing my room, but it's an absolute disgrace.
I'm sorry Mr Daniels, but I really don't see what the problem is.
Well, I'll show you what the problem is.
Bed sheet folded back to a 90-degree angle.
Remote control on corner of folded sheet.
Breakfast slip on pillow nearest telephone.
Ah, you've noticed our new turn-down routine? No.
No new turn-down routine! Old turn-down routine! Oh, it's hotel policy, I'm afraid.
-Bed sheet folded back 75 degrees.
-90 degrees! -Remote control on pillow.
-Remote control on corner of folded sheet.
-Breakfast slip -No! I'm sure you'll get used to it.
-Is he going to be all right? -He won't be when I replace the carpet.
These Yanks can't get enough of these bloody Lloyd Webber musicals.
That limo driver.
How do he and Charlie know each other? Uh, some of the guests use him.
-I got the impression they know each other.
-No.
Not really.
He asked for an application to be one of the hotel's drivers.
-What did Rebecca want? -Huh? -Was she asking about Alexis? -Relax.
She didn't even mention him.
She was asking about that limo driver.
-DEREK: Stand by your beds.
-Here it goes.
Wait.
Good evening, Mr Balanovsky.
Welcome back.
-Your suites are ready for you.
-Thank you.
Could you tell me where my daughter is, please? I believe she's in the bar, sir, which is this way.
VLADIMIR: Ah.
Thank you, sir.
Dad.
-Dad, this is Alexis.
-It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
Sit.
We've trained him well.
He'll be fine.
CHARLIE: Oh, God.
-Everything all right, Mr Daniels? -It's all gone to hell, Charlie.
You.
Hands off me.
That don't look so good.
Do have a seat, hmm? What do you know about my daughter's fiancé, this Alexis? Not very much, I'm afraid.
Is he a regular at hotel? No.
-Does he have money? -I'm afraid I don't know.
-Does my daughter talk to you about him at all? -A little.
I I think it's a whirlwind romance.
Does she love him? I'd say so.
Hmm.
Well, you make sure that my daughter has everything she wants for her wedding.
Cost is not problem.
That's all.
He said give her everything she wants regardless of the cost? We're gonna make a killing.
Why did he just roll over? Guys like that, they're used to getting what they want.
Well, maybe he's different when it comes to his daughter.
I don't trust him.
It's all doom and gloom with you, isn't it? Look, stop fretting.
We've done the hard part.
Now we just sit back, let the money roll in.
I've got this plasma screen in my room, it's bigger than this table.
With all of the movie channels.
We've got all the sports channels, with the surround sound.
It's actually Alexis.
Can I have a quick word? You shouldn't be down here, and you certainly shouldn't be talking to them.
-But they're my friends.
-Not right now they're not.
Guests socialising with staff.
It just doesn't happen.
And they said that you and Tony would be making a lot of money from holding the wedding in the hotel, yes? Never mind about that.
You just stay focused.
Remember the doorman's job at the Chesterton, okay? Mr Mitrovski? Mr Mitrovski insisted on a behind-the-scenes tour.
I see.
I'm just showing him back up to the lobby now.
This way.
Charlie? Could you excuse us for one second, Mr Mitrovski? That bulimic model is back in 402.
The maids are refusing to service her room.
I take it she's emptied the mini-bar? Why she has to purge into the bath, I will never know.
She could at least take out the plug.
-Ah.
Great.
-So, you decided to use it after all? Uh, sorry.
Not exactly.
The catwalk queen, she's been purging in the bath again.
What? I warned you, Charlie, use it or lose it.
You just lost it.
What do you think? -Is it a bit over the top? -It's beautiful.
It feels like such a waste.
I'm only going to wear it for one day.
Well, it's one of the most important days of your life.
You're married, aren't you? -What was your wedding like? -Small.
-We didn't want to make a big fuss.
-Why not? I'm not really sure.
We just didn't.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
I'm sorry, Mr Daniels, but we can't re-lay the original carpet in the corridor.
-I'll pay for it! -No.
Not even if you pay for it.
Sounds like he's in a bad way.
-I almost feel sorry for him.
-Really? -So what are we going to do? -We're gonna push him over the edge.
I'll book an automatic alarm call every 30 minutes throughout the night.
Gino.
Uh, how long have those two been over there? Maybe an hour.
They've been hammering Glen Garioch 58.
Already spent over a grand.
VLADIMIR: That kind of money goes a long way.
Gino, can you give me a bottle of red? Nothing too heavy.
How about a nice Château de Courcel? Shall I have it sent up to your room? Did I ask for it to be sent up to my room? Well, no.
Why's that dirty ashtray there? Feeling okay? I'm fine.
I do my job.
I just wish the rest of you would do the same.
Empty the ashtray! You want a wine glass? Angry women give me the big frutti tutti.
Morning.
Sleep well? -What? -Did you sleep well? Can't any of you mind your own business? What are you doing? The guy in 408 has his tie caught in the trouser press.
Right.
We think we might have a little bit of a problem.
Mr Daniels never misses his scrambled eggs, three mushrooms and one tomato on lightly buttered wholegrain toast.
-No one's seen him since we changed the carpet.
-He won't let the maids service his room.
Can't anyone do anything in this place? -Well, I'm glad I don't suffer with PMT.
-We all are.
Mr Daniels? Are you okay? I'm exhausted.
I received alarm calls all night.
When I unplugged the phone, they started knocking on the door.
I was so happy here.
What's happened to your hotel? Your behaviour was disturbing other guests.
I wanted you to leave.
I'll behave.
I promise.
These things you do, your routines, is that why you can't go home? Sarah told me if I didn't get help, I had to go.
So you came to us? This is about the worst place for you.
-But I like it here.
-Of course you do.
We're paid to indulge you.
No one's going to force you to get help.
-Have you spoken to your wife? -I can't.
What am I going to say to her? Look, I can't tell you what to say, but you can't spend the rest of your life hiding in a hotel room.
It's not going to solve anything.
-Miss Mitchell? -Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me.
-Stop it! -What's wrong? -No, I can't.
I'm the manager, you're a guest.
-I don't mind.
My marriage is over.
It's my fault.
I worked too hard.
I was never there.
And I feel so guilty, but I love my job.
And I think I love my husband.
And I'm living in the hotel.
And everyone knows.
And I'm being mental.
And I'm crying in front of a guest.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
-Oh, sorry.
-Thank you.
Well We're a right pair, aren't we? Can I have a word? If it's about yesterday, I'm sorry we haven't had a chance to see each other, but I've just been really busy with this wedding.
You really know how to make a girl feel special, don't you? -That's not what I wanted to talk to you about.
-What's the problem? Natasha Balanovsky's fiancé just asked me for a lap dance.
He said if I had a problem with it, I should speak to you.
Excuse me, Mr Mitrovski.
I was wondering if we could go over the arrangements for the wedding? Maybe later.
-It's really quite urgent.
-I'll let you know when.
Of course.
Charlie? I believe my wine's corked.
-I'll have that replaced for you right away, sir.
-Good man.
Corked my arse.
It's fine.
Ignorant little shit.
I'll dangle my balls in it.
Tell him it's a fresh glass.
Much better.
Thank you, my friend.
I do love a wedding.
Alexis is acting like he runs the place.
And I've seen Balanovsky giving him a briefcase.
Well, maybe it was a wedding present.
-Yeah, he's also asked Jackie for a lap dance.
-Well, we did tell him to behave like a guest.
I'm telling you, something's not right.
I'm going to have to warn Natasha.
Careful.
Don't go rocking the boat too hard.
We do need this wedding to go ahead.
I want you to put everything back the way Mr Daniels likes it.
-Including the carpet.
-You're kidding? You're not kidding.
I don't get it.
Why am I going to all this trouble for someone you wanted out of the hotel? How about because there's plenty of other people who would like to be head receptionist? Good enough for me.
I expected you earlier.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
MAN ONTV: Britain and France have sent their forces in to I need to speak to you about Alexis.
I think he's done some kind of deal with your father.
Is that right? Is everything okay? Natasha.
What's wrong? How much did you get for persuading me to have the wedding in the hotel? Alexis just told me about your little scams.
-It's It's really not what you think.
-So what is it, then? I thought we were friends.
-I thought you wanted to help me.
-I do.
But only if you're going to make some money out of me.
I'm sorry you found out like this.
-But Alexis is up to something -You're so full of shit.
He knew that I'd find out something was going on and that's why he's told you about the money.
-He wants you to stop trusting me.
-Then he's succeeded, hasn't he? -Natasha, surely -Miss Balanovsky to you! Now get out of my room.
And, Charlie take those plates with you.
Hey, Charlie.
What do you think you're playing at? -Is this any way to treat a guest? -Now, you listen to me.
You are going to do exactly what we've told you and stop dicking about.
And what are you going to do if I don't? Are you going to cancel the wedding? Tell Rebecca about your little scam? Or maybe I should.
No? God, I love this place.
-What's going on with you and Balanovsky? -Come on.
Chill out.
He can afford it.
Or maybe you want me to cut you in? Hey, come on.
Why risk losing your job? She's only a guest.
Stay.
Have a drink.
-The whole wedding's fake? -Now Alexis has completely lost the plot.
I tried to tell Natasha, but she wouldn't listen.
And if I do anything to stop the wedding, then Alexis is gonna go and tell Rebecca.
Why did you do it? What do you need the money for? Are you in trouble? I am now.
I'm probably going to lose me job over it.
I don't know what to do.
Well, aren't you going to do what we always do here? Put on such an amazing show that nobody notices what's going on behind the scenes? Me and Tony can't do it by ourselves.
So you have time for me now that you need something? I'm sorry.
If I help you, don't think for one second you're off the hook for behaving like a tosser.
I knew he wasn't a genuine guest.
See, I can spot a man with real money a mile off.
Oh, your parents must be so proud.
You can take the man out of the kitchen, but you can't take the kitchen out of the man.
It's the same with closets.
I hope this wedding is still going ahead.
I got them that wonderful Bitto Valtellina cheese.
The wedding is going to go ahead as planned.
We need Mr Balanovsky to get on that plane tomorrow night thinking that his daughter is happily married.
Alexis is completely out of control, and the whole thing is in danger of blowing up in our faces.
We need your help.
So, how much are you guys making from the wedding? More to the point, what's our cut for helping you? The registrar has just arrived.
-Have you spoken to him? -Not yet.
Are you sure you want to do this? -Do it.
-Her wedding, your funeral.
Now, you've all got a copy of the legend.
This will tell you everything you need to know about Natasha, Alexis and their relationship.
Mr Balanovsky is not a big talker, but if you do speak to him, stick to the legend.
If even one of you gets this wrong, we're all dead in the water.
Right.
Good luck.
-Who are they? -Students from the hotel training college.
-They're eager and they're cheap.
-Good idea.
Good to meet you.
So this is it, huh, Charlie? Wish me luck.
Would it kill him to talk to his daughter on her wedding day? -NATASHA: Papa.
-It's time.
I declare that I know of no legal reason why I, Natasha, may not be joined in marriage to Alexis.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
And I'd like to thank Vladimir for paying for all this.
Well, the guy's seriously loaded, so Here's to you, Dad.
And I'd like to thank Charlie, yes, and Tony who have made today the most -Had Mr Mitrovski finished? -Oh, yeah.
He's definitely finished.
-Enjoy.
-Thank you, Gino.
You put everything back.
-And now I want you to do something for me.
-Of course.
Anything.
I want you to call your wife.
The longer you leave it before you call her, the harder it's going to be.
And we'll have to change the carpet eventually.
Rebecca and Mark aren't in at the moment.
Please leave a message after the tone, and we'll get back to you.
Mark, it's me.
I know you're angry with me, and you've every right to be.
But we can't leave things like this.
I need to see you.
Call me.
Please.
Bye.
(SEX BOMBPLAYING) Hi.
Jackie.
Looks like some sort of story about Miss Balanovsky and her husband.
I think it's part of some speech.
-Where's Charlie? -Don't know.
Charlie.
-Rebecca's got a copy of the legend.
-Oh, shit.
-I thinkJackie managed to bluff her.
-I wouldn't bet on it.
Don't look, but Rebecca's on her way over.
-Where's Alexis and Natasha? -Haven't a clue.
Right, I'll see you in the lobby.
Oh, Rebecca.
Unfortunately I have to fly back to Russia tonight.
Perhaps you could help me find my daughter so I can say goodbye.
-Of course.
-Good.
They're not in the bar or the restaurant.
-Hello.
-Charlie.
-ALEXIS: Sweetie, don't do that.
-It's Alexis, he's crazy.
Ben.
# The sweetest song that I could sing # Oh baby, oh baby, yeah # Oh, she marries me, but she won't screw me.
Women.
If you've so much as touched her, you're gonna be sorry that you ever walked into this hotel.
What are you going to do, Charlie boy? You can't do anything.
I'm a guest, and you're staff.
-King of the world! -Always hated that film.
ALEXIS: Take your hands off me! NATASHA: Charlie, don't! ALEXIS: Get off me! -What the hell is going on? -Nothing.
Natasha, what is this? See how your staff treat an important guest, Miss Mitchell.
-Charlie, explain yourself.
-It's not Charlie's fault.
I barely knew Alexis.
I only married him so I could stay in England.
You make fool of me, spend all my money.
You! I pay you to look after my daughter.
This is the way you treat me, huh? -I had no idea this was going on -All of you! -You're worse than a bunch of prostitutes.
-You liked it when it suits you.
-You You shut your mouth.
-Or maybe you shut your mouth.
Or maybe I tell your daughter you paid me a hundred grand to take her back to Russia after the wedding.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) ALEXIS: So you are all prostitutes.
Except your daughter.
It's my wedding night, you know, and I get nothing.
Mr Balanovsky, I swear I had no idea this was going on.
-But I assure you that I'll do every -Victor.
I want you to buy this hotel.
Yes, pay whatever it takes.
Appoint a recruitment company.
We're going to need new management team.
All of you, start looking for new jobs.
And you, you go pack.
You're coming back to Russia with me.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) You bribed a registrar, risked the hotel's wedding licence, bumped a regular event, deceived one of our most important guests, lied to me, and worst of all, you got caught! -Rebecca -I don't want to hear it! Now, I'm going to have to call the owner and beg him not to sell out to Balanovsky.
What am I supposed to say to him? -Well -Shut up! Yeah.
I should make sure every hotel in the world knows how badly you screwed up.
You won't be able to get a job washing plates.
Now get out.
She's really scary.
TONY: Hundred grand for his daughter.
What a scumbag.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) You really think this is going to work? If you're stuck in a lift, what else is there to do but talk? How long do you think they'll need? They've been in there almost an hour.
Well, I guess if they haven't sorted it out by now, they never will.
-This is your cut from the suppliers.
-Thanks.
Could you please take my daughter's case back to her room? Of course.
And I believe this is yours, sir.
I hope it's not too late to get drink in the bar.
All this talking is thirsty work.
Oh, and tell Miss Mitchell that I won't be buying her hotel.
Who wants a hotel where the lifts don't work? (LAUGHING) You spoke to your wife? We're going to give things another try.
I'm going to get some help.
I've arranged for a taxi to take you straight home.
You're doing the right thing.
-And what about you, Miss Mitchell? -I'm working on it.
Gino made you a Martini for the journey.
There's three olives inside the lid.
Goodbye, Mr Daniels.
Goodbye, Miss Mitchell.
And thank you.
Fly, fly away, little bird.
Do gay men get some kind of training in how to be camp? There's nothing to afraid of.
Are you sure you're all right? -Please, in here.
-Are you sure, sir? Thieving bastards! I'm married to her.
I won't let her divorce me.
-She's my wife! -Is she? Have you met Paul, our new security guard? Bears a striking resemblance to the registrar, doesn't he? -You're not married to anyone.
-Bastards! Thank you.
All right, Charlie, what's going on? -Here's the five grand that you need for Ibiza.
-Nice one, mate.
Looks like I won't be needing to put in that application form after all, eh? -I'll send you a cheque as soon as I'm earning.
-Yeah.
I hope you were telling that gobby little oik he shouldn't be parking there.
Don't worry, we won't be seeing him around any more.
-I hear you're going back to Russia.
-Just for the summer.
Spend some time with dad.
Turns out he's actually a bit lonely.
Then we're both moving to London.
-Well, I'll have your suite ready.
-I'll be getting a flat.
I can't spend the rest of my life living in hotels.
It's not real, is it? Goodbye, Miss Balanovsky.
Goodbye, Mr Edwards.
-I'm sorry.
-I'm not sure that's good enough, Charlie.
Any word from the hospital on Mr Daniels? Oh, just a few cuts and bruises.
His wife collected him.
Mr Balanovsky just settled in cash.
So, maybe you'd like to pop that in the safe? CHARLIE: We can do many things for long-term guests and living in a hotel might seem like an attractive option.
But don't stay too long because there are some things we can't do.
We can't solve all of your problems.
That's down to you.
-Mr Henderson? -Yeah, speaking.
-Hello.
-Hello.
My name's Rebecca Mitchell.
I wanted to talk to you about someone who used to work for you.
But he looks so scruffy.
Anna, when you're a millionaire, there's no need to flash designer labels.
I have a very specific request.
If you get caught, you'll get the sack, you know.
Sorry about that.
-You offer quite a service.
-We are five star.
These people cannot afford to eat in this house, but they would love to.
-You vandalised my car.
-You vandalised our wedding vows.
I've been asked out on a date for tonight.
I think your husband is a very lucky man.
So you haven't got anyone special to go home to? Do you ever just feel like, well, having a bit of fun?