Housebroken (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Being a dog of shorter legs
has its challenges.
Can't wear boots.
I pee on myself.
But it's nothing compared
to the challenge
of living up to my uniform,
which I've also peed on.
- Honey, am I boring you?
- No, no, go on, Elsa.
Is the vest an honor? Yes.
A responsibility? Yes.
Now Chico feels left out,
so Kevin
That reminds me.
Kevin
No. Guys, we've got
to shake things up.
Does anybody
have anything new to share?
- Well, Lindsay and I
- Damn it, Shel. New!
Just looking for something new.
[chuckles awkwardly]
- This reeks of censorship.
- Now, Shel
Lindsay is my everything,
and if I'm prohibited
from I'm storming out.
I'm storming out of here.
Walking out right now.
Oh, nobody stop me,
'cause I am out of here.
Leaving in a huff.
Here I'm going.
Storming out.
Hate it when he leaves,
love to watch him go, right?
[slow electronic music]
Damn.
[upbeat music]
[dogs barking melodically]
♪
[cats and dogs vocalizing]
♪
[snoring]
Mm. And how much does
the French horn cost?
Uh-huh. And do you let
customers play them or?
Oh, yeah, of course, of course.
[chuckles]
[object clatters]
[dramatic music]
♪
[object clatters]
[gasps]
Oh, Coyote.
[electronic dance music]
♪
Whoa.
♪
[munching]
My garbage.
I'm here me.
- [hisses]
- Oh, you're a raccoon.
Well, you seem disappointed.
- Expecting somebody else?
- What? No.
You know there's a coyote
in the area.
- A real sexy, dangerous one, too.
- Really? [car passing by]
Did you hear that?
What was that?
I'll bite its danglies.
My garbage.
Me, mine.
You seem a little anxious.
Maybe I can help you with that.
Yeah?
How are you gonna help me?
Wow, oh, your paws.
They are hands.
- Oh, these bad boys?
- Wow.
So I run a group therapy.
Animals get together
and share their struggles.
And I just I think you would
really benefit from it.
What do you get out of this?
I get the satisfaction
of helping other animals.
Plus, it's gotten kind of dull
and a feral trash bandit
might spice things up.
I'd rather get run over
by a Mommy Smusher.
- A car?
- [hisses]
I won't do it. Go away.
Okay, okay.
Well, you're in a mood,
but if you change your mind,
we meet in this house right here.
Wait, you're inviting me
inside the house
with a door and a shower
and a fireplace?
- Yes.
- Let me ask you this.
Who has weird little hands
and will be there?
Me.
He seemed so scared,
but I reached him.
A wild animal.
It was so thrilling.
Don't eat that sock, Chief.
What? No.
Eat a what?
This is Jill's, and I what?
No. Come on.
Anyway, keep talking
about your boring thing.
- I saw a raccoon.
- Ooh, which raccoon was it?
I don't know.
They all look the same.
- Species-ist.
- No. I mean, you know,
they all have
that mask over their eyes.
Mm-hmm. Sure.
And, yes, while he may be
technically wild,
like a possum or, well,
I don't know, like a coyote,
does that mean
we cannot form bonds?
- Honey.
- No.
Oh, no.
I don't want to smell it.
The raccoon can shake things up.
Exhilarating, right?
He was just sitting there
on our trash can,
eating chicken on the bone?
I wish I could eat chicken
on the bone.
Well, you can't. No socks
and no chicken on the bone.
The bones will choke you.
That's why Jill feeds us
delicious chicken from a can.
- We eat it mushed.
- Yes, we do.
- And we love it.
- Oh.
All right.
Now let me smell that paw.
[sniffing]
Ooh, disgusting.
I know, right?
I don't hear can opening.
Why? [gags]
What is that smell?
Excuse me? Daddy?
Brett?
There have been mistake.
I think you put kitty litter
in my food bowl.
- Tabitha hates her new food.
- She'll eat when she's hungry.
Senior food for old cats.
And, you know, I am
gangster, you know this.
I'm very beautiful, classy,
but step to me, I will cut you.
- Are you a cat?
- [gasps]
- Oh, my.
- Excuse me?
Oh, my mistake. I'm sorry.
- Should I be quiet?
- No, rip into her.
That's what
group therapy's about.
If you're hungry,
why don't you just go
kill a bird and eat it like
a cat?
Whoa, whoa. Shots fired.
I don't know what you're
laughing about, piggy.
Apparently this guy went
to market and had roast beef.
All right, that's not
I don't think
we need to go there.
I mean, come on,
this guy's boinking a shoe.
This guy is
boinking his fiancée.
- Locking it down!
- Uh, what?
She may not be the bride that
Grandmere dreamt of for me,
but
[moaning]
Marry me.
[snoring]
I wanted to tell you last session,
but apparently
it wasn't new enough for you.
Whoa.
Here I thought the thing
with the umbrella
would be the biggest freak.
Ha, you are new around here.
- Ew. Honey.
- This is different. Isn't it?
Our new member has a unique way
of communicating.
Provocative, yes?
- Slightly intriguing.
- What, this guy?
- Yeah, I'm wild.
- I'm pretty wild, too, dude.
No collar.
No depth perception.
My worms have worms.
Oh, cool.
Hey, do you sleep in a house?
- Yes, but
- Why, yes.
I would like to dance with you,
Catrick Swayze.
I don't think you're asking
the right questions.
Tame. So tame.
We may not be wild, but that
doesn't mean life's
all kibbles and bits.
I'm constantly shuttled
between my mom's condo
and my father's craftsman.
And I'm handled very roughly
by the children
in my classroom.
All I heard was you have
two homes,
and you're getting
a world-class education.
You complain you don't
get touched or fed enough
or touched or fed too much,
all while sitting here
on a soft log
with winter air in summer!
That's sitting on a couch
in air conditioning.
Must be nice.
Bravo.
Oh, I like your vim and vigor.
Now, let me ask you something.
First response, best response.
Would you be my best man?
- What the hell, Shel?
- Well, that flew by.
That is how
you spice things up.
Whoo-whoo.
[giggles]
- Hey, man.
- What do you want, cat?
Oh, nothing, just, you know,
walking on the wild side,
- like you are.
- Yeah, but you're walking home.
The streets are my home.
Oh, you think I'm not tough?
I ate my brother in the womb.
- Who didn't?
- Uh, my brother.
Listen, you want to go?
Okay, buddy. Let's dance.
[both hiss]
[grunts weakly]
- [scoffs] Lame.
- [shouts]
Oh, my God.
Look, that disgusting raccoon
is attacking that cute kitty.
Come here, sweet guy.
I'm rescuing you.
What?
No, no, no, no.
I'm the wild one.
I'm attacking him.
[chuckles]
- Activate the phone tree.
- Don't make me call Linda.
This is bigger than that
thing with you and Linda.
[cell phone ringing]
- Hello, Jeanie.
- Don't start.
Denise found a gray male
on the street being mauled
by a disgusting raccoon.
I'm on it.
Barbara, it's Linda.
Pam, Barbara.
- Garrett, it's Pam. Listen
- Alex, It's Garrett. He's male.
Fran, I would take him,
but Pam says you have a slot.
Did Pam say I had a slot?
I do not have a slot.
Maybe I could take one more.
Is he hurt? Is he cute?
How hurt and cute is he?
No, Fran. That's enough!
I want our life back.
I miss our showers.
No, this is a mistake!
I belong to the streets.
[chuckles]
[car door closes]
Tell my story!
Who says wild beasts and pets
can't coexist, huh?
Prejudiced, small-minded
animals, that's who.
Me?
I'm collar blind.
Um, actually, collar blindness
is a counterproductive ideology.
God, I wish I could hold a pen.
I could write a book about this.
- I know what this is really about.
- What?
Just because I don't
fertilize eggs inside my body
doesn't mean
I can't do girl talk.
No, I'm just trying to shake
the group out of their rut.
I'd like to shake something
into my rut.
That's not girl talk.
That's not what your mom
said last night.
[chuckles]
All right, we're finished here.
Is it wet in here, or is it just me?
- Hey.
- Nothing.
Oh, great.
I'm gonna go get in some steps.
And I'll be here
acting totally normal.
Phew. That was close.
She's gone.
Now eat me already.
I really don't think I should.
I'm just saying I still
taste a little bit like foot.
[whining]
[imitates whining]
Ugh, that's what you sound
like right now.
Ugh!
I can catch a bird.
I am not 'fraid of little blood.
I am from tigers.
Other animals
tremble in fear as I pass.
I am queen of jungle.
I am predator.
I am like
[growling weakly]
[birds chirping]
My prey is in sight.
I am crouching.
I'm stalking.
I am stealth.
[grunts]
I climb with all the
[grunts]
strength of all my
[grunting]
ancestors and the
enemies that they have
slaughtered.
[grunts]
[panting]
[grunting]
Oh, no, a cat!
- Mom, it wants to eat me!
- Work it out!
You have any last words, bird?
Cheep-cheep?
[chuckles evilly]
It's getting so close.
What am I gonna do?
If only my wings could create
downward air pressure and
Oh, yeah.
Bye!
[grunting]
I just humiliated you,
and I don't even know
- how to chew my own food yet.
- [yowls]
- Or control my bowels.
- Ugh.
[baby babbling]
Keep moving, Pug.
Cat adoption. No fee, no
application, no home check.
Just take a cat.
Elsa?
Hey!
Elsa! Help.
The Gray One?
Is that you?
Why are you dressed
like the ghost of an orphan?
And what is in your eye?
It's a marble. Fran's
husband is a glass blower.
Pipe maker it doesn't matter.
You gotta get me out of here.
Pickles, who are you
talking to?
Call me Pickles one more
time, and I my eye.
What are you doing in there?
Raccoon and I were really
going at it in the street.
The next thing you know,
I'm getting rescued.
I've been through hell.
They bathed me.
- They trimmed my crusties.
- Oh, The Gray One.
I have to go! I'm working!
They took my worms!
Oh, well, we seem to have
a little more space today.
- Don't mind if I do.
- [chuckling] Uh-huh.
Anybody seen
The Gray One or Tabitha? No?
Okay, well, let's I mean,
I hope they're okay.
I guess we should
just start, right?
- Yeah.
- Guys. I saw The Oh.
Today is the day you start on time.
That's interesting,
but I saw The Gray One on Tiny
Fruit and Toothpick Street.
- Is he okay?
- No, he's not okay.
- Is he, Raccoon?
- What? How should I know?
- Because you were fighting.
- We were not fighting.
I was attacking him
to make a point,
and then
the no-hair-bear took him.
A human took him?
Why didn't you tell us?
Raccoon, this group is like a family
a pack or in your case, a gaze.
Yes, yes, I learned the word
for a group of raccoons.
Only non-raccoons use that word.
Here we care for each other.
We take care of each other so
- that we can live better lives.
- Come on, poodle.
Life is just eat, sleep,
try to make more animals
by putting the thing
in the soft place.
Soft place?
Ugh.
And that's it.
Every animal for themselves.
You're only acting like this
because you aren't used
to being cared for.
We care for you.
I don't.
I just want to watch you drink
my filthy bowl water off the floor.
- Bubbles!
- Glug-glug, bitch.
You don't care about me.
You want to tame me.
I'm just a test run
for another wild animal.
[gasps]
I-I have I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Yeah, I know your type
bored house pet, restless.
You seemed real disappointed
the other night when you saw me.
- Who were you hoping to see?
- Power vacuum. Okay.
It's time to shine.
[grunts] That's enough.
I think it's time you leave.
Yep, I think you've overstayed
your welcome, friend.
A real Scotty Caan move.
- I said get out!
- Okay.
I'll show myself
to the extra-tiny glass door.
- Window.
- [smooches]
Ugh.
Pew, pew, pew, pew.
[exhaling sharply]
I cannot wait to hear
his best-man speech.
I'm not ready to go.
There is still so much
I have not done
like catch the little red light
that dances on the floor
and on the walls sometimes.
You win, little red light.
You win.
[siren wails]
[gasps]
Red light, you are here?
[grunting]
Oh, my God.
- You're beautiful.
- [meows]
Hey, Devon,
you gotta get up here.
- She is exquisite.
- Saving creatures this gorgeous
makes the risks
of our job worthwhile.
These two strippers love me.
- Come on, bitch.
- [gasps]
- Get in the thing.
- [gasps]
Ah, wet food.
Catch me, Daddy Stelios.
[purrs]
[whining]
Sock, sock, so delicious ♪
Oh, no, no consequences ♪
Eat a sock ♪
Well, I tried.
The Gray One, we're so glad
to have you back.
- How did you finally get home?
- They put me up for adoption.
Folks, our stray of day
today is Pickles.
- Uh, he's a male
- [screeching]
Cat Pickles, no! Stop!
Come here.
- Ah! Oh, damn it!
- I want that one.
Doesn't she know
that's The Gray One?
Other cats,
we got to save that cat.
- It's a cat.
- She does not.
Ah, yeah. I think I'll be
unpacking this one for a while.
I'm sure you all notice
my absence, but I am fine.
- No more questions.
- Listen, I want to apologize
to all of you
for bringing in the Raccoon.
I was just hoping to push us
out of our comfort zones
me especially.
You did teach us a valuable
lesson about not trusting raccoons.
Or therapists.
Am I right?
She's terrible.
Uh, wedding update
Lindsay's cousin
got donated to Goodwill.
So, if anyone's interested
in the maid-of-honor posish
And we're back.
[thunder booms]
[snoring]
So, if I get the bundle,
you guys will throw
in the landline for free.
[door opens]
Huh?
[dramatic music]
Raccoon, what are what
what what are you doing here?
Are you okay?
[sobbing]
No, no, I'm not okay.
I'm so sorry about earlier.
I know you were only trying to help.
I just mess things up
for myself all the time.
I am just so scared
of no-hair-bear
I mean humans?
Is that right?
Yes, it is.
And I understand.
I'm trying, you know.
I really am.
It's just I never knew my dad!
Yes, it's okay, Raccoon.
I knew I was reaching you.
You know our environment
does so much
to determine
[thunder booms]
That's Jill's.
Sorry, poodle, I'm tired
of waiting for the bones.
It's time for Raccoon
to get the meat.
Wait a minute.
You never wanted my help at all.
You just wanted the chicken.
That's why you unlatched
the tiny glass door window!
Get away from Jill's
free-range rotisserie chicken!
Ah!
[grunting]
[growling, barking]
[raccoons chittering]
[growling]
- Go ahead.
- [growling]
Go on, do it.
Taste blood for the first time
in your life.
[growling]
[thunder booms]
No.
No, you and your creepy
little hands aren't worth it.
I can't believe I thought
you had anything to give.
All you do is take.
You think you're wild,
but you're actually the most
dependent animal I've ever met.
Get out of my house
after you put the chicken back.
[grunting]
Later, dog.
[sighs]
[sniffing]
I smell chicken.
What happened?
- Chief, we can't eat chicken.
- [groans] Okay.
Wait.
Oh, man.
Okay.
Going wild, huh?
[chuckles]
A little.
- Oh, my God, this is amazing.
- Delicious.
Well, you deserve it
for not eating that sock.
Yeah, that was tough.
- Chief.
- Yeah?
- You're handsome.
- Yo, yo, yo, yo. Where my gaze at?
Oh, unbelievable.
It happens every time.
"Oh, there won't be
any dogs there, we swear."
Well, joke's on me, right?
Anyway, I won't take up
any more of your time.
You two seem like a lovely couple.
- I could help him.
- No.
[laidback music]
♪
Ah, just give him a little meat.
- [sniffs]
- Hey.
Uh, I think
that was meant for me.
Pretty sure it was meant for me.
No, no.
See, we had a whole thing.
And then she said
a lot of hurtful things and
Okay, you eat the chicken,
and then I'll eat you.
Either way,
I'm eating the chicken.
Pew.
Let's get this party started!
Again? Really?
Gah, my friends need to learn
how to communicate better.
Why am I saddling you
with my problems?
You're out here
enjoying the evening.
[laughs] I don't want to bring
you down with my drama.