How Do You Want Me? (1998) s01e03 Episode Script
Monstrous
âÂ" (Cock crowing) âÂ" (Ian ) Shut upI You know what you need to do to be accepted in this village? What? Publicly kill a member of the Labour Party? âÂ" Pee on a hunt saboteur, maybe? âÂ" No, no, join a society, meet a few people.
You like the theatre.
Why don't you join the Snowle Players? âÂ" What are they up to next? âÂ" The Wizard Of Oz.
âÂ" Can I be Dorothy? âÂ" No, Sandra Woods plays the leads.
âÂ" Stuff 'em, then.
âÂ" There's the historical society.
All right, then, what about sport? We could both join the tennis club.
Wouldn't we be expected to have sex with other couples? Yeah.
I'm sure you'd take that in your stride.
âÂ" Hey, talking of which.
âÂ" What? What? Ian, no.
No.
The first argument we'd have, you'd send them in to Readers' Wives.
No, this'll be artistic.
My Helmut Newton stuff.
âÂ" Didn't I have enough helmet last night? âÂ" Oh, Lisa, Jesus! What? Girls are allowed to say rude things too.
âÂ" What is wrong with this bloody thing? âÂ" The lens cap.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" All right, then.
OK.
0h, good.
Haughty! Control! Mmm, yes, a woman in control who just happens to be holding her breasts.
For recreation or whatever.
Good.
Football.
You love football.
Dean's the captain of the second eleven.
Why don't you ask him if you can join? Because, you know, I'm shy and he's congenitally insane.
That's why.
OK, now Get ready, this is the big one.
Hang on, wait.
(Bleeping) Evening.
Hi.
Erm Could I have a pint ofOld Dog, please? âÂ" Erm Bad Dog? âÂ" Dead Dog? Dead Dog, that's the one! I'll have a pint of Dead Dog, please.
âÂ" Ian! You all right, mate? âÂ" Hello.
Oh, excuse me.
Sorry.
âÂ" I thought I'd find you here.
âÂ" Yeah, it's a bit of a second home for me.
Just as well I've got two.
The other one's a pile of shit, it really is.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" So, did you want to see me about anything? âÂ" No, no.
âÂ" No? Listen, Lisa was saying that you're not a pub bloke.
No, I'm not, really.
No.
In a funny way, I can see what you mean.
What do you mean, you do? What do you mean? âÂ" I mean you do.
âÂ" Are you saying I'm that wanker? âÂ" No.
I mean âÂ" Is that what you're saying? No, I mean, that happens, you know, to people.
I'm kidding.
It was just a joke.
Mate, chill out.
Know what I mean? So, listen, right.
I heard my dad offered you ã20,000 to leave the village.
Yes.
Yep, he did.
He's a top bloke, my dad, in't he? Old Dad, yes, totally top.
What about old Arsenal at the weekend, then? Yeah.
Uh, newsflash, Ian.
I don't give a flaming toss about Arsenal.
âÂ" But you are captain of the football team? âÂ" Yeah.
So what? âÂ" What sort of people play in the team? âÂ" All sorts of people.
Not too keen on butchers.
I used to play, until fairly recently.
uite quick, actually.
I wouldn't mind getting back into it sometime.
Can I play? Please.
Look, I tell you what.
I'll give you a trial if you do us some free team photos.
âÂ" Oh, no, Dean, don't do that.
âÂ" Come on.
Loosen up, mate.
Loosen up.
Oh, shit.
Listen, I need 50p.
Have you got a quid? (Riotous shouting) You will go on my first whistle! (All cheering rowdily) Stop it! How about if I slip on a jersey and slip in as goalkeeper? You don't have a keeper.
Hmm? You don't have a Oh, all right.
Erm What's your record like this season? Oh, right, yeah.
Six sendings off, 11 bookings.
(All) Yes! âÂ" We've made the ref cry twice.
âÂ" No, three times, actually.
Twice in the same match.
Partridge Green.
âÂ" Partridge Green.
âÂ" Shut up.
That's nice.
And what about winning and losing and all that? Well, I don't knowyou knowstuff.
Stuff.
âÂ" Who's next week's match against? âÂ" Penfold.
Down the road.
(All) Wahay! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We are the Penfold haters! Yeah! RightyâÂ"o.
How do you feel about Penfold? âÂ" Well, we hate 'em.
âÂ" Shut up, Bruce.
Aren't you supposed to try and crack us up? Yeah.
Go on.
I'm one of the new wave.
I think if you look like a grim bastard that's how you should come out.
Shame it's a nancy boy's job.
Hands up everyone who thinks Gavin's uncomfortable with his sexuality.
âÂ" Both hands! âÂ" I am not! Right, OK, do one with me arsehole hanging out.
(Cheering) Can you give me a shout, Dean? It's kind of getting lost in the crowd.
Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! I think that ought to do it.
âÂ" Hey, what's this? âÂ" No, it's for the customers.
Got a can opener? At least we've got one fan! Oi! Over exposure! Nurse! Argh! (Mouthing) (Ian ) Who did this? (Cock crowing) Shut up! âÂ" Who did this? âÂ" I don't know.
You must have left them lying around in the studio.
The studio's where I work.
It's my work.
âÂ" If you didn't antagonise everyone in the âÂ" (Knock at door) âÂ" I don't! âÂ" Hello? âÂ" Afternoon, Lisa.
Can I have a word? âÂ" Oh, yeah.
Hi, Peter, come in.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hello, Columbo.
My attention's been drawn to some nudie photographs which have been found pinned up around the village.
âÂ" Oh, I see you've got some.
âÂ" Yes, we've got some.
Am I right in saying that these photographs are of yourselves? No, no, this is Tiffany, Lisa's identical twin sister, posing with my identical twin, Neil, for the Identical Twins Garage Calendar, 1998.
âÂ" Of course it's us! âÂ" Did you take the photographs? Yes, I'm a photographer, photographs, photography.
Although opinions on that do seem to vary somewhat within the village.
You do realise that it is an offence to openly display images of a pornographic nature for publicity purposes? Do you know, these weren't originally for publicity? If I'd wanted publicity, I'd have taken a picture of a cat.
This is us at home.
They're stolen.
âÂ" Really? âÂ" I want an investigation into who's behind it.
Why? Bit of fun.
Someone has put my wife on public display.
Maybe you should worry about yourself, sir.
In many ways, your wife seems to come out of these rather well.
Thanks, but that's not really the point.
These are particularly embarrassing for Ian.
Yeah What? Why? Look, are you going to investigate or not? No, sir.
I might take one of these away, if I may.
I haven't got this one.
Go and give a cat a parking ticket.
Go on, shoo! It's obviously one of the football team.
It could be.
It could be anybody.
People come in and pick over things.
Your family.
Your dad would love this.
My dad would like pictures of me posted round the village with my tits out? Your tits are the price he's prepared to pay for my cock.
âÂ" (Cock crowing) âÂ" Shut up! âÂ" This is so embarrassing.
âÂ" Is this the biscuit tin, Lisa? Why does Tom hate Jerry? Oh, I don't think he actually hates him.
âÂ" He put him in a fire.
âÂ" Ah, but he survived, didn't he? âÂ" Only just.
âÂ" It's only a cartoon, you know.
My daddy's got a picture of you with no clothes on.
âÂ" What? âÂ" He found it on a tree.
I don't know.
Run along and play.
âÂ" Miss! Miss! Can I have your autograph? âÂ" No! Oh! Hi.
Hi, Penfold Repro, yeah? Have you had a big print order recently? 200.
No? That's fine.
Good morning.
The Snap Shop.
200, all 10x8s? No? OK, yeah.
They're portraits, yeah.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Greensleeves? Good.
(Humming Greensleeves ) No? OK.
Oh, the chorus again? They're full length, and they're quite sort ofyou know.
No? OK.
Thanks.
Bye.
It's a pastiche of the famous John and Yoko thing, you know? Bottom shots, yeah.
They're naked, yeah.
Yeah, totally naked.
As in no clothes.
Yeah, they've got no clothes on.
Yes, you can see nearly all of Yes, you can.
You can see quite a lot of Did you print these or not? No, OK, well, I'm glad I broke up your afternoon.
ByeâÂ"bye.
Weird, provincial, tweedâÂ"chewing freaks! Have you seen the old man at a quarter past three âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hi.
I found some more in the scout hut.
âÂ" I really like the top one.
âÂ" Thank you.
Get out.
Goodbye.
Do sit down.
One or two parents have rung me to express concern about some photographs.
I know.
It's very embarrassing.
Yes.
There seems to be a lively trade in them.
I gather one in good condition already goes for ã8.
50.
I grew up here.
I am very aware of petty village scandalmongering.
It sends out the wrong message to the children, don't you agree? Yes, I do.
Myself and my husband are trying to track down the culprit.
There are issues of private morality and public responsibility here.
Being a teacher is like beinga queen or a pope.
Virtue must always be displayed in exaggerated form.
Sorry, I seem to have mislaid my NUT leaflet on behaving like a pope.
So you don't accept any responsibility for allowing these photographs to be taken? No.
I mean, that would be like accepting responsibility for being mugged.
No, no, no.
I would equate it with leaving one's flies open.
The cause may or may not be innocent, but the effect can, nonetheless, be monstrous.
These photographs are not monstrous.
In fact, they're rather beautiful.
Perhaps you'll mention that to Mrs Mumford at the next parentâÂ"teacher evening.
I gather there are four photographs in circulation.
I've confiscated three.
May I see the fourth? No.
I don't carry copies with me.
Well, in your own time.
(Man ) Back pass, back pass.
Faster! Go on, then.
Pass.
Which one of you inbred, shitâÂ"kicker bastards Oi, Ian, what are you looking at? Over here! Go and do your exercise.
âÂ" Hey, Tim.
âÂ" Ian.
It's Ian.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Shut up, Bruce.
âÂ" OK, everybody gather round! âÂ" Who's this? It's Ian! Hey, Ian, I've got a film to finish off.
Can I borrow your wife? Right, then.
I'm very pleased to announce that Ian is going to be in the team on Saturday, againstPenfold.
(All) Whooooaah! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We are the Penfold haters! âÂ" Congratulations.
âÂ" Congratulations! Right, then.
Now, as a new member of the team, you have to go through the seven rituals.
Oh, don't worry.
It'll be fine.
Night.
OK, right, Spender in goal.
Sweeper, Tosh Lines.
No, Taggart.
Taggart, yeah? Taggart.
âÂ" OK, OK, Taggart.
Wing backs âÂ" Regan and Carter.
âÂ" Yeah, yeah.
âÂ" Strong, like.
Yeah.
Midfield, Pascoe, Wycliffe âÂ" No, no, no, he can't handle the pace.
âÂ" He can, he can.
No, no, to be fair, Phil, he can't.
But pace doesn't matter, does it? In midfield you need a motivator.
OK, then.
Morse.
You can't have Morse and Regan, cos they're the same person.
Erm âÂ" Irn Bru.
âÂ" Who? Ironside? âÂ" He's shit.
And he's in a wheelchair, so how âÂ" He's got no legs.
âÂ" Stupid! And he's American.
âÂ" So? Bodie.
âÂ" Yeah, Bodie'd be good.
He'd be hard.
âÂ" Well hard.
âÂ" Charlie's Angels.
âÂ" All three of them.
âÂ" Hi, Geoff.
âÂ" Lisa.
I've come to rescue Ian.
Hello.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" Erm He's not here, Lisa.
I think he might be getting some more practice in.
Oh.
OK, thank you.
âÂ" Evening.
âÂ" Good evening.
âÂ" They have these rituals.
It's a guy thing.
âÂ" UhâÂ"huh.
Oh, I'm sorry, love.
Do you want me to, you know, let you down? No, no, it's all right.
I thought I'd stay here, maybe catch up with some paperwork.
(Squelch) Oops.
Ooh! What other rituals were there? Oh, you don't want to know, really.
The shin pad dance, pulling the firstâÂ"aid kit along with your intimate parts.
âÂ" Blessing the mud, drinking your own urine âÂ" Thank you.
I don't need to know any more.
âÂ" So, I'm in the team for Saturday.
âÂ" Oh, that's great.
It's very important that we beat Penfold.
They've been well out of order, apparently.
You do know they made them up, though, don't you? What? The rituals.
They invented them for your benefit.
Ian? Oi! All right, Ian? Shutting the stable door? âÂ" One of my rituals, you know? âÂ" Oh, yes? You know, before I put some monochrome tint on my genitals, my already rather highâÂ"profile genitals.
Shit lock.
Sorry about that.
Didn't want to disappoint you.
You've got this idea of us being crazy farmhands.
That's a load of old shite, Dean, isn't it? Look, mate, the thing is, right? Think of it this way.
You've had, what, two or three hours of feeling stupid? But, for the rest of your life you'll have a story to tell.
âÂ" Why would I want to do that? âÂ" You will, you will.
You should thank me.
You see, there's this ageâÂ"old need for anecdotes and stuff.
And some of us reckon it's up to us to make life a bit more interesting.
âÂ" (Clearing throat) This might interest you.
âÂ" Yeah? Why don't I pick up that chair you're sitting on and hit you very hard across the head with it? Then you can tell that story for the rest of your life.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" No, that's not the point.
âÂ" No, hit me with the chair.
That'd be good.
âÂ" I don't want to.
âÂ" I'll do it, then.
âÂ" Stop it, will you? Oh, stop it! Oh, I've upset Ian.
Look, Ian, mate.
Ian.
I don't want to upset my brotherâÂ"inâÂ"law, right? âÂ" So I'll tell you who nicked your photos.
âÂ" Who? âÂ" Go on, hit me with the chair.
âÂ" Shut up, Dean.
Who? Philip.
Philip with the headband.
Philip.
Why? Cos he's a psycho and he hates you.
Oh.
âÂ" Thanks.
âÂ" It's all right.
I feel shit now.
Here.
âÂ" What's this? âÂ" Your shirt for the match tomorrow.
All set? âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Cool.
And listen.
Loosen up a bit, Ian.
You're all tense.
Bastard.
Perfect.
OK, Philip, let's meet the people.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hey! âÂ" Present.
Look at that.
âÂ" Eugh! âÂ" Get a load of that.
âÂ" A disgusting picture with Philip Harker's head.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Mmm, it's a great present.
âÂ" There's hundreds all over the village.
âÂ" Well done.
Why? He did it.
He stole the negs, you know, the negatives.
Yeah, I know what negs means.
There is this amazing one by the post office.
It's so funny because of the way He didn't do it, actually.
âÂ" Yeah, he did.
âÂ" He didn't.
âÂ" Of course he did.
âÂ" He didn't.
Dean did it.
Huh? Dean put up the photos.
A couple of people saw him do it.
âÂ" They're lying.
âÂ" And I asked him and he admitted it.
(Ian screaming) Bollocks! Bollocks! âÂ" Are you joking? You've very calm.
âÂ" I'm on stage three.
I've been through blind rage and vengeance.
I'm on resignation now.
âÂ" What a total bastard! âÂ" Yeah, I know.
âÂ" So that just leaves Philip, then.
âÂ" Mm.
Right.
And he's violent, isn't he? âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Yes, he is.
We know he is.
What does he do? Some weird kind of He drives a bulldozer.
That's it.
Yeah, good, fine.
Fine.
Listen, I know you wanted to go out but it's the wrong It's only Friday.
Nobody goes out on a Friday, and if we stayed in We've got enough clothes and there's some Petit Filous there.
If we I'd say we could (Cock crowing) (Bolts being drawn ) Ian, Ian, I can't hear you.
You're breaking up.
It's like Norman Collier.
What? Well, where are you? âÂ" Where? âÂ" I'm on my way.
I'm on my way, OK? I had to go into Penfold to hire a car.
Yeah, listen.
I'm really sorry about last night, yeah? It all got a bit out of hand.
âÂ" I'll buy you a few drinks, yeah? âÂ" No, no, forget about it.
There's no need.
Absolutely.
Whatever.
But I mean, this is a big match, Ian.
We haven't got a spare keeper and I don't want Will you relax, OK? I'm walking down the high street now.
I'll be there in a bit, OK? Bye.
Dean, where's the goalkeeper? Come on, lads! Come on! Brucie! Prick! Gavin.
Psycho! Oh, sorry, mate.
Aw, bless! Poof.
ByeâÂ"bye.
No, no.
Ian, no.
I so don't care about that.
Look, where the hell are you? I am on the phone.
Dean, it'll be fine.
I'm on my way.
I don't want to strain my ligaments, so I jumped into a cab, OK? I'll be there in a little bit.
Bye.
âÂ" OK, where shall we go? âÂ" Where's the nearest multiplex? âÂ" About 500 miles away.
âÂ" I hope they have those jelly bean counters.
(Clucking) (Crowing) Right, then.
Let's start.
Deano! They can paint the blackest picture of you They can hate everything that you do They can crush you under heel But nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real Nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real
You like the theatre.
Why don't you join the Snowle Players? âÂ" What are they up to next? âÂ" The Wizard Of Oz.
âÂ" Can I be Dorothy? âÂ" No, Sandra Woods plays the leads.
âÂ" Stuff 'em, then.
âÂ" There's the historical society.
All right, then, what about sport? We could both join the tennis club.
Wouldn't we be expected to have sex with other couples? Yeah.
I'm sure you'd take that in your stride.
âÂ" Hey, talking of which.
âÂ" What? What? Ian, no.
No.
The first argument we'd have, you'd send them in to Readers' Wives.
No, this'll be artistic.
My Helmut Newton stuff.
âÂ" Didn't I have enough helmet last night? âÂ" Oh, Lisa, Jesus! What? Girls are allowed to say rude things too.
âÂ" What is wrong with this bloody thing? âÂ" The lens cap.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" All right, then.
OK.
0h, good.
Haughty! Control! Mmm, yes, a woman in control who just happens to be holding her breasts.
For recreation or whatever.
Good.
Football.
You love football.
Dean's the captain of the second eleven.
Why don't you ask him if you can join? Because, you know, I'm shy and he's congenitally insane.
That's why.
OK, now Get ready, this is the big one.
Hang on, wait.
(Bleeping) Evening.
Hi.
Erm Could I have a pint ofOld Dog, please? âÂ" Erm Bad Dog? âÂ" Dead Dog? Dead Dog, that's the one! I'll have a pint of Dead Dog, please.
âÂ" Ian! You all right, mate? âÂ" Hello.
Oh, excuse me.
Sorry.
âÂ" I thought I'd find you here.
âÂ" Yeah, it's a bit of a second home for me.
Just as well I've got two.
The other one's a pile of shit, it really is.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" So, did you want to see me about anything? âÂ" No, no.
âÂ" No? Listen, Lisa was saying that you're not a pub bloke.
No, I'm not, really.
No.
In a funny way, I can see what you mean.
What do you mean, you do? What do you mean? âÂ" I mean you do.
âÂ" Are you saying I'm that wanker? âÂ" No.
I mean âÂ" Is that what you're saying? No, I mean, that happens, you know, to people.
I'm kidding.
It was just a joke.
Mate, chill out.
Know what I mean? So, listen, right.
I heard my dad offered you ã20,000 to leave the village.
Yes.
Yep, he did.
He's a top bloke, my dad, in't he? Old Dad, yes, totally top.
What about old Arsenal at the weekend, then? Yeah.
Uh, newsflash, Ian.
I don't give a flaming toss about Arsenal.
âÂ" But you are captain of the football team? âÂ" Yeah.
So what? âÂ" What sort of people play in the team? âÂ" All sorts of people.
Not too keen on butchers.
I used to play, until fairly recently.
uite quick, actually.
I wouldn't mind getting back into it sometime.
Can I play? Please.
Look, I tell you what.
I'll give you a trial if you do us some free team photos.
âÂ" Oh, no, Dean, don't do that.
âÂ" Come on.
Loosen up, mate.
Loosen up.
Oh, shit.
Listen, I need 50p.
Have you got a quid? (Riotous shouting) You will go on my first whistle! (All cheering rowdily) Stop it! How about if I slip on a jersey and slip in as goalkeeper? You don't have a keeper.
Hmm? You don't have a Oh, all right.
Erm What's your record like this season? Oh, right, yeah.
Six sendings off, 11 bookings.
(All) Yes! âÂ" We've made the ref cry twice.
âÂ" No, three times, actually.
Twice in the same match.
Partridge Green.
âÂ" Partridge Green.
âÂ" Shut up.
That's nice.
And what about winning and losing and all that? Well, I don't knowyou knowstuff.
Stuff.
âÂ" Who's next week's match against? âÂ" Penfold.
Down the road.
(All) Wahay! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We are the Penfold haters! Yeah! RightyâÂ"o.
How do you feel about Penfold? âÂ" Well, we hate 'em.
âÂ" Shut up, Bruce.
Aren't you supposed to try and crack us up? Yeah.
Go on.
I'm one of the new wave.
I think if you look like a grim bastard that's how you should come out.
Shame it's a nancy boy's job.
Hands up everyone who thinks Gavin's uncomfortable with his sexuality.
âÂ" Both hands! âÂ" I am not! Right, OK, do one with me arsehole hanging out.
(Cheering) Can you give me a shout, Dean? It's kind of getting lost in the crowd.
Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! I think that ought to do it.
âÂ" Hey, what's this? âÂ" No, it's for the customers.
Got a can opener? At least we've got one fan! Oi! Over exposure! Nurse! Argh! (Mouthing) (Ian ) Who did this? (Cock crowing) Shut up! âÂ" Who did this? âÂ" I don't know.
You must have left them lying around in the studio.
The studio's where I work.
It's my work.
âÂ" If you didn't antagonise everyone in the âÂ" (Knock at door) âÂ" I don't! âÂ" Hello? âÂ" Afternoon, Lisa.
Can I have a word? âÂ" Oh, yeah.
Hi, Peter, come in.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hello, Columbo.
My attention's been drawn to some nudie photographs which have been found pinned up around the village.
âÂ" Oh, I see you've got some.
âÂ" Yes, we've got some.
Am I right in saying that these photographs are of yourselves? No, no, this is Tiffany, Lisa's identical twin sister, posing with my identical twin, Neil, for the Identical Twins Garage Calendar, 1998.
âÂ" Of course it's us! âÂ" Did you take the photographs? Yes, I'm a photographer, photographs, photography.
Although opinions on that do seem to vary somewhat within the village.
You do realise that it is an offence to openly display images of a pornographic nature for publicity purposes? Do you know, these weren't originally for publicity? If I'd wanted publicity, I'd have taken a picture of a cat.
This is us at home.
They're stolen.
âÂ" Really? âÂ" I want an investigation into who's behind it.
Why? Bit of fun.
Someone has put my wife on public display.
Maybe you should worry about yourself, sir.
In many ways, your wife seems to come out of these rather well.
Thanks, but that's not really the point.
These are particularly embarrassing for Ian.
Yeah What? Why? Look, are you going to investigate or not? No, sir.
I might take one of these away, if I may.
I haven't got this one.
Go and give a cat a parking ticket.
Go on, shoo! It's obviously one of the football team.
It could be.
It could be anybody.
People come in and pick over things.
Your family.
Your dad would love this.
My dad would like pictures of me posted round the village with my tits out? Your tits are the price he's prepared to pay for my cock.
âÂ" (Cock crowing) âÂ" Shut up! âÂ" This is so embarrassing.
âÂ" Is this the biscuit tin, Lisa? Why does Tom hate Jerry? Oh, I don't think he actually hates him.
âÂ" He put him in a fire.
âÂ" Ah, but he survived, didn't he? âÂ" Only just.
âÂ" It's only a cartoon, you know.
My daddy's got a picture of you with no clothes on.
âÂ" What? âÂ" He found it on a tree.
I don't know.
Run along and play.
âÂ" Miss! Miss! Can I have your autograph? âÂ" No! Oh! Hi.
Hi, Penfold Repro, yeah? Have you had a big print order recently? 200.
No? That's fine.
Good morning.
The Snap Shop.
200, all 10x8s? No? OK, yeah.
They're portraits, yeah.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Greensleeves? Good.
(Humming Greensleeves ) No? OK.
Oh, the chorus again? They're full length, and they're quite sort ofyou know.
No? OK.
Thanks.
Bye.
It's a pastiche of the famous John and Yoko thing, you know? Bottom shots, yeah.
They're naked, yeah.
Yeah, totally naked.
As in no clothes.
Yeah, they've got no clothes on.
Yes, you can see nearly all of Yes, you can.
You can see quite a lot of Did you print these or not? No, OK, well, I'm glad I broke up your afternoon.
ByeâÂ"bye.
Weird, provincial, tweedâÂ"chewing freaks! Have you seen the old man at a quarter past three âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hi.
I found some more in the scout hut.
âÂ" I really like the top one.
âÂ" Thank you.
Get out.
Goodbye.
Do sit down.
One or two parents have rung me to express concern about some photographs.
I know.
It's very embarrassing.
Yes.
There seems to be a lively trade in them.
I gather one in good condition already goes for ã8.
50.
I grew up here.
I am very aware of petty village scandalmongering.
It sends out the wrong message to the children, don't you agree? Yes, I do.
Myself and my husband are trying to track down the culprit.
There are issues of private morality and public responsibility here.
Being a teacher is like beinga queen or a pope.
Virtue must always be displayed in exaggerated form.
Sorry, I seem to have mislaid my NUT leaflet on behaving like a pope.
So you don't accept any responsibility for allowing these photographs to be taken? No.
I mean, that would be like accepting responsibility for being mugged.
No, no, no.
I would equate it with leaving one's flies open.
The cause may or may not be innocent, but the effect can, nonetheless, be monstrous.
These photographs are not monstrous.
In fact, they're rather beautiful.
Perhaps you'll mention that to Mrs Mumford at the next parentâÂ"teacher evening.
I gather there are four photographs in circulation.
I've confiscated three.
May I see the fourth? No.
I don't carry copies with me.
Well, in your own time.
(Man ) Back pass, back pass.
Faster! Go on, then.
Pass.
Which one of you inbred, shitâÂ"kicker bastards Oi, Ian, what are you looking at? Over here! Go and do your exercise.
âÂ" Hey, Tim.
âÂ" Ian.
It's Ian.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Shut up, Bruce.
âÂ" OK, everybody gather round! âÂ" Who's this? It's Ian! Hey, Ian, I've got a film to finish off.
Can I borrow your wife? Right, then.
I'm very pleased to announce that Ian is going to be in the team on Saturday, againstPenfold.
(All) Whooooaah! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We hate Penfold and we hate Penfold! We are the Penfold haters! âÂ" Congratulations.
âÂ" Congratulations! Right, then.
Now, as a new member of the team, you have to go through the seven rituals.
Oh, don't worry.
It'll be fine.
Night.
OK, right, Spender in goal.
Sweeper, Tosh Lines.
No, Taggart.
Taggart, yeah? Taggart.
âÂ" OK, OK, Taggart.
Wing backs âÂ" Regan and Carter.
âÂ" Yeah, yeah.
âÂ" Strong, like.
Yeah.
Midfield, Pascoe, Wycliffe âÂ" No, no, no, he can't handle the pace.
âÂ" He can, he can.
No, no, to be fair, Phil, he can't.
But pace doesn't matter, does it? In midfield you need a motivator.
OK, then.
Morse.
You can't have Morse and Regan, cos they're the same person.
Erm âÂ" Irn Bru.
âÂ" Who? Ironside? âÂ" He's shit.
And he's in a wheelchair, so how âÂ" He's got no legs.
âÂ" Stupid! And he's American.
âÂ" So? Bodie.
âÂ" Yeah, Bodie'd be good.
He'd be hard.
âÂ" Well hard.
âÂ" Charlie's Angels.
âÂ" All three of them.
âÂ" Hi, Geoff.
âÂ" Lisa.
I've come to rescue Ian.
Hello.
âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" Erm He's not here, Lisa.
I think he might be getting some more practice in.
Oh.
OK, thank you.
âÂ" Evening.
âÂ" Good evening.
âÂ" They have these rituals.
It's a guy thing.
âÂ" UhâÂ"huh.
Oh, I'm sorry, love.
Do you want me to, you know, let you down? No, no, it's all right.
I thought I'd stay here, maybe catch up with some paperwork.
(Squelch) Oops.
Ooh! What other rituals were there? Oh, you don't want to know, really.
The shin pad dance, pulling the firstâÂ"aid kit along with your intimate parts.
âÂ" Blessing the mud, drinking your own urine âÂ" Thank you.
I don't need to know any more.
âÂ" So, I'm in the team for Saturday.
âÂ" Oh, that's great.
It's very important that we beat Penfold.
They've been well out of order, apparently.
You do know they made them up, though, don't you? What? The rituals.
They invented them for your benefit.
Ian? Oi! All right, Ian? Shutting the stable door? âÂ" One of my rituals, you know? âÂ" Oh, yes? You know, before I put some monochrome tint on my genitals, my already rather highâÂ"profile genitals.
Shit lock.
Sorry about that.
Didn't want to disappoint you.
You've got this idea of us being crazy farmhands.
That's a load of old shite, Dean, isn't it? Look, mate, the thing is, right? Think of it this way.
You've had, what, two or three hours of feeling stupid? But, for the rest of your life you'll have a story to tell.
âÂ" Why would I want to do that? âÂ" You will, you will.
You should thank me.
You see, there's this ageâÂ"old need for anecdotes and stuff.
And some of us reckon it's up to us to make life a bit more interesting.
âÂ" (Clearing throat) This might interest you.
âÂ" Yeah? Why don't I pick up that chair you're sitting on and hit you very hard across the head with it? Then you can tell that story for the rest of your life.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" No, that's not the point.
âÂ" No, hit me with the chair.
That'd be good.
âÂ" I don't want to.
âÂ" I'll do it, then.
âÂ" Stop it, will you? Oh, stop it! Oh, I've upset Ian.
Look, Ian, mate.
Ian.
I don't want to upset my brotherâÂ"inâÂ"law, right? âÂ" So I'll tell you who nicked your photos.
âÂ" Who? âÂ" Go on, hit me with the chair.
âÂ" Shut up, Dean.
Who? Philip.
Philip with the headband.
Philip.
Why? Cos he's a psycho and he hates you.
Oh.
âÂ" Thanks.
âÂ" It's all right.
I feel shit now.
Here.
âÂ" What's this? âÂ" Your shirt for the match tomorrow.
All set? âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Cool.
And listen.
Loosen up a bit, Ian.
You're all tense.
Bastard.
Perfect.
OK, Philip, let's meet the people.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hey! âÂ" Present.
Look at that.
âÂ" Eugh! âÂ" Get a load of that.
âÂ" A disgusting picture with Philip Harker's head.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Mmm, it's a great present.
âÂ" There's hundreds all over the village.
âÂ" Well done.
Why? He did it.
He stole the negs, you know, the negatives.
Yeah, I know what negs means.
There is this amazing one by the post office.
It's so funny because of the way He didn't do it, actually.
âÂ" Yeah, he did.
âÂ" He didn't.
âÂ" Of course he did.
âÂ" He didn't.
Dean did it.
Huh? Dean put up the photos.
A couple of people saw him do it.
âÂ" They're lying.
âÂ" And I asked him and he admitted it.
(Ian screaming) Bollocks! Bollocks! âÂ" Are you joking? You've very calm.
âÂ" I'm on stage three.
I've been through blind rage and vengeance.
I'm on resignation now.
âÂ" What a total bastard! âÂ" Yeah, I know.
âÂ" So that just leaves Philip, then.
âÂ" Mm.
Right.
And he's violent, isn't he? âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Yes, he is.
We know he is.
What does he do? Some weird kind of He drives a bulldozer.
That's it.
Yeah, good, fine.
Fine.
Listen, I know you wanted to go out but it's the wrong It's only Friday.
Nobody goes out on a Friday, and if we stayed in We've got enough clothes and there's some Petit Filous there.
If we I'd say we could (Cock crowing) (Bolts being drawn ) Ian, Ian, I can't hear you.
You're breaking up.
It's like Norman Collier.
What? Well, where are you? âÂ" Where? âÂ" I'm on my way.
I'm on my way, OK? I had to go into Penfold to hire a car.
Yeah, listen.
I'm really sorry about last night, yeah? It all got a bit out of hand.
âÂ" I'll buy you a few drinks, yeah? âÂ" No, no, forget about it.
There's no need.
Absolutely.
Whatever.
But I mean, this is a big match, Ian.
We haven't got a spare keeper and I don't want Will you relax, OK? I'm walking down the high street now.
I'll be there in a bit, OK? Bye.
Dean, where's the goalkeeper? Come on, lads! Come on! Brucie! Prick! Gavin.
Psycho! Oh, sorry, mate.
Aw, bless! Poof.
ByeâÂ"bye.
No, no.
Ian, no.
I so don't care about that.
Look, where the hell are you? I am on the phone.
Dean, it'll be fine.
I'm on my way.
I don't want to strain my ligaments, so I jumped into a cab, OK? I'll be there in a little bit.
Bye.
âÂ" OK, where shall we go? âÂ" Where's the nearest multiplex? âÂ" About 500 miles away.
âÂ" I hope they have those jelly bean counters.
(Clucking) (Crowing) Right, then.
Let's start.
Deano! They can paint the blackest picture of you They can hate everything that you do They can crush you under heel But nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real Nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real