How to Be a Gentleman (2011) s01e03 Episode Script
How To Attend Your Ex Fiancee's Wedding
Previously on "How to be a Gentleman" Your "How To Be A Gentleman" column is just too tame.
I feel like my whole world is falling apart.
Oh, that's 'cause it is! Excuse me, Andrew Carlson? Yeah.
Dead arm! Bert Lansing from high school! This is my gym.
Bert's Body Shop.
No one cares about being a gentleman anymore.
You know everything about being a gentleman, but nothing about being a man.
Your ex-fiancee dumped you, ripped your heart out and left you doubting your manhood on a level so primal, you can't even see it.
Yeah, sure, fine.
You didn't just hire me to get your body in shape; you hired me to get your whole life in shape.
That means I got to be with you 24-7.
You can't be with me 24-7.
That would mean you'd have to move in.
Bingo.
Hey, look, farm-fresh kiwis.
That's the name of my a capella singing group back in New Zealand.
Andrew? Lauren! I thought that was you.
Hey.
Hey Hey! Hi.
Oh! Sorry.
That was a bit awkward? Sort of a hybrid kiss/hug.
Hi, Mike.
Nice to see you.
Hi.
I'm not very good in awkward situations.
I tend to blurt.
Last time I saw you, you were engaged to Andrew, and then you and then you weren't.
So what's, uh, new? Um, are you still dating Tom? Uh, well, Andrew, Tom and I got engaged.
Ooh I shouldn't have made that sound.
Wow.
That's, uh That's I'm hap hap Congratulations.
I sorry.
I was going to send you a wedding invitation, but I didn't know if that would be awkward.
No, not awkward at all.
Please, send me an invitation.
It was great seeing you.
This all happened three months ago? Why did it take you so long to write about it? It's an emotionally charged issue.
So, what do you think? If I could give you one tiny adjustment for this story: Instead of giving Lauren a smile, you have sex with her on a fruit cart.
Jerry, I write a manners column.
You know where the new management is coming from.
You see your column as "an honest portrayal of the human condition.
" They see it as just "words that keep the sex-pill ads from hitting each other.
" But we want an Internet presence.
Guys search the Internet for things like hot chicks, beer, ass, nachos and golf.
Make it about those things, and get it to me by Monday.
Oh, I can't.
I'm going camping with Bert this weekend.
Well, Andrew, I can't tell you how to do your job.
Wait a minute, I can.
I'm your boss.
You get a new ending, or I am gonna have to bump your column for this hard-hitting exposé.
"How to Drink Beer and Eat Nachos off a Hot Chick's Ass.
Golf.
" Yeah, Monday.
Hey.
What's up? Hey.
I'll take two boxes of thin mints.
This is my camping outfit.
I got all the supplies.
I got a tent, a portable stove, and something that's either a hat or a bathroom.
Hopefully not both.
We're not going camping.
What?! But I slept in my sleeping bag last night, just for practice.
That was just a smoke-screen so you'd keep the date open.
We're going to your ex-fiancee's wedding.
What?! No, I RSVP'd "no" to Lauren's wedding.
And then you left it on the counter.
And I opened it up and RSVP'd back "Yes plus one.
" I also got a kosher meal.
Why would you possibly do that? I don't know, I've never had kosher food; I'm curious.
No! Why would you open up my mail and change my response? Because you need to face your biggest fear.
My biggest fear is that my roommate-slash-trainer is going through my mail and spiders with human eyes.
No, I think your biggest fear is seeing Lauren with another man.
You haven't accepted that she's moved on, and that's keeping you from moving on.
That's why you avoid her.
You don't know that.
You've only lived here like a month.
I'm like a ninja looking over you.
Watching your every move.
I stare at you when you sleep.
That's worse than spiders with human eyes.
You hired me to turn your life around.
In order to do that, I need to get inside you.
Do you hear yourself when you speak? Look, so what if I avoid my ex-fiancee? That is a normal thing to do, Bert.
It's been over a year.
Look at the route you take to get to work just to avoid the possibility of seeing her.
You can get there in five minutes if you take a right.
But you always take a left so you avoid driving by her apartment.
You need closure.
You need to accept that she's moved on.
And the best way to do that is to see her get married.
I have totally accepted that she's moved on.
Have you? Yes.
Have you? Yes! Have you? No.
Hey, why are you at Mom's? I'm here for dinner, dumbass.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to get a little tan off the ray of sunshine that is you.
I also wanted to tell everyone that I decided to go to Lauren's wedding.
I thought Bert was taking you camping this weekend.
That was a smoke-screen to get me to keep the date open.
By the way, do you know anyone who could use a $60 toilet hat? Mike will take it.
Don't you think it's going to be hard for you to watch Lauren getting married? I mean, if it were me, I'd leave town.
What do you think, Janet? Will Lauren mind that she's not going home with the most handsome man at her wedding? Ooh, busted! You guys are going to the wedding?! I knew Lauren before you did.
I introduced you.
I thought you were going camping.
It was a smoke-screen.
Oh, clever.
Look, if you don't want us to go, we won't go.
But you should know, they're having a mashed potato bar.
Fine.
You can go.
I suppose there are weirder things than your sister attending your ex-fiancee's wedding.
Okay, now this one is more appropriate for a daytime wedding, but this one fits me better.
You're going to the wedding, too? No.
What wedding? He's going, too, Mom.
I thought you were going camping.
It was a smoke-screen.
We're all fooled.
Why are you going to Lauren's wedding? Lauren and I got to be close over the many, many years you dated; she's like the daughter I never had.
She says in front of the daughter she did have.
Honey, honey, you know what I mean.
Her own mother is a horrible snob.
And-and Lauren called and she personally asked me to be there.
But if you don't want me to go, it's not a big deal.
Does he know about the mashed potato bar? Quick pre-game before we go in? Bert, it's 11:00 in the morning.
No one wants to I will.
Here you go.
I'll take a nip.
I can't believe she's getting married.
We were together five years.
Not that I didn't have opportunities to stray.
I don't know if I ever told you guys this story, but Lauren's cousin Tabitha Not the Tabitha story.
I can't hear this again.
Oh, God.
Please, no.
It's a good story! Lauren's cousin Tabitha hit on me at Lauren's birthday party.
So that's the story? Not exactly Goodfellas.
No, it's a great story because it shows how committed I was to Lauren.
Ah, we were great together.
You ever meet someone and you just feel like, "I can fall into this woman and I will never see the light of day again"? Okay, okay, that's enough.
That's enough.
That's enough.
Look, uh, this is going to be a two-step closure process.
Step one: You're gonna see Lauren get married.
Step two: You are gonna hook up with the second hottest girl here.
Who's hooking up with the hottest? Oh, right, you.
Actually, if you want to hook up with the hottest girl, you should be with your sister.
That sounded better in my head.
All right, step one complete.
You watched her get married.
Yes.
I had my eyes closed.
Whatever.
On to step two: hooking you up.
I saw some cute girls back there so I switched us to their table.
Bert, y-you can't do that.
Yeah, sure you can.
That's why you bring a Sharpie to a wedding.
All right, who strikes your fancy? Pick a girl.
Uh oh, she's cute.
The DJ? No, you can't have her.
She's too high up on the Wedding Food Chain.
She's like a cheetah.
And what am I? A baby wildebeest.
This is great for my ego.
Uh how do you know so much about weddings? I'm Catholic.
I got, like, 93 cousins.
So, who should I hit on? Well, you need to focus near the bottom of the chain.
Like a divorced aunt or ooh, right there-- a single bridesmaid drinking alone.
She's like a wounded gazelle.
Eh Eh Oh! What about her? Holy smokes.
That's the wedding planner.
She's the only person on the chain I haven't hooked up with.
Oh, she's the "lion.
" No, no, no, no, no.
Most wedding planners are either gay men or women over 60.
A young, hot female wedding planner is the rarest of all creatures.
She's like the White Rhino.
I'm going in.
Madeline! Diane! Oh Oh, dear.
I told Lauren we needed to be more explicit about what "formal attire" means.
I just wanted to come say "hi," and I figured I'd find you at the bar-- it is after 10:00 a.
m.
So, tell me Diane, still working at the prison? No, it's a public school.
I love orchids.
The Indians call them "the flower of love.
" That's totally made up.
Look, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I find you ridiculously attractive.
Congratulations.
That's the most aggressive line I've ever been fed.
Thank you.
Pregame? Excuse me, is this seat taken? Tabitha.
Andrew.
I didn't expect to see you here.
Neither did I expect to see me here.
This is a little embarrassing.
I know.
We forged our place cards.
Please don't say anything.
I was talking about us.
The last time I saw you, I kind of hit on you.
I don't know if you remember.
Vaguely.
Didn't order the matzo ball, but I don't mind it.
It's not unlike what I imagined a dinosaur testicle must have looked like.
Oh no.
Look at this picture of Lauren and Tom on their first date.
Look at the TV in the background: The Yankees are celebrating their World Series victory over the Phillies.
Right, that was a real crusher for all us fans of that sport.
Baseball, is it? Mike, the Yankees only beat the Phillies twice in the World Series, so unless this photo was taken in 1950, their first date was two years ago, in October.
She broke up with him in December.
Which means she cheated.
But also it means your sports trivia obsession has paid for itself.
It's only a small part of the photo.
Andrew won't notice that.
Are you kidding? He's like CSI.
Don't you remember the time I took a sip from his vodka cranberry? Well, what should we do? My instinct is to scream and run out of here but that can't be right.
I was just talking with Lauren.
She really is a sweet girl.
She cheated on Andrew.
That slut! Slut? Where? Give me an o'clock.
Lauren and Tom went on their first date when she was still with Andrew.
This photo proves it.
Son of a bitch.
Well, I guess he'll get his closure.
No, no, no.
He can't find out.
No, he does not handle betrayal well.
Yeah, you weren't around for Margo, his first serious girlfriend.
They dated for six months, then he found out she cheated on him.
He hit rock bottom.
We can't go back there, Bert.
That beard was like a pulp strainer.
Yeah, I'll just get him out of here.
He didn't want to come in the first place.
So it shouldn't be a problem.
Hey, guys, you won't believe who's here: Lauren's cousin Tabitha.
I think she likes me.
Bert, I got to say thank you for forcing me to come to this wedding.
I actually feel like I'm starting to get some closure.
Yeah, well, you don't want to get too much closure too fast.
You'll get a closure headache.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
What? No, no, no, no.
I'm sticking this out.
Look, maybe it's the wine spritzers talking, but you're my best friend.
This is a long man-hug.
How many wine spritzers did you have? I lost track after the first one.
I don't know, two? It's tough to tell.
It's been a crazy afternoon.
Yeah, you had a big day.
Come on, I think we accomplished what we needed to.
Let's get out of here.
No, no, no, no, you said I needed to see the wedding and I needed to hook up.
I already did the hard part, I want the fun part.
Give me the fun part.
It's gonna be so fun.
Hooking up isn't the most important thing.
But you've always said, "It's the most important thing.
" In fact, wasn't that your yearbook quote? Bert, look, it took everything I have to come to this wedding.
Your plan is somehow working.
For the first time since my breakup, I finally feel like I'm ready to move on.
So, unless you can tell me a really good reason why I need to leave, I want to stick this thing out.
Fine.
We can stay.
Ah, there it is.
All right.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get Tabitha and me two more wine spritzers.
Hold the spritzer.
Oh, I'm doing the moonwalk.
This is crazy.
It's been a great day.
Okay, what's happening? Did you convince him to leave? Did I convince him to leave? No, I did not.
Look, we just need to make sure that he doesn't see any of these pictures.
Oh, we're surrounded by them! Aw! It's a fool's errand.
You know who can help get us these pictures? The White Rhino.
My best friend was engaged to the bride.
This picture is proof that she cheated on him.
If he sees this, he'll be shattered.
What kind of idiot goes to his ex-fiancee's wedding? An idiot with a ninja trainer.
My goal is simple: to get every copy of this picture.
And your phone number.
I can't tell if you're charming and adorable, or a borderline sociopath.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
I can't take down those pictures myself.
But I can tell you there are 26 of them: one on each table, two at the bar and one at the carving station.
If you get caught, I will have you arrested.
Thanks, doll.
Oh, and when you're done getting those pictures, why don't you meet me at the service elevator.
You serious? Yeah.
For some self-destructive reason, you intrigue me.
Yeah, I get that a lot, too.
Wow, that was fast.
You're athletic.
I like that.
Let's go put the "service" in "service elevator.
" I gotta get more self-esteem.
All right, I only have 15 minutes.
How come you only have 15 minutes? The groom is giving his speech.
I gotta set this video up about how they met.
Come on, let's do this.
I feel my dignity starting to creep back-- come on! Agh! You're killing me.
I love low self-esteem.
Wait.
You're leaving me? I gotta go help my friend.
We'll meet again, White Rhino.
Yo, Andrew.
Hey, good news.
I'm on the verge of closing the deal with Tabitha.
The DJ is playing "All the Single Ladies" in the next set, and I dance the crap out of that song.
Hey, look, I didn't want to say anything, but I just got rejected.
Hard.
By the White Rhino.
I need to leave and I don't think I should be alone right now.
Seriously? Yeah.
I need to process my emotions.
Wow.
Um Okay.
Yeah, you know, I didn't want to come here, but you made me, and I'm happy you did.
I will leave with you.
Great, great, great.
'Cause we have, uh, roughly two minutes.
Huh? Before I get emotional about my thing.
Come on, let's go.
Lauren! Andrew.
Hey.
Great to see you.
I didn't think you were gonna make it.
Why, because you thought it would be too hard for me? Because you responded "no.
" And then you crossed it off with a Sharpie and wrote "hell, yeah.
" How was your kosher meal, by the way? That was for me.
Bert Lansing.
Shalom.
Uh, excuse me.
If I can get everyone to sit down, I have a little video I'd like to show.
It's the story of how Lauren and I first met.
Oh, I should actually go up there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Mazel Tov.
Come on.
Oh, Bert, wait! Don't leave without your party favor bags.
I'm doing a wedding at the Drake next Sunday, they have a pretty sizable service elevator, so Hold on.
She cheated.
Excuse me.
Look, I'm sorry.
I should've said something, but you were doing so good, I didn't want to set you back.
It's fine.
I just want to go home, put on my pajamas and grow a beard.
No I'm not going to let you wallow.
You need to go crazy.
If this was me, I'd be on the news by now.
Well, that's you.
I'm a gentleman.
Yeah, well, maybe you're too much of a gentleman.
There is no such thing.
Good evening, and welcome to the Stansbury.
That's why you never got closure: you never got it out of your system! You need to lash out! You need to go ape nuts! What do you want me to do, huh? Do you want me to go in there and disrupt the wedding? Make a scene? Punch out the groom? Yes! And then I'll take you to the hospital after he kicks your ass.
No.
If I'm going to get closure, I'm going to do it my own way.
Enjoy your evening.
I just want to say, Lauren, you're the best.
Let's go, Yanks! Phillies suck! Hold this.
There's going to be a wedding fight.
All right, I've got your back, Bert.
And by your back, I mean, obviously, your jacket.
Hi.
I'm Andrew Carlson.
I always knew I'd be at Lauren's wedding.
Of course, I thought we'd be sitting at the same table.
But I just want to say Lauren cheated on me.
She's a cheater.
So let's all raise a glass to a marriage built on lies and betrayal.
And, Tom, one more thing-- the Yankees suck.
Wedding fight! No way! You did not start a wedding fight.
I did not.
That was my fantasy.
Has this whole thing just been a lie? I knew that mashed potato bar sounded too good to be true.
Just finish reading the article.
I handled it my own way.
Well, I always knew I'd be at Lauren's wedding.
Of course, I thought we'd be sitting at the same table.
My instinct as a man was to call Lauren out for the cheater she was.
But the gentleman in me chose a different approach.
I gave the perfect speech.
It was a little funny.
A little sad.
And had just the right amount of wisdom.
I may have even made Lauren question her choice.
And at that moment, I was the most charming guy in the room.
I love you! Now, if I can ask you to raise your glasses.
To Tom and Lauren.
You two deserve each other.
And that's how I finally got closure.
Well, that and taking my gift back.
Agh! I can't do it.
Even though the shortest distance between a breakup and closure is not always a straight line, the drive to work really should be.
Dude, I think this is a one-way street.
Yeah, I never go this way.
Oh, crap.
I feel like my whole world is falling apart.
Oh, that's 'cause it is! Excuse me, Andrew Carlson? Yeah.
Dead arm! Bert Lansing from high school! This is my gym.
Bert's Body Shop.
No one cares about being a gentleman anymore.
You know everything about being a gentleman, but nothing about being a man.
Your ex-fiancee dumped you, ripped your heart out and left you doubting your manhood on a level so primal, you can't even see it.
Yeah, sure, fine.
You didn't just hire me to get your body in shape; you hired me to get your whole life in shape.
That means I got to be with you 24-7.
You can't be with me 24-7.
That would mean you'd have to move in.
Bingo.
Hey, look, farm-fresh kiwis.
That's the name of my a capella singing group back in New Zealand.
Andrew? Lauren! I thought that was you.
Hey.
Hey Hey! Hi.
Oh! Sorry.
That was a bit awkward? Sort of a hybrid kiss/hug.
Hi, Mike.
Nice to see you.
Hi.
I'm not very good in awkward situations.
I tend to blurt.
Last time I saw you, you were engaged to Andrew, and then you and then you weren't.
So what's, uh, new? Um, are you still dating Tom? Uh, well, Andrew, Tom and I got engaged.
Ooh I shouldn't have made that sound.
Wow.
That's, uh That's I'm hap hap Congratulations.
I sorry.
I was going to send you a wedding invitation, but I didn't know if that would be awkward.
No, not awkward at all.
Please, send me an invitation.
It was great seeing you.
This all happened three months ago? Why did it take you so long to write about it? It's an emotionally charged issue.
So, what do you think? If I could give you one tiny adjustment for this story: Instead of giving Lauren a smile, you have sex with her on a fruit cart.
Jerry, I write a manners column.
You know where the new management is coming from.
You see your column as "an honest portrayal of the human condition.
" They see it as just "words that keep the sex-pill ads from hitting each other.
" But we want an Internet presence.
Guys search the Internet for things like hot chicks, beer, ass, nachos and golf.
Make it about those things, and get it to me by Monday.
Oh, I can't.
I'm going camping with Bert this weekend.
Well, Andrew, I can't tell you how to do your job.
Wait a minute, I can.
I'm your boss.
You get a new ending, or I am gonna have to bump your column for this hard-hitting exposé.
"How to Drink Beer and Eat Nachos off a Hot Chick's Ass.
Golf.
" Yeah, Monday.
Hey.
What's up? Hey.
I'll take two boxes of thin mints.
This is my camping outfit.
I got all the supplies.
I got a tent, a portable stove, and something that's either a hat or a bathroom.
Hopefully not both.
We're not going camping.
What?! But I slept in my sleeping bag last night, just for practice.
That was just a smoke-screen so you'd keep the date open.
We're going to your ex-fiancee's wedding.
What?! No, I RSVP'd "no" to Lauren's wedding.
And then you left it on the counter.
And I opened it up and RSVP'd back "Yes plus one.
" I also got a kosher meal.
Why would you possibly do that? I don't know, I've never had kosher food; I'm curious.
No! Why would you open up my mail and change my response? Because you need to face your biggest fear.
My biggest fear is that my roommate-slash-trainer is going through my mail and spiders with human eyes.
No, I think your biggest fear is seeing Lauren with another man.
You haven't accepted that she's moved on, and that's keeping you from moving on.
That's why you avoid her.
You don't know that.
You've only lived here like a month.
I'm like a ninja looking over you.
Watching your every move.
I stare at you when you sleep.
That's worse than spiders with human eyes.
You hired me to turn your life around.
In order to do that, I need to get inside you.
Do you hear yourself when you speak? Look, so what if I avoid my ex-fiancee? That is a normal thing to do, Bert.
It's been over a year.
Look at the route you take to get to work just to avoid the possibility of seeing her.
You can get there in five minutes if you take a right.
But you always take a left so you avoid driving by her apartment.
You need closure.
You need to accept that she's moved on.
And the best way to do that is to see her get married.
I have totally accepted that she's moved on.
Have you? Yes.
Have you? Yes! Have you? No.
Hey, why are you at Mom's? I'm here for dinner, dumbass.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to get a little tan off the ray of sunshine that is you.
I also wanted to tell everyone that I decided to go to Lauren's wedding.
I thought Bert was taking you camping this weekend.
That was a smoke-screen to get me to keep the date open.
By the way, do you know anyone who could use a $60 toilet hat? Mike will take it.
Don't you think it's going to be hard for you to watch Lauren getting married? I mean, if it were me, I'd leave town.
What do you think, Janet? Will Lauren mind that she's not going home with the most handsome man at her wedding? Ooh, busted! You guys are going to the wedding?! I knew Lauren before you did.
I introduced you.
I thought you were going camping.
It was a smoke-screen.
Oh, clever.
Look, if you don't want us to go, we won't go.
But you should know, they're having a mashed potato bar.
Fine.
You can go.
I suppose there are weirder things than your sister attending your ex-fiancee's wedding.
Okay, now this one is more appropriate for a daytime wedding, but this one fits me better.
You're going to the wedding, too? No.
What wedding? He's going, too, Mom.
I thought you were going camping.
It was a smoke-screen.
We're all fooled.
Why are you going to Lauren's wedding? Lauren and I got to be close over the many, many years you dated; she's like the daughter I never had.
She says in front of the daughter she did have.
Honey, honey, you know what I mean.
Her own mother is a horrible snob.
And-and Lauren called and she personally asked me to be there.
But if you don't want me to go, it's not a big deal.
Does he know about the mashed potato bar? Quick pre-game before we go in? Bert, it's 11:00 in the morning.
No one wants to I will.
Here you go.
I'll take a nip.
I can't believe she's getting married.
We were together five years.
Not that I didn't have opportunities to stray.
I don't know if I ever told you guys this story, but Lauren's cousin Tabitha Not the Tabitha story.
I can't hear this again.
Oh, God.
Please, no.
It's a good story! Lauren's cousin Tabitha hit on me at Lauren's birthday party.
So that's the story? Not exactly Goodfellas.
No, it's a great story because it shows how committed I was to Lauren.
Ah, we were great together.
You ever meet someone and you just feel like, "I can fall into this woman and I will never see the light of day again"? Okay, okay, that's enough.
That's enough.
That's enough.
Look, uh, this is going to be a two-step closure process.
Step one: You're gonna see Lauren get married.
Step two: You are gonna hook up with the second hottest girl here.
Who's hooking up with the hottest? Oh, right, you.
Actually, if you want to hook up with the hottest girl, you should be with your sister.
That sounded better in my head.
All right, step one complete.
You watched her get married.
Yes.
I had my eyes closed.
Whatever.
On to step two: hooking you up.
I saw some cute girls back there so I switched us to their table.
Bert, y-you can't do that.
Yeah, sure you can.
That's why you bring a Sharpie to a wedding.
All right, who strikes your fancy? Pick a girl.
Uh oh, she's cute.
The DJ? No, you can't have her.
She's too high up on the Wedding Food Chain.
She's like a cheetah.
And what am I? A baby wildebeest.
This is great for my ego.
Uh how do you know so much about weddings? I'm Catholic.
I got, like, 93 cousins.
So, who should I hit on? Well, you need to focus near the bottom of the chain.
Like a divorced aunt or ooh, right there-- a single bridesmaid drinking alone.
She's like a wounded gazelle.
Eh Eh Oh! What about her? Holy smokes.
That's the wedding planner.
She's the only person on the chain I haven't hooked up with.
Oh, she's the "lion.
" No, no, no, no, no.
Most wedding planners are either gay men or women over 60.
A young, hot female wedding planner is the rarest of all creatures.
She's like the White Rhino.
I'm going in.
Madeline! Diane! Oh Oh, dear.
I told Lauren we needed to be more explicit about what "formal attire" means.
I just wanted to come say "hi," and I figured I'd find you at the bar-- it is after 10:00 a.
m.
So, tell me Diane, still working at the prison? No, it's a public school.
I love orchids.
The Indians call them "the flower of love.
" That's totally made up.
Look, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I find you ridiculously attractive.
Congratulations.
That's the most aggressive line I've ever been fed.
Thank you.
Pregame? Excuse me, is this seat taken? Tabitha.
Andrew.
I didn't expect to see you here.
Neither did I expect to see me here.
This is a little embarrassing.
I know.
We forged our place cards.
Please don't say anything.
I was talking about us.
The last time I saw you, I kind of hit on you.
I don't know if you remember.
Vaguely.
Didn't order the matzo ball, but I don't mind it.
It's not unlike what I imagined a dinosaur testicle must have looked like.
Oh no.
Look at this picture of Lauren and Tom on their first date.
Look at the TV in the background: The Yankees are celebrating their World Series victory over the Phillies.
Right, that was a real crusher for all us fans of that sport.
Baseball, is it? Mike, the Yankees only beat the Phillies twice in the World Series, so unless this photo was taken in 1950, their first date was two years ago, in October.
She broke up with him in December.
Which means she cheated.
But also it means your sports trivia obsession has paid for itself.
It's only a small part of the photo.
Andrew won't notice that.
Are you kidding? He's like CSI.
Don't you remember the time I took a sip from his vodka cranberry? Well, what should we do? My instinct is to scream and run out of here but that can't be right.
I was just talking with Lauren.
She really is a sweet girl.
She cheated on Andrew.
That slut! Slut? Where? Give me an o'clock.
Lauren and Tom went on their first date when she was still with Andrew.
This photo proves it.
Son of a bitch.
Well, I guess he'll get his closure.
No, no, no.
He can't find out.
No, he does not handle betrayal well.
Yeah, you weren't around for Margo, his first serious girlfriend.
They dated for six months, then he found out she cheated on him.
He hit rock bottom.
We can't go back there, Bert.
That beard was like a pulp strainer.
Yeah, I'll just get him out of here.
He didn't want to come in the first place.
So it shouldn't be a problem.
Hey, guys, you won't believe who's here: Lauren's cousin Tabitha.
I think she likes me.
Bert, I got to say thank you for forcing me to come to this wedding.
I actually feel like I'm starting to get some closure.
Yeah, well, you don't want to get too much closure too fast.
You'll get a closure headache.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
What? No, no, no, no.
I'm sticking this out.
Look, maybe it's the wine spritzers talking, but you're my best friend.
This is a long man-hug.
How many wine spritzers did you have? I lost track after the first one.
I don't know, two? It's tough to tell.
It's been a crazy afternoon.
Yeah, you had a big day.
Come on, I think we accomplished what we needed to.
Let's get out of here.
No, no, no, no, you said I needed to see the wedding and I needed to hook up.
I already did the hard part, I want the fun part.
Give me the fun part.
It's gonna be so fun.
Hooking up isn't the most important thing.
But you've always said, "It's the most important thing.
" In fact, wasn't that your yearbook quote? Bert, look, it took everything I have to come to this wedding.
Your plan is somehow working.
For the first time since my breakup, I finally feel like I'm ready to move on.
So, unless you can tell me a really good reason why I need to leave, I want to stick this thing out.
Fine.
We can stay.
Ah, there it is.
All right.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get Tabitha and me two more wine spritzers.
Hold the spritzer.
Oh, I'm doing the moonwalk.
This is crazy.
It's been a great day.
Okay, what's happening? Did you convince him to leave? Did I convince him to leave? No, I did not.
Look, we just need to make sure that he doesn't see any of these pictures.
Oh, we're surrounded by them! Aw! It's a fool's errand.
You know who can help get us these pictures? The White Rhino.
My best friend was engaged to the bride.
This picture is proof that she cheated on him.
If he sees this, he'll be shattered.
What kind of idiot goes to his ex-fiancee's wedding? An idiot with a ninja trainer.
My goal is simple: to get every copy of this picture.
And your phone number.
I can't tell if you're charming and adorable, or a borderline sociopath.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
I can't take down those pictures myself.
But I can tell you there are 26 of them: one on each table, two at the bar and one at the carving station.
If you get caught, I will have you arrested.
Thanks, doll.
Oh, and when you're done getting those pictures, why don't you meet me at the service elevator.
You serious? Yeah.
For some self-destructive reason, you intrigue me.
Yeah, I get that a lot, too.
Wow, that was fast.
You're athletic.
I like that.
Let's go put the "service" in "service elevator.
" I gotta get more self-esteem.
All right, I only have 15 minutes.
How come you only have 15 minutes? The groom is giving his speech.
I gotta set this video up about how they met.
Come on, let's do this.
I feel my dignity starting to creep back-- come on! Agh! You're killing me.
I love low self-esteem.
Wait.
You're leaving me? I gotta go help my friend.
We'll meet again, White Rhino.
Yo, Andrew.
Hey, good news.
I'm on the verge of closing the deal with Tabitha.
The DJ is playing "All the Single Ladies" in the next set, and I dance the crap out of that song.
Hey, look, I didn't want to say anything, but I just got rejected.
Hard.
By the White Rhino.
I need to leave and I don't think I should be alone right now.
Seriously? Yeah.
I need to process my emotions.
Wow.
Um Okay.
Yeah, you know, I didn't want to come here, but you made me, and I'm happy you did.
I will leave with you.
Great, great, great.
'Cause we have, uh, roughly two minutes.
Huh? Before I get emotional about my thing.
Come on, let's go.
Lauren! Andrew.
Hey.
Great to see you.
I didn't think you were gonna make it.
Why, because you thought it would be too hard for me? Because you responded "no.
" And then you crossed it off with a Sharpie and wrote "hell, yeah.
" How was your kosher meal, by the way? That was for me.
Bert Lansing.
Shalom.
Uh, excuse me.
If I can get everyone to sit down, I have a little video I'd like to show.
It's the story of how Lauren and I first met.
Oh, I should actually go up there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Mazel Tov.
Come on.
Oh, Bert, wait! Don't leave without your party favor bags.
I'm doing a wedding at the Drake next Sunday, they have a pretty sizable service elevator, so Hold on.
She cheated.
Excuse me.
Look, I'm sorry.
I should've said something, but you were doing so good, I didn't want to set you back.
It's fine.
I just want to go home, put on my pajamas and grow a beard.
No I'm not going to let you wallow.
You need to go crazy.
If this was me, I'd be on the news by now.
Well, that's you.
I'm a gentleman.
Yeah, well, maybe you're too much of a gentleman.
There is no such thing.
Good evening, and welcome to the Stansbury.
That's why you never got closure: you never got it out of your system! You need to lash out! You need to go ape nuts! What do you want me to do, huh? Do you want me to go in there and disrupt the wedding? Make a scene? Punch out the groom? Yes! And then I'll take you to the hospital after he kicks your ass.
No.
If I'm going to get closure, I'm going to do it my own way.
Enjoy your evening.
I just want to say, Lauren, you're the best.
Let's go, Yanks! Phillies suck! Hold this.
There's going to be a wedding fight.
All right, I've got your back, Bert.
And by your back, I mean, obviously, your jacket.
Hi.
I'm Andrew Carlson.
I always knew I'd be at Lauren's wedding.
Of course, I thought we'd be sitting at the same table.
But I just want to say Lauren cheated on me.
She's a cheater.
So let's all raise a glass to a marriage built on lies and betrayal.
And, Tom, one more thing-- the Yankees suck.
Wedding fight! No way! You did not start a wedding fight.
I did not.
That was my fantasy.
Has this whole thing just been a lie? I knew that mashed potato bar sounded too good to be true.
Just finish reading the article.
I handled it my own way.
Well, I always knew I'd be at Lauren's wedding.
Of course, I thought we'd be sitting at the same table.
My instinct as a man was to call Lauren out for the cheater she was.
But the gentleman in me chose a different approach.
I gave the perfect speech.
It was a little funny.
A little sad.
And had just the right amount of wisdom.
I may have even made Lauren question her choice.
And at that moment, I was the most charming guy in the room.
I love you! Now, if I can ask you to raise your glasses.
To Tom and Lauren.
You two deserve each other.
And that's how I finally got closure.
Well, that and taking my gift back.
Agh! I can't do it.
Even though the shortest distance between a breakup and closure is not always a straight line, the drive to work really should be.
Dude, I think this is a one-way street.
Yeah, I never go this way.
Oh, crap.