How to Sell Drugs Online: Fast (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1 [Moritz.]
Having our own business had always been our greatest dream.
To make a ton of money while also getting to decide who you work with, where you work, and when you work.
And if you know why you're doing it, then it's almost irrelevant what you're doing.
Bosses are winner types.
Employees are loser types who use their free time to try to realize their dreams.
Why would somebody choose a life like that? - Work time is life time.
- [doorbell rings.]
[dog barking.]
[Marie.]
Yeah? - Can I come in? - No.
Who are you? I'm I'm a very good friend of Moritz's.
- I don't believe you.
- Why not? Moritz doesn't have any friends.
And if he does, they're either ugly or disabled.
A compliment from a nine-year-old.
Not bad.
I'm 11! - [whistles.]
Hmm.
- Do you want to beat Moritz up? Oh, we'll see.
Okay, then come in.
Down the hall, last door on the right.
[Lenny.]
Twenty-one orders in three days! If this keeps up, we'll need new inventory.
- And I'll need a garage.
- Huh? For my Jet Ski! Shit! Oh, Mr.
Sander! [Moritz.]
What are you doing here? You still owe me money! But first, delete that fucking photo from the fucking cloud.
[paper crumpling.]
- Okay, it's deleted.
- Yeah? Ow! [groans.]
You should always delete everything from the fucking trash.
[Lenny grunting.]
[Buba.]
Okay, do you know what happens now? I'll give you the rest of the money soon.
I promise [grunts.]
Wrong answer.
I'll give it to you right now.
[grunts.]
Oh, sorry, that was actually the right answer.
So Where's the money? We don't have it yet.
- You just said you'd give it to me now.
- I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
- Yeah, I did.
- That's why I said it! Yes, but only if it's true! [groans.]
- You can have the rest of the pills now.
- [groans.]
- [grunts.]
- [Moritz.]
You can't hit a disabled person! - Which of you are you referring to? - [chuckles.]
You think that's funny? - Mm-mm.
- What the fuck? What are my pills doing in that picture? - Have you two lost your fucking minds? - [knocks on door.]
[Jens.]
Are you guys watching a movie? Sounds intense.
[coughs.]
Do you want anything to eat? Definitely.
But it's a really exciting part right now.
- We'll pop in a pizza later.
- [Lenny.]
Mm-hmm.
[Lenny.]
Two pizzas.
One for each person in here.
[Moritz.]
Exactly.
Okay, you fucking nerds, tell me what you're up to here.
[Moritz.]
All right, maybe you can't always decide who you work with.
- [sighs.]
- Ow! [upbeat music playing.]
Fucking capitalism! Fuck you all! A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES [theme music playing.]
How dumb can you be? A dick pic in the first message! I've honestly considered making them into a coffee table book.
"Dicks of Germany.
" With Dan's, for instance.
He has a gorgeous dick, by the way.
- It could be good for the cover.
- Oh, Fritzi! [laughs.]
What's wrong? Can't I reduce a man to his looks? - Mm! - [phone dings.]
- Besides, I'm looking more for you.
- Thanks.
Right now I'm just glad to be by myself.
Lisa, we both know what's going on.
For years you were everybody's darling, then suddenly, snap, like Miley Cyrus.
First, Hannah Montana, then "Wrecking Ball.
" It'd be great if you'd stop letting other people make the decisions about your future.
You were unhappy, and you made a decision.
One on one, Dan was clearly the winner.
What are you waiting for? Did you tell Moritz about the party? No.
Tell me one reason why I'd talk to your ex about you.
- [laughs.]
- Oh, fuck! Mm.
Remember 50 Cent, the rapper? He used to deal drugs, too.
And you know how he got rich? - Mm-mm.
- Rapping? No.
He got in on Vitamin Water, the beverage company.
Yeah, he also invested in Bitcoin, and And this project with you two lunkheads is my way out.
Well, strictly speaking, you won't really be out.
You see, we were already looking for a reliable supplier.
- Yeah? - To avoid possible delivery bottlenecks.
I'm the most reliable drug supplier I know.
- And the money? - Let's say 10,000.
I want it by Tuesday.
No.
You give us the 10,000.
What? That's your stake in the company.
Are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like Shark Tank? If we scale up recent demand, we'll get a product turnover of 450 pills per day.
That makes 164,250 pills per year.
According to the current sale price, that gives us monthly sales of - 54,000 euros.
- Mm.
And it's an upward trend.
So, before anyone invests to get a share of the profits let's say, for a third they'd have to invest at least 10,000 euros.
Anything else would be considered a gift and that's, unfortunately, illegal.
Check yourself.
Okay, boys.
I'll tell you how it's going to work.
I have two grand here.
I want you to turn it into ten by Tuesday.
Then we'll take it from there as business partners.
- And if you run out of pills - [phone beeps.]
- [ringtone plays.]
- call me by holding the 1 key.
And if Auntie Buba calls, you pick up, no matter when, no matter where! - Got it? - Yes.
Have you? Okay.
Then it's fine.
[clears throat.]
All right, let's toast to that.
[sighs.]
Here.
Oh! You really drink this stuff? Ugh.
Boys, sugar is poison.
In Germany, three people die per hour because of sugar.
Let that sink in three people! Per hour! Okay, we get it.
Fucking geeks! [door closes.]
[sighs.]
[dance music playing on radio.]
Yo, Marie.
I'm leaving.
Don't let those retards bring you down.
Yallah.
Close the door! [scoffs.]
Girl power.
[Moritz.]
Calm down.
We won't need to defend ourselves.
The gun probably wasn't even real.
For this to work, we'll need a way to replenish inventory, a supplier.
Like Foxconn and Apple! Just because the supplier is evil, it doesn't mean you can't work with them.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
We take the 5,000 euros from our Bitcoin wallet, plus the 2,000 from "50 Cent Jr.
," then we sell the rest of the pills till we have 10,000.
And then then we close the shop.
Bullshit! Have you looked at the numbers? Lenny, the people love us.
Have you read the customer reviews? Here, "These pills suck.
I was totally freaked out.
" One star.
Look, this is in Spanish.
[Lenny.]
"What a load of shit.
Can we find the server location and then fist them to death?" On Yelp, reviews always tend to be on the negative side.
But on Yelp, you don't die if your food sucks, man! I mean, we don't even know what we're selling.
Maybe we should test the stuff first.
Lenny, you dropped chemistry because you were scared you'd accidentally create anti-matter.
Exactly! We don't even know what MDMA stands for! Um, methyl Moritz, seriously? Methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine.
See? We know what it stands for.
Hey, the guy has a gun! If anything goes wrong, he'll kill us! And there's nothing we can do about it.
Hello? Moritz! Dude! Wait up! [groans.]
Lenny, hang on! Fuck! - What's your fucking problem? - You're my fucking problem! [Moritz whimpers.]
This isn't fucking GTA, Moritz.
When you're dead here, you're dead.
- You don't re-spawn at the next hospital.
- Relax! This is almost 2,000 euros worth of orders.
Just from this week! I know what I'm doing, Lenny.
- Everything is cool! - [siren wailing.]
Freeze! Police! Okay, guys.
I have to go.
The fish are biting.
Oh, well.
Crime doesn't sleep, but you know what? Neither do the police.
Take the pizza out of the oven, okay? Wow! Seems to be going really well with MyTems.
Here, I'll drop them off for you.
[coughs.]
There's a mailbox on the way anyway.
What? No one will stop and search a cop.
Asshole! I know what you're thinking.
But Steve Jobs didn't care that people thought he was an asshole, either.
Some of the greatest geniuses of all time were assholes.
Thomas Edison, for instance.
In order to prove that alternating current was more dangerous than his direct current, he had an elephant publicly executed with alternating current.
Carly Fiorina reinvented Hewlett Packard, laying off thousands of employees, while tripling her own salary and buying herself a yacht and five private jets.
Jeff Bezos from Amazon regularly sends employees e-mails containing only a question mark just to make them feel insecure.
And Elon Musk, don't get me started with him.
Success isn't a popularity contest.
If you want someone's attention who isn't interested in you at all, you sometimes have to do the exact opposite of what they expect.
[teacher.]
Okay, fantastic.
Aaron and Finn will do Cat and Mouse.
Next material, Spring Awakening.
Young love.
Moritz, Lisa, that's something for you, right? [girls giggle.]
- Yeah, sure - I'm already with Gerda.
[teacher.]
Huh? Okay.
And people call my profession monotonous.
[laughs.]
Then Lisa can do The Sorrows of Young Werther - [phone buzzes.]
- with Fritzi.
[Fritzi.]
Okay.
FRITZI FORGET HIM.
GO FOR DAN.
- Are you listening, Lisa? - Mm-hmm.
- Put your phones away, guys.
- [phone buzzes.]
[gasps.]
[teacher.]
Lisa, enough.
Give me your phone.
I didn't do anything.
If it's that important, let's share it with the whole class, okay? Hmm? - Give it here.
- It's not important to anyone else.
- Either you give - Besides, you can't.
Privacy laws.
Hand it over or leave the room.
[teacher.]
Okay.
Lisa has just won herself a date with the principal.
- [students laughing.]
- [girl.]
Whoo! [claps.]
[3-D printer whirring.]
[sighs.]
Tsk.
Oh.
SHE LEARNED ALBANIAN IN HER SLEEP! [mutters.]
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Lisa.
Um, about this morning, I get it if you don't want to do a presentation with me.
That's why I'm doing it with Gerda.
That doesn't mean I'm not interested in you anymore.
- [sighs, clears throat.]
- [phone chimes, paper crumples.]
[phone chimes.]
Hey, Lisa! Um, so I wanted to don't worry about America, okay? I'm selling drugs now and we'll get it figured out.
[groans.]
[phone chimes, paper crumples.]
[phone chimes.]
Hey, Lisa.
I, um If you need more of the you know I I might know somebody.
See you at school.
Ciao.
[muffled chatter.]
- [distant thud.]
- [footsteps approach.]
- [knock on door.]
- [door opens.]
Honey.
I I I actually wanted I wanted to I think it's good that you're focusing on your chemistry again.
Maybe you can take over the company one day after all.
Mmm.
- [door closes.]
- [muffled chatter continues.]
PSYCHOTROPIC SUBSTANCE THAT BELONGS TO PHENOLIC ETHER AND AMPHETAMINE GROUPS SWIPE TO CANCEL - [door opens.]
- I'm divorcing your father.
He wanted to tell you himself, but he can't even do that.
[door closes.]
[sighs.]
[Lisa on phone.]
Hey, Mo, I wanted to let you know that the pills are dangerous.
They have PMA inside.
It causes hot flashes and serious barfing.
HEY LENNY, WE SHOULD BE CAREFUL WITH THE PILLS.
[Lisa.]
If you find out where to get good Molly, let me know.
Bye.
WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD BE IN THEM? [gunfire and explosions on TV.]
[men shouting on TV.]
[man on TV.]
Son of a bitch! - [Lenny.]
Fuck you, Moritz.
- [paper crumples.]
I have to run back to school.
- A conference.
[kisses.]
- Bye.
[man on TV.]
It's now or never.
Are you ready? [man on TV.]
And now take this.
- [gunfire on TV continues.]
- [shouts.]
[echoing.]
Hey, people, welcome to Lenny's show! I have some crazy info for you.
[shouting.]
LEAVE A COMMEN FBOETTGER - UH, WHAT? [dance music playing.]
Did you know that David Prowse, the actor who played Darth Vader, didn't know he had to wear a mask? - When I fly and I land, and I land - Fly and I land, and I land [Lenny.]
And he only found out that they'd dubbed his voice - [woman's voice.]
when he saw the movie.
- [Lenny.]
What the hell? #DELETE YOURSELF [dance music continues.]
[Lenny.]
Then, in Return of the Jedi, he gets to take off his mask [laughs.]
but they replaced his face with Sebastian Shaw's.
Pop 12 of Molly Now pop 12 a day Little Molly, Papa perk Now she twerk, now she twerk - [turtle screeches.]
- Little Molly - [grunts.]
- [thuds.]
[brakes squeak.]
- [doorbell chiming.]
- [distant dog barking.]
Oh, you can feel it, yeah Oh, it's a passion [music stops.]
[lock clicks.]
- Lenny? - [Lenny groans.]
Lenny? What the fuck? - [Lenny humming.]
- Lenny.
[humming continues.]
- Lenny? - [Lenny muttering.]
What? Lenny tested.
Hot.
Lenny take it off.
Take it off! [Lenny retching.]
[Lenny vomiting.]
[Lenny inhales, coughs.]
[Moritz.]
I think the pills are really shit.
[inhales.]
Mm! Turty.
[kisses.]
Lenny, you were right.
We won't have any long-term success if our customers aren't happy.
[Lenny.]
Mm.
And they won't be happy if we deliver substandard products.
[Lenny.]
Mm-hmm.
You know what Steve Jobs did when he came back to save Apple in '97? Right! He got rid of the Newton.
And why? Because the product was shit.
Sure, our customers say they want to fist us to death, but they have a point.
[Lenny groaning.]
- Lenny? What they actually mean is - [groans.]
"We would be very pleased if, after this unsatisfying experience, we could receive a replacement product, free of charge.
" [phone buzzes.]
DANIEL HEY LISA, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? WANNA CHILL TOGETHER? [paper crumples.]
Fucking pills.
[groans.]
[birds chirping.]
[computer dings.]
VIEW PICTURE [automated voice.]
Do you trust me now? [keyboard clicking.]
Well, that was fast.
Suggestion: I tell you something nobody knows about me and in return you have to tell me something nobody knows about you.
I flew the F-16 for five years and I killed at least 20 people.
- Your turn.
- Fuck! [Moritz.]
Yesterday I blocked my mother on Facebook.
Five years ago, she left me sitting with my sister and father for a better life with a rich asshole.
[shuddering breath.]
[keyboard clicks.]
[automated voice.]
Okay.
Holy shit.
How much do you need? [Moritz.]
Think what you will.
I disagree.
It's not at all crazy to transfer all of our money to a total stranger from the Darknet instead of [phone buzzes.]
settling our debt with the armed small-town dealer.
That's the difference between people like me and people like you.
[automated voice.]
Good morning.
Payment received.
[soft chatter.]
Selected items ready for pickup close to you.
At 50 degrees 57 minutes 10 seconds north, then six degrees 54 minutes 27.
8 seconds east.
Tonight at 7:30.
Good luck.
- [music playing over earbuds.]
- [chatter.]
Hey, Lisa.
What's up? Fritzi said we should talk.
[Lisa.]
Mm-hmm.
[Dan.]
Hmm.
I have an important appointment and I needed an okay from the school.
But I'm not allowed to talk about it.
- You know why? - Mm-mm.
You could say I'm something like a secret agent.
Mmm.
What do you have against me? I keep texting you, but you never respond.
Ha-ha.
The hard-to-get act isn't as sexy as you think.
What do you mean? - I don't know, my Facebook messages? - When did you message me? Yesterday, today.
Ms.
Novak, the principal will be right with you.
Go on inside.
- Johanna Schroen.
- [Johanna.]
Here.
Send me a heart.
All right.
Now we're talking.
- Dominik Schroeder.
- Mm-hmm.
- Lea Wergboch.
- Here.
- [paper crumples.]
- Hmm? Hey! [tapping echoes.]
[over PA.]
Hey, Moritz.
Here's a message you can't delete so easily.
[students snicker.]
You don't hack into your girlfriend's Facebook.
And definitely not your ex-girlfriend's.
And just for the record you don't want to be with me.
You want to be with the me from a year ago.
[chatter.]
Don't you see that I've changed? Why does everyone think they know what's best for me? If anyone should know, it's me, right? So maybe you can all leave me alone.
Thanks.
Oh, and here's a song to sign off.
[pop rock music playing.]
It's hard for me to stay awake It's hard for me to stay awake In this dream I created In this dream I created When I was 17 When I was 17 [automated voice.]
Follow the street for 500 meters.
- She blocked me on everything.
- Shit.
I mean, did she think her private data was secure on Facebook? [automated voice.]
In 350 meters, turn right.
[sighs.]
You think we can trust this guy? I'm not in the mood to have a gun shoved in my face again.
Aren't you the guy who's not afraid of dying? Relax, Lenny.
Purplerain said we wouldn't meet in person.
[scoffs.]
So, how did your Purplerain picture it? - Up here.
- [automated voice.]
Turn right.
You will reach your destination in 150 meters.
Your destination is at a remote location.
I wanted to be [automated voice.]
You have reached your destination.
You will reach your destination in 50 meters.
[Lenny.]
Hey! - [panting.]
- Keep going.
Keep going.
- Stop! - [groans.]
[automated voice.]
You have reached your destination.
Okay, it's supposed to be right here.
Dude, that's a fucking molehill.
We got ripped off.
Let's just keep going with Buba's pills.
Yeah, greatest pills ever.
"Hey, everyone, welcome to the Lenny Show!" - [mock vomits.]
- [laughs.]
[groans.]
- Moritz? - What? [plane buzzing.]
[both screaming.]
[Moritz.]
Honestly, is this what two ruthless assholes look like? Or two criminal masterminds? I mean, not every genius is automatically an asshole.
And not every asshole is automatically a genius.
[Lenny laughs.]
[Moritz.]
You can print that quote on your T-shirt if you want.
And what do we do about Buba? Give him his 10,000, then he's off our backs.
[beeps.]
[sustained beep, dialing.]
[line ringing.]
[phone ringing.]
[Moritz.]
Hello? - Who's speaking, please? - Buba? Yes? [coughs.]
- Yo, what's up? - [phone beeps.]
- Mm [sighs.]
- [phone beeps.]
[Lenny.]
What was that? When I was 17 When I was 17 I wanted to be I wanted to be I wanted to be I wanted to be It's not as easy as expected It's not as easy At all