Hullraisers (2022) s01e03 Episode Script
Mucky
1
Come on then, monkey.
Mind your head.
- Oh, you smell nice.
- Thank you, Daddy.
Oh, wait is this her coat?
I can't see any gravy stains.
GERMAN ACCENT: Let me see the coat.
Turn around. Turn around.
I've never seen this coat before in
my life. It's got lovely details, nice bow.
Why are you doing that voice?
You sound demented.
It's for the audition.
I'm inhabiting my character, Craig.
I'm gonna get this part, I can
feel it.
And get my career back on track.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, get it off!
Schnell, schnell, schnell!
My God, Craig, Craig. It's Gucci!
Gucci?
Who's kid she been playing with,
Kan ye West's?
I'd have taken this cos I'm hurrying
at pick up.
That new teacher's like Minnie Mouse
on Red Bull.
SQUEAKING: "Hello, Grace!"
She's even got her saying
"ickle bick."
Mum thinks she should
be learning Mandarin.
Well, yeah, that will be useful when
she goes to Blue Dolphin Caravan Park.
Just be careful with it, all right?
You know you get things mucky.
I don't get things mucky!
Mate, the car is literally a skip on
wheels.
I mean, when did we last go to
Wimpy?
I do not know zis Vimpy.
Is that too much?
PHONE RINGS
It's Missy Brown's mum. Who's that?
You know her, she's the queen of Botox. She
wears like 20 pairs of false lashes for pick up,
she has to flip her head back to
open her eyes.
She's the one that told you she'd
pierced her own nipples.
Oh, her.
Hiya, love.
You've taken Missy's coat.
Oh well, yeah, I picked it up by
mistake
cos they're the same
colour and material
and quality.
Missy's coat's actually a luxury
item from her uncle
heavily involved
with Formula 1.
Can you drop it off tonight?
Listen, I We're on Kings wood,
the executive side of the estate.
Which is the executive side?
Not near Asda.
Listen, I'll bring it in tomorrow.
Can you at least keep it out of the
way of stuff, please.
Bugger! Bugger!
♫ Is it worth it? Lemme work it
I put my thing down, flip it
and reverse it
♫ Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod
gniht ym tup I ♫
DOORBELL RINGS, SHE SIGHS
Hiya, Queenie, love. Hiya, baby.
Hi, Daddy.
Just checking it's your day with her
tomorrow.
She's got an INSET day.
BEN: No, sweetheart, I'm working.
Oh, 'eck, I've got a big meeting.
I'll sort something.
Hi, love!
Now, then.
You've done well there! Have fun,
love birds.
Get on well with your ex then, do
you?
Oh, yeah. She's got a heart of gold.
My friends always say that about me.
It's actually embarrassing.
Your daughter's cute.
Jayelle, yeah.
She's the angel of my life.
Some girlfriends couldn't handle
that though,
so I had to pull the plug.
Oh, I love kids. Yeah?
I really love kids.
Just need to find a sitter.
I could take Jayelle. I'm off into
town if she likes shopping.
Oh, Rana, she'd bloody love that.
Thank you.
Yeah, all right.
HIGH PITCHED SQUEAL
What coin comes next?
Bring it here. Did you wash my
hoodie?
I've just put a wash on. Can I have
a lift to Luke's?
Er, yeah. I can take you at 7.
I think it's 50p, love. Mam, washing
machine's on the blink again.
Jake, go get tool box.
Guys, guys!
She shouldn't be wearing it, but
look!
La-la!
How nice does Grace look?
Paula, it's Gucci! Grace, my little
Gucci-girly.
Do you want some? Ey, ey, be
careful, that's not mine.
And don't get it mucky with
that mousse.
Oh, my God, can I Instagram her?
I'll blur her face out. Yeah.
Ash, just whack that lasagne in for
me, will you?
Ash! Whack that lasagne in.
Nails are wet.
Jake, while you're out there, will
you get the oven chips from freezer?
I'm sitting Ben the fit fireman's
kid tomorrow.
What do you reckon?
You don't like children.
True.
No of fence.
Good luck babysitting then. I can
deal with a little girl.
And he's the best sex I've ever had.
He slides down poles and puts out
fires.
I mean, gotta make an effort,
'ant ya?
Toni, I deal with hardened
sociopaths day in and day out.
HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL
Oh, my God!
GRACE: Mum
SIREN WAILS
Probably just your IBS, Paula.
Zero Oscar, come in. Any delays on
the Clive Sullivan Way? Over.
Ey up, Line Of Duty.
What's she say?
Having a dig at you on her deathbed.
Bitch.
Aw, it is nice, though, in't it?
To all be out together, like this.
I mean without the kids and that.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Turn the car round.
Let's go line dancing instead.
Ow!
Is Dane here? Yeah, he's looking for
a doctor.
This way. Heal my wife.
Dane, I don't think that's
a consultant.
No, I'm just a cleaner. Oh.
Dane!
Breathe, love, breathe.
Have you told them at work I'm sick?
Yeah, I've messaged everyone in your
contacts.
I've told them you don't owe them
nothing. Right, listen up.
Don't let Ash go to school looking
like Drag Race,
make sure Jake eats something that
isn't beige,
don't be putting no fat
down the sink,
and you know that chicken that's in
the fridge,
sniff it before you cook
it cos it's on the turn.
Mrs Benzil, I think we might be
dealing with a stomach ulcer.
I knew it was your stomach.
Get off me head.
Oh, God.
Hiya. Now, you have fun, you two.
Look at you! Aw, this means so much.
No problem.
See ya.
Shall we go then?
So what do you see in my dad?
Things I can't discuss with
11-year-old girls.
Not his personality then? Of course
his personality.
Oh, sorry.
Force of habit.
Have fun!
Belt on, babes.
Smells expensive.
Only the best for your girl, eh?
Why don't you take this back to
where you bought it, they'll sort you out.
No, no, no. I've got no time today,
I've got an important audition.
Oh, are you an actress?
Yeah. What've you been in that I've
seen?
Did you listen to any radio plays in
the early 2010s?
No telly?
No telly.
Shame. Let's bring it back to the
coat
I'm sorry, I can't help you. There's
no insurance for designer.
Nice chatting, though.
Great.
Mummy's in big trouble.
Oh! You're a tickle bick early.
We're not technically open yet.
Missy's mam's not here, is she? No.
Missy's mummy's not a tickle early
bird who catches the worm, is she, Grace?
Oh!
There she is now.
She must've heard you.
Morning.
PAULA'S FAMILY'S VOICES SWIRL
Oh, my God!
They've kept this a secret!
No, they've kept this private.
You've hit the jackpot, love.
You're overspill for St Elizabeth's.
So soft! So clean!
Is that a menu?
Smoothies on the front. Physio
treatments on the back.
No!
Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.
Hello. I need to call my husband.
He did call for help with the morning
routine, but I said you needed rest.
No, he'll be giving Jake fizzy
pop for breakfast.
Now, Paula, you need to focus on
you.
What level of discomfort are you in?
Erm
My guts are tender, but it wouldn't
stop me doing a big shop.
Now, Paula, I won't allow tender
guts.
How about some pain relief?
I barely feel a paracetamol.
We can do a bit better than
paracetamol.
How about a sense of absolute
well being?
Jack me up, sister!
Hiya, hi.
It's Toni Collan here about
the audition.
I was wondering if you
could see me later, cos, erm
the thing is, my sister collapsed
this morning. Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks, thanks so much. Thank
you, bye.
PHONE DINGS
Ugh, pre-school group chat, what you
ganging up on me for?
Toni! Oh, it's good to see you,
Toni.
Me and Ben's kid, we're just
grabbing a coffee.
This is my mate, Toni.
Any news on Paula?
It's her bloody stomach.
Anyway, how you two getting on, you
having fun?
We're just thinking of what to do
with our really, really long day.
Yeah.
Sorry, I've gotta find somewhere in
Hull that sells Gucci.
There's that boutique in Beverley
that does it.
Do you want a lift?
Road trip to Beverley, yeah?
Road trip! This in't Thelma And
Louise, you know, Rana.
I'm gonna get my head kicked in by
a terrifying mother
if I don't get this coat cleaned and
back on a hook before pick up.
SHE GROANS
These drugs they're magic!
How's our Mrs Benzil doing?
Like the last 17 years never
happened to me.
I'm glad to hear it.
Your test results are all clear.
Most likely a flare-up of your IBS.
Have you been feeling stressed
lately?
Hm, have I been
feeling stressed lately?
Kath!
That's good one, that is!
SHE GIGGLES
Well, you can go home now. HOME?!
PHONE RINGS
Yep. Hiya, Paula.
Listen, I need you to do something
for me!
What? I'm up to my eyes in
bloody Gucci-gate.
Can't it wait?
Right, Toni, I need chalk.
You know like what you write on
a chalkboard with?
Yeah, I know what chalk is.
Promise me! It's life or death here.
What? Has she hung up?
PHONE RINGS
She's not answering, she's not
answering. Right, belts on, bitches,
I'm doing a u-ey.
Got the chalk? Right, good luck.
Could we do a phone audition,
because
something's come up, but I'm
really made for this part.
Yeah, I'm really good at accents.
Shall I do it for you now?
LINE CUTS OU
PHONE RINGS
SHE SCREAMS
This best be urgent, cos I've just missed
out on a career-defining role for you.
And one of the mums from school
thinks I'm a coat thief.
They're trying to
discharge me, Toni!
And I've only just
started to relax!
Ah, for fu
This is what the chalk is for?
Paula Adams PE twagging special?
Yeah. Two sticks of this and, boom,
instant fever, and I can stay.
Can't you just relax at home? Have
you been to my home?
Yeah, it's great. That's because I
do everything!
Then stop.
I can't just stop, Toni.
I'm the thin red line between a functioning
household and abject bloody chaos.
If I go down, we all go down.
Listen, I just let Craig do
everything. Look how relaxed I am.
PHONE DINGS
Shit, shit!
One of the mums in the group chat
saw me walking past oncology.
Now they all think I've got cancer.
Takes the edge off being a thief.
Right, I've gotta go.
Get this bloody coat sorted.
Oh, you beauty.
So I spy with my little eye,
something beginning with
O?
Old slag?
You are really pushing my buttons.
It's lucky for you I can see you're
just a kid,
clearly having a hard time.
So why don't we start again, eh?
Without the shitty attitude.
SHE SOBS
I'm so sorry!
I don't know what I
was thinking, love.
Please don't take my dad away!
Oh, my God, I couldn't! I wouldn't!
Oh Jayelle, I'm not like the others.
I only want to see him two nights a
week.
Why don't we do something to cheer
ourselves up, eh?
Whatever you fancy.
Maybe some shopping?
Shopping? Yeah.
Yeah, you got it. My treat.
All right. Great.
Oh, God, Toni, thank God.
How is she?
What? Oh, Paula? Never mind her,
she's a piss taker.
Just get the engine running, I need
to be in Beverley, like, yesterday.
Buckle up, buttercup! Go, go, go!
Come on, Paula.
You can do this.
Get it up ya.
No! What?
No, no, no! Please
Can I come in? Five minutes!
Five minutes!
Two minutes. Just the coat.
Yeah. Five minutes, I won't be long,
I just need to see about this coat.
Don't go, don't go, don't go!
Please, for the love of God.
Please! I honestly won't be five
OK.
This is nice, isn't it?
Yeah.
Can I buy you a present? With my own
money. To say thank you.
Aw, you don't have to do that.
Please? I'll be really quick.
Aw!
Yeah, go on, then, babes.
Oh Christ, not from there kid.
I don't understand why you've
relapsed.
Frankly, I'm baffled.
Shall I just plug myself back in?
CLAMOURING
I'm so sorry, Mrs Molloy,
we've just lost your bed.
You'll have to go back to
Hull General.
Five kids.
She looked terrible, the poor cow.
I deserve a bloody medal for this.
PHONE RINGS
Rana?
I took her shopping and she's done a
runner. Get your arse here now, Toni!
OK. I'll be back!
I'll be back, I'll be back.
Where is she?!
cheap jeans. Rana!
Thank God. I let her go off on her
own and she hasn't come back.
What did you do that for?
We bonded. You can't bond with a
pre-teen,
do you remember what we
were like at 11?
Yeah, 50% in love with Peter Andre
and
50% pure evil. Shit, I just got
played.
Kids, man, they're little buggers.
Let's go.
Hiya, we've lost a child. Can we put
a call out on the tannoy, please?
What's the child's name?
Oh
I dunno!
Do you know what, sod this.
What you doing?
I might not be good with kids, but
I'm bloody brilliant with fugitives.
Shut this shopping centre down now!
Code 12.
No, she's got pigtails and low
scrunchies.
Excuse me, sorry, have you seen a
young girl, 10, 11?
Oh, my God, where is she?
Rana, she's phoned her dad.
They're outside, let's go.
You left Jayelle on her own?!
She manipulated me.
And her name is
really hard to remember.
Rana, she's 11!
The thing is, Ben, I just don't do
baby-sitting.
I just made an exception for
But I've learnt my lesson.
So this is the end of the road.
OK, probably for the best.
Jayelle?
Stay on the straight and narrow.
Cos if you don't, I'll be waiting.
And I will hunt you down.
I've just given up the best shag
I've had in months.
Christ, I'm normal. Aren't I, Toni?
Toni!
Never leave us again. promise me!
I did an insta post about you being
ill. Thanks for the content, mam.
Are you better?
I will be, but I'm making some
changes when we get home.
Whatever you need. It's not about
what I need, it's what we need.
I'm not doing every
bleeding thing any more.
If my guts explode, we're all buggered.
You're learning to put a wash on,
your dad can help you get that off
your hand,
and you're all being introduced to
the cupboard under the stairs.
It's a wonderland of
cleaning products! Yes, my queen.
KIDS: Yes, mam.
There is just one thing before we
get home.
Tell me you've cleared that water
out from the washer.
It's this. We made it.
Gluten-free. For your IBS.
Sorry about your bowels. Oh.
It's lovely, that.
Ta.
Have a great day. Bye.
Hi!
Erm, I bought this from yourselves,
I took it to the dry cleaners but
they wouldn't touch it because..
between you and me they're a bit
common.
So I brought it back for your
fabulous same-day cleaning service.
Do you have a receipt?
No.
Hm.
And you say you bought this here?
Yes. Yeah.
Excuse me. Sorry.
One moment, please.
PHONE DINGS
VOICEMAIL: This is a message for
Toni.
The role has been filled,
I'm afraid.
Oh good! That's good news!
That's good.
SHE SIGHS
This isn't one of ours.
OK, fine, listen. Right, it's this
mum.
It's this mum from my kid's
pre-school, and she's a bloody nightmare.
If I give it back to her like this,
she'll spread it round that I'm mucky,
so can you please tell me where I
can get it cleaned?
Oh, you can't.
It's a fake.
You what? A fake.
Is it?
And I can't let you leave here with
it.
Sorry.
That's fine, cos why would I want
it? It's a fake.
And I've been running round all day.
OK, no, no, no, that's fine,
throw it in the bin, do whatever
you want with it.
Listen, you have a good day,
won't you and, erm
Bye.
Bye. Bye now.
Right, I'm just gonna come clean to
Leanne. Ha-ha! Good luck.
PHONE RINGS
Hi, Toni. Hi, Ash.
I felt awful about the coat, and not
helping out.
So look what I've got!
My mate's dad
does knock-off stuff.
Oh!
Ashley, you absolute beauty! Go on,
Ash, get in!
Someone's on time today!
There you go, Leanne.
Grace, Grace.
Oi, you. Problem?
You've nicked my Missy's Gucci coat
and replaced it with a fake.
No, I took it by mistake. Anyway,
don't give me that, Leanne,
yours was a fake in the first place.
Excuse me, I don't believe in fake
stuff.
OK, well I went round the whole of
East Riding of Yorkshire today,
trying to get your fake coat
cleaned. Cleaned?!
I knew you couldn't be trusted
to not get muck on it. Listen!
Listen, Leanne. I come from
a very long line of clean people
Oh, mummies!
Amber-wamber thinks someone's a bit
cwoss.
There's an ickle bick of shouting
over here.
Can we pwease use our inside voices?
Amber, that voice make me wanna
punch you. Honest to Christ!
Well. Someone hasn't filled the
kindness bucket today.
Sorry, Amber.
Sorry, Amber.
Sorry, Grace.
So where'd you get it?
My niece got it off some bloke
called Riz.
Same. He's good, Riz.
Knock-off, but high-end knock-off.
Yeah. Well.
Only the best for our girls.
Word to the wise
don't touch his Louboutins.
Mate of mine got lead poisoning
off the red sole.
Good tip.
Why are you walking like that?
Tight shoes. Working on a bunion.
It's my ticket back to that
hospital.
Hiya. Oh, hiya.
Someone dropped out. I got the
job. As what? A right state?
I know that costume. You're peddling
cheese outside Asda's.
I'm a Pleasy Cheesey brand
ambassador actually.
Is this your Carrie Bradshaw?
Yeah. It's decent role, innit Grace?
Mm-hm.
I've built her a rich back story and
everything.
GERMAN ACCENT: I live high up in the
Bavarian mountains.
No family, I don't know who this
child is.
No friends, just the cows
that I milk daily.
I'm an orphan, but don't shed a tear
for me. It's wasted.
Do you get any free squeezy cheese?
Yeah.
MUSIC: Gucci Gucci
by Kreayshawn
Come on then, monkey.
Mind your head.
- Oh, you smell nice.
- Thank you, Daddy.
Oh, wait is this her coat?
I can't see any gravy stains.
GERMAN ACCENT: Let me see the coat.
Turn around. Turn around.
I've never seen this coat before in
my life. It's got lovely details, nice bow.
Why are you doing that voice?
You sound demented.
It's for the audition.
I'm inhabiting my character, Craig.
I'm gonna get this part, I can
feel it.
And get my career back on track.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, get it off!
Schnell, schnell, schnell!
My God, Craig, Craig. It's Gucci!
Gucci?
Who's kid she been playing with,
Kan ye West's?
I'd have taken this cos I'm hurrying
at pick up.
That new teacher's like Minnie Mouse
on Red Bull.
SQUEAKING: "Hello, Grace!"
She's even got her saying
"ickle bick."
Mum thinks she should
be learning Mandarin.
Well, yeah, that will be useful when
she goes to Blue Dolphin Caravan Park.
Just be careful with it, all right?
You know you get things mucky.
I don't get things mucky!
Mate, the car is literally a skip on
wheels.
I mean, when did we last go to
Wimpy?
I do not know zis Vimpy.
Is that too much?
PHONE RINGS
It's Missy Brown's mum. Who's that?
You know her, she's the queen of Botox. She
wears like 20 pairs of false lashes for pick up,
she has to flip her head back to
open her eyes.
She's the one that told you she'd
pierced her own nipples.
Oh, her.
Hiya, love.
You've taken Missy's coat.
Oh well, yeah, I picked it up by
mistake
cos they're the same
colour and material
and quality.
Missy's coat's actually a luxury
item from her uncle
heavily involved
with Formula 1.
Can you drop it off tonight?
Listen, I We're on Kings wood,
the executive side of the estate.
Which is the executive side?
Not near Asda.
Listen, I'll bring it in tomorrow.
Can you at least keep it out of the
way of stuff, please.
Bugger! Bugger!
♫ Is it worth it? Lemme work it
I put my thing down, flip it
and reverse it
♫ Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod
gniht ym tup I ♫
DOORBELL RINGS, SHE SIGHS
Hiya, Queenie, love. Hiya, baby.
Hi, Daddy.
Just checking it's your day with her
tomorrow.
She's got an INSET day.
BEN: No, sweetheart, I'm working.
Oh, 'eck, I've got a big meeting.
I'll sort something.
Hi, love!
Now, then.
You've done well there! Have fun,
love birds.
Get on well with your ex then, do
you?
Oh, yeah. She's got a heart of gold.
My friends always say that about me.
It's actually embarrassing.
Your daughter's cute.
Jayelle, yeah.
She's the angel of my life.
Some girlfriends couldn't handle
that though,
so I had to pull the plug.
Oh, I love kids. Yeah?
I really love kids.
Just need to find a sitter.
I could take Jayelle. I'm off into
town if she likes shopping.
Oh, Rana, she'd bloody love that.
Thank you.
Yeah, all right.
HIGH PITCHED SQUEAL
What coin comes next?
Bring it here. Did you wash my
hoodie?
I've just put a wash on. Can I have
a lift to Luke's?
Er, yeah. I can take you at 7.
I think it's 50p, love. Mam, washing
machine's on the blink again.
Jake, go get tool box.
Guys, guys!
She shouldn't be wearing it, but
look!
La-la!
How nice does Grace look?
Paula, it's Gucci! Grace, my little
Gucci-girly.
Do you want some? Ey, ey, be
careful, that's not mine.
And don't get it mucky with
that mousse.
Oh, my God, can I Instagram her?
I'll blur her face out. Yeah.
Ash, just whack that lasagne in for
me, will you?
Ash! Whack that lasagne in.
Nails are wet.
Jake, while you're out there, will
you get the oven chips from freezer?
I'm sitting Ben the fit fireman's
kid tomorrow.
What do you reckon?
You don't like children.
True.
No of fence.
Good luck babysitting then. I can
deal with a little girl.
And he's the best sex I've ever had.
He slides down poles and puts out
fires.
I mean, gotta make an effort,
'ant ya?
Toni, I deal with hardened
sociopaths day in and day out.
HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL
Oh, my God!
GRACE: Mum
SIREN WAILS
Probably just your IBS, Paula.
Zero Oscar, come in. Any delays on
the Clive Sullivan Way? Over.
Ey up, Line Of Duty.
What's she say?
Having a dig at you on her deathbed.
Bitch.
Aw, it is nice, though, in't it?
To all be out together, like this.
I mean without the kids and that.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Turn the car round.
Let's go line dancing instead.
Ow!
Is Dane here? Yeah, he's looking for
a doctor.
This way. Heal my wife.
Dane, I don't think that's
a consultant.
No, I'm just a cleaner. Oh.
Dane!
Breathe, love, breathe.
Have you told them at work I'm sick?
Yeah, I've messaged everyone in your
contacts.
I've told them you don't owe them
nothing. Right, listen up.
Don't let Ash go to school looking
like Drag Race,
make sure Jake eats something that
isn't beige,
don't be putting no fat
down the sink,
and you know that chicken that's in
the fridge,
sniff it before you cook
it cos it's on the turn.
Mrs Benzil, I think we might be
dealing with a stomach ulcer.
I knew it was your stomach.
Get off me head.
Oh, God.
Hiya. Now, you have fun, you two.
Look at you! Aw, this means so much.
No problem.
See ya.
Shall we go then?
So what do you see in my dad?
Things I can't discuss with
11-year-old girls.
Not his personality then? Of course
his personality.
Oh, sorry.
Force of habit.
Have fun!
Belt on, babes.
Smells expensive.
Only the best for your girl, eh?
Why don't you take this back to
where you bought it, they'll sort you out.
No, no, no. I've got no time today,
I've got an important audition.
Oh, are you an actress?
Yeah. What've you been in that I've
seen?
Did you listen to any radio plays in
the early 2010s?
No telly?
No telly.
Shame. Let's bring it back to the
coat
I'm sorry, I can't help you. There's
no insurance for designer.
Nice chatting, though.
Great.
Mummy's in big trouble.
Oh! You're a tickle bick early.
We're not technically open yet.
Missy's mam's not here, is she? No.
Missy's mummy's not a tickle early
bird who catches the worm, is she, Grace?
Oh!
There she is now.
She must've heard you.
Morning.
PAULA'S FAMILY'S VOICES SWIRL
Oh, my God!
They've kept this a secret!
No, they've kept this private.
You've hit the jackpot, love.
You're overspill for St Elizabeth's.
So soft! So clean!
Is that a menu?
Smoothies on the front. Physio
treatments on the back.
No!
Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.
Hello. I need to call my husband.
He did call for help with the morning
routine, but I said you needed rest.
No, he'll be giving Jake fizzy
pop for breakfast.
Now, Paula, you need to focus on
you.
What level of discomfort are you in?
Erm
My guts are tender, but it wouldn't
stop me doing a big shop.
Now, Paula, I won't allow tender
guts.
How about some pain relief?
I barely feel a paracetamol.
We can do a bit better than
paracetamol.
How about a sense of absolute
well being?
Jack me up, sister!
Hiya, hi.
It's Toni Collan here about
the audition.
I was wondering if you
could see me later, cos, erm
the thing is, my sister collapsed
this morning. Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks, thanks so much. Thank
you, bye.
PHONE DINGS
Ugh, pre-school group chat, what you
ganging up on me for?
Toni! Oh, it's good to see you,
Toni.
Me and Ben's kid, we're just
grabbing a coffee.
This is my mate, Toni.
Any news on Paula?
It's her bloody stomach.
Anyway, how you two getting on, you
having fun?
We're just thinking of what to do
with our really, really long day.
Yeah.
Sorry, I've gotta find somewhere in
Hull that sells Gucci.
There's that boutique in Beverley
that does it.
Do you want a lift?
Road trip to Beverley, yeah?
Road trip! This in't Thelma And
Louise, you know, Rana.
I'm gonna get my head kicked in by
a terrifying mother
if I don't get this coat cleaned and
back on a hook before pick up.
SHE GROANS
These drugs they're magic!
How's our Mrs Benzil doing?
Like the last 17 years never
happened to me.
I'm glad to hear it.
Your test results are all clear.
Most likely a flare-up of your IBS.
Have you been feeling stressed
lately?
Hm, have I been
feeling stressed lately?
Kath!
That's good one, that is!
SHE GIGGLES
Well, you can go home now. HOME?!
PHONE RINGS
Yep. Hiya, Paula.
Listen, I need you to do something
for me!
What? I'm up to my eyes in
bloody Gucci-gate.
Can't it wait?
Right, Toni, I need chalk.
You know like what you write on
a chalkboard with?
Yeah, I know what chalk is.
Promise me! It's life or death here.
What? Has she hung up?
PHONE RINGS
She's not answering, she's not
answering. Right, belts on, bitches,
I'm doing a u-ey.
Got the chalk? Right, good luck.
Could we do a phone audition,
because
something's come up, but I'm
really made for this part.
Yeah, I'm really good at accents.
Shall I do it for you now?
LINE CUTS OU
PHONE RINGS
SHE SCREAMS
This best be urgent, cos I've just missed
out on a career-defining role for you.
And one of the mums from school
thinks I'm a coat thief.
They're trying to
discharge me, Toni!
And I've only just
started to relax!
Ah, for fu
This is what the chalk is for?
Paula Adams PE twagging special?
Yeah. Two sticks of this and, boom,
instant fever, and I can stay.
Can't you just relax at home? Have
you been to my home?
Yeah, it's great. That's because I
do everything!
Then stop.
I can't just stop, Toni.
I'm the thin red line between a functioning
household and abject bloody chaos.
If I go down, we all go down.
Listen, I just let Craig do
everything. Look how relaxed I am.
PHONE DINGS
Shit, shit!
One of the mums in the group chat
saw me walking past oncology.
Now they all think I've got cancer.
Takes the edge off being a thief.
Right, I've gotta go.
Get this bloody coat sorted.
Oh, you beauty.
So I spy with my little eye,
something beginning with
O?
Old slag?
You are really pushing my buttons.
It's lucky for you I can see you're
just a kid,
clearly having a hard time.
So why don't we start again, eh?
Without the shitty attitude.
SHE SOBS
I'm so sorry!
I don't know what I
was thinking, love.
Please don't take my dad away!
Oh, my God, I couldn't! I wouldn't!
Oh Jayelle, I'm not like the others.
I only want to see him two nights a
week.
Why don't we do something to cheer
ourselves up, eh?
Whatever you fancy.
Maybe some shopping?
Shopping? Yeah.
Yeah, you got it. My treat.
All right. Great.
Oh, God, Toni, thank God.
How is she?
What? Oh, Paula? Never mind her,
she's a piss taker.
Just get the engine running, I need
to be in Beverley, like, yesterday.
Buckle up, buttercup! Go, go, go!
Come on, Paula.
You can do this.
Get it up ya.
No! What?
No, no, no! Please
Can I come in? Five minutes!
Five minutes!
Two minutes. Just the coat.
Yeah. Five minutes, I won't be long,
I just need to see about this coat.
Don't go, don't go, don't go!
Please, for the love of God.
Please! I honestly won't be five
OK.
This is nice, isn't it?
Yeah.
Can I buy you a present? With my own
money. To say thank you.
Aw, you don't have to do that.
Please? I'll be really quick.
Aw!
Yeah, go on, then, babes.
Oh Christ, not from there kid.
I don't understand why you've
relapsed.
Frankly, I'm baffled.
Shall I just plug myself back in?
CLAMOURING
I'm so sorry, Mrs Molloy,
we've just lost your bed.
You'll have to go back to
Hull General.
Five kids.
She looked terrible, the poor cow.
I deserve a bloody medal for this.
PHONE RINGS
Rana?
I took her shopping and she's done a
runner. Get your arse here now, Toni!
OK. I'll be back!
I'll be back, I'll be back.
Where is she?!
cheap jeans. Rana!
Thank God. I let her go off on her
own and she hasn't come back.
What did you do that for?
We bonded. You can't bond with a
pre-teen,
do you remember what we
were like at 11?
Yeah, 50% in love with Peter Andre
and
50% pure evil. Shit, I just got
played.
Kids, man, they're little buggers.
Let's go.
Hiya, we've lost a child. Can we put
a call out on the tannoy, please?
What's the child's name?
Oh
I dunno!
Do you know what, sod this.
What you doing?
I might not be good with kids, but
I'm bloody brilliant with fugitives.
Shut this shopping centre down now!
Code 12.
No, she's got pigtails and low
scrunchies.
Excuse me, sorry, have you seen a
young girl, 10, 11?
Oh, my God, where is she?
Rana, she's phoned her dad.
They're outside, let's go.
You left Jayelle on her own?!
She manipulated me.
And her name is
really hard to remember.
Rana, she's 11!
The thing is, Ben, I just don't do
baby-sitting.
I just made an exception for
But I've learnt my lesson.
So this is the end of the road.
OK, probably for the best.
Jayelle?
Stay on the straight and narrow.
Cos if you don't, I'll be waiting.
And I will hunt you down.
I've just given up the best shag
I've had in months.
Christ, I'm normal. Aren't I, Toni?
Toni!
Never leave us again. promise me!
I did an insta post about you being
ill. Thanks for the content, mam.
Are you better?
I will be, but I'm making some
changes when we get home.
Whatever you need. It's not about
what I need, it's what we need.
I'm not doing every
bleeding thing any more.
If my guts explode, we're all buggered.
You're learning to put a wash on,
your dad can help you get that off
your hand,
and you're all being introduced to
the cupboard under the stairs.
It's a wonderland of
cleaning products! Yes, my queen.
KIDS: Yes, mam.
There is just one thing before we
get home.
Tell me you've cleared that water
out from the washer.
It's this. We made it.
Gluten-free. For your IBS.
Sorry about your bowels. Oh.
It's lovely, that.
Ta.
Have a great day. Bye.
Hi!
Erm, I bought this from yourselves,
I took it to the dry cleaners but
they wouldn't touch it because..
between you and me they're a bit
common.
So I brought it back for your
fabulous same-day cleaning service.
Do you have a receipt?
No.
Hm.
And you say you bought this here?
Yes. Yeah.
Excuse me. Sorry.
One moment, please.
PHONE DINGS
VOICEMAIL: This is a message for
Toni.
The role has been filled,
I'm afraid.
Oh good! That's good news!
That's good.
SHE SIGHS
This isn't one of ours.
OK, fine, listen. Right, it's this
mum.
It's this mum from my kid's
pre-school, and she's a bloody nightmare.
If I give it back to her like this,
she'll spread it round that I'm mucky,
so can you please tell me where I
can get it cleaned?
Oh, you can't.
It's a fake.
You what? A fake.
Is it?
And I can't let you leave here with
it.
Sorry.
That's fine, cos why would I want
it? It's a fake.
And I've been running round all day.
OK, no, no, no, that's fine,
throw it in the bin, do whatever
you want with it.
Listen, you have a good day,
won't you and, erm
Bye.
Bye. Bye now.
Right, I'm just gonna come clean to
Leanne. Ha-ha! Good luck.
PHONE RINGS
Hi, Toni. Hi, Ash.
I felt awful about the coat, and not
helping out.
So look what I've got!
My mate's dad
does knock-off stuff.
Oh!
Ashley, you absolute beauty! Go on,
Ash, get in!
Someone's on time today!
There you go, Leanne.
Grace, Grace.
Oi, you. Problem?
You've nicked my Missy's Gucci coat
and replaced it with a fake.
No, I took it by mistake. Anyway,
don't give me that, Leanne,
yours was a fake in the first place.
Excuse me, I don't believe in fake
stuff.
OK, well I went round the whole of
East Riding of Yorkshire today,
trying to get your fake coat
cleaned. Cleaned?!
I knew you couldn't be trusted
to not get muck on it. Listen!
Listen, Leanne. I come from
a very long line of clean people
Oh, mummies!
Amber-wamber thinks someone's a bit
cwoss.
There's an ickle bick of shouting
over here.
Can we pwease use our inside voices?
Amber, that voice make me wanna
punch you. Honest to Christ!
Well. Someone hasn't filled the
kindness bucket today.
Sorry, Amber.
Sorry, Amber.
Sorry, Grace.
So where'd you get it?
My niece got it off some bloke
called Riz.
Same. He's good, Riz.
Knock-off, but high-end knock-off.
Yeah. Well.
Only the best for our girls.
Word to the wise
don't touch his Louboutins.
Mate of mine got lead poisoning
off the red sole.
Good tip.
Why are you walking like that?
Tight shoes. Working on a bunion.
It's my ticket back to that
hospital.
Hiya. Oh, hiya.
Someone dropped out. I got the
job. As what? A right state?
I know that costume. You're peddling
cheese outside Asda's.
I'm a Pleasy Cheesey brand
ambassador actually.
Is this your Carrie Bradshaw?
Yeah. It's decent role, innit Grace?
Mm-hm.
I've built her a rich back story and
everything.
GERMAN ACCENT: I live high up in the
Bavarian mountains.
No family, I don't know who this
child is.
No friends, just the cows
that I milk daily.
I'm an orphan, but don't shed a tear
for me. It's wasted.
Do you get any free squeezy cheese?
Yeah.
MUSIC: Gucci Gucci
by Kreayshawn