Hypothetical (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical,
the show that is, unsurprisingly,
all about hypothetical scenarios.
Any idiot can muddle through real
life, but how will our guests fare
when faced with bizarre
scenarios made up purely
for the sake of entertainment?
I'll be posing two teams of funny
people a selection of vexing
hypotheticals and asking them how
they would deal with them.
For example, if you woke up
in 100 billion years,
would Tony still be in Hollyoaks?
First up, let's meet
tonight's guests.
On my right, Sara Pascoe
and Lou Sanders.
And facing them, Nish Kumar
and the man who deals
with hypotheticals every day.
For instance, if I eat this
Crunchie, will it kill me?
It's diabetic comedian Ed
"every meal's a" Gamble.
All that remains is for me
to introduce my co-host,
the arbiter of hypotheticals.
His word is final, his rule
is absolute, his shoes
are from Clarks.
It's James Acaster.
Jimbo.
Jimbo.
James, what are you doing here?
Talk us through your role.
Thank you, Josh.
I'll be setting the parameters
for each hypothetical,
dealing with any quibbles
or queries, and doling
out the points.
My three signature moves.
Before we start, let's all remind
ourselves why we're here.
James, what are today's exciting
hypothetical prizes?
Today's prizes are a red Ferrari,
a trolley dash through Harrods,
ten Savile Row suits and a spork.
Everything to play for,
especially if you're
about to eat noodle soup.
Right, on with round one,
which is "What Would You Do?" I will
pose a hypothetical scenario
to a member of each team,
and James will score
them on their response.
I'll award each guest up
to five points, from one,
that don't impress me much, to five,
that impresses me much.
And James, before we
start, the house rules.
Yes. House rules are treat others
as you wish to be treated,
and whoever made the
rhyme did the crime.
OK.
Ed, your hypothetical.
Bad news your estranged
great aunt has died.
Good news she was loaded,
and you stand to inherit a small
fortune, on one condition.
You have to get a 150-foot
bronze statue of her idol,
The One Show's Matt Baker,
erected in your home town.
What do you do?
James, the rules.
The statue must clearly resemble
Matt Baker from The One Show,
the statue must remain
there for one year, minimum,
the statue must be no
shorter than 150 foot,
the same height as the Statue
of Liberty, and you can't just buy
the Statue of Liberty
and tweak the face.
OK, Ed, if you're not aware
of who Matt Baker is,
here he is in his native northeast.
There he is.
So, what, the question is I need
to get the statue made and then have
it erected, or I've got a statue
and I need to work out a way
of erecting it without
anyone messing with me?
I'm gonna wager that in the world
a 150-foot statue of Matt Baker
doesn't exist, ever, anywhere.
Right, so I've got to get
that made, for a start.
Maybe Baker's got one,
like, under his patio,
and it comes out like Thunderbird 1.
Would your first idea be to get
in touch with Matt Baker?
I'd have to get in touch
with Baker to get
So how would you get
in touch with Matt Baker?
Er, I would email The One Show.
Chances are it's probably him.
Oh, so, yeah, hang on,
it doesn't specify
No, it has to be the Matt Baker.
Because it would be
a lot easier if it was.
A Matt Baker. It's the Matt Baker.
A Matt Baker.
You could get one made of just
someone called Matt Baker
who no one knows.
I could find a Matt Baker, easy.
Let's not waste your time
on finding a Matt Baker.
Right.
It's got to be the Matt Baker.
It's got to be the Matt Baker.
Have you heard of Google, anyone?
Ha.
I haven't heard of it.
How would I find out about it?
How much money are you getting
from the dead chick?
Yeah.
And how much money is it
costing for Matt Baker?
It is worth
And could you not call my great
auntie a dead chick, please?
Ed, where is your home town?
Where is the statute gonna go?
London.
Oh, London.
Do you know London?
I do. I know it well.
I used to do a tour guide in London,
and there's loads of statues.
They won't notice another one.
There used to be, there used to be
a 150-foot-tall Napoleon,
at, the corner near Buckingham
Palace, and then they buried it
underground cause
they didn't like it.
Not Napoleon. Wellington.
That makes more sense.
Makes more sense, doesn't it?
So in many ways the
opposite of Napoleon.
They were enemies.
In terms of getting the permission,
this sounds like exactly the sort
of crap that's on The
One Show every day.
Ah. Oh, that's a good idea.
Like you could have a whole
feature on The One Show
That's like, "Oh, I'm trying to get,
David Coulthard to ride a llama."
On the television you go.
You would be like, "Oh,
I'm trying to get a statue
of Matt Baker up." They would
definitely do that as a feature.
Yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Make it for charity. Make it for
charity. Make it for
Yeah.
Save a Child or something.
So, we get in contact
with the people
who work for The One Show.
Yeah.
Say, "We're starting a campaign
for charity," and when they ask me
what the charity is,
I just say, "Save a Child.".
Or Save a Child or Two.
Or two.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, cause it's conjoined
twins, but you might only be able
to save one of them.
Oh, do you wanna phone Matt Baker?
Phone The One Show.
Phone Matt Baker, see
if he's interested.
Oh, right. OK, yes.
They're just 1, aren't they?
Yeah.
Matt Baker at The One Show.
Hello, Matt.
I'm surprised I got
straight through to you.
You sound rather more
southern than I've heard
you on the television.
What happened to the old
Geordie voice there?
Oh, I thought I'd swap it out
for something more stylish.
Could you just, for the duration
of this phone call, swap it
back in, please?
I cannae try, Ed.
So, hang on, I just
You just said, "I can't try."
You said you can't try.
I don't claim to know
what the words mean.
I'm doing the best I can, like.
Right, OK. Well, I've got a bit
of good news, actually.
We've started a charity campaign
for some conjoined twins,
and, apparently, and we're raising
money by building a 150-foot bronze
statue of you in my
home town of London.
Ah, I can believe it.
I don't know whether you've just got
back off holiday from Jamaica,
but it's on the cusp.
I think that sounds
proper bo' selecta.
I will be right on board with that.
I'll see you on the flip-flop.
Thank you, Ed.
Do you think you'll get voiceover
work off the back of this?
Yeah, Big Brother.
So, that's gone well.
Mmmhmm.
So now you've got
Matt Baker on board.
Yeah.
So where are you gonna build it?
Um
You grew up in Wimbledon, right?
Yeah, so I grew up in
Wimbledon slash Raynes Park.
OK.
Wimbledon's got
a space on the common.
We could build it right
in the middle of Wimbledon Common.
So would you need to
clear that with them?
What, the area, or?
The Wombles.
Right, I'm just phoning
Uncle Bulgaria.
Phone.
Shall we call the Mayor
of Wimbledon?
You probably should call
the Mayor Wimbledon, actually.
Hold on a second.
Right, I'm calling
the Mayor of Wimbledon.
Mayor of Wimbledon.
Hello, hello.
Is this the Mayor of Wimbledon?
Yes.
Hello, this is Ed.
Rather exciting project
here from one of your favourite
sons of Wimbledon.
Oh, yeah?
I'm running a charity campaign
to get a 150-foot bronze statue
of Matt Baker built
on Wimbledon Common.
It's a charity campaign
for a rather important cause,
and I'm assuming that
you'll be immediately
on board, please.
What's the cause?
The cause is conjoined twins.
For or against?
For.
For? That sounds great.
Hold on, I'll just pass
you to my brother.
So you think they'd do it?
Yeah, I felt pretty won over there.
Yeah.
I mean, he's got Matt Baker on board
with the charity thing.
Yeah.
He's got, then they've got
the council on board with the double
punch of charity and The One Show.
Yeah.
It feels about right.
How many points are you giving Ed?
I'm gonna give Ed four points.
He did very well.
Well done. That was great.
Is there a correct answer?
Yeah, there is a correct answer.
You kidnap the mayor,
get him saved by Baker,
statue within a week.
There you go.
The next question is a head-to-head,
and it is for Lou and Nish.
Come on.
Your hypothetical is.
Thanks, Ed.
You have 24 hours to make yourself
the "and finally" story
on tomorrow's Six O'clock
News, or you die.
What do you do?
James, the rules, please.
They only have space for one
"and finally" story,
you can't just wait until the end
of the news and commit a huge crime,
breaking news doesn't count,
and the story has to be
primarily about you.
You can't just film
a squirrel that has learnt
to water ski.
OK. So, Nish, have you ever
been on the news?
Er, I think I was on the breakfast
news once, but I was just
being interviewed to
promote a television show,
and I was terribly hungover,
in an interview my mother described
as, "Not your finest work."
And your mum hates everything
you've ever done, so.
Not a fan.
Prefers Romesh.
And the nation, if you
look at ticket sales.
Right.
So, Lou, what do you think makes
a good "and finally" story?
What are you looking for?
It's got to be pets.
It's got to be pets.
It's got to be cute.
Heart-warming. It's about the
emotion you feel, isn't it?
It's like all this horror
and sadness, and then
it's like, "Hey,".
A talking dog.
"people are OK.".
Et cetera.
Talking dog.
I think a talking dog is getting,
that's not going to "and finally".
That's going mainstream.
That's the main headline.
No, no, but kind of talking where it
kind of sounds like they're going,
"Hewow," but it's like they're
really just howling.
Oh, Matt Baker's back.
Matt Barker.
Nish, what do you think makes a good
"and finally" story?
I think this.
I think you've got to go down
the route of eccentric local person.
Yeah.
Doing something weird.
Yeah.
I think
Or, I've bred a dog
with another animal.
OK.
Josh, have you heard of a pig?
Yeah.
I have heard of a pig.
Have you heard of a dog?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Have you heard of a pig-dog?
I'm disappointed it's not
a pog, to be honest.
Nish, what are you thinking, Nish?
I'm thinking that maybe I change my
name to a celebrity's name.
I mean, that is a real
self-burn, that one.
I would change
Mate, mate, Romesh is selling.
Just deal with it, OK?
I've changed my name
to Romesh RanganathanKumar.
Right.
Because out of
admiration for my hero.
Yeah.
So I then, and I spend a whole
week dressed as Romesh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Being Romesh.
You need to get a tattoo
of his face on your face.
I've got a tattoo
of Romesh on my face.
That's not, that is not
heart-warming.
It is terrifying.
James, how scared
are you, out of ten?
Well, hold on.
Lou's getting a pig to bang a dog,
and Nish is doing the kind of "and
finally" story if "and finally"
means "just before the apocalypse".
Does anyone like the idea
of a beauty salon for kittens?
This is more like it.
That's the right track.
This is more like it.
That's more like it.
Yeah.
Call it the Talon Salon.
The Talon Salon.
Oh, that is good.
That is good.
The Kitten So Pretten.
Yeah.
We'll work on the name.
I quite like it.
Sitting Kitty. Sitting Kitty.
I can't do everything.
I've come up with the idea.
I quite like Kitten So Pretten.
Kitten So Pretten.
So, Lou.
Yeah.
Kitten So Pretten.
Yeah.
You're gonna start a beauty
salon for kittens.
Yeah, yeah.
And you're gonna get Romesh
tattooed on your face.
Yeah, what Nish is apparently gonna
do is do a British-Asian remake
of Stephen King's Misery.
Oh, and let's not forget
about the pig banging
the dog, please.
Hang on, where does that
come into the salon?
Is that what's happening
at the back of the salon?
That's out the back, yeah.
That's out the back.
The back room.
You have to pay extra.
"Oh, those kittens are looking
pretty pretty." "There's a pig
banging a dog back there.".
It's nice for society,
and it's not bad for the pig
and the dog either.
So, next morning you've
opened your kitten salon.
How are the news gonna see
this as a news story?
You know how a lot of the time in
advertising they use naked ladies?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Naked ladies.
Do you think that's gonna get
the Six O'clock News interested?
James, what are your
thoughts at this stage?
Er. I mean, Kitten So, I've never
really come across an idea
that sounded so promising at the
beginning
and gone so rapidly
downhill.
Just take the bits you
like and work with that.
Shall we see what
the news desk think?
You would presumably have to phone
the news desk to tell them.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
That would be the first
thing you do.
Yeah, yeah.
So this would be kind of midday
on the day of the news.
You need to get them interested.
Right.
Who do you wanna take
the call off first, James?
Er.
Lou.
Kitten So Pretten.
Kitten So Pretten.
OK.
Hello?
Hold on a second.
Have you ever used a phone before?
OK, here we go.
First hurdle, Lou.
Then it rings and he answers.
Right, shut up and listen.
Your life's in danger.
This is more like it.
Sorry, I got off on
the wrong foot there.
I'm on my, I'm very
So, so far you've threatened me.
Sorry, sorry.
It is because of my cycle.
I'm not ovulating.
I'm an absolute dream
when I'm ovulating.
When I'm on my period
I'm a bit more angry.
I'm so sorry about that.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Don't worry, it
happens all the time.
I've just opened a shop
called Kitten so Pretten.
Yeah.
I've got six kittens.
No, no.
This still sounds like a threat.
And also, Lou, for a salon,
the kittens would come in,
wouldn't they?
They come in. They don't work there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.
Tell them about the dog and the pig.
OK. Do you like dogs?
Yeah, I love dogs.
Do you like pigs?
Yeah, I love pigs.
Oh, this is nice.
How do you feel about a dog
and a pig going at it?
I don't see how this relates
to Kitten So Pretten.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but Nish, your Romesh tattoo
is an open goal.
James.
Yeah.
Next call.
I'll have a phone call
from Nish, please.
Yeah.
Is it the Six O'clock News?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Six.
Hello, a slightly
disturbed press reporter.
Oh, hi, slightly
disturbed press reporter.
How's your day going?
Er, OK.
Just before we continue this
phone call, you're not
ovulating, are you?
Ceaselessly.
I've got a great segment
for the Six O'clock News
in the "and finally" section.
Ah, hit me.
I'm a super-fan of the comedian
Romesh Ranganathan.
Oh, who isn't?
I love him. Have you seen him?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm also a fan
of Nish, but anyway.
I'm a fan of both.
Of who?
I have changed my name by deed poll.
Yes.
To Romesh RanganathanKumar.
Oh, what was it before?
What was your name before that?
Oh, irrelevant.
It was Irrelevant Kumar.
OK.
Now, I've also
I do know him, actually.
I've seen him on Mock the Week
and Mash Report.
James, let's somehow
score this round.
Yeah.
Hand out the points, please.
This is a very tough call.
I'm gonna split the points,
cause they're so bad,
but not down the middle.
Nil-nil?
Nish gets three, Lou gets two.
Yeah.
Very lucky.
James, what is the correct answer?
The correct answer is climb
a tree, see what happens.
Sara, here's your hypothetical.
OK.
Our resident mad scientist,
Professor Jenkins, has sent you back
in time to Dallas, November 21st,
1963, the day before JFK was killed.
You must prevent the assassination.
What do you do?
James, can we have the rules?
Yes. The rules are you must
survive, and you're a cat.
May I say, you're
looking rather pretten.
Right, Sara.
OK.
So, what I'm gonna do, then,
is I'm going to call a truce,
it's the first one of all time,
maybe the last one of all time -
with the mice.
All of the mice around Dallas,
I say, "Hey, guys"
Can I just check how the murder
of JFK affected the mouse world?
I'm really so glad you asked this.
Yeah.
You don't know, cause
none of you were born.
People used to like mice.
Right?
They used to respect them.
They used to, go, "Oh, lovely,
there's a little mouse running
through my kitchen."
They used to lay down plates
of cheese and jams.
After JFK was shot,
everyone was really upset,
and they started taking
it out on things that
were smaller than them.
So the smaller you were,
the worse that they were to you.
So you're gonna go to
the mouse world, as a cat.
Yeah, and explain to them,
"Things are gonna get really shit
for you," and they're all, like,
on thrones with crowns on,
saying, "But people love us." Like,
"No, not for much longer."
And so I explain to them
that we need to absolutely get
all around this hillock
because there's going to be someone
there with a gun.
The grassy knoll?
I call it a hillock, cause you have,
like, human names for things.
So you're gonna get them
around there on the day.
We're gonna be in every person's
trousers, running up to see
if they've got a gun or not,
and if they have, just bite
the bullets out.
And that's where the phrase "bite
the bullet" comes from.
Could you picture it
in the context of Dealey Plaza?
Can't really in my head,
maybe if I had a to-scale model?
OK.
I'd be able to do it.
So, I'll bring that out now.
I've got a model so I'll
bring it out now.
Cliff. Cliff, bring the Dealey Plaza
model out right now.
Do I have to ask twice, Cliff?
Jesus Christ.
Oh, he's gonna be dead
already at this rate, mate.
He's dead.
JFK's dead again, you took so long.
So, James.
So, here we've got Dealey Plaza,
all here, so the whole thing,
Sara.
Yeah.
You've got JFK and Jackie
there in the car, driving along.
Yeah.
There's you.
There's a cat there.
I'm the cat, yeah.
Apologies.
That's OK.
Some onlookers.
You've got the grassy knoll here.
Yeah.
Who's in the window?
Cheeky little boy.
Lee Harvey Oswald there.
And also you'll notice that I have
also been transported back in time.
Have you?
Yes, and turned into a dog.
Ah.
James, bad luck, there's a pig
walking towards you.
Right.
So do you wanna play it?
Do you wanna play out the?
With the mice?
Yeah.
Er, so, the mice have gone
into everyone and they're like,
"No, he's clean.
He's clean. She's clean. She's got a
gun.
I'm biting the bullets out."
And then all the mice
have been through.
They've all told me,
so they're like, "OK,
there's someone up here.
He's in the bookshop.
He's got a gun.
He's really suspicious." I went up
there, scratched his eyes out,
now he can't see where he's
shooting, shoots himself
in the chin.
And then check everyone else.
Oh, my gosh, there
is a second shooter.
It's just behind, which is why
the angle is weird, but a mouse has
gone in there and taken
all of his bullets out.
When he tries to shoot it's
just, "Click, click,
oh, it's broken." They whiz down
the road, like this.
Dead.
He's safe. Safe.
You've just Thelma
and Louise'd them.
You had saved his life,
and then you drove him off a cliff.
I really hope someone has turned
on the TV at exactly this point,
and is going, "Is that
James Acaster, Sara Pascoe
and the Kennedy
assassination with cats?"?
And look who's in the background.
It's Irrelevant Kumar.
James, thoughts?
So, I like, I really
like the thought of all
the animals working together.
Yeah. This would be a good
"and finally" story.
"And finally, guess
who saved the president.
A cat and some helpful mice.".
James, are you gonna
award her the points for this
and the last question as well?
Er, I think you know the answer.
Yes.
Yeah.
Very impressive that Sara
managed to solve this one
and the previous one.
If you'd also found time during that
to erect a statue of Matt Baker,
let me tell you, it would have
been off the charts.
But as it is, I'm giving you -
this as close as I'm gonna get,
a 4.5 for that.
A 4.5.
Because it was two at once.
Thank you.
James, what was the correct answer?
The correct answer, for five points,
is that once you're back in time,
you build another time machine
yourself, you go back even further
in time, and then you trade
places with baby Kennedy,
and then you become the first cat
president and you cancel the drive.
That is good actually, that is good.
OK, onto "Not For a Million Quid",
which is my response when James
asks me to go to one
of his life drawing classes.
I want you to draw me like one
of your French girls.
We'll pose a tricky hypothetical
scenario to all our panellists
and ask them what their price
would be to endure it.
Once the offers are in,
James and I will interrogate
the lowest bidder on their methods.
They get three points if we think
they can pull it off.
The question is how much to be
tied to your teammate,
like a three-legged
race, for a year?
James, the rules.
You will be tethered
in the classic three-legged
race style, ankle-to-ankle.
You'll be tethered together 24 hours
a day, apart from ten minutes each
morning to clean slash get ready
slash use as you wish,
and it's the team with the combined
lowest fee that has to do it,
but you cannot confer.
OK.
Any questions before the bidding?
OK.
Well, for a start, Nish looks
so excited he looks like he's
about to write down how much
he would pay to do it.
Best friends tied together?
That's my dream.
And I am here also.
So you say there's this ten-minute
section of the morning.
Yeah.
So all other toilets
will be together.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So my biggest thing, so what about,
I'm in a particularly sexy phase
of my relationship.
OK.
I'll watch.
This I think is going to be
a bit of a dampener,
and you've only got
ten minutes a day.
Yeah, you can use the ten minutes
for whatever you want.
I know. I'm gonna need longer,
is what I'm trying to say.
Oh, showing off.
I am, I am.
I'm experiencing my sexual peak.
So
And I might be busy too.
So there's no other window?
You won't say, "Oh,
unless you're doing adult things,
in which case"
No.
No.
There's no adults things clause.
Ten minutes a day to do
all your business sex,
dumps, sex dumps.
OK.
All the stuff you need.
In a very, very serious situation,
if one of us was hurt and had
to go to hospital.
Yes.
I would just have to go
and sit in the hospital,
or vice versa?
Yeah, I think that's
correct, isn't it, James?
Yeah, unless you wanna, you know
I don't, I don't get sick,
so that's good for you.
Nor, do I?
You don't get sick.
Why do you not get sick, Lou?
Cause I've got a very
good immune system.
Have you?
Yeah.
I didn't expect you
to give that answer.
I thought she was
gonna say crystals.
Yeah, she was gonna say crystals.
We were really setting her up
there for crystals.
Yeah, there's a crystal
in her pocket.
And maybe it's because
of magic as well.
James was a real bully to Lou before
we came out and he threw that
crystal in the bin.
Yeah.
What he didn't know is I've got
three crystals up my foof.
James, while they're doing their
bids, you've done some research.
Yes, I did.
I did some research and I nearly
pulled a hamstring in the process.
Roll VT.
Thanks, lads. James Acaster here,
reporting for Hypothetical.
How much to be tied to your
teammate for a year?
That reminds me of a three-legged
race, which reminds me of school
sports day, which I always came last
in, despite objectively
being the best.
So I've come to a primary school
to take on a bunch of kids at some
school sports day events,
ending with the three-legged race
where my partner will be none other
than Josh Widdicombe.
Let's do this.
How old are you again?
33, mate.
Do you know how old we are?
Old enough to lose.
Usain Bolt would beat you.
Usain Bolt would beat me?
I don't think so.
I would beat Usain Bolt,
if he was nine.
Widdicombe's pulling out
of the three-legged race.
Do you know where I'm sat right now?
On the friendship bench.
You can't dump someone
on the friendship, forget it.
Stu will do it.
You're doing the
three-legged race, Stu.
No, he can wear your kit.
Save your breath.
No. See you in the studio.
Ready, steady, go.
No.
No. No.
Nooooooooo.
Yes.
No. No.
No.
We're gonna do the medal
ceremony, James.
Huh?
We're gonna do the medal ceremony.
Thank you. It means a lot.
I'd like to thank my mother.
Oh, why don't you catch me?
Why don't you catch me?
This is James Acaster,
reporting for Hypothetical.
Back to the studio.
Are we ready for our bids?
Yeah.
So, what we're gonna do,
me and James have discussed this,
we're gonna ask the two sensible
ones from each side first.
OK.
OK, I'm ready.
As am me.
OK. Sara, to be tethered
three-legged to Lou Sanders.
OK.
This is. I put 50 grand.
That is a lot of money.
Yeah.
Kind of, a yearly earnings on its
own, that's a well-salaried person.
Yeah.
I think it would be really
interesting to be tethered to Lou.
And we could write about it.
I want to have an interesting life.
I've done everything.
I've been swimming.
I've been to the zoo.
I've done everything I ever
dreamed of as a child.
OK, Ed.
OK, I love Nish dearly,
but one of the main tenets
of our relationship
is we're apart a lot.
I'm very excited to see
Nish when I do see him.
If I was with him 24/7, I feel like
a lot of that love would go away.
I feel like if we were tied
Ed.
2.5 million.
OK. As if it matters.
I've gone in 500,000,
'cause that's enough for a flat.
500,000.
OK. So
Here we go. 1p.
Unless Nish is, unless Nish
is willing to pay 1.5 million
for the privilege,
what have you gone for, Nish?
I've gone for 5, cause
I would have done it for free,
and I was gonna use the fiver to buy
sweets, cause Ed's got diabetes,
and sometimes he needs sweets,
and also I love sweets.
Ah, Ed, how do you feel?
Free.
I feel free from the
tyranny of Nish's leg.
I feel weighed down
by the lack of friendship.
So, you two win.
We win. We get 5,000 and
We get
550,000.
And the price of friendship.
No, I think the way it works, Sara,
is Lou gets 500,000,
you get 50,000.
Uh-oh.
Oh, it doesn't, we'll add it
together and split it,
though, won't we, Lou?
We're such good friends.
You're with me for a year.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, someone is already
regretting this decision.
OK, tether up.
OK.
Which part of us?
Legs?
What do we do?
Oh, three-legged.
And we're in heels.
I'm really good at sports, though.
And me.
We've got so much in common.
And Sara is as well.
What do you think
your best sport is? Table tennis?
OK, we're just gonna,
so, basically
Egg and spoon.
We should have pointed
out there's a Velcro,
no, forget it.
Do you want me to do a handstand?
Absolutely.
They're telling me in my
ear no, but I say yes.
No. No, don't.
Lou, Lou.
No, no, no, no.
We've lost the money.
We've lost the money cause
of you with your gymnastics.
But I found a crystal.
Please tell me that wasn't
the one in your pocket.
Er, James, three points or not?
You know what? They were both really
positive about it.
I'm gonna give 'em the three points.
I think that's deserved.
Yes.
I think we can all agree
that was deserved.
James, what has that done to A,
the friendships and B, the scores?
Well, the friendships
are on the rocks on this side,
and on this side the friendship
is winning, and they're
winning the game.
It's Sara and Lou in front.
Yeah.
We have asked a series of quickfire
hypotheticals to one of James'
closest showbiz pals.
We just need you to tell
us what they answered.
So, James, who have
you got for us this week?
It's my old pal Colin Jackson.
Ooh.
Oh, my God.
I was introduced to him
by Michael Jackson, and they met
when they were vying for the email
address cooldudejackson@dogpile.com.
And I've got to ask, who got it?
Michael Jackson, but he left it
to Colin in his will.
Right, so what you've got to do
is match your answers
to Colin Jackson,
the former Olympic hurdler.
OK, Nish and Ed.
You take a date back
to your place for the first time.
You leave the room and say
you're slipping into
something more comfortable.
You return wearing the exact
same outfit as one of
the following cartoon bears.
Which do you choose?
A, Paddington.
B, Yogi.
C, Winnie the Pooh.
James, do you know the rules?
Yeah, the rules are you're not gonna
wear a bear costume,
you're gonna wear
the outfit of the bear.
OK.
Yeah.
And word of warning,
if you come downstairs dressed
as Paddington, they will think
they're about to be killed.
Do you want me to just run
you through the costumes?
Yeah, I would love that.
You'll be wearing a duffel coat,
brown hat, wellington boots,
sandwich under hat.
Yogi Bear green trilby,
collar and tie.
Yeah.
This is the issue here, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Simply a red T-shirt.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, let's go through which of
the three you would prefer.
So you've brought a date back.
You're gonna come down in one
of those three outfits,
saying you've slipped
into something more comfortable.
Which would you prefer?
Well, Paddington has a very
pro-immigration message,
which does get me sexually aroused.
Ed, what are you thinking?
I'm thinking that the only,
if you've just brought this date
back and there's no, like,
there's no implicit notion that
you're gonna get down
to it immediately
Yeah.
I think B and C is looking a little
bit MeToo for Colin Jackson,
cause that is naked bottom half.
Paddington, I believe
his rain mac
His duffel coat, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
His duffel coat covers his.
But
But it doesn't make any
sense to say, "I'll slip
into something more comfortable."
And then come back
What were you wearing?
Like a suit of armour?
Can I say from experience, as a man,
I am at my least comfortable
when I'm wearing a T-shirt
and no trousers or pants?
Can I say I think it's really cute?
You'd look comfortable.
It looks really cute?
No, it does.
When a grown man wears
a T-shirt with no pants
It's so cute.
You look like a four-year-old
on the beach.
Oh, yes, please.
Yum-yum.
I'm not saying, but it does seem,
the sentence, "Slip into something
more comfortable," it
does seem comfortable.
Hang on, are you, at this stage -
and it's gonna sound rude
Yeah.
I, I think I know, I reckon they're
just, you're kissing,
I'd say.
Yeah.
Oh, no, I was gonna
say flaccid or erect?
Right, let's get an answer.
Nish and Ed.
I'd go.
I'd go Paddington.
And I'd go Paddington,
and I think
And this is for Colin, yeah?
Yeah, but I think he's
a respectable gentleman.
Exactly.
Right.
So, let's see what
Colin Jackson went for.
Not to brag, not to boast,
but I think I would dress
like Winnie the Pooh.
It would be just hilarious.
Can you imagine?
"Just slip into something more
comfortable," and come back
in a red crop top.
Colin.
No one gets the points.
Colin, you have no chance.
Can I just, what?
Yeah.
Did he, at the start,
imply that he has a?
Massive shlong.
Yeah, that was, that was
Oh, sorry, Nish.
Implicit.
Does that not fit in with
the tone of tonight's show?
OK, Sara and Lou.
OK.
We asked Colin Jackson you have
to do one of these at a wedding.
Which do you do?
A, Cut the cake before the couple
and help yourself to a large slice.
Oh, yes.
I did that once.
Here we are. The first of three
that you did, I imagine.
No, no, it was,
it was a birthday cake.
Oh, it was a birthday. That's fine.
So it's not as bad.
Right, B, pull the father of
the bride's trousers down
during his speech.
C, propose during the signing
of the marriage certificate.
Hang on, so
I think C is hilarious.
That is funny.
And I think anyone who doesn't
like that is taking
themselves too seriously.
James?
What?
I don't know why I.
I'm sorry.
For the first time all series,
I don't know why I'm being called
upon.
I don't know why
I'm calling upon you.
Sorry.
You were looking at your card.
Were you about to propose to me?
Cutting the cake is really
rude and very greedy.
I think Colin Jackson
has excellent manners.
I don't think he'd ever pull down
the trousers of a father
doing a speech.
You could do A, because you dress it
up and be like, "Oh,
I was gonna have a
diabetes, like, fit."
Hypo.
Oh, yeah, thanks for learning
all the proper information.
"Oh, you're gonna have one of your,
your, you're gonna whine
about it again."
Yeah, yeah.
Ed, can I just ask
Look, it's not a real condition
if you can treat it with cake.
Ed, can I ask, from a genuine
And you can't treat it with cake
cause the fat content's too high.
Go fuck yourself.
Right, so.
Has this chap we're calling Colin?
Colin Jackson, yeah.
Yeah, Colin Jackson.
We asked you to look him
up before the show.
I'll look him up now I know he's
got a massive shlong.
I don't think he'd be interested,
Lou, if you had read your
research on him.
So what are you gonna go with?
A.
Let's see what the answer is.
I would pull down the trousers
of the father of the bride
during the speech, because I've done
it before, something very similar
with the athletics team.
Um, one of my colleagues was giving
a speech and down came the trousers.
No one gets any points.
What a shame.
Don't worry.
OK.
We asked Colin Jackson
would you prefer your signature
to take 12 minutes to write,
or be a cock and balls?
Well, if the signature is his cock
and balls it would take 12 minutes
to write anyway.
That's brilliant.
Right, so, let's see
if you're right.
My signature is cock and balls,
gone, out of there.
There you go.
Nothing takes me 12 minutes.
I mean nothing.
It's happening with him now.
We've got on his level, haven't we?
Ed and Nish have taken the lead.
Before the final decisive question.
It's the big one.
It's the one we do every show.
Oh.
Sara and Lou.
Mmm.
We asked Colin Jackson
big hat or small hat?
James, the rules.
You must wear it every day
for the rest of your life,
you can't cover the small
hat with a medium hat,
and these are the hats.
If you get this right, you win.
If you get it wrong, you lose.
Wow, the stakes are so high.
All on the hat.
The stakes are so high.
Just to make it clear
He's definitely, definitely,
definitely gonna say big hat.
I think big hat.
And he's gonna put it straight
on and it's gonna look great
and he's gonna be confident.
Mmm.
And then he's gonna stand
up and we'll find out
he wasn't wearing trousers.
OK.
Um, big hat, then, please.
Big hat for Colin Jackson.
Er, yeah. Yeah.
Let's see.
Oh, I hope we get it right.
Well, I've got my hand
on a ridiculously small hat
and a ridiculously big hat.
For me, I'd be attracted
to the small hat.
Oh.
Oh, what a sad ending.
What a sad ending, but that's that.
James, who are today's winners?
Well, the winners, and I can't
believe I'm saying this -
it's Ed and Nish.
Yes.
Yes.
Tied together in friendship.
Tied together in friendship.
Congratulations to Ed and Nish.
You've proved your worth
in a non-existent, hypothetical
universe.
You are this week's winners.
James, the hypothetical prize.
Yes. Well, as I made perfectly clear
earlier, the red Ferrari,
a trolley dash through Harrods,
ten Savile Row suits and a spork,
those were hypothetical prizes.
So, what is the actual prize?
It's a day of pampering
at Kitten So Pretten.
Thank you to my guests,
Sara, Lou, Nish and Ed.
Super-special thanks
to my co-host James Acaster.
Goodnight.