I Feel Bad (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - [beeping.]
- That's our alarm going off an hour earlier than usual, 'cause with three kids and two jobs, there's never enough time in the morning.
But Mama figured it out.
[singsong.]
Baby, get up.
It's time to do it.
Mm, I don't wanna.
Too early.
Oh, come on.
Don't make me do it all by myself.
No, I don't know if I can get the little guy up.
He's not so little anymore.
Wait, what are we talking about right now? Getting the kids to school on time.
Mm, yeah, yeah, kids.
I knew that.
God, you still wake up like this every morning? Mm.
What a waste.
Okay, we're tricking the kids by setting the clocks an hour ahead, 'cause we're the family who's always late for school and work, and I'm tired of sucking at life.
- Eat! Good morning.
- Why is it still dark out? It's double daylight savings time.
Here, eat your breakfast.
Let's see if we can find any clean coffee cups in this filthy hellhole.
Holy moly, you're awake already.
Yep, we're crushing it.
You're not crushing it, man.
You want to see crushing it? Look at the Walkers.
They're already reaching the peak of their sunrise hike.
Come on, we've got a good little bunch here too.
- Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie - [gasps.]
Mom, you know how fake that Instagram family you're obsessed with is, right? Oh, you're just jealous because you ain't got no content.
Oh, I just wish this family would do one thing to make me feel hashtag blessed.
Oh, no, we are, because we are hashtag on time for school.
We're on time.
Great, let's go.
Bye, I love you.
Okay, great, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Wait, I forgot about my homework.
- It's fine.
We'll do it in the car.
- Yeah.
Okay, I'm just supposed to do a report about Abraham Lincoln, build a log cabin, and dress up like him.
Hashtag morning fail.
[sighs.]
Do you have a top hat? We didn't have time for anything except faking the worst costume in history.
- Costume.
- Costume.
- Stapler.
- Stapler.
- Log cabin.
- Log cabin.
Here you go, yes.
Are you guys sure this is good? Sometimes you just have to tell your kids the truth.
Honey, it's not good.
It is great! This is not one of those times.
[upbeat music.]
- - - - And here we are late again, stuck in the usual school drop-off hell.
These people take their costumes too seriously.
Okay, come on, enough with the kissing.
They're going off to Tuesday, not college.
We got a spot.
We got a spot.
Yes! Aha, aha.
Ah, yes! Work hard.
Be kind.
Love you.
Get out.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, sorry, the fast lane is a new perk for honor roll students only.
I guess somebody didn't read the school newsletter.
Sorry, how do you know that we're not an honor roll family? Because you don't have a sticker And your child is drinking syrup.
Louie, stop drinking your homework.
Just move it back into the other lane, okay? Thank you.
Okay, that's cultural appropriation.
Namaste.
I know, I know I'm late.
I know, I know.
I got screwed by the honor roll fast lane.
Okay, just tell me you guys started working on the creature designs.
The creature designs.
No, of course you didn't.
Did you at least save me a plain bagel? No, all that's left is the bottom half of a blueberry.
It's not our fault, okay? The jocks took all the good bagels.
Okay, they're not jocks.
They're nerdy sports game developers.
I don't know why you guys let them intimidate you.
The guys had always been disgruntled because they didn't get roof access while the sports guys did.
Hey, dudes.
You want to join us on the roof? Oh, yeah, you can't.
Roof access is a big dog perk.
[imitates barking.]
The meaner the jocks were to the guys, the more the guys wanted to hang out with them.
Man, those guys are frickin' cool.
They are such big old d-holes.
If all it took was being a d-hole, you'd be on the roof already.
Oh, my God, thank you, Norman.
You know what? You guys deserve roof access, and I deserve an honor roll sticker even if I don't have an honor roll kid.
I deserve a blue badge.
That's it: I can make one.
Make an honor roll kid, at your age? Not a kid, Chewey, a sticker.
I can make a sticker.
Right.
You know what, fire up the Photoshop.
Let's go, move it.
Move it.
And just like that, I had an honor roll sticker.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Hey, volunteer mom, who wants to [bleep.]
with me? You want to try [bleep.]
ing with me today? Mom, language.
God, I thought you had your headphones in.
Ah.
Work hard.
Be kind.
Love you.
Get out.
[clears throat.]
Oh! Sticker.
Left it at home last time.
Bye, bitch.
Don't mind if I do.
Ow! Hey, Lily, is that your sticker? No.
Huh, then how'd Mom get one? I got my ID swipe on at 8:59, baby players.
Almost took the stairs 'cause I'm nasty.
I'm a punctual baller, son.
Oh, I'm all about that on-time life, am I right? I've been here since 6:00.
Thank you very much for that.
Appreciate you.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I'm here.
Hi, pretties.
[gasps.]
Hello, all the bagels.
Oh, you're so plain.
[kisses.]
Okay, let me see some sketches.
Well, I have about 50 - Great.
- Of the roof deck.
What? You know, the one that we're excluded from.
See, I'm thinking that there is a fountain surrounded by velvet chaise lounges.
I love a chaise lounge.
Is it a couch? Is it a bed? I meant for work, Chewey.
Oh, then no, sorry.
I get obsessed.
Ever since I was a kid, I would sketch things I couldn't experience, you know, like prom or pfft other kids' birthday parties or parents in a happy marriage.
Bet those jocks are up there right now you know, talking about hoops and beers and touchdowns, hanging out in some sick-ass grotto underneath, like, a frickin' waterfall.
Just pbbt oh.
Just a friggin' waterfall.
That's why we can't get a good flush going down here.
It's classist, okay? A good flush is a fundamental human right.
It's about dignity.
Guys, stop, okay? Listen, if I can get to work like a punctual baller, you guys can get roof access like sneaky ballers.
But first get back to work like worker ballers.
Can you stop talking like that? [muffled.]
No.
It's fun.
Ugh.
Okay, you heard bagel baller.
- Get back to work.
- Yeah.
I'm making a fake badge.
We're getting on that roof.
Yes! [clears throat.]
Sorry, that was decades in the making.
After slaying it at work, I even had time to make a nutritious meal for my family happen.
What, hot deli.
What is the occasion? I don't know, just killing it at life, I guess.
Oh, what a wonderful mother.
Thanks, Mom.
Not you, Mrs.
Walker.
She made her family frittatas with fresh veggies from her garden.
Why is she in a bikini in every photo? I imagine her kitchen is very hot.
You know, Mom, I could Photoshop the best version of us too, but I don't want us to be a family of liars.
Trust me, all their deceit will catch up to them someday.
- Mom, Mom.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I know about the sticker, Mom.
Oh, God, it's caught up to me.
Okay, honey, listen to me.
I can explain.
You don't have to.
You tried to keep it a secret so Lily wouldn't feel bad.
I made the honor roll! - Ah! - [thud.]
Thumbs up if you're okay.
- [overlapping chatter.]
- You, you, you! Chh! Pccch! You forged an honor roll sticker.
Okay, okay, so I rigged the system a little, but the system sucks.
The school is giving free fast passes to kids who are already ahead when it is mediocre people like us who need the extra time, - and you know it.
- Wow.
Do you know how awesome it was to have a five-minute drop off? It's not appropriate to Five minutes? Door to drop-off.
We can't let Louie think that he earned something that he didn't earn.
Bad parenting, bad.
Oh, I know.
I will go tell him the truth.
Okay, good.
[sighs.]
Wow, five minutes door to drop-off.
You know, I did make an extra sticker for you.
- No.
- Damn it.
Hey, buddy, can we just talk for one Are you doing homework? You know, Mom, being on the honor roll is so cool.
Yeah, sweetie, about that.
All my friends are good at stuff.
Judson plays baseball.
Leah draws cartoons.
Keegan was on "The Good Wife.
" But now I'm finally good at something too: school! Louie's finally proud of himself, and I'm about to take it all away.
What a wonderful mother.
Enough with Mrs.
Walker, Mom.
- Oh, not her.
You.
- What? When Indian moms are proud, they feed you sweets, or so I've heard.
A son on the honor roll.
Oh! You're just killing him.
It, Mom.
I'm killing it.
So we just keep lying to him? All I'm saying is, we've always treated Louie like some sort of late bloomer.
We rebrand him as an honor roll student, and, look, he's motivated to become one.
And this has nothing to do with the fact that your mother's being nice to you? No, no, of course not.
I'm a grown woman.
I don't need my mother's approval.
[speaking Hindi.]
What's happening? Number one dad! Way to go, chief.
[laughs.]
Oh, I think your mom just tipped me.
Yeah, it's an Indian thing.
She's proud of you.
- Feels really good.
- I know, I told you.
Look, 20 bucks.
- Oh, God, look at it.
- There it is.
We need to duplicate that badge to get to the roof.
- Coast is clear.
- I do believe we are clear.
Hang on, whoa, whoa, who's this? Oh, no, wait.
Oh.
Well, knock me down with a feather.
I thought you were morally objected to stealing a badge.
I am.
It's wrong.
I got here early to catch the new girl in the parking lot.
She pulled up in her Subaru, sun dancing off her nose ring, and I was like, "Good morning.
" And she said, "Hey, Gorman.
" [sighs.]
So close and not even a name.
Yeah, well, she seems dumb.
So, okay, let's do this.
- [breathy whistle.]
- Okay, go, go, go.
Oh, just gonna do my morning stretches.
Oh, nothing unusual about that.
Doing my normal morning routine.
Ooh.
That was way more chill than I thought it was gonna be.
Look at us.
We're like James Bond and James Bond's friend.
[imitates playing tune.]
Idiots.
They've got no idea.
Guess who made it in early again thanks to the sticker? This guy.
Coffee's on me.
Be warned, you're all tangled up in a web of lies that's just gonna keep getting tanglier and stickier until the spider of truth descends on you and everyone you love and poisons you with the sting of regret.
Yeah, I don't care.
I picked a book from the advanced reading list at the library, and 'cause I'm smart, they gave it to me for free.
They're free for everyone.
What? How do they stay in business? Oy.
Mom, I'll take my ice cream now.
Wait, we get weekday ice cream? Are you pregnant again? No, no.
Hate to be this guy, but Mom said we only get weekday ice cream if we made the honor roll.
The H is silent, you little ding-dong.
It's not fair.
I study way harder than him.
I should be getting ice cream.
I'm sorry, Lily.
Psst, I'll get you dessert.
I don't know when or how, but, by God, I will.
Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We'll watch "The Voice" in bed later.
I love you.
What do you think, huh? Does this say, "I am proud of my family," but also, "Look at me"? Wow, are you just really late for prom? It's for the honor roll ceremony tomorrow.
Don't you read the school newsletter? Yeah, I do, a lot.
I can't wait to Instagram my little Louie receiving his certificate.
So does Number One Mama want to have her hair done with me tomorrow, huh? - My treat! - Whoa, man.
Norman was right.
I'm in a web.
When you're in this deep, the only thing to do is Oh, yeah, ah.
sink even deeper.
I know I'm headed for disaster.
Dear God, this woman has magic fingers.
But I will get out of this mess right after thiiiiiiis! All right.
Okay.
Let's go through the checklist with things we need for the roof mission.
Badge? - Check.
- Okay.
Yeah, that's everything.
- All right, we're good.
- Uh, hold on.
Integrity not check.
Oh, man, okay, you know what? You can keep your integrity down here, but guess who's on that roof is your dumb nose ring hippie girl, mm-hmm.
- You serious? - Uh-huh.
Subaru Girl is in the sports division? - She do.
- Think about it.
She might let you close enough to taste her natural oils.
- She doesn't wash.
- Ooh Why would you want her to? Damn it, I'm in.
Whatever.
- Yes.
- I'll do it.
- Okay.
- Good boy.
Well, I think we found our new creature design.
We just got to coax it off Emet's head.
Okay, shut up, Griff.
I'm in deep.
Apparently there's an honor roll ceremony.
How hard is it to hack into Louie's school? - [beeping.]
- I'm already in.
- You are, really? - No, not really.
You think I'm going to hack into a children's school with this predator stache? Well, well, well, Medusa, seems like a little spider might have climbed down and visited you.
It looks like it's time to come clean to your son.
[chuckles.]
That was a joke, right? You are joking, yeah, because that is madness.
I mean, sure, yeah, maybe three days ago, absolutely fine, hunky dory.
But not now.
It's too late.
I mean, little Louie, he'll be crushed.
And your mum? Well, she's gonna have ammo on you for years.
No, you are trapped.
There is no way out.
You're trapped, damn it! Sorry, this whole roof mission thing has got me really on edge.
He's right.
There's only one option.
I have to leave my family.
Or you could just buy your kid off.
[gasps.]
Or I could buy my kid off.
We can't buy our kid off.
We have to come clean.
Oh, oh, sure, let's go tell that sweet face to put his book down and try to get an audition for "The Good Wife" because he's dumb again.
Laser tag? That sounds rad.
Okay, yeah, laser tag.
Did someone say laser tag? - Mom said laser tag.
- Someone did.
Hey, you know how you're always trying to get me to go to Laseropolis and I'm always like, "No, 'cause it's hell and I hate it more than anywhere.
" She hates it worse than my parents' house.
Yeah, totes.
Well, guess who got VIP passes? Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! Mom.
But they're only good for today.
What, they're only good for today? They're only good for today.
We have to go today.
Which means you'd have to miss the honor roll thing, but, I mean, who wants to go to some sort of honor roll ceremony when you could go play space wars with a bunch of kids who are hopped up on hormones and Slurpees? - Pew! - Bam! Nah, I want to go to the honor roll thing.
- We have to leave our family.
- It's the only way.
[device beeping.]
We're Oscar Mike.
Watch my six.
[suspenseful music.]
This is exciting.
[loud clang.]
What the hell was that? Game over.
Abort! Abort! Abort! Hello? Shh.
[whispers.]
Good-bye.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Um Today we become men.
Let's do it.
Okay, man.
[clears throat.]
Whew.
[device beeps.]
[exhales.]
I feel alive.
[Muzak plays.]
Take a good one, Googaloo.
Everybody say "honor roll.
" All: Honor roll.
- [camera shutter clicks.]
- Ha ha! - Okay.
- Okay, listen, after my mom gets her perfect Instagram picture, follow my lead, okay? Okay, we've got the money shot.
- Let's go.
- That's not the Uh.
[coughs.]
Oh, God, oh, sorry.
Give me one second.
I'm not feeling so well.
- What's up? - I think I'm gonna throw up.
So throw up.
Come on, let's go.
I'm worried if we're late, all the cake will get eaten.
Uhh.
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, it's hitting me too.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
You know what? I'll bet it's from all that bagged chicken Emet makes us eat.
It feels like we have Food poisoning.
I think it's that because it usually it hits the mother first.
We should probably go before we puke all over and bring shame to our family.
David, go get the car.
Oh, wait, wait.
I see someone who can help.
It's the Walkers! Dr.
Walker, hello.
You have got to be kidding me.
Those people actually exist? Oh, Dr.
Walker, thank God.
My daughter and her husband are sick because she won't cook.
- Can you help? - I'd be happy to help.
When did the pain start? Four days ago.
[coughs.]
Ah.
This might not be food poisoning.
I suggest we head to the ER.
Mommy, are you dying? We'll be orphans.
They're gonna split us up.
And it's gone too far.
Okay, okay, stop it.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Okay, I can't do this anymore.
I'm not dying.
I'm fine.
I'm a liar, okay? Louie's not on the honor roll.
But I'm sure you had a good reason for doing it, so let's just go to dinner.
Buca di Beppo's? [suspenseful chords.]
[gasps.]
We made it.
Is this really happening? I love you guys.
Ah, no, no touching.
What? Uh That's the waterfall? Oh, she's a smoker? And a murderer? - [percussive music.]
- Oh The jocks are doing yoga.
This is some serious bitch-ass-ness.
Never meet your heroes, man.
Oh, God, we've had a ball pop out.
We have confirmation on testicle.
Get back in the elevator.
Come on, go! - Yeah, yeah.
Go, go.
- Come on! You faked an honor roll sticker? I get a new phone now, right? Yeah, probably.
Look, honey, I am so sorry.
All your dad and I want is for you to feel better about yourself, okay? And maybe get ready a little faster in the morning.
Can you forgive us? Yeah, actually, I'm relieved.
I couldn't figure out how I got on the honor roll.
I do not try.
Buddy, okay, I'll tell you what.
We'll lie a little less, and you try a little more, okay? All right, everybody happy? Everybody's happy.
- Buca di Beppo's! - Yes! No Buca di Beppo.
You made me a glamorous fool.
So where's my apology? Fine, Mom, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you don't get the perfect Instagram daughter.
You get me.
Okay, I'm always late.
I currently have a dirty diaper in my purse.
I haven't done my laundry in two weeks, so I'm wearing a leotard as underwear, and I was willing to spin a web of sticky little lies just to have my mom shove love cake in my mouth.
Wow, that's pathetic.
- Hey.
- Excuse me.
No, no.
Nobody talks to my wife like that except her own mother.
And I've earned it.
This is a wonderful mother.
No, she doesn't prance around in a bikini like Mrs.
Dr.
Walker, but she could, and it would be hot.
Lately, she's doing a lot of the one-piece thing, okay, but I really miss those bikinis, man.
- You do? - Yes.
Baby, I can still do a bikini.
- Yeah? - Yeah, just give me a little heads up.
Yeah, well, consider this your heads up.
You know, as a doctor, I've seen some pretty sick people but you guys take the Cake! I took it! Run! Run! Run, run, run, run! Go, go, go! - Come on, Mom.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, the baby, the baby, the baby! Okay, excuse me.
Just gonna Yes! [laughter.]
You see, I told you I'd get you dessert.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Hey, Louie, I hope you know that your dad and I think you're a smart and capable kid, okay? Here, have some cake.
[gags.]
The spoon touched my dingle dangle.
Mmm.
I am proud of you, okay? Thanks, Mom.
And I'm sorry that you have to take the honor roll picture off of Instagram.
Are you crazy, man? I'm not going to take that off.
Once it's on the Internet, it's true.
Well, who am I to judge? I'm eating stolen cake.