I Hate My Teenage Daughter s01e03 Episode Script

If I'd known we were gonna be looking at dresses all morning, I would've brought a snack.
Yeah, me, too.
oh, sophie! You girls look so beautiful! Not these.
What are you doing? Stop saying they look beautiful.
They hate everything we like and love everything we hate, Except for school, Which I think we can all agree is a big waste of time.
I can't believe we're getting our daughters dressed For a cotillion.
I mean, before you know it, We're gonna be getting 'em dressed for their weddings.
God help those poor bastards.
The father-daughter cotillion Was always my favorite growing up.
Really? I thought you hated dances.
Normally I did, but this was the only dance Where your father was supposed to be your date.
Plus, the dresses had so many frills and stuffing, Everybody looked like they had a glandular disorder, Not just me.
Sounds magical.
It took three people to stuff me and my taffeta dress Into the passenger seat of daddy's el dorado.
We got 200 yards down the road Before the a.
C.
Blew my skirt into his face And we crashed into a mailbox.
That's how daddy lost his eye.
Oh.
I never got to go to any dances.
But I did get to wear a beautiful dress once, When billy graham came to town.
I hiked it up so my ankles showed.
Mama said that's why god gave me whooping cough.
I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact That she refused to inoculate me.
oh, sophie! I hate that dress.
Go change.
Who is this brazili prostitute oh, my god! Oh, hey, jack.
Get any murderers out of jail today? If you're referring to my client crazy ray, He was found innocent.
But you may want to keep your windows locked For the next few days.
You're just his type.
Hey, I hate to ask this, But sophie's cotillion is coming up-- Already got my tux cleaned.
It's not an uncle-daughter dance.
It's a father-daughter dance.
Don't you think matt should take her? Oh, absolutely.
And don't forget, You and sophie have waltz lessons all this week.
Oh, I know how to waltz.
I've known how to waltz since college.
That's weird.
Tell that to the cornell university waltz society.
First of all, it's not weird.
It's sad.
Second, matt's not always dependable, But it is sophie's cotillion.
Don't you think he wants to be there for her? Matt always wants to be there for sophie.
It's just he gets distracted so easily.
There's a band emergency or drinks with the boys, Or once, believe it or not, Two squirrels doing it in a tree.
Yes.
Anyway, that's why I always have jack as my backup.
I call myself the jackup.
I shouldn't call myself that.
No.
But I do appreciate you always being there for sophie.
Hey, I enjoy it.
The only thing I didn't like was taking her To those soccer games, and I don't have to do that anymore.
He got banned for yelling at 8 year olds.
8 year olds with their heads up their asses.
hey, listen.
I need to talk to you about sophie's cotillion.
Okay.
Well, whatever it is, I'll explain it to her.
Jack's got it covered.
What do you mean "jack's got it covered"? I'm taking sophie to the cotillion.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna start doing A lot more stuff with her.
I really need to be around more.
What's going on? Did you hear "cat's in the cradle" on the radio again? No, I got detained at sophie's school When I went to pick her up.
Nobody believed I was her father.
They'd never seen me before.
I had to tell them I was "uncle jack's brother.
" Had to drop the j-bomb, huh? Stop making up names for yourself.
I'm taking sophie to this dance.
Okay.
Well, that school doesn't know anything.
You are a good dad.
Dance is at 8:00.
Hey.
Thanks for coming over so fast.
Where'd that come from? Found it jammed up in your back bumper.
That's weird.
I wonder who put it there.
So what'd you want to see me for? You have got to see how pretty mackenzie looks In her cotillion dress.
Mackenzie, entre nous! Oh, my god.
Honey You look beautiful! You look so Grown-up.
Thank you, daddy.
memories light the corners of my mind Dad, can you please do something? She's been doing this all week.
I can't help it.
Every time I see her in that dress, I just get a little emotional.
Just yesterday, she was my baby.
misty watercolored memories Oh, my god.
Mom! Why do you have to be so embarrassing, Like, all of the time? You know, I really wish You weren't even going to my cotillion 'cause you just ruin everything.
Hey.
Unh-unh.
How dare you talk to your mother like that.
Everything she does is out of love for you.
I want you to apologize to her right now.
I'm sorry, mom.
I shouldn't have talked to you like that.
Now go to your room.
Thanks, gary.
Listen, nik, The thing you understand about mackenzie She's right.
That is not fair.
She thinks everything I do is so embarrassing, And everything you do is so cool.
She only thinks that because it's true.
Okay, fine.
I won't go since I'm so embarrassing.
Of course you should go, nikki.
I'm just asking you to tone it down, for mackenzie.
I guess I could do that.
Also, start wearing your glasses.
This could've been a child.
Hi, honey.
How did dance rehearsal go? I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, my god.
Your dad didn't show? I knew it.
Hey, you got a couple of squirrels going to town Out there if you want to take a look.
Wait.
You went? Then what's she so upset about? Oh.
She's just having a hard time picking up the waltz, Kinda like you at our wedding.
I danced great at our wedding.
Yeah.
That's 'cause you were dancing with me.
How did you get to be so good at this? Who do you think jack's summer waltz partner was? You know, you--you have to get her a corsage.
I already ordered it.
Lavender's still her favorite flower, right? You remember that? Of course.
Hey.
Who's this justin larsen guy? She was texting him the whole way back in the car.
We gotta keep our eyes on that.
"we"? Mm.
Okay.
We.
Hmm.
So I should probably go check on sophie.
Hey, I'll do it for you.
"for you"? I don't understand what's happening.
Hey.
I left, like, three messages last night.
You never called me back.
You don't have another friend, do you? No.
I was just out to dinner with sophie And matt.
Really? You guys sure have been spending a lot of time together lately.
It was just dinner.
Then we all came home, and sophie went to bed.
Matt and I watched a movie.
No uh-oh.
That's all we did.
Watched a movie and drank a bottle of wine.
Oh, calm down.
Look, honey, I'm not judging.
Every now and then, gary and I get caught up in a moment.
We're like friends with benefits, Except he has to pay me money every month.
Oh, my god.
I did not sleep with matt.
And I did not sleep with gary, Because I can tell by the tone of your voice that is not okay.
Okay, I would never hook up with matt.
Oh, right.
Because of your feelings for jack.
No! I would never hook up with jack.
Because of your feelings for matt.
No! Why are you here? Am I embarrassing? Yes.
Well, you're in love with two brothers.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
I'm so glad you came.
Oh, I knew it.
Matt didn't show.
It's okay.
I've got my tuxedo in the car.
Tell sophie the jackup is on the case.
Yeah, I decided to keep using it.
Actually, um Everything's okay.
Matt's here.
Oh, good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Yeah, he showed up on time, brought sophie flowers, And she's beaming.
Beaming.
Beaming.
Beaming.
Beaming.
I know.
I'm just as surprised as you are, But he really came through.
That is perfect.
I'm glad he's turned a leaf here.
I mean, sure, I get the orthodontist appointments And the p.
T.
A.
Meetings, And he gets to waltz with sophie, Even though I'm the former president Of the cornell university waltz society.
Aw.
Jack, I'm sorry, but you know how much you mean to sophie.
Hey, uncle jack.
I'm so sorry you're not going with us.
Are you, kiddo? Yeah.
I wanted you to see how great dad is at waltzing.
He's the best.
The best at what? Waltzing? Is that what you're saying? Your dad is the best at waltzing? Jack.
I'm sorry.
He's your dad, And of course you think he's the best.
And I would never try to that away from you With articles or trophies, Video footage of me winning numerous awards.
Have a great night.
Wow.
The girls are looking beautiful tonight.
Matt! Oh.
Yes, they are.
You look really nice tonight, too.
Thank you.
You Look kind of okay yourself.
that's funny, 'cause I know how rockin' I look.
You know, I've got to admit, matt, You have really come through tonight.
It means a lot to sophie.
Well, she is my daughter.
I don't care what her school says.
And you know what? It means a lot to me, too.
I forget you're a good guy sometimes.
And I forget that you're not a constant nag.
Look at us getting along.
Great song, huh? You wanna dance? Sure.
The dance floor's crowded.
Why don't we dance over here? Oh, my god.
Now my dancing's embarrassing? It's fine for me.
I have an adult sense of humor.
But mackenzie's not there yet.
Well, if I can't dance, there's nothing left to do but eat.
Sure.
Let's eat.
I'll go get you a plate.
You wait over here.
God! That's embarrassing, too? When mackenzie was little, she used to love it When I sang or danced or burped the alphabet.
Now she's all, "mom, stop.
We're at the museum of tolerance.
" Gary, what happened? What happened to my little girl? My little baby? That's it.
Let it all out.
Two club sodas, please.
Plenty of ice.
Hey.
Aren't you in the frontier boys? yeah.
I've seen you play, like, ten times.
Do you remember me? Yeah.
You're that dude.
You were in the crowd.
You were going like this That was me! Yeah.
Never forget a fan, bro.
Man, that was a wicked les paul you were playing.
I got a '58 goldtop in my van if you want to see it.
Shut the hell up.
It's true.
The thing's worth more than my van.
Yeah.
Come to think of it, I probably shouldn't have left it in there.
Or my weed.
You know what? I have a few minutes to kill.
would the fathers and daughters Please make their way to the dance floor? Mom, I can't find dad.
Where is he? I don't know.
I've been looking for him, too, But don't worry.
We know he's here, so I'm gonna find him.
Hey.
Do you know where matt is? I'll tell you where he isn't-- behind that big potted plant.
That's where I've been all night.
Crap! They're starting.
Look, you find matt.
I'll stall the band.
Okay, great.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If I find him, I'll go like this Caw-caw! Caw-caw! Um, excuse me.
Hey, um, I was just thinking before you start the waltz, It would be nice if we thanked all the people Who put this night together.
Everyone, this lady has an announcement to make.
I meant you.
um, well, I just wanted to thank Everyone who put this night together.
There's probably a Susan in there somewhere.
Thank you, susan.
You can pass that down to the rest of your team.
Okay, great.
Looks like we can get this waltz started.
no.
But b-before we do Let's have a moment of silence For all the the animals, they came they came by twosies, twosies elephants and kangaroosies, roosies children of the lord Ev-- Mom, what was that? I was stalling so that nikki could find your dad.
I didn't want your night to be ruined.
So you did that? In hindsight Sophie.
Am I doing okay? You're doing great.
And thanks for helping out with mom.
Honey, I've been keeping the lid on that pot for years.
Trust me.
It's an art.
Hey, you remember when we used to dance Around the kitchen together Mm.
And I put my feet on top of your feet? Yeah.
You used to look up at me with those big eyes of yours, Peeking through the curls.
Mm-hmm.
You were my little girl.
Now you're so grown up.
Daddy? Huh? Are you gonna cry? No, baby.
I'm not crying.
I was just thinking about your little feet on my feet! ohh! okay.
You sure you want to come in? Okay, look, I know this is really bad.
I'm sorry.
I just went to check out this guy's guitar, Then he let me play it, and I kinda lost track of time.
Well It's better than what I thought.
I-I-I thought you went off with some girl Or went and got high or something.
What? I was not with a girl.
Where the hell are your pop-tarts? You are unbelievable.
How could you do this to sophie? I was only out there a little bit.
I sang 11 verses of "rise and shine.
" I don't think anybody who heard me would agree That it was just a little bit.
This is a big one, matt.
It's gonna take a long time for sophie to get over this.
Okay, well, until you get over it, Could you put the knife down? Hey, dad.
Mom, do we have any whipped cream? Sure, honey.
Listen, sophie, I am really sorry.
Oh, it's okay, dad.
I know you tried.
I mean, I didn't really expect you to be there at all, So it's something.
Oh, man.
Getting yelled at would've felt better.
Then you're about to feel really good.
You're working late.
Just looking at some old footage of waltz-a-palooza '91.
I won partner and solo.
What happened? I went to get annie a drink, And there was a guy with guitar and weed.
Got it.
But I think I know how to fix it.
Good.
How? By doing what I always do-- Coming to you so you can fix it.
You know what? You're about to feel a real jacklash.
I don't get it.
You get distracted by meaningless, stupid crap And miss out on the things that really matter.
I would have done anything to be at that dance, And you just toss it away.
Is this you fixing it? 'cause you used to be a lot better at it.
I mean, I know I'm not a great dad.
No one's asking you to be a great dad.
Just don't be a terrible dad.
I like that.
"don't be a terrible dad.
" You think I can do that? I do.
When it comes to your family, If you really focus on doing the right thing, I think you can come fairly close To not entirely disappointing them.
Wow.
Thanks for believing in me, bro.
Do you think mackenzie's ever gonna come out of the bathroom? Let's give her some time.
She's pretty upset.
Yeah.
I don't know what happened.
One second I was fine, And then I guess it was the image of her little feet on my feet! Ohh! Why don't you leave before you make it worse? I'll talk to her.
It'll be okay.
All right.
You can come out now.
He's gone.
What is wrong with him? I know, right? that was embarrassing.
So embarrassing.
Easily ten times worse than anything I've ever done to you.
Oh, my god, yes.
Mom, did you see him? I did, honey.
Oh, my-- Hang on.
Let's grab a blanket, Sit on the sofa, and talk about how embarrassing daddy is.
This is the happiest night of my life.
Thanks for taking us out to dinner, uncle jack.
You're welcome, sweetie.
What is that like-- When she looks you in the eyes and says something nice? oh, my god.
What's going on? I think I owe you a dance.
This is why you took us out to dinner? thank you.
No, this was all matt.
yeah, okay.
Hey, guys.
Mackenzie said she left her backpack-- Oh, god.
What is happening to me?!