I Just Want My Pants Back (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

I'm just expecting a text from Brett.
Maybe be mature and text him.
You need some career advise? Right now I'm, like, a receptionist.
Maybe I know someone who could be your savior.
We had this amazing night, and then she fake-numbered me.
- See you around.
- I keep wondering, did I do something wrong? you're the moon in my cloudless sky Their love makes me angry.
I want to break that tiny banjo.
Ah, Brett.
It's that magical time of night between his third and fourth beer where I seem like the best idea in the world.
So what's the latest? Is Brett your ultimate lullaby? Uh, more like my for-now slow jam.
We hook up, a few nights go by, and if the cell reception is just right, we do it again.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
More like pine, overthink, and repeat.
Uh, no.
I don't pine.
You pine.
You're a pine tree.
I could put presents under you.
Uh, no.
Brett and I are super casual and adult.
I think you're talking about you and the girl who stole your pants.
Yeah, I was trying not to obsess about Jane, but last night I ordered Thai from the place she fake-numbered me with I knew it would reopen old wounds, but Oh, the dumplings are really good.
- - Behind you, chatting up franken-tits.
Wait.
I should really go talk to him.
He never got back to me about his job connections.
Five minutes.
Hey, Lench.
J-bone, hey, long time.
Tina.
Yeah, I'm out.
She's my cover girl for this month's issue of All Naturals.
I thought All Naturals was a magazine where topless girls with underarm hair teach you how to make tofu.
She's more "all surgical.
" Yeah, it's the ironic issue.
You want some moonshine? I made it myself.
Uh, okay.
I know, right? Distilled from quinoa in my bathtub.
Great.
So you remember how you said you were gonna hook me up with some career connections or whatever? - No.
- It was, like, a week ago.
Look, I could really use your help.
Okay.
All right.
You come work for me at All Naturals.
Uh, what exactly would I be doing there? Well, you're a music guy, right? Eco-hipsters love tunes.
You come write about them.
Maybe a piece about vegan lady drummers who don't wear bras.
Thanks.
Can I think about it? Sure, sure.
You go ponder it.
I am gonna go ponder samba-Ann's body, and by ponder, I mean I'm gonna scale those lady mountains, and by lady mountains, I - I got it.
- Breasts.
Yeah.
You look nice.
Oh, thanks, Brett.
You didn't make any major errors yourself.
So how many calories do you think we just burned? Oh, probably one of those little Greek yogurts you like.
2% or full-fat? 2%.
Don't flatter yourself.
So what are you doin' tonight? Probably hang out with some friends, maybe see a band, maybe wild some teens.
Text me later.
Oh, actually My friend James Franco's hosting this ravioli party.
You know James Franco? - Yeah, we're friends from - From being rich and white? Actually we have the same tattoo consultant.
Anyway, he hosts this really cool ravioli party every year, and I was wondering, maybe you wanna go with me.
I could pick you up here.
We could go over together.
You mean like an actual pre-midnight plan, I don't know.
It's kind of a big step.
Do you think we're ready for it? Yeah, but I'll keep a flask on me just in case.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
Uh, okay, I'll go.
You can trot me around like your little show pony.
Cool.
Brush your mane and tail.
I'll pick you up around 9:00.
See you, then.
Could you chew any louder? It's cap'n crunch, babe, not cap'n quiet.
Put your headphones on.
When I wear my headphones, you complain you can hear maroon 5.
God, it sounds like Guantanamo up there.
You think they're having wild sex in Guantanamo? Jesus, I mean who has sex at, like, 11:00 A.
M.
? We used to.
All Naturals is a magazine that has the two best things in life Breasts, , beets, radishes, eggplant.
Keep an eye out for the latest issue of All Naturals, available at there's people handing it out as you come out of whole foods.
How's the Internet, handsome? I was video-chatting last night with this really nice family in Toronto.
They had no idea I was crankin' it the whole time.
What are you into cat sex? No.
No cat sex today, JB.
Too bad.
But don't fret.
The great news train just pulled into the Jason station.
Wrecked the bathroom.
It's like the toilet's been coated in that chocatate magic shell.
So grab a mop, Jay.
This is the sixth time this month.
Can't we just hire a cleaning service? Okay, cleaning the bathroom is the most valuable thing you do.
Seriously.
I mean, I only hired you for your long, skinny arms.
No.
I'm not cleaning the bathroom.
Ooh, Mexican standoff.
Well, it's clean or quit, hombre.
Then I guess I quit.
Really? Who's gonna water the plants? - I quit.
- Fine, then go.
Just leave! I hope I never see you or your vulnerable deer eyes again! Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh Uh, hi.
I'm Eric.
This is Stacey.
And we live downstairs.
Um, I'm Beth, and this is Kevin.
We know you.
We've seen you by the recycling.
You're very organized.
Uh, so I'm gonna make an embarrassing guess here.
We were bein' loud.
A tiny, tiny bit.
God, I'm sorry.
I just We're tryin' to study.
It's exam time We get it.
We just took the gmats.
We'll keep it down, promise.
Sorry.
- Okay.
- Cool.
Uh Wait.
Uh, would you guys want to hang out later? We're always talking about how we want more couple friends, - and we've got all this wine.
- Come over.
Play with us.
- Um - Uh Well, you know, we've we've got a ton of work to do.
But, yeah, maybe we'll stop in later.
- Sweet.
- Yay! So what did "play with us" mean? Uh, I didn't get a scrabble vibe.
Yeah, I got a come juggle all our boy and girl parts" vibe.
Me too.
But it wasn't that, right? I mean, that That's crazy.
Crazy.
We'll just tell 'em we're too swamped with work.
I know you'd never be down for four-person sexy times, anyway.
Wait.
Me? Why would I be the one that be into it? And , don't forget I've done .
I've done a threesome.
is not a threesome well, I hate to shock you, but I just might be into it.
- So would I.
- Well, okay, then.
Okay, so I guess we're goin' up there tonight.
I guess we are.
We'll just, uh See where the night takes us.
Not that it's a big deal, because it'll probably just take us to a game of scrabble.
All Naturals, can I help you? It's 10:00 to 6:00.
Hi.
Uh, I'm here to see Scott Lenchner.
- I'm gonna be working here.
- s Yeah, Lench said you might be our new intern.
I mean, yes, I am the j-bone, but I'm not the new intern.
I'm here for, like, a real job.
Well, I wrote it down just like he said "the j-bone may stop by.
He's the new intern.
" Congrats.
Interns sit in there.
Pick whatever chair you'd like.
Wi-fi password is "unshaven.
" Tuesday is our tofu taco day.
Bring your own almond milk.
Make sure you label your own local produce Lench, what the hell, man? I just quit my job for an unpaid internship? First, stop yelling.
I have a massive case of the fear.
Second, you shouldn't have trusted me last night.
- - Shot of moonshine, bump of blow moonblowing.
The combination does not a trustworthy man make.
Are we good? Amber.
I need a pedialyte and a trash can that locks in odor.
I feel his presence there.
But sometimes - being paranormally inclined - Hi.
I just got your text.
I'm gonna kill Lench.
in pop rocks and pity right now, but I think I know what you should do.
Find a job, get health insurance? No.
Well, yes, definitely, but in the more immediate future, join me at James Franco's ravioli party.
What are you talking about? James Franco's having some kind of posh pasta party tonight.
I'm going with Brett he's picking me up and everything.
- It's very proper.
- Whoa.
- I know.
- I'm happy for you.
But I don't feel like eating pasta with rich people right now.
I'm just gonna sit here, and later, I'll eat leftover Thai food and think of other rejections.
It just the thing is Since he's bringing me tonight and introducing me to his world, I'm kinda wanna introduce him to my.
You're an ice queen if you say no to me.
I just called you "my world.
" So what should we bring cookies? Not my first-grade birthday party, babe.
How about Mike's hard lemonade? Not my eight-grade birthday party.
How about this fancy Belgian beer? Perfect.
It's a thoughtful drink for a normal night with new friends.
And if it goes another way, it's European, which kind of says, "hello, I'm here for a sexual adventure.
" Sex adventure? You? No, no.
No one who buys that much activia is sexy.
What? We are super sexy.
We'll have sex right here, if you want.
Yeah.
Hop up on the icebox, babe.
Let's do this.
Please, middle-schoolers are still out.
I don't want this in my store.
You know, you look like a rockette in those little sparkly shorts.
Oh, yeah? Well, you need to get at least three drinks in me before I start doing any high kicks.
Oh.
I accept your challenge.
So Franco bought this place when spidey 3 hit 800 mil.
Oh, kind of like how I bought clogs after getting my Christmas bonus.
- Brett, what's good, man? - Everything Compared to Solange's dinner party last week.
Right? I heard she doesn't even compost.
That meat was so not-local.
I tweeted about it.
It just felt like "screw you," you know? Valid.
Hey, what was up with Oolay? I'm so Who's Oolay? Do I know her? Uh, him.
No, he was in from L.
A.
I'm sorry, but no Swiss Mountain dog is that friendly.
I was like, "mom, you finished all the hummus!" That's so her mom.
Oh, that reminds me of this great hummus place that we went to in Turkey such a romantic country.
You looked good in that country.
Oh! - Mmm.
- Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, it's happening.
We're foursome-ing.
We just moved from twosome to foursome.
We totally skipped a level, especially you.
Shut up.
Mm-hmm.
Keep going.
I mean, don't get me wrong I love making chocolate, but I just I feel like I need to get back to my writing.
Well, I told you, you should start a blog.
Um, you have zero idea what you're talking about, okay? I write for a blog.
Yeah, guilty.
I have an MFA, and they're, like, You should finish your memoir, Abraham.
I'm so over the Internet.
Please tell me you're not armed with a story about your summer abroad or a kombucha-making class.
I never went abroad.
My parents would just drive us to different parts of Missouri.
Thanks for coming, Jay.
And sorry about the job thing, but you'll bounce back.
Show me your Brett.
Okay, just so you know, he is wearing a pocket monocle.
Try to see past it.
Brett, this is my friend Jay.
I've never had an undignified moment in my life.
It's true.
I've never held her hair back outside of basically every bar in Brooklyn.
Hey, cheers, man.
Yeah, it's good to meet you, buddy, I've heard a lot about you.
Of his Wikipedia page on the roof.
- We got to see this.
- Classic.
Brett seems stylish and Busy.
And rude.
Ugh! I need a drink.
Okay, I guess I'll just go network, then.
Hmm.
How nice are my girl's girls, eh? Very nice.
Friendly.
Spoiler alert they're pierced.
Oh.
Dude, tell my girl what you want to do to her boobs.
Oh, wait.
Don't tell me.
Tell Them.
Uh Tell 'em, er.
Okay, I guess I want to smush you together and see if your piercings stick like magnets.
Yeah.
Do it.
Okay.
Oh.
It's a great party, huh? Pretty people, lots of carbs.
You want to know if the beard's real, huh? Uh, no how long it took to grow? It's like, I didn't grow it for you, bro, okay? Stay shaven, poseur.
Wait.
Hold on.
If there's an intermission, it's not a one-act play.
Are you guys even listening to yourselves? - Okay, so I'm gonna go.
- What? Why? It's, like, 11:00.
Yeah, I can tell time.
Good night.
Hey, wait.
Hold on a second.
Talk to me.
Calm down.
Since you asked me to come here with you, you haven't even introduced me to a single asshat here.
I'm sorry.
I guess I thought you were capable of making conversation on your own.
And these people by the way, they're not asshats.
They're my friends.
I'm sorry you're intimidated by them.
Oh, yeah, I'm so intimidated.
If only I knew more about local meats I should have known you would need a little extra hand-holding.
These aren't exactly your people.
Just forget it.
You're talking inappropriately loud, just go get some of that nice iced Earl grey over there, - take a lap.
- Am I embarrassing you? Because I can get louder! You know those two? Yeah.
Actually, the blonde's my best friend, but when she gets mad, she becomes like Nicki Minaj in monster.
"First things first, I'll eat your brains.
" Who'd have thought that combining Bon Iver and Nicki Minaj would be so good? - I'm Luke.
- Jason.
Jesus, I had no idea how much attention you needed.
Oh, yes, that's me.
I'm such a delicate flower.
Meanwhile, your belt is made of tiny gun bullets.
You only wore that so people would ask you about it, and you'd be like, "oh, this old thing? Civil war bullets.
Whatevs.
" World War I.
You don't know anything.
You are the worst person! Are the best way to get people excited about new releases, - you know? - We threw one last week - Full house.
- Oh, yeah? Where do you work? Cracken records.
It's an indie label founded by some former matador execs.
You know, I never do this, Actually, we just promoted someone, so an entry-level job just opened up.
Really? Maybe you should just go, then, 'cause this is getting boring, Tina.
You know, I don't even know why I came here with you tonight.
I don't know why I thought it would be different, why you would act different.
It's like asking a pedophile to babysit, and then wondering why your kid is acting weird afterwards.
Well, I'm sorry I suggested it.
I guess you're just more of a "late night text" kind of girl than an "introduce to your friends" kind of girl.
Wait.
Hold on, Tina.
Come on, what? No witty retort? - Witty retort.
- Not cool! - We're leaving.
- Uh, okay.
So thank you so much for getting me that interview.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Teen, what happened? I think we should move this to the bedroom.
Felix.
- Who's Felix? - Our roommate.
Dude, we're really sorry.
Guess we'll just have to take a rain check.
We should've waited for you.
Oh, no worries.
I'll catch up.
Mmm.
Uh, this just went from foursome to orgy.
Any odd number of people fooling around over three equals orgy.
I'm not up to orgy, babe.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Careful with the frosting.
You don't want the interviewer seeing white, crusty stuff all over your pants.
Oh, someone's back to her filthy self.
So are you and Brett, like, done for good? Yeah.
Well, I don't know.
He already sent me apology chocolates he made with Just go to your interview already.
Yeah, I should really go.
Hey.
Thanks for checkin' in.
I only came by for the free breakfast.
I am unemployed, you know.
Yeah, I really got into finding new bands first when I was doing my radio show at Cornell.
It's kind of dorky, I know, but a lot of the times I'd pull all-nighters, 'cause, like, the best indie stations are in the U.
K.
, and I didn't want to miss anything.
Cool.
Nice skinny tie, by the way.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I'm feelin' Marc Ronson-y.
Oh, love him.
So what are you excited about now? What's on your iPod? Jane? Jane's addiction? - What? - The old band? Jane's addiction? Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
I just Could you excuse me for a second? I'm sorry.
I, uh, just saw this girl I used to date.
Oh, okay.
I've been there.
So you were sayin'.
I mean, I didn't really date her we just hooked up.
And she stole my pants Maybe.
I mean, she gave me her number, but, like, it wasn't really her number.
It was a thai-food restaurant unless she wrote it down wrong.
Pathetic dudes tell themselves when they get a fake number, but, like, isn't it possible that just once, that's what really happened? Because, like, why would she borrow my pants, if she had no intention of seeing me again? Uh Shalom? Did you get it, Jay? No, I saw Jane there and imploded.
Oh, it was bad.
At best, I acted like an idiot.
At worst, like the victim of a sudden, very sad stroke.
Oh, my God, that sucks.
Well, just come over.
Mm, I kind of feel like goin' home.
- What about booze? - Funny.
We'll do a shot every time dora explores.
Okay, see you in 15.
Troubles no troubles on the line The bachlelorette party.
It's tonight at 8:00.
This isn't helping me forget about Brett.
Did you hear I'm getting married? - Time to go.
- Cat fight! - Punch her in the face! - You punch her in the face! I want to touch one thingy.
Can I feel yours?