I Love Dick (2016) s01e03 Episode Script
The Conceptual Fuck
1 You okay? Oh, Jesus Christ.
Sorry.
Whew.
Thought you got eaten by coyotes.
Just, uh, went by the Institute to drop off another sample of my work, so I thought the seminar was full.
No, it is.
I just thought, you know, I could, you know, weasel my way in.
I submitted something else.
What film did you give? Oh, I, uh, ahem, I gave them "The Dick Letters".
What the fuck were you thinking? I don't know.
I wanted to give him something good.
You're out of your fucking mind.
Wait.
Get dressed.
We're going to the Institute right now.
It's done, though.
There's nothing Hey, you want me to drag you there naked? Huh? You'd probably like that, wouldn't you? Is this part of the game? - Get dressed.
- Ow.
Fucking buttons.
Now I'm going to count to 5, and those better be on your ass.
1 2 Fine.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You look nice.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was wondering if you'd ever let me use this space.
I know it's a lot to ask, so What do you want it for? Oh, the actors from my play just need a place to meet up you know, talk through ideas.
Okay.
You want me to take this mail? - Yep.
- Cool.
See you.
Dead moth.
Fucking creepy.
Pull in this spot.
- All right, move.
- All right.
Go.
Get in there.
Unbelievable.
Dear Dick, I've been up all night writing a description of your face.
Why are you doing this to us? I'd fall into your arms.
We'd kiss.
The obligatory first contact before fucking.
My love for you is absolutely groundless.
Everything that has passed between us all comes back to ugliness and identity.
Dear Dick Dear Dick Dear Dick Dear Dick Dear Dick Dear Dick Dear Dear Dick.
Oh, fuck me.
Fuck.
Can I help you? I I, uh, I le I had a a box that I left here.
It's kind of like an art projecty, uh, thingie - Hmm.
- for for Dick, and I just I need it back.
I already sent it up to the ranch with his mail.
Oh, fuck me! Come on.
You probably get accosted by this needy artist.
Energy all the time.
We're such little babies.
It's like, "Oh, poor me.
Nobody cares about my work.
I've got no money, no kids.
" Well, I have two dead kids.
I mean, not literally dead.
I had one miscarriage and one abortion, but symbolically it feels heavy you know, dead kids, dead films.
Is it possible to maybe get his his address? - This is - Should I go over? - I know how to do it.
- No, don't go over! I can do it.
I can do it.
Do not try to climb over the barbed wire.
Dick's not home.
His truck's not here.
Oh, Christ, now what? Oh, this is easy.
Yeah.
All right, come on, come on, come on.
- Okay.
- Chris, let's go.
Okay.
Move it.
Move, move.
Go.
Okay.
Hello? Come on.
Just Oh.
Oh, no.
Uh You crafted.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Fuck.
What are you doing? - No, no, no, no, no.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Don't touch it.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Put them down.
Stop it.
- He's He already has read them.
- You don't know that.
He's gonna know that we came to take them.
Put them back.
He's already read them.
Put it down.
Then he'll know that we're perverts - and stalkers.
- Shh.
- You know what? This is - Leave them like that This is a really stupid idea.
He's obviously read them, - so there's nothing to do.
- Okay.
All right.
It's my name.
Dear Dick, Sylvere says he was so turned on by you.
He's like a new man.
You're like a Roman god bringing the spirit of sex into our lives.
- What? What? - You wrote about me.
Shh.
Stop it.
It's Just put it put it down.
Sylvere.
Hmm.
Sylvere.
Mm.
Baby, are you okay? You okay, babe? Just make make sure you flush it.
Mm.
Sylvere, come on.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
What? Don't manhandle me.
Stop it.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Just go away.
- Sylvere.
- Go away.
Sylvere.
S S - Come on.
- I don't get it.
Why do you have to ruin every good thing that ever happens to me? Why? Why can't you just fucking support me? Huh? Do you know how many shitty jobs I have taken so that you could have time Oh, stop this.
Oh, here we go.
- Chris the martyr.
- I gave up having a family for you.
Oh You don't even like kids! You are such an asshole.
You are subconsciously trying to destroy me.
Oh.
Oh.
Now you're going to rape me with your big fat Freudian dildo? What about that time you punched me in the face? - I was sleeping! - No! - I was sleeping! - Subconsciously It was in my sleep! you were hitting me in the fucking face.
Oh, that was five fucking years ago! You want to fight about it again? Just take some responsibility for your life, Chris.
Enough! Sylvere! Are you going to No, you're not doing that.
Wait.
Are you seriously locking me out? You shithead.
Sylvere, this is very traumatic! Howdy.
Sylvere? Sylvere.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Great.
I'll just get four four chicken tacos.
All right, so 16 tacos.
No.
Four tacos.
I don't need 16 16 tacos.
Just four tacos.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
They like to fuck with the tourists - Why? - so just say one.
But I want four tacos.
Right.
When you say four, that's four orders.
That's 16 tacos.
They want to mess with you.
Oh, for God Fine.
I'll take 16 tacos.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this town.
Sorry.
All right, that'll be ready in five to 40 minutes.
Hey, man, I'll take one order of frock tacos.
Okay.
Four tacos coming up.
Great.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
It's taco porn.
Like it's Like it's just too much for her.
I mean, it's animalistic.
That's just absolutely what it is.
She's like a raccoon digging through the garbage.
- Right.
- Unbelievable.
This is the woman behind Devon's big inspiration.
Oh, she's coming over here.
- Oh, fuck.
- Oh, she's coming.
- She heard you? - Oh, boy.
- Hey.
- I hope not.
- Hi.
- Uh, hiya.
I was just wondering if you have one of those I could, um, uh, just buy from you.
Or if I I could do an IOU.
I'm sorry.
This is, like, this is all I got, so sorry.
- Okay.
- But do you want a drag? Yes.
- Thanks so much.
- Oh, sure.
Oh.
Hey.
Thanks.
Just real quick.
Mm.
Oh, you've got a little just a little salsa there.
- Yeah.
Just - On On your face.
- Yeah.
- That's gross.
Sorry to interrupt your circle.
- Oh.
- Uh, yeah.
Anyway, uh, uh, sorry to interrupt.
No worries.
- Uh - She just took She just took your joint.
- She took the joint.
- She took your joint.
- Strange.
- Yeah.
- So odd.
- Really, really weird.
Right? Yo, Devon, we're here.
I want to stalk you and hunt you like prey.
I want to find out where you live.
I want to pull up to your house in my Kotex pink jalopy and open my trunk and show you my cunt-red insides.
Wow, man.
Whoa.
That's so vivid.
I was born into a world that presumes there is something grotesque, unspeakable about female desire.
But now all I want is to be undignified to trash myself.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to have the kind of sex that makes breathing feel like fucking.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to have the kind of sex that makes breathing feel like fucking.
I want to have the kind of sex that makes breathing feel like fucking.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to be a female monster.
Oh! Oh! Ooh.
Dick's brick.
I thought you gave up day drinking.
I did.
- Yeah, I thought you died.
- Working on it.
Hey.
What the fuck? What the fuck happened? Uh, rehearsal got, you know, intense.
We were kind of just like talking about, like, reading these letters and talking about cunt-red stuff, and Toby just kind of You said you were just going to have a meeting, sit around and talk.
Get out.
You're fired.
Go.
Go.
Fuck off.
I bring a taco offering.
I'm nauseated.
Maybe this could fix it.
Is that marijuana? Did she find some marijuana? I don't want any.
Uch.
Ohh.
Come on.
Did you get in trouble? I did get in trouble.
Ohh.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
Oh, you're really big.
Oh, you got a big cock.
God, I love your big cock.
I want to suck that cock.
Suck your big cock.
Forget about the fucking brick.
Suck my cock, Toby.
Huh.
Whoa.
Uhh.
Eh, fuck it.
Fuck it.
Do you remember how you used to tie me up with that scratchy red rope? Mm.
Do you want me to do that to you again? It would make you forget him.
Why Why do you think that we, uh, have been monogamous all these years? Like, when we when we don't even we don't even believe in it.
Like, what is No one's going anywhere.
I mean, what is the big deal? It's easier.
But, I mean, it's just like, in, like, a hundred years, it's like none of this will even matter anyway because we're just going to be, like, formless, genderless balls of just pure light just floating around, constantly just fucking each other.
Hmm.
Sounds amazing.
Doesn't it, though? I mean, wouldn't it be so awesome if you could just experience if you could just go f have sex with anybody that you want? Just do just go f and just know Mm-hmm.
that I'm not going to be mad - Yeah.
- that I In fact, when you come home, I will j I'll ask you how it went.
I would come home.
You'd be holding a rolling pin.
- Shut up! - You would.
I've never held a rolling pin in my whole fucking life.
What the fuck are you talking about? You'd be so jealous.
F-Fine.
- I would be jealous.
- You would.
And that's just a feeling that I would have, and then I would just get over that feeling.
Uh-huh.
What if we just walked the walk? - Okay.
- That's what I'm saying.
What if we walked the walk? If we walked the walk.
Because we could be like John and Yoko.
Frida and Diego.
- We could be like - That would be We could be like Sid and Nancy.
What He killed her.
He killed her.
What is so romantic I thought that she tripped into, uh Uh Oh.
Don't kill me.
Yeah? Don't kill me.
I don't know.
I don't know, Chris.
I'm going to tell Dick the letters are just a piece of art and you know nothing about it.
Mm.
I'm gonna fix it.
- Mm? - Mm-hmm.
I'm going to fix this.
And what if he doesn't even believe you? No, he he's going to he'll believe me.
I promise.
He will.
I'll meet him, and I'll go to the ranch house.
I'll go to the his office.
I'm going to sit him down, and I We won't end the conversation until until I feel confident Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not alone.
Not alone.
You're not going to go there alone.
- Okay.
- No.
No alone.
No, no, no.
I can't I No.
No.
it's got to be somewhere it's got to be somewhere public, you know, so I can be like, watch you.
Oh.
Hmm.
You want to watch me talk to him.
Yes.
Hmm.
So you want to you want to you want me to talk to Dick in public w-while you watch.
Uh-huh.
You want to be tied up with the red rope? Hmm.
Scratchy red rope? Huh.
Watch me flirt with Dick? No.
Seems like you do.
Hah.
Okay.
You know the one who's tied up - Mm.
- gets all the power, right? Yeah, of course I know.
I know.
My God, you have strong hands.
Paula.
Paula! I know you're here! You're always here.
Hello.
We have to get rid of the Holocaust wife! Oh, my God.
Which one I choose? Don't talk.
Don't talk.
I'm watching you while I'm fucking you.
Fucking my wife.
And I I can't do anything.
Don't you fucking come.
- I can't - Shut up.
Don't you dare fucking come.
Don't you dare fucking come.
Hurts.
And I - Don't you fucking come.
- suffering.
- Don't you dare fucking come.
- Ohh! Ohh! Shut up.
Shut up.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Mmm
Sorry.
Whew.
Thought you got eaten by coyotes.
Just, uh, went by the Institute to drop off another sample of my work, so I thought the seminar was full.
No, it is.
I just thought, you know, I could, you know, weasel my way in.
I submitted something else.
What film did you give? Oh, I, uh, ahem, I gave them "The Dick Letters".
What the fuck were you thinking? I don't know.
I wanted to give him something good.
You're out of your fucking mind.
Wait.
Get dressed.
We're going to the Institute right now.
It's done, though.
There's nothing Hey, you want me to drag you there naked? Huh? You'd probably like that, wouldn't you? Is this part of the game? - Get dressed.
- Ow.
Fucking buttons.
Now I'm going to count to 5, and those better be on your ass.
1 2 Fine.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You look nice.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was wondering if you'd ever let me use this space.
I know it's a lot to ask, so What do you want it for? Oh, the actors from my play just need a place to meet up you know, talk through ideas.
Okay.
You want me to take this mail? - Yep.
- Cool.
See you.
Dead moth.
Fucking creepy.
Pull in this spot.
- All right, move.
- All right.
Go.
Get in there.
Unbelievable.
Dear Dick, I've been up all night writing a description of your face.
Why are you doing this to us? I'd fall into your arms.
We'd kiss.
The obligatory first contact before fucking.
My love for you is absolutely groundless.
Everything that has passed between us all comes back to ugliness and identity.
Dear Dick Dear Dick Dear Dick Dear Dick Dear Dick Dear Dick Dear Dear Dick.
Oh, fuck me.
Fuck.
Can I help you? I I, uh, I le I had a a box that I left here.
It's kind of like an art projecty, uh, thingie - Hmm.
- for for Dick, and I just I need it back.
I already sent it up to the ranch with his mail.
Oh, fuck me! Come on.
You probably get accosted by this needy artist.
Energy all the time.
We're such little babies.
It's like, "Oh, poor me.
Nobody cares about my work.
I've got no money, no kids.
" Well, I have two dead kids.
I mean, not literally dead.
I had one miscarriage and one abortion, but symbolically it feels heavy you know, dead kids, dead films.
Is it possible to maybe get his his address? - This is - Should I go over? - I know how to do it.
- No, don't go over! I can do it.
I can do it.
Do not try to climb over the barbed wire.
Dick's not home.
His truck's not here.
Oh, Christ, now what? Oh, this is easy.
Yeah.
All right, come on, come on, come on.
- Okay.
- Chris, let's go.
Okay.
Move it.
Move, move.
Go.
Okay.
Hello? Come on.
Just Oh.
Oh, no.
Uh You crafted.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Fuck.
What are you doing? - No, no, no, no, no.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Don't touch it.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Put them down.
Stop it.
- He's He already has read them.
- You don't know that.
He's gonna know that we came to take them.
Put them back.
He's already read them.
Put it down.
Then he'll know that we're perverts - and stalkers.
- Shh.
- You know what? This is - Leave them like that This is a really stupid idea.
He's obviously read them, - so there's nothing to do.
- Okay.
All right.
It's my name.
Dear Dick, Sylvere says he was so turned on by you.
He's like a new man.
You're like a Roman god bringing the spirit of sex into our lives.
- What? What? - You wrote about me.
Shh.
Stop it.
It's Just put it put it down.
Sylvere.
Hmm.
Sylvere.
Mm.
Baby, are you okay? You okay, babe? Just make make sure you flush it.
Mm.
Sylvere, come on.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
What? Don't manhandle me.
Stop it.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Just go away.
- Sylvere.
- Go away.
Sylvere.
S S - Come on.
- I don't get it.
Why do you have to ruin every good thing that ever happens to me? Why? Why can't you just fucking support me? Huh? Do you know how many shitty jobs I have taken so that you could have time Oh, stop this.
Oh, here we go.
- Chris the martyr.
- I gave up having a family for you.
Oh You don't even like kids! You are such an asshole.
You are subconsciously trying to destroy me.
Oh.
Oh.
Now you're going to rape me with your big fat Freudian dildo? What about that time you punched me in the face? - I was sleeping! - No! - I was sleeping! - Subconsciously It was in my sleep! you were hitting me in the fucking face.
Oh, that was five fucking years ago! You want to fight about it again? Just take some responsibility for your life, Chris.
Enough! Sylvere! Are you going to No, you're not doing that.
Wait.
Are you seriously locking me out? You shithead.
Sylvere, this is very traumatic! Howdy.
Sylvere? Sylvere.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Great.
I'll just get four four chicken tacos.
All right, so 16 tacos.
No.
Four tacos.
I don't need 16 16 tacos.
Just four tacos.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
They like to fuck with the tourists - Why? - so just say one.
But I want four tacos.
Right.
When you say four, that's four orders.
That's 16 tacos.
They want to mess with you.
Oh, for God Fine.
I'll take 16 tacos.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this town.
Sorry.
All right, that'll be ready in five to 40 minutes.
Hey, man, I'll take one order of frock tacos.
Okay.
Four tacos coming up.
Great.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
It's taco porn.
Like it's Like it's just too much for her.
I mean, it's animalistic.
That's just absolutely what it is.
She's like a raccoon digging through the garbage.
- Right.
- Unbelievable.
This is the woman behind Devon's big inspiration.
Oh, she's coming over here.
- Oh, fuck.
- Oh, she's coming.
- She heard you? - Oh, boy.
- Hey.
- I hope not.
- Hi.
- Uh, hiya.
I was just wondering if you have one of those I could, um, uh, just buy from you.
Or if I I could do an IOU.
I'm sorry.
This is, like, this is all I got, so sorry.
- Okay.
- But do you want a drag? Yes.
- Thanks so much.
- Oh, sure.
Oh.
Hey.
Thanks.
Just real quick.
Mm.
Oh, you've got a little just a little salsa there.
- Yeah.
Just - On On your face.
- Yeah.
- That's gross.
Sorry to interrupt your circle.
- Oh.
- Uh, yeah.
Anyway, uh, uh, sorry to interrupt.
No worries.
- Uh - She just took She just took your joint.
- She took the joint.
- She took your joint.
- Strange.
- Yeah.
- So odd.
- Really, really weird.
Right? Yo, Devon, we're here.
I want to stalk you and hunt you like prey.
I want to find out where you live.
I want to pull up to your house in my Kotex pink jalopy and open my trunk and show you my cunt-red insides.
Wow, man.
Whoa.
That's so vivid.
I was born into a world that presumes there is something grotesque, unspeakable about female desire.
But now all I want is to be undignified to trash myself.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to have the kind of sex that makes breathing feel like fucking.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to have the kind of sex that makes breathing feel like fucking.
I want to have the kind of sex that makes breathing feel like fucking.
I want to be a female monster.
I want to be a female monster.
Oh! Oh! Ooh.
Dick's brick.
I thought you gave up day drinking.
I did.
- Yeah, I thought you died.
- Working on it.
Hey.
What the fuck? What the fuck happened? Uh, rehearsal got, you know, intense.
We were kind of just like talking about, like, reading these letters and talking about cunt-red stuff, and Toby just kind of You said you were just going to have a meeting, sit around and talk.
Get out.
You're fired.
Go.
Go.
Fuck off.
I bring a taco offering.
I'm nauseated.
Maybe this could fix it.
Is that marijuana? Did she find some marijuana? I don't want any.
Uch.
Ohh.
Come on.
Did you get in trouble? I did get in trouble.
Ohh.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
Oh, you're really big.
Oh, you got a big cock.
God, I love your big cock.
I want to suck that cock.
Suck your big cock.
Forget about the fucking brick.
Suck my cock, Toby.
Huh.
Whoa.
Uhh.
Eh, fuck it.
Fuck it.
Do you remember how you used to tie me up with that scratchy red rope? Mm.
Do you want me to do that to you again? It would make you forget him.
Why Why do you think that we, uh, have been monogamous all these years? Like, when we when we don't even we don't even believe in it.
Like, what is No one's going anywhere.
I mean, what is the big deal? It's easier.
But, I mean, it's just like, in, like, a hundred years, it's like none of this will even matter anyway because we're just going to be, like, formless, genderless balls of just pure light just floating around, constantly just fucking each other.
Hmm.
Sounds amazing.
Doesn't it, though? I mean, wouldn't it be so awesome if you could just experience if you could just go f have sex with anybody that you want? Just do just go f and just know Mm-hmm.
that I'm not going to be mad - Yeah.
- that I In fact, when you come home, I will j I'll ask you how it went.
I would come home.
You'd be holding a rolling pin.
- Shut up! - You would.
I've never held a rolling pin in my whole fucking life.
What the fuck are you talking about? You'd be so jealous.
F-Fine.
- I would be jealous.
- You would.
And that's just a feeling that I would have, and then I would just get over that feeling.
Uh-huh.
What if we just walked the walk? - Okay.
- That's what I'm saying.
What if we walked the walk? If we walked the walk.
Because we could be like John and Yoko.
Frida and Diego.
- We could be like - That would be We could be like Sid and Nancy.
What He killed her.
He killed her.
What is so romantic I thought that she tripped into, uh Uh Oh.
Don't kill me.
Yeah? Don't kill me.
I don't know.
I don't know, Chris.
I'm going to tell Dick the letters are just a piece of art and you know nothing about it.
Mm.
I'm gonna fix it.
- Mm? - Mm-hmm.
I'm going to fix this.
And what if he doesn't even believe you? No, he he's going to he'll believe me.
I promise.
He will.
I'll meet him, and I'll go to the ranch house.
I'll go to the his office.
I'm going to sit him down, and I We won't end the conversation until until I feel confident Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not alone.
Not alone.
You're not going to go there alone.
- Okay.
- No.
No alone.
No, no, no.
I can't I No.
No.
it's got to be somewhere it's got to be somewhere public, you know, so I can be like, watch you.
Oh.
Hmm.
You want to watch me talk to him.
Yes.
Hmm.
So you want to you want to you want me to talk to Dick in public w-while you watch.
Uh-huh.
You want to be tied up with the red rope? Hmm.
Scratchy red rope? Huh.
Watch me flirt with Dick? No.
Seems like you do.
Hah.
Okay.
You know the one who's tied up - Mm.
- gets all the power, right? Yeah, of course I know.
I know.
My God, you have strong hands.
Paula.
Paula! I know you're here! You're always here.
Hello.
We have to get rid of the Holocaust wife! Oh, my God.
Which one I choose? Don't talk.
Don't talk.
I'm watching you while I'm fucking you.
Fucking my wife.
And I I can't do anything.
Don't you fucking come.
- I can't - Shut up.
Don't you dare fucking come.
Don't you dare fucking come.
Hurts.
And I - Don't you fucking come.
- suffering.
- Don't you dare fucking come.
- Ohh! Ohh! Shut up.
Shut up.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Mmm