I Love You, America (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1 ‐ How long has it been since we've seen each other? I mean, you're busy here.
‐ I'm very busy.
‐ I got, you know I'm busy in Washington and the Senate.
‐ Right.
‐ So when was the last time we saw each other? ‐ Democratic National Convention.
‐ Oh, jeez.
Oh, right, right.
Oh, God, I'm just haunted by that.
I mean, I thought what we did was fine, but if we‐‐ You know, I can't think‐‐ If I just had come up with the right combination of words, you know, that maybe maybe it would have made the difference.
‐ You can't beat yourself up about it, you know? There's nothing you could have said.
You're not that influential.
[laughter.]
‐ So comedy‐‐ staying in comedy.
That was the right thing for you, you think? ‐ Yeah, I have belly laughs, and it's about truth, and I care about truth.
And it's you know, I mean ‐ Yeah.
‐ That's why you got into government, because it's about truth.
[laughter.]
‐ [softly.]
Yeah Oh, oh! Thank you, thank you.
‐ Oh, do you wanna split it, or ‐ Uh, you know, I insist.
‐ Oh ‐ I insist on you paying it.
[laughter.]
‐ Oh, me pay.
‐ Yeah.
'Cause I'm a Senator, no one can buy me dinner.
Right? 'Cause it's like a bribe or something.
‐ Right.
‐ Except for people who knew me before I ran for office.
And we knew each other, of course, when you were at "Saturday Night Live" ‐ But did we know each other that well? ‐ No, not well, but it doesn't matter.
I insist that all my friends buy me, uh meals.
‐ Okay.
No, I can do that.
'Cause they let me just sign for it here.
‐ And leave a really good tip, 'cause she's Scandinavian‐looking ‐ Oh, yeah.
‐ And she might have family back in Minnesota.
She might be one of these "You know who gave me a big tip?" ‐ Sarah Silverman.
‐ Yes.
Who was with Al Franken.
And they go, "Oh!" ‐ Al, do me a favor.
I'd love it if you looked into, uh looked into this camera ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ And said, like, "coming up on the show "is dah‐dah‐dah‐dah‐dah.
" ‐ Okay.
‐ You know, something like that.
‐ Coming up on the show What do you mean is "dah‐dah‐dah‐dah‐dah"? ‐ Well, we don't know‐‐ This is a pre‐tape, and we don't know, uh, where it will‐‐ you know, what episode it'll land on, so you don't really know what you would say, but if you just move your mouth [silence.]
and then we'll just‐‐ ‐ And someone will fill it in? ‐ Yeah, I can fill it in.
[weird voice.]
Tonight on the show Sarah interviews‐‐ ‐ That's your impression of me? ‐ Mostly just the physical.
‐ That was your impression of me? ‐ [weird voice.]
Tonight ‐ Okay, I got it.
‐ That's your impression of me? ‐ [laughs.]
Okay.
Tonight on the show we have [Sarah, weird voice.]
Halloween costumes, Tig Notaro, and me, Al Franken.
That was great.
‐ [laughing.]
[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays.]
MAN: Shave it off, stay alive, open wide Show us how to conquer first and then divide CHORUS: Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long Used to staying weak And now we're staying strong We don't wanna go where we do not belong Lonely as the day is long, day is long [cheers and applause.]
MARK: Hey, it's my buddy and yours, Sarah Silverman! [cheers and applause.]
‐ Hey.
Oh! Oh, my goodness.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh! Hi, Dave! My friend Dave is here.
That's so random.
I love that you're, like, sitting on the stage in the the stage section of the audience.
Well, welcome.
Hi.
I'll say hi to you after the show.
Hi, sweet buttercup faces.
Hi, chocolate brownie mix from a bowl.
Who deserves love? You do.
‐ Kicka‐kicka‐cow, kicka‐cow! ‐ Okay.
[chuckles.]
That person just wants attention, so don't give it to him.
[laughter.]
Give it to me! I don't want any attention.
[laughter.]
That's so awful.
Why is that a thing? "He just wants attention.
Don't give it to him.
" Those are like the saddest two sentences I've ever heard constantly, growing up.
[laughter.]
Why are we Honestly, why are we disgusted when we sense human need? "He just wants water.
Don't give it to him.
"Ew! Look how thirsty he is.
He's like muhh, chomping his lips.
" That is a thing, though: "He just wants attention.
Don't give it to him.
" You guys have heard that before, right? CROWD: Yeah.
‐ You're even acknowledging what his acting out is about‐‐ a need for attention.
The fact that you're actively choosing to withhold it is‐‐is mean! He just wants attention.
Give it to him! If not out of human empathy, give it to him to prevent, like, Hitlers from happening.
[laughter.]
How hard would it have been for one of Adolf's friends to be like, "That's a nice painting of a building.
" "That's a nice painting of a landscape.
You should stick with that!" [laughter, applause.]
[whooping.]
I mean, not giving attention to someone who's starved for attention is literally how you make Hitlers.
And also some stand‐up comedians, but Honestly, I would trade a few Gaffigans to stop a genocide! [laughter.]
And I know what it is.
It's it's how they go about asking for attention.
They shout out during a taping of a show, you know? They‐‐they act out, they pull hair, they kill 6 million Jews, you know.
These are the things‐‐ ‐ [indistinct.]
‐ Too soon? [laughter.]
These are the things that happen when people do not feel heard.
‐ Hi, Sarah.
‐ Hi, Dave, I‐‐ [laughs.]
You remember my friend Dave from about 30 seconds ago.
Hi.
What‐‐what's up? ‐ Uh, I have an idea to liven this up a little.
[laughter.]
‐ Okay.
I'm kind of in the middle of talking about, um well, making sure people feel heard, so, yes.
I would love to hear your idea, Dave.
What is it? ‐ Uh, it's kinda like a game.
Pick someone in the audience, and if they can fart on command, they get $500.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
‐ That's your idea.
‐ [laughs.]
No! ‐ Oh.
‐ There's more complexity to it.
If they can't make themselves fart, then it's a wash.
But if they push too hard and poop themselves, they owe the show $500! [scattered laughs, applause.]
And they have seven seconds to do it.
‐ Seven sec‐‐Why seven seconds? ‐ Well, anyone can fart if you give them eight seconds.
[laughter.]
‐ Right, of course.
How silly of me.
Um okay.
Thank you, Dave.
I'm glad I listened to you.
And I want you to know that I heard you.
Um I just think people came here for literally the tiniest bit more intellectual stimulation than that, like ‐ I'm not, uh, totally against it.
‐ This is fucking chaos.
Dave, can you give your microphone to this, uh I'm sorry, what‐‐what is that? ‐ [ahem.]
I came to hear your take, but his idea does sound I would be interested in seeing that.
It's, uh, more than a silly fart game.
It's about mind over body.
Do we control our bodies, [softly.]
or do they control us? [laughter.]
It's a question for the ages.
And, um, I think I, as they say, have one in the chamber.
[laughter.]
‐ That's that's not what the game even is! The game isn't "I have to fart, so give me $500.
" The game is "I don't have to fart, but I can make my body produce such for a prize.
" Jesus fucking Christ! Fine.
We'll do this.
We'll do it with one person.
Allen, can we find a‐‐ Do a contestant thing? [upbeat game show music.]
Okay, this guy, um And Allen, can you put like seven seconds on the clock? Okay, um, ready, set, go.
[audience counting down.]
Shut up! Let him work! [loud ticking.]
[farts.]
[buzzer.]
Oh.
Okay [laughs.]
Okay.
All right, that was Actually fun.
All right.
So just to wrap up, um, I was saying that if someone is acting out, maybe just try to‐‐ GROUP: [chanting.]
One more fart! One more fart! One more fart! ‐ Fine! Yes! Okay! One more! We'll do one more.
Allen, can you Okay seven seconds on the clock.
Ready, set, and‐‐ [elongated fart.]
Wow.
[buzzer.]
[laughter.]
Why did she bring a checkbook? Why would you pack a checkbook? Is it okay if I get back to the point I was trying to make on my television show? ‐ Technically, it's streaming‐‐ ‐ Dave, please.
[laughter.]
[sighs.]
I'm not being my best self, certainly.
Um okay, I'm sorry.
What was I saying? Listen to people who want atten‐‐ I don't even know if I believe in this anymore.
I‐I‐‐You know, I mean, people say if Trump had won an Emmy for "The Apprentice," maybe he wouldn't have run, but, Jesus Christ, you're supposed to be able to lose Emmys without launching a revenge presidency.
You know, Jason Alexander lost eight Emmys in a row, and you don't see him trying to ban Muslims.
He couldn't even parlay that brilliant performance into another sitcom, and you don't see him trying to make a wall, you don't see him grabbing women by their pussies.
And most of the time, he lost to "Frasier's" brother.
You don't hear him saying, "Niles is from Kenya!" [laughter.]
Jason Alexander is a goddamn hero, so‐‐ Give people attention, don't give people attention.
Whatever‐‐you're gonna do what you're gonna do.
I don't give a fuck.
Just please never forget the gracious loser of a private citizen that is Jason Alexander.
[cheers and applause.]
I mean, I feel passionately about it.
[applause continues.]
[exhales.]
And now a message from our local sponsor, Drew Nostume.
[applause.]
‐ Hey, Tommy, what are you gonna be for Halloween? I'm gonna be a scary ghost.
‐ You know what scares me, Samantha? The political climate.
That's why this year I'm getting my costume [echoing.]
from Drew Nostume's New Costumes! MAN: Drew Nostume's New Costumes.
Spook your conservative neighbors with costumes like Female God.
‐ I created the universe, and I have a vagina! Deal with it! MAN: Or what about Mark, The Stay At Home Dad? ‐ I'm comfortable taking care of my kids while my wife earns for our family.
MAN: Yikes! You'll be sure to fill the Right with fright with this next costume: An All Gender Bathroom! ‐ Everybody is welcome to poop in me! ‐ Aah! MAN: And this year's newest costume‐‐ Al Frankenstein! ‐ Uggghhhh MAN: We also have costumes that will make your liberal neighbors Demo‐crap their pants like the "BreitBart" Homepage.
‐ [cackling.]
MAN: And the Trump voter with a PhD! ‐ Without sounding pedantic, Trump's "America first" ethos has us primed for success.
MAN: So this Halloween, creep it real at [solemn piano notes.]
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
‐ Welcome back, everybody.
Your dreams are your ticket out.
One of the great things about having your own show is that you can make your friends come do stuff.
Well, I asked my good pal Tig Notaro, who‐‐ [audience whooping.]
Oh, yeah! [applause.]
Who you may know from the brilliant show "One Mississippi" to do whatever she wanted, and she did‐‐she came and did whatever she wanted.
Here it is.
‐ Hi, I'm Tig Notaro, and I'm a bit of a slow talker, so I thought I'd come out of my comfort zone and head to West Virginia and learn how to be an auctioneer.
Wish me luck.
TIG: I met with Brian Shafer.
For the past 25 years, he's been traveling the U.
S.
Doing charity auctions for people in need and has one of the best cat needlepoint collections I've ever seen.
Brian, what are some of the terms I need to know to be an auctioneer? ‐ Client.
That's who you're working for‐‐ ‐ Client! ‐ Client.
The most important thing you need to know as an auctioneer is the chant, and that's the actual‐‐ ‐ Hey, batter‐batter‐batter‐‐ ‐ That's it.
‐ Do you wanna buy this for $5, do you? ‐ That's correct.
‐ Can I hear you like auction off ‐ Your watch.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna sell this Rolex.
What're ya gonna pay? How 'bout $2,000? Now 2,500.
$3,000.
How 'bout 3,500, $4,000? Could you give it a 4? I've sold it, $3,500.
‐ Wow.
Do you think it's worth 3,500? ‐ People ask me all the time, "Can you appraise this?" I said, "Sure.
About ten seconds after I sell it.
" ‐ Brian, if you had to auction me off, what attributes would you use to kinda sell me? ‐ Wow.
Um [laughter.]
‐ What about the hair? I mean, I have good hair.
‐ You got great hair.
‐ Okay.
So let's start over.
‐ Okay.
I'd say, "She has great hair.
" ‐ Sold! ‐ What else is there? ‐ Uhhhhhhh sold! [laughter.]
And what speed do you have to be talking where people are like, "Oh, this is an auction"? ‐ Well, it's not necessarily speed.
What they do do is communicate numbers‐‐ ‐ Do do? ‐ They do do.
That's right.
They do do.
Ha.
‐ Let's stay on track, Brian.
‐ Yeah, that's right.
Sorry.
They talk fast enough to where they can sell a lotta items quickly, and they abbreviate terms.
Like, who would give me $5? ‐ And then you go, "Who would give me 10?" ‐ That's it, and shorten it.
Who'da gimme it? Who'da gimme it? ‐ Who'dagibbyda? ‐ Who'da gimme dat.
Who'da gimme da.
‐ Who'da gibby da? So you went to school and your teacher said, "That's right, say 'Who'da gibby da'"? ‐ That's called a filler word.
‐ Who'da gimme da $10? Who‐‐who‐‐now who'da gimme da $15? Now who'da gimme da $20? ‐ Who'da gimme the 3, now 4, who would gimme 5, now 6, who would gimme 7? ‐ Is this someone else's little word? ‐ I'm sure somebody uses it.
‐ I wanna come up with my own thing, though.
‐ We'll have to come up with one.
‐ What about "hey, tiggy now"? ‐ That's great.
Hey, tigga now 1, hey, tigga now 2, hey, tigga now 3, now 4, now 5 now 6, hey, tigga now 7.
So you switch it up to where they do not get bored of that.
And then come back‐‐ ‐ Keep the audience.
TIG: It was time for the last phase of my training.
So we went outside and did the exact same thing standing up.
‐ You've got the basics of the chant down now.
Using your filler word "tigga now," start at 10, tigga, now 20.
Go up to 100.
And what we're gonna do is we're gonna time you and see if you can get it done in ten seconds.
Go.
‐ 10 now, 20 now, 30 now, gimme now 40 now, gimme the tigga now, 50 now, tigga now, 50‐‐60 now, tigga now, 70 now, tigga now oh, boy.
[click.]
‐ 11 seconds.
‐ That was 11 seconds? ‐ 11 seconds.
‐ All right.
Do it again.
Go.
‐ Tigga now 10, tigga now 20, tigga now 30, tigga now 40, tigga now 50, tigga now 60, tigga now 70‐‐Damn it! ‐ You're not throwin' baseballs.
You're just back and forth.
‐ Okay.
Go! ‐ 10, now 20, gimme 10, let's take‐‐take it to 30.
‐ Go.
‐ 10 now, 20 now, 30 now, 40 now, 50 now, 60 now, 70 now, 80 now, 90 now, 100 now.
‐ Four seconds.
‐ Ohhh ‐ That's awesome! ‐ I'll see ya at the auction.
‐ We got this.
‐ One red car comin' towards me, telephone pole on the right, blue truck in front of me.
We got a graveyard up here on the right.
No, that's not a graveyard, that's just someone's front yard with flags in it waving in the yard.
There's a farmers' market.
That's one farmers' market, one gas truck.
[car horn honks.]
Sorry.
BRIAN: All right, what you wanna pay? 5, now $7, who'da gimme the 10? 10, 15, now 20? I've sold it.
Thank you, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of my new best friends.
Tig, would you come up here, please? [light applause.]
‐ Thank you.
Um I just learned today.
BRIAN: Hey, look at this! This is a 9/11 flag.
"Never forget.
" Look at this.
Now Tig's gonna sell this.
‐ "Never forget.
" Let's start it out at 20.
Can you give me 20? Can you give me 20, Tigga me 20? 20, 20, 20, 20? All right, I'll give you 10.
10.
How am I doing? [laughter.]
Uh 10? 5? Now 5‐‐Oh, 5.
Okay.
5, uh 6.
Okay, give me 6‐‐6? Oh, 6! Yeah, this is going well.
Uh, 6, now 7.
Oh, 7! Can you give me 8? Can you give me 9? Uh, tiggleby 9, tiggleby 10.
10! Can you gimme 11? Tiggleby 11 tiggleby 11.
Tiggleby, uh Do we just sell it? BRIAN: You can.
‐ Sold! All right.
BRIAN: Fantastic! ‐ That went really well.
It didn't go as well as I had hoped, and I forgot everything, and I realized I started saying a word that was never even you know up for discussion.
I just started saying "tiggleby.
" Uh yeah, I panicked.
It was a tough crowd.
I'm gonna go back in there.
I'm gonna drop "tiggleby," and then I'm gonna up the ante with a couple more items that I think are gonna really pull in some cash.
Brian.
‐ Yes.
‐ I think I'm ready to give it another shot.
‐ Are you really? Okay! Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.
‐ I've got something.
A bachelor.
My personal assistant.
Thomas.
Come on in.
BRIAN: Come on, Thomas.
‐ Right here.
Thomas is a single guy.
I'm gonna auction him off.
You know, maybe you're not looking for a bachelor.
Maybe you're looking for a best friend.
Sir, in the hat, you looking for a best friend? Don't answer.
Think it over.
I'm gonna start Thomas off at $2.
Can you give me $2? $2 for Thomas.
$2.
$2 for Thomas, that's good with kids, has a moustache.
Thomas, you wanna take your shirt off? See if we can really get some sales goin' here.
All right, $50 for Thomas right here.
$50 MAN: $50 to put it back on.
‐ $50 to put his shirt back on.
Okay.
[laughs.]
Sold right there at the back.
50 bucks to put his shirt back on, and he's your new best friend.
[scattered applause.]
BRIAN: You challenged yourself really well today.
You set a high bar, and I think you did well.
‐ I'm gonna keep practicing and get better and better and one day really blow the roof off of this church and ‐ That'd be great.
There's a tradition when you become an auctioneer, you gain the rank of colonel.
When I graduated Nashville Auction School, I got this‐‐this is really important to me.
I got this when I graduated, and now, you have graduated.
And you are now a colonel.
‐ [laughing.]
Oh, my gosh.
‐ That's yours.
‐ That is so‐‐ This used to be yours? ‐ It was mine.
I've had it since I graduated auction school.
So we had your name put on it.
‐ "Colonel Tig Notaro.
" Thank you.
‐ You earned it.
You did really well.
‐ I feel like Luke Skywalker saying good‐bye to Yoda.
‐ I'm gonna die now? I mean, what is that? [laughter.]
‐ Yoda lived to be over 900 years old.
‐ I don't wanna be bent over walking with a cane.
I don't wanna live to 900‐‐ ‐ Even with three claws? ‐ No.
‐ Okay.
‐ No! ‐ Let's get outta here.
‐ Live long not‐‐not me.
‐ Ha.
You are Yoda.
Tiggleby 1, tiggleby me 2, tiggleby 3, tiggleby 4.
[tap.]
Sold! [cheers and applause.]
‐ And she is here to show her wares tonight.
Come on out, Colonel Tig! [cheers and applause.]
All right.
Okay, are you have you been honing your skills? ‐ Oh, yeah.
Um this is me two months after I filmed that.
‐ Uh‐huh.
‐ And I am at the top of my game.
[laughter.]
‐ Wow.
What is the item you're auctioning off? ‐ It is a $100‐bill.
CROWD: Whoo! ‐ Ooh! So let's do it.
Sounds like a good idea.
Go for it.
‐ All right.
[in "auctioneer" voice.]
I have $100 Who needs $100? [laughter.]
$100! I have $100 ready to auction off.
I lied to Sarah.
I have not been practicing.
I'm gonna start it off at 20.
Tiggleby 20, tiggleby 20 1.
Tiggleby 22! Tiggleby 23, 24, 25, 26, 27‐‐Tiggle‐‐ Tiggleby 20 8, tiggleby 29.
This is so easy! [laughter.]
Tiggleby 28, tiggleby 29, tig‐‐or tiggleby‐‐ ‐ 30.
[laughter.]
‐ Let me figure this out on my own.
‐ Sorry.
‐ What if I get back out in the wild, and I don't know what I'm doing? ‐ I got caught up.
‐ Yeah, I did too.
I think we were all really caught up in that moment.
Tiggleby 30, 35, 40, 45, 50‐‐you know what? I forgot to actually look to see if there was anyone raising their hand.
Tiggleby 80, 85? 80‐‐85? 85 going once, 85 going‐‐ 90, tiggleby 95.
Tiggleby 90‐‐100.
[laughter.]
Sold! Sir, you earned it.
‐ [indistinct.]
‐ No, give this to your‐‐ Give this to your loved one.
ALL: Aw! ‐ And that is how it's done, everybody.
So many pointless exchanges of money tonight on the show.
It is‐‐I think it's a real metaphor for how the world is right now.
Am I right? Eh, I don't know.
Maybe not.
We'll be right back after we sell some soap for the fuckin' Man.
[cheers and applause.]
‐ Welcome back.
We are in the home stretch, and I'm having a blast.
Everything's gone really well, and I'm excited that we‐‐ ‐ Ah‐heh‐hem! ‐ Oh, my God, Mather! ‐ No, I‐I'm sorry.
I just feel like we haven't cut to me in a while ‐ No! You're right! I'm sorry! But it's it is kind of cool because, you know, you're here for when things get a little crazy.
But all that insanity at the top of the show, and I feel like I handled it.
And the audience seemed to be onboard, and, you know, that's a testament to you.
You were my training wheels and, you know, I guess I've I've learned how to ride a bike.
‐ Great.
I'm glad I could help you make me irrelevant.
[laughter.]
‐ Okay.
Uh I'm sorry, I guess that wasn't a great analogy.
I can't remember‐‐ do training wheels look at you like you're a fucking asshole for learning how to ride a bike? [laughter.]
‐ Gee, I don't know.
Do bikes not thank their training wheels for their service? ‐ What are you, a Marine? I hate this energy.
I'm sorry.
Let's‐‐We can cut this whole thing out, right? And why don't we just kind of like laugh like something funny happened, and you can introduce the next piece, okay? [both laughing.]
‐ And now take a look at Sarah's interview with her old friend Senator Al Franken.
Let's roll the clip.
‐ That was really good.
‐ Yeah.
I'm a professional.
‐ Okay.
[laughter.]
First of all, I know that you hate liars.
‐ Right.
‐ Which is why you decided to spend your time with senators.
‐ [laughs.]
Uh, yeah.
I really do very much like my colleagues.
And I spend more time with Democratic colleagues, but I like colleagues on both sides of the aisle.
And I would say that I try to be a truth teller, but I understand that there are sometimes limits.
You can say something that's true and not be recklessly true.
[laughs.]
‐ Example.
‐ I was talking about‐‐ ‐ Ow! I bruise like a peach.
Go on.
You were talking? ‐ I was just "Franken Batters Woman In" [both laughing.]
‐ "Franklin Likes Beastiality.
" ‐ Ha.
Yes.
Well, that was uh, you read the book.
‐ Well, no.
I'm seven hours in.
‐ Oh! You're listening to the audio.
‐ You have to listen to the audio book.
So much of the humor is you delivering it.
And that book is built for the dehumanizer, by the way, because‐‐ ‐ The DeHumorizer.
‐ The dehumanizer.
The DeHumorizer.
Ooh, dehumanizer.
‐ I know.
‐ But there's so much in that book you can take out of context and sound terrible because you're so sarcastic.
‐ [laughing.]
‐ But it's incredible.
‐ It's funny‐‐the publisher said to me like, uh "We can have someone else read the book.
" Isn't that funny? ‐ So insulting! ‐ I thought it was more clueless.
‐ Who would you have read your book? ‐ Bernie.
[both laughing.]
[as Bernie.]
I grew up in St.
Louis Park, Minnesota.
[laughter.]
‐ That's so good! Oh.
‐ In a two‐bedroom house.
I felt like the luckiest kid in the world, 'cause I was.
Something like that? ‐ Yes.
That is your book.
I love it.
‐ Yeah.
‐ When I interview people on this show, the common thread is people who have experienced change in their life.
So would you say‐‐Where would be your inciting incident? ‐ What changed my life was my wife Franni‐‐and I'm very frank about this in the book‐‐ she had a drinking problem.
She was an alcoholic.
She is an alcoholic.
She's a recovering alcoholic.
And also Tom Davis, my partner, was your garden variety alcoholic but did coke and did everything, you know.
So when my wife went in rehab, I started going to Al‐Anon.
And in Al‐Anon, I started to realize that I'd become a jerk.
And it was in a certain reaction to being with these two, um two alcoholics.
And I started looking at myself a little bit closer and taking care of me, and I became a nicer person.
And, uh, Stuart Smalley, the character who came out of this‐‐ And what came out of this‐‐ ‐ Wait.
You should pause for‐‐ There'll be applause in the studio audience.
‐ [laughing.]
‐ No, nothing? Okay, sorry, go on.
‐ Okay.
Uh Stuart would do a lot of 12‐step jargony stuff.
And one of them was, "It is easier to put on slippers than to carpet the entire world.
" ‐ Oh! ‐ And [laughing.]
So, you know, when you're a senator, you're trying to carpet the world.
But how it relates to you is you came after that, 'cause that was about '85, '86.
So I started ‐ Yeah, I was there in '93, '94.
‐ Doing Al‐Anon.
And, uh you, uh, told me last time we talked, uh something about how I came up to you after I'd seen you in the subway or something? ‐ Is that part of, like, a step? We were not unfriendly, but you weren't[stammering.]
I wasn't on your radar, I don't think.
‐ When you first came to the show.
‐ And I was just a kid, and you came up to me You came up to me and you were like, [as Al.]
"I just wanna say I'm sorry.
" You know, like for what? And you're like, "I didn't like you.
[laughter.]
"Then I saw you" "in the subway station, "and you were giving people directions, and you were nice.
" ‐ Yeah, well ‐ It was like ‐ I was hoping I did it in a even nicer way than that.
‐ It was.
I have to have that face to do your voice.
‐ I was working on myself during that time.
‐ I was very moved by it, and it made me very happy ‐ Well, yeah ‐ Because I loved you.
‐ Well, I love you too.
‐ I said loved.
[laughter.]
‐ Well, then I guess it's out.
I love you.
‐ I love you too, you son of a gun! We kiss on the lips! ‐ That's what we do.
‐ That's what we do! [laughter.]
Well, I paid hours ago, so I guess we're good to go.
‐ Okay.
Let's go.
‐ See ya later.
[laughter, applause.]
[Al laughing.]
Thank you, Al.
That's the show.
See ya next week.
Good night, America.
I "lerve" you.
[cheers and applause.]
[upbeat jazz.]
‐ Oh, [mumbling.]
75 cents, a dollar, $3, [mumbling.]
$2, do I hear $2? Do I have $3, $3, $3, $4, $4, $4.
Sold! You know, the first auction I ever went to was at a, um‐‐ What do they call it? Burlesque show at the Old Howard in Boston, Massachusetts.
And in between the show, there were comedians‐‐ I don't think Sarah ever was there‐‐ comedians and people that took off their clothes, girls who took off their clothes, and they would go all the way down to pasties.
Whoo! That was big‐time.
[laughter.]
And, uh in the middle, they would auction off boxes of candy.
And in the candy were prizes.
And the guy would say, "50 cents for a box of candy, "50 cents‐‐there's one there! Open up your box! "He's got a new watch! "And, oh, there's another one, this boy has got a bracelet inside!" And, uh, of course I never bought one, 'cause I knew it was full of bullshit.
I was just there to see, uh well, I was young and it was in the '50s.
"I wanted to see what a tit looked like.
" [laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]