I Rock (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

(GUITAR AMP HUMS) (POWER CHORD PLAYS) (BAND AND CHOIR PERFORM GOSPEL ANTHEM) Lord, we humbly ask you give Boy Crazy Stacey the gift of your Holy Spirit so that their fingers slap at the right frets, their voices hit the right notes.
We ask that their awesome sounds hit the joy button inside everyone.
(SIGHS) Tell me again how we got into this situation.
(SOUNDTRACK REWINDS) NASH: Stop.
(TYRES SQUEAL) JASPER: Should have been there by now.
You're the one who printed out this stupid map.
COMET: Least I'm getting to see the Bible Belt.
Why they would hold a festival out here is beyond me.
He does know, doesn't he? Yeah, of course.
(HORN TOOTS, PEOPLE CHEER) Festival cars, 12 o'clock.
(PEOPLE CHEER) How could anyone live out here? (MIC FEEDBACK WHINES) NASH: Yeah, whoever JC is, bit of an egomaniac.
Do we just grab shit or what? 'Skids' Taylor! Skids? No-one calls me that anymore.
Nash.
Apologies, bro.
Old habits.
Todd.
You must be the skins man? Yeah, mate.
Luke.
After the disciple.
Wicked.
Hey, look, I know you homies are more of a secular band.
But we have this little tradition.
Hey.
Can I get two bourbon-and-Cokes? (LAUGHS) That is so Come on, Skids.
What's the word, man? Come on.
Mrs Canning used to use it for Year 10 English.
Remember? Uh Look, doesn't matter.
The deal is before taking the stage every band receives a blessing.
Hey, I know what you're thinking.
Lame City, right? But it will get you pumped! I promise, man.
What is this? Some sort of Christian festival? Droll.
Droll! That's what you are, dog.
Come on, let's have a drink.
I'll introduce you to a few people.
Red Sea or Calvary crush? JASPER: Nash! Nash.
Are the keys in the glove box? LUKE: Der! As if anyone's going to steal it here.
Last time I checked, you don't even have a licence.
So, uh You all knew about this.
We thought you did too.
Seriously, dog, once you nail that macaco, you're going to be a lean, mean capoeira machine.
Oi, have you got 20 bucks? Holy crud! Skids.
Todd, from school - remember? I remember.
So your brother tells us your band needs a few more true believers.
Soul Surprise.
Trinity.
I've never heard of any of these guys.
Burning Bush.
I think they have more cult followings.
(SCOFFS) We're going to be the biggest band at this thing.
So, we're off to Byron Bay to play a major festival.
Break a leg.
Did I hear that you guys were playing at a Ch (DRYER WHINES LOUDLY) It is called the Resurrocktion.
I thought they were being ironic.
Why would you guys want to come to this, anyway? Virgins.
I thought you wanted to.
(ENGINE STARTS FEEBLY) LUKE: It would help if you used the clutch there, mate.
JASPER: You said you wanted to play festivals.
I mean, you said you wanted to expand our fan base.
There's thousands of people here and they're here for one reason.
Beating off over Jesus? No.
Music.
That beats off over Jesus.
We're an indie band.
We'll never be able to show our faces in Newtown again.
No, you're wrong - they're open-minded kids who just want to have a good time.
They're as good an audience as any.
LUKE: Nash! G'day, mate.
Help you with something? Yeah.
I need a million normal people to download my EP.
(LAUGHS) Sorry to laugh.
You just reminded me of my latest Twittistry post.
What Christ could have achieved with the internet, hey? Whoo! Jasper.
Sorry, what's that? Nothing.
Of course, all he had was a message, totally awesome message, that he passed on to a few people.
Ignorant people who'd never heard anything so awesome in all their lives.
Then they passed that message on to a few more people.
So on and so forth.
And now Jesus.
He's pretty much the most popular guy in the world, isn't he? And here we are.
(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS) Sorry, mate.
Gotta Pibsy to the fizzle! (LAUGHS) How are you, my brother? (SINGS) Come on and give it to me You want to give it to me If the shoe don't fit It wasn't meant to be Oh, girl You know you've got to give it to Planning on taking my job? No, I mean We've already been paid for the gig, so we would have had to have gone on anyway.
What happened? We have an awesome message to spread.
(MUSIC AND CHATTERING NEARBY) This is so the right decision.
We're going to kill it.
I don't know.
We're up against a spirituality workshop and a Burning Bush album signing.
No guarantee anyone's even going to come.
Oh, come on, Luke.
Have a little faith.
TODD: Boy Crazy Stacey in the house.
Everyone say g'day.
MEN: G'day.
Meet the other two-thirds of Goodspeed.
This is Brad, my beat machine.
Clint's my funkmeister.
So nice to meet you.
(LUKE MUTTERS) Hmm.
The man works fast.
You must be dating this stud, right? Uh, just friends.
Nash is your classic rock bachelor.
Huh! Well, I wish I could say I was jealous.
But the grass really is greener on the other side.
CHILD: Daddy! Daddy! Hey! There's my little man.
Where's Mummy? She said she needed some alone time.
Oh.
You think we should go see some Jeez Extreme BMX Gang? Yep.
Fancy seeing some young punks get serious there? CLINT: Or you could hang here.
We're thinking charades.
Jasper loves charades.
He is totally down.
Comet and I have some work to do.
So Sly dog.
(GENERAL CHATTER) MAN: Absolutely.
COMET: So, what's your plan for converting the Christians? How hard can it be? Hey! Ahem.
Hey.
Um, guys, I'm gonna let you listen to something.
And if you're worried about headphone hygiene at all, don't be.
I don't have an ear infection or anything.
There I am, right, in the back room of the Oxford Hotel with my supposed best friend, these two strippers on front of me, both covered in Greek yoghurt.
I used to have to get the flush-out with the big metal syringe.
Did you guys ever have that? The doctor put, like, this big metal tray under your ear and then squirt, goosh, and at the end the end there'd be all these white, oozy globules floating around in it.
Um The one on the left's pulled the beads out, the one on the right's put the beads back in.
That's when I thought, "There's just got to be more to life than this.
" How old are you? We're all God's children.
So, you're going to the Iona Passion play.
Is that on every half an hour? Like, spoiler alert - Jesus dies We shit all over the Passion play.
No offence, but (WOMEN LAUGH) Is that alcohol? It was water when it went in.
Do you want to give me one reason why I shouldn't have you kicked out of here? CLINT: House.
Roof.
WOMAN: Triangle.
Hat.
BRAD: Ledge.
Um, ledge.
CLINT: Triangle mountain! Something mountain! First word.
Sore.
Injury.
MAN: Stab.
WOMAN: Pain.
(ALL CALL OUT) Injury.
Saddleback.
CLINT: Painful mountain? 'Brokeback Mountain'? Yes! Yes! I love that shirt, by the way.
What's your favourite album? 'Oh, My Goodness', probably.
That's their favourite too.
Did you know that? (LAUGHS) I was talking to the Burning Bush guys the other day, actually.
And he actually wants our band to go on tour with them later this year.
No way.
I know.
I'm still spun out.
Um, hey, can I be a pain and get you to listen to our new song? It's not even on the Net yet.
WOMAN: Oh, my goodness, it's Todd! (WOMEN SCREAM, CLAMOUR) Thanks.
Hey, Skids.
What is up? Apart from the obvious, man.
You having fun? It's off the chain.
Well, I need a bit of chill-out time before the big gig.
Care to hang with the Toddster? Uh, I'll just try to rustle up some audience for our spot.
Skids, why didn't you say? Everyone! Everyone.
Shh, shh, shh.
My name's Todd (WOMAN SCREAMS) I'm guessing you've heard of my band, Goodspeed.
Well, my good mate Nash here has a band as well - Boing Crazy Tracey.
Just because you never heard of them, don't let that put you off.
CLINT: Somebody accidentally kicked the instructor in the head and he had to go to emergency.
JASPER: Yeah? Yeah.
So, is Todd good at capoeira? I bet he's really good.
Oh, absolutely.
If you guys weren't on tour so much, he'd be top of the class.
He keeps in amazing shape.
I wish I had his body.
Look at me - chowing down on junk.
What are you talking about? You must go to the gym.
Well, I am getting into Body Attack, but I'm still such a blob.
Seriously, man, you're in great shape.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Aw! Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
I just thought of the most awesome thing for us to do.
Are you in? What do you think? I wouldn't say alcoholic.
Happy drunk, life-of-the-party kind of guy.
I never buy any alcohol for less than $2 a litre.
But you're a smart guy, Christian.
You know that it won't provide you with any answers.
What makes you the big foxy expert anyway? I went into rehab for the first time when I was about 20.
Oh, you're amazing That's where I met my husband.
O K.
He really saved me.
Him and the Church.
God, you've got a great rack.
(MOANS) Oh! Cheese.
Cheese! Good on you, guys.
Thank you.
As soon as our second album goes gold in the US, our management want us to do a stadium tour over there.
Hi.
What's your name? I'm Timpani.
Timpani! Like the drum? No wonder you're a music fan.
But I'm like, "No! Look at the Newsboys.
"Let's wait till we go platinum.
" Why not double platinum? Or maybe triple platinum would be better.
TODD: Skids, I'm sensing some hostility here.
Now, I don't blame you for feeling that way.
Look, we both know I was a prick to you at school.
And I felt terrible about that for years.
I mean, that time I tried to attach electrodes to your balls in the science lab.
It's fine.
Don't mention it.
TODD: Thank God I didn't succeed.
I mean, it took me a long time to realise I needed help with my anger.
And some substance abuse issues.
The thing is, when people are trying to help you, they're usually acting out of self-interest.
In the end, there's only one guy that's always there for you.
Jesus Christ.
Exactly.
Hi, Todd.
Can I just say I saw you guys in Houston last year and you were so amazing.
I hope you keep spreading the good word.
(SUAVELY) Thank you so much.
I mean, what else is rock music all about? Fucking Jesus! Oh! Oh Oh (BOUNC Y-CASTLE JUMPERS SHRIEK) JASPER: Whoo! (LAUGHS) WOMAN: OK, guys.
If I could get you guys to hop off, please.
MEN: Aw! (BOTH LAUGH) Oh my God! I only wish my brother had been here.
Why? Does he like bouncy castles? No, he's just so narrow-minded sometimes.
Like, he never believes that just because a guy's a Christian rocker doesn't mean he can't be gay.
(LAUGHS) Excuse me? I think it's great that you're gay and Christian.
I'm not gay.
Really? As if.
Faggots and dykes are going straight to hell.
"Let's wait till we go platinum.
" He can shove his 100,000 album sales up his arse.
I think platinum means a million in the US.
How the hell does a fuck-knuckle like Todd become so popular? Because he cares too much what people think about him.
That's what's great about you! Totally the opposite.
Why? 'Cause everyone hates me? No.
Popular people are full of shit.
That's not true.
Look at you.
What is that smell? Let's just say some portable structures aren't quite as stable as they appear.
We humbly ask you give Boy Crazy Stacey the gift of your Holy Spirit so that their fingers slap at the right frets, their voices hit the right notes.
We ask that their awesome sounds hit the joy button inside everyone.
(APPLAUSE OUTSIDE) (QUIETLY IMITATES ROARING CROWD) Bless the crew, so their tuning stays rock solid throughout the gig.
And finally, the soundies, man, for making sure that the band blows the eardrums of every punter in His-ah house-ah.
Give it to me one time.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Amen.
You do it.
Amen.
You.
Ah Come on.
Amen.
Amen.
(AUDITORIUM SPEAKER) standing before God as the books were opened (WHISPERS) Good luck, guys.
Look, just to put the manager hat on for a second, I think we should take a couple of the ruder songs out of the set list.
What happened to open-minded kids who just want to have a good time? Nash, one of our songs is called 'No Book is a Bible'.
Do you want us to play 'Kumbaya' like in Year 5 music prac? We're spreading a message.
I think it would work better if it's a nice message.
The whole point of rock is not caring what people think.
The set list stays.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING) OK, kids.
Prepare to be frickin' baptised.
Sammy was a mistake Her daddy said so Sit in a house full of doors Without a window Do whatever he says And if you think no Turn it into a yes Oh, no book No book is a Bible What's he saying? "No blues survival"? I think it's, "Yo, this book is a Bible.
" No, it's "No book is a Bible"?! What?! Sammy made an escape Made up her own law Got a heart made of break A body made of straw Now she'll fuck anything to set fire to it As long as you got a match Oh, no book No book is a Bible No book No book is a Bible If the shoe don't fit then it's not meant to be Oh, give it to me You wanna give it to me Oh, girl, I know you wanna I'm making sounds and they're oh, so, so polite When I should say, "You're coming home with me tonight" I had a plan and it went from 'A' to 'B' to nothing This is a last-ditch shot on the buzzer Hot damn! Come on and give it to me Well, if the shoe don't fit (AUDIENCE SHOUTS RESTLESSLY) Come home to me Oh, girl Oh, yeah (SHOUTING) (BAND PLAYS CODA) (MIXED APPLAUSE, HISSING) (COUGHS) Now for some good new stuff coming up from our EP really soon.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Boo! (MOUTHS) Kumbaya, my Lord Kumbaya Kumbaya, my Lord Kumbaya (APPLAUSE, CHEERING) (TODD PLAYS LEAD GUITAR) (ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Terahna! Get back here! (TODD PLAYS FINAL NOTE) (ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE) Hello, Sydney.
Now, who wants us to play with Boy Crazy Stacey? AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yes! TODD: Very cool.
Now, this is one from our latest album, is this - 'He is All I Need'.
What are you doing? Looks like you need a little bit of help.
Chords are D, A, B-flat, F.
Watch me for the changes.
(APPLAUSE CONTINUES) (MELLOW INTRO) (TODD SINGS) Whoa Whoa Mmm I am humble, I am humble I am humble before my Lord I am humble, I am humble Humble before my Lord Well, I am (BAND PLAYS HARD ROCK) Humble I am humble (NASH MOUTHS) Well, I am humble, I am humble I am humble before my Lord He is all I need Only he Makes me complete Well, he is all I need He is all I need Well, he is all I need Oh Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa, yeah Whoa Whoa Oh, yeah.
(WILD APPLAUSE) Yeah! Whoa! TODD: Holy crap! What the fuck was that? Whoa, whoa.
Mind your language.
Fucketty-fuck-fuck-fuck you, you duck-witted fucking fucktard.
Totally crashed our set, Todd.
Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but you just got to play to the Goodspeed masses.
They just had to listen to the biggest bunch of brainwash spaz music I've ever heard in my life.
TODD: Hey, Brad Yeah, come on.
Look, it's "turn the other cheek" o'clock, bro.
Now, a lot of people paid good money to be here today.
And we all showed them a good time.
If you're so unhappy with yourself that you can't accept that, then, mate, I'm sorry.
You are so still the same fuckwit that you were at school.
Still trying to prove you're better than everyone else.
And look - you've even joined a special little club for that purpose.
Well, at least I didn't shit in my togs at swimming carnivalSkids.
He told you not to call him that.
Don't you push him.
JASPER: Don't you push him.
WOMAN: Oops! Ooh! Oh, where did you go? LUKE: Hello.
Have you got any more love juice? Uh, she means bourbon, yeah? Michelle? (SLURS) Oh, Todd! I thought you weren't playing until later.
What have you done? Do you really want to know? I was talking to my wife.
Well, I'm sorry, Todd.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you.
It's just nice to talk to somebody who's not up on a high-judgy-horse-chair thing.
BO Y: Mum, you smell.
Oh, fuc dge.
Ethan! Mummy's just a little bit sick, honey.
(RETCHES) (NASH LAUGHS) Oh, you guys are so fucked up.
(LAUGHS) Ugh! Ooh! Oh LUKE: That's it.
Right.
What's it gonna be Jasper? (BRAZILIAN FIGHT MUSIC) ETHAN: Gross! What's wrong with Mum? Uh, she just ate a bad pluto pup.
MAN: Whoo! (BRAZILIAN FIGHT MUSIC CONTINUES) What's Daddy doing? Oh, he's just dancing, sweetie.
(MICHELLE VOMITS) TODD: Whoo! You guys are going to have a long night at confession next week, hey? Huh? Oh.
(SQUEAKS) Whoo! Just hit him, Jasper.
(ALL GROAN) (AUDIENCE CLAPS RHYTHMICALLY OUTSIDE) Testify that, bitch! Ha.
I just got so angry.
I Who needs JC protecting your arse when you got JT? I could have taken him.
(ALL SPLUTTER, LAUGH) You know, somehow I don't think we made any new fans today.
Oh, you got us, don't ya? (PHONE RINGS) Cara.
Hey.
Where are you? LUKE: Ha.
Not quite.
(WOMAN ON TV) Live from Splendour, we're talking to overnight success Akimbo! So how are you guys? The term 'overnight success' somewhat undermines my lifetime dedication to music, but Uh, so, Jane Humphries, how are you finding things? Oh, it's so exciting.
I just met Beck! He's so nice.
I'm putting a photo on my blog - premenstrualasanything.
Com.
So check it out.
And sign the Save the Forest petition.
(INTRO TO 'NO BOOK IS A BIBLE') Sammy was a mistake Her daddy said so Sit in a house full of doors without a window Do whatever he says And if you think no Turn it into a yes