If You See God, Tell Him (1993) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
# I was walking along # Minding my business # When out of an orange-coloured sky # Flash, bam, alakazam # Wonderful you came by # I was humming a tune # Drinking in sunshine # When out of that orange-coloured view # Flash, bam, alakazam # I got a look at you # One look and I yelled "Timberl" #"Watch out for flying glass" # Cos the ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out # I went into a spin and I started to shout # I've been hit, this is it, this is it # Not long ago, the man who works at our local baker's shop tragically took his life by sticking his head in the bread-oven with a glacé cherry on his nose.
Before carrying out this macabre deed, he had iced a suicide note onto a four-tier wedding cake, giving details of the breakdown of his marriage and his unrequited love for Harry Carpenter.
To all of us who went in the shop, he'd always seemed such a happy man.
Although we afterwards learnt that his constant, wide grin was in fact due to having once tried to eat a French loaf sideways.
And that for the last seven years, he'd been completely mad.
The point is that what made this terrible affair particularly heart-rending was that it happened at Christmas.
And as a result, we had to go somewhere else to buy our mince pies.
Fortunately, we can never be gloomy for long at Christmas, can we? Because no matter how things change, the real message of Christmas is one that will always endure, embodied by the special joy of takings that are ten per cent up on last year's, as shoppers flock to the stores for a high-street buying bonanza.
It's a time when we remember loved ones who are no longer with us.
A time to recognise the love and affection bestowed by those who still care for us so deeply.
There's been a lot of upset these last few weeks.
You've got to give these things time.
Where does he get it all from? You can't tell me it's the behaviour of a rational man.
Oh, Jesus.
(Child crying) It ain't fair! He's taken it.
He went up there.
I made that specially.
It's in the road.
(Sighs) (Boy sobbing) It ain't fair.
(Sneezes) I'm back.
Darling? Where are you? I'm upstairs, Gordon.
Shan't be a second.
- Is Muriel not back yet? - She phoned to say she'd be late.
Something she had to stay on at school for.
Oh.
Is all - Is all this stuff yours? - Just finishing off my Christmas presents.
One or two last-minute items.
Last-minute items? It's still the first week in November.
I mean, here we are, the fifth of Oh, my God above! I know.
And guess what, Gordon.
It was a real bargain.
A little boy at the end of the road was selling them for only a penny each.
And in future, don't bring filthy, worm-ridden old Oh, God, what is this? It's easy, isn't it, for the misery of Christmas colds to get you down? It starts off here, with nasal congestion.
Which leads to tension above the eyes and that dull, thumping pain we call headache.
I can't understand what's brought it on.
That's when you know it's time to reach for new, soluble Tenstrex, with its special, fast-acting formula.
Since I started taking Tenstrex, I haven't had a single period pain.
Feels more like some kind of allergic reaction.
I'd swear there was a (Meowing) I knew it! Oh, God almighty! Get that away from Where the hell did it come from? I'm sorry, Gordon, it's one of the rules.
November 5th, you must keep pets inside your house.
It was either that or a canary.
I'm Tandy de Silva and I'm a woman of today, which means I like to work hard and play hard.
And that doesn't leave much time for preparing food.
I'm bold, provocative, yet still softly feminine.
So, whatever I choose in life, it has to be the best.
(Scraping) And the best is the Mashatsu 2000 remote-controlled microwave.
(Pinging) And if the pressure of work means I can't always be home on time, that's no problem, either, because the Mashatsu remote control can also be used over the phone (Bleeping) leaving me much more time for the important things in life.
(Man) The remote-controlled Mashatsu 2000.
Well, Errol, I think it's time we were packing up, don't you? I've just got the two side bits to do, then I'm finished.
You can do the rest of it at home - but I want these back in the morning.
- Thanks, Mrs Spry.
And don't smudge it.
You won't be able to put it on the wall.
- Do you think that was wise, Muriel? - It's called encouraging talent.
I see university material in that child.
Really? What's he going to take? History, maths and the lead off the roof? It was one incident, Derek, three years ago.
I've made a lot of progress with him since then.
- He's got a completely new attitude.
- Hm.
Why is it you just won't trust any of these children? - (Screams) - Hey! (Shouting, fire alarm) (Cutlery chinking on plates) (Purring) Oh I think he's hungry.
You're hungry, aren't you? Oh, you little terror.
Aren't you a little terror, hm? How old did you say he was, Uncle? He'll be four months next Tuesday, Muriel.
(Bunged up) What makes you think he'll still be alive then? - Don't be such a baby.
- A baby? He only leapt into our bed last night and tried to rip off my face.
Just wants to be loved, don't you? It's bad enough living with the cast of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, without having A Nightmare On Elm Street, as well.
Oh, dear.
Rusty, what's the answer, hm? You mean which cat food is kindest to your kitten's teeth? Well, in tests, nine out of ten cats chose new, munch-sized Skrumples.
Specially fortified with essential minerals and vitamins, Skrumples contains all the calcium necessary to keep a growing cat's teeth and claws in tip-top condition.
(Woman) Spodely's munch-sized Skrumples.
One crunch and a kitten's smitten.
Right, that's it.
I'm gonna gas it.
It's messed on those magazines in the lounge again.
He's only a kitten, Gordon.
There's enough crap in the TV Times as it is.
And a Jesus, did you see that? There's a flea.
Hopped right off my arm.
Bugger! Look at that.
That's my blood.
Thank you very much, Gordon.
That'll go nicely with the apples and cranberries.
Where's the insect spray? (# Winter Wonderland) # Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? # In the lane, snow is glistening # A beautiful sight # We're happy tonight # Walking in a winter wonderland # Gone away is the bluebird # Here to stay is a new bird # He sings a love song as we go along # Walking in a winter wonderland # (Gordon) Eight boxes of Nesbitt & Pasco's scented soaps.
22 Bloxham's junior spanner-and-socket kits.
39 videos of Boney M live.
28 Samantha Langley pure silk bra-slips and 34 bottles of Rawhide body rub.
- Who are they all for? - They're Christmas presents, Gordon.
Yes.
- But who are they all for? - They're Christmas presents.
- They must have cost a bloody fortune.
- Yes, they did.
Where did you get the money from? Money, Muriel? Oh.
Haven't you heard the good news? This Christmas, money's no object with a Murchison's flexi-charge card.
Welcomed at over 250 branches, it means you can say goodbye to all those cashflow problems and hello to all those good buys.
(Man) Yeah.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Anyway, I've got to go.
He did? Oh.
When was that? Wednesday? No.
Some form of rectal hernia, I believe.
You are pulling my porker.
You are pulling my porker.
You are pulling my porker.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, I've got to g Yeah.
Yeah.
Okey-dokey, Marcie.
Bye.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, then, Mrs Spry.
The Sultan three-seater.
I was just going to check that for you, wasn't I? Yes.
Because we d Gordon.
Gordon.
Oh, he's off the phone now, is he? Well, that eight hours went very quickly, didn't it? Yes, the Sultan three-seater You're looking at 14 to 16 weeks on that one, at the moment.
14 weeks? In that case, I think we'll stop looking at it and look at something else.
What about the Excalibur? We quite liked that one, didn't we? - That said immediate delivery.
- Yes Yes Yes.
We can do that for you in the Pumpkin.
That's no problem.
We can have that to you in just six to eight weeks.
I'm sorry? By what definition of the word "immediate" is six to eight weeks? Eight weeks is not immediate.
Eight weeks is two months away.
There'll be nothing left of those armchairs by then, the rate he's clawing them to pieces.
So, what would you like me to do? Erm How do you feel about going down to the Underground and urinating on the live rail? (Man) When folks came round for Christmas dinner years ago, they wouldn't say boo to a goose, especially a magnificent one like this.
A lot's changed since those days, of course.
But not my tasty, Wiltshire geese.
They're still the best birds money can buy for your festive feast.
Take a gander at these.
Pure, tender, Wiltshire Goslings, chopped, seasoned and packed into mouth-watering, goose-shaped portions.
And don't forget my delicious, new Goose-Burgers, Battered Barbie-Bites and Cherry Gosling Goujons.
They're a treat all year round.
So, there we are, kids.
What's the verdict? Scrummyumptious, Leonard! Hooray! Right.
Erm no.
No, no, no.
(Tuts) I'm sorry, Uncle.
I can't understand it.
I sent off over 200 this year, all painted by limbless athletes, gripping the brush between their teeth.
My old school friends, neighbours, all my old friends in the army.
Oh, no, tell a lie.
There is one here for you.
Look.
Oh, no.
It's one that you sent that's come back.
Ooh.
House was blown up by a gas explosion, apparently.
- (Tribal drumming on TV) - God, not this one again.
- (Roaring) - (Meowing) - (Squeaks) - Get off.
And look at it.
Four Navajo Indians performing a rain dance, intercut with what looks like a male prostitute in the sewers of Venice.
I mean, what's it all about? (TV) This Christmas, make it Marrakech.
It doesn't look as if we'll get to see Peter at all now, at this rate.
Christmas Eve, he's off with his girlfriend on a pilgrimage to Tiananmen Square.
Marrakech.
I mean, what is it? An underarm deodorant? A new make of sump oil? It'll be the first time in 19 years.
Wonder if we should pop up there before he leaves.
It's no wonder they never make any bloody sense when the people that write them have their heads stuck in a bucket of cocaine all day.
(# TVjingle) Don't worry, Uncle.
They'll probably all come at once tomorrow.
You'll see.
- Want a little drink of anything? - That's it, Muriel.
- Sorry? - Of course.
When you look round suddenly and your friends aren't there, maybe it's time you faced up to the truth.
(Meowing) Oh, God almighty, Muriel, he'll have to go.
He's costing me a bloody fortune in armchairs and antihistamines.
- Ohh.
What do you mean, go? Go where? - (TV) Deep beneath the ocean floor.
(Laughter) (# Wizzard: I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day) - Is this table taken? - Yes.
I'm expecting a crowd of people to join me at any minute.
Oh, come on, let's go somewhere else.
This place stinks like a bloody hospital.
Excuse me.
Are you going to be on your own here all night? Not any more.
Now I've found out how to banish back-away breath, people just can't wait to get to know me.
What have you been drinking? Just three measures a day of maximum-strength Linguazine Mouth Sloosh.
It's the tough answer for all-round oral hygiene.
(Gargles) - (Spits mouthwash out) - (Silence) I'm Tandy de Silva and I'm a woman of today, which means I like to work hard and play hard.
And that doesn't leave much time for preparing food.
I'm bold, provocative, yet still softly feminine.
So, whatever I choose in life, it has to be the best.
(Scraping) And the best is the Mashatsu 2000 remote-controlled microwave.
(Pinging) And if the pressure of work means I can't always be home on time, that's no problem, either, because the Mashatsu remote control can also be used over the phone.
(Bleeping) No, you've got to keep off that bit, Rusty.
The glue's still wet.
That's a very talented son you've got there, Mrs Williams.
He'll make a brilliant architect one day.
Look, don't think I'm being ungrateful or you know, cos I know how much you've been helping Errol, keeping him on the rails and that.
Only, that kitten's going to cost money to keep and feed and I haven't worked up the courage to tell him yet.
"Tell him", Mrs Williams? We weren't supposed to find out till after Christmas.
Then someone leaked this to the union.
They're closing the factory down.
A month's time, we'll all be out of a job.
"From January 1st, Leonard Ewbank's Wiltshire Goslings will be exclusively bred "on a special 50-acre goose ranch in southern Venezuela.
"On-site slaughter and processing will eliminate any further need "for the company's three current bases of operation in the UK.
" So, there we are, kids.
What's the verdict? Scrummyumptious, Leonard! Hooray! Oh, God.
Not again.
Uncle Godfrey, what did I tell you about bringing these filthy old things into the house? In any case, Guy Fawkes Night was over a month ago.
(Squawks) Wh-what's going on? What what was that noise? (Laughter, chatting) (Drunken greeting) (Man) Who's got a bottle-opener? (Uncle Godfrey singing) # Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up # Oh! Gordon.
I would introduce you, but I don't know who anyone is myself yet.
That's the fun of Christmas parties, isn't it? Would you like one of these? They cause lung cancer, bronchitis and most major heart disea Have a drink, yeah.
Got to have a drink.
Who are all these people? They're the Coles Peach Brandy generation, Gordon.
It's what today's living is all about.
(Retching) Well, at least it's solved our Christmas present problem.
- We'll get him a lobotomy.
- Oh, Gordon, shh! Don't you recognise loneliness when you see it? It's a terrible time of year to feel isolated.
He's just He's just desperate to make friends, that's all.
Friends? He hasn't got any friends.
I mean, who's gonna make friends with him? Oh ho-ho-ho-ho! - I can't sell you this.
You're underage.
- But I'm building a model and I want it Don't waste your breath.
I've heard it all before.
Who's next? But I've got to have it to stick my balsa wood.
It's all right.
I'll take it for him.
If you want to chuck your money away.
- Does your mother play lots of tennis? - I don't think so.
I expect she does.
And almost certainly has to rush off to the airport afterwards for a big business meeting in New York.
That's when a woman needs her Feminol intimate body spray, for all-over, once-a-month confidence.
Where does she put it? Usually in a handbag made from Italian pigskin.
(Gordon) It's not funny, Mr Wigram, and I'm not laughing.
I'm sitting here on an armchair that reeks alternately of cat's vomit and meths.
And Well, never mind why.
That's my business.
Now you're saying we can't have our new furniture for another three months! Well, it's not on! You off on your travels again today, Uncle? That's every day so far this week.
Yes, it is.
See you this evening, Muriel.
Bye.
- Bye.
- (# Whistles festively) - (Outer door opens) - Errol? How's your feet today, Mum? Glad to take the weight off them, as usual.
That's the legacy of today's high-energy lifestyle.
- What? - That's why a modern miss needs to soak away her day the Brabham way, so that she's back on her toes to take on the hurly-burly of the world around her.
Yeah.
You off again? That's every day so far this week.
Hope you're staying out of trouble, Errol.
- See you, Mum.
- (Door closes) # Later on, we'll conspire # As we dream by the fire # To face unafraid # The plans that we've made # Walking in a winter wonderland # Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? # In the lane, snow is glistening # A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight # Walking in a winter wonderland # In the meadow we can build a snowman (Cheering) # And pretend that he is Parson Brown # He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man" #"But you can do the job when you're in town" # - Have you ever had a cat, Errol? - Yes, I've got a little ginger one.
- My teacher gave it to me.
- I had one like that.
Isn't that funny? I hope you're feeding it on Spodely's munch-sized Skrumples.
- Munch-sized Skrumples? - They contain all the calcium necessary to keep a growing cat's teeth and claws in tip-top condition.
Yeah? Never mind about problems with the warehouse.
I ordered that suite three Yes.
Well, look.
Erm while I'm on the phone, I'll be requiring a coffin in er Ooh, let's see, about 30 years from now.
I was wondering whether it's too late to get my order in before the Christmas rush.
Yes, I was thinking of going for the Sultan single-seater with Dralon handles.
- Night, Mrs Spry.
- Night.
Hi.
Would you believe there's now a 15-week delay on all Excaliburs in Pumpkin? Oh.
He said did we want to switch our order to an Algonquin in Burnt Oyster? Which is roughly the same, apparently, apart from the wing-back.
They've got one in that they can deliver on Wednesday.
It's a cancelled order or some such Wednesday? We'll be in Aston, seeing Peter.
Yes, well, Happy Feet will be there, won't he? He's only got to let them in and sign a couple of chitties.
Well, we hope he'll be there.
God knows where he does get to all day long, just lately.
What d'you mean? Oh.
That looks like hours of smashing fun for kids of all ages.
What is it? That's a Light Lord, one of the guardians of the Phantom Flame.
Yeah.
And Ricky and me have got these.
We're gonna zap his army to death and take over the universe.
(All) Yeah! Er where did you get hold of all these? Back back there.
In in the toy store.
I see.
You know, I think it's time you learnt the difference between right and wrong.
Now, this is Trinoceros, the evil, three-horned Lantern Master from the dimension of Doom.
And he is bad.
Whereas Shark Surfer, the all-seeing amphibious autobot, is the unchallenged guardian of the galaxy, whose head transforms into a small, nuclear-powered space station.
And he is good.
And he, and his Mantis Dune hordes on their electro-hornet steeds, will always strive over adversity in this winter's most action-packed adventure fantasy.
(All) Yeah! All right, all right.
Now, look, look.
Christmas is a time of joy and prosperity, not just for ourselves but for everyone.
And that means showing just how much your loved ones mean to you with a really super range of exciting gift ideas for all the family! I'm Tandy de Silva and I'm a woman of today, which means I like to work hard and play hard.
And that doesn't leave much time for preparing food.
I'm bold, provocative, yet still softly feminine.
So, whatever I choose in life, it has to be the best.
(Scraping) And the best is the Mashatsu 2000 remote-controlled microwave.
(Pinging) And if the pressure of work means I can't always be home on time, that's no problem, either.
(Gurgling water) I have journeyed far and long, Master, so you may tell me the secrets of time itself.
Very well, Luke.
Know you this.
Only Krolex quartz-powered fashion watches stand the true test of time.
That's why they're worn by all the world's top yachtsmen.
He's gone off all his schoolwork and his drawing and his models.
If he's not down that shopping centre, he's sat there, glued in front of the television, - which he never used to do before.
- That's not like Errol.
And only ITV.
He won't watch the BBC at all.
Even the cat knows there's something wrong.
Won't touch his food or anything.
I can't get through to Matthew any more.
I went upstairs the other night to check if he was doing his homework and I caught him playing with this.
Bloodzilla, articulated mega-zombie.
I mean, I don't know where he got it from.
Yesterday, I found Nicholas coming in with all sorts of huge parcels.
When I asked what was inside them, he just said, "It's the marvel of a Murchison's Christmas.
" Well, you're their teacher, Mrs Spry.
What does it all mean? What's happening to our children? I'm Tandy de Silva and I'm a woman of today, which means I like to work hard and play hard.
And that doesn't leave much time for preparing food.
(Horns blaring) One term, he's been there.
That's all.
Yes, all right.
There's no need to keep harping on about it.
- Ten weeks.
- Yes, all right! Asking your own son if he knew where we could find a Mr Peter Spry.
I I mean that really got us off to a good start with his girlfriend.
Yes.
Look, can we just drop it now? I've just about had enough for one day.
(Announcer) And your local news for the southeast, read by With 11 shopping days till Christmas, police are becoming increasingly alarmed by a spate of thefts apparently being committed by young schoolchildren, under the direction of an ageing, Fagin-like gang leader.
In the past week alone, hundreds of pounds' worth of goods have gone missing from several leading department stores.
I just can't understand what it is that gets into their heads, that drives the youth of today to go about doing this sort of thing.
At Christmas, too.
I can only put it down to sheer greed.
(Announcer) by the Director of Public Prosecutions.
Children aged between ten and fifteen are believed to be involved in a major, new shoplifting spree, orchestrated, according to some eyewitness reports, by a harmless-looking, elderly gentleman in a wheelchair.
- At a press conference today, Detective - No! Malcolm Mortimer warned parents to be on the alert.
- No, we're just being paranoid.
- Yes, course we are.
(Radio off) (Siren) That one.
- Excuse me, madam.
- Wh what d'you think you're doing? - You can't just walk in here like that.
- Mum, what's going on? Excuse me, what d'you think you're doing? What d'you want? You can't just come barging into my flat like this.
What d'you think you're doing in here? Get out! - Mum, I think he's gonna hit me! - Errol, are you all right? (Screaming) Put me down! # You better watch out, you better not cry # Better not pout, I'm telling you why # Santa Claus is coming to town # He's making a list and checking it twice # Gonna find out who's naughty and nice # Santa Claus is coming to town # Ooh-ooh # He sees you when you're sleeping # He knows when you're awake # (Godfrey) I've always believed that Christmas is, above all, a time to be enjoyed by children.
A time of bewitching magic and innocence, where kiddies still believe that Santa Claus really does come down the chimney, and have yet to learn the hard facts of life, like which make of lawnmower is a cut above the rest of the field.
That's why we were all so relieved to hear that, two days before Christmas, the police had managed to track down to his lair the evil, old man known as Fagin, who had been corrupting our toddlers and introducing them to a life of crime.
Mercifully, he was arrested and taken away to prison with unnecessary force, precipitating the worst series of local race-riots in living memory.
(Shouting) (Siren) I'm Tandy de Silva and I'm a woman of today, which means I like to work hard and (Fizzing) (Purrs) I'm afraid it's terminal kidney failure.
Rusty! (Sobs) You haven't been feeding him those dreadful dehydrated biscuits, by any chance? (Godfrey) And so it was the happiest Christmas I can ever remember.
As for Gordon's new three-piece suite, the store completely failed to deliver it as promised, by which time it was too late to get the old one back from Oxfam.
Gordon was clearly tickled pink with the pair of fluffy Slipperpotamuses I bought him, and could find no words to express his joy at receiving a Wizzco luminous toe-nail clipper, for use inside very thick socks.
And although the Christmas dinner Muriel had spent 13 hours preparing was completely burnt to a cinder when the oven went wrong, the day was saved by a packet of four Leonard Ewbank's prime Wiltshire Goslings, which I'd had the foresight to buy the day before.
Mm! Oh, delicious, Gordon.
(Laughs) "A fool and his money are soon parted.
" They're terribly good, some of these, aren't they, Gordon? - More Marrakech custard? - No, thank you.
# Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? - (Thunder) - # In the lane, snow is glistening # A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight # Walking in a winter wonderland # Gone away is the bluebird # Here to stay is a new bird # He sings a love song as we go along # Walking in a winter wonderland # Oh, in the meadow we can build a snowman # Then pretend that he is Parson Brown # He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man" #"But you can do the job when you're in town" # Later on, we'll conspire # As we dream by the fire # To face unafraid the plans that we've made # Walking in a winter wonderland # Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? # In the lane, snow is glistening # A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight # Walking in a winter wonderland # Winter wonderland #
Before carrying out this macabre deed, he had iced a suicide note onto a four-tier wedding cake, giving details of the breakdown of his marriage and his unrequited love for Harry Carpenter.
To all of us who went in the shop, he'd always seemed such a happy man.
Although we afterwards learnt that his constant, wide grin was in fact due to having once tried to eat a French loaf sideways.
And that for the last seven years, he'd been completely mad.
The point is that what made this terrible affair particularly heart-rending was that it happened at Christmas.
And as a result, we had to go somewhere else to buy our mince pies.
Fortunately, we can never be gloomy for long at Christmas, can we? Because no matter how things change, the real message of Christmas is one that will always endure, embodied by the special joy of takings that are ten per cent up on last year's, as shoppers flock to the stores for a high-street buying bonanza.
It's a time when we remember loved ones who are no longer with us.
A time to recognise the love and affection bestowed by those who still care for us so deeply.
There's been a lot of upset these last few weeks.
You've got to give these things time.
Where does he get it all from? You can't tell me it's the behaviour of a rational man.
Oh, Jesus.
(Child crying) It ain't fair! He's taken it.
He went up there.
I made that specially.
It's in the road.
(Sighs) (Boy sobbing) It ain't fair.
(Sneezes) I'm back.
Darling? Where are you? I'm upstairs, Gordon.
Shan't be a second.
- Is Muriel not back yet? - She phoned to say she'd be late.
Something she had to stay on at school for.
Oh.
Is all - Is all this stuff yours? - Just finishing off my Christmas presents.
One or two last-minute items.
Last-minute items? It's still the first week in November.
I mean, here we are, the fifth of Oh, my God above! I know.
And guess what, Gordon.
It was a real bargain.
A little boy at the end of the road was selling them for only a penny each.
And in future, don't bring filthy, worm-ridden old Oh, God, what is this? It's easy, isn't it, for the misery of Christmas colds to get you down? It starts off here, with nasal congestion.
Which leads to tension above the eyes and that dull, thumping pain we call headache.
I can't understand what's brought it on.
That's when you know it's time to reach for new, soluble Tenstrex, with its special, fast-acting formula.
Since I started taking Tenstrex, I haven't had a single period pain.
Feels more like some kind of allergic reaction.
I'd swear there was a (Meowing) I knew it! Oh, God almighty! Get that away from Where the hell did it come from? I'm sorry, Gordon, it's one of the rules.
November 5th, you must keep pets inside your house.
It was either that or a canary.
I'm Tandy de Silva and I'm a woman of today, which means I like to work hard and play hard.
And that doesn't leave much time for preparing food.
I'm bold, provocative, yet still softly feminine.
So, whatever I choose in life, it has to be the best.
(Scraping) And the best is the Mashatsu 2000 remote-controlled microwave.
(Pinging) And if the pressure of work means I can't always be home on time, that's no problem, either, because the Mashatsu remote control can also be used over the phone (Bleeping) leaving me much more time for the important things in life.
(Man) The remote-controlled Mashatsu 2000.
Well, Errol, I think it's time we were packing up, don't you? I've just got the two side bits to do, then I'm finished.
You can do the rest of it at home - but I want these back in the morning.
- Thanks, Mrs Spry.
And don't smudge it.
You won't be able to put it on the wall.
- Do you think that was wise, Muriel? - It's called encouraging talent.
I see university material in that child.
Really? What's he going to take? History, maths and the lead off the roof? It was one incident, Derek, three years ago.
I've made a lot of progress with him since then.
- He's got a completely new attitude.
- Hm.
Why is it you just won't trust any of these children? - (Screams) - Hey! (Shouting, fire alarm) (Cutlery chinking on plates) (Purring) Oh I think he's hungry.
You're hungry, aren't you? Oh, you little terror.
Aren't you a little terror, hm? How old did you say he was, Uncle? He'll be four months next Tuesday, Muriel.
(Bunged up) What makes you think he'll still be alive then? - Don't be such a baby.
- A baby? He only leapt into our bed last night and tried to rip off my face.
Just wants to be loved, don't you? It's bad enough living with the cast of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, without having A Nightmare On Elm Street, as well.
Oh, dear.
Rusty, what's the answer, hm? You mean which cat food is kindest to your kitten's teeth? Well, in tests, nine out of ten cats chose new, munch-sized Skrumples.
Specially fortified with essential minerals and vitamins, Skrumples contains all the calcium necessary to keep a growing cat's teeth and claws in tip-top condition.
(Woman) Spodely's munch-sized Skrumples.
One crunch and a kitten's smitten.
Right, that's it.
I'm gonna gas it.
It's messed on those magazines in the lounge again.
He's only a kitten, Gordon.
There's enough crap in the TV Times as it is.
And a Jesus, did you see that? There's a flea.
Hopped right off my arm.
Bugger! Look at that.
That's my blood.
Thank you very much, Gordon.
That'll go nicely with the apples and cranberries.
Where's the insect spray? (# Winter Wonderland) # Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? # In the lane, snow is glistening # A beautiful sight # We're happy tonight # Walking in a winter wonderland # Gone away is the bluebird # Here to stay is a new bird # He sings a love song as we go along # Walking in a winter wonderland # (Gordon) Eight boxes of Nesbitt & Pasco's scented soaps.
22 Bloxham's junior spanner-and-socket kits.
39 videos of Boney M live.
28 Samantha Langley pure silk bra-slips and 34 bottles of Rawhide body rub.
- Who are they all for? - They're Christmas presents, Gordon.
Yes.
- But who are they all for? - They're Christmas presents.
- They must have cost a bloody fortune.
- Yes, they did.
Where did you get the money from? Money, Muriel? Oh.
Haven't you heard the good news? This Christmas, money's no object with a Murchison's flexi-charge card.
Welcomed at over 250 branches, it means you can say goodbye to all those cashflow problems and hello to all those good buys.
(Man) Yeah.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Anyway, I've got to go.
He did? Oh.
When was that? Wednesday? No.
Some form of rectal hernia, I believe.
You are pulling my porker.
You are pulling my porker.
You are pulling my porker.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, I've got to g Yeah.
Yeah.
Okey-dokey, Marcie.
Bye.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, then, Mrs Spry.
The Sultan three-seater.
I was just going to check that for you, wasn't I? Yes.
Because we d Gordon.
Gordon.
Oh, he's off the phone now, is he? Well, that eight hours went very quickly, didn't it? Yes, the Sultan three-seater You're looking at 14 to 16 weeks on that one, at the moment.
14 weeks? In that case, I think we'll stop looking at it and look at something else.
What about the Excalibur? We quite liked that one, didn't we? - That said immediate delivery.
- Yes Yes Yes.
We can do that for you in the Pumpkin.
That's no problem.
We can have that to you in just six to eight weeks.
I'm sorry? By what definition of the word "immediate" is six to eight weeks? Eight weeks is not immediate.
Eight weeks is two months away.
There'll be nothing left of those armchairs by then, the rate he's clawing them to pieces.
So, what would you like me to do? Erm How do you feel about going down to the Underground and urinating on the live rail? (Man) When folks came round for Christmas dinner years ago, they wouldn't say boo to a goose, especially a magnificent one like this.
A lot's changed since those days, of course.
But not my tasty, Wiltshire geese.
They're still the best birds money can buy for your festive feast.
Take a gander at these.
Pure, tender, Wiltshire Goslings, chopped, seasoned and packed into mouth-watering, goose-shaped portions.
And don't forget my delicious, new Goose-Burgers, Battered Barbie-Bites and Cherry Gosling Goujons.
They're a treat all year round.
So, there we are, kids.
What's the verdict? Scrummyumptious, Leonard! Hooray! Right.
Erm no.
No, no, no.
(Tuts) I'm sorry, Uncle.
I can't understand it.
I sent off over 200 this year, all painted by limbless athletes, gripping the brush between their teeth.
My old school friends, neighbours, all my old friends in the army.
Oh, no, tell a lie.
There is one here for you.
Look.
Oh, no.
It's one that you sent that's come back.
Ooh.
House was blown up by a gas explosion, apparently.
- (Tribal drumming on TV) - God, not this one again.
- (Roaring) - (Meowing) - (Squeaks) - Get off.
And look at it.
Four Navajo Indians performing a rain dance, intercut with what looks like a male prostitute in the sewers of Venice.
I mean, what's it all about? (TV) This Christmas, make it Marrakech.
It doesn't look as if we'll get to see Peter at all now, at this rate.
Christmas Eve, he's off with his girlfriend on a pilgrimage to Tiananmen Square.
Marrakech.
I mean, what is it? An underarm deodorant? A new make of sump oil? It'll be the first time in 19 years.
Wonder if we should pop up there before he leaves.
It's no wonder they never make any bloody sense when the people that write them have their heads stuck in a bucket of cocaine all day.
(# TVjingle) Don't worry, Uncle.
They'll probably all come at once tomorrow.
You'll see.
- Want a little drink of anything? - That's it, Muriel.
- Sorry? - Of course.
When you look round suddenly and your friends aren't there, maybe it's time you faced up to the truth.
(Meowing) Oh, God almighty, Muriel, he'll have to go.
He's costing me a bloody fortune in armchairs and antihistamines.
- Ohh.
What do you mean, go? Go where? - (TV) Deep beneath the ocean floor.
(Laughter) (# Wizzard: I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day) - Is this table taken? - Yes.
I'm expecting a crowd of people to join me at any minute.
Oh, come on, let's go somewhere else.
This place stinks like a bloody hospital.
Excuse me.
Are you going to be on your own here all night? Not any more.
Now I've found out how to banish back-away breath, people just can't wait to get to know me.
What have you been drinking? Just three measures a day of maximum-strength Linguazine Mouth Sloosh.
It's the tough answer for all-round oral hygiene.
(Gargles) - (Spits mouthwash out) - (Silence) I'm Tandy de Silva and I'm a woman of today, which means I like to work hard and play hard.
And that doesn't leave much time for preparing food.
I'm bold, provocative, yet still softly feminine.
So, whatever I choose in life, it has to be the best.
(Scraping) And the best is the Mashatsu 2000 remote-controlled microwave.
(Pinging) And if the pressure of work means I can't always be home on time, that's no problem, either, because the Mashatsu remote control can also be used over the phone.
(Bleeping) No, you've got to keep off that bit, Rusty.
The glue's still wet.
That's a very talented son you've got there, Mrs Williams.
He'll make a brilliant architect one day.
Look, don't think I'm being ungrateful or you know, cos I know how much you've been helping Errol, keeping him on the rails and that.
Only, that kitten's going to cost money to keep and feed and I haven't worked up the courage to tell him yet.
"Tell him", Mrs Williams? We weren't supposed to find out till after Christmas.
Then someone leaked this to the union.
They're closing the factory down.
A month's time, we'll all be out of a job.
"From January 1st, Leonard Ewbank's Wiltshire Goslings will be exclusively bred "on a special 50-acre goose ranch in southern Venezuela.
"On-site slaughter and processing will eliminate any further need "for the company's three current bases of operation in the UK.
" So, there we are, kids.
What's the verdict? Scrummyumptious, Leonard! Hooray! Oh, God.
Not again.
Uncle Godfrey, what did I tell you about bringing these filthy old things into the house? In any case, Guy Fawkes Night was over a month ago.
(Squawks) Wh-what's going on? What what was that noise? (Laughter, chatting) (Drunken greeting) (Man) Who's got a bottle-opener? (Uncle Godfrey singing) # Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up # Oh! Gordon.
I would introduce you, but I don't know who anyone is myself yet.
That's the fun of Christmas parties, isn't it? Would you like one of these? They cause lung cancer, bronchitis and most major heart disea Have a drink, yeah.
Got to have a drink.
Who are all these people? They're the Coles Peach Brandy generation, Gordon.
It's what today's living is all about.
(Retching) Well, at least it's solved our Christmas present problem.
- We'll get him a lobotomy.
- Oh, Gordon, shh! Don't you recognise loneliness when you see it? It's a terrible time of year to feel isolated.
He's just He's just desperate to make friends, that's all.
Friends? He hasn't got any friends.
I mean, who's gonna make friends with him? Oh ho-ho-ho-ho! - I can't sell you this.
You're underage.
- But I'm building a model and I want it Don't waste your breath.
I've heard it all before.
Who's next? But I've got to have it to stick my balsa wood.
It's all right.
I'll take it for him.
If you want to chuck your money away.
- Does your mother play lots of tennis? - I don't think so.
I expect she does.
And almost certainly has to rush off to the airport afterwards for a big business meeting in New York.
That's when a woman needs her Feminol intimate body spray, for all-over, once-a-month confidence.
Where does she put it? Usually in a handbag made from Italian pigskin.
(Gordon) It's not funny, Mr Wigram, and I'm not laughing.
I'm sitting here on an armchair that reeks alternately of cat's vomit and meths.
And Well, never mind why.
That's my business.
Now you're saying we can't have our new furniture for another three months! Well, it's not on! You off on your travels again today, Uncle? That's every day so far this week.
Yes, it is.
See you this evening, Muriel.
Bye.
- Bye.
- (# Whistles festively) - (Outer door opens) - Errol? How's your feet today, Mum? Glad to take the weight off them, as usual.
That's the legacy of today's high-energy lifestyle.
- What? - That's why a modern miss needs to soak away her day the Brabham way, so that she's back on her toes to take on the hurly-burly of the world around her.
Yeah.
You off again? That's every day so far this week.
Hope you're staying out of trouble, Errol.
- See you, Mum.
- (Door closes) # Later on, we'll conspire # As we dream by the fire # To face unafraid # The plans that we've made # Walking in a winter wonderland # Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? # In the lane, snow is glistening # A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight # Walking in a winter wonderland # In the meadow we can build a snowman (Cheering) # And pretend that he is Parson Brown # He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man" #"But you can do the job when you're in town" # - Have you ever had a cat, Errol? - Yes, I've got a little ginger one.
- My teacher gave it to me.
- I had one like that.
Isn't that funny? I hope you're feeding it on Spodely's munch-sized Skrumples.
- Munch-sized Skrumples? - They contain all the calcium necessary to keep a growing cat's teeth and claws in tip-top condition.
Yeah? Never mind about problems with the warehouse.
I ordered that suite three Yes.
Well, look.
Erm while I'm on the phone, I'll be requiring a coffin in er Ooh, let's see, about 30 years from now.
I was wondering whether it's too late to get my order in before the Christmas rush.
Yes, I was thinking of going for the Sultan single-seater with Dralon handles.
- Night, Mrs Spry.
- Night.
Hi.
Would you believe there's now a 15-week delay on all Excaliburs in Pumpkin? Oh.
He said did we want to switch our order to an Algonquin in Burnt Oyster? Which is roughly the same, apparently, apart from the wing-back.
They've got one in that they can deliver on Wednesday.
It's a cancelled order or some such Wednesday? We'll be in Aston, seeing Peter.
Yes, well, Happy Feet will be there, won't he? He's only got to let them in and sign a couple of chitties.
Well, we hope he'll be there.
God knows where he does get to all day long, just lately.
What d'you mean? Oh.
That looks like hours of smashing fun for kids of all ages.
What is it? That's a Light Lord, one of the guardians of the Phantom Flame.
Yeah.
And Ricky and me have got these.
We're gonna zap his army to death and take over the universe.
(All) Yeah! Er where did you get hold of all these? Back back there.
In in the toy store.
I see.
You know, I think it's time you learnt the difference between right and wrong.
Now, this is Trinoceros, the evil, three-horned Lantern Master from the dimension of Doom.
And he is bad.
Whereas Shark Surfer, the all-seeing amphibious autobot, is the unchallenged guardian of the galaxy, whose head transforms into a small, nuclear-powered space station.
And he is good.
And he, and his Mantis Dune hordes on their electro-hornet steeds, will always strive over adversity in this winter's most action-packed adventure fantasy.
(All) Yeah! All right, all right.
Now, look, look.
Christmas is a time of joy and prosperity, not just for ourselves but for everyone.
And that means showing just how much your loved ones mean to you with a really super range of exciting gift ideas for all the family! I'm Tandy de Silva and I'm a woman of today, which means I like to work hard and play hard.
And that doesn't leave much time for preparing food.
I'm bold, provocative, yet still softly feminine.
So, whatever I choose in life, it has to be the best.
(Scraping) And the best is the Mashatsu 2000 remote-controlled microwave.
(Pinging) And if the pressure of work means I can't always be home on time, that's no problem, either.
(Gurgling water) I have journeyed far and long, Master, so you may tell me the secrets of time itself.
Very well, Luke.
Know you this.
Only Krolex quartz-powered fashion watches stand the true test of time.
That's why they're worn by all the world's top yachtsmen.
He's gone off all his schoolwork and his drawing and his models.
If he's not down that shopping centre, he's sat there, glued in front of the television, - which he never used to do before.
- That's not like Errol.
And only ITV.
He won't watch the BBC at all.
Even the cat knows there's something wrong.
Won't touch his food or anything.
I can't get through to Matthew any more.
I went upstairs the other night to check if he was doing his homework and I caught him playing with this.
Bloodzilla, articulated mega-zombie.
I mean, I don't know where he got it from.
Yesterday, I found Nicholas coming in with all sorts of huge parcels.
When I asked what was inside them, he just said, "It's the marvel of a Murchison's Christmas.
" Well, you're their teacher, Mrs Spry.
What does it all mean? What's happening to our children? I'm Tandy de Silva and I'm a woman of today, which means I like to work hard and play hard.
And that doesn't leave much time for preparing food.
(Horns blaring) One term, he's been there.
That's all.
Yes, all right.
There's no need to keep harping on about it.
- Ten weeks.
- Yes, all right! Asking your own son if he knew where we could find a Mr Peter Spry.
I I mean that really got us off to a good start with his girlfriend.
Yes.
Look, can we just drop it now? I've just about had enough for one day.
(Announcer) And your local news for the southeast, read by With 11 shopping days till Christmas, police are becoming increasingly alarmed by a spate of thefts apparently being committed by young schoolchildren, under the direction of an ageing, Fagin-like gang leader.
In the past week alone, hundreds of pounds' worth of goods have gone missing from several leading department stores.
I just can't understand what it is that gets into their heads, that drives the youth of today to go about doing this sort of thing.
At Christmas, too.
I can only put it down to sheer greed.
(Announcer) by the Director of Public Prosecutions.
Children aged between ten and fifteen are believed to be involved in a major, new shoplifting spree, orchestrated, according to some eyewitness reports, by a harmless-looking, elderly gentleman in a wheelchair.
- At a press conference today, Detective - No! Malcolm Mortimer warned parents to be on the alert.
- No, we're just being paranoid.
- Yes, course we are.
(Radio off) (Siren) That one.
- Excuse me, madam.
- Wh what d'you think you're doing? - You can't just walk in here like that.
- Mum, what's going on? Excuse me, what d'you think you're doing? What d'you want? You can't just come barging into my flat like this.
What d'you think you're doing in here? Get out! - Mum, I think he's gonna hit me! - Errol, are you all right? (Screaming) Put me down! # You better watch out, you better not cry # Better not pout, I'm telling you why # Santa Claus is coming to town # He's making a list and checking it twice # Gonna find out who's naughty and nice # Santa Claus is coming to town # Ooh-ooh # He sees you when you're sleeping # He knows when you're awake # (Godfrey) I've always believed that Christmas is, above all, a time to be enjoyed by children.
A time of bewitching magic and innocence, where kiddies still believe that Santa Claus really does come down the chimney, and have yet to learn the hard facts of life, like which make of lawnmower is a cut above the rest of the field.
That's why we were all so relieved to hear that, two days before Christmas, the police had managed to track down to his lair the evil, old man known as Fagin, who had been corrupting our toddlers and introducing them to a life of crime.
Mercifully, he was arrested and taken away to prison with unnecessary force, precipitating the worst series of local race-riots in living memory.
(Shouting) (Siren) I'm Tandy de Silva and I'm a woman of today, which means I like to work hard and (Fizzing) (Purrs) I'm afraid it's terminal kidney failure.
Rusty! (Sobs) You haven't been feeding him those dreadful dehydrated biscuits, by any chance? (Godfrey) And so it was the happiest Christmas I can ever remember.
As for Gordon's new three-piece suite, the store completely failed to deliver it as promised, by which time it was too late to get the old one back from Oxfam.
Gordon was clearly tickled pink with the pair of fluffy Slipperpotamuses I bought him, and could find no words to express his joy at receiving a Wizzco luminous toe-nail clipper, for use inside very thick socks.
And although the Christmas dinner Muriel had spent 13 hours preparing was completely burnt to a cinder when the oven went wrong, the day was saved by a packet of four Leonard Ewbank's prime Wiltshire Goslings, which I'd had the foresight to buy the day before.
Mm! Oh, delicious, Gordon.
(Laughs) "A fool and his money are soon parted.
" They're terribly good, some of these, aren't they, Gordon? - More Marrakech custard? - No, thank you.
# Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? - (Thunder) - # In the lane, snow is glistening # A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight # Walking in a winter wonderland # Gone away is the bluebird # Here to stay is a new bird # He sings a love song as we go along # Walking in a winter wonderland # Oh, in the meadow we can build a snowman # Then pretend that he is Parson Brown # He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man" #"But you can do the job when you're in town" # Later on, we'll conspire # As we dream by the fire # To face unafraid the plans that we've made # Walking in a winter wonderland # Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? # In the lane, snow is glistening # A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight # Walking in a winter wonderland # Winter wonderland #