Ill Behaviour (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 We've got two choices.
We sit back and watch Charlie die or we kidnap him and give him chemo until he's cured.
Guess we'll find out the truth soon enough, won't we? - What do you mean, the truth? - Well, the truth about where Charlie is.
'Cos nobody knows.
He wouldn't kill himself.
- But what other explanation could there be? - He's in Scotland.
- What? - He's gone off with Tess.
How about we use some of your incredible computer skills to fire off some e-mails from Charlie? I'm not really sure this is good for your sex addiction sobriety.
It's not sex addiction if it's with someone you love.
I think I love you too.
I need evidence that you are not using me like some kind of escape horse.
I see you! Hey, come back here.
Oh, my God.
Charlie? I'm so sorry.
Charlie? Oh, thank Christ! - Are you all right? - No, of course I'm not all right! You fucking shot me, you arsehole! My sperm, you smashed my sperm.
Well, it's your own fault, you shouldn't have stolen it in the first place.
You stole it from me! Crossbowing a bleeding cancer patient.
Nice! - Help me get it out.
- No problem.
God, no, don't.
Don't.
That kills.
Everything fucking kills.
- Does it? - That kills, don't fucking do that, please.
- Really? Cos it's incredibly hard to know when you're faking! Aaaaarghhh! "I've given up fucking.
" Given up fucking me, more like.
- You're a liar and a traitor.
- You just shot someone.
Yeah, by mistake.
- Nadia was just trying to - Oh, shut up! You stole her away from me.
No, I was just encouraging her to make some healthy life choices.
Oh, you mean dumping me like a bag of hot shit? I bet you're happy.
In fact, you probably helped him.
- You never liked Nadia.
- I wouldn't say that.
I would.
This is probably the longest conversation we've ever had.
- We just don't have much in common.
- Because you're incredibly boring.
I thought it was more cos you're so self obsessed.
If I were that self obsessed, I wouldn't have noticed how boring you are.
You didn't really think that he had feelings for you, did you? He must have used his training to hypnotise me.
I'm a hypnotherapist, I'm not a hypnotist.
Give me a break.
Like there's a difference! You raped me and thought I loved you, you're more delusional than I thought.
It was only hand rape.
It was for a good cause.
Joel.
Aah! Get out of my It's my car! Come back! - Fuck! - That's that then.
She's going to go straight to the police, we're fucked.
She's not going to go to the police.
She's an accomplice.
We are going to use whatever time we have left to save your life.
Whether you like it or not, you total fucking bastard! Aargh! Do you have any idea how much I've spent on curing you? Would a little gratitude be too much to ask? And why now? There's only two doses to go, you twat.
Argh! Agh! Well, being cured it's no thanks to you and your poisons.
It's because of Tess and her herbal remedies.
Tess's what? Just a bit of horse paste to take the edge off.
- Et tu, Little Miss Turncoat? - Fuck you! Oh, great, now when he's all better, he's going to give the credit to some fucking herbs.
Looks like you're living in a nest of traitors.
- Or rather a nest of people who have my best interests at heart.
- Yeah? Prisoner privileges have been revoked.
You are going to be behind bars for the next four weeks.
And don't try seducing either of us.
What do I look like -- Slaphead Casanova? It was Nadia who was doing the seducing, not me.
Yeah? You didn't mind it though, did you? Didn't mind a little bit of hand relief, admit it.
I am sorry that you have feelings for her, but she is a drug addict, an alcoholic and sex addict and you could do so much better.
A -- the truth is you loved it.
And B Fuck you! No doubt you were bullshitting about my book.
Trying to keep me sweet so you could get your herbs.
It's a good book.
It's got great characters, it's funny, it's gripping, it's sexy.
Do you want me to go on? Yes.
Charlie's latest e-mail.
OK.
Well, at least he's having a nice time.
Although it doesn't seem like he's having THAT nice a time.
Well, where is he getting his medicine in all these remote places? He doesn't mention his health at all.
Yeah, that's true, he should probably mention that more.
It is a bit weird, isn't it? But Charlie's alive.
I mean, that's the big picture, that is the headline, right? - That butternut squash was so - He's known Tess as long as he's known me.
Have they been together all of that time? No, no, I'm sure it's a very, very recent thing.
But why would he get together with her now when he gets ill? It doesn't make any sense.
A lot of us have secrets.
Talking of secrets, how did you get that sauce so? Oh, Detective Talbot.
Hello, Mrs Taylor, sorry to come by unannounced.
Hope it's not a bad time.
No, no, no, it's fine.
Come on in.
- Hi, Mr Jordan.
- Hello Detective.
We're just finishing dinner.
I've got the perfect pudding if you're not too full.
Red velvet cake.
Baked it myself.
Oh, my God, that's so kind.
I don't live too far away, thought you might enjoy it.
Well, it's perfect.
I'm actually making a cup of tea, so why don't you take a seat and I'll bring it through? Do you bake? No, I don't actually.
I enjoy it.
I find it relaxing.
- Yeah? - Red velvet cake's my speciality.
Great, it's a great cake.
If you get a shop-bought red velvet cake, it's usually full of food colouring.
I prefer to use beetroot.
- Beetroot? - You can use paprika, I prefer beetroot.
Here we go.
Thanks very much.
I wanted to give you an informal briefing of where we are.
There's an officer in the Hebrides looking for Charlie and Tess.
No sign of them yet.
No sightings on any of the ferries or in the hotels or .
.
the wild places.
Sadly, we don't have infinite resources for missing persons cases, but I wanted to give you my personal assurance.
We will find Charlie wherever he is.
Thank you.
Shall I be mother? - What the hell are you doing? - Check out my lump album.
Sexier than a Kardashian selfie.
Now you see it .
.
now you don't.
It's gone.
Melted away like butter on a hot fucking griddle.
And me and Tess can administer the medicine perfectly well without any help from Dr Evil.
Maybe it's worked a bit or maybe the Hoxsey Therapy's just kicked in.
No, it was blasted out of your system using a carefully administered regimen of chemotherapy.
Face it, chamomile brain -- science beats mumbo jumbo.
You are being cured by good old-fashioned, cutting-edge medicine, and you can't handle it.
We'll see.
Because maybe it'll come back, maybe it's just temporary.
Bullshit.
Admit it, you were wrong.
I was right.
You've been sussed, twanged and thrown out the window.
All right, fine, maybe Maybe I will admit that it's good news.
Good news? It's the best fucking news of all time.
Look at you, you look great.
Well, you'd look better with hair, but still.
I do feel a bit better.
Yeah, of course you do, because I have cured your fucking cancer.
I win, you lose.
But also win.
Does this mean I get to go home? One last dose? I admit it -- I was wrong, you were right.
You've saved my life.
I owe you everything.
Now, I promise I will take that next dose in hospital when I get home.
Yeah, I'd do exactly the same if I was you.
I'd say whatever I needed to say to get out of my cage.
Fine, you're not saving me.
You're killing me.
You think a hero, you're not.
You're not, you're actually a murderer.
- Great, the truth, that's more like it.
- Why are you doing this? Why are you so obsessed with poisoning me? Because I love you, you dick! Do you? Do you really? Is that it? Or is it just because you're a total fuck-up and I am the only friend you've got? Joel Joel, I just want to see my girls.
"Thus did a poor student conquer the glass mountain.
"And by his wits accomplish what many brave knights "failed to do by their strength.
" Your audience is unconscious.
I have that effect on people.
- Thanks for reading to them.
- Are you sure it's OK? I don't want to cramp your style.
I don't think I have a style that runs the risk of being cramped.
You are a very stylish individual.
Your whole hippy housewife vibe.
It's a very happening look.
You know, the girls really love having someone around that Charlie's so close to.
You know, never in a million years I thought he would do this.
I bet you wouldn't do something like this to your wife.
Of course not.
Especially if I was married to you.
I mean, I don't want to bad-mouth the guy, but what a selfish dick.
Oh, God.
It's Charlie.
Really? At this time of night? - This doesn't make any sense.
- What is it? - He says he's eating aubergines.
He hates aubergines, why would he be eating aubergines? That is a bit weird, isn't it? Half of this doesn't even sound like Charlie.
What the hell is going on? - I'm calling Talbot.
- No, don't.
- Why? Because it's not enough evidence, is it? You'll be wasting valuable police time.
But none of this is right.
It hasn't felt right from the start, Joel.
I don't know about that.
It felt pretty much on the money, at least to begin with.
Look, I know how much you want to believe that Charlie's coming back.
I want to believe it too, but we both have to face up to the fact that maybe he isn't.
Detective Talbot, it's me, Kira.
Aubergines? When have you ever seen Charlie eat a fucking aubergine? - I'm sorry, I screwed up.
- Yeah, damn right you screwed up.
Kira's going out of her mind.
I know Talbot suspects me.
What? The other night, he told me in detail, how to make a red velvet cake.
Right.
That sounds nice.
No, you weren't there.
He said he puts beetroot in the mix.
Beetroot.
It was code.
He was letting me know that he'd got to the root of what is going on and that he was going to beat me at my own game.
He knows something.
Maybe everything.
Maybe he just knows everything about how to make red velvet cake.
Oh, bullshit! You can't dye a cake with beetroot.
- I think maybe you can.
- I can't go back to Kira's now, can I? Everything's on a knife edge, I might say or do something that will tip her off to the truth.
Which is exactly why I told you not to go round there in the first place.
You had to send that e-mail late at night, didn't you? When you knew that I would be with Kira.
Were you discussing what colour to paint the shed or what schools to put the twins down for? All right, maybe I do have a remnant of feeling for Kira.
- A pretty big remnant, an overwhelming remnant.
- Yes.
I was on the sofa having a glass of wine with Kira but nothing happened.
First it was talking, now it's wine.
- Wine is not a crime.
- All right.
You've been cock-blocking me for months, haven't you? I bet you egged Charlie on to get together with Nadia.
You were probably dripping poison into his ear as well as his arm.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- You were match-maker for Charlie and Nadia and now you are match-breaker for me and Kira.
I didn't match-make or match-break anyone.
- Match-break isn't even a word.
- Admit it.
You were lobbying against Nadia from the moment she got here.
Of course I was, because it might surprise you to discover that I actually give a shit about you and couldn't stand by and watch you fall in love with a cock-addicted garbage head.
No.
You're just jealous.
Because you haven't had any for years and you couldn't bear to watch anyone else get some.
Yeah, you got me, I'm jealous.
You didn't notice me 20 years ago and you still don't notice me.
Well, I'm worth noticing, I'm noticeable.
Sorry, what? I thought this might be a chance for us to get together.
Like we never did.
But you always screw it up by humping someone terrible.
You get together with lunatics like Steph or Nadia or you try and fuck your best friend's wife.
Is that why you wanted to come here in the first place? So we could I don't know.
Sort of, maybe.
I don't want to talk about this any more.
.
.
Plying very strange cargo Our soul ships pass by Solo trips to the stars In the sky Gliding so far That the eye cannot follow Where do they go? We'll never know.
Russia invading Afghanistan.
History tragically repeating itself.
- Afghanistan? - Yes.
That's heavily fortified.
Why not Scandinavia? Scandinavia's a pushover.
Well, maybe I don't want to attack Scandinavia because of its progressive attitude towards social security.
You're not taking the game seriously.
Just attack Scandinavia, that's the sensible move.
Who are you, Himmler all of a sudden? You know what? I'm just going to surrender.
Turn in.
You can't just surrender when I'm about to win, that's cheating.
It really isn't.
Your turn.
You can force me to be here, you can't force me to play a bloody board game.
- Oh, I can't, can't I? - No, you can't.
D'you know what? I just want to have a little bit of fun with my two best friends in my last two weeks of freedom before I go to prison.
- Is that too much to ask? - Actually, yes, it is.
Oh, OK.
Oh, for fuck's sake! By starting this game, you both signed implicit verbal contracts to see it through to the end.
I am ordering you to invade Scandinavia.
It's a shame people don't just do what you want, isn't it? Because it would be so which easier if they were all just like your little plastic board game army - and you could push them across Asia whenever you felt like it.
- Yes! People should take their medicine.
And when they start fucking you, they should carry on fucking you.
And when they've been your friend for 20 years, they shouldn't suddenly reveal that they actually fancy you.
- Put the crossbow down, you dickhead.
- Why shouldn't I shoot him? He doesn't want us to cure him, so why the fuck are we curing him? If he wants to die so much, let me put him out of his misery.
Calm down.
And just stop pointing a lethal weapon at my head.
- Because I don't want to die.
- Oh, you don't want to die.
But you don't mind killing my dreams.
- What? - First with Kira, then with Nadia You stole them both off me.
Oh, my Look, I think it's great, it's great that you're trying to get over your mental ex-wife and find someone new, but if it doesn't work out, - you can't just blame me.
- Of course I can blame you.
Cos you tricked Nadia into falling in love with you and now she's gone and it's all your fault.
I didn't trick her, we just had We just had some good conversations.
Just because you lucked out with Kira doesn't mean that you can ruin it for everyone else.
I didn't luck out with Kira.
She's my life.
She's a life that I worked bloody hard for.
Yeah? Well, she doesn't need you.
She's getting on perfectly well without you.
What? I mean, she misses you, a bit.
But her whole world didn't collapse the moment you left as much as you'd love to think it would.
- She's fine.
- Joel Have you spoken to Kira? I've spoken to her, yeah.
- Have you seen her? - I've .
.
been to see her once or twice.
- How is she? How are my girls? - They're fine.
They must be worried sick.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Yeah, they have been extremely worried, but then I reassured them that you're alive and well.
Where did you tell them that I am? - Er, I told them that you're having an affair with Tess.
- Joel You fucking! I was trying to help! She thought you'd killed yourself.
And now she thinks I'm shagging Tess, which is worse.
Thanks for that.
Joel, off now! Don't test me.
Tess was helping with the e-mails.
At least she was until she fucked it all up.
Fucking aubergine.
If you're in touch with Kira, can I at least send a message to her? - No.
- Why the fuck not? Because you might put some sort of secret code in it - that will lead the cops here.
- Secret code? Yeah, like all the first letters of the words join up to say, "Joel's kidnapped me, the twat.
" So you'd rather have her believe that I'm shagging another woman? Actually, Tess and I have been talking about fictional you dumping fictional her, so there might be some good news on that front.
I'm trying to figure out which my personalities traits - are the most annoying.
- Right.
And where are we on our romantic adventure, just out of interest? The Outer Hebrides.
Oh, the Outer Hebrides, that's nice.
That's nice.
Shame that, instead of being in the Outer Hebrides, I'm actually chained up in a cage shitting in a bucket.
It's not a bucket, it's a porta-potty.
Don't be such a drama queen.
That was great.
- You have got real talent.
- Thanks.
Are you free later, to maybe go see a movie or watch the Bake Off or something? I'm not like a weirdo, I really, really admire what you do, I think it is so empowering.
I'm a feminist, so I fully support sex workers' rights.
- I'm a dancer, not a sex worker.
- Listen, you do you, OK? Doesn't matter that you're probably deeply damaged in some way, either drug issues or some kind of childhood molestation trauma or both.
Look, I get paid to dance, not to have strangers pass judgment on me, all right? You need therapy.
- I've done something brilliant.
- Don't tell me, let me guess.
You've snorted a huge line of cocaine.
Well, yeah, but more brilliant than that.
Come on, don't X Factor me.
What is it? I've extended the lease on this place for another six months.
- What? - Well, how do we know Charlie is really going to be cured after three months? Why not make it six or 12? You know, just to be sure.
- You want to keep Charlie hostage for a year? - Or maybe even for ever.
He is sort of liking it here.
He's sort of fine with it, a bit.
And you can write another novel.
You could write a trilogy.
Leaving you free to move in with Kira.
I don't know about move in, but I could stay there most of the week.
Do the old school run and stuff and then be back here for weekends.
- We could do shifts.
- Oh, you've completely fucking lost it.
Maybe.
Maybe it is a crazy plan, but I miss Kira.
I just miss her way more than I ever miss Nadia.
I think I love Kira.
Oh, Jesus! If I cure Charlie, my life with Kira is over.
You don't have a life with Kira.
Yes, I do.
Vegan roasts.
Bedtime stories.
Tearful hugs.
She's crying over the husband you've kidnapped.
I know.
It's good times.
Why can't we have more good times? Go to bed.
Sleep it off.
We'll talk it all through in the morning.
And my rock bottom was when I ended up in hospital because I overdosed on methadone.
Which is really stupid because you can't get properly high on methadone.
What an arsehole.
Thank you, Lionel.
Are there any newcomers who'd like to share or just say hello? Hello.
My name is Nadia.
And I'm an addict.
- Hi, Nadia.
- Hi, Nadia.
There's nothing you can say that will shock us.
We have heard it all before.
I guess my rock bottom was when I held this guy hostage in a basement for two months and force-fed him drugs.
And jerked him off against his will.
God! Sorry, I cannot even tell you how good it feels to say that out loud.
Oh, it's really great to be around people that have done the same kind of bat-shit crazy stuff that I have.
He's here.
In the supermarket.
- What are you talking about? Who? - Talbot.
The cop, he's tailing me.
He's buying food colouring.
His recipe, it's all a con, it's food colouring, not fucking beetroot.
- Maybe he just happens to live nearby.
- Yeah, like fuck! It's him.
Oh, my God, what if he questions me? What am I going to say? - I'll probably crack and tell him everything.
- Calm down.
- Are you sure it's him? - Yes, it's him.
I didn't see his face, but I know it's him.
It might be worth checking his actual face.
He's slipped away.
God, he's good.
Slippery.
- I think the net's closing in.
- Of course you do.
You'll carry on feeling that way until you run out of cocaine.
It's not the coke.
All right, maybe it's partly the coke, but I saw a helicopter this morning.
Jesus, you're not in fucking Goodfellas! - What's that noise? - Nothing, I'm just making coffee.
Bye, Joel.
Thank you so much for coming.
Have you had homoeopathic treatment before? No.
I'm a qualified doctor, so I don't really believe in it.
- Right.
- But I'm so fucking desperate that I don't give a shit any more.
OK, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Can I ask what's been going on for you? I got dumped recently.
He was married.
He pretended that he loved me, but it turns out that he was only using me.
He got me sober.
I didn't even know what sober looked like before I met him.
Yeah, my husband, he got clean after years of struggling with alcoholism.
And he says you only need three things -- honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.
Yeah, I've heard that.
He sounds like a really nice guy.
Your husband.
Yes, he is.
Well, what kind of stuff do you guys like to do together? Well, um we both like cooking.
What kind of TV shows do you like to watch? Er don't know really, um Game Of Thrones? Game Of Thrones, it's so It's great.
Isn't it, Game Of Thrones? Loose lips sink ships.
- What the fuck? - You're a snitch, you're a stool pigeon.
- Joel! - You've ratted me out.
You have sent Charlie to his grave and me to the electric chair.
- Don't be a maniac.
- And all for what? - A nice juicy pardon from the lovely judge? - I haven't ratted out anyone.
Mm? Well, who was that cop you were just talking to? A friend of a friend who just happens to be a member of the Flying Squad? It wasn't a cop, it was a publisher.
His name is Patrick.
- A publisher.
- Yes.
I sent out the first two chapters of my novel, under a pseudonym of course, and he really liked it and offered me a book deal.
- Right.
- I mean, it's an e-book and I have to pay for half the publishing and marketing costs, but when we get arrested and famous, there'll be a tonne of free publicity.
Might even be a bestseller.
So you've risked blowing our cover sky-high for your stupid book? It's not a stupid book.
It's a genre masterpiece.
According to Patrick.
He's really lucky to have you.
Thank you.
You're just like this lovely, lovely, lovely person.
- You're a lovely person too.
- I'm a piece of shit.
If you knew me better, you would absolutely agree with that.
Oh, no, I'm sure I wouldn't.
But I do these things, but I don't know why.
Thanks.
God, that's so unnecessarily nice of you.
Well, I've got two stray cats at home, so I guess I've got a soft spot for lost souls.
Huh.
Look, erm, I know you think you're a weirdo and everything about you is wrong and everyone else is happy and perfect, but it's not true.
My husband, he actually, um he ran off a few months ago.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
Hm.
With another woman.
Yeah? One of his oldest friends.
And apparently they're in love.
In Scotland.
- Really? - I think so.
But I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know anything any more.
You see, the thing is, there's probably, er, definitely, an explanation.
He's not dead, that's the main thing.
Hey, hey, hey.
I just wanted to say sorry, you know, for the other night.
Threatening you with a crossbow.
If you want to surrender, you should be allowed to surrender.
That's in the Geneva Convention, I imagine.
What about actually shooting me with the crossbow? Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry about that too.
And about Kira.
I shouldn't have gone to see her.
I have fucked things up even worse than they already were, which is a pretty impressive achievement.
Anyway, I found this great tattooist shop in town, - got myself inked up.
- I'm assuming you were drunk when you did this.
You can pretty much assume that I'm drunk all the time at the moment.
Isn't it illegal to tattoo someone when they're intoxicated? Well, then I guess this tattoo guy is just a maverick outlaw who's going to be on the run from the tattoo police.
But as far as I'm concerned, he's my personal hero.
And I think you will agree.
Da-dah! What the fuck is that? Titanic.
"Made it, Ma -- top of the world!" We went to see it when we were in sixth form, remember? Double date, you and Bridget Woods, great tits, shame about the teeth.
Yeah, I think It was my first date with Kira, and my last as it turned out, she spent more time looking at you, then she did at Leonardo.
- The quote - But it was all three of us, all together, having a great time.
The good old days.
So, I thought I'd have it memorialised.
You know, try and remember why we've done all this crazy stuff in the first place cos it's coming to an end soon.
We might not see each other for a while.
And if I'm going to prison, which, let's face it, I definitely am, might be a good idea to get a tattoo in early.
I mean, the prisoners probably love Titanic, don't they? I mean, who doesn't? It's only the biggest box office hit of all time and won 11 fucking Oscars.
It's "I'm the king of the world," it's not top of the world.
What? The quote, I think that's from a James Cagney movie? My dad had it on VHS.
You probably watched it at our place.
Shit.
Well, maybe if I go back now, I can, like, get the letters changed before Do they dry? My advice would be don't go back to the guy who tattooed a drunk maniac.
This is you all over, isn't it? I try and do something nice for you and you piss all over it.
Oh, come on.
Do you know .
.
you take away everything that's important to me? I was the one who introduced you to Kira.
If it wasn't for me, you never would have met.
So this whole insane kidnap is due to the fact that you are so jealous of me, of my life .
.
that you'd do anything you can to destroy it? I'm not trying to destroy your life.
I'm trying to save it.
Oh, by the way, Kira said that my roast potatoes were better than your roast potatoes.
"Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside.
" That's an exact quote.
- Time to get up.
- No.
We've got the last dose to administer.
Oh, screw the chemo.
Just get me some coke and maybe some heroin.
Forget about the coke, forget about Nadia, forget about Kira and most importantly forget about yourself.
We're almost across the finish line.
I'm on the last chapter of my novel, I never thought I could get a book published or save a man's life.
- Self-published.
- But it turns out I can do both.
We're going to win this war, but first we've got to invade Charlie's immune system with all the battalions we have.
OK, here, can you take this? - Hm? - Joel.
Fuck! That's the last vial.
- What? - We've no more dacarbazine left.
I'm hung over.
I told you to get me some more coke and you wouldn't listen, so The final drug of the final dose and you ruined it! Fucking great! Maybe I can source some black-market stuff from the Silk Road or whatever they're calling it nowadays.
Right, hang on.
Hi, Nadia, it's Joel.
We miss you.
Anyway, no biggie, but I wondered whether you could give us a hand cos we've sort of run out of dacarbazine.
Yeah, so give us a call back.
Bye.
What about the pharmacist? - Shazia? She seemed to basically hate us.
- Do you have any better ideas? Fine.
Can you do it? Fuck.
Just play it cool, yeah? The thing about having a secret hideout is that if you tell everyone where it is, it's no longer a secret.
There's nowhere safe to meet.
Talbot is following me everywhere.
- I saw him at the Post Office yesterday.
- Did you? Or did you see a man who resembled Talbot by virtue of having face, arms and a body? Found the place eventually.
- Dacarbazine.
- Imidazole Carboxamide? - Yep.
- Now, can I use your loo? - Do you mind if you don't? - Oh, real mess in there.
- We're pigs.
- Yeah, her, right pig.
Ten grand, plus two more for the express delivery.
Never agreed to that much.
That's the outdoor price.
All right, fine.
Don't suppose you've got any coke while we're at it? No, and I don't do cashback either.
Oh, fuck! - Hey.
- Hey.
- Felt weird not helping you cross the finish line.
It's like spending months reading a book and then skipping the final chapter.
Have you double booked dacarbazine? Well, you know, belt and braces.
How much are you charging, out of interest? I was thinking that it might be on the house.
For old times' sake.
How's Chester? He's good.
Yeah, he's good.
Well, that seems like a very reasonable offer.
Sorry to waste your time, but - Everything all right? - Yeah, we've just got some creatures.
In the basement.
- Creatures? - Not creatures dogs.
Dogs are creatures, that's why I said creatures.
- These guys train and breed dogs.
- Exactly, that's exactly what we do.
Sorry, just going to go muzzle them.
Sorry about the mix-up, but don't wait around any longer on our account.
Help! Help! My name's Charlie Taylor.
I've been kidnapped.
Please help me.
On second thoughts, would you mind staying for a little bit? - Grab her phone.
- What? - Grab her phone! - No! No! - Hurry.
- The keys.
- I'm sorry about this.
- No! Help! Help! - Get the fuck off me! - Let's tie her up.
Do you have any spare ropes? No, I don't have any spare ropes.
It's not the most stupid question, you do have some rope.
- Let me go.
- We can pin her down with something heavy.
- The sofa.
- What?! - Pull the sofa away from the wall.
- Could you do it? - Yes.
No, no, no, no! For the record, I'm really sorry about all this.
- You're crushing me, let me go.
- We're not really kidnappers.
That guy in the basement, he's actually an old friend of ours and we're giving him chemotherapy because the NHS turned him down.
- Those dirty bastards.
- Yeah, I mean, you'd better not tell anyone because if we do get arrested, then he will die, OK? I won't, I promise.
- OK, I've taken care of Charlie.
Where's Shazia? - I'm down here.
Oh, for God's sake, let her go.
We can't just let her go, she'll run straight to the police.
- No, I won't.
- She sells chemotherapy drugs illegally which means she won't be going to the police.
Yeah, it also means she's dodgy as fuck and can't be trusted! I'm not going to go to the police, I promise! What are you doing? Get off! We're prepared to give you five grand - if you promise not to tell the cops.
- Yes, I promise.
She already promised.
Why are you giving her five grand for a repeat promise? Yeah, an envelope full of cash is hardly a legally binding contract.
What's your plan, then? Keep her behind the sofa like a pet tortoise? Why not? Double kidnapping? Double or quits.
No, one kidnapping's fine.
No big deal.
Doing the double is professional level.
There's always another option.
- Please! You don't have the balls to kill her.
- Kill me? I just wiped my last victim's blood off my crossbow.
- I reckon Bow-no could do with some fresh meat.
- Jesus Christ! First you ruin everything by fucking off with Charlie, then you ruin everything by fucking up his last dose.
I am the only one keeping this sinking ship afloat and now you want to add murder to our problems? You are such a pair of twats! Look, I am the only one who is prepared to do whatever it takes to save Charlie.
Your brilliant plan is to let the witness waltz into the cop shop - with a pocket full of my money.
- Your ex-wife's money.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you! - She was the one who helped Charlie escape! I may have helped him escape but at least I didn't - run off with him to Scotland.
- What? How did you? A little bird told me.
A little bird with lovely feathers by the name of Kira.
- You went to see Kira? - Yeah, she's smoking hot.
I can totally see why you wanted to sneak off and bone her.
- Oh, jealous.
- Please! - I did not sneak off and bone her! She told me all about your little visits.
They sound lovely.
- Look, Kira needed someone.
I was there for her.
- I get it.
She's the Madonna, I'm the whore.
You wanted me to suck your cock while she baked you spelt bread.
No, I didn't! I don't even know what spelt bread is.
- It's bread that tastes of lies.
- Oh, it's perfect for you, then.
- No, actually, I prefer delicious truth loaf! - Guys.
- What?! - Shazia! - Shit.
- Fuck! - Forget her.
Let's get on with saving Charlie.
First things first.
Right.
Ugh! Fuck! I wasn't going to run her over, I was trying to frighten her.
- I was going to swerve, I was going to swerve! - Oh, shit! I am not going to be an accessory to murder.
Well, you will be when she runs straight to the cops and they bust us and Charlie doesn't finish his treatment and dies.
- It'll take her hours to run back to civilisation.
- Yeah? Well, better use those hours to bleach the fuck out of Charlie - before the cops haul us away to the gallows.
- The gallows? Who do you think you are? The Dick Turpin of chemo? Yes.
Well, guess a party's not a party till the cops show up and somebody's getting injected with illegal drugs.
- You're looking well.
- Yeah, I know.
Don't think it's all thanks to you and your amazing wisdom.
- I don't need your help.
- I know you don't.
- Well, good.
- There's a car driving up.
I think it's a police car.
- What? That bitch must have called them as soon as she found a phone box! I knew it.
I'm going to kill you.
- As soon as we've saved this twat's life.
- I'm going home.
- I'm actually going home.
- Get the drugs in him while I hold them off.
Hold them off? Let's finish this.
This is an outlaw hospital and you do not have an appointment.
- Shit! - Don't shoot, I've got kids! - Oh, kids, kids! Everyone's got fucking kids! As if that instantly makes you a worthwhile human being! Go, go, go! Into position! Support! Joel .
.
come down.
This has got to end.
Now.
No! I'm finally doing something good with my life.
You're not going to ruin it! - Give me my husband back, you fucking arsehole! - I'm trying to! That's the whole idea! I'm trying to give him back to you as good as new! Shit, the end is fucked.
- You fucked up my hand with your driving! - Let me do it.
I am the doctor.
I'm going to save him.
It's over, Joel.
Come down.
Yeah, come down, Joel.
Jump! You know you deserve it, jump! Charlie would be dead if it wasn't for me.
If anyone's the villain around here, it's not me! It's you! And just because I've put you through hell and you're beautiful and I am madly in love with you doesn't mean you're not a deluded, New Age lunatic with blood on your hands! - Are you drunk? - No, I'm sober as a fucking judge.
Right, well, you're going to mess up everything so give it to me.
Fuck off! Open up! - Just give it to me, please! - I can do it! Get your hands off me! For God's sake, let me do it! What? You were right.
The drugs are curing me, I want to see my girls grow up, just let me do it.
Open up! We are armed police.
Put down your weapons.
- We don't have any weapons.
- We don't have any weapons! - No weapons.
- Zero weapons, officer! It's OK, Mr Taylor, you're safe now.
You're going to be OK.
Yeah.
I am.
Tess.
Tess, is it in? - It's in! - It's done! - Kira, I'm so sorry about everything.
- Hi, Kira.
I'm sorry, too.
Except for what I said about homoeopathy.
It's total bullshit.
Did you hear that? The drugs are in his system and there's nothing you can do about it.
I made it, Ma -- top of the world! Armed police, put the weapon down.
Charlie! Charlie! Such a shame about Andrew Bennett topping himself.
Well, he liked all that.
The grim darkness.
So, how would you rate Wormwood Scrubs on PrisonAdvisor? Do you know what? The service is a bit lacking.
I'd probably give it minus stars.
I wouldn't give Holloway repeat business, either.
Hey, it's those crazy chemo assholes from the news.
- Oh, hey, it's Dr Cool! - I heard about this cheery little get together.
I got the bad case of the FOMO.
- So, what have you been up to since you got out? - I got fired.
Struck off.
Probably best to put everybody out of their misery.
I'm actually training to be a massage therapist.
Of course you are.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey! - You look great.
- Yeah, thank you.
I feel I actually feel great.
- I had a PET scan last week and got the all clear.
- Brilliant! - And Kira's pregnant.
- Wow! She's due in May.
Amazing.
Congratulations.
Look, I just want to explain, what I said about Kira on the roof, - it wasn't - Don't.
Just .
.
don't.
- Listen, there's two things that I need to say to you.
- Right.
One -- thank you for saving my life.
And two .
.
goodbye.
Don't mention it.
- What's this? - It's coming out next year before Synthezoid.
- You did it! - Yeah, I did.
And the second Synthezoid book will come out straight after that.
It's going to be a trilogy.
It's going to be amazing.
- Yeah, it's going to be good.
- Come along, Mr Jordan.
- Right.
Going to make a move.
Yeah.
Don't want to get more grounded than you already are.
Listen, I've been reading about this teenager in Plymouth who's been diagnosed with leukaemia but the poor bastard's a Jehovah's Witness.
He's refusing a blood transfusion.
I'll be Category D in, like, a few weeks.
What do we say we try an intervention? Maybe we could - Joel, we're not be fucking A-Team.
- Yeah, not yet.
You know I said it's true I can feel the love Can you feel it too? I can feel it ah-ah I can feel it ah-ah You know I said it's true I can feel the love Can you feel it too? I can feel it ah-ah I can feel it ah-ah You know I said it's true I can feel the love Can you feel it too? I can feel it ah, yeah I can feel it ah-ah You know I said it's true I can feel the love Can you feel it too? I can feel it ah-ah And you can take it ah-ah.
We sit back and watch Charlie die or we kidnap him and give him chemo until he's cured.
Guess we'll find out the truth soon enough, won't we? - What do you mean, the truth? - Well, the truth about where Charlie is.
'Cos nobody knows.
He wouldn't kill himself.
- But what other explanation could there be? - He's in Scotland.
- What? - He's gone off with Tess.
How about we use some of your incredible computer skills to fire off some e-mails from Charlie? I'm not really sure this is good for your sex addiction sobriety.
It's not sex addiction if it's with someone you love.
I think I love you too.
I need evidence that you are not using me like some kind of escape horse.
I see you! Hey, come back here.
Oh, my God.
Charlie? I'm so sorry.
Charlie? Oh, thank Christ! - Are you all right? - No, of course I'm not all right! You fucking shot me, you arsehole! My sperm, you smashed my sperm.
Well, it's your own fault, you shouldn't have stolen it in the first place.
You stole it from me! Crossbowing a bleeding cancer patient.
Nice! - Help me get it out.
- No problem.
God, no, don't.
Don't.
That kills.
Everything fucking kills.
- Does it? - That kills, don't fucking do that, please.
- Really? Cos it's incredibly hard to know when you're faking! Aaaaarghhh! "I've given up fucking.
" Given up fucking me, more like.
- You're a liar and a traitor.
- You just shot someone.
Yeah, by mistake.
- Nadia was just trying to - Oh, shut up! You stole her away from me.
No, I was just encouraging her to make some healthy life choices.
Oh, you mean dumping me like a bag of hot shit? I bet you're happy.
In fact, you probably helped him.
- You never liked Nadia.
- I wouldn't say that.
I would.
This is probably the longest conversation we've ever had.
- We just don't have much in common.
- Because you're incredibly boring.
I thought it was more cos you're so self obsessed.
If I were that self obsessed, I wouldn't have noticed how boring you are.
You didn't really think that he had feelings for you, did you? He must have used his training to hypnotise me.
I'm a hypnotherapist, I'm not a hypnotist.
Give me a break.
Like there's a difference! You raped me and thought I loved you, you're more delusional than I thought.
It was only hand rape.
It was for a good cause.
Joel.
Aah! Get out of my It's my car! Come back! - Fuck! - That's that then.
She's going to go straight to the police, we're fucked.
She's not going to go to the police.
She's an accomplice.
We are going to use whatever time we have left to save your life.
Whether you like it or not, you total fucking bastard! Aargh! Do you have any idea how much I've spent on curing you? Would a little gratitude be too much to ask? And why now? There's only two doses to go, you twat.
Argh! Agh! Well, being cured it's no thanks to you and your poisons.
It's because of Tess and her herbal remedies.
Tess's what? Just a bit of horse paste to take the edge off.
- Et tu, Little Miss Turncoat? - Fuck you! Oh, great, now when he's all better, he's going to give the credit to some fucking herbs.
Looks like you're living in a nest of traitors.
- Or rather a nest of people who have my best interests at heart.
- Yeah? Prisoner privileges have been revoked.
You are going to be behind bars for the next four weeks.
And don't try seducing either of us.
What do I look like -- Slaphead Casanova? It was Nadia who was doing the seducing, not me.
Yeah? You didn't mind it though, did you? Didn't mind a little bit of hand relief, admit it.
I am sorry that you have feelings for her, but she is a drug addict, an alcoholic and sex addict and you could do so much better.
A -- the truth is you loved it.
And B Fuck you! No doubt you were bullshitting about my book.
Trying to keep me sweet so you could get your herbs.
It's a good book.
It's got great characters, it's funny, it's gripping, it's sexy.
Do you want me to go on? Yes.
Charlie's latest e-mail.
OK.
Well, at least he's having a nice time.
Although it doesn't seem like he's having THAT nice a time.
Well, where is he getting his medicine in all these remote places? He doesn't mention his health at all.
Yeah, that's true, he should probably mention that more.
It is a bit weird, isn't it? But Charlie's alive.
I mean, that's the big picture, that is the headline, right? - That butternut squash was so - He's known Tess as long as he's known me.
Have they been together all of that time? No, no, I'm sure it's a very, very recent thing.
But why would he get together with her now when he gets ill? It doesn't make any sense.
A lot of us have secrets.
Talking of secrets, how did you get that sauce so? Oh, Detective Talbot.
Hello, Mrs Taylor, sorry to come by unannounced.
Hope it's not a bad time.
No, no, no, it's fine.
Come on in.
- Hi, Mr Jordan.
- Hello Detective.
We're just finishing dinner.
I've got the perfect pudding if you're not too full.
Red velvet cake.
Baked it myself.
Oh, my God, that's so kind.
I don't live too far away, thought you might enjoy it.
Well, it's perfect.
I'm actually making a cup of tea, so why don't you take a seat and I'll bring it through? Do you bake? No, I don't actually.
I enjoy it.
I find it relaxing.
- Yeah? - Red velvet cake's my speciality.
Great, it's a great cake.
If you get a shop-bought red velvet cake, it's usually full of food colouring.
I prefer to use beetroot.
- Beetroot? - You can use paprika, I prefer beetroot.
Here we go.
Thanks very much.
I wanted to give you an informal briefing of where we are.
There's an officer in the Hebrides looking for Charlie and Tess.
No sign of them yet.
No sightings on any of the ferries or in the hotels or .
.
the wild places.
Sadly, we don't have infinite resources for missing persons cases, but I wanted to give you my personal assurance.
We will find Charlie wherever he is.
Thank you.
Shall I be mother? - What the hell are you doing? - Check out my lump album.
Sexier than a Kardashian selfie.
Now you see it .
.
now you don't.
It's gone.
Melted away like butter on a hot fucking griddle.
And me and Tess can administer the medicine perfectly well without any help from Dr Evil.
Maybe it's worked a bit or maybe the Hoxsey Therapy's just kicked in.
No, it was blasted out of your system using a carefully administered regimen of chemotherapy.
Face it, chamomile brain -- science beats mumbo jumbo.
You are being cured by good old-fashioned, cutting-edge medicine, and you can't handle it.
We'll see.
Because maybe it'll come back, maybe it's just temporary.
Bullshit.
Admit it, you were wrong.
I was right.
You've been sussed, twanged and thrown out the window.
All right, fine, maybe Maybe I will admit that it's good news.
Good news? It's the best fucking news of all time.
Look at you, you look great.
Well, you'd look better with hair, but still.
I do feel a bit better.
Yeah, of course you do, because I have cured your fucking cancer.
I win, you lose.
But also win.
Does this mean I get to go home? One last dose? I admit it -- I was wrong, you were right.
You've saved my life.
I owe you everything.
Now, I promise I will take that next dose in hospital when I get home.
Yeah, I'd do exactly the same if I was you.
I'd say whatever I needed to say to get out of my cage.
Fine, you're not saving me.
You're killing me.
You think a hero, you're not.
You're not, you're actually a murderer.
- Great, the truth, that's more like it.
- Why are you doing this? Why are you so obsessed with poisoning me? Because I love you, you dick! Do you? Do you really? Is that it? Or is it just because you're a total fuck-up and I am the only friend you've got? Joel Joel, I just want to see my girls.
"Thus did a poor student conquer the glass mountain.
"And by his wits accomplish what many brave knights "failed to do by their strength.
" Your audience is unconscious.
I have that effect on people.
- Thanks for reading to them.
- Are you sure it's OK? I don't want to cramp your style.
I don't think I have a style that runs the risk of being cramped.
You are a very stylish individual.
Your whole hippy housewife vibe.
It's a very happening look.
You know, the girls really love having someone around that Charlie's so close to.
You know, never in a million years I thought he would do this.
I bet you wouldn't do something like this to your wife.
Of course not.
Especially if I was married to you.
I mean, I don't want to bad-mouth the guy, but what a selfish dick.
Oh, God.
It's Charlie.
Really? At this time of night? - This doesn't make any sense.
- What is it? - He says he's eating aubergines.
He hates aubergines, why would he be eating aubergines? That is a bit weird, isn't it? Half of this doesn't even sound like Charlie.
What the hell is going on? - I'm calling Talbot.
- No, don't.
- Why? Because it's not enough evidence, is it? You'll be wasting valuable police time.
But none of this is right.
It hasn't felt right from the start, Joel.
I don't know about that.
It felt pretty much on the money, at least to begin with.
Look, I know how much you want to believe that Charlie's coming back.
I want to believe it too, but we both have to face up to the fact that maybe he isn't.
Detective Talbot, it's me, Kira.
Aubergines? When have you ever seen Charlie eat a fucking aubergine? - I'm sorry, I screwed up.
- Yeah, damn right you screwed up.
Kira's going out of her mind.
I know Talbot suspects me.
What? The other night, he told me in detail, how to make a red velvet cake.
Right.
That sounds nice.
No, you weren't there.
He said he puts beetroot in the mix.
Beetroot.
It was code.
He was letting me know that he'd got to the root of what is going on and that he was going to beat me at my own game.
He knows something.
Maybe everything.
Maybe he just knows everything about how to make red velvet cake.
Oh, bullshit! You can't dye a cake with beetroot.
- I think maybe you can.
- I can't go back to Kira's now, can I? Everything's on a knife edge, I might say or do something that will tip her off to the truth.
Which is exactly why I told you not to go round there in the first place.
You had to send that e-mail late at night, didn't you? When you knew that I would be with Kira.
Were you discussing what colour to paint the shed or what schools to put the twins down for? All right, maybe I do have a remnant of feeling for Kira.
- A pretty big remnant, an overwhelming remnant.
- Yes.
I was on the sofa having a glass of wine with Kira but nothing happened.
First it was talking, now it's wine.
- Wine is not a crime.
- All right.
You've been cock-blocking me for months, haven't you? I bet you egged Charlie on to get together with Nadia.
You were probably dripping poison into his ear as well as his arm.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- You were match-maker for Charlie and Nadia and now you are match-breaker for me and Kira.
I didn't match-make or match-break anyone.
- Match-break isn't even a word.
- Admit it.
You were lobbying against Nadia from the moment she got here.
Of course I was, because it might surprise you to discover that I actually give a shit about you and couldn't stand by and watch you fall in love with a cock-addicted garbage head.
No.
You're just jealous.
Because you haven't had any for years and you couldn't bear to watch anyone else get some.
Yeah, you got me, I'm jealous.
You didn't notice me 20 years ago and you still don't notice me.
Well, I'm worth noticing, I'm noticeable.
Sorry, what? I thought this might be a chance for us to get together.
Like we never did.
But you always screw it up by humping someone terrible.
You get together with lunatics like Steph or Nadia or you try and fuck your best friend's wife.
Is that why you wanted to come here in the first place? So we could I don't know.
Sort of, maybe.
I don't want to talk about this any more.
.
.
Plying very strange cargo Our soul ships pass by Solo trips to the stars In the sky Gliding so far That the eye cannot follow Where do they go? We'll never know.
Russia invading Afghanistan.
History tragically repeating itself.
- Afghanistan? - Yes.
That's heavily fortified.
Why not Scandinavia? Scandinavia's a pushover.
Well, maybe I don't want to attack Scandinavia because of its progressive attitude towards social security.
You're not taking the game seriously.
Just attack Scandinavia, that's the sensible move.
Who are you, Himmler all of a sudden? You know what? I'm just going to surrender.
Turn in.
You can't just surrender when I'm about to win, that's cheating.
It really isn't.
Your turn.
You can force me to be here, you can't force me to play a bloody board game.
- Oh, I can't, can't I? - No, you can't.
D'you know what? I just want to have a little bit of fun with my two best friends in my last two weeks of freedom before I go to prison.
- Is that too much to ask? - Actually, yes, it is.
Oh, OK.
Oh, for fuck's sake! By starting this game, you both signed implicit verbal contracts to see it through to the end.
I am ordering you to invade Scandinavia.
It's a shame people don't just do what you want, isn't it? Because it would be so which easier if they were all just like your little plastic board game army - and you could push them across Asia whenever you felt like it.
- Yes! People should take their medicine.
And when they start fucking you, they should carry on fucking you.
And when they've been your friend for 20 years, they shouldn't suddenly reveal that they actually fancy you.
- Put the crossbow down, you dickhead.
- Why shouldn't I shoot him? He doesn't want us to cure him, so why the fuck are we curing him? If he wants to die so much, let me put him out of his misery.
Calm down.
And just stop pointing a lethal weapon at my head.
- Because I don't want to die.
- Oh, you don't want to die.
But you don't mind killing my dreams.
- What? - First with Kira, then with Nadia You stole them both off me.
Oh, my Look, I think it's great, it's great that you're trying to get over your mental ex-wife and find someone new, but if it doesn't work out, - you can't just blame me.
- Of course I can blame you.
Cos you tricked Nadia into falling in love with you and now she's gone and it's all your fault.
I didn't trick her, we just had We just had some good conversations.
Just because you lucked out with Kira doesn't mean that you can ruin it for everyone else.
I didn't luck out with Kira.
She's my life.
She's a life that I worked bloody hard for.
Yeah? Well, she doesn't need you.
She's getting on perfectly well without you.
What? I mean, she misses you, a bit.
But her whole world didn't collapse the moment you left as much as you'd love to think it would.
- She's fine.
- Joel Have you spoken to Kira? I've spoken to her, yeah.
- Have you seen her? - I've .
.
been to see her once or twice.
- How is she? How are my girls? - They're fine.
They must be worried sick.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Yeah, they have been extremely worried, but then I reassured them that you're alive and well.
Where did you tell them that I am? - Er, I told them that you're having an affair with Tess.
- Joel You fucking! I was trying to help! She thought you'd killed yourself.
And now she thinks I'm shagging Tess, which is worse.
Thanks for that.
Joel, off now! Don't test me.
Tess was helping with the e-mails.
At least she was until she fucked it all up.
Fucking aubergine.
If you're in touch with Kira, can I at least send a message to her? - No.
- Why the fuck not? Because you might put some sort of secret code in it - that will lead the cops here.
- Secret code? Yeah, like all the first letters of the words join up to say, "Joel's kidnapped me, the twat.
" So you'd rather have her believe that I'm shagging another woman? Actually, Tess and I have been talking about fictional you dumping fictional her, so there might be some good news on that front.
I'm trying to figure out which my personalities traits - are the most annoying.
- Right.
And where are we on our romantic adventure, just out of interest? The Outer Hebrides.
Oh, the Outer Hebrides, that's nice.
That's nice.
Shame that, instead of being in the Outer Hebrides, I'm actually chained up in a cage shitting in a bucket.
It's not a bucket, it's a porta-potty.
Don't be such a drama queen.
That was great.
- You have got real talent.
- Thanks.
Are you free later, to maybe go see a movie or watch the Bake Off or something? I'm not like a weirdo, I really, really admire what you do, I think it is so empowering.
I'm a feminist, so I fully support sex workers' rights.
- I'm a dancer, not a sex worker.
- Listen, you do you, OK? Doesn't matter that you're probably deeply damaged in some way, either drug issues or some kind of childhood molestation trauma or both.
Look, I get paid to dance, not to have strangers pass judgment on me, all right? You need therapy.
- I've done something brilliant.
- Don't tell me, let me guess.
You've snorted a huge line of cocaine.
Well, yeah, but more brilliant than that.
Come on, don't X Factor me.
What is it? I've extended the lease on this place for another six months.
- What? - Well, how do we know Charlie is really going to be cured after three months? Why not make it six or 12? You know, just to be sure.
- You want to keep Charlie hostage for a year? - Or maybe even for ever.
He is sort of liking it here.
He's sort of fine with it, a bit.
And you can write another novel.
You could write a trilogy.
Leaving you free to move in with Kira.
I don't know about move in, but I could stay there most of the week.
Do the old school run and stuff and then be back here for weekends.
- We could do shifts.
- Oh, you've completely fucking lost it.
Maybe.
Maybe it is a crazy plan, but I miss Kira.
I just miss her way more than I ever miss Nadia.
I think I love Kira.
Oh, Jesus! If I cure Charlie, my life with Kira is over.
You don't have a life with Kira.
Yes, I do.
Vegan roasts.
Bedtime stories.
Tearful hugs.
She's crying over the husband you've kidnapped.
I know.
It's good times.
Why can't we have more good times? Go to bed.
Sleep it off.
We'll talk it all through in the morning.
And my rock bottom was when I ended up in hospital because I overdosed on methadone.
Which is really stupid because you can't get properly high on methadone.
What an arsehole.
Thank you, Lionel.
Are there any newcomers who'd like to share or just say hello? Hello.
My name is Nadia.
And I'm an addict.
- Hi, Nadia.
- Hi, Nadia.
There's nothing you can say that will shock us.
We have heard it all before.
I guess my rock bottom was when I held this guy hostage in a basement for two months and force-fed him drugs.
And jerked him off against his will.
God! Sorry, I cannot even tell you how good it feels to say that out loud.
Oh, it's really great to be around people that have done the same kind of bat-shit crazy stuff that I have.
He's here.
In the supermarket.
- What are you talking about? Who? - Talbot.
The cop, he's tailing me.
He's buying food colouring.
His recipe, it's all a con, it's food colouring, not fucking beetroot.
- Maybe he just happens to live nearby.
- Yeah, like fuck! It's him.
Oh, my God, what if he questions me? What am I going to say? - I'll probably crack and tell him everything.
- Calm down.
- Are you sure it's him? - Yes, it's him.
I didn't see his face, but I know it's him.
It might be worth checking his actual face.
He's slipped away.
God, he's good.
Slippery.
- I think the net's closing in.
- Of course you do.
You'll carry on feeling that way until you run out of cocaine.
It's not the coke.
All right, maybe it's partly the coke, but I saw a helicopter this morning.
Jesus, you're not in fucking Goodfellas! - What's that noise? - Nothing, I'm just making coffee.
Bye, Joel.
Thank you so much for coming.
Have you had homoeopathic treatment before? No.
I'm a qualified doctor, so I don't really believe in it.
- Right.
- But I'm so fucking desperate that I don't give a shit any more.
OK, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Can I ask what's been going on for you? I got dumped recently.
He was married.
He pretended that he loved me, but it turns out that he was only using me.
He got me sober.
I didn't even know what sober looked like before I met him.
Yeah, my husband, he got clean after years of struggling with alcoholism.
And he says you only need three things -- honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.
Yeah, I've heard that.
He sounds like a really nice guy.
Your husband.
Yes, he is.
Well, what kind of stuff do you guys like to do together? Well, um we both like cooking.
What kind of TV shows do you like to watch? Er don't know really, um Game Of Thrones? Game Of Thrones, it's so It's great.
Isn't it, Game Of Thrones? Loose lips sink ships.
- What the fuck? - You're a snitch, you're a stool pigeon.
- Joel! - You've ratted me out.
You have sent Charlie to his grave and me to the electric chair.
- Don't be a maniac.
- And all for what? - A nice juicy pardon from the lovely judge? - I haven't ratted out anyone.
Mm? Well, who was that cop you were just talking to? A friend of a friend who just happens to be a member of the Flying Squad? It wasn't a cop, it was a publisher.
His name is Patrick.
- A publisher.
- Yes.
I sent out the first two chapters of my novel, under a pseudonym of course, and he really liked it and offered me a book deal.
- Right.
- I mean, it's an e-book and I have to pay for half the publishing and marketing costs, but when we get arrested and famous, there'll be a tonne of free publicity.
Might even be a bestseller.
So you've risked blowing our cover sky-high for your stupid book? It's not a stupid book.
It's a genre masterpiece.
According to Patrick.
He's really lucky to have you.
Thank you.
You're just like this lovely, lovely, lovely person.
- You're a lovely person too.
- I'm a piece of shit.
If you knew me better, you would absolutely agree with that.
Oh, no, I'm sure I wouldn't.
But I do these things, but I don't know why.
Thanks.
God, that's so unnecessarily nice of you.
Well, I've got two stray cats at home, so I guess I've got a soft spot for lost souls.
Huh.
Look, erm, I know you think you're a weirdo and everything about you is wrong and everyone else is happy and perfect, but it's not true.
My husband, he actually, um he ran off a few months ago.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
Hm.
With another woman.
Yeah? One of his oldest friends.
And apparently they're in love.
In Scotland.
- Really? - I think so.
But I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know anything any more.
You see, the thing is, there's probably, er, definitely, an explanation.
He's not dead, that's the main thing.
Hey, hey, hey.
I just wanted to say sorry, you know, for the other night.
Threatening you with a crossbow.
If you want to surrender, you should be allowed to surrender.
That's in the Geneva Convention, I imagine.
What about actually shooting me with the crossbow? Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry about that too.
And about Kira.
I shouldn't have gone to see her.
I have fucked things up even worse than they already were, which is a pretty impressive achievement.
Anyway, I found this great tattooist shop in town, - got myself inked up.
- I'm assuming you were drunk when you did this.
You can pretty much assume that I'm drunk all the time at the moment.
Isn't it illegal to tattoo someone when they're intoxicated? Well, then I guess this tattoo guy is just a maverick outlaw who's going to be on the run from the tattoo police.
But as far as I'm concerned, he's my personal hero.
And I think you will agree.
Da-dah! What the fuck is that? Titanic.
"Made it, Ma -- top of the world!" We went to see it when we were in sixth form, remember? Double date, you and Bridget Woods, great tits, shame about the teeth.
Yeah, I think It was my first date with Kira, and my last as it turned out, she spent more time looking at you, then she did at Leonardo.
- The quote - But it was all three of us, all together, having a great time.
The good old days.
So, I thought I'd have it memorialised.
You know, try and remember why we've done all this crazy stuff in the first place cos it's coming to an end soon.
We might not see each other for a while.
And if I'm going to prison, which, let's face it, I definitely am, might be a good idea to get a tattoo in early.
I mean, the prisoners probably love Titanic, don't they? I mean, who doesn't? It's only the biggest box office hit of all time and won 11 fucking Oscars.
It's "I'm the king of the world," it's not top of the world.
What? The quote, I think that's from a James Cagney movie? My dad had it on VHS.
You probably watched it at our place.
Shit.
Well, maybe if I go back now, I can, like, get the letters changed before Do they dry? My advice would be don't go back to the guy who tattooed a drunk maniac.
This is you all over, isn't it? I try and do something nice for you and you piss all over it.
Oh, come on.
Do you know .
.
you take away everything that's important to me? I was the one who introduced you to Kira.
If it wasn't for me, you never would have met.
So this whole insane kidnap is due to the fact that you are so jealous of me, of my life .
.
that you'd do anything you can to destroy it? I'm not trying to destroy your life.
I'm trying to save it.
Oh, by the way, Kira said that my roast potatoes were better than your roast potatoes.
"Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside.
" That's an exact quote.
- Time to get up.
- No.
We've got the last dose to administer.
Oh, screw the chemo.
Just get me some coke and maybe some heroin.
Forget about the coke, forget about Nadia, forget about Kira and most importantly forget about yourself.
We're almost across the finish line.
I'm on the last chapter of my novel, I never thought I could get a book published or save a man's life.
- Self-published.
- But it turns out I can do both.
We're going to win this war, but first we've got to invade Charlie's immune system with all the battalions we have.
OK, here, can you take this? - Hm? - Joel.
Fuck! That's the last vial.
- What? - We've no more dacarbazine left.
I'm hung over.
I told you to get me some more coke and you wouldn't listen, so The final drug of the final dose and you ruined it! Fucking great! Maybe I can source some black-market stuff from the Silk Road or whatever they're calling it nowadays.
Right, hang on.
Hi, Nadia, it's Joel.
We miss you.
Anyway, no biggie, but I wondered whether you could give us a hand cos we've sort of run out of dacarbazine.
Yeah, so give us a call back.
Bye.
What about the pharmacist? - Shazia? She seemed to basically hate us.
- Do you have any better ideas? Fine.
Can you do it? Fuck.
Just play it cool, yeah? The thing about having a secret hideout is that if you tell everyone where it is, it's no longer a secret.
There's nowhere safe to meet.
Talbot is following me everywhere.
- I saw him at the Post Office yesterday.
- Did you? Or did you see a man who resembled Talbot by virtue of having face, arms and a body? Found the place eventually.
- Dacarbazine.
- Imidazole Carboxamide? - Yep.
- Now, can I use your loo? - Do you mind if you don't? - Oh, real mess in there.
- We're pigs.
- Yeah, her, right pig.
Ten grand, plus two more for the express delivery.
Never agreed to that much.
That's the outdoor price.
All right, fine.
Don't suppose you've got any coke while we're at it? No, and I don't do cashback either.
Oh, fuck! - Hey.
- Hey.
- Felt weird not helping you cross the finish line.
It's like spending months reading a book and then skipping the final chapter.
Have you double booked dacarbazine? Well, you know, belt and braces.
How much are you charging, out of interest? I was thinking that it might be on the house.
For old times' sake.
How's Chester? He's good.
Yeah, he's good.
Well, that seems like a very reasonable offer.
Sorry to waste your time, but - Everything all right? - Yeah, we've just got some creatures.
In the basement.
- Creatures? - Not creatures dogs.
Dogs are creatures, that's why I said creatures.
- These guys train and breed dogs.
- Exactly, that's exactly what we do.
Sorry, just going to go muzzle them.
Sorry about the mix-up, but don't wait around any longer on our account.
Help! Help! My name's Charlie Taylor.
I've been kidnapped.
Please help me.
On second thoughts, would you mind staying for a little bit? - Grab her phone.
- What? - Grab her phone! - No! No! - Hurry.
- The keys.
- I'm sorry about this.
- No! Help! Help! - Get the fuck off me! - Let's tie her up.
Do you have any spare ropes? No, I don't have any spare ropes.
It's not the most stupid question, you do have some rope.
- Let me go.
- We can pin her down with something heavy.
- The sofa.
- What?! - Pull the sofa away from the wall.
- Could you do it? - Yes.
No, no, no, no! For the record, I'm really sorry about all this.
- You're crushing me, let me go.
- We're not really kidnappers.
That guy in the basement, he's actually an old friend of ours and we're giving him chemotherapy because the NHS turned him down.
- Those dirty bastards.
- Yeah, I mean, you'd better not tell anyone because if we do get arrested, then he will die, OK? I won't, I promise.
- OK, I've taken care of Charlie.
Where's Shazia? - I'm down here.
Oh, for God's sake, let her go.
We can't just let her go, she'll run straight to the police.
- No, I won't.
- She sells chemotherapy drugs illegally which means she won't be going to the police.
Yeah, it also means she's dodgy as fuck and can't be trusted! I'm not going to go to the police, I promise! What are you doing? Get off! We're prepared to give you five grand - if you promise not to tell the cops.
- Yes, I promise.
She already promised.
Why are you giving her five grand for a repeat promise? Yeah, an envelope full of cash is hardly a legally binding contract.
What's your plan, then? Keep her behind the sofa like a pet tortoise? Why not? Double kidnapping? Double or quits.
No, one kidnapping's fine.
No big deal.
Doing the double is professional level.
There's always another option.
- Please! You don't have the balls to kill her.
- Kill me? I just wiped my last victim's blood off my crossbow.
- I reckon Bow-no could do with some fresh meat.
- Jesus Christ! First you ruin everything by fucking off with Charlie, then you ruin everything by fucking up his last dose.
I am the only one keeping this sinking ship afloat and now you want to add murder to our problems? You are such a pair of twats! Look, I am the only one who is prepared to do whatever it takes to save Charlie.
Your brilliant plan is to let the witness waltz into the cop shop - with a pocket full of my money.
- Your ex-wife's money.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you! - She was the one who helped Charlie escape! I may have helped him escape but at least I didn't - run off with him to Scotland.
- What? How did you? A little bird told me.
A little bird with lovely feathers by the name of Kira.
- You went to see Kira? - Yeah, she's smoking hot.
I can totally see why you wanted to sneak off and bone her.
- Oh, jealous.
- Please! - I did not sneak off and bone her! She told me all about your little visits.
They sound lovely.
- Look, Kira needed someone.
I was there for her.
- I get it.
She's the Madonna, I'm the whore.
You wanted me to suck your cock while she baked you spelt bread.
No, I didn't! I don't even know what spelt bread is.
- It's bread that tastes of lies.
- Oh, it's perfect for you, then.
- No, actually, I prefer delicious truth loaf! - Guys.
- What?! - Shazia! - Shit.
- Fuck! - Forget her.
Let's get on with saving Charlie.
First things first.
Right.
Ugh! Fuck! I wasn't going to run her over, I was trying to frighten her.
- I was going to swerve, I was going to swerve! - Oh, shit! I am not going to be an accessory to murder.
Well, you will be when she runs straight to the cops and they bust us and Charlie doesn't finish his treatment and dies.
- It'll take her hours to run back to civilisation.
- Yeah? Well, better use those hours to bleach the fuck out of Charlie - before the cops haul us away to the gallows.
- The gallows? Who do you think you are? The Dick Turpin of chemo? Yes.
Well, guess a party's not a party till the cops show up and somebody's getting injected with illegal drugs.
- You're looking well.
- Yeah, I know.
Don't think it's all thanks to you and your amazing wisdom.
- I don't need your help.
- I know you don't.
- Well, good.
- There's a car driving up.
I think it's a police car.
- What? That bitch must have called them as soon as she found a phone box! I knew it.
I'm going to kill you.
- As soon as we've saved this twat's life.
- I'm going home.
- I'm actually going home.
- Get the drugs in him while I hold them off.
Hold them off? Let's finish this.
This is an outlaw hospital and you do not have an appointment.
- Shit! - Don't shoot, I've got kids! - Oh, kids, kids! Everyone's got fucking kids! As if that instantly makes you a worthwhile human being! Go, go, go! Into position! Support! Joel .
.
come down.
This has got to end.
Now.
No! I'm finally doing something good with my life.
You're not going to ruin it! - Give me my husband back, you fucking arsehole! - I'm trying to! That's the whole idea! I'm trying to give him back to you as good as new! Shit, the end is fucked.
- You fucked up my hand with your driving! - Let me do it.
I am the doctor.
I'm going to save him.
It's over, Joel.
Come down.
Yeah, come down, Joel.
Jump! You know you deserve it, jump! Charlie would be dead if it wasn't for me.
If anyone's the villain around here, it's not me! It's you! And just because I've put you through hell and you're beautiful and I am madly in love with you doesn't mean you're not a deluded, New Age lunatic with blood on your hands! - Are you drunk? - No, I'm sober as a fucking judge.
Right, well, you're going to mess up everything so give it to me.
Fuck off! Open up! - Just give it to me, please! - I can do it! Get your hands off me! For God's sake, let me do it! What? You were right.
The drugs are curing me, I want to see my girls grow up, just let me do it.
Open up! We are armed police.
Put down your weapons.
- We don't have any weapons.
- We don't have any weapons! - No weapons.
- Zero weapons, officer! It's OK, Mr Taylor, you're safe now.
You're going to be OK.
Yeah.
I am.
Tess.
Tess, is it in? - It's in! - It's done! - Kira, I'm so sorry about everything.
- Hi, Kira.
I'm sorry, too.
Except for what I said about homoeopathy.
It's total bullshit.
Did you hear that? The drugs are in his system and there's nothing you can do about it.
I made it, Ma -- top of the world! Armed police, put the weapon down.
Charlie! Charlie! Such a shame about Andrew Bennett topping himself.
Well, he liked all that.
The grim darkness.
So, how would you rate Wormwood Scrubs on PrisonAdvisor? Do you know what? The service is a bit lacking.
I'd probably give it minus stars.
I wouldn't give Holloway repeat business, either.
Hey, it's those crazy chemo assholes from the news.
- Oh, hey, it's Dr Cool! - I heard about this cheery little get together.
I got the bad case of the FOMO.
- So, what have you been up to since you got out? - I got fired.
Struck off.
Probably best to put everybody out of their misery.
I'm actually training to be a massage therapist.
Of course you are.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey! - You look great.
- Yeah, thank you.
I feel I actually feel great.
- I had a PET scan last week and got the all clear.
- Brilliant! - And Kira's pregnant.
- Wow! She's due in May.
Amazing.
Congratulations.
Look, I just want to explain, what I said about Kira on the roof, - it wasn't - Don't.
Just .
.
don't.
- Listen, there's two things that I need to say to you.
- Right.
One -- thank you for saving my life.
And two .
.
goodbye.
Don't mention it.
- What's this? - It's coming out next year before Synthezoid.
- You did it! - Yeah, I did.
And the second Synthezoid book will come out straight after that.
It's going to be a trilogy.
It's going to be amazing.
- Yeah, it's going to be good.
- Come along, Mr Jordan.
- Right.
Going to make a move.
Yeah.
Don't want to get more grounded than you already are.
Listen, I've been reading about this teenager in Plymouth who's been diagnosed with leukaemia but the poor bastard's a Jehovah's Witness.
He's refusing a blood transfusion.
I'll be Category D in, like, a few weeks.
What do we say we try an intervention? Maybe we could - Joel, we're not be fucking A-Team.
- Yeah, not yet.
You know I said it's true I can feel the love Can you feel it too? I can feel it ah-ah I can feel it ah-ah You know I said it's true I can feel the love Can you feel it too? I can feel it ah-ah I can feel it ah-ah You know I said it's true I can feel the love Can you feel it too? I can feel it ah, yeah I can feel it ah-ah You know I said it's true I can feel the love Can you feel it too? I can feel it ah-ah And you can take it ah-ah.