I'm a Virgo (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[WHILE CHEWING] So, then she's
all like, stay in a situationship.
- I know about situationships.
- Hmm. I think I like relationships better
- even though I've never been in one.
- Whoa man, too fast.
- Well, I'm a Virgo. I'm organized.
- I'm a Pisces.
- I'm good at being alone.
- Would you mind being alone around me?
- [UNINTELLIGIBLE CAFE CHATTER]
- [CAFE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY]
- [CARROT CRUNCHING LOUDLY]
- Don't try to be smooth.
[SILVERWARE CLINKING]
Okay try.
I like it.
- [HELICOPTER BLADE WHIRRING]
- Oh shit that's my dude.
[FLORA] That's your dude?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS, MAN SINGS]
I'm gonna creep up on ya ♪
I'm gonna creep up on ya ♪
The law holds us together.
That's what makes community.
[HELPER ROBOT] Poo-butts
are trying to stop
lawful eviction down there.
[JONES] We can stop this eviction,
the police move the furniture
out and we move it right back in.
We can hold out for an order
from the judge, and buy time.
Auntie, you good?
We've got you all right?
[SCAT] We can't let them
put everybody on the street.
Hey yo, Greg! Chill!
[NEIGHBOR] We're not gonna let
you kick us out of our homes!
- [UNINTELLIGIBLE MUTTERING]
- [MALE NEIGHBOR] No, no, no no.
- Spotlight.
- [HELPER ROBOT] Zippity zoom, sir.
- [ROCK MUSIC BELLOWS]
- [CROWD YELLING RESTLESSLY]
Put down the furniture,
you're illegally trespassing.
This is a lawful eviction.
- [MALE NEIGHBOR] Hey, stop.
- [THE HERO] I repeat.
- [MALE NEIGHBOR] Leave us alone.
- Oh shit. No, no, no you guys,
no, we have a right to be here.
We have a right to be here.
[THE HERO] I repeat,
put down the furniture.
- [HELICOPTER BLADE WHIRRING]
- [UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER]
- [JONES INAUDIBLE SCREAMING]
- [HELICOPTER BLADE WHIRRING CONTINUES]
- [FLORA] The Hero?
- Yes.
- [CRUNCHING FOOD]
- [UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER]
Yeah. I, I really do hate
that dog whistle slogan.
You know the "get your
mind right halfwits".
Mmm, he says that to criminals,
and he's saying that they're redeemable.
"Get your mind right",
and change is possible.
He's for justice. And I'm with that.
- [CAFE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY]
- See?
Well, you're committed.
My mom's really good at sewing.
- She doesn't really like The Hero, but
- But she's a fan of you.
[CHATTER AND SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES]
Wait, wait.
You've, is this, is this your
first time at a restaurant?
You've seen me at, at Bing-Bang.
Oh. But like, like a,
like a sit down place.
Like a, like, it doesn't
have a drive-through?
Okay. After this, there's
this place you gotta try.
- Right now?
- Mm-hmm.
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS]
[COOTIE] That's two dates in one night.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
[FLORA] They just brought
out the Cajun crab legs.
Chase the cacio e pepe with
the chicken Tikka Marsala.
Pro tip: the people who own
this place are Cantonese.
So, the Yang Chow fried
rice, is where it's at.
- Wow. You know a lot about your food.
- [FLORA] Uh
Oh. I don't know if I've known anybody
who could eat as much food as I can.
And I, I eat a lot.
[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT]
Well, don't let the Bing-Bang
Burger fool you. I'm, I'm a chef.
Yeah. I'm taking a, you know, like
a different route to get healthy,
delicious, cheap cuisine
to, uh millions of people.
And get people to like
slow down and stop
Yeah, stop what they're
doing when they take a bite.
I'm gonna make culinary history.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]
Yeah. You said before you grew up alone?
- No friends?
- Kids on TV, TV friends.
- Yeah.
- I'm mean, yeah. I'm glad I'm
I'm not so lonely anymore.
- I get it. Special ain't so spectacular.
- We're all special.
Like, how you're so fa
[WORD CONTINUES DISTORTED]
[LOW HUMMING]
[MOM VOICE OVER] The doctor
says she's having convulsions
but I think it's something else.
- [BABY CRYING]
- I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
[FLORA'S DAD] She's moving so fast
- she probably doesn't know we're here.
- You're not gonna help me?
- [DISTORTED MUSIC]
- [LOW HUMMING]
[EERIE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
[BABY WHINES]
[DISTORTED MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [HUMMING SOUNDS]
- [DISTORTED MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[FLORA'S DAD] Mom and Dad,
please read this 20 times.
Trace your finger along as you
read. This is an experiment.
[HUMMING SOUNDS SWELLS]
[FLORA'S DAD CONTINUES] This
is an experiment to see if I can
slow down my hearing and speech
so that I can talk to you,
to see if we can finda
way to communicate,
- this way, I won't be alone.
- [READING VERY SLOWLY, DISTORTED] Mom and Dad
Iyyyyeeee
loveeee youuu
- sooooo much. I
- [PARENTS SOFTLY CHUCKLE]
[EERIE MUSIC SWELLS]
[MUSIC SLOWS]
You're gonna live with your father.
He and I have different views
on taking care of your needs and
we don't do disagreements well.
It's time for me to find out
who I am, and do some things.
[SOFTLY SNIFFLES]
We'll still get our time in, tough girl.
I promise.
[EERIE MUSIC BEGINS TO SWELL]
- [LOW HUMMING]
- [RESUMES] aast
[TEMPO RESUMES]
I'm not fast. You're just slow.
- [SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]
- [UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER]
You didn't eat your, um,
paella or the schnitzel.
[RETCHING]
- [ZOOM SOUNDS]
- [WACKY MUSIC PLAYS]
[VOMITING SOUNDS]
- [COUGHING, VOMITING SOUNDS]
- [SPLASHING]
[PATRONS GROAN]
[COOTIE GROANS SOFTLY]
Um, I'm gonna go now.
[MUFFLED] Um, you know,
I had a really good time
tonight. [SOFT CHUCKLE]
- I'll see you tomorrow?
- Okay.
[MACHINE POWERING DOWN]
[PATRONS GROANING]
[MALE PATRON] Okay. What the
fuck? Hey, yo, what the fuck?
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]
[FELIX] Hey, so I mean, it sound like
you played it off, like cool as hell.
[SCOFFS] Her mind moves fast
and she knows what she wants.
I wish I was as sure about
anything as she is about-
Hey, wait, so when
y'all kicking it again?
- Tonight.
- [FELIX] Tonight?
Wooo-whee! Hey, you know
what that mean, right?
You know that's, that,
that drizzle on the whizzle.
That's that next day sex day.
You know what happens the second time
if it didn't happen on
the first time, right?
Oh, uh huh.
Oh. Oh, uh huh, uh huh.
But, you've got a lot of practice
right? By yourself all these years?
- [BUBBLE POPPING SOUND]
- [FELIX] So that's, that's good.
[MOM] Why are you still
using my conditioner?
I told you this shit's expensive.
[MARTISSE] I got my own, I
don't use that funky ass shit.
You know, it's not like
I'm worried or anything.
- You know?
- Bo-oi-oing, what's good?
- What up?
- What's up? Good.
- What up, Cootie?
- What's up man?
Whatever man, look, we're
going to Toon-Town or what?
Aw damn, that was today.
Uh, damn bro we posted
up. So, let's go tomorrow.
[UNINTELLIGIBLE MALL CHATTER]
- Came all the way down here, man.
- Damn hey, come here.
Hey bro, my fault.
Look, Cootie just, he's
kicking it with Flora
for the second time tonight.
- Wait, Cootie called her?
- Yes.
So, he just needed, you
know what I'm saying?
Some advice, from somebody
with a little more experience.
Hey, all right Cootie.
[CHUCKLES] Aw, shit.
Hey look, I'm gonna
see y'all later then.
I'm a get something for you all right?
Watch what I'ma have for you bro.
- What you mean?
- Bro just watch.
Look Felix, I'm out of
here. Get this rubber.
[CHUCKLES] Cootie get
you some pussy dog.
- Five minute break.
- [GROANS SOFTLY]
- Hey, what you got? Fleas or something?
- [COOTIE] I think I'm getting a rash.
- Hey, what are these clothes made of?
- What ballers buy nowadays.
[FELIX] Hey bro, that's probably
just acne from never busting a nut.
[UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER, LAUGHING]
[JONES] I love this.
- But Hrm ?
- What? Pitchforks?
- The butcher knife's too much?
- No, that's good.
You have the Eviction Defense
Committee as the saviors here.
[SOFT CHUCKLE] Everybody's following us.
We're not the saviors.
We want the people to
understand, they save themselves.
- [UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER CONTINUE]
- Hmm. Someone's gotta lead though, right?
- Yes
- I mean like, where's your Che Guevara?
Coming out the mountains?
A leader's job is to
create more leaders.
This doesn't do that.
The network has campaigns.
More leaders to lead where, though?
What you're doing here is not,
it's not really getting
to the root of the problem.
So, we're, just so
we're on the same page
What will?
[UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER,
LAUGHTER CONTINUE]
[TENSE MUSIC SWELLS]
The whole thing has to be torn down.
It'll take force and it won't be pretty.
And we gotta find the leader
that can set that example.
Look, I'm a communist. I want
the people to democratically
control the wealth we
create with our labor.
Yeah, that will take force. But
we need the people for that force.
Okay? [SCOFFS]
[JONES] They gotta know
where their power lies.
So, instead of just going
straight for the goal
you can, uh, electric
slide your way over there.
- [MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [UNINTELLIGIBLE CHATTER CONTINUES]
Yo, the people do love
the electric slide
You.
[SLOSHING SOUNDS]
[WATER SPLASHING]
[SOFT MUSIC HUMS]
[MAN THROUGH VIDEO]
So, next we're gonna put
this raw garlic paste on our skin,
and then you're gonna
wanna really rub it in.
Softly, gently, but get it everywhere.
Now the garlic will have an odor.
So next, we're gonna put this paste
[MUSIC BEING PLAYED ON KEYBOARD]
That smells good, that
smells really good. [SNIFFS]
- [KEYBOARD PLAYS]
- [SINGING] Stop using my cologne ♪
[SPRAY SOUNDS]
You need to buy your own ♪
Get out of my cologne ♪
I'm not, I'm here cause
my toilet is clogged.
Stay out of my cologne ♪
[DOOR SLAMS]
[MOM COUGHING]
[SINGING] You done and sprayed
it up too many damn times ♪
Two sprays and you out
stay outta my cologne ♪
- What the hell happened here?
- Boy used half the Paco Rabanne.
- The Paco Rabanne?
- You know what that means.
- [MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY]
- [CAR ENGINE]
Okay.
So, if y'all do it
do not embarrass yourself
and nut too quickly, okay?
She gonna laugh, she gonna
tell everybody that shit.
You not gonna get no action
for like, a few months at least.
Okay? They gonna call
you Five-Second-Felix.
- You gonna have to undo a bunch of
- Felix? Why would they call me Felix?
Just, all right. So,
anyway, when, you know,
when I feel like I'm about to nut,
I just yell Raiders.
- Really?
- Yep.
What does that do?
I mean, it's like, you
know, if you get overwhelmed
and you like, like you about to bust,
it's just, it distracts you, you know?
And, and it's Raiders, you
know? So, it's just raw as fuck.
Like just make you feel
like Marshawn or something.
- Like duh-nuh-duh-nuh.
- [COOTIE] Marshawn Lynch?
You imagine Marshawn Lynch having sex
with the girl you're having sex with?
Look just, just try it right now. Okay?
Just.
- Raiders. No, no
- Okay. Whoa. Louder.
- Just
- Okay.
- Really throw it.
- Raiders.
I don't think I'm gonna
do that. [CHUCKLES]
[COOTIE] So, every second
you're consciously slowing?
Yeah, I change my words and my walk.
Yeah, it's like, um, translating.
I have to change my facial
expression so people understand me.
But, um, check it, Let me, let me
show you why I brought you here.
[DEEP POUNDING, RATTLING]
[FLORA] I know how much you like bass.
[LOUD RUMBLING, HUMMING]
[YELLS] Oh shit!
Oh!
Um, another reason
Another reason why I've,
I've brought you here.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]
I'm gonna
[KISSING SOUNDS]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Um so
Ive I've had time to calculate
all the possible outcomes
from all the choices that
we make at this moment.
Yeah. The good news is, although
there are a lot of bad choices,
we can make and, yeah,
terrible outcomes.
The, the best. Yeah. The most
probable outcomes are good ones.
You did all, you did all of that today?
The best possible outcome
is extrapolated from us
leaving now and having sex.
Have sex?
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS]
My toilet is overflowing at home.
- [ETHEREAL MUSIC FADING]
- [LOUD WHOOSHING]
- [FELIX] Serious.
- [SCAT] All right Cootie man.
I'm gonna see you later, all right?
Watch what I'ma have for you bro.
- [COOTIE] What do you mean?
- Just watch
Felix eat my fucking dust.
Cootie, you're still my friend, even
if you don't get any pussy, okay?
[LAUGHING]
["THE MISSION" BY BAKAR PLAYS]
[SCAT] What's good?
Tell him that's the mission, yeah ♪
[MUSIC FADES]
- What up?
- [MALE CLERK] Yo, what's up.
[MAN] So, think about it,
season four, episode four.
Two episodes prior,
submitted subsequent seasons,
- but only one adjusted.
- [INDISTINCT TV CHATTER]
That's a good one, bro.
[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS PLAYING]
[VIDEO "GAME OVER" SOUND]
[MUSIC PLAYS, SINGING]
Parking ticket ♪
- [ENGINE REVS, CRASHING SOUNDS]
- Parking ticket ♪
Parking ticket ♪
Parking ticket ♪
[CARTOON CHILD LAUGHING]
[GROANING, CRYING]
It's a slippery one, folks.
With quite the battering
from the north east.
Expect a thick blanket of
snow in every part of town.
From the downtown flats,
to the hilltop mansions.
Yes, we're looking at a real doozy,
with no escaping the winter storm.
Whether you're young or old, a
king or a pauper, snow is falling.
As I speak on all creation
it falls upon those who
fought to attain love,
to keep love, to pass love down
from generation to generation.
Hoping that it would not wither away.
Snow falls on those who squandered
love, drove it away, or worse.
Those who for fear of losing
love, never experienced it at all.
Snow falls tonight also on those
who never had a chance
to experience any of this.
[WIND WHOOSHING]
It falls on those who perished
before they were able to pass life on
to the next generation.
To those whose timelines
cease while the worlds went on.
[CROW CAWS]
It falls on those whose life and joy
consists only of breathing
or crying or excreting.
And the soft touch of the
mothers breasts upon their lips.
[SNORING SOUNDS]
[WEATHER MAN CONTINUES]
It falls upon those
who would never know how unfair
the coil of fate can be,
how cruel and decimating
to even the strongest of us.
Yes. Snow is falling and
falling all over town
[LOUD WHOOSHING SOUNDS]
upon we the survivors and
upon those survived by us.
[KID ON TV] Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
It's the last one.
Yeah I've got a friend who's
gonna love this thing, man.
- He's a giant.
- I know. Saw you on the news.
Hold on, got something to show you.
[MUSIC BELLOWS LOUDLY]
It's a lost episode. You're lying man.
Broadcasted only once
before the FCC banned it.
Now all those poor
people go into the ER.
So, it's true?
It caused existential meltdowns
causing people to laugh
and lose control of all motor functions
for the duration of the episode.
For 93.5% of viewers.
Damn. So, how you get a copy?
Oh my boy in Atlanta,
I had a hookup in Osaka
who knows a guy who has
a girl taped it on VHS
back in the day, took five
months to ship out a dub.
But be careful with it, I
watched it last Wednesday.
I woke up on Saturday with no memory
and I didn't feel right for a week.
- Damn.
- True fans only.
True fans only, man. [CHUCKLES]
- Enjoy.
- Thanks man, yeah.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[SILLY MUSIC PLAYS]
[CARTOON SOUNDS]
- [BOING SOUNDS]
- [ETHEREAL SINGING]
[SILLY CARTOON SOUNDS]
- [GROANS]
- [CARTOON BIRDS CHIRPING]
[GROANS] Fuck.
[GROANS IN PAIN] Ah, Shit. [WINCING]
Fuck, my fucking phone.
[STREET SOUNDS]
[HOSPITAL CHATTER]
- [TAPS ON GLASS]
- [SCAT] Ma'am? [PANTING]
- [NURSE] Can I help you?
- [PANTING] I fell on my bike.
- [NURSE] You can take a seat
- Please, can you just take a look at it?
All right, it really hurts.
I think, I think I need to see
a doctor or something, look.
- Do you have insurance?
- [OFFICE SOUNDS, PHONE RINGING]
Sorry. Krown only takes
people with insurance,
unless it's life threatening.
What? How you know it's not life
threatening? I mean [PANTING]
Unless it's actively
bleeding, we can't take you.
You'll have to go to a county hospital.
Highland? That's what you're
talking about right now?
Lady, how the hell am I
supposed to get over there?
How am I supposed to
get over there? Huh?
[NURSE] There's a bus stop
right across the street.
Look at this sticking out of my
body. Please nah man. Fuck that.
- [UNINTELLIGIBLE ARGUING]
- [SCUFFLING]
- [SECURITY GUARD] Said you gotta go.
- [SCAT] Come on man, please!
[BUS ENGINE REVS]
[GROANS]
Excuse me. May I use
your phone? Mine broke.
Well, you gonna use it or what?
[PANTS] I don't know nobody's number.
[INTENSE MUSIC BELLOWS]
[GRUNTING WITH PAIN]
[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
[HIP-HOP PLAYING THROUGH RADIO]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
- [SCREAMING] Scat!
[FELIX] Hey! Yo, yo why didn't you
call me? Come on. Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come
on. Come on bro just get in.
[SCAT GROANING WITH PAIN]
[FELIX] I know I know, I'm sorry,
[ENGINE REVVING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[FELIX WHISPERS] Fuck.
All right come on, come
on, come on. Come on bro.
Use your legs bro, use your legs.
Come on, come on we're almost
there we're almost there.
[SCREAMING] Help, help us!
Come on, come on, okay, okay okay.
Come on, use your, open
your eyes, open your eyes.
Yes, yes, hey, use your
words, Scat, come on.
[SCREAMING] Help us! Fuck! Come on, hey!
- Fight the battle from us
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on, come on, Come
on. I know, I know.
- [SCAT] Snow falling all of
- [FELIX] Open your eyes.
[SCREAMING] Help us, what the
fuck! Come on, open your eyes Scat.
- Help! Help us!
- [WEATHER MAN FROM CARTOON] It falls on those
who'll never know how
unfair the coil of fate.
How cruel and decimating
to even the strongest of us.
Scat? Scat?
[WEATHER MAN] Yes, snow's
falling and falling all over town
[SCAT JOINS] on we the survivors
and upon those who are survived by us.
[NURSE] Take him, take him, take
him, take him. Take him, take him.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS]