I'm Alan Partridge (1997) s01e03 Episode Script
Watership Alan
.
.
then we bring the cows in, get them milked by 6 am, so.
.
You're listening to "This Morning's Farmer".
Go on.
You were talking about cow-bringing-in.
Yeah, we bring them in from milking, and then all that can go - Pop the straitjackets on them? - What? Thanks vey much for being "This Morning's Farmer", Robert Moon.
- Did you have your breakfast this morning? - Well, I reckon the way things are going.
.
Can you just answer "Yes" for the purposes of a joke? - Yes, - In which case you might be a full Moon.
- Hello? - I'm still here, - Yeah, I was making a pun on your name.
- Oh, right, Thank you vey much for being "This Morning's Farmer".
(MUSIC - "OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM") (Cow Mooing) Sorry about that.
Robert a bit slow on the uptake there.
I don't know what he had for breakfast presumably an infected spinal column in a bap.
Just making a joke about how infected cattle feed can attack the central nervous system.
It's just coming up to 5.
35 a.
m.
Kommen sie bitte, und listen to Kraftwerk.
Put that in the bin.
Let's get back to "Cock-a-doodle Who".
- (Crowing) - (MAN) Who! And I asked, "Who invented the skip?" Jack on line two.
- Morning, Alan, - Good morning.
Just wanted to say your comments earlier about farmers was ignorant and offensive, - Who invented the skip? - I don't care, I think it's way out of order.
.
- Who invented the skip? - You talk like a man who has no knowledge.
.
- Who invented the skip? - Bobby Moore, I don't bloody know, do l? I'm just sick and tired of you slagging farmers off.
Are you going to apologise to them? You must know some of the rubbish you produce.
Tongue, for example.
Who eats tongue? Imagine a tongue sticking out of a sesame-seed cob! You made these comments without any real knowledge about the pressures we're under, I wouldn't eat a tomato if it said, "Eat me" which is not unlikely given the rubbish in them.
You ignorant shit! (COCKEREL CROWING) - Caroline, line four.
Hello.
- Have you got a brain, or are you full of shit? (COW MOOING) - Mike from Polgrave, are you there, sir? - You ignorant c.
.
(FANFARE) # Take a pinch of white man Wrap him up in black skin # What's the next bit? (GEORDIE ACCENT) "Add a dash of blue blood.
" (ALAN SINGS IT) - "And a bitty bit of Red Indian boy.
" - # And something else in Geordie # This hasn't been cleaned out for years.
There's a little Japanese soldier here still fighting the war.
Ha-ha.
You daft racist! # Curly, black and kinky # Mixed with yellow chinky # Can you still say that? You're all right with that, because it's a race of people, and it's a food.
Chinese.
.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
(PHONE) Partridge.
Yes, I'll hold.
I'm possibly up for presenting a "Hamilton's Water Break" video.
On the Norfolk Broads.
I'll tell you how I found out about this job.
Bill Oddie Hello.
Yes.
No, the last corporate job I did was for a company that makes toner for photocopiers.
I was dressed as an exclamation mark.
I walked out after five minutes.
It was demeaning.
I had to flag a cab dressed up.
Which helped, actually.
I'd be delighted to do the job.
You can't book me and ask me to pull out when Cliff Thorburn becomes available again.
You've got a choice.
You can either book me now, or wait for Cliff Thorburn.
But if he goes AWOL, you're up slack alley.
Now, who's it to be, me or Cliff Thorburn? Thank you vey much indeed.
Kiss my face! I am going to present a corporate video for Hamilton's Water Breaks.
Champion! Ooh, wai-yai.
That sounds Geordie, doesn't it? Wai-yai.
- Have you ever been to the Far East, Michael? - Only Manila, Hong Kong and Bangkok.
- Bangkok? - Aye.
- So what did you see in Bangkok? - I saw the Golden Temple.
Beautiful it was.
- What else? - There's a river market.
- All the boats have got fish produce on them - Michael, come on.
Tell me about lady-boys.
You mean them transexuals? I've seen them but they're disgusting.
I kept away from them.
Oh, God, yeah.
Fascinating creatures, though.
Looks like a lady, but really it's a man.
I don't find them attractive.
It's just confusing.
I don't suppose you've got any army stories about them? Aye, I did hear about this corporal, right.
He's in the third battalion, this lad but he's right mean, OK? He's in Bangkok, and the prostitutes are saying how much, and he's going, "I'm not paying that".
And this beautiful lassie comes up, and she's half the price of the others, And he puts his hand up her skirt and gets a hold of the old meat and two veg.
He thinks, "I've paid me money, I'm going to have summat".
So he flips him over, and he ff And funnily enough, it lands on its wheels and it starts first time, and they just drive away.
Strangest story I've ever heard.
Oh, hello, Lynn.
Oh, I see what you Right, yes.
Michael was just telling me an army story about a friend of his who slept with a land Rover.
- Lonely nights in the desert.
- That's all fixed now.
I'll be on me way.
Just to check, that wasn't the real ending to the story, was it? - No, no.
- Just because Lynn's Just a few things, Alan.
We've had a call from Norwich Radio.
There have been more complaints from farmers.
- How many? - Fifty.
Oh, your age.
Well, Hamilton's have Alan, you've come free at the side.
Oh! Sorry! That was a genuine mistake.
Anyway, I got the Hamilton's job.
Yes, I've been speaking to them.
They're coming over this afternoon.
Did they say you have to have your wife on the shoot? Lynn, did you tell them my wife left me and is living with a narcissistic sports pimp? You've You've popped out again! I'm sorry.
That wasn't deliberate, l promise you.
It's not a cry for help.
I've had these shorts since 1982.
They did have an underpant lining, but it's perished.
They've taken a bit of a pounding over the years.
In fact, can you get me some new ones, please? I'm going to ring Carol and ask if she'll do the corporate video.
Lynn, Lynn, you speak to her.
Hello.
- Yes, he is.
It's a man.
- That's her boyfriend.
Hello.
Yeah, it's Alan.
Your lover's husband.
Yeah.
The immersion heater? It's underneath the stairs.
You only really need to press that if you're having a deep bath.
Put it on an hour before, Bob's your uncle, you've got a deep bath.
Yeah, if you would, please, yes.
He's gone to get Carol.
You speak to her! Hello, Carol, how are you? Carol, would you like to be in Alan's corporate video? Right.
She says no, and she wants to speak to you.
- Tell her I'm not here.
- He's not here.
- She says she can hear your voice.
- Call her a fat cow, then hang up.
Fat cow! Well done, Lynn.
Now, before we get up, I'm just going to warn you, I have popped out again.
It's in no way connected with our proximity.
So just don't turn round.
The boys are back in the barracks.
# Take a pinch of white man # # What we need is a great big melting pot # Big enough to take the world and all it's got - # Keep it turning # - I could pretend to be your wife.
(LIFT BELL) - Morning.
- Hello, Alan.
Lynn's a good worker, but I suppose she's a bit like Burt Reynolds.
Vey reliable, but she's got a moustache.
A bit like lady-boys.
Look like a woman, but really it's a man.
I don't find them attractive, it's just confusing.
- Morning, Sophie.
You're not a man, are you? - No.
Would you settle this month's bill, please? "£8 miscellaneous services.
" That sounds disconcertingly vague.
You used this pay channel.
Oh, right Oh, yeah.
It's vey confusing.
Sophie, I find the pay channel vey confusing.
Can I just explain? I was tying to access "Driving Miss Daisy".
- That's why you watched it for fifteen minutes? - Yes, because it was the wrong film.
- Have you seen it, is it good? - "Driving Miss Daisy" or "Bangkok Chick-Boys"? "Driving Miss Daisy"! - Is it a good film? - I don't know.
I haven't seen it.
- Was "Bangkok Chick-Boys" good? - I don't know.
I didn't see it.
I couldn't see it because I was in the bathroom.
Ben, Mr Partridge was saying that he couldn't see "Bangkok Chick-Boys" from his bathroom.
You can if you angle the mirror by the door.
Do you want me to show you? No.
I only watched it for five minutes.
The remote control was confusing.
What you'll have done is, when it said on your screen, "Do you want to watch 'Bangkok Chick-Boys?"' you must have pressed the button that says "Yes".
Well, as I say, it's vey confusing.
Do you want me to show you how to press the button that says "No"? Yes.
I mean, yes, I want you to show me the button that says "No".
- And I'll show you that mirror thing.
- No.
Do you want me to settle this bill? No.
I mean yes.
You're right, it is confusing, isn't it? Yes.
Hello, Mr Partridge.
Drink? - No.
Have you any tonic water? - Aye.
With some ice and a segment of lemon, and could you top it up with some Gordon's Gin? - Gin and tonic? - Yeah, that's right, fine.
Hello.
The gentlemen from the corporate video are on their way.
Excellent.
I've done my homework.
Would you like a drink? Thank you.
I'll have a Baileys.
One small Baileys, please.
Lynn, I was thinking about getting a substitute wife.
I would really love you to go to Sol Dangerfield's Casting Agency, and tell them to get me a 4O-year-old scorcher.
And DO use that word.
- Are you Alan Partridge? Yes.
I'm Steve Bennett.
I'm the director of the "Hamilton's Water Break" video.
- We spoke on the phone.
- This is Hugh Morris, the marketing director for Hamilton's.
He's going to be keeping an eye on us.
Make sure I don't sink the boat and drown everyone like a big twit.
I'll be down the pub, probably.
What? I'll be down the pub, getting the beers in.
- Why are you speaking like that? - It's a voice box.
That sounds great fun.
Where do you get those, a toy shop? - No, I haven't got any vocal chords.
- You sound like the girl in "The Exorcist".
I've got to say it, I love the script.
It's superb.
There's a lovely phrase where it says, "Boating appeals to both friends and family alike".
- Lovely phrase, very simple, very moving.
- Alan, it's a boat video.
We're not making a James Bond movie.
Interesting, because you do sound like a baddie in a James Bond film.
"Dr No Vocal Chords.
" No, Alan, we want to keep it simple, and that's why we hired you.
You're a local fellow.
That means good communications with tradesmen, with landlords, with farmers.
And at the end of the day, the pubs are open, and we'll be in there getting pissed! Sounds good to me.
Michael, do you want to pop that in the bin? It's just some notes I made last night, for a laugh.
I was drunk, you know.
I woke up this morning asleep on the sink, just like this.
I'd been asleep for eight hours like that.
Got up, walked downstairs, had breakfast.
Didn't even wash my hands, 'cause I'm a bloody bloke! Anyway, there's the bar.
Gentlemen, choose your weapons.
- What? - I'm offering you a drink.
- Now you're talking my language.
- I hope not.
A pint of lager.
- Three lagers.
- Three pints of lager, righty-ho.
- You're having a lager and these drinks here? - Yes, these arethe chasers.
Have you never had a lager and gin and tonic and Baileys Irish Cream chaser? - No.
- You big girls bras! - Has that got a name, that drink? - Yeah, they're called "Lady-Boys".
Because gin and tonic and Baileys are like a lady's drink, lager's a boys' drink? That's why I said that.
Cheers! (HOARSELY) Oh, lady-boys! - Do you want one? - Yeah.
- Great.
Threeno, four lady-boys.
- Four lady-boys, righty-ho.
- How much is that? - That'll be £33.
Here's to a good corporate video and lots of being men.
Indeed.
(BUZZING GARGLE) - Alan.
- Oh! I'm confused.
- What time is it? - Six o'clock.
- How long have we been drinking? - Three-quarters of an hour.
I think I'll go to my room and lean on the sink.
I have a little bit of sick.
- Mr Partridge, that's the kitchens! - I'm going to cook all the food.
- Alan, this is a hotel.
- Yeah, a three-star.
Hello, Carol? It's Alan.
How are you? Me? I'm having a fantastic time.
Yeah.
I'm having the best time since sliced bread.
How's Mr Planet-of-the-Apes man? Is he still driving that Renault Megane? Can I just read you something from "Top Gear" magazine? It's all right, I've got it here.
"With a mere ninety-break horsepower available, "progress is too leisurely to be called fast.
"But on a motorway, in fifth gear, the Megane's slow pace really becomes a pain.
"Uphill runs become power-sappingly mundane, "while overtaking National Express coaches can become a long, drawn-out affair.
" Not my words, Carol, the words of "Top Gear" magazine.
Hello? (KNOCK) Come in.
Hiya.
I've come to show you how to use your telly.
Oh, yes.
Very confusing.
Yeah.
So that's Sky MoviesSportsCNN - Adult Channel, that's your dirty movies.
- Not really my cup of tea.
I can disconnect it, put a scramble on it, just knock it out of the system.
That'll probably be a lot of trouble, won't it? Not really, it's just a switch.
- Um - It's up to you.
You're the boss.
- What you get up to in here, it's your business.
- I don't get up to anything! - Do you want me to disconnect it? - Yes.
- There, that's disconnected.
- Good.
- All right, lads? - All right, Alan.
I got really drunk last night.
I was sick everywhere.
- Were you sick? - Not really, no.
Phwoar! Look at the legs on that.
Alright? She was certainly first in the queue when God was handing out chests .
.
mammary glands.
Ooh, I'd love to have it off with her.
Oooh, sex! For a British holiday with a difference on a boat, always choose Hamilton's Water Breaks, With the melting of the ice caps, East Anglia will be under water in the next thirty years, So make the most of her stunning fens before the floods come, causing a little concern for these local farmers I chatted to, This is my wife and I going off to the local marketplace, where we can buy anything from plimsolls to posters of famous Hollywood stars, This chemical toilet is a Saniflo 33.
Now, this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything! Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed-up Dundee cake, let's take a look.
Not a trace.
Peace of mind, I'm sure especially if you have elderly relatives on board.
- Try pedestrianising this! - Can you hold that pose, Alan? Partridge, you wanker! (YELLED INSULTS) Aah! We'll dub that out, play some music over it.
- How's your friends? - Fine.
It might look a bit pokey from the outside, but a Hamilton's boat is deceptively large, My wife and I found it offers the kind of luxury and comfort you'd normally associate with a good-quality static caravan.
- Are you not having any bacon? - No, I'm vegetarian.
Yes, I know.
It's just a joke.
This is Alice, who's not going to shrink me.
She's going to talk about Hamilton's Holiday Breaks.
- You regularly book, don't you? - Yes.
- And do you do that with your boyfriend? - No, I do it alone.
- Right, you book alone? - Yep.
- How old are you? - Twenty-five.
- What do you do on a boat alone? - Read a book, relax, look at the scenery.
No, she sounds weird.
You can't use that.
Sorry.
Thank you, love.
A bit odd! Up with the Partridge, You're joining me, Alan Partridge, and Peter Baxendale Thomas of the Norfolk Farmers' Union.
Now, yesterday, I trod in a rather large farmer's pat when I made some comments about intensive farming.
Where did I go wrong? Your comments were ill-founded.
They were deeply ignorant, showed a lack of understanding of agricultural methods, and served to highlight the stupidity that farmers encounter from armchair pundits who forget to think before they open their mouth.
But with the apology you're about to give, I'm sure you can dig yourself out of this ugly hole.
Yeah Umsorry.
Have you got any requests, anyone you want to say hello to, or? I'm just saying that when you make ignorant comments, you serve simply to alarm the public and to inflame the farmers.
- Why don't you just apologise and - Moo! I thought that'd throw you.
You could talk the hind legs off a donkey.
But your donkeys are probably born without hind legs because of all the chemicals you put in their chips.
I don't have donkeys, and if I did I wouldn't feed them chips.
This is the same rubbish as the other day when you talked about putting a spine in a bap.
I admit that was a mistake.
I shouldn't have said "bap".
- Good.
Well, that's a start.
- I should have said "baguette", because a spinal column would fit in a baguette.
You've upset half the local farmers, you seem to alienate everybody, including your wife, which is why you end up living like some tramp in a lay-by.
It's a Travel Tavern.
I don't care what you call your sordid little grief hole.
- An awful lot of my colleagues - Are farmyard animals.
- You're talking about my friends here - I've got more friends than you've got cows.
- This is ridiculous! - How many cows have you got? - I've got a hundred cows.
- I've got a hundred and four friends.
I don't see what this is going to gain you.
Why don't you issue a full retraction, and you'll get yourself out of a lot of silly bother? You are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth.
- I don't think it's anything to do with class.
- And the plums have mutated and have beaks.
Beaks? Have you got any more of this, or do you want to stop at quacking plums? You make pigs smoke.
l want to know where you think you earn the right to go swanning off on these ludicrous Swans! You feed beefburgers to swans.
Do I? Perhaps you can tell me what's wrong with feeding burgers to swans.
What? If you fill a swan with beefburgers, it's full of fat, it'll float better.
- That's why we do it.
- Really? No, you complete cretin, I'm just contributing to this farce.
What else are you going to accuse me of? I'll tell you what - you farmers, you don't like outsiders, do you? like to stick to your own? What do you mean by that? - I've seen the big-eared boys on farms.
- For goodness sake, this is all just If you see a field with a pond, with a family having a picnic, you fill in the pond with concrete, plough the family into the field, blow up the tree and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife, who's also your brother! Have I got anything else to say here, or shall I go? You have big sheds, but nobody's allowed in, and inside these sheds are twenty-foot-high chickens because of all the chemicals you've put in them, and these chickens are scared.
They don't know why they're so big.
They go, "Why am I so massive?" And they're looking down on all the other little chickens and they think they're in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small.
Do you deny that? No.
His silence, I think, speaks volumes.
And, basically, do you agree that everything I've said thus far is completely correct? Yes.
(DEEP VOlCE) Yes.
And you also run over badgers in your tractor for fun.
(DEEP VOlCE) Yes.
Thank you, Peter Baxendale Thomas.
This is T'Pau.
- How did it go? - You know, up and down.
More bad news, I'm afraid.
The actress playing your wife can't do the filming today.
- Oh, for good Why not? - She's playing a shoplifter in "The Bill".
Oh, quite good.
We'll just have to think of something.
(WOMAN) Scene thirteen, take two, One of the benefits of global warming and international terrorism is that more and more people are holidaying in England.
I'll drink to that.
Cheers! - How was that, OK? - It's not working.
You can tell.
Really? Scene 13, take 3, One of the benefits of global warming and international terrorism is All right, my love? -.
.
is that - No, cut it! Action! Absolutely.
The Norfolk Broads offers the true peace and tranquillity of the English countryside.
A million miles from the urban decay of the Manchester Ship Canal and the pot-smoking, whore-ridden waterways of Amsterdam.
Indeed, disused cotton milk and legalised hard-core pornography are a million miles from your thoughts as you negotiate the Norfolk Broads.
The vey fact that hard-core pornography is not on the agenda (STEVE) It's a dead cow.
Where the bleeding hell did that come from? (HUGH) Where did that cow come from? Farmers! (STEVE) I know it's not funny! Can you hear me? I'm trapped under a cow.
(STEVE) He's OK.
Get the cow off the boat, please.
I'm not OK.
- Get that cow off the boat! - It smells.
I can feel an udder on my leg! (STEVE) Can you call Cliff Thorburn now, please? Cliff Thorburn is not primarily a presenter.
He is an ex-snooker player and is an unknown quantity.
(HUGH) Yeah, but he's not under a cow! So book a holiday with Hamilton's.
"Wat-er-way" to have a good time.
Cheers! (STEVE) Cut! OK, stick him in the ambulance.
lovely, great Well done! (HUGH) Cheers, Alan! Well done! (AlAN) Good luck with the edit.
(SIGHs) Hello, and welcome to "The Learning Zone", Thursday night into Friday morning on BBC2, Hello, is that reception? Susan, can you make pornography come on my telly, please? Oh, that's vey nice of you.
Thank you.
Oh!
.
then we bring the cows in, get them milked by 6 am, so.
.
You're listening to "This Morning's Farmer".
Go on.
You were talking about cow-bringing-in.
Yeah, we bring them in from milking, and then all that can go - Pop the straitjackets on them? - What? Thanks vey much for being "This Morning's Farmer", Robert Moon.
- Did you have your breakfast this morning? - Well, I reckon the way things are going.
.
Can you just answer "Yes" for the purposes of a joke? - Yes, - In which case you might be a full Moon.
- Hello? - I'm still here, - Yeah, I was making a pun on your name.
- Oh, right, Thank you vey much for being "This Morning's Farmer".
(MUSIC - "OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM") (Cow Mooing) Sorry about that.
Robert a bit slow on the uptake there.
I don't know what he had for breakfast presumably an infected spinal column in a bap.
Just making a joke about how infected cattle feed can attack the central nervous system.
It's just coming up to 5.
35 a.
m.
Kommen sie bitte, und listen to Kraftwerk.
Put that in the bin.
Let's get back to "Cock-a-doodle Who".
- (Crowing) - (MAN) Who! And I asked, "Who invented the skip?" Jack on line two.
- Morning, Alan, - Good morning.
Just wanted to say your comments earlier about farmers was ignorant and offensive, - Who invented the skip? - I don't care, I think it's way out of order.
.
- Who invented the skip? - You talk like a man who has no knowledge.
.
- Who invented the skip? - Bobby Moore, I don't bloody know, do l? I'm just sick and tired of you slagging farmers off.
Are you going to apologise to them? You must know some of the rubbish you produce.
Tongue, for example.
Who eats tongue? Imagine a tongue sticking out of a sesame-seed cob! You made these comments without any real knowledge about the pressures we're under, I wouldn't eat a tomato if it said, "Eat me" which is not unlikely given the rubbish in them.
You ignorant shit! (COCKEREL CROWING) - Caroline, line four.
Hello.
- Have you got a brain, or are you full of shit? (COW MOOING) - Mike from Polgrave, are you there, sir? - You ignorant c.
.
(FANFARE) # Take a pinch of white man Wrap him up in black skin # What's the next bit? (GEORDIE ACCENT) "Add a dash of blue blood.
" (ALAN SINGS IT) - "And a bitty bit of Red Indian boy.
" - # And something else in Geordie # This hasn't been cleaned out for years.
There's a little Japanese soldier here still fighting the war.
Ha-ha.
You daft racist! # Curly, black and kinky # Mixed with yellow chinky # Can you still say that? You're all right with that, because it's a race of people, and it's a food.
Chinese.
.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
(PHONE) Partridge.
Yes, I'll hold.
I'm possibly up for presenting a "Hamilton's Water Break" video.
On the Norfolk Broads.
I'll tell you how I found out about this job.
Bill Oddie Hello.
Yes.
No, the last corporate job I did was for a company that makes toner for photocopiers.
I was dressed as an exclamation mark.
I walked out after five minutes.
It was demeaning.
I had to flag a cab dressed up.
Which helped, actually.
I'd be delighted to do the job.
You can't book me and ask me to pull out when Cliff Thorburn becomes available again.
You've got a choice.
You can either book me now, or wait for Cliff Thorburn.
But if he goes AWOL, you're up slack alley.
Now, who's it to be, me or Cliff Thorburn? Thank you vey much indeed.
Kiss my face! I am going to present a corporate video for Hamilton's Water Breaks.
Champion! Ooh, wai-yai.
That sounds Geordie, doesn't it? Wai-yai.
- Have you ever been to the Far East, Michael? - Only Manila, Hong Kong and Bangkok.
- Bangkok? - Aye.
- So what did you see in Bangkok? - I saw the Golden Temple.
Beautiful it was.
- What else? - There's a river market.
- All the boats have got fish produce on them - Michael, come on.
Tell me about lady-boys.
You mean them transexuals? I've seen them but they're disgusting.
I kept away from them.
Oh, God, yeah.
Fascinating creatures, though.
Looks like a lady, but really it's a man.
I don't find them attractive.
It's just confusing.
I don't suppose you've got any army stories about them? Aye, I did hear about this corporal, right.
He's in the third battalion, this lad but he's right mean, OK? He's in Bangkok, and the prostitutes are saying how much, and he's going, "I'm not paying that".
And this beautiful lassie comes up, and she's half the price of the others, And he puts his hand up her skirt and gets a hold of the old meat and two veg.
He thinks, "I've paid me money, I'm going to have summat".
So he flips him over, and he ff And funnily enough, it lands on its wheels and it starts first time, and they just drive away.
Strangest story I've ever heard.
Oh, hello, Lynn.
Oh, I see what you Right, yes.
Michael was just telling me an army story about a friend of his who slept with a land Rover.
- Lonely nights in the desert.
- That's all fixed now.
I'll be on me way.
Just to check, that wasn't the real ending to the story, was it? - No, no.
- Just because Lynn's Just a few things, Alan.
We've had a call from Norwich Radio.
There have been more complaints from farmers.
- How many? - Fifty.
Oh, your age.
Well, Hamilton's have Alan, you've come free at the side.
Oh! Sorry! That was a genuine mistake.
Anyway, I got the Hamilton's job.
Yes, I've been speaking to them.
They're coming over this afternoon.
Did they say you have to have your wife on the shoot? Lynn, did you tell them my wife left me and is living with a narcissistic sports pimp? You've You've popped out again! I'm sorry.
That wasn't deliberate, l promise you.
It's not a cry for help.
I've had these shorts since 1982.
They did have an underpant lining, but it's perished.
They've taken a bit of a pounding over the years.
In fact, can you get me some new ones, please? I'm going to ring Carol and ask if she'll do the corporate video.
Lynn, Lynn, you speak to her.
Hello.
- Yes, he is.
It's a man.
- That's her boyfriend.
Hello.
Yeah, it's Alan.
Your lover's husband.
Yeah.
The immersion heater? It's underneath the stairs.
You only really need to press that if you're having a deep bath.
Put it on an hour before, Bob's your uncle, you've got a deep bath.
Yeah, if you would, please, yes.
He's gone to get Carol.
You speak to her! Hello, Carol, how are you? Carol, would you like to be in Alan's corporate video? Right.
She says no, and she wants to speak to you.
- Tell her I'm not here.
- He's not here.
- She says she can hear your voice.
- Call her a fat cow, then hang up.
Fat cow! Well done, Lynn.
Now, before we get up, I'm just going to warn you, I have popped out again.
It's in no way connected with our proximity.
So just don't turn round.
The boys are back in the barracks.
# Take a pinch of white man # # What we need is a great big melting pot # Big enough to take the world and all it's got - # Keep it turning # - I could pretend to be your wife.
(LIFT BELL) - Morning.
- Hello, Alan.
Lynn's a good worker, but I suppose she's a bit like Burt Reynolds.
Vey reliable, but she's got a moustache.
A bit like lady-boys.
Look like a woman, but really it's a man.
I don't find them attractive, it's just confusing.
- Morning, Sophie.
You're not a man, are you? - No.
Would you settle this month's bill, please? "£8 miscellaneous services.
" That sounds disconcertingly vague.
You used this pay channel.
Oh, right Oh, yeah.
It's vey confusing.
Sophie, I find the pay channel vey confusing.
Can I just explain? I was tying to access "Driving Miss Daisy".
- That's why you watched it for fifteen minutes? - Yes, because it was the wrong film.
- Have you seen it, is it good? - "Driving Miss Daisy" or "Bangkok Chick-Boys"? "Driving Miss Daisy"! - Is it a good film? - I don't know.
I haven't seen it.
- Was "Bangkok Chick-Boys" good? - I don't know.
I didn't see it.
I couldn't see it because I was in the bathroom.
Ben, Mr Partridge was saying that he couldn't see "Bangkok Chick-Boys" from his bathroom.
You can if you angle the mirror by the door.
Do you want me to show you? No.
I only watched it for five minutes.
The remote control was confusing.
What you'll have done is, when it said on your screen, "Do you want to watch 'Bangkok Chick-Boys?"' you must have pressed the button that says "Yes".
Well, as I say, it's vey confusing.
Do you want me to show you how to press the button that says "No"? Yes.
I mean, yes, I want you to show me the button that says "No".
- And I'll show you that mirror thing.
- No.
Do you want me to settle this bill? No.
I mean yes.
You're right, it is confusing, isn't it? Yes.
Hello, Mr Partridge.
Drink? - No.
Have you any tonic water? - Aye.
With some ice and a segment of lemon, and could you top it up with some Gordon's Gin? - Gin and tonic? - Yeah, that's right, fine.
Hello.
The gentlemen from the corporate video are on their way.
Excellent.
I've done my homework.
Would you like a drink? Thank you.
I'll have a Baileys.
One small Baileys, please.
Lynn, I was thinking about getting a substitute wife.
I would really love you to go to Sol Dangerfield's Casting Agency, and tell them to get me a 4O-year-old scorcher.
And DO use that word.
- Are you Alan Partridge? Yes.
I'm Steve Bennett.
I'm the director of the "Hamilton's Water Break" video.
- We spoke on the phone.
- This is Hugh Morris, the marketing director for Hamilton's.
He's going to be keeping an eye on us.
Make sure I don't sink the boat and drown everyone like a big twit.
I'll be down the pub, probably.
What? I'll be down the pub, getting the beers in.
- Why are you speaking like that? - It's a voice box.
That sounds great fun.
Where do you get those, a toy shop? - No, I haven't got any vocal chords.
- You sound like the girl in "The Exorcist".
I've got to say it, I love the script.
It's superb.
There's a lovely phrase where it says, "Boating appeals to both friends and family alike".
- Lovely phrase, very simple, very moving.
- Alan, it's a boat video.
We're not making a James Bond movie.
Interesting, because you do sound like a baddie in a James Bond film.
"Dr No Vocal Chords.
" No, Alan, we want to keep it simple, and that's why we hired you.
You're a local fellow.
That means good communications with tradesmen, with landlords, with farmers.
And at the end of the day, the pubs are open, and we'll be in there getting pissed! Sounds good to me.
Michael, do you want to pop that in the bin? It's just some notes I made last night, for a laugh.
I was drunk, you know.
I woke up this morning asleep on the sink, just like this.
I'd been asleep for eight hours like that.
Got up, walked downstairs, had breakfast.
Didn't even wash my hands, 'cause I'm a bloody bloke! Anyway, there's the bar.
Gentlemen, choose your weapons.
- What? - I'm offering you a drink.
- Now you're talking my language.
- I hope not.
A pint of lager.
- Three lagers.
- Three pints of lager, righty-ho.
- You're having a lager and these drinks here? - Yes, these arethe chasers.
Have you never had a lager and gin and tonic and Baileys Irish Cream chaser? - No.
- You big girls bras! - Has that got a name, that drink? - Yeah, they're called "Lady-Boys".
Because gin and tonic and Baileys are like a lady's drink, lager's a boys' drink? That's why I said that.
Cheers! (HOARSELY) Oh, lady-boys! - Do you want one? - Yeah.
- Great.
Threeno, four lady-boys.
- Four lady-boys, righty-ho.
- How much is that? - That'll be £33.
Here's to a good corporate video and lots of being men.
Indeed.
(BUZZING GARGLE) - Alan.
- Oh! I'm confused.
- What time is it? - Six o'clock.
- How long have we been drinking? - Three-quarters of an hour.
I think I'll go to my room and lean on the sink.
I have a little bit of sick.
- Mr Partridge, that's the kitchens! - I'm going to cook all the food.
- Alan, this is a hotel.
- Yeah, a three-star.
Hello, Carol? It's Alan.
How are you? Me? I'm having a fantastic time.
Yeah.
I'm having the best time since sliced bread.
How's Mr Planet-of-the-Apes man? Is he still driving that Renault Megane? Can I just read you something from "Top Gear" magazine? It's all right, I've got it here.
"With a mere ninety-break horsepower available, "progress is too leisurely to be called fast.
"But on a motorway, in fifth gear, the Megane's slow pace really becomes a pain.
"Uphill runs become power-sappingly mundane, "while overtaking National Express coaches can become a long, drawn-out affair.
" Not my words, Carol, the words of "Top Gear" magazine.
Hello? (KNOCK) Come in.
Hiya.
I've come to show you how to use your telly.
Oh, yes.
Very confusing.
Yeah.
So that's Sky MoviesSportsCNN - Adult Channel, that's your dirty movies.
- Not really my cup of tea.
I can disconnect it, put a scramble on it, just knock it out of the system.
That'll probably be a lot of trouble, won't it? Not really, it's just a switch.
- Um - It's up to you.
You're the boss.
- What you get up to in here, it's your business.
- I don't get up to anything! - Do you want me to disconnect it? - Yes.
- There, that's disconnected.
- Good.
- All right, lads? - All right, Alan.
I got really drunk last night.
I was sick everywhere.
- Were you sick? - Not really, no.
Phwoar! Look at the legs on that.
Alright? She was certainly first in the queue when God was handing out chests .
.
mammary glands.
Ooh, I'd love to have it off with her.
Oooh, sex! For a British holiday with a difference on a boat, always choose Hamilton's Water Breaks, With the melting of the ice caps, East Anglia will be under water in the next thirty years, So make the most of her stunning fens before the floods come, causing a little concern for these local farmers I chatted to, This is my wife and I going off to the local marketplace, where we can buy anything from plimsolls to posters of famous Hollywood stars, This chemical toilet is a Saniflo 33.
Now, this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything! Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed-up Dundee cake, let's take a look.
Not a trace.
Peace of mind, I'm sure especially if you have elderly relatives on board.
- Try pedestrianising this! - Can you hold that pose, Alan? Partridge, you wanker! (YELLED INSULTS) Aah! We'll dub that out, play some music over it.
- How's your friends? - Fine.
It might look a bit pokey from the outside, but a Hamilton's boat is deceptively large, My wife and I found it offers the kind of luxury and comfort you'd normally associate with a good-quality static caravan.
- Are you not having any bacon? - No, I'm vegetarian.
Yes, I know.
It's just a joke.
This is Alice, who's not going to shrink me.
She's going to talk about Hamilton's Holiday Breaks.
- You regularly book, don't you? - Yes.
- And do you do that with your boyfriend? - No, I do it alone.
- Right, you book alone? - Yep.
- How old are you? - Twenty-five.
- What do you do on a boat alone? - Read a book, relax, look at the scenery.
No, she sounds weird.
You can't use that.
Sorry.
Thank you, love.
A bit odd! Up with the Partridge, You're joining me, Alan Partridge, and Peter Baxendale Thomas of the Norfolk Farmers' Union.
Now, yesterday, I trod in a rather large farmer's pat when I made some comments about intensive farming.
Where did I go wrong? Your comments were ill-founded.
They were deeply ignorant, showed a lack of understanding of agricultural methods, and served to highlight the stupidity that farmers encounter from armchair pundits who forget to think before they open their mouth.
But with the apology you're about to give, I'm sure you can dig yourself out of this ugly hole.
Yeah Umsorry.
Have you got any requests, anyone you want to say hello to, or? I'm just saying that when you make ignorant comments, you serve simply to alarm the public and to inflame the farmers.
- Why don't you just apologise and - Moo! I thought that'd throw you.
You could talk the hind legs off a donkey.
But your donkeys are probably born without hind legs because of all the chemicals you put in their chips.
I don't have donkeys, and if I did I wouldn't feed them chips.
This is the same rubbish as the other day when you talked about putting a spine in a bap.
I admit that was a mistake.
I shouldn't have said "bap".
- Good.
Well, that's a start.
- I should have said "baguette", because a spinal column would fit in a baguette.
You've upset half the local farmers, you seem to alienate everybody, including your wife, which is why you end up living like some tramp in a lay-by.
It's a Travel Tavern.
I don't care what you call your sordid little grief hole.
- An awful lot of my colleagues - Are farmyard animals.
- You're talking about my friends here - I've got more friends than you've got cows.
- This is ridiculous! - How many cows have you got? - I've got a hundred cows.
- I've got a hundred and four friends.
I don't see what this is going to gain you.
Why don't you issue a full retraction, and you'll get yourself out of a lot of silly bother? You are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth.
- I don't think it's anything to do with class.
- And the plums have mutated and have beaks.
Beaks? Have you got any more of this, or do you want to stop at quacking plums? You make pigs smoke.
l want to know where you think you earn the right to go swanning off on these ludicrous Swans! You feed beefburgers to swans.
Do I? Perhaps you can tell me what's wrong with feeding burgers to swans.
What? If you fill a swan with beefburgers, it's full of fat, it'll float better.
- That's why we do it.
- Really? No, you complete cretin, I'm just contributing to this farce.
What else are you going to accuse me of? I'll tell you what - you farmers, you don't like outsiders, do you? like to stick to your own? What do you mean by that? - I've seen the big-eared boys on farms.
- For goodness sake, this is all just If you see a field with a pond, with a family having a picnic, you fill in the pond with concrete, plough the family into the field, blow up the tree and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife, who's also your brother! Have I got anything else to say here, or shall I go? You have big sheds, but nobody's allowed in, and inside these sheds are twenty-foot-high chickens because of all the chemicals you've put in them, and these chickens are scared.
They don't know why they're so big.
They go, "Why am I so massive?" And they're looking down on all the other little chickens and they think they're in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small.
Do you deny that? No.
His silence, I think, speaks volumes.
And, basically, do you agree that everything I've said thus far is completely correct? Yes.
(DEEP VOlCE) Yes.
And you also run over badgers in your tractor for fun.
(DEEP VOlCE) Yes.
Thank you, Peter Baxendale Thomas.
This is T'Pau.
- How did it go? - You know, up and down.
More bad news, I'm afraid.
The actress playing your wife can't do the filming today.
- Oh, for good Why not? - She's playing a shoplifter in "The Bill".
Oh, quite good.
We'll just have to think of something.
(WOMAN) Scene thirteen, take two, One of the benefits of global warming and international terrorism is that more and more people are holidaying in England.
I'll drink to that.
Cheers! - How was that, OK? - It's not working.
You can tell.
Really? Scene 13, take 3, One of the benefits of global warming and international terrorism is All right, my love? -.
.
is that - No, cut it! Action! Absolutely.
The Norfolk Broads offers the true peace and tranquillity of the English countryside.
A million miles from the urban decay of the Manchester Ship Canal and the pot-smoking, whore-ridden waterways of Amsterdam.
Indeed, disused cotton milk and legalised hard-core pornography are a million miles from your thoughts as you negotiate the Norfolk Broads.
The vey fact that hard-core pornography is not on the agenda (STEVE) It's a dead cow.
Where the bleeding hell did that come from? (HUGH) Where did that cow come from? Farmers! (STEVE) I know it's not funny! Can you hear me? I'm trapped under a cow.
(STEVE) He's OK.
Get the cow off the boat, please.
I'm not OK.
- Get that cow off the boat! - It smells.
I can feel an udder on my leg! (STEVE) Can you call Cliff Thorburn now, please? Cliff Thorburn is not primarily a presenter.
He is an ex-snooker player and is an unknown quantity.
(HUGH) Yeah, but he's not under a cow! So book a holiday with Hamilton's.
"Wat-er-way" to have a good time.
Cheers! (STEVE) Cut! OK, stick him in the ambulance.
lovely, great Well done! (HUGH) Cheers, Alan! Well done! (AlAN) Good luck with the edit.
(SIGHs) Hello, and welcome to "The Learning Zone", Thursday night into Friday morning on BBC2, Hello, is that reception? Susan, can you make pornography come on my telly, please? Oh, that's vey nice of you.
Thank you.
Oh!