Imaginary Mary (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1 [Playing "Hot Cross Buns" off-key.]
[Sniffles.]
[Music continues.]
Are you seeing this? Are these people feeling half of what I'm feeling? I-It's so beautiful.
It is.
It's that beauty, it's why we're all crying, - including me.
- [Sniffles.]
- Thanks.
- Look at Bunny.
Couldn't be more proud.
Hold on.
Uh, she's not even playing.
No air coming out of here.
Half these kids are phoning it in! And the ones who are playing definitely should not be.
God, I wish I could just rip my ears off! Oh, wait, I can! [Grunts, laughs.]
This is much better.
Mary: This is Alice.
When she was a kid, she dreamed up me to be her BFF.
Now my girl has finally fallen in love, but she's in way over her head, so I'm back to help.
I've got this all figured out.
- No, you don't.
- No, I don't.
Hey, kidlings.
How was school? - Intriguing.
- Disgusting.
The school musical this year is "Grease.
" A classic tale of misogyny and female degradation.
Only if you pay attention to the message and the words.
It tells women the only way to get a guy is to change everything about yourself! Through song, which is the best way to tell anyone anything.
So we have a range of opinions here.
Andy, if you audition, you're part of the problem.
Well, at least I'll have some kind of part.
[Groans.]
So you're thinking about getting back into the theater game, huh? Yeah.
Maybe.
I-I know I swore it off after "Les Mis" when I got the role of Javert's tailor and they didn't give me a line or let me go onstage and it wasn't a real part, but "Grease" is my favorite musical.
- How can I say no to that? - Totally.
Hey, who's the school flying in to operate the spotlight this year? Someone from Spielberg's crew, or some other expert from Hollywood, California? Uh, nah, some kid'll do it.
Wait, what? A student? You're telling me that they allow a student to operate the spotlight? Yeah.
Who cares? Spotlight crew's for dorks.
You kidding me? It's a job for only the coolest individuals, and the spotlight op is, like, the most important part of any stage production.
Really? Uh, yeah.
Remember when we went to see "The King and I," and the spotlight lost the King, and then that whole song was just "I"? Yeah, that was pretty bad.
- I guess it is an important job.
- Exactly.
Without the spotlight, it's just "No One on the Roof.
" Plus, th-they made that whole movie about the spotlight guys.
And i-it even won an Oscar, right? Yep.
Yeah.
W-Why be in the spotlight when I can control the spotlight? - [Door opens.]
- This is what I'm saying.
Hey, guys.
[Gasps.]
Ooh, "Grease.
" Andy, you'd be an awesome greaser.
You trying out? I want to so bad.
I have to.
You know what? I am! Maybe I'll do the spotlight crew next year, Dad.
Spotlight's for dorks.
[Chuckles.]
That's what I said.
What's wrong? I'm trying to get Andy not to audition for "Grease.
" What? Why? 'Cause every year, it's the same thing.
I offer advice, he ignores my advice, we fight, someone twists an ankle while dancing we both have very delicate ankles audition day comes, he throws up, doesn't get the part.
[Sighs.]
Oh, God.
And it breaks his heart.
And that breaks my heart.
I just can't do it again.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
Also, I stress eat.
For every part he loses, I gain 10 pounds.
Okay, well, I obviously blew up a plan that you have thought a lot about, so how about this? I help Andy audition.
I don't know.
Come on! I've been in school plays.
At St.
Vincent's, I was Mary, mother of Jesus, in Stations of the Cross, and I stole every scene from Jesus.
[Sighs.]
I just don't want you to go through what I go through.
I won't.
You're his dad.
You're too close.
Parents get so invested when it's their own kids.
You saw the waterworks at Bunny's recital.
You were crying, too.
Can I be completely honest? I faked it.
- Shut up.
- But you believed me because I am a very good actor, which means I can help Andy.
Plus, I want to keep you nice and wiry.
All right, fine.
See, Bunny, "Grease" is the story of a bunch of cool kids who, they hate school and love cars and love dancing.
- Neat! - N-No.
No.
"Grease" is a story of a woman forced to abandon her individuality and skank it up in leather.
- Neat! - We're going.
You're not allowed to watch this.
Bunny: But now I want to watch it even more! Hey, Andy.
I'm on my way out - Have a great night.
- Hold on.
I wanted to say, um, your dad thinks that I should maybe help you with your audition this year.
Oh, sweet.
Honestly, Dad was holding me back.
Cool.
All right, we'll start tomorrow.
See ya.
Actually, can I show you something I've been working on? Real quick.
I-I promise.
Go right ahead.
[Clears throat.]
[Chuckles softly.]
I'm ready.
Yeah, I'm just psyching myself up.
Oh.
It's always different in front of an audience.
Hmm.
Now I forgot my line.
[Chuckles.]
Should we start tomorrow? 5:00? I'll come straight from the office? Great.
Yeah, I'll be way more polished by then.
Cool.
What have I gotten myself into? Hmm, let's see.
A pickle? A corner? A bear trap of failure and despair? [Laughing.]
Yeah, the last one.
The last one for sure.
So since I couldn't remember my lines from last night, - I thought I should hold on to these.
- Great.
Let's hear it.
Hey, guys, I had a great summer.
Okay.
Now, perform it.
Again? Uh, yeah.
One more time.
For me.
Hey, guys, I had a great summer.
Go big.
Bigger than that? Eh, you know, I-I want to keep it grounded.
How about you go as big as you can, and then we'll just turn it down from there? [Shouting.]
Hey, guys, I had a great summer! You know what? We don't need these today.
Let's forget these.
Today isn't about acting.
Today is about believing.
You have to believe you are the part, which is why I'm gonna throw beanbags at you.
What? Uh, why? To help you find your inner greaser and bring him out.
Trust me.
This exercise worked for Blake Griffin.
He didn't think he could do TV ads pimping Korean sedans, but I did.
Box of beanbags later, he's a star.
Of commercials.
All right.
Well, let's go, then.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
Now, remember, you're not Andy.
- You're a tough kid from the '50s.
- Yeah.
And every time you do something cool, you get on a car and you sing about it.
You're a greaser.
Andy, catch.
Whoo! [Chuckles.]
Caught it.
Yes.
- No.
You're not Andy.
You're a greaser.
- Oh.
Yeah.
So, Andy, catch.
Ow! Sorry.
But good.
Greaser, catch! Greaser! - Andy! - No! Greaser! Now feed me that line.
Hey, guys, I had a great summer! Ah, damn right you did! Now how you feeling, Andy? I don't know, 'cause I'm a greaser, not Andy! Great.
Okay, now the beanbag part's over.
You can be Andy again.
[Chuckles.]
Whoo! Was awesome.
See, that's the mindset you need to land the lead role.
- [Door opens.]
- For real? You think You think I should go for the lead? - [Door closes.]
- Of course.
Go big or go home! - Whoo! - Whoo! [Laughter.]
How's it going here? Sounds like you guys are having fun.
Well, Alice thinks I should go for the lead in "Grease.
" What do you think? [Mumbles.]
That's awesome, buddy.
Alice, can I see you? Yeah.
The lead? You told him he could be the lead? He can't handle not getting chorus.
How's he gonna handle it when he doesn't get the lead? If you aim low, you hit low.
If he aims for the lead, he'll maybe get a line or a character with a name.
Okay, here's where we're having a miscommunication.
He won't get any of those things, and he will cry and I will eat.
You ever have nougat covered in salty tears, Alice? It's delicious.
- Okay, you need to relax and give it.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Give it.
- Mnh-mnh.
Give it.
Good.
Good boy.
Andy is going to be fine.
You are going to be fine.
We're all going to be fine.
But you have to admit he's improving already.
[As John Travolta.]
Yo, Alice, let's do this.
Hey.
See? I think that was Rocky.
Oh, right.
Oh, he's got more range than I thought.
No.
[Bell ringing.]
Boycott this audition! Misogyny is their mission! Boycott this audition! Misogyny is their mission! Sister, rethink your choice here.
I hear you, but I really want to be in a play.
Perfect, 'cause I'm gonna write one with a strong female protagonist! The anti-"Grease.
" I'll call it "Dawn" 'cause Dawn cuts grease.
Can I still wear a poodle skirt? I mean, [Chuckles.]
most of my plays are kind of set in a dystopian future, but m-maybe, maybe.
Boycott this audition! Misogyny is their mission! Boycott this audition! Misogyny is th You're really doing this? Yeah, Dora, and I know it's not politically correct.
All the girls are hoes.
Whatever.
"Grease" is my destiny.
Alice: Strut, strut.
Strut, strut.
Pivot, comb.
Strut, strut.
Hop, turn, comb.
Mary: Right.
Bring it.
Strut, strut.
- Uh, pivot, comb.
- Oh.
Instantly bad.
Strut, strut, hop, spin, comb.
More like skip, skip, skip the audition.
No, J-JK, JK.
Seriously though, we got a lot of work to do.
Try it again.
[Stray Cats' "Rock This Town" plays.]
Whoa.
Ah! Ah! Man down! Man down! [Laughs.]
Well, my baby and me went out late Saturday night I had my hair piled high And my baby just looked so right Well, pick you up at 10 Gonna get you home at 2 Mama don't know what I got in store for you But that's all right We're looking as cool as can be Hey One second.
Well, we found a little place That really didn't look half bad I had a whiskey on the rocks And changed half a dollar for the jukebox Greaser, greaser, greaser.
I put a quarter right into that can But all they played was disco, man Come on, baby, baby, let's get out of here right away We're gonna rock this town - Rock it inside out - Hey Yes! - Ooh.
- [Laughs.]
Rock this town, make 'em scream and shout - Let's rock, rock, rock, man, rock - Hey! - Sing! - We're gonna rock till we pop We're gonna rock till we drop We're gonna rock this town Rock it inside out Whoo! Whoa Okay, I'm gonna say something crazy! Not if I say something crazy first.
Both: I think Andy might get the lead! [Both scream.]
Okay, we got to be cool.
We cannot get inside Andy's head.
Let's not tell this to anybody else.
Yeah, that's on you.
I can't talk to anyone else.
Hey, champ.
How you feeling? Alice, uh, I know this might sound crazy, but I think I got a shot at the lead.
You got it in the bag! I knew it.
[Laughs.]
[Chanting.]
Andy is the lead! Andy is the lead! Both: Andy is the lead.
- Yeah! - All: Andy is the lead! - Hey! Hey! - All: Andy is the lead! - Andy is the lead! - Whoo! [Distorted.]
Andy is the lead! Andy is the lead! Andy is the lead! Hey, Alice.
Do you have any cigarettes? What? No.
Why? That's a silly question.
I just watched the movie again, and at the end, she smokes and gets a boyfriend.
Oh, well, that movie is pretend, and smoking is bad for you.
That movie is bad for you.
Come see my play.
"Dawn: The Anti-Grease.
" Date and time TBD.
Location TBD.
Cast and script TBD.
- Hmm.
- Guys.
We need to rehearse.
Out.
Easy does it, daddy-o.
Okay, let's warm up.
You got it, coach.
Hey, everybody.
Pop quiz.
Pop because I'm a dad and because you weren't expecting it.
We're kind of working here.
Pop quizzes are short.
Here goes.
Who is 5'10", has frosted tips, - and a devil-may-care attitude? - Duh.
It's Guy Fieri.
That wasn't even hard, Dad.
You know he's my favorite thing on TV.
And this is your favorite shirt in the world.
Oh, my God.
That is not that is not for me.
Is it for me, Dad? Not only this, but I also got us tickets to his meet-and-greet at the Fry Your Face Off Fest this weekend! Stop! Come on in, the oil's fine.
That's really great, Ben, but he can't make it.
He has his audition this weekend.
Oh.
[Inhales sharply.]
Oh, boy, I put you in a tough spot, didn't I? Let's button her up.
Oh, man.
I really love Guy Fieri.
It's like which pot of gold do I choose? "Grease" or Guy? "Grease" or Guy? How about we give him a second alone to think about it.
If you think about it, who loves grease more than Guy? I cannot believe you.
I'm not telling him he can't do it, but if he chooses not to do it, hey, it's not my fault Guy Fieri's a Crock-Pot of charisma.
Why are you trying to derail him? We have a really good thing going.
He's doing great! Okay, it's not just about Andy anymore.
It's about you.
You're all in.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you're acting kind of parent-y.
How dare you.
You think he's gotten better than he has.
[Chuckles.]
That's classic parent-y feeling.
And when he doesn't get the role, you're both gonna be devastated.
So you're doing this to protect Andy's feelings and mine? Yes.
Trust me.
I know how this story ends, and it's not with a convertible in the sky.
- [Laughs mockingly.]
- I choose "Grease.
" Not Guy's grease, but the guy in "Grease.
" Good.
Let's get back to rehearsal.
You got it.
Aaayyh! That was the Fonz.
They're basically the same.
[Rockabilly music plays.]
Today's the day.
And guess what? Haven't thrown up once.
Not even a little up-the-throat action? Nope.
I'm ready for this.
You really are, aren't you? Yeah.
Dude, I got to say, I've never seen you this confident.
Well, it's all thanks to Alice.
She is the bee's knees.
That's greaser talk for "cool.
" "Cool" is also greaser talk for "cool.
" She is pretty cool, isn't she? Well, I should get going.
I will text you later when I get cast.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Door opens, closes.]
No.
Nope.
Still nothing from Andy? - Nope.
- [Groans.]
- Are you even tasting that? - Nope.
- Do you care? - Nope.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- [Screams.]
He came to tell us he got the part! I came here to apologize.
I was wrong.
Ugh, this guy.
I'm out.
So you do think he'll get the part? - Oh, no.
- Ben.
But that's not the point.
[Sighs.]
The point is, he left the house today more confident than I've ever seen, and to me, that's more important than if he gets this part.
He will get the part.
Well, agree to disagree.
And it's a good reminder for me that I can be a little overprotective sometimes, so thank you.
M'kay.
Mm.
What is that, caramel? It's a new ChapStick lotion thing that I use on my face parts.
- [Phone buzzing.]
- [Gasps.]
Finally! Did he get it? Did he get it? Did he get it?! Whatever happens here, it's all gonna be okay.
[Chuckles.]
I am a pro, and this is children's theater.
I will be fine.
[Gasps.]
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry, babe, but you did really great.
Andy couldn't have been more - No! - No! Okay, sweetie, love the lung capacity.
We need to calm down.
I don't believe this.
No lead role? No speaking part? No lines at all?! Who got the lead, huh? Who is it? I'll take him out! Oh, I will take him out! We're going down to that school and somebody's getting fired.
- Today! - Slow down.
Take a breath.
Or we go subtle.
I'll call this P.
I.
I know.
He'll find something on that drama teacher.
Let the dirt do the work.
Hey, hey, we're gonna go comfort Andy, who, no doubt, is a wreck right now, but I have to point out what's happening you're being super parent-y.
No, I am being super professional because I care about my work.
Getting the teacher fired? Would you do that for one of your clients? Would you do that for Blake Griffin? If I saw how hard he worked and he had something taken away from him, and he was a really great kid, yes, I would! Damn it! [Door closes.]
- [Sighs.]
- Oh, Andy.
I know, but let's keep perspective, this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to him.
This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me! - Andy, they don't know - Oh, buddy I've been such a tool for the patriarchy, making you change for me? A real man should love you just the way you are.
I'm a greaser no more.
Oh, baby, I'm so happy you turned your back on society for me.
I'm going to work now, where my pay is equal to my male colleagues.
- What the hell is going on? - Dora: Andy, this is hard for me to say because you're my brother, but that was amazing.
Really? You are my post-feminist hero, John Newton Olivia! Can you believe that? I'm John Newton Olivia! Of course I can believe it! I'm so happy for you.
I know this wasn't our original plan, but after I crushed that audition and didn't even get a small role, - I said, "Mr.
Doyle, screw you.
" - Yes.
Five minutes later, I apologized.
I was raised right.
The man's got a lot on his plate.
And now you got your first lead.
- First of many.
- Easy.
Thank you, Alice.
I-I couldn't have done it without you.
Come on, I want to get you fitted.
First dress is in a week.
Also, you'll be wearing a dress for the final number.
Cool.
[Laughing.]
Oh, my God.
What a roller coaster.
I feel like I've had a heart attack, walked a tightrope, and won the lottery, all at the same time.
Uh-huh.
There's a word for those feelings parent-y.
[Chuckles.]
Ugh.
All the children have the power to do that? - Yep, even Dora.
- Oh, boy.
Now I get why you tried to stop me.
I'm glad I couldn't.
For the record, I may be feeling a little parent-y, but I did not cry.
No, you didn't.
I didn't.
There's a long list of things That I like about you And appearance is not numbers one On through 22 Some men like a woman With a sexy rear Are you getting this? Oh, I'm getting it.
Look at Bunny with the spotlight - like a pro! - Ben: Right? Said it was an important job and I meant it.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
He's a star! Sure, of a garage play, but still! - Whoo-hoo! - Equal pay Equal pay - Equal pay - I don't know what I'm watching, but I love it! Equal pay, equal pay Sha-la-la-la-la-la So, what'd you think of the show? I didn't like it as much as the real "Grease.
" - But you liked it? - I guess.
What was your favorite part? I liked that Andy wore a dress.
That was funny.
Oh, and I also liked the girl forgot her lines and cried.
That was also funny.
But you you, like, get what I was going for, right, Bunny? What do you want me to tell you, Dora? You wrote a play in three days, you performed it in our garage!