Immoral Compass (2021) s01e03 Episode Script
Part 3: Relationships
1
Here's a bad reason,
but a very popular reason
to get into a relationship
Is you're lonely.
Don't ever do that.
It's much better to be
laying in bed lonely
by yourself, listening
to the faucet drippin',
than to be laying next to
somebody you have no feelings for,
thinking shit like, well, what
if she gets into a car accident?
You know? What if an asteroid
just hits her side of the bed?
What if I fake my own death?
What if I do my own death?
I was in relationships, and
I'd be thinking that for years.
I'd be sitting there going, "Hey,
oh, the turkey's, oh, delicious,"
as I'm thinking
about killing myself.
Every relationship I was ever
in, Jesus Christ, apologizing,
just backing up, backing up,
backing up, backing up.
You're in goal line D the entire
time you're in the fucking relationship.
When's the last time you took
out the fucking trash? You know?
You take the bag
out of the fucking garbage bag.
That's not taking it out.
That's setting it aside.
Ooh, you tied it
off. Look at you.
You know, so always listen
to that voice.
Whenever you're thinking
about killing yourself,
that means you're not happy.
[funky synth rock instrumental]
[static]
Please, let another doc do this.
He was practically too
embarrassed to ask me for a ride.
How do you think
Bonnie and Stu will feel
knowing their neighbor let
someone else take care of their son?
Jeffrey, come on.
Honey, it's gonna be fine.
Knock, knock.
Hey, Mark. How you doing, buddy?
[sighs, whispers] God dammit.
He's, a, uh, neighbor kid,
family friend.
Can't you get someone else
to do this, Dr. Robinson?
Please call me Jeffrey, and
I am way better at this than I was cooking
those burgers on Labor Day weekend.
- All right?
[gloves squeak]
Nothing to be embarrassed about.
I'm just gonna put two fingers
up there and grab whatever it is
- that's bothering you.
- [exhales]
Everybody experiments,
okay? So
You know, Doctor,
I think I'm okay.
- No.
- I'm gonna be all right. It's
It's gonna be fine, Mark,
okay? [Sighs]
We've been neighbors for a
long time. I've seen this butt before.
There you go. You're gonna feel
a little bit of pressure.
It's gonna be a
little cold, and
[groans]
Okay. Whoa, that is sharp, huh?
- And here it is.
- [groans]
- [squish]
- [exhales] There we go.
[suspenseful music]
CAROLYN: Baby?
♪♪♪
I can explain.
[Mark exhales deeply]
♪♪♪
[moody ballad]
♪♪♪
When they find
we're so close ♪
I'll be standing
by the stairs and I ♪
I'm ready to implode ♪
Ready to disown ♪
♪♪♪
And the curtain
shall come down ♪
People clap and start
to frown and you ♪
So dark and insincere ♪
Whisper in my ear ♪
♪♪♪
And if I scream out ♪
Secret thoughts
that drag you down ♪
I don't wanna be a thorn
in your side no more ♪
♪♪♪
I pray to the god of frail ♪
I'm on my way ♪
I pray ♪
For judgment day ♪
♪♪♪
I pray ♪
To the god of the frail ♪
I'm on my way ♪
I pray ♪
For judgment day ♪
♪♪♪
I pray ♪
To the god of the frail ♪
I'm on my way ♪
I pray ♪
For judgment day ♪
♪♪♪
For judgment day ♪
[song ends]
[static]
Here's Here's why I fucked up.
You know, like 30 years ago,
way back when I was, you know,
still in high school,
this new chick moved to town.
I swear to God, I looked at her,
I had a heart attack.
I mean, I was thunderstruck. I
immediately fell in love with her.
You know? And of course,
it didn't work out,
and I thought about her every
fucking day for the next 25 years.
So one day I'm in a bar, and
I'm telling my buddy about it.
And he goes,
"Oh, yeah, she broke your heart?
She broke up with you?"
I said, "No."
And he goes,
"Oh, did you break up with her?"
And I said, "No."
I go, "I never even
talked to her."
And he just starts
fucking laughing.
He's going, "Wait a minute.
Some chick broke your heart
that you never even talked to?"
And I was like, "Yeah,"
and he's just crying laughing,
punching the bar,
and I'm like, "What?"
He goes, "Buddy, if you never
even talked to her,
for all you know,
she could've been a cunt."
And I never thought
about her again.
So my point is, if you see some
woman, and she makes your heart stop,
you gotta go up
and take an at-bat.
You know? You gotta find out
if she's a cunt or not.
Here's a bad reason,
but a very popular reason
to get into a relationship
Is you're lonely.
Don't ever do that.
It's much better to be
laying in bed lonely
by yourself, listening
to the faucet drippin',
than to be laying next to
somebody you have no feelings for,
thinking shit like, well, what
if she gets into a car accident?
You know? What if an asteroid
just hits her side of the bed?
What if I fake my own death?
What if I do my own death?
I was in relationships, and
I'd be thinking that for years.
I'd be sitting there going, "Hey,
oh, the turkey's, oh, delicious,"
as I'm thinking
about killing myself.
Every relationship I was ever
in, Jesus Christ, apologizing,
just backing up, backing up,
backing up, backing up.
You're in goal line D the entire
time you're in the fucking relationship.
When's the last time you took
out the fucking trash? You know?
You take the bag
out of the fucking garbage bag.
That's not taking it out.
That's setting it aside.
Ooh, you tied it
off. Look at you.
You know, so always listen
to that voice.
Whenever you're thinking
about killing yourself,
that means you're not happy.
[funky synth rock instrumental]
[static]
Please, let another doc do this.
He was practically too
embarrassed to ask me for a ride.
How do you think
Bonnie and Stu will feel
knowing their neighbor let
someone else take care of their son?
Jeffrey, come on.
Honey, it's gonna be fine.
Knock, knock.
Hey, Mark. How you doing, buddy?
[sighs, whispers] God dammit.
He's, a, uh, neighbor kid,
family friend.
Can't you get someone else
to do this, Dr. Robinson?
Please call me Jeffrey, and
I am way better at this than I was cooking
those burgers on Labor Day weekend.
- All right?
[gloves squeak]
Nothing to be embarrassed about.
I'm just gonna put two fingers
up there and grab whatever it is
- that's bothering you.
- [exhales]
Everybody experiments,
okay? So
You know, Doctor,
I think I'm okay.
- No.
- I'm gonna be all right. It's
It's gonna be fine, Mark,
okay? [Sighs]
We've been neighbors for a
long time. I've seen this butt before.
There you go. You're gonna feel
a little bit of pressure.
It's gonna be a
little cold, and
[groans]
Okay. Whoa, that is sharp, huh?
- And here it is.
- [groans]
- [squish]
- [exhales] There we go.
[suspenseful music]
CAROLYN: Baby?
♪♪♪
I can explain.
[Mark exhales deeply]
♪♪♪
[moody ballad]
♪♪♪
When they find
we're so close ♪
I'll be standing
by the stairs and I ♪
I'm ready to implode ♪
Ready to disown ♪
♪♪♪
And the curtain
shall come down ♪
People clap and start
to frown and you ♪
So dark and insincere ♪
Whisper in my ear ♪
♪♪♪
And if I scream out ♪
Secret thoughts
that drag you down ♪
I don't wanna be a thorn
in your side no more ♪
♪♪♪
I pray to the god of frail ♪
I'm on my way ♪
I pray ♪
For judgment day ♪
♪♪♪
I pray ♪
To the god of the frail ♪
I'm on my way ♪
I pray ♪
For judgment day ♪
♪♪♪
I pray ♪
To the god of the frail ♪
I'm on my way ♪
I pray ♪
For judgment day ♪
♪♪♪
For judgment day ♪
[song ends]
[static]
Here's Here's why I fucked up.
You know, like 30 years ago,
way back when I was, you know,
still in high school,
this new chick moved to town.
I swear to God, I looked at her,
I had a heart attack.
I mean, I was thunderstruck. I
immediately fell in love with her.
You know? And of course,
it didn't work out,
and I thought about her every
fucking day for the next 25 years.
So one day I'm in a bar, and
I'm telling my buddy about it.
And he goes,
"Oh, yeah, she broke your heart?
She broke up with you?"
I said, "No."
And he goes,
"Oh, did you break up with her?"
And I said, "No."
I go, "I never even
talked to her."
And he just starts
fucking laughing.
He's going, "Wait a minute.
Some chick broke your heart
that you never even talked to?"
And I was like, "Yeah,"
and he's just crying laughing,
punching the bar,
and I'm like, "What?"
He goes, "Buddy, if you never
even talked to her,
for all you know,
she could've been a cunt."
And I never thought
about her again.
So my point is, if you see some
woman, and she makes your heart stop,
you gotta go up
and take an at-bat.
You know? You gotta find out
if she's a cunt or not.