In Living Color (1990) s01e03 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody hereis equally kind In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
[Applause, Cheering.]
[Audience Whooping.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right.
Thank you.
I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans and welcome to In Living Color.
We've been having a lot of fun here the past few weeks.
So, you know, I've been getting, like, a lot of letters.
.
.
people asking me what I like most about doing the show.
And I guess it's working with my family.
And I'd like to start by introducing my baby brother and my D.
J.
.
.
- S.
W.
One.
- [Applause.]
What you doin' with my shoes on, man? These ain't yours.
I'm gonna wear those.
Take them off, man.
Give me my shoes.
- Oh, come on, man.
These ain't yours.
- Gimme my shoes.
How you gonna do this to me, man, on TV? Why you go in my closet? All right.
Now I want to introduce my Fly Girls, starting over here.
.
.
with Cari, Deidre, Michelle.
.
.
Lisa and Carrie Ann.
Yeah.
- All right.
We about to get things rolling.
.
.
- Keenen.
It ain't funny, man.
Gimme my shirt.
Come on, man.
You said I could wear it yesterday.
Give him the shirt, man.
[Cheering, Applause.]
[S.
W.
One, Indistinct.]
Chill out before I take my chest back.
We'll be in a minute.
Let's go.
You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color [Man.]
On FOX this fall,a principal breathes new life.
.
.
into a failing beauty school in theuplifting miniseries Lean On Me, Beautiful.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! My name is Joe Clark.
I am your new principal.
Now, when I point to you, I want you to line up.
You, you, you and you and you, line up now.
Expeditiously.
Now, I want all of you to take a good look at them.
Take a good lookat these mutants.
These are the ugliest kidsin the class.
They have no place here.
I want you all to go home to your ugly parents right now.
Get on outta here.
Hurry up! Move on! You too, buzzard! This is an outrage! You can't talk to my students this way! I'm going to the school superintendent.
Well, go on then.
And let the door hit you in the big putty butt.
Why, I never! I bet you have not.
Now, do you know what they say about you out there? Huh? Grease head, do you know what they say about you? They say that the reason you're in a beauty school.
.
.
is because you're too stupid to go to a regular school.
I happen to think they're right.
But when I'm through with you, you'll be the smartest dumb people out there.
- What do you want, ugly? - I don't wanna go! [Sobbing.]
Come with me, boy.
- Come here! - [Continues Sobbing.]
Now, what makes you think you can be a beautician? Huh? - What makes you think you can give beauty tips? - [Stammering.]
Look at yourself.
You're ugly, boy.
Is your parents ugly? - Yeah.
- You're gonna grow up to look just like 'em.
If you got ugly parents, you might as well just jump out the window.
- Do you use chemicals in your hair? - No.
- Do you use chemicals in your hair? - Yeah.
Now you got a bad perm and you're ugly.
The world don't need another ugly boy with a bad perm.
- Just go on and jump, son.
- Okay.
Now, what are you all looking at? Huh? - Let me hear the school song.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh.
.
.
Let me hear the school song now.
We don't have a school song.
- You don't have one? - N-N-No.
- Then make one up.
- Uh-uh-uh.
.
.
Fair Wilford Beauty Acad.
.
.
You can do better than that.
I said Wilford Beauty Academy - Wilford Beauty Academy - I gotta mean Yes, indeed I'm doin' hair Sit in my chair I'm doin' curls for little girls Mr.
Clark.
.
.
I think it is a disgrace what you have done to those children.
I can see why they call you "CrazyJoe.
" - You are an egotist and a demagogue.
- Excuse me, children.
- May I talk to you outside for a moment? - Follow me.
Carry on.
- Now, how dare you take those children.
.
.
- Don't you ever.
.
.
[Clark Continues Yelling,Indistinct.]
She used to call me "CrazyJoe," now she just calls me "Bat Man.
" I want this place cleaned up right now! [Yelling, Indistinct.]
No, Joe! Joe, no, Joe! There's been a mistake! You weren't supposed to come to Wilford Beauty School.
You were supposed to come to Wilford Central High School.
You'll have to go, Joe.
But I got so much more to break up.
I don't make the rules.
Well, I'm sorry, children.
I'll no longer be your principal.
I've been reassigned.
Don't go, Mr.
Clark.
We need you! We love you, Mr.
Clark! Yeah, Joe, don't go! I mean, who's gonna give me that extra push I need? - Boy, you children really are stupid.
- [Chuckles.]
Well, maybe I should stick around.
Looks like they're gonna need somebody to lean on.
- Yea! - [Man.]
All righty then.
[Singing.]
Lean On Me, Beautiful: TheJoe Clark Story, Part II, only on FOX.
I found true love and happiness.
And I found the guy of my dreams.
And you, too, can enjoy interracial splendor.
.
.
[Together.]
On the Mitzvah Train.
So why not climb aboard the Mitzvah Train.
.
.
the city's premiere Afro-Judeo video dating service.
Bridge some of those cultural gaps while doin' the wild thing.
You'll find you have a lot more in common than you thought.
.
.
slavery, hard-to-manage hair, Sammy Davis Jr.
Hey, maybe your grandfather was your date's slumlord.
- Mine was.
- So why not give it a try? That's right.
I didn't know a matzo ball from a basketball.
.
.
till I met Mitzi.
Ahmad taught me the Roger Rabbit dance.
.
.
and I was even able to try it out at a Kool Moe Dee concert.
I love my Yiddish mama so much, I've had myself circumcised.
.
.
twice.
And I'm thinking about going back for another cut.
So come on down to Mitzvah Train.
And remember, we're not only the owners of the Mitzvah Train.
.
.
[Together.]
But we're also clients.
You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are perfect.
Welcome to the show for, by and about women.
.
.
Go On, Girl.
! I'm your host Shawanda Harvey.
Many of you have read my book Eve Stands Alone.
In this book, I try to encourage women to be strong.
.
.
independent and unencumbered by the fetters of a man's world.
Today, my guests are two women that say that my book has changed their lives.
Let's welcome, from the New City Dance Ensemble, Keyana.
- [All.]
Go on, girl! Go on, girl! - All right.
All right.
And prominent artist Lavonia Bufume.
- [All.]
Go on, girl.
!- All right.
Keyana, you are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are perfect.
- Yes, I am! - Yes, you are! How has my book changed your life? - Shawanda.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
- When I first became interested in dance.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
- The male entity that I was dwelling with.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
- He didn't support me.
- Go on, girl.
Girl, he tried to trivialize my womanly creativity.
- No! Mm-mm-mm.
- Yes, he did.
But your book.
.
.
your book showed me.
.
.
that I did not need a man to validate me! - [All.]
Go on, girl! - All right.
- [All Sigh.]
- I'm gone! Lavonia, you are strong.
You are perfect.
What about beautiful? Of course you're beautiful.
Don't you have a similar story? - Oh, I most certainly do.
Do you know.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
- That when I wanted to take art lessons.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
My significant other was too cheap to pay for them? Typical, sister.
Typical.
Then he used to have this line he would say to me, " A woman is as sweet as honey.
.
.
[Guests.]
as long as she don't want no money.
" Girl, my significant other used to say the same thing to me.
Girl, go on.
Then, he tried to make it up to me.
.
.
by buying me this cheap, fake African necklace.
You know, I used to have a necklace just like that.
- No! But I showed him.
.
.
- Yeah, girl.
That he wasn't nearly as significant as he thought he was.
- [All.]
Go on, girl.
Go on! - That's right! - And now you're an up-and-coming artist.
.
.
- That's right.
- And you don't have to depend on a man.
- That's right.
- But, girl, you can't depend on a man.
- I know you can't.
- My man took art lessons.
- Go on.
- He came home with all these nude drawings.
- Mm-hmm.
Talk about he don't need no nude model to draw 'em.
- Go on.
Not to me.
- Do I look like a fool to you? - Not my sister! - Girl! You talk about up and coming? I heard that.
I can't trust my Umbatu as far as I can throw him.
- Umbatu? That's my man's name.
- Umbatu! Oh, sisters, sisters! No, no, no! I'm sure that's just a coincidence.
Come to think of it, you even look like the girl in the pictures.
Oh, now, sister, you know how art is.
You can't ever tell.
Art nothing.
I recognize her big butt anywhere.
Oh! Big butt, honey? At least I got one.
- A man's gotta have something to hold on to.
- Is that so? Sisters, remember, "Go on, girl.
" - You better go on! - Go on! - And speaking of something to hold on to.
.
.
- Yes.
He better not try holding on to that fake hair of yours.
- Go on, girl.
I mean, go on, girl.
- Oh! Oh, see now, you need to take your flat behind.
.
.
no dancin', wanna be on Soul Train or Africa.
.
.
send you back to America wherever they found you.
- Oh, is that so? - That's right! Sisters, you are fighting over a man.
You don't need that.
- Remember, Eve stands alone.
- Well, it's television.
All right.
Well.
Now, all together, "Go on, girl.
" [Guests, Unenthusiastically.]
Go on, girl.
Well, that's it today for Go On, Girl.
.
.
the show by, for and about women.
- Didn't you lose on Star Search? - That's it! [Overlapping Yelling.]
First of all, we must internalize.
.
.
the "flatulation" of the matter.
.
.
by transmitting the effervescence of the "Indianisian" proximity.
.
.
in order to further segregate.
.
.
the crux of my venereal infection.
Now, if I may retain my liquids here for one moment.
.
.
I'd like to continue the "redundance".
.
.
of my quote, unquote, "intestinal tract," you see.
.
.
because to preclude on the issue of world domination.
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.
would only circumvent.
.
.
[Clears Throat.]
Excuse me, circumcise the revelation.
.
.
that reflects the "Afro-disiatic" symptoms.
.
.
which now perpetrates theJheri curls activation.
See, so by the.
.
.
Do not misinterpret the chauvinistic.
.
.
[Man.]
Give to the United NegroScholarship Fund.
Because a mind is a terrible thingto develop without help.
Allow me to expose my colon once again.
The ramification inflicted on the incision.
.
.
placed within the Fallopian cavities.
.
.
serves to be holistic.
.
.
taken from the Latin word "jalapeño.
" [Man.]
Coming this fallon Too-Too Ethnic.
- Mm-mm-mm.
Whoo-whee! - What? - Uh-huh.
Mary! - [Scoffs.]
- Nu-uh, honey.
Child.
- Word.
- Ooh! She's up.
- Hush! Girl, I'll pull your 411.
You need 911 at 227 - Oh! Be there! - Be there! [Man.]
This fall on FOX.
[Hip-hop.]
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Timmy.
Where's Lassie? She's outside.
I'll get her.
- Lassie! - [Traffic Noises.]
Oh, Lassie! [Growling.]
[Barks.]
Mom, can Lassie and I go out and play? I don't think that's a good idea, Timmy.
This just isn't a safe neighborhood.
Don't worry, Mom.
Lassie will protect me.
After all, there's no breed of dog that's smarter, more loyal.
.
.
or more protective than a pit bull.
You and Lassie are to play indoors and I won't hear another word about it, young man.
- [Growls, Barks.]
- Mom, I think she's trying to tell us something.
Well.
.
.
Well, what is it, girl? There's danger? - [Barking.]
- What danger? From land? Fatherland? [Barks.]
You think there would be some danger in the reunification of Germany? Oh, Lassie, I understand your concerns.
.
.
but the political climate today is much different than it was 50 years ago.
[Barking.]
Maybe we should stop lining Lassie's dog bed with U.
S.
News and World Report.
I think you might be right, Timmy.
- [Lassie Growling.]
- [Man.]
Hey, somebody get this dog off me.
! Help.
! Help.
![Screaming.]
What do you have there, girl? It's an arm.
Somebody lost an arm.
It's a good thing you found it, Lassie.
Maybe the owner will give us a reward.
I'll just put it over here with the other arms, Timmy.
[Lassie Barking.]
Listen, Mom.
I think Lassie's trying to tell us something else.
What's that, girl? Open the letter? Why.
.
.
Oh, Timmy, it's an eviction notice.
They're trying to throw us out of our home for harboring a dangerous animal.
Now, what animal could they be referring to? That's it, Mom! That's what Lassie was trying to tell us.
Not "fatherland," "landlord.
" See, we were in danger,and Lassie was helping us.
- Come here, girl.
Let me give you a big hug.
- [Lassie Barking.]
- We owe you a lot.
- [Growling.]
- Jeepers! We love you, Lassie.
- We love you, Lassie.
[Yells.]
[Man.]
Richard Pryor is back.
[Mumbling, Indistinct.]
- Oh! - And this time he's more scared than ever.
[Mumbling, Indistinct.]
Ooh, nasty.
[Continues Mumbling, Groaning.]
[Screams.]
[Yelling, Indistinct.]
Richard Pryor is Scared For No Reason.
[Hip-hop.]
[Continues.]
[Laughing, Chattering.]
It's really hot.
I sure wish I could take a dip.
- Well, why don't you? - Well, it's that time.
.
.
and I'm not sure of my protection.
Girlfriend, it's time you switched to a more absorbent brand.
Here.
Try these.
Vortex II.
I'm using them now.
Hmm.
[Suction Sound.]
[Wind Whistling.]
[Slurping Sound.]
Hey! Hey! [Woman.]
Vortex II.
It's superabsorbent.
Where'd the water go? All right.
Thank you.
Thank you for joining us.
We hope you had a good time.
Crystal, tell 'em what to do.
Tune in next time.
[Audience Whooping.]
You can do what you wanna do In living color