In the Motherhood (2009) s01e03 Episode Script
Bully
So there it is.
We all think it turned out really great, A true collaboration.
If I saw this on a turnpike, I'd stop here even if I didn't have to pee.
(laughs) (woman) I love it.
(man) yeah, it's very, very nice.
So would I.
(woman) so neat.
Well, this This is awful.
Yeah, it, uh, it really sucks, Jane.
(man) I've been saying that all along.
(woman) oh, God! Ugh! (man) it's terrible.
(woman) really bad.
Blair, you told us to take it in this direction.
Well, now I'm gonna tell you to take it in a new direction-- The trash can.
(inhales deeply) (exhales deeply) Jane, it's the third time you've been late this week, you know? I mean, I'm just a Manny.
I'm not a machine.
Although, it would be pretty cool if I was a machine.
I'm sorry, Horatio.
My boss is on a real tear lately.
And my coworkers just (loudly) sold me out! (normal voice) please tell Annie I'm sorry I didn't make it To her soccer game again.
Oh, and try to keep the baby awake So I can tell her a bedtime story.
What, are you kidding?! No.
First slow eyeblink, she's hitting the sack.
She's little, but she fights dirty--spitting and cooing.
Oh, thanks for making it sound so horrible, Horatio.
It almost makes staying at work bearable.
(whispers) gotta go.
(sighs) I feel better.
(child giggles) (doorbell rings) Hey! It's my sister (chuckles) And her kids.
And her Manny.
Okay.
Horatio! I haven't been to the market all week.
You don't mind if we eat here, right? Not at all.
I always have a hot meal ready For a working mom who can't get it together for her kids.
It's my duty as a stay-at-home.
Hey, you--you know what, Horatio? You should come on out and kick it with me by the grill, man.
Ah, I got a raspberry hefeweizen.
That sounds great.
You have any beer? (Jason) yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, ems.
Hey! We're here to mooch.
The more the merrier.
It'll be fun splitting Four pieces of origami sea bass eight ways.
Oh, we'll make a game of it.
So mom taught me how to drive today.
Yeah, just the basics-- "t.
J.
Hooker" hood slide And "the Dukes of Hazzard" driver's side window entry.
Oh, I didn't realize that tonight was The drinking contest.
What is going on with you? Ah, work is terrible, and I'm worried about Annie.
Apparently, there is a bully at the bus stop Terrorizing all the kids.
Is he making fun of her little boobies? No, she's 11.
It's awful.
I was bullied when I was that age, too.
Did they make fun of your little boobies? Okay, get off that.
Hey, mom, they're playing your commercial again.
(woman) if you're a girl or a man or in the back of a van I'm gonna call-all-all your brains out That song you made back in the day Just made us $7 today.
Ca-Ching! Oh! And they only had to change one word.
(laughs) I can't believe that my friend was the lead singer of pony.
We were a seminal punk rock band-- From March '84 to Late July '84.
Okay.
Yeah.
It was hardcore.
You know, every time I hear that song, It reminds me of the backseat Of my high school boyfriend's hatchback.
You're welcome.
(laughs) and the front seat.
And one time on the hood.
Wow.
Okay.
You know, Rosemary, Is it hard for you to hear your punk rock anthem Be turned into a phone commercial? I'm an artist, And I just felt artistically Mm-hmm.
That I would like to make a ton of money.
So, nope, wasn't that hard.
Okay, I'm gonna ask you something crazy.
Is there any way you would consider performing with pony At the event I'm planning? The other ladies on the committee would freak.
Performing? (chuckles) I don't know.
Oh, it's been a long time.
Yeah.
I mean, I'd have to get the band back together Sure.
And a lot of those guys have no self-esteem anymore Or phones.
What's the event? It's a preschool fund-raiser.
(laughs) (laughs) did you .
Did you just ask me To perform with pony at a preschool fund-raiser? Is that what just happened? Okay, I didn't realize it was such a great opportunity! Hells, yeah! Yeah! Whoo! Rock 'n' roll! Pony! Ahh pony (all singing indistinctly) You guys really don't have to do this.
Honey, we're here to help.
Oh, I guarantee you're just gonna make it worse.
(boy) what is that stink, Perkins? Did you step in it or just eat it for breakfast? Look at that bully taking on kids twice his size Like it's nothing.
Thank your mom when you see her, 'cause these jicama sticks Just saved you from getting your ass kicked.
(vehicle approaching) Ah, if it isn't goofus.
What, now you have a little entourage? I have never seen these people before in my life.
Hey, that's her lunch.
I don't know who packs her lunch, But they're always nasty.
I got it.
(clears throat) Listen, bro, you seem cool-- Nice baby.
Did it come out of your butt? No.
Hey, you have to realize What you're doing here hurts people.
That's the point, fatso.
What'd you call me? What'd you call me? Stop it.
Stop it.
I mean it! Cut it out! I mean it! Cut it out! I'm an idiot! Nice to know.
Ooh.
Wow.
He's good.
(laughs) Sucks.
Bad.
Worse.
Awful.
Jane, are you feeling well? I'm fine.
Are you sure? 'cause your work looks like You just vomited onto a piece of paper.
Okay, enough.
Blair, listen.
You can't keep doing this.
You can't keep throwing my work away, making me stay late.
I need to go home and take care of my kids.
Jane, you need to be more like Rhoda-- Lonely, barren, allergic to cats.
This work is her life.
It's all I have.
Quiet.
Besides, Jane, you draw like a drunk gorilla.
This needs to go.
This needs to go.
Excuse me? Excuse me? You need to stop Right now.
You need to stop Right now.
What the--oh, no, you didn't.
What the--oh, no, you didn't.
Are you--are you mock-- are you--are you mock-- What the--huh?! (gasps) what the--huh?! (gasps) I don't quite All right, should we get started? (woman) wonderful.
Well, thank you so much for coming.
And we should all thank Maggie For bringing the Turkey roll-ups.
Right? Aren't they delicious? (woman) Mmm! Now she didn't make 'em herself, But she did get them at Robertson's, Which are almost as good as the ones at Gilbert's.
Oh, I checked Gilbert's.
They were out.
Even the one on Franklin? So I have some exciting news.
My very good close personal friend Rosemary From the band pony (gasps) has agreed to perform at the fund-raiser! Whoo! Oh! I love that commercial! Isn't it great? Right? I-I can't get the song out of my head.
All right, now on to picking a theme.
Does anyone have any ideas? No? Okay, well, I happen to have one.
I call it "a magical night with the creatures of the forest.
" So if we could all turn to page three of our handout.
Excuse me? Is someone interrupting? Yes? Hi.
I'm Gretchen.
I'm new here.
I heard you were looking for a theme, So I whipped up a little something last night.
Okay, well, I think we've already decided.
Someone get the lights, please? Thanks.
So thank you.
Okay.
Now I call my concept (bubbles gurgling) "under the sea.
" (Maggie gasps) (women murmuring) She's blown it wide open.
(chuckles) Okay, thank you, Gretchen.
Okay, thanks.
Thanks.
Lights! You know what, Gretchen? We're not flashy people.
Oh, I forgot to mention one thing about my design.
My friend Eva Parker would love to help us out.
Well, I think we have enough help here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Her friends call her Eva Parker.
You may know her as Eva Longoria Parker.
(women gasping) Ohh! (gasps) oh, my God! Okay Let's refocus here.
(Gretchen) yeah, yeah, we can get her.
Yes.
Yeah, she's a good friend of mine.
I mean, I've known her A few years, but we're really close.
Sure, yep, well Well, we could do ants on a log or And I have her phone number, so (speaks indistinctly) even a PE--a petting zoo? Uh, listen, Blair.
Can I talk to you? (gasps) oh! No! Don't.
Please.
No, about yesterday-- Jane, your mocking words were quite effective.
You showed me what I sounded like.
You held a mirror up to my face, And besides the gorgeous designer glasses, I didn't like what I saw, so thank you.
Anything else? Can I go home early? No problem.
Carry on.
(stapler clicking) Oh.
Oh, God.
Jane, I'm so sorry.
Here.
You can have my stapler.
(stapler clicks) (Emily) no, I totally understand.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Well, now I can't even bring My thrice-baked cookies to the fund-raiser.
Ugh! This Gretchen woman is completely taking control Of the entire event.
Yeah.
I have no idea where I fit in anymore.
(sighs) you know what, Emily? When someone is very Obsessive Mm-hmm? And controlling, just tune 'em out.
That's what I do.
I'm so just upset, you know? Every year, this event is like A new and exciting challenge for me.
Once, I bargained 500 Hawaiian drink umbrellas For a Penny apiece When everyone said it couldn't be done.
That high lasted six months.
(cymbal crashes) Well, I like the idea of a high that lasts for six months.
(sighs) but, um, here.
Let me tell ya something.
Sit down.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, This event isn't about the glitz.
It's not about the glamour.
It's about the children.
It reminds me of that time that pony played farm aid III.
We were there to raise money to buy shoes and clothes For cows and chickens.
Those chickens needed us Just the way these kids Need Emily.
You are absolutely right, Rosemary.
Ha ha! I am gonna pitch in and do it for the kids.
And pony is gonna be there to support you With the universal power of music! Huh?! Am I right, guys?! Yes.
(man) sure.
Right on.
Thank you, Rosemary, for giving me a little perspective.
Hey, are those my scarves? I don't know.
Are they? I don't know.
Are they? (whispers) okay.
Wow.
I didn't expect you home for another hour.
Well, I sort of make my own hours now.
(sighs) how's it going with Annie and that bully? Hmm.
I got this clown.
I've profiled this kid, and now I'm in his head.
I'm gonna go all Dr.
Phil on him.
That's great, Horatio, Because we cannot let this bully get away with it, Even though you can sort of understand The need to control an out of control world The power, getting to spend more time with your family, Getting what you want when you want it.
(cheering) (gasps) (coos and laughs) No baby this time.
Just you and me.
You know the person you hurt most with your bullying? It's you, bro.
The bully.
You may not see this right now, But you're chasing everybody away.
Yeah.
I do feel like none of these people like me.
(sighs) It's okay to cry, bro.
You and I-- we're connecting.
Tell me about your home life.
Well, we don't have much.
Any time I see food, I just wanna horde it.
Classic starvation behavior.
And when I called you fatso, I was just jealous because of all the food you have to eat.
Yeah, well, you know, it's not that much.
But anyway, listen Take this $20.
No one has to know where it came from.
Just go buy some food.
You ever get hungry again, come see me, okay? All right.
Hey, be nice to them kids, huh? Hey, you're not hungry! This is cashmere, turdface.
(laughs) Okay, ladies, now when the kelp curtain opens, We're gonna have to clear this area.
Connie? Eva's gonna be lowered onto the enormous clamshell.
Connie, could you move? Connie? (chuckles) I mean, what's going on there? Hi, Gretchen.
Oh, hi! Hi.
So I'm here to help, at your service.
Anything I can do To help make this fund-raiser great for the kids.
You know, decorations, I could bedazzle the clamshell-- parking lot duty.
I'm sorry? Perfect.
Oh, but, um, well, unlike you, I-I look terrible in orange.
Oh, I know.
Oh, also as it turns out, Eva said she would do some singing As well as some light stand-up.
Wow! That's great.
Yeah.
It turns out we're the real desperate housewives.
(women laughing) She is gonna be great.
But then I guess There's not gonna be any time left for pony to perform.
So I thought maybe you should be the one to tell her that.
Wait, wait.
No, but we can't just toss them aside at the last minute.
Also, Eva was so excited to perform, she said she would Donate a romantic dinner with her and her husband At the silent auction.
What?! (women gasp) Oh, my God! Okay, I need that dinner.
I'm gonna go call my broker And tell him to just sell everything.
(chuckles) we are gonna raise the roof up in here! Whoo! (women laugh) Literally.
We're gonna generate so much money With this fund-raiser, We're gonna put in a second story.
So you'll tell Rosemary then? Great.
Connie? I--wait, but Hey, Emily.
Me and the band just came by to check out the venue.
Could I talk to you for a second? Oh, wow.
This is gonna be even bigger than we thought! Oh, my God, I just got really nervous.
Okay, well, it seems that, um, Eva Parker-- Uh, sorry.
Eva Longoria Parker-- Well, she's gonna do some songs and some light stand-up.
Eva Longoria Parker is opening for us?! (gasps) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (laughs) Rosemary, Gretchen says we don't need pony to perform anymore.
What? Well, Emily, why would you let Gretchen make that decision? I'm sorry.
It's just, it's a fund-raiser, And she donated some dinner to a silent auction.
I don't know.
It's-- You know, it's like you said.
It's for the kids, right? Do you know what we gave up to be here? Iceman canceled a conference in Maui.
Maverick--up all night trying to catch a bat.
And goose bought shoes.
I look like a lawyer! He looks like a lawyer, Emily! (whispers) I'm sorry.
That's it.
We are out of here.
Out of here! Rosemary, please! I'm sorry! It's a new me.
I'm home early every night.
And this week, I went to two soccer games, I got a massage and I made somebody wash my car.
It was fantastic.
Oh, how's the fund-raiser? Didn't you hear? Emily backstabbed me.
Goose wants to kill her.
I just want to maim her.
Artistic differences, I guess.
This entire week has just been One big delicious, yummy crap sandwich.
Yeah, I hear ya.
I used to dream about naked women.
Now I'm dreaming about fighting a 10-year-old.
Hi, baby.
So is that bully still picking on you and Horatio? Nope.
I actually followed aunt Rosemary's advice And tuned him out.
Plus, I hid behind this girl with really funny teeth.
It's like he doesn't even notice me anymore.
I'm glad I could be of service to someone.
(imitates explosion) I'll just be next door just in case Nobody needs me.
Honey, I am so impressed With the way you handled that situation.
I'm very proud of Horatio, you left the milk out again! You better get your baby-watching ass Over here right now before I kick it! Oh, my God.
I'm having a bully flashback.
I know.
Me, too.
Oh, I'm--I'm sorry.
I think I slipped into work mode.
Are you talking to people at work like that? It makes me a better mom! Oh.
(sighs) What have I become? You know what else I realized? What? I am a rotten friend.
I feel so awful about Rosemary.
Baby, baby, baby, you're not a rotten friend.
I am.
You are the best friend that I know.
You're the best mother, best lover.
I would make love to you right now In a very passionate but respectful way If we weren't in a preschool.
Oh.
Thanks, babe.
But that doesn't get me out of this stupid vest.
Emily! Emily, you have to come quickly! Gretchen is in the bathroom and she won't come out! It's go time.
Go, babe.
Unlock that stall, Gretchen! No.
I'm never coming out.
It is the worst thing that ever happened.
What? Eva Longoria just canceled.
(gasps) She took another gig.
Gretchen, I'm gonna need you to come on out of that stall.
I'd rather not.
I may have flushed my pants.
Gretchen, I know what Eva Longoria Parker Would mean to this preschool, But we're doing a fund-raiser for our children tonight, And we've got a lot of work to do.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my friend Rosemary And beg her to come back here.
God knows where she is.
(toilet flushes) I'm here and I'm ready to rock.
Oh, Rosemary! Thank God.
I'm so sorry for everything I did.
Queen skinny bones over here threw me off my game.
Now I should've stood up for you.
I should've been the leader that I've always been-- Who I love to be, the Emily who fights For what is good and right and-- mm, yeah.
That was plenty.
Got it.
Listen, everybody thinks I'm the weird mom.
You stay-at-home moms? Totally bonkers.
Goose, come on! We got a gig.
(goose) yeah, I think I found some pants in here.
Guys, listen up.
I would like to apologize.
Oh, that's great.
You are so funny.
No, Blair, seriously.
I'm done with the bullying.
Did you get your hair cut? No, I've been really How come no one will listen to me? Hey, Rhoda? Oh, you've got something on your shirt.
(scoffs) I'm not falling for this.
No, really, you have-- I'm not gonna look down so you can hit me in the face.
Stop it.
I'm tired of this.
Everybody's tired of this.
Ow! ("bossy" playing) not so tough, are you? I'm in charge now.
Give me that.
I hate coffee.
Take that.
Where's Chris? I've always wanted to sit on Chris.
(music stops) it doesn't work for you.
Go change your shirt.
I'm sorry, everybody.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Hi.
I hate to do this, but I have to talk to you about your son.
He's bullying children at the bus stop.
I knew this would happen.
He hasn't been the same since (voice breaks) since his father left.
It's been so hard to raise him on my own.
(whispers) it's (normal voice) so So hard.
(inhales) (singsongy) mom, I'm home! (gasps) (laughs) how ya like me now?! (indistinct conversations) (taps microphone) Hello, little panda preschool! Whoo! Oh! Everything's all right 'cause I'm back in charge.
Okay? She's back! Wonderful! So I wanna thank all of you for coming tonight.
And I especially wanna thank my dear friend Rosemary For understanding and accepting me For the complex-- (rosemary) get off the stage! Emily, we got it.
Okay.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, Put your hands together, everyone, for pony! Whoo! (cheering) yeah! Good morning, little panda! Are you ready to rock?! This first song's for the children.
Let's kill this, panda! One, two, three, four! (playing punk music) Aah! (cheering) Is that skirt made of toilet seat covers? It's gorgeous! if you're a girl or a man or in the back of a van I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
We all think it turned out really great, A true collaboration.
If I saw this on a turnpike, I'd stop here even if I didn't have to pee.
(laughs) (woman) I love it.
(man) yeah, it's very, very nice.
So would I.
(woman) so neat.
Well, this This is awful.
Yeah, it, uh, it really sucks, Jane.
(man) I've been saying that all along.
(woman) oh, God! Ugh! (man) it's terrible.
(woman) really bad.
Blair, you told us to take it in this direction.
Well, now I'm gonna tell you to take it in a new direction-- The trash can.
(inhales deeply) (exhales deeply) Jane, it's the third time you've been late this week, you know? I mean, I'm just a Manny.
I'm not a machine.
Although, it would be pretty cool if I was a machine.
I'm sorry, Horatio.
My boss is on a real tear lately.
And my coworkers just (loudly) sold me out! (normal voice) please tell Annie I'm sorry I didn't make it To her soccer game again.
Oh, and try to keep the baby awake So I can tell her a bedtime story.
What, are you kidding?! No.
First slow eyeblink, she's hitting the sack.
She's little, but she fights dirty--spitting and cooing.
Oh, thanks for making it sound so horrible, Horatio.
It almost makes staying at work bearable.
(whispers) gotta go.
(sighs) I feel better.
(child giggles) (doorbell rings) Hey! It's my sister (chuckles) And her kids.
And her Manny.
Okay.
Horatio! I haven't been to the market all week.
You don't mind if we eat here, right? Not at all.
I always have a hot meal ready For a working mom who can't get it together for her kids.
It's my duty as a stay-at-home.
Hey, you--you know what, Horatio? You should come on out and kick it with me by the grill, man.
Ah, I got a raspberry hefeweizen.
That sounds great.
You have any beer? (Jason) yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, ems.
Hey! We're here to mooch.
The more the merrier.
It'll be fun splitting Four pieces of origami sea bass eight ways.
Oh, we'll make a game of it.
So mom taught me how to drive today.
Yeah, just the basics-- "t.
J.
Hooker" hood slide And "the Dukes of Hazzard" driver's side window entry.
Oh, I didn't realize that tonight was The drinking contest.
What is going on with you? Ah, work is terrible, and I'm worried about Annie.
Apparently, there is a bully at the bus stop Terrorizing all the kids.
Is he making fun of her little boobies? No, she's 11.
It's awful.
I was bullied when I was that age, too.
Did they make fun of your little boobies? Okay, get off that.
Hey, mom, they're playing your commercial again.
(woman) if you're a girl or a man or in the back of a van I'm gonna call-all-all your brains out That song you made back in the day Just made us $7 today.
Ca-Ching! Oh! And they only had to change one word.
(laughs) I can't believe that my friend was the lead singer of pony.
We were a seminal punk rock band-- From March '84 to Late July '84.
Okay.
Yeah.
It was hardcore.
You know, every time I hear that song, It reminds me of the backseat Of my high school boyfriend's hatchback.
You're welcome.
(laughs) and the front seat.
And one time on the hood.
Wow.
Okay.
You know, Rosemary, Is it hard for you to hear your punk rock anthem Be turned into a phone commercial? I'm an artist, And I just felt artistically Mm-hmm.
That I would like to make a ton of money.
So, nope, wasn't that hard.
Okay, I'm gonna ask you something crazy.
Is there any way you would consider performing with pony At the event I'm planning? The other ladies on the committee would freak.
Performing? (chuckles) I don't know.
Oh, it's been a long time.
Yeah.
I mean, I'd have to get the band back together Sure.
And a lot of those guys have no self-esteem anymore Or phones.
What's the event? It's a preschool fund-raiser.
(laughs) (laughs) did you .
Did you just ask me To perform with pony at a preschool fund-raiser? Is that what just happened? Okay, I didn't realize it was such a great opportunity! Hells, yeah! Yeah! Whoo! Rock 'n' roll! Pony! Ahh pony (all singing indistinctly) You guys really don't have to do this.
Honey, we're here to help.
Oh, I guarantee you're just gonna make it worse.
(boy) what is that stink, Perkins? Did you step in it or just eat it for breakfast? Look at that bully taking on kids twice his size Like it's nothing.
Thank your mom when you see her, 'cause these jicama sticks Just saved you from getting your ass kicked.
(vehicle approaching) Ah, if it isn't goofus.
What, now you have a little entourage? I have never seen these people before in my life.
Hey, that's her lunch.
I don't know who packs her lunch, But they're always nasty.
I got it.
(clears throat) Listen, bro, you seem cool-- Nice baby.
Did it come out of your butt? No.
Hey, you have to realize What you're doing here hurts people.
That's the point, fatso.
What'd you call me? What'd you call me? Stop it.
Stop it.
I mean it! Cut it out! I mean it! Cut it out! I'm an idiot! Nice to know.
Ooh.
Wow.
He's good.
(laughs) Sucks.
Bad.
Worse.
Awful.
Jane, are you feeling well? I'm fine.
Are you sure? 'cause your work looks like You just vomited onto a piece of paper.
Okay, enough.
Blair, listen.
You can't keep doing this.
You can't keep throwing my work away, making me stay late.
I need to go home and take care of my kids.
Jane, you need to be more like Rhoda-- Lonely, barren, allergic to cats.
This work is her life.
It's all I have.
Quiet.
Besides, Jane, you draw like a drunk gorilla.
This needs to go.
This needs to go.
Excuse me? Excuse me? You need to stop Right now.
You need to stop Right now.
What the--oh, no, you didn't.
What the--oh, no, you didn't.
Are you--are you mock-- are you--are you mock-- What the--huh?! (gasps) what the--huh?! (gasps) I don't quite All right, should we get started? (woman) wonderful.
Well, thank you so much for coming.
And we should all thank Maggie For bringing the Turkey roll-ups.
Right? Aren't they delicious? (woman) Mmm! Now she didn't make 'em herself, But she did get them at Robertson's, Which are almost as good as the ones at Gilbert's.
Oh, I checked Gilbert's.
They were out.
Even the one on Franklin? So I have some exciting news.
My very good close personal friend Rosemary From the band pony (gasps) has agreed to perform at the fund-raiser! Whoo! Oh! I love that commercial! Isn't it great? Right? I-I can't get the song out of my head.
All right, now on to picking a theme.
Does anyone have any ideas? No? Okay, well, I happen to have one.
I call it "a magical night with the creatures of the forest.
" So if we could all turn to page three of our handout.
Excuse me? Is someone interrupting? Yes? Hi.
I'm Gretchen.
I'm new here.
I heard you were looking for a theme, So I whipped up a little something last night.
Okay, well, I think we've already decided.
Someone get the lights, please? Thanks.
So thank you.
Okay.
Now I call my concept (bubbles gurgling) "under the sea.
" (Maggie gasps) (women murmuring) She's blown it wide open.
(chuckles) Okay, thank you, Gretchen.
Okay, thanks.
Thanks.
Lights! You know what, Gretchen? We're not flashy people.
Oh, I forgot to mention one thing about my design.
My friend Eva Parker would love to help us out.
Well, I think we have enough help here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Her friends call her Eva Parker.
You may know her as Eva Longoria Parker.
(women gasping) Ohh! (gasps) oh, my God! Okay Let's refocus here.
(Gretchen) yeah, yeah, we can get her.
Yes.
Yeah, she's a good friend of mine.
I mean, I've known her A few years, but we're really close.
Sure, yep, well Well, we could do ants on a log or And I have her phone number, so (speaks indistinctly) even a PE--a petting zoo? Uh, listen, Blair.
Can I talk to you? (gasps) oh! No! Don't.
Please.
No, about yesterday-- Jane, your mocking words were quite effective.
You showed me what I sounded like.
You held a mirror up to my face, And besides the gorgeous designer glasses, I didn't like what I saw, so thank you.
Anything else? Can I go home early? No problem.
Carry on.
(stapler clicking) Oh.
Oh, God.
Jane, I'm so sorry.
Here.
You can have my stapler.
(stapler clicks) (Emily) no, I totally understand.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Well, now I can't even bring My thrice-baked cookies to the fund-raiser.
Ugh! This Gretchen woman is completely taking control Of the entire event.
Yeah.
I have no idea where I fit in anymore.
(sighs) you know what, Emily? When someone is very Obsessive Mm-hmm? And controlling, just tune 'em out.
That's what I do.
I'm so just upset, you know? Every year, this event is like A new and exciting challenge for me.
Once, I bargained 500 Hawaiian drink umbrellas For a Penny apiece When everyone said it couldn't be done.
That high lasted six months.
(cymbal crashes) Well, I like the idea of a high that lasts for six months.
(sighs) but, um, here.
Let me tell ya something.
Sit down.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, This event isn't about the glitz.
It's not about the glamour.
It's about the children.
It reminds me of that time that pony played farm aid III.
We were there to raise money to buy shoes and clothes For cows and chickens.
Those chickens needed us Just the way these kids Need Emily.
You are absolutely right, Rosemary.
Ha ha! I am gonna pitch in and do it for the kids.
And pony is gonna be there to support you With the universal power of music! Huh?! Am I right, guys?! Yes.
(man) sure.
Right on.
Thank you, Rosemary, for giving me a little perspective.
Hey, are those my scarves? I don't know.
Are they? I don't know.
Are they? (whispers) okay.
Wow.
I didn't expect you home for another hour.
Well, I sort of make my own hours now.
(sighs) how's it going with Annie and that bully? Hmm.
I got this clown.
I've profiled this kid, and now I'm in his head.
I'm gonna go all Dr.
Phil on him.
That's great, Horatio, Because we cannot let this bully get away with it, Even though you can sort of understand The need to control an out of control world The power, getting to spend more time with your family, Getting what you want when you want it.
(cheering) (gasps) (coos and laughs) No baby this time.
Just you and me.
You know the person you hurt most with your bullying? It's you, bro.
The bully.
You may not see this right now, But you're chasing everybody away.
Yeah.
I do feel like none of these people like me.
(sighs) It's okay to cry, bro.
You and I-- we're connecting.
Tell me about your home life.
Well, we don't have much.
Any time I see food, I just wanna horde it.
Classic starvation behavior.
And when I called you fatso, I was just jealous because of all the food you have to eat.
Yeah, well, you know, it's not that much.
But anyway, listen Take this $20.
No one has to know where it came from.
Just go buy some food.
You ever get hungry again, come see me, okay? All right.
Hey, be nice to them kids, huh? Hey, you're not hungry! This is cashmere, turdface.
(laughs) Okay, ladies, now when the kelp curtain opens, We're gonna have to clear this area.
Connie? Eva's gonna be lowered onto the enormous clamshell.
Connie, could you move? Connie? (chuckles) I mean, what's going on there? Hi, Gretchen.
Oh, hi! Hi.
So I'm here to help, at your service.
Anything I can do To help make this fund-raiser great for the kids.
You know, decorations, I could bedazzle the clamshell-- parking lot duty.
I'm sorry? Perfect.
Oh, but, um, well, unlike you, I-I look terrible in orange.
Oh, I know.
Oh, also as it turns out, Eva said she would do some singing As well as some light stand-up.
Wow! That's great.
Yeah.
It turns out we're the real desperate housewives.
(women laughing) She is gonna be great.
But then I guess There's not gonna be any time left for pony to perform.
So I thought maybe you should be the one to tell her that.
Wait, wait.
No, but we can't just toss them aside at the last minute.
Also, Eva was so excited to perform, she said she would Donate a romantic dinner with her and her husband At the silent auction.
What?! (women gasp) Oh, my God! Okay, I need that dinner.
I'm gonna go call my broker And tell him to just sell everything.
(chuckles) we are gonna raise the roof up in here! Whoo! (women laugh) Literally.
We're gonna generate so much money With this fund-raiser, We're gonna put in a second story.
So you'll tell Rosemary then? Great.
Connie? I--wait, but Hey, Emily.
Me and the band just came by to check out the venue.
Could I talk to you for a second? Oh, wow.
This is gonna be even bigger than we thought! Oh, my God, I just got really nervous.
Okay, well, it seems that, um, Eva Parker-- Uh, sorry.
Eva Longoria Parker-- Well, she's gonna do some songs and some light stand-up.
Eva Longoria Parker is opening for us?! (gasps) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (laughs) Rosemary, Gretchen says we don't need pony to perform anymore.
What? Well, Emily, why would you let Gretchen make that decision? I'm sorry.
It's just, it's a fund-raiser, And she donated some dinner to a silent auction.
I don't know.
It's-- You know, it's like you said.
It's for the kids, right? Do you know what we gave up to be here? Iceman canceled a conference in Maui.
Maverick--up all night trying to catch a bat.
And goose bought shoes.
I look like a lawyer! He looks like a lawyer, Emily! (whispers) I'm sorry.
That's it.
We are out of here.
Out of here! Rosemary, please! I'm sorry! It's a new me.
I'm home early every night.
And this week, I went to two soccer games, I got a massage and I made somebody wash my car.
It was fantastic.
Oh, how's the fund-raiser? Didn't you hear? Emily backstabbed me.
Goose wants to kill her.
I just want to maim her.
Artistic differences, I guess.
This entire week has just been One big delicious, yummy crap sandwich.
Yeah, I hear ya.
I used to dream about naked women.
Now I'm dreaming about fighting a 10-year-old.
Hi, baby.
So is that bully still picking on you and Horatio? Nope.
I actually followed aunt Rosemary's advice And tuned him out.
Plus, I hid behind this girl with really funny teeth.
It's like he doesn't even notice me anymore.
I'm glad I could be of service to someone.
(imitates explosion) I'll just be next door just in case Nobody needs me.
Honey, I am so impressed With the way you handled that situation.
I'm very proud of Horatio, you left the milk out again! You better get your baby-watching ass Over here right now before I kick it! Oh, my God.
I'm having a bully flashback.
I know.
Me, too.
Oh, I'm--I'm sorry.
I think I slipped into work mode.
Are you talking to people at work like that? It makes me a better mom! Oh.
(sighs) What have I become? You know what else I realized? What? I am a rotten friend.
I feel so awful about Rosemary.
Baby, baby, baby, you're not a rotten friend.
I am.
You are the best friend that I know.
You're the best mother, best lover.
I would make love to you right now In a very passionate but respectful way If we weren't in a preschool.
Oh.
Thanks, babe.
But that doesn't get me out of this stupid vest.
Emily! Emily, you have to come quickly! Gretchen is in the bathroom and she won't come out! It's go time.
Go, babe.
Unlock that stall, Gretchen! No.
I'm never coming out.
It is the worst thing that ever happened.
What? Eva Longoria just canceled.
(gasps) She took another gig.
Gretchen, I'm gonna need you to come on out of that stall.
I'd rather not.
I may have flushed my pants.
Gretchen, I know what Eva Longoria Parker Would mean to this preschool, But we're doing a fund-raiser for our children tonight, And we've got a lot of work to do.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my friend Rosemary And beg her to come back here.
God knows where she is.
(toilet flushes) I'm here and I'm ready to rock.
Oh, Rosemary! Thank God.
I'm so sorry for everything I did.
Queen skinny bones over here threw me off my game.
Now I should've stood up for you.
I should've been the leader that I've always been-- Who I love to be, the Emily who fights For what is good and right and-- mm, yeah.
That was plenty.
Got it.
Listen, everybody thinks I'm the weird mom.
You stay-at-home moms? Totally bonkers.
Goose, come on! We got a gig.
(goose) yeah, I think I found some pants in here.
Guys, listen up.
I would like to apologize.
Oh, that's great.
You are so funny.
No, Blair, seriously.
I'm done with the bullying.
Did you get your hair cut? No, I've been really How come no one will listen to me? Hey, Rhoda? Oh, you've got something on your shirt.
(scoffs) I'm not falling for this.
No, really, you have-- I'm not gonna look down so you can hit me in the face.
Stop it.
I'm tired of this.
Everybody's tired of this.
Ow! ("bossy" playing) not so tough, are you? I'm in charge now.
Give me that.
I hate coffee.
Take that.
Where's Chris? I've always wanted to sit on Chris.
(music stops) it doesn't work for you.
Go change your shirt.
I'm sorry, everybody.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Hi.
I hate to do this, but I have to talk to you about your son.
He's bullying children at the bus stop.
I knew this would happen.
He hasn't been the same since (voice breaks) since his father left.
It's been so hard to raise him on my own.
(whispers) it's (normal voice) so So hard.
(inhales) (singsongy) mom, I'm home! (gasps) (laughs) how ya like me now?! (indistinct conversations) (taps microphone) Hello, little panda preschool! Whoo! Oh! Everything's all right 'cause I'm back in charge.
Okay? She's back! Wonderful! So I wanna thank all of you for coming tonight.
And I especially wanna thank my dear friend Rosemary For understanding and accepting me For the complex-- (rosemary) get off the stage! Emily, we got it.
Okay.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, Put your hands together, everyone, for pony! Whoo! (cheering) yeah! Good morning, little panda! Are you ready to rock?! This first song's for the children.
Let's kill this, panda! One, two, three, four! (playing punk music) Aah! (cheering) Is that skirt made of toilet seat covers? It's gorgeous! if you're a girl or a man or in the back of a van I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna