Insatiable (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
Miss Bareback Buckaroo
1 [pop music playing.]
[Patty.]
I knew skinny was magic, but now, none of my bras fit.
The new Patty was more powerful, but with much smaller boobs.
Bob says nothing says confidence like a good push-up bra.
- What do you think about this one? - Mmm.
This one? I don't know.
I feel like I'd have to see it on.
I just wanna look my best this weekend.
I still don't understand why Bob's taking you all the way to a pageant in Alabama if you're not even competing.
'Cause, he's gonna show me how real pageant girls act.
How they walk, how they talk, how they smile.
His coaching mentor is the director, so she's giving us VIP access.
Are you really into all this beauty pageant stuff, or are you just into Bob? Both.
And now that I'm getting him away from his wife for the weekend, I'm gonna show him that I am his soul mate too.
We're perfect partners.
We're gonna win Miss Magic Jesus, and Regionals, and Miss American Lady, and then I'll be famous, and everyone else can S a big fat D.
Oh, leopard! - Do you think he'll like this one? - Hold up.
What do you think is going to happen on this trip? This weekend is going to be fun, fun, fun.
Baby, baby, baby [Bob.]
This weekend is gonna be work, work, work.
Why is seeing your pageant coaching mentor suddenly such a goddamned emergency? Miss Magic Jesus is in just a couple of weeks, and I need the extra help.
Well, so do I! My dinner party is tonight, and all the Junior League ladies are bringing their husbands, and you're leaving me alone like some divorceé.
I thought we were partners.
We are.
I cooked, I cleaned, IÂ tszujed, everything looks great! You know what doesn't look great? You, taking a minor across state lines.
That looks a lot like kidnapping.
Don't be dramatic.
Well, you're the one acting like it's life or death.
Because it is! - Why? - Because Patty is out of control! What do you mean? [Bob.]
She nearly lit a man on fire.
She's just a little willful, impulsive.
Impetuous.
Bob, she's a teenage girl, they're all insane and you know this.
No, Patty is different! - How? - Because she is my only coaching client.
And you know that is the most important thing in my life.
- Mm-hmm.
- Other than you.
Mm-hmm.
Patty actually reminds me a lot of you when I first met you.
Bite your tongue.
She has the same kind of fire.
And if I could just harness it, I think she could take us both all the way to Miss American Lady.
I just have to get her under control.
[sighs.]
Stella Rose, she taught me everything I know.
She will know what to do.
[doorbell rings.]
Would it really be so bad for you to have to give up coaching? Oh, would it really be so bad if you didn't get into the Junior League? [knocking at door.]
Patty.
What are you doing here? I said I was gonna pick you up.
Well, I was running early, so I figured I'd save you the trip.
- See what I mean? Willful.
- I can see the emergency.
Meet me in the driveway, I'll pull the car around.
It's okay, I'll go in from the garage.
- Patty, please.
- I'm sorry.
[rock music plays over radio.]
[Bob.]
Coralee was wrong.
This was an emergency.
If Stella Rose couldn't help me control Patty's fire, she could burn us both to the ground.
Potato chip? No, thanks.
Once I start on those, I can't stop.
What the hell is all this crap? Snacks.
Road trip calories don't count.
What? Of course they do! Will you put that away? You're in a mood.
Is it Coralee? Every time I come around, she gets tense.
I wouldn't take it personally.
I think you just remind her a lot of herself when she was that age.
But why are you trying to change me? Don't you like me the way I am? I love you.
You are beautiful, and fierce, sophisticated.
I just want you to wear all that on the outside too.
- Mm-mm.
- Mmm.
- Mm-mm.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
[Patty.]
Do I remind you of your wife? Actually, you remind me more of myself.
[Patty.]
See? Soul mates.
I um I made us a playlist for the road.
- ["Sexual" playing.]
- You got that thing That I've been looking for Been running around for so long Now I got you I won't let you go You got that thing That I've been looking for And you've got a heart full of gold And that's really turning me on You are, you are You are, you are You are Everything that I dreamed of You know, usually I'm partial to the classics.
Britney.
Christina.
But I do like this.
Yes Just say you feel the way that I feel I'm feeling sexual - So we should be sexual - [turns off stereo.]
[horse whinnies.]
[Patty.]
I was finally at a real pageant.
And with no one else around, I would have Bob's full attention.
How do I look? How's my hair? You look great.
Are you okay? You seem nervous.
Nervous? No.
I, uh I just haven't seen Stella Rose in almost 20 years and she is a bit of a harsh critic.
She's even more direct than I am.
I didn't think that was possible.
Oh, trust me, she's a legend.
Before she started directing, she coached three Miss USAs, one Miss American Lady Oh, my God, she's here.
[gasps.]
Well! Look what the horse drug in.
[Stella Rose.]
You look like something the cat dragged in.
I'm sorry.
My stylist used too much product.
- Nobody cares about your sob story.
- Hey, hey.
- [sobs.]
- Oh, it's not that bad.
Look, no.
You just need a little [humming.]
[gasps.]
And there.
No more tears.
Impressive.
You got a daughter in the pageant? Oh, no, I'm here for a conference.
I'm a lawyer.
What's a lawyer know about fixing hair? A trial is the biggest pageant there is.
I gotta make sure my clients pass muster before a jury.
You've got a gift for style.
Ever thought about making money at it? [sighs.]
I did, but my wife put the kibosh on it.
The night before I was scheduled to take the bar, I got offered a sales management position at Bergdorf Goodman.
But she wouldn't let me take it.
Said it wouldn't give us the lifestyle that she wanted.
That's tragic.
You are literally the only person that thinks that, besides me.
Well, you clearly have a calling.
I don't know if you're a good lawyer, but you'd make a hell of a pageant coach.
Pageant coaching? That's a thing? It sure is.
And you can make a pretty penny at it too.
I mean, if you need that as a way to sell the idea to your wife.
Oh, I wouldn't know where to start.
Well, honey, that's where I come in.
I've got more clients than I can handle.
And I'm looking for a partner.
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet my first protégé, Bob Armstrong.
Bob, I'd like you to meet my Bareback Buckaroos.
You are looking well.
And I see you're still wearing that rug on your head.
- What rug? - Patty, I would like you to meet Miss Stella Rose Buckley, my pageant mentor, and the director of Miss Bareback Buckaroo.
Stella Rose, meet my star client, Patricia Bladell.
Hmm.
Well, I never would've known she was a heifer, except for these.
I'm guessing you're what? Like a Double D? Oh, uh, hey, sorry.
She has aggression problems.
- That's kind of how we met.
- It's okay.
I like 'em feisty.
- Plus, she's a stunner.
- Wait, you approve? You're lucky I quit coaching, Bob.
Otherwise, I might try to take her for myself.
Patty, I want you to meet Roxy.
She's gonna be your tour guide through Miss Bareback Buckaroo.
Oh, my God! This is gonna be so much fun.
You're a pageant virgin? - Yeah.
- Roxy.
Why don't you take Patty back to the hotel and get her all settled.
The grown-ups need to have a chat.
Oh.
Uh Go on.
We'll catch up later.
[approaching footsteps.]
Choi, I need to borrow your car.
It's an emergency.
Uh-huh, totally.
Are you even listening to me? Eww.
You're sexting? No! It's Teen Roulette.
It's an app for meeting people, from the waist down.
So you don't get hung up on superficial things like faces.
I found a girl within a one mile radius - who wants to hook up - Please stop talking.
Did you say something about borrowing my car? - Yeah, I need to go Alabama to save Patty.
- [door jingles.]
I tried calling her mom, but she's in rehab, so What's wrong with Patty? Her alleged child molester, lawyer, slash, beauty pageant coach is taking her across state lines.
I'm scared something bad's gonna happen.
- Long story.
- You can tell me on the way.
To Alabama? Why would you come? 'Cause I've never been to Alabama.
Or anywhere outside of Georgia.
Plus, maybe if I come to Patty's rescue, she'll actually let me feel her boobs.
[Nonnie scoffs.]
Let's get one thing straight.
If anyone's rescuing Patty, it's me.
- I'm the one who's gonna - Feel her boobs? I was gonna say be her knight in shining armor.
I get off in half an hour.
- I'll meet you outside.
- Okay.
Okay.
So the headlines are, you used to be fat and your coach is a diddler? - Alleged diddler.
- That's so badass.
Compared to yours, my story sucks.
I got bullied, my mom wanted me to have more self-confidence, so I tried modeling, but the girls were dumb, so I got into pageanting.
Wait.
You were bullied too? Well, not anymore.
Stella Rose is all about sisterhood.
Oh.
- What? You don't like Stella Rose? - No, I don't know anything about her.
Just that my coach is obsessed with her and he should be paying attention to me.
Oh, you have a crush on him.
What? No, no, I don't.
You know, I have some butt-tape in my purse.
When we get up to the room, we'll tape your boobs together, make 'em look extra perky.
That'll get his attention for sure.
- Ladies.
- Thank you.
- Ma'am.
- Thank you.
Sorry, you said butt-tape? [door jingles.]
Wait up, losers.
- I'm coming with you.
- [scoffs.]
No, you're not.
I am too.
I'm gonna get photos of that child molester in action.
You're not the only one who wants to take him down.
Dixie, please.
You know you made that whole molestation thing up.
I did not.
My mom did! I mean, my mom She knows that it really happened.
And even if it didn't, he still might do something else.
Wait, if Bob's innocent, why are we going to Alabama? 'Cause I'm not worried about what Bob's going to do, I'm worried about Patty.
She has a crush on him.
And when she has a crush, she can get kind of crazy.
If he gets to feel her boobs, I'm gonna be so pissed.
[Nonnie scoffs.]
We're taking my car.
Come on, bitches! She's referring to you when she says "bitches," by the way.
["Get It Down Low" playing over stereo.]
I'm fly G6, she let me jump on the beat Like a remix C-A my n-word Califor-ni-a my n-word LA to the Bay my n-word Click-clack, what you gotta say My n-word [Bob.]
Hey, thanks for seeing me.
I wasn't sure you would after how things went down.
Oh, it's ancient history.
Besides, I figured you were desperate or else you wouldn't have called me.
I'm not, I'm not desperate.
- Like hell you're not.
- Okay, I am desperate.
For redemption, and Patty is my last chance.
But she's also the best chance I've ever had.
- Still the drama queen.
- Oh, come on.
Stella Rose.
She just won't listen.
And I'm afraid if I can't control her, she's just gonna go off the rails in a way that I'll never get her back.
Can you just tell me what I'm doing wrong? Please? Well, I'll need to watch you coach her.
[ringing, vibrating.]
- Hey, Nonnie.
- Hey! How's it going over there? Dicey.
Bob's totally blowing me off.
- That sucks.
- But Roxy gave me butt-tape for my boobs, - and I'm - [phone beeps.]
- Wait, who's Roxy, and what's butt-tape? - Oh, crap.
I gotta go.
Uh, I'll talk to you later.
Do you know what butt-tape is? Yeah.
You use it to tape your clothes to your butt.
Obviously.
Why on earth would anybody wanna tape their clothes to their butt? So your shorts don't ride up.
Duh! It's a pageant thing.
Looks like Patty made a new friend, who understands pageant stuff.
That's good.
Right? Drive faster! [Coralee.]
Bob's arrangement was impeccable but it wasn't enough.
For the Junior League ladies to accept me, everything had to be perfect.
Without Bob, I was missing my most important accessory.
[car doors slam.]
Unless he came back.
Surprise! Brandi Lynne.
- Give your sister some sugar! - Oh, God.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- I figured we were due for a visit.
I haven't seen you since Cousin Delilah decided to get re-virginized, which was what, - three years ago? - Well, you should have called first, because I have a dozen people coming over here for dinner, no kids allowed.
And no embarrassing family members.
- Well, I mean - Let's go, kids.
Your fancy pants auntie's being a first class bitch.
[starter struggling.]
[Coralee.]
Drive safe now, and enjoy that open road.
Lord This has been happening a lot lately.
It just won't start.
No, no, no.
But if you stay, then I'll have to cancel my dinner.
Hunker down, kids.
- Looks like we're staying for a spell.
- No, no, no.
[phone rings.]
[Bob.]
I needed to stay focused.
I was about to coach before the coach of coaches.
It wasn't just about what Stella Rose thought of Patty, it was about what she thought of me.
Where's your client? Well, she's late.
I told you she doesn't follow directions.
You better hope she's not looking for a new coach.
What What? Why would you even say that? Because if I were her, I'd want someone who didn't need any extra help.
It makes you look like you're in over your head.
Hello, I am! That is why I'm here.
- Hi, sorry I'm late.
- Oh, my God.
What happened to you? Roxy taped me up.
She said it would maximize my assets.
Oh, they are most definitely maximized.
I said skinny is magic, not skanky is magic.
You don't need to shame her, Bob.
[tsking.]
C'mon, honey, let's work on that walk.
Oh, she is not ready for the walk.
Stella Rose thinks I am.
Stella Rose is not your coach.
I am.
- But you said she was a legend.
- [scoffs.]
Look.
I thought maybe you'd just watch, yeah? Let me do the coaching.
- I need to see what she can do, right? - [sighs.]
Fine.
You think you can do the walk, do it.
This is not gonna be pretty.
Okay, stop stop! You look like a yeti trying to escape a Nat Geo photographer.
I think it's better if I show you myself.
[sputters, clears throat.]
Sorry.
I've just never seen heels that big.
Not to brag, but I am a ladies size 14.
Okay now, watch and learn.
["Miss America" instrumental opening plays.]
- No, no! - [record scratch.]
You're still forgetting to squeeze the cheeks and thrust Hey! Boundaries.
- I'm helping you, Bob.
- You are groping me.
Anyone's gonna get groped, it's gonna be me.
I thought I was the one being coached, not you.
This is a waste of time.
- Can I talk to you outside, Bob? - Yup.
I can see your problem.
Patty doesn't respect you.
Well, if that is true, you are not helping.
She knows you're vulnerable, Bob.
She can smell your desperation like that cheap cologne you were wearing when I met you.
That was Paco Rabanne Invictus.
That's $40 for the travel size.
I'm right and you know it.
Well, what do you suggest I do about it? She's a wild Mustang.
Break her.
You've gotta jump on her and wrap your fist in her mane and ride her like the devil and put her up foamy - and wet - Okay, yep.
I get it.
And I'll dangle the carrot.
- Show her it's all worth it.
- You mean like good cop, bad cop? Mama always did know best.
You need to move all these make-up caboodles to the dressing area.
Two at a time, one in each hand.
I thought we were gonna watch rehearsal.
No, you need to learn to follow directions first.
[scoffs.]
Why? I'm great at following directions.
Patty! In the week since I've been your coach, you have almost lit a man on fire, got alcohol poisoning, and stolen evidence from a police locker.
That might be indicative of a behavior problem.
Anybody could have an off week.
Do as I say, or we're gonna have a problem.
All right, find me when you're done.
Hey.
Why aren't you at rehearsal? Mmm.
I got stuck on the phone with my BF, but it's cool, so Rose and I are tight, she'll give me a pass.
What are you doing? Oh, Bob said I have to move these.
Well, here, let me help ya.
And then, you can watch rehearsal.
That's why you came, right? Why are you being so nice to me? This is what we do.
A queen always helps another queen fix her crown.
C'mon.
[guitar music playing.]
Just show me the last three beats.
Come on, this is the big time.
Sparkle! - All done.
- Already? How? I had a little help.
That's what pageants are about, right? Sisterhood? That is not how I told you to do it.
Go back and do it the right way.
Oh, come on Bob.
Don't be such a hard ass, this is supposed to be fun.
Good cop! [Bob.]
Being bad cop was one thing, but Stella Rose making me look incompetent was another thing altogether.
Fine.
You came here for a pageant, let's get you on stage.
Hold it still.
They've gotta light the horse for the opening ceremonies.
I'm going to fall off.
There's no saddle! That's why it's called Bareback Buckaroo.
No, it's not.
[horse whinnies.]
He can sense your fear, darling.
 Relax.
Squeeze your thighs together and thrust your hips forward.
[horse snorts, whinnies.]
Oh, God.
Oh, God! - [girls gasp.]
- [Patty groans.]
[manure plopping.]
Oh, shit.
[horse snorts.]
- Can we leave? - No.
Seriously? You're gonna make her clean it? That's disgusting! Go on.
It's not gonna wipe itself.
What does poop have to do with pageants? - Yeah.
- Mind your own business.
You follow directions.
Do as I say.
[Patty clears throat.]
Not like that.
A lady never gets down on her knees.
Don't! I do this on my kitchen floors, and I defy you to look at them without sunglasses.
- Who's pooping in your kitchen? - Hey.
I'll be back in a little while.
Stella, keep an eye on her.
[Bob.]
Something didn't smell right, and it wasn't the horse shit.
I had to know.
If Stella Rose wasn't helping, what was she up to? Oh, holy God.
I'm in the shower for 15 minutes, and you turn my front lawn into a water park? Come on, Coralee.
You keep clenching that tight, you're gonna pull something.
Okay, I called the mechanic and it's triple time to do house calls on the weekend, - so we have to wait till Monday.
- Great! We can spend more time together.
Doing what? Baby pool mud wrestling? Let's go.
Last time I promised you double or nothing.
No! There is a reason I left that trailer park.
Because you think you're better than us, you always have.
Everybody else might believe that swanky MILF act, but not me.
- Alright.
Are you done? - [Barnard.]
Hey, Coralee! Oh, shit.
Well, well, well.
- What have we here? - Shut your pie hole, Brandi Lynne.
Bob, hi! What are you doing here? Well, Etta Mae felt awful about you coming down with a cold and having to cancel your dinner.
So she asked me to drop off some of her world-famous shepherd's pie.
That is just so thoughtful of both y'all.
- And, uh, who might this be? - Uh a charity case.
We adopted a family from the trailer park, and they were supposed to come next weekend.
But her brain is so fried from all the meth that she got the dates wrong.
- She's lying.
I'm her - [Coralee.]
She also had a stroke, so most of what she says doesn't make any sense at all.
And now her trailer is on the fritz.
So it looks like she and her crack babies are gonna be with us for a while.
- Well, Bob can't fix it? - He's outta town.
The only time Bob's been under a car is when he was hiding from a grizzly.
You want a beer? - Oh, bless her heart.
- Well, listen She's crazy.
I know a little about engines, and I do owe you a favor.
I'm happy to take a look.
That is if you don't mind me peeking under your hood? Peek away.
You know, she doesn't have a hood.
- That's alright, I'm happy to.
- It's okay, you know Oh, all right.
Hey, Stella Rose, we're about to head to the spa, so Is it that time already? My goodness, you've been at that a long time.
Why don't you take a break? Come with us.
The pageant's paying for all the girls to get treatments.
Yeah, c'mon, it'll be fun! I need to finish.
Bob says I need to learn to follow directions.
[Stella Rose.]
Bob needs to learn to back off.
If he's not careful, he's gonna ruin this for you before it even starts.
- He's just looking out for me.
- Bob only looks out for himself.
He's a complete and total narcissist.
- Trust me.
I know.
- Bob's a legend around here, and not in a good way.
- Stella Rose told us the whole story.
- Oh, yeah.
I took him under my wing, taught him everything he knows.
And then, when he thought he had a better deal, he dropped me like a corn dog without a stick.
Mark my words, he will do the same to you.
- He says he believes in me.
- Oh, sure he does! Do you think he'd be this invested in you if he'd met you when you were fat? He's an opportunist.
He found someone vulnerable and took advantage.
Trust me.
He doesn't care about you, but I do.
Us girls gotta look out for each other, right? Dry your tears and you come on to the spa.
[Bob.]
And snap went the trap.
Stella Rose wasn't a good cop.
She was a thief trying to steal my client.
I had to do damage control.
Hey ladies! How's it going? Uh, we're going to the spa, just the girls.
Oh, Patty can't make it.
I made lunch reservations for two.
Um I think I'd like to hang out with the girls tonight.
Oh, you will, tomorrow.
Come on, we don't wanna be late.
[classical piano music plays.]
[Patty.]
I finally had Bob alone, and now, I wasn't sure that I wanted him.
You okay? What would have happened if you met me while I was fat? I'm gonna tell you the truth, because I want you to trust me.
I would've done my best to get you out of jail, and I would have moved on with my life.
So you are an opportunist.
[scoffs.]
And you're not? Did you have any interest in beauty pageants before you met me? We're the same, Patty.
Perfect mirrors.
Perfect partners.
You don't act like we're partners.
You've been dismissing me since we got here.
- Haven't learned a thing about pageants - Dut-dut-dut-dut! - Yes, you have.
- Name one.
Actions speak louder than words.
Get up and do the walk.
Here? - [scoffs.]
I can't do I can't even - Yes.
Yes, you can.
Trust me.
[Patty clears throat.]
- I told you I can't.
- Try again.
Now, carry the caboodles like I showed you.
Shoulders back, headlights up.
Show me you can follow direction.
Keep walking.
Now, sit on the horse.
Squeeze those thighs, push those hips forward.
Good.
Okay, now, wipe the floor.
Slide and glide.
Mm-hmm.
And turn.
Carry the caboodles, sit on the horse, wipe the floor.
["Miss America" instrumental opening plays.]
Oh, my God! - You're a genius! - Not really.
I just Miyagi-ed you.
What's a Miyagi? It's when you care enough about someone to help them get out of their own way.
- Younger sister.
- Hmm? - Hmm? What? - Hmm? Hmm.
[Patty.]
This weekend was better than I had ever imagined.
I had a new friend, and after our lunch, I felt closer to Bob than ever.
- I wasn't Hang on.
- [gargling.]
I wasn't a pageant virgin anymore.
It was time to swipe the other v-card.
I was just grateful I'd come prepared.
- [rap music playing on radio.]
- [phone beeps.]
Floor it.
Why are you stopping? Urgent business.
Oh, my God! Are you taking a picture of your hoo-ha? Gross! Why would anybody wanna see a pic of your shenanigans? [phone beeps.]
You're Napoleon Bone Your Parts? You're Pacific Rim Job? - I'm gonna puke like four times.
- I'm shocked.
You're too hot to be on Teen Roulette.
Really? None of the guys at school will date me.
They think I'm stuck up.
[scoffs.]
No, they think you're mean.
I, on the other hand, do better when no one sees my face.
I like your face.
Well, I like your dong.
- That wasn't my dong.
- Why would you use a bogus dong? 'Cause the Internet is forever.
- It is? - Get in the back, I'm driving.
Chinese fire drill.
[Nonnie.]
I don't think you're supposed to say that.
Sorry, Donald Choi! Knock-knock.
[knocking at door.]
Bob.
What a surprise.
How long were you planning on stealing Patty? - Well, how long did you think? - Is that what this is about? Revenge? Do you have any idea how much it hurt when you left? C'mon, Stella Rose.
I gave up on men completely.
I even tried women.
But not even a 30-year-old with PMS and bipolar disorder could replace the drama you stole from me! - You said it was ancient history! - For you! You moved on.
- From me! - [sighs.]
From the best sex you ever had.
- And for what? - For Coralee.
- For my wife.
- She doesn't appreciate you.
I'm the only one who ever encouraged you to embrace your true gifts.
I'll never understand what you see in her.
She is my soul mate.
She's trash.
Is that all you got? Oh, God, I missed us.
- Oh, Bob, we're still great together.
- [Bob grunts.]
- Good cop, bad cop.
- [gasping.]
Mama knows best.
Stella Rose, stop! Stop.
[Bob grunts.]
[panting.]
- [Bob.]
And I thought Patty was crazy.
- [sighs.]
- Hey, partner.
- Argh! Oh, Patty.
- What in the hell? - Don't you wanna see my Miyagi? Absolutely not! - Wait, but Wait, Bob - Get out! Wait, wait [exhales.]
[Patty.]
I was such an idiot.
Thinking that Bob was starting to see me as his perfect partner.
He was right about one thing.
I had to get out.
[sniffles.]
This is better than pay-per-view porn.
Keep it in your head, stroke-y.
All I'm saying is, he'd look a hell of a lot better on your arm than that sissy nuts husband of yours.
And I know how much you care about appearances.
Ladies, I think I figured it out.
Broken radiator hose.
Upper and lower.
It's expensive right? Well, it looks like it was deliberately cut.
Anyone wanna harm you, Brandi Lynne? You mean besides me right now? I should've known you were up to something when you showed up out of the blue.
You don't wanna spend time together, you just wanna spend my money! I'm short on rent.
Quit playing online poker, Brandi Lynne.
I mean, what'd you do? Just rode up and cut the radiator hose - right before you rang my doorbell? - No.
I looked in the window and made sure you were home first.
Ugh.
- You hillbilly whore! - [screams.]
How dare you come over here - Get off me! - and try to milk your sister for money! [both shouting.]
You wanna suck on a teet? C'mere! Ow! Mother balls! Alright, stop! Stop right now! Get off of me! [both panting.]
You have ten minutes to pack your things.
I am calling you a tow truck, and I'm putting it on your tab.
You crazy bitch! Crazy bitch! [nervous chuckle.]
- Hi.
- Wow.
That's your sister? Uh Yeah, I'm sorry I lied before.
I just I didn't want you to think less of me.
Ah, you kidding me? I'm hell impressed.
You are so good at playing a socialite.
No one would ever know that underneath it all, you're still - Um - Trailer trash? Hey, I would never say that.
You just did.
What do you think? Not bad for trailer trash, huh? Don't you ever say that about yourself.
Come here, take a look.
How do you feel? Like the very best version of me.
Did Captain Handsome just call us trailer trash? Pretty much.
And for the record, my Bob would never do that.
So don't you ever talk about his sissy nuts again.
I'm sorry.
[Bob.]
For the first time, I had to wonder if Coralee was right about Patty.
Maybe there was something wrong with her.
Then again, it was just a crush.
And honestly, who could blame her? I just needed to give her some space, and it would all blow over.
[door slams.]
Unless I had just sent her running back to the enemy! Patty! What are you doing? I'm going to Big Daddy's with Roxy and Stella Rose.
At least they care about me.
I care about you.
Stella Rose says you only care about yourself, and you're a narcissist.
She's lying! She's just trying to get back at me.
See? You're making it all about you.
- No, I - [engine starts.]
Patty! Patty! Oh - [country music playing.]
- Whoo! To Patty! You finally got rid of that loser coach.
Congratulations.
You just lost an extra 180 pounds.
Yeah, but now I don't have a coach.
I don't know anything about this stuff.
I could be your coach.
I'd be happy to get back in the game for someone like you.
Do you promise that you're not using me to get back at Bob? Cross my heart, sweetheart.
Has nothing to do with him.
Smile like a winner! [camera clicks.]
[Roxy.]
Girl, we gotta get you some denim and a cowboy hat.
Yeah.
Should we get some shots, guys? What do y'all say? Gotta go to the ladies room.
Y'all take care of my girl while I'm gone.
[Roxy.]
Will do.
[phone chimes.]
- Suck it, Stella Rose! - [horn honking.]
[tires squealing.]
Oh, yay, drinks! [phone chimes, vibrates.]
Here you go.
[Patty.]
If Stella Rose's interest in me had nothing to do with Bob, then why did she send that picture? They had both played me.
Which meant neither one of them cared.
Was Roxy in on it too? Was it all a lie? [man.]
Alright, y'all.
Last call for the All You can Eat Crawfish Eating Competition.
- Let's go! - [crowd cheering.]
[Patty.]
I needed a safe place.
Somewhere I felt comfortable.
- Where you going? - To eat a shit ton of crawfish.
Three, two, one, eat! - [crowd cheering.]
- [country music playing.]
Patty, my girls don't eat competitively.
Good thing I'm not your girl then, huh? Oh, my God, she's disgusting! She'll make me look amazing.
Good luck, honey.
- [rap music playing.]
- [phone beeping.]
Oh, my God, you guys, I found Patty.
She's blowing up on ShenaniCam.
No, seriously, she's literally blowing up on ShenaniCam.
Oh Ow.
What's that hard thing? - Gross.
- You mean this? Don't worry, it's legal.
I have a conceal and carry license.
That is so hot.
[turns up volume.]
out of proportion I've walked this life My fight is vicious Competition never looked so delicious I meet 'em, I greet 'em I never ever cheat 'em All I ever think about Is how I'm gonna beat 'em Is it loaded? - [crowd cheering.]
- [country music playing.]
[Patty.]
It was such a relief to stuff my face.
I didn't have to think about pageants, or Stella Rose, or Bob.
Patty, stop.
Why? I thought you wanted me to be a winner.
Unless you're just worried about me getting fat.
- Sorry sir, contestants only.
- Better get me a bib then.
Alright.
- What are you doing? - Making sure you listen.
We both know where this leads.
It starts with some crawfish, but then you feel guilty, so you eat a box of donuts to make yourself feel better.
The next thing you know, you're at the drive-thru five times a day, eating a whole stick of butter in the dark.
- Wow, you did that? - We are the same, Patty.
That is why I wanna coach you.
You're the only person I've ever met who's just as hungry as me.
Prove it.
Actions speak louder than words.
Show me that you can win this thing and I'll trust you.
Volume eating is a slippery slope for both of us.
I'm willing to risk it all for you.
Show me you're willing to risk it all for me too.
I do this, and you actually start listening to me.
Somebody bring me some crawfish! Whoo! - Winner! - [bell dings.]
[wild cheering.]
I knew it.
We are soul mates.
I think I need to throw up.
Citizen's arrest! - Dixie, wait! - [man.]
Gun! [people screaming.]
Stop right there, you [shrieks.]
[loud thud.]
You, me, outside, now.
Did you really think Patty was ever gonna leave me for you? No.
I know how young women react to you.
I used to be one.
If you weren't trying to steal Patty, then what were you up to? I thought this was all about revenge.
Oh, it was.
Just not how you think.
You thought you were coming down here so I'd help you get an edge.
You gave me the edge, because now I've seen all Patty's weaknesses, and yours.
You're the only competition I've ever been worried about.
And now, I know exactly how to beat you.
Beat me? I thought you weren't coaching anymore.
Oh, I am getting back into coaching, just not with your girl.
Remember Roxy? I'm gonna to take her all the way to Miss American Lady.
We're gonna ruin you, baby.
I know you're in love with Bob.
- What? No, I'm not - I know.
Because I was too.
We had an affair 20 years ago.
He gave me this necklace.
Now I'm giving it to you.
You know what to do.
[Patty.]
It was like manna from heaven.
Stella Rose wasn't my competition.
She was my ammunition.
To break up Bob's marriage, and have him all to myself.
[Patty.]
I knew skinny was magic, but now, none of my bras fit.
The new Patty was more powerful, but with much smaller boobs.
Bob says nothing says confidence like a good push-up bra.
- What do you think about this one? - Mmm.
This one? I don't know.
I feel like I'd have to see it on.
I just wanna look my best this weekend.
I still don't understand why Bob's taking you all the way to a pageant in Alabama if you're not even competing.
'Cause, he's gonna show me how real pageant girls act.
How they walk, how they talk, how they smile.
His coaching mentor is the director, so she's giving us VIP access.
Are you really into all this beauty pageant stuff, or are you just into Bob? Both.
And now that I'm getting him away from his wife for the weekend, I'm gonna show him that I am his soul mate too.
We're perfect partners.
We're gonna win Miss Magic Jesus, and Regionals, and Miss American Lady, and then I'll be famous, and everyone else can S a big fat D.
Oh, leopard! - Do you think he'll like this one? - Hold up.
What do you think is going to happen on this trip? This weekend is going to be fun, fun, fun.
Baby, baby, baby [Bob.]
This weekend is gonna be work, work, work.
Why is seeing your pageant coaching mentor suddenly such a goddamned emergency? Miss Magic Jesus is in just a couple of weeks, and I need the extra help.
Well, so do I! My dinner party is tonight, and all the Junior League ladies are bringing their husbands, and you're leaving me alone like some divorceé.
I thought we were partners.
We are.
I cooked, I cleaned, IÂ tszujed, everything looks great! You know what doesn't look great? You, taking a minor across state lines.
That looks a lot like kidnapping.
Don't be dramatic.
Well, you're the one acting like it's life or death.
Because it is! - Why? - Because Patty is out of control! What do you mean? [Bob.]
She nearly lit a man on fire.
She's just a little willful, impulsive.
Impetuous.
Bob, she's a teenage girl, they're all insane and you know this.
No, Patty is different! - How? - Because she is my only coaching client.
And you know that is the most important thing in my life.
- Mm-hmm.
- Other than you.
Mm-hmm.
Patty actually reminds me a lot of you when I first met you.
Bite your tongue.
She has the same kind of fire.
And if I could just harness it, I think she could take us both all the way to Miss American Lady.
I just have to get her under control.
[sighs.]
Stella Rose, she taught me everything I know.
She will know what to do.
[doorbell rings.]
Would it really be so bad for you to have to give up coaching? Oh, would it really be so bad if you didn't get into the Junior League? [knocking at door.]
Patty.
What are you doing here? I said I was gonna pick you up.
Well, I was running early, so I figured I'd save you the trip.
- See what I mean? Willful.
- I can see the emergency.
Meet me in the driveway, I'll pull the car around.
It's okay, I'll go in from the garage.
- Patty, please.
- I'm sorry.
[rock music plays over radio.]
[Bob.]
Coralee was wrong.
This was an emergency.
If Stella Rose couldn't help me control Patty's fire, she could burn us both to the ground.
Potato chip? No, thanks.
Once I start on those, I can't stop.
What the hell is all this crap? Snacks.
Road trip calories don't count.
What? Of course they do! Will you put that away? You're in a mood.
Is it Coralee? Every time I come around, she gets tense.
I wouldn't take it personally.
I think you just remind her a lot of herself when she was that age.
But why are you trying to change me? Don't you like me the way I am? I love you.
You are beautiful, and fierce, sophisticated.
I just want you to wear all that on the outside too.
- Mm-mm.
- Mmm.
- Mm-mm.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
[Patty.]
Do I remind you of your wife? Actually, you remind me more of myself.
[Patty.]
See? Soul mates.
I um I made us a playlist for the road.
- ["Sexual" playing.]
- You got that thing That I've been looking for Been running around for so long Now I got you I won't let you go You got that thing That I've been looking for And you've got a heart full of gold And that's really turning me on You are, you are You are, you are You are Everything that I dreamed of You know, usually I'm partial to the classics.
Britney.
Christina.
But I do like this.
Yes Just say you feel the way that I feel I'm feeling sexual - So we should be sexual - [turns off stereo.]
[horse whinnies.]
[Patty.]
I was finally at a real pageant.
And with no one else around, I would have Bob's full attention.
How do I look? How's my hair? You look great.
Are you okay? You seem nervous.
Nervous? No.
I, uh I just haven't seen Stella Rose in almost 20 years and she is a bit of a harsh critic.
She's even more direct than I am.
I didn't think that was possible.
Oh, trust me, she's a legend.
Before she started directing, she coached three Miss USAs, one Miss American Lady Oh, my God, she's here.
[gasps.]
Well! Look what the horse drug in.
[Stella Rose.]
You look like something the cat dragged in.
I'm sorry.
My stylist used too much product.
- Nobody cares about your sob story.
- Hey, hey.
- [sobs.]
- Oh, it's not that bad.
Look, no.
You just need a little [humming.]
[gasps.]
And there.
No more tears.
Impressive.
You got a daughter in the pageant? Oh, no, I'm here for a conference.
I'm a lawyer.
What's a lawyer know about fixing hair? A trial is the biggest pageant there is.
I gotta make sure my clients pass muster before a jury.
You've got a gift for style.
Ever thought about making money at it? [sighs.]
I did, but my wife put the kibosh on it.
The night before I was scheduled to take the bar, I got offered a sales management position at Bergdorf Goodman.
But she wouldn't let me take it.
Said it wouldn't give us the lifestyle that she wanted.
That's tragic.
You are literally the only person that thinks that, besides me.
Well, you clearly have a calling.
I don't know if you're a good lawyer, but you'd make a hell of a pageant coach.
Pageant coaching? That's a thing? It sure is.
And you can make a pretty penny at it too.
I mean, if you need that as a way to sell the idea to your wife.
Oh, I wouldn't know where to start.
Well, honey, that's where I come in.
I've got more clients than I can handle.
And I'm looking for a partner.
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet my first protégé, Bob Armstrong.
Bob, I'd like you to meet my Bareback Buckaroos.
You are looking well.
And I see you're still wearing that rug on your head.
- What rug? - Patty, I would like you to meet Miss Stella Rose Buckley, my pageant mentor, and the director of Miss Bareback Buckaroo.
Stella Rose, meet my star client, Patricia Bladell.
Hmm.
Well, I never would've known she was a heifer, except for these.
I'm guessing you're what? Like a Double D? Oh, uh, hey, sorry.
She has aggression problems.
- That's kind of how we met.
- It's okay.
I like 'em feisty.
- Plus, she's a stunner.
- Wait, you approve? You're lucky I quit coaching, Bob.
Otherwise, I might try to take her for myself.
Patty, I want you to meet Roxy.
She's gonna be your tour guide through Miss Bareback Buckaroo.
Oh, my God! This is gonna be so much fun.
You're a pageant virgin? - Yeah.
- Roxy.
Why don't you take Patty back to the hotel and get her all settled.
The grown-ups need to have a chat.
Oh.
Uh Go on.
We'll catch up later.
[approaching footsteps.]
Choi, I need to borrow your car.
It's an emergency.
Uh-huh, totally.
Are you even listening to me? Eww.
You're sexting? No! It's Teen Roulette.
It's an app for meeting people, from the waist down.
So you don't get hung up on superficial things like faces.
I found a girl within a one mile radius - who wants to hook up - Please stop talking.
Did you say something about borrowing my car? - Yeah, I need to go Alabama to save Patty.
- [door jingles.]
I tried calling her mom, but she's in rehab, so What's wrong with Patty? Her alleged child molester, lawyer, slash, beauty pageant coach is taking her across state lines.
I'm scared something bad's gonna happen.
- Long story.
- You can tell me on the way.
To Alabama? Why would you come? 'Cause I've never been to Alabama.
Or anywhere outside of Georgia.
Plus, maybe if I come to Patty's rescue, she'll actually let me feel her boobs.
[Nonnie scoffs.]
Let's get one thing straight.
If anyone's rescuing Patty, it's me.
- I'm the one who's gonna - Feel her boobs? I was gonna say be her knight in shining armor.
I get off in half an hour.
- I'll meet you outside.
- Okay.
Okay.
So the headlines are, you used to be fat and your coach is a diddler? - Alleged diddler.
- That's so badass.
Compared to yours, my story sucks.
I got bullied, my mom wanted me to have more self-confidence, so I tried modeling, but the girls were dumb, so I got into pageanting.
Wait.
You were bullied too? Well, not anymore.
Stella Rose is all about sisterhood.
Oh.
- What? You don't like Stella Rose? - No, I don't know anything about her.
Just that my coach is obsessed with her and he should be paying attention to me.
Oh, you have a crush on him.
What? No, no, I don't.
You know, I have some butt-tape in my purse.
When we get up to the room, we'll tape your boobs together, make 'em look extra perky.
That'll get his attention for sure.
- Ladies.
- Thank you.
- Ma'am.
- Thank you.
Sorry, you said butt-tape? [door jingles.]
Wait up, losers.
- I'm coming with you.
- [scoffs.]
No, you're not.
I am too.
I'm gonna get photos of that child molester in action.
You're not the only one who wants to take him down.
Dixie, please.
You know you made that whole molestation thing up.
I did not.
My mom did! I mean, my mom She knows that it really happened.
And even if it didn't, he still might do something else.
Wait, if Bob's innocent, why are we going to Alabama? 'Cause I'm not worried about what Bob's going to do, I'm worried about Patty.
She has a crush on him.
And when she has a crush, she can get kind of crazy.
If he gets to feel her boobs, I'm gonna be so pissed.
[Nonnie scoffs.]
We're taking my car.
Come on, bitches! She's referring to you when she says "bitches," by the way.
["Get It Down Low" playing over stereo.]
I'm fly G6, she let me jump on the beat Like a remix C-A my n-word Califor-ni-a my n-word LA to the Bay my n-word Click-clack, what you gotta say My n-word [Bob.]
Hey, thanks for seeing me.
I wasn't sure you would after how things went down.
Oh, it's ancient history.
Besides, I figured you were desperate or else you wouldn't have called me.
I'm not, I'm not desperate.
- Like hell you're not.
- Okay, I am desperate.
For redemption, and Patty is my last chance.
But she's also the best chance I've ever had.
- Still the drama queen.
- Oh, come on.
Stella Rose.
She just won't listen.
And I'm afraid if I can't control her, she's just gonna go off the rails in a way that I'll never get her back.
Can you just tell me what I'm doing wrong? Please? Well, I'll need to watch you coach her.
[ringing, vibrating.]
- Hey, Nonnie.
- Hey! How's it going over there? Dicey.
Bob's totally blowing me off.
- That sucks.
- But Roxy gave me butt-tape for my boobs, - and I'm - [phone beeps.]
- Wait, who's Roxy, and what's butt-tape? - Oh, crap.
I gotta go.
Uh, I'll talk to you later.
Do you know what butt-tape is? Yeah.
You use it to tape your clothes to your butt.
Obviously.
Why on earth would anybody wanna tape their clothes to their butt? So your shorts don't ride up.
Duh! It's a pageant thing.
Looks like Patty made a new friend, who understands pageant stuff.
That's good.
Right? Drive faster! [Coralee.]
Bob's arrangement was impeccable but it wasn't enough.
For the Junior League ladies to accept me, everything had to be perfect.
Without Bob, I was missing my most important accessory.
[car doors slam.]
Unless he came back.
Surprise! Brandi Lynne.
- Give your sister some sugar! - Oh, God.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- I figured we were due for a visit.
I haven't seen you since Cousin Delilah decided to get re-virginized, which was what, - three years ago? - Well, you should have called first, because I have a dozen people coming over here for dinner, no kids allowed.
And no embarrassing family members.
- Well, I mean - Let's go, kids.
Your fancy pants auntie's being a first class bitch.
[starter struggling.]
[Coralee.]
Drive safe now, and enjoy that open road.
Lord This has been happening a lot lately.
It just won't start.
No, no, no.
But if you stay, then I'll have to cancel my dinner.
Hunker down, kids.
- Looks like we're staying for a spell.
- No, no, no.
[phone rings.]
[Bob.]
I needed to stay focused.
I was about to coach before the coach of coaches.
It wasn't just about what Stella Rose thought of Patty, it was about what she thought of me.
Where's your client? Well, she's late.
I told you she doesn't follow directions.
You better hope she's not looking for a new coach.
What What? Why would you even say that? Because if I were her, I'd want someone who didn't need any extra help.
It makes you look like you're in over your head.
Hello, I am! That is why I'm here.
- Hi, sorry I'm late.
- Oh, my God.
What happened to you? Roxy taped me up.
She said it would maximize my assets.
Oh, they are most definitely maximized.
I said skinny is magic, not skanky is magic.
You don't need to shame her, Bob.
[tsking.]
C'mon, honey, let's work on that walk.
Oh, she is not ready for the walk.
Stella Rose thinks I am.
Stella Rose is not your coach.
I am.
- But you said she was a legend.
- [scoffs.]
Look.
I thought maybe you'd just watch, yeah? Let me do the coaching.
- I need to see what she can do, right? - [sighs.]
Fine.
You think you can do the walk, do it.
This is not gonna be pretty.
Okay, stop stop! You look like a yeti trying to escape a Nat Geo photographer.
I think it's better if I show you myself.
[sputters, clears throat.]
Sorry.
I've just never seen heels that big.
Not to brag, but I am a ladies size 14.
Okay now, watch and learn.
["Miss America" instrumental opening plays.]
- No, no! - [record scratch.]
You're still forgetting to squeeze the cheeks and thrust Hey! Boundaries.
- I'm helping you, Bob.
- You are groping me.
Anyone's gonna get groped, it's gonna be me.
I thought I was the one being coached, not you.
This is a waste of time.
- Can I talk to you outside, Bob? - Yup.
I can see your problem.
Patty doesn't respect you.
Well, if that is true, you are not helping.
She knows you're vulnerable, Bob.
She can smell your desperation like that cheap cologne you were wearing when I met you.
That was Paco Rabanne Invictus.
That's $40 for the travel size.
I'm right and you know it.
Well, what do you suggest I do about it? She's a wild Mustang.
Break her.
You've gotta jump on her and wrap your fist in her mane and ride her like the devil and put her up foamy - and wet - Okay, yep.
I get it.
And I'll dangle the carrot.
- Show her it's all worth it.
- You mean like good cop, bad cop? Mama always did know best.
You need to move all these make-up caboodles to the dressing area.
Two at a time, one in each hand.
I thought we were gonna watch rehearsal.
No, you need to learn to follow directions first.
[scoffs.]
Why? I'm great at following directions.
Patty! In the week since I've been your coach, you have almost lit a man on fire, got alcohol poisoning, and stolen evidence from a police locker.
That might be indicative of a behavior problem.
Anybody could have an off week.
Do as I say, or we're gonna have a problem.
All right, find me when you're done.
Hey.
Why aren't you at rehearsal? Mmm.
I got stuck on the phone with my BF, but it's cool, so Rose and I are tight, she'll give me a pass.
What are you doing? Oh, Bob said I have to move these.
Well, here, let me help ya.
And then, you can watch rehearsal.
That's why you came, right? Why are you being so nice to me? This is what we do.
A queen always helps another queen fix her crown.
C'mon.
[guitar music playing.]
Just show me the last three beats.
Come on, this is the big time.
Sparkle! - All done.
- Already? How? I had a little help.
That's what pageants are about, right? Sisterhood? That is not how I told you to do it.
Go back and do it the right way.
Oh, come on Bob.
Don't be such a hard ass, this is supposed to be fun.
Good cop! [Bob.]
Being bad cop was one thing, but Stella Rose making me look incompetent was another thing altogether.
Fine.
You came here for a pageant, let's get you on stage.
Hold it still.
They've gotta light the horse for the opening ceremonies.
I'm going to fall off.
There's no saddle! That's why it's called Bareback Buckaroo.
No, it's not.
[horse whinnies.]
He can sense your fear, darling.
 Relax.
Squeeze your thighs together and thrust your hips forward.
[horse snorts, whinnies.]
Oh, God.
Oh, God! - [girls gasp.]
- [Patty groans.]
[manure plopping.]
Oh, shit.
[horse snorts.]
- Can we leave? - No.
Seriously? You're gonna make her clean it? That's disgusting! Go on.
It's not gonna wipe itself.
What does poop have to do with pageants? - Yeah.
- Mind your own business.
You follow directions.
Do as I say.
[Patty clears throat.]
Not like that.
A lady never gets down on her knees.
Don't! I do this on my kitchen floors, and I defy you to look at them without sunglasses.
- Who's pooping in your kitchen? - Hey.
I'll be back in a little while.
Stella, keep an eye on her.
[Bob.]
Something didn't smell right, and it wasn't the horse shit.
I had to know.
If Stella Rose wasn't helping, what was she up to? Oh, holy God.
I'm in the shower for 15 minutes, and you turn my front lawn into a water park? Come on, Coralee.
You keep clenching that tight, you're gonna pull something.
Okay, I called the mechanic and it's triple time to do house calls on the weekend, - so we have to wait till Monday.
- Great! We can spend more time together.
Doing what? Baby pool mud wrestling? Let's go.
Last time I promised you double or nothing.
No! There is a reason I left that trailer park.
Because you think you're better than us, you always have.
Everybody else might believe that swanky MILF act, but not me.
- Alright.
Are you done? - [Barnard.]
Hey, Coralee! Oh, shit.
Well, well, well.
- What have we here? - Shut your pie hole, Brandi Lynne.
Bob, hi! What are you doing here? Well, Etta Mae felt awful about you coming down with a cold and having to cancel your dinner.
So she asked me to drop off some of her world-famous shepherd's pie.
That is just so thoughtful of both y'all.
- And, uh, who might this be? - Uh a charity case.
We adopted a family from the trailer park, and they were supposed to come next weekend.
But her brain is so fried from all the meth that she got the dates wrong.
- She's lying.
I'm her - [Coralee.]
She also had a stroke, so most of what she says doesn't make any sense at all.
And now her trailer is on the fritz.
So it looks like she and her crack babies are gonna be with us for a while.
- Well, Bob can't fix it? - He's outta town.
The only time Bob's been under a car is when he was hiding from a grizzly.
You want a beer? - Oh, bless her heart.
- Well, listen She's crazy.
I know a little about engines, and I do owe you a favor.
I'm happy to take a look.
That is if you don't mind me peeking under your hood? Peek away.
You know, she doesn't have a hood.
- That's alright, I'm happy to.
- It's okay, you know Oh, all right.
Hey, Stella Rose, we're about to head to the spa, so Is it that time already? My goodness, you've been at that a long time.
Why don't you take a break? Come with us.
The pageant's paying for all the girls to get treatments.
Yeah, c'mon, it'll be fun! I need to finish.
Bob says I need to learn to follow directions.
[Stella Rose.]
Bob needs to learn to back off.
If he's not careful, he's gonna ruin this for you before it even starts.
- He's just looking out for me.
- Bob only looks out for himself.
He's a complete and total narcissist.
- Trust me.
I know.
- Bob's a legend around here, and not in a good way.
- Stella Rose told us the whole story.
- Oh, yeah.
I took him under my wing, taught him everything he knows.
And then, when he thought he had a better deal, he dropped me like a corn dog without a stick.
Mark my words, he will do the same to you.
- He says he believes in me.
- Oh, sure he does! Do you think he'd be this invested in you if he'd met you when you were fat? He's an opportunist.
He found someone vulnerable and took advantage.
Trust me.
He doesn't care about you, but I do.
Us girls gotta look out for each other, right? Dry your tears and you come on to the spa.
[Bob.]
And snap went the trap.
Stella Rose wasn't a good cop.
She was a thief trying to steal my client.
I had to do damage control.
Hey ladies! How's it going? Uh, we're going to the spa, just the girls.
Oh, Patty can't make it.
I made lunch reservations for two.
Um I think I'd like to hang out with the girls tonight.
Oh, you will, tomorrow.
Come on, we don't wanna be late.
[classical piano music plays.]
[Patty.]
I finally had Bob alone, and now, I wasn't sure that I wanted him.
You okay? What would have happened if you met me while I was fat? I'm gonna tell you the truth, because I want you to trust me.
I would've done my best to get you out of jail, and I would have moved on with my life.
So you are an opportunist.
[scoffs.]
And you're not? Did you have any interest in beauty pageants before you met me? We're the same, Patty.
Perfect mirrors.
Perfect partners.
You don't act like we're partners.
You've been dismissing me since we got here.
- Haven't learned a thing about pageants - Dut-dut-dut-dut! - Yes, you have.
- Name one.
Actions speak louder than words.
Get up and do the walk.
Here? - [scoffs.]
I can't do I can't even - Yes.
Yes, you can.
Trust me.
[Patty clears throat.]
- I told you I can't.
- Try again.
Now, carry the caboodles like I showed you.
Shoulders back, headlights up.
Show me you can follow direction.
Keep walking.
Now, sit on the horse.
Squeeze those thighs, push those hips forward.
Good.
Okay, now, wipe the floor.
Slide and glide.
Mm-hmm.
And turn.
Carry the caboodles, sit on the horse, wipe the floor.
["Miss America" instrumental opening plays.]
Oh, my God! - You're a genius! - Not really.
I just Miyagi-ed you.
What's a Miyagi? It's when you care enough about someone to help them get out of their own way.
- Younger sister.
- Hmm? - Hmm? What? - Hmm? Hmm.
[Patty.]
This weekend was better than I had ever imagined.
I had a new friend, and after our lunch, I felt closer to Bob than ever.
- I wasn't Hang on.
- [gargling.]
I wasn't a pageant virgin anymore.
It was time to swipe the other v-card.
I was just grateful I'd come prepared.
- [rap music playing on radio.]
- [phone beeps.]
Floor it.
Why are you stopping? Urgent business.
Oh, my God! Are you taking a picture of your hoo-ha? Gross! Why would anybody wanna see a pic of your shenanigans? [phone beeps.]
You're Napoleon Bone Your Parts? You're Pacific Rim Job? - I'm gonna puke like four times.
- I'm shocked.
You're too hot to be on Teen Roulette.
Really? None of the guys at school will date me.
They think I'm stuck up.
[scoffs.]
No, they think you're mean.
I, on the other hand, do better when no one sees my face.
I like your face.
Well, I like your dong.
- That wasn't my dong.
- Why would you use a bogus dong? 'Cause the Internet is forever.
- It is? - Get in the back, I'm driving.
Chinese fire drill.
[Nonnie.]
I don't think you're supposed to say that.
Sorry, Donald Choi! Knock-knock.
[knocking at door.]
Bob.
What a surprise.
How long were you planning on stealing Patty? - Well, how long did you think? - Is that what this is about? Revenge? Do you have any idea how much it hurt when you left? C'mon, Stella Rose.
I gave up on men completely.
I even tried women.
But not even a 30-year-old with PMS and bipolar disorder could replace the drama you stole from me! - You said it was ancient history! - For you! You moved on.
- From me! - [sighs.]
From the best sex you ever had.
- And for what? - For Coralee.
- For my wife.
- She doesn't appreciate you.
I'm the only one who ever encouraged you to embrace your true gifts.
I'll never understand what you see in her.
She is my soul mate.
She's trash.
Is that all you got? Oh, God, I missed us.
- Oh, Bob, we're still great together.
- [Bob grunts.]
- Good cop, bad cop.
- [gasping.]
Mama knows best.
Stella Rose, stop! Stop.
[Bob grunts.]
[panting.]
- [Bob.]
And I thought Patty was crazy.
- [sighs.]
- Hey, partner.
- Argh! Oh, Patty.
- What in the hell? - Don't you wanna see my Miyagi? Absolutely not! - Wait, but Wait, Bob - Get out! Wait, wait [exhales.]
[Patty.]
I was such an idiot.
Thinking that Bob was starting to see me as his perfect partner.
He was right about one thing.
I had to get out.
[sniffles.]
This is better than pay-per-view porn.
Keep it in your head, stroke-y.
All I'm saying is, he'd look a hell of a lot better on your arm than that sissy nuts husband of yours.
And I know how much you care about appearances.
Ladies, I think I figured it out.
Broken radiator hose.
Upper and lower.
It's expensive right? Well, it looks like it was deliberately cut.
Anyone wanna harm you, Brandi Lynne? You mean besides me right now? I should've known you were up to something when you showed up out of the blue.
You don't wanna spend time together, you just wanna spend my money! I'm short on rent.
Quit playing online poker, Brandi Lynne.
I mean, what'd you do? Just rode up and cut the radiator hose - right before you rang my doorbell? - No.
I looked in the window and made sure you were home first.
Ugh.
- You hillbilly whore! - [screams.]
How dare you come over here - Get off me! - and try to milk your sister for money! [both shouting.]
You wanna suck on a teet? C'mere! Ow! Mother balls! Alright, stop! Stop right now! Get off of me! [both panting.]
You have ten minutes to pack your things.
I am calling you a tow truck, and I'm putting it on your tab.
You crazy bitch! Crazy bitch! [nervous chuckle.]
- Hi.
- Wow.
That's your sister? Uh Yeah, I'm sorry I lied before.
I just I didn't want you to think less of me.
Ah, you kidding me? I'm hell impressed.
You are so good at playing a socialite.
No one would ever know that underneath it all, you're still - Um - Trailer trash? Hey, I would never say that.
You just did.
What do you think? Not bad for trailer trash, huh? Don't you ever say that about yourself.
Come here, take a look.
How do you feel? Like the very best version of me.
Did Captain Handsome just call us trailer trash? Pretty much.
And for the record, my Bob would never do that.
So don't you ever talk about his sissy nuts again.
I'm sorry.
[Bob.]
For the first time, I had to wonder if Coralee was right about Patty.
Maybe there was something wrong with her.
Then again, it was just a crush.
And honestly, who could blame her? I just needed to give her some space, and it would all blow over.
[door slams.]
Unless I had just sent her running back to the enemy! Patty! What are you doing? I'm going to Big Daddy's with Roxy and Stella Rose.
At least they care about me.
I care about you.
Stella Rose says you only care about yourself, and you're a narcissist.
She's lying! She's just trying to get back at me.
See? You're making it all about you.
- No, I - [engine starts.]
Patty! Patty! Oh - [country music playing.]
- Whoo! To Patty! You finally got rid of that loser coach.
Congratulations.
You just lost an extra 180 pounds.
Yeah, but now I don't have a coach.
I don't know anything about this stuff.
I could be your coach.
I'd be happy to get back in the game for someone like you.
Do you promise that you're not using me to get back at Bob? Cross my heart, sweetheart.
Has nothing to do with him.
Smile like a winner! [camera clicks.]
[Roxy.]
Girl, we gotta get you some denim and a cowboy hat.
Yeah.
Should we get some shots, guys? What do y'all say? Gotta go to the ladies room.
Y'all take care of my girl while I'm gone.
[Roxy.]
Will do.
[phone chimes.]
- Suck it, Stella Rose! - [horn honking.]
[tires squealing.]
Oh, yay, drinks! [phone chimes, vibrates.]
Here you go.
[Patty.]
If Stella Rose's interest in me had nothing to do with Bob, then why did she send that picture? They had both played me.
Which meant neither one of them cared.
Was Roxy in on it too? Was it all a lie? [man.]
Alright, y'all.
Last call for the All You can Eat Crawfish Eating Competition.
- Let's go! - [crowd cheering.]
[Patty.]
I needed a safe place.
Somewhere I felt comfortable.
- Where you going? - To eat a shit ton of crawfish.
Three, two, one, eat! - [crowd cheering.]
- [country music playing.]
Patty, my girls don't eat competitively.
Good thing I'm not your girl then, huh? Oh, my God, she's disgusting! She'll make me look amazing.
Good luck, honey.
- [rap music playing.]
- [phone beeping.]
Oh, my God, you guys, I found Patty.
She's blowing up on ShenaniCam.
No, seriously, she's literally blowing up on ShenaniCam.
Oh Ow.
What's that hard thing? - Gross.
- You mean this? Don't worry, it's legal.
I have a conceal and carry license.
That is so hot.
[turns up volume.]
out of proportion I've walked this life My fight is vicious Competition never looked so delicious I meet 'em, I greet 'em I never ever cheat 'em All I ever think about Is how I'm gonna beat 'em Is it loaded? - [crowd cheering.]
- [country music playing.]
[Patty.]
It was such a relief to stuff my face.
I didn't have to think about pageants, or Stella Rose, or Bob.
Patty, stop.
Why? I thought you wanted me to be a winner.
Unless you're just worried about me getting fat.
- Sorry sir, contestants only.
- Better get me a bib then.
Alright.
- What are you doing? - Making sure you listen.
We both know where this leads.
It starts with some crawfish, but then you feel guilty, so you eat a box of donuts to make yourself feel better.
The next thing you know, you're at the drive-thru five times a day, eating a whole stick of butter in the dark.
- Wow, you did that? - We are the same, Patty.
That is why I wanna coach you.
You're the only person I've ever met who's just as hungry as me.
Prove it.
Actions speak louder than words.
Show me that you can win this thing and I'll trust you.
Volume eating is a slippery slope for both of us.
I'm willing to risk it all for you.
Show me you're willing to risk it all for me too.
I do this, and you actually start listening to me.
Somebody bring me some crawfish! Whoo! - Winner! - [bell dings.]
[wild cheering.]
I knew it.
We are soul mates.
I think I need to throw up.
Citizen's arrest! - Dixie, wait! - [man.]
Gun! [people screaming.]
Stop right there, you [shrieks.]
[loud thud.]
You, me, outside, now.
Did you really think Patty was ever gonna leave me for you? No.
I know how young women react to you.
I used to be one.
If you weren't trying to steal Patty, then what were you up to? I thought this was all about revenge.
Oh, it was.
Just not how you think.
You thought you were coming down here so I'd help you get an edge.
You gave me the edge, because now I've seen all Patty's weaknesses, and yours.
You're the only competition I've ever been worried about.
And now, I know exactly how to beat you.
Beat me? I thought you weren't coaching anymore.
Oh, I am getting back into coaching, just not with your girl.
Remember Roxy? I'm gonna to take her all the way to Miss American Lady.
We're gonna ruin you, baby.
I know you're in love with Bob.
- What? No, I'm not - I know.
Because I was too.
We had an affair 20 years ago.
He gave me this necklace.
Now I'm giving it to you.
You know what to do.
[Patty.]
It was like manna from heaven.
Stella Rose wasn't my competition.
She was my ammunition.
To break up Bob's marriage, and have him all to myself.