Inside Comedy (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

[music.]
- YOU'RE FROM MASSACHUSETTS, IS THAT RIGHT? - I AM.
- I WANT YOU TO KNOW, THAT'S THE ONLY BIOGRAPHICAL THING I KNOW ABOUT YOU.
- THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.
- [laughing.]
OKAY, 'CAUSE I-- - BECAUSE THAT PRETTY MUCH SAYS IT ALL.
THAT SUMS ME UP.
I'M FROM-- THEY CALL THEM "MASS-HOLES.
" - [laughing.]
OH, REALLY? - YEAH.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
I CAN'T EVEN DO A MASSACHUSETTS ACCENT.
I CAN'T DO ONE.
MY WIFE GREW UP THERE.
SHE CAN DO A GREAT MASSACHUSETTS ACCENT, AND I'M SORT OF, "PAHK THE CAH IN HAHVAHD.
" IT'S TERRIBLE.
- [laughs.]
DO YOU DO ACCENTS AT ALL? LIKE, COULD YOU DO A-- DID YOU EVER DO A CHARACTER-- - OH, YEAH, I'M REALLY GOOD AT ACCENTS.
- YEAH.
- YEAH, I'M REALLY-- I'M REALLY PROFICIENT.
- [laughs.]
- BUT I'M NOT GONNA DO ONE.
I DON'T KNOW, I'VE NEVER DONE-- LIKE A LEGITIMATE-- I--YOU ALWAYS DO COMEDIC ACCENTS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE IN DESPICABLE ME.
THERE'S NO ACCENT THERE, THAT'S JUST SORT OF-- I FLEW OVER SORT OF EASTERN EUROPE, AND THAT'S THE ACCENT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S EVERYWHERE FROM RUSSIA TO GERMANY TO-- I MEAN, IT'S A HYBRID.
- DO IT, DO IT.
I WANNA HEAR IT, I WANNA HEAR-- - THE AC-- THE ACCENT FROM DESPICABLE ME IS SOMETHING LIKE, "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD!" THERE'S NOTHING--NOTHING ACTUALLY LEGITIMATE ABOUT THAT.
- NO, IT SOUNDS JUST LOUD.
- IT'S-- [laughs.]
THAT'S-- THAT COVERS A LOT OF IT.
- [laughs.]
- I WAS BAD IN THE MOVIE, BECAUSE IT WAS A CHOICE.
THAT PERSON AS A CHARACTER IS A BAD ACTOR.
- YEAH, 'CAUSE IT'S NEVER YOU.
- IT ISN'T, NO.
IT IS A PART OF WHO YOU ARE, BUT IT'S NOT YOU.
- NO, NO.
- I GET ASKED THAT, TOO.
"HOW MUCH OF YOU IS IN THAT CHARACTER?" - 32%.
- [laughs.]
- I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER TO THAT.
- [laughs.]
ALL THESE TOUGH CHARACTERS THAT YOU PLAY, HOW DID THAT START? - I WAS IN THERAPY, AND, UM, I WAS VERY ANGRY ABOUT SOMEONE PASSING ME ON THE BIKE PATH, AND HOW THERE ARE RULES IN THIS WORLD, AND IF YOU'RE GONNA PASS ON THE LEFT, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T--MMM.
AND, UM, SHE STARTED TO LAUGH, AND SHE SAID, "YOU HAVE TO WRITE A MONOLOGUE ABOUT THAT," AND I DID, AND YOU KNOW, THAT'S SOMETHING LIKE MY SHADOW.
IT'S SOMETHING I'M KIND OF EMBARRASSED OF, THAT I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT, YOU KNOW, OF EVERYBODY HAVING TO FOLLOW THE RULES, AND IT JUST TURNED INTO THIS CHARACTER THAT I-- I DID A SHOW AROUND IT, AND IT STILL MAKES ME LAUGH.
MY FRIENDS STILL BRING IT UP.
REMEMBER-- AND I DID HER WITH, LIKE, A NECK BRACE.
YOU KNOW, SHE DOES THE ULTIMATE VICTIM, AND-- - UH-HUH.
- YEAH, IT'S THE-- THAT'S THE STUFF.
YOU DON'T THINK IT'S THE STUFF YOU'RE GONNA USE, BUT THAT'S THE GOLD.
- NO.
WELL, WHERE DOES THAT COME FROM IN YOU, WHERE YOU HAVE TO BE A-ACCORDING TO THE RULES? IS THIS SORT OF THIS CATHOLIC UPBRINGING THAT YOU'VE HAD? - YEAH, I THINK IT'S PROBABLY THAT CATHOLIC UPBRINGING OF-- YOU KNOW, THE--YOU DO THINGS IN A CERTAIN WAY, AND EVERYBODY AGREES THAT YOU DO THEM IN THIS WAY, AND THEN YOU'VE GOT SOME, YOU KNOW, REBEL WHO'S GOING OFF, PASSING YOU ON THE WRONG SIDE, AND, YOU KNOW, SOMEONE COULD GET HURT.
[laughter.]
- SO IF SOMEONE BREAKS THE RULES, THAT WOULD, LIKE, SET YOU OFF.
IS THAT WHAT YOU-- - EXACTLY.
AND YOU KNOW, THE AUDIENCE LOVES THAT STUFF, 'CAUSE IT'S IN US.
- RIGHT.
- WE ALL HAVE THAT STUFF.
- YES.
- WE NEED TO LAUGH AT THAT STUFF.
- YEAH, AND NOW DO YOU IMPROVISE? LIKE, ON GLEE, DO-- I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU DON'T IMPROVISE A LITTLE BIT.
- I CAN'T IMPROVISE SUE SYLVESTER, SHE'S SO WORDY.
- UH-HUH.
- YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T BEGIN TO IMPROVISE THAT CHARACTER.
- IT'S A TOUGH COACH.
- SHE'S A TOUGH CHEERLEADING COACH - CHEERLEADING COACH, RIGHT.
- AND SHE'S BASICALLY-- YOU KNOW, SHE'S THE NEMESIS AND SHE'S OUT TO DESTROY NOT ONLY THE GLEE CLUB, BUT ANYTHING IN HER PATH.
THIS IS WHAT WE CALL A TOTAL DISASTER, LADIES.
I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO SMELL YOUR ARMPITS.
- [sniffing.]
- THAT'S THE SMELL OF FAILURE, AND IT'S STINKING UP MY OFFICE.
I'M REVOKING YOUR TANNING PRIVILEGES FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER.
- [sobbing.]
OH, NO.
I'M S-- [sobs.]
NO! - WHEN YOU WENT TO JON STEWART, WAS COLBERT THERE AT THE TIME? - HE WAS THERE, YEAH.
HE--STEPHEN REALLY GOT ME THE JOB.
STEPHEN--I WAS LIVING IN LOS ANGELES DOING VERY, VERY BAD PILOTS FOR TERRIBLE TV SHOWS, AND STEPHEN CALLED OUT OF THE BLUE, AND SAID "THEY'RE LOOKING.
" AND SO I GOT ON THE LIST AND I DID A FIELD PIECE, AND IT WORKED OUT WELL, AND THEN I MOVED TO NEW YORK AFTER THAT.
- AND WHAT WAS YOUR CHARACTER AS A CORRESPONDENT? - I MY MIND, HE WAS A GUY WHO HAD DONE NATIONAL NEWS REPORTING, BUT HAD FALLEN FROM GRACE SOMEHOW, AND WAS NOW RELEGATED TO THIS TERRIBLE CABLE NEWS SHOW, AND WAS VERY BITTER ABOUT IT, AND FELT THAT HE WAS BETTER, BUT HE WASN'T.
- SO GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF-- LIKE A KIND OF-- - SO--SO I WENT TO A KLINGON SPEAKERS' CONVENTION, AND IT WAS A GROUP OF PEOPLE [laughing.]
WHO WOULD GET TOGETHER, AND THEY HAD CREATED THE KLINGON LANGUAGE BASED UPON STAR TREK EPISODES-- - OH, GOD.
SO THEY HAD A WHOLE LANGUAGE THAT THEY WOULD-- ONLY--THEY WOULD DRESS AS KLINGONS AND MEET ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR AND SPEAK KLINGON TO EACH OTHER.
DO PEOPLE SAY, "OH, LOOK AT THEM, THEY'RE SPEAKING KLINGON, THEY'RE IDIOTS?" - KLINGON SPEAKERS, PARTICULARLY THOSE WITH THE FULL FOREHEAD AND ALL, ARE VERY EASILY SINGLED-OUT.
- WHILE THEY MAY LOOK LIKE YOU AND ME, THEY'RE NOT.
[singing in Klingon.]
THEY'RE KLINGON SPEAKERS, AND ONCE A YEAR, THEY GATHER AT A BEST WESTERN IN PENNSYLVANIA TO PLAY CLASSIC KLINGON GAMES, LIKE CHARADES.
- PSH! PSH! PSH! - BAHTCH.
- "BAHTCH.
" - BAHTCH! IF I WERE ON THE PLANET KLINGON, AND I WANTED TO SAY, "WHERE'S THE NEAREST BATHROOM," HOW WOULD I SAY THAT? - NOOK DACH OCHH POOCH PAH EH.
- "NOOK DACH OCHH-CHH POOCH PAH EH.
" - YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF "CHUH" AND "KCHUH" SOUNDS, SOME OF THEM, YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE CHOKING.
IH KCHHH.
- KKCCHH.
- IH KCHHH.
- SO YOU DID THIS FOR HOW LONG? HOW LONG WERE YOU THERE? - UM, FOUR YEARS.
FOUR AND A HALF, ALTOGETHER.
- WOW, WHAT--YOU HAD GOOD COMEDY TRAINING.
SECOND CITY AND THEN THIS IS-- - THAT WAS GREAT, BECAUSE YOU REALLY WENT OUT INTO THE FIELD NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING TO BE FUNNY.
AND WE ACTUALLY DID A PIECE THAT WE THREW A DART AT A MAP AND JUST WENT TO THAT PLACE, LIKE LITERALLY GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR, "HAS ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?" AND THAT WAS TOUGH, 'CAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE ONE DAY TO SHOOT IT - OH, MY GOD.
- YOU COME BACK WITH ALL THE FOOTAGE, TRY TO COBBLE SOMETHING TOGETHER.
MUCH LIKE THIS SHOW.
- [laughing.]
YES, EXACTLY.
- YOU JUST DON'T KNOW, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET.
YOU KNOW, WE JUST HAVE THIS INTERVIEW, AND IF YOU CAN FIND LIKE ONE LITTLE MORSEL - YES.
- LIKE ME DOING THAT REALLY FUNNY ACCENT, YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE INTERVIEW COULD JUST BE THAT.
- [laughing.]
YES.
- THAT'S GOLD.
- YEAH, THAT'S GOLD, IT IS GOLD.
- IT REALLY IS.
- AND WHAT WAS YOUR FAMILY, PARENTS--WHERE DO YOU COME FROM? - UM, MY DAD WAS A BANKER, AND MY GRANDPARENTS ARE FRESH OFF THE BOAT.
EVERYBODY'S IN CHICAGO, AND THEY ALL HAVE CHILDREN, EVERYBODY DID THE CONVENTIONAL THING, AND, UM, I KNEW I WAS-- I KNEW I WAS DIFFERENT.
- RIGHT.
- I KNEW I DID NOT FIT IN.
AND, BOY, DID I WANT TO FIT IN.
- YOU DID? - YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO JUST-- I WANTED TO WANT WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WANTED, BUT I DIDN'T.
- RIGHT.
- AND, UM, THERE WAS CERTAINLY NOBODY SAYING, "YOU CAN DO THIS, JANE.
" IT WAS LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JANE?" [laughs.]
"WHAT MAKES YOU--" I REMEMBER MY MOTHER WHEN I WAS 12, AND SHE HATES WHEN I BRING THIS UP, 'CAUSE SHE FEELS SO BAD ABOUT IT, BUT I WAS SITTING AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE, AND I WAS LOOKING AT LISTS OF AGENTS IN CHICAGO, AND I WAS ABOUT 12.
- [laughs.]
- AND SHE SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" AND SHE SAID, "UHH! YOU CAN'T ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
" SHE GOES, "LIFE IS TOUGH, AND SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, "THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO GET TO BE ACTORS, BUT YOU'RE NOT ONE OF 'EM," AND I CRIED.
- OH, GOD.
- OH, I JUST-- IT WAS AS IF YOU TOOK MY WHOLE LIFE'S PURPOSE AND SAID, "YOU CAN'T DO IT.
" - WELL, YOU USE IT NOW.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
'CAUSE ALL THAT--THAT STUFF WILL INFORM YOUR WORK.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- YEAH.
- SO WHEN YOU'RE WORKING WITH A DIRECTOR LIKE CHRISTOPHER GUEST, THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT STYLE.
HOW DO YOU DO THAT? - I MEAN, YOU SHOW UP KNOWING YOUR CHARACTER INSIDE AND OUT, AND YOU HAVE TO GO OFF AND DO IT ON YOUR OWN, AND THEN HE JUST, YOU KNOW, SAYS, "GO FOR IT," AND WE DON'T REHEARSE, HE JUST ROLLS THE CAMERA IMMEDIATELY, AND VERY LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT.
[laughter.]
HE'LL JUST GO, "THANK YOU.
" AND IT'S LIKE, "WAS IT FUNNY? WAS IT FUNNY?" UM, AND, UH, YOU KNOW, WE GET A REGULAR SCRIPT, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY DIALOGUE.
- RIGHT.
- SO, UH, SOMETIMES YOU'LL TALK TO YOUR PARTNERS, YOU KNOW, WHO YOU'RE ACTING WITH.
LIKE JENNIFER COOLIDGE AND I KIND OF TALKED A LOT, AND WE HAD IDEAS, AND THE BEST JOKE WON.
YOU KNOW? THAT KIND OF THING.
- RIGHT.
- [squealing.]
- HI.
- WITH SHERRI ANN, WE HAVE THIS FANTASTIC FRIENDSHIP, TOO.
- MM-HMM.
- IT'S REALLY GREAT.
AND WE HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A FAMILY DYNAMIC GOING HERE, AND IT PRETTY MUCH MIRRORS WHAT I GREW UP WITH, YOU KNOW? MY FATHER WAS THE, UH, THE TASKMASTER-- - WHICH IS-- - THE DISCIPLINARIAN, WHICH IS WHAT I DO-- I'M THE MOMMY/DADDY.
- TOTAL DISCIPLINARIAN.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- LIKE, MR.
PUNISHMENT.
[laughter.]
- OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, AND I ALSO REWARD.
BUT, UM, SHERRI'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
YOU KNOW, JUST-- - AND THE DECORATIVE ABILITIES.
- EXACTLY, THE HEART AND THE SOUL, YOU KNOW, WHICH IS WHAT MY MOTHER DID, AND THAT WAS HER JOB.
YOU KNOW, SHE WAS THERE FOR THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
- MMM.
- AND IT WORKED FOR MY FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, UNTIL MY MOM COMMITTED SUICIDE IN '81.
- MMM.
- YOU KNOW, THE OFFICE, WERE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT THE FACT THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER SHOW THAT-- - YEAH.
I--WELL, THE ODDS WERE REALLY AGAINST US, AND EVERYONE SAID, "THIS WILL NEVER WORK.
" AS WELL AS IT MIGHT GO, YOU'RE UP AGAINST SOME PRETTY STIFF UM, MEMORY, YOU KNOW.
IT'S--AND I HATE TO USE THE WORD, BUT IN A LOT OF PEOPLE'S MINDS, IT WAS AN ICONIC SHOW.
- SURE, IT WAS.
- AND TO-- AND TO TRY TO RECREATE THAT, WE KNEW WE WERE GONNA BE DECIMATED BY CRITICS, FANS OF THE ORIGINAL SHOW WOULDN'T LIKE IT.
BUT I APPROACHED IT THINKING, "YOU KNOW WHAT? "IF IT'S HALF AS GOOD-- 'CAUSE THE ORIGINAL'S SO GREAT-- IF IT'S HALF AS GOOD AS THAT, IT'S STILL A PRETTY GOOD SHOW.
" - BUT IT IS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT SHOW.
- YES, IT IS A CLASSIC IN ITS OWN RIGHT.
- [laughing.]
YES.
YES, I MEANT TO SAY THAT.
- I--WELL, I DID, 'CAUSE I PICKED UP YOUR VIBE.
- NO, I JUST-- - I KNOW YOU MEANT TO LEAD WITH THAT.
- I DID, I WANTED TO SAY-- - THE AMERICAN OFFICE, A CLASSIC.
- A CLASSIC IN ITS OWN RIGHT.
[laughter.]
YES.
- IT TURNED OUT WELL.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FORTUNATELY--IT TOOK SOME TIME, BUT PEOPLE-- PEOPLE DID FIND IT.
- UH, NOW TELL ME ABOUT WILL FERRELL, 'CAUSE YOU JUST, UH YOU DID THE MOVIE WITH HIM, RIGHT? - I DID ANCHORMAN WITH HIM.
- ANCHORMAN, AND - I DID A LITTLE, TINY PART ON A WOODY ALLEN MOVIE THAT HE DID, CALLED MELINDA AND MELINDA.
- OH, REALLY? - MY ONE-- - REALLY? - YEAH, MY-- - YOU AND WILL FERRELL WERE IN-- WERE BOTH IN THIS WOODY ALLEN MOVIE? - I JUST HAD A COUPLE-- I PLAYED HIS BEST FRIEND.
ANDTHAT WAS A SURREAL EXPERIENCE.
- AND DID HE DIRECT YOU? I MEAN, DID HE SAY ANYTHING TO YOU? DID HE--'CAUSE--'CAUSE HE'S KNOWN NOT TO DO THAT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID? I--I DID ONE TAKE WHERE I HAD WHAT I THOUGHT WAS SORT OF A FUNNY LINE.
AND I SORT OF CHUCKLED AT THE LINE.
AND AFTER THE TAKE HE SAID, "DON'T-- DON'T LAUGH AT YOURSELF IN A MOVIE, EVER.
" - OH.
OH.
- "THE AUDIENCE IN THE THEATER "WILL THINK IT'S FUNNY.
YOUR CHARACTER DOESN'T THINK IT'S FUNNY.
" - AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT? - PEED MY PANTS.
I JUST [laughter.]
- IT'S SOOKAY.
- IT'S SUCH A BASIC RULE.
- I-I JUST, I WAS SO IT WAS A CHOICE.
AND IT WAS A REALLY ILL-ADVISED CHOICE.
AND, YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T-- THERE WAS NOT A PEEP OF LAUGHTER FROM ME FOR THE REST OF-- - FOR THE WHOLE SHOOT.
- AND I DON'T KNOW-- I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL'S EXPERIENCE WAS WITH IT, UM BECAUSE WE HAD JUST DONE ANCHORMAN TOGETHER, AND THAT WAS VERY FREEWHEELING.
- YES, AND ANCHORMAN WERE YOU AND WILL FERRELL, WOULD YOU IMPROVISE A LITTLE BIT OR - WE ALL IMPROVISED A LOT.
AND I-- - THAT WAS SUCH A FUNNY MOVIE.
- IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.
I LAUGHED UNTIL I CRIED EVERY DAY.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- AND WILL IS SUCH A GREAT IMPROVISER.
- WELL, HE GOES FULL OUT.
- ALL THE TIME.
- I MEAN, HE'S LIKE--HE GOES ZERO TO 60 - YEAH.
- EVERYWH--ALL THE TIME.
- IT JUST--AND IT WAS SUCH AN ABSURD MOVIE.
AND HE, YOU KNOW-- HE'S WALKING AROUND WITH A FULL BEARD.
- YES.
- DRINKING OUT OF A MILK CONTAINER, SAYING, "YEAH, MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE.
" THAT'S JUST SUCH AN ABSURD THING TO SAY.
- YEAH.
- BUT IT'S AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S FUNNY, BUT IT JUSTIS.
- YEAH.
- AND, UH THAT WAS--I DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF LINES.
I HAD VERY FEW LINES ON THE PAGE.
AND, UH, ADAM MCKAY, THE DIRECTOR, BEFORE A SCENE WOULD WOULD COME TO ME AND SAY, "JUST SAY ANYTHING.
AT THE END OF THE SCENE, SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.
" - [laughing.]
- DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.
SO I'D SAY THINGS LIKE, YOU KNOW, "I-I ATE A BIG, RED CANDLE," OR AND IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
BUT SOMEHOW, IT WOUND UP IN THE MOVIE.
- IT DID? - YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
LIKE A LOT OF THAT STUFF, I - "I ATE A BIG, RED CANDLE" WAS IN THE MOVIE? - THAT'S IN THE MOVIE.
OR, AT ONE POINT I STARTED JUST LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM AND THINKING ABOUT THINKING ABOUT MY KIDS, AND I WOULD--I KIND OF BASED MY CHARACTER ON THEM.
ANDI WAS TALKING ABOUT LOVE.
WE WERE ALL TALKING ABOUT WHAT LOVE IS.
AND I JUST SAID-- I SAW A LAMP IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, AND I SAID, "I LOVE LAMP.
" "YOU LOVE LAMP, BRICK?" "I LOVE LAMP.
" AND THEN I SAW A TABLE, AND I SAID, "AND I LOVE TABLE.
" AND WILL WILL'S SO--HE JUST SAID, "BRICK, YOU'RE JUST "LOOKING AT THINGS IN THE ROOM AND SAYING THAT YOU LOVE THEM.
" "YES, I AM.
" BUT THAT'S, YOU KNOW.
THAT WAS IN THE MOVIE.
IT WAS JUST RIDICULOUS FUN.
AND IT WAS A MOVIE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HEART AND NO SENTIMENT, AND THAT WAS FUN.
YOU KNOW, TO NOT TRY TO INFUSE IT WITH ANYTHING.
IT WAS JUST STUPID.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
JUST BE AS STUPID-- BE AS STUPID AS YOU WANNA BE - JUST STUPID AS YOU WANNA BE.
- IS A GREAT LUXURY.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
- EXCUSE ME.
VERONICA.
- AHEM.
- YES, WHAT IS IT, BRICK? - I WOULD LIKE TO EXTEND TO YOU AN INVITATION TO THE PANTS PARTY.
- EXCUSE ME? - THEPARTY.
THE PANTS-- WITH THE PANTS.
PARTY WITH PANTS? - BRICK, ARE YOU SAYING THAT THERE'S A PARTY IN YOUR PANTS, AND THAT I'M INVITED? - THAT'S IT.
- HM.
- DID BRIAN TELL YOU TO SAY THIS, BRICK? - NO.
YES, HE DID.
- OKAY.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY IN YOUR PANTS.
- VERY WELL.
IAN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO A PARTY IN MY PANTS? - NO, BRICK.
- ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO! - ALL RIGHT.
NOW [crash.]
ALL RIGHT! I'M ALL RIGHT! - AND YOU WORKED WITH JUDD APATOW, RIGHT? - YEAH.
- AND WHAT--WHAT-- 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN, IS THAT WHAT YOU DID? - YEAH.
STEVE CARELL AND NANCY WALLS WERE AT, UM, SECOND CITY AT THE SAME TIME I WAS.
AND THEY'RE MARRIED.
BUT I WAS WITH STEVE ON HIS VERY FIRST GIG IN THE TOURING COMPANY, AND HE WAS BRILLIANT.
LIKE WE ALL WENT, "OHH, THAT GUY IS REALLY GOOD.
" BUT HE WAS ALWAYS THE NICEST GUY IN THE ROOM, AND VERY SWEET.
AND SO STEVE WAS DOING THIS MOVIE, AND, UH, NANCY SAID TO HIM, HIS WIFE SAID, "YOU NEED MORE WOMEN IN THIS MOVIE.
IT'S JUST IT'S NOT FAIR.
" 'CAUSE IT WAS ALL GUYS.
- THIS WAS 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN? - RIGHT, AND HE SAID, "READ JANE FOR THE STORE MANAGER.
YOU SHOULD HAVE JANE LYNCH COME IN FOR THAT.
" - SO THERE--IT TURNED OUT TO BE, YOU KNOW, IN THE, UH, AUDITION, STEVE AND I CAME UP WITH THE THING WHERE, YOU KNOW, WE IMPROVISED, AND WE DECIDE, YOU KNOW, THAT I WOULD OFFER TO DE-VIRGINIZE HIM.
- OH, TO DEVIRGIN--YES.
- YOU KNOW, IN MY OFFICE, TO MICHAEL MCDONALD.
- YES, RIGHT.
- AND, UM, UH, SO THAT ENDED UP IN THE SCRIPT, AND THEN ENDED UP, YOU KNOW, WE PLAYED AROUND WITH THAT.
SO THAT WAS NANCY WALLS, SO I THANK HER FOR THAT.
YOU KNOW, ANDY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.
I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A SOLUTION FOR YOU.
- HMM.
- YOU EVER HEARD OF THE TERM FUCK BUDDY? - WHA--? - IT'S A SPECIAL FRIEND WHO YOU FUCK.
- NO, I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT TERM.
- WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, I DEVELOPED EARLY.
BY THE TIME I WAS 14, I HAD THIS BODY YOU'RE LOOKING AT.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? - I DON'T WANT TO, NO.
- WELL, NEEDLESS TO SAY, A LOT OF MALE ATTENTION.
- I BET, YES.
- ESPECIALLY FROM OUR GUATEMALAN GARDENER JAVIER.
- SURE.
- I REMEMBER, WHEN I WAS GROWING UP IN CANADA, MARTIN AND LEWIS WERE-- THOSE MOVIES WERE AROUND, WITH JERRY LEWIS AND DEAN MARTIN.
AND I REMEMBER SEEING THEM WHEN I WAS A KID, AND I THOUGHT, "THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING.
" - NO, I WAS A BIG MARTIN-LEWIS FAN TOO.
- YOU WERE? - YEAH, I WAS A-- I WAS A HUGE FAN.
- YOU KNOW, HE WAS TALL, JERRY LEWIS.
BUT EVERYONE ALWAYS THOUGHT OF HIM AS SMALLER THAN DEAN MARTIN.
- OH, REALLY? - AND HE WOULD DO THINGS TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK SMALLER.
'CAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WASN'T APPROPRIATE FOR A COMEDIAN-- - THAT'S WHAT I DO.
THAT'S WHAT I DO TOO.
I TRY TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK SMALLER.
BECAUSE I'D BE TOO IMPRESSIVE.
ESPECIALLY LIKE WALKING A RED CARPET.
I TRY TO HUNCH OVER AND LOOK--LOOK TINY.
- IT WOULD BE OVERWHELMING IF YOU DIDN'T DO THAT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NOT FUNNY.
SOMEONE WHO'S TALL AND GOOD-LOOKING, THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
- IT'S TOO MUCH.
- IT'S TOO MUCH-- YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS INTERESTING, THOUGH, WHEN A COMEDIAN BECOMES REALLY RIPPED - YES.
- THEY LOSE ABOUT - I COULDN'T--I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.
- BECAUSE I THINK-- AND I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHY, BUT I THINK YOU LOOK AT-- - NO.
- WELL, YOU SORT OF HATE THEM, FOR ONE THING.
- YES.
- LIKE, "HOW DARE YOU TO BECOME HANDSOME AND--AND HEALTHY?" - YES.
- UM BUT I THINK IT'S ALSO KIND OF A SELF-CENTEREDNESS.
- YES.
YES.
- THAT TO--IN ORDER TO ATTAIN THAT SORT OF BODY, YOU REALLY HAVE TO DEVOTE YOURSELF TO WORKING OUT AND OBSERVING YOURSELF WORKING OUT.
SO THERE'S A-- IT'S ALL TIED TOGETHER.
- I AGREE WITH THAT.
YOU KNOW, IT-- I USED TO WATCH THE TONIGHT SHOW, AND I REMEMBER ONE COMEDIAN IN PARTICULAR, WHO I WON'T MENTION, HE-- I WAS HAVING LUNCH WITH HIM, AND HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, I NOTICE, WHEN I WATCH MYSELF ON TELEVISION, THAT I'M NOT JUST FUNNY, I'M GOOD-LOOKING.
" AND I THOUGHT, "WE'RE NEVER GONNA HEAR FROM THIS PERSON AGAIN.
" - [laughing.]
- AND--AND HIS CAREER DIDN'T GO UP, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T THINK OF YOURSELF THAT WAY.
- SOMEONE DIDN'T ACTUALLY SAY THAT TO YOU.
- ABSOLUTELY.
- IN CONVERSATION? - IN-- - SOMEONE SAID, "I'M NOT ONLY FUNNY, BUT I'M GOOD-LOOKING?" - ABSOLUTELY, AND WAS SERIOUS.
- CHECK, PLEASE! [laughter.]
- YES.
- WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO-- LIKE, HOW--HOW DOES SOMEONE NAVIGATE LIFE WITH THAT ATTITUDE ABOUT THEMSELVES? - WELL, YOU KNOW-- - AND THEY'RE WILLING TO EXPRESS IT.
PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT THEMSELVES, BUT TO ACTUALLY SAY TO SOMEONE-- AND WERE YOU FRIENDS OF JUST ACQUAINTANCES? - NO, NO, WE WERE FRIENDS.
WE WERE FRIENDS.
- SO YOU SAY TO YOUR FRIEND, "DAMN IT, DAVID, "YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN' ABOUT ME.
" [laughs.]
- YEAH.
- "I'M--I AM SO GOOD-LOOKING.
"RIGHT? AND FUNNY.
"AND SO INTELLIGENT.
ANYWAY, HOW HAS YOUR DAY BEEN?" YOU KNOW, THAT'S LIKE A CRAZY THING TO SAY ABOUT YOURSELF.
- I MEAN, I-I KNEW WHEN HE SAID IT TO ME, WHICH IS NOW MAYBE THAT I'D REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION FOREVER.
- RIGHT, AND THEY HAVE NO IDEA.
HE PROBABLY DOESN'T REMEMBER SAYING IT.
- NO, NOT AT ALL.
- AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET HE'S NOT GOOD-LOOKING ANYMORE.
- [laughing.]
NO.
- HE'S OLD AND CRUSTY, AND JUST LAYERS OF SKIN.
- GOD TAKES CARE OF THAT.
- [laughing.]
YEAH, THAT IS TRUE.
- 'CAUSE HE'S LISTENING TOO, AND HE WON'T LET YOU BE GOOD-LOOKING ANYMORE.
- I DON'T-- - AND HE WASN'T THAT GOOD-LOOKING ANYWAY.
- SEE? RIGHT.
BUT HE HAD A HEALTHY EGO.
AND I GUESS THAT'S THE BATTLE.
- THAT--THAT-- - I'M NEVER GOING TO BE IN GOOD SHAPE.
AND IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE I WANT TO REMAIN, UH - FUNNY.
- FUNNY.
AND--AND-- I JUST--I WANNA BE EMPLOYABLE.
[early jazz music.]
[music.]
- SO WHO-- WHO WERE THE INFLUENCES? WHO WERE YOU-- WHO WERE YOU SEEING THAT YOU WANTED TO BE LIKE, AND-- - UM, MY PARENTS, THE-- ST.
JUDE WAS OUR PARISH, AND THEY DID THIS THING CALLED "PORT OF CALL.
" UM, YOU'D MOVE FROM ROOM TO ROOM, AND EVERYBODY GOT DRUNK, AND IT WAS A BIG, YOU KNOW.
AND EVERYBODY WORE MAKEUP, LIKE STAGE MAKEUP.
AND THERE WAS DANCING AND SINGING, AND THEY HAD TO REHEARSE FOR IT.
AND SOMEONE HAD TO WRITE THE SHOW.
AND I WAS BESIDE MYSELF.
I LOVED IT SO MUCH.
- RIGHT.
- I WENT EVERY YEAR.
MY PARENTS LOVED TO DO IT.
UM, AND I REMEMBER, IT WAS ABOUT AND THEY WERE STILL PERFORMING.
AND I FELT MYSELF, LIKE, LIFT OUT OF MY BODY IN, LIKE, JOY, GOING, "I'M EXACTLY WHERE I NEED TO BE.
" THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO.
I WANT TO PUT ON SHOWS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
- AND HOW OLD WERE YOU? - OH, EIGHT, NINE.
- EIGHT, NINE? REALLY? - YEAH.
- SO YOU REALLY KNEW IT THEN? - OH, I KNEW, YEAH.
BUT I KNEW THAT THAT'S WHAT I WANTED.
I WANTED TO WEAR THAT MAKEUP, YOU KNOW.
UM, I WANTED TO PUT ON THOSE FISHNETS.
- RIGHT.
[both laugh.]
- I WANTED TO DO THE WHOLE THING.
I WANTED TO SING AND - AND THEN, WHEN YOU GOT A LITTLE OLDER AND YOU LOOKED AROUND, DID-- WHAT TELEVISION SHOWS? LIKE WHAT CO-- WHAT COMEDIANS DID-- WAIT, WAS CAROL BURNETT ON-- - OH, THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW.
CAROL BURNETT WAS-- - FUNNIEST WOMAN YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- SHE WAS JUST OUT THERE.
AND, YOU KNOW, I DID A MOVIE WITH HER A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.
- OH, REALLY? - SO I GOT TO SPEND TIME WITH HER.
AND, UM, SHE IS WONDERFUL.
- SHE'S THE MOST DELIGHTFUL-- - IN YOUR FANTASIES, SHE IS.
YEAH, SHE'S THE MOST DELIGHTFUL PERSON.
- DELIGHTFUL PERSON.
- AND SHE LOVES TO TELL STORIES.
SHE LOVES TO TELL STORIES ABOUT THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW, AND TIM, WHAT TIM CONWAY DID, AND - YES.
- DID YOU KNOW THAT LYLE WAGGONER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR TRAILERS? - YES, I DO KNOW THAT.
- THOSE HONEY WAGONS.
- YEAH.
YEAH.
- THAT'S HIS COMPANY.
HE'S LIKE A MILLIONAIRE MANY, MANY, MANY TIMES OVER.
- A MULTIMILLIONAIRE, YEAH.
- OVER THOSE THINGS.
- I ALWAYS WAS, YOU KNOW, I WAS AROUND, UH, THESE LOUSY WAGONS, AND I NEVER THOUGHT TO MAKE THEM THE STEINBERG WAGONS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
- HE HAS THE PERFECT NAME FOR IT.
WAGGONER.
- WAGGONER, YEAH.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE CALLED STAR WAGGONS.
IT'S SPELLED JUST LIKE HIS NAME.
- YEAH.
BUT THERE'S SO MUCH OF CAROL BURNETT IN YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE IN-- YOU'RE IN THAT CAROL BURNETT STYLE, REALLY.
- OH, WELL, THANK YOU.
THAT'S VERY HIGH PRAISE.
UM, I, YOU KNOW, HER CHARACTERS ALWAYS TAKE SOMETHING THAT IS EXTREME.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOTHING-- AND I GUESS THAT'S ALL COMEDY IS, THAT YOU KIND OF PUSH IT.
BUT SHE'LL FIND, LIKE, MRS.
WIGGINS, WITH THE BIG BUTT.
- YES.
- YOU KNOW, AND THE SCARLETT O'HARA, WAS JUST, "BRAAAH," YOU KNOW.
EVERYTHING WAS HUGE, AND THE BIG, YOU KNOW - WEARING THE-- - THE DRAPES WITH THE CURTAIN ROD.
YEAH.
- YEAH.
BUT WHEN YOU WERE LIKING THEM, YOU WERE JUST LIKING THEM BECAUSE THEY CONNECTED WITH YOU, NOT THAT YOU WERE THINKING, "I'LL BE THAT" OR-- - I DID THINK I WOULD BE THAT.
- YOU DID THINK THAT? - SO--SO YOU-- - I DIDN'T KNOW HOW.
- YEAH.
- BUT I--THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
I WANTED TO DO THAT.
THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO DO.
- SO WHO ELSE? WHO ELSE WERE YOUR INFLUENCES? - I--I WAS A BIG STEVE MARTIN FAN.
- YEAH.
- AND I WOULD LISTEN TO HIS ALBUMS OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
AND I'D TAKE THE NEEDLE AND I'D GO BACK, AND--AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY IT WAS MAKING ME LAUGH.
I DON'T THINK, AT THE TIME, I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING, BUT I WAS REALLY STUDYINGHIM.
AND HOW HE WAS, UM, TURNING COMEDY AROUND.
I THINK HE WAS SORT OF AN ANTI-COMEDIAN TO ME.
- YEAH, YEAH, HE WAS.
AND--AND HE WAS SILLY, LIKE - VERY SILLY.
- JOYFUL IN SOME WAYS.
- JOYFUL, SILLY, BUT THERE WAS SUCH AN INTELLIGENCE BEHIND THE SILLINESS.
AND I THINK THAT'S WHAT WAS DIFFERENT TO ME.
AND ALSO PEOPLE LIKE, YOU KNOW, BILL COSBY AND GEORGE CARLIN AND RICHARD PRYOR.
AND--AND AGAIN, JUST LISTENING TO THOSE ALBUMS AND HOW-- 'CAUSE I NEVER-- I NEVER BECAME A STANDUP.
I NEVER, UM, THOUGHT THAT THAT WAS ANYTHING I WOULD BE GOOD AT.
BUT I WAS FASCINATED BY IT.
- WELL, THAT-- THAT'S-- THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO JUST PEOPLE LIKE US.
- YEAH.
- MOST PEOPLE JUST ENJOY COMEDY AND JUST LAUGH AT IT.
YOU'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW IT WORKS AND HOW TO PUT IT TOGETHER AND - YEAH, SORT OF DISSECT IT.
AND IT'S LIKE-- WHICH IS WHICH IS AN ODD THING TO DO.
I--IF SOMEONE ASKED ME, YOU KNOW, "HOW--WELL, HOW DO YOU GO ABOUT DOING SOMETHING?" I FIND IT VERY DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE IT TAKES AWAY ALL THE JOY.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, IT'S PULLING THAT CURTAIN BACK.
YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT WENT INTO IT.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE THESE, UH, THESE DVD EXTRA - [laughs.]
YES.
- YOU KNOW, UM THE COMMENTARIES.
- YES.
- I HATE THOSE, AND I HATE DOING THEM.
BECAUSE, TO ME, IT'S TAKING AWAY THE MAGIC OF IT ALL.
- IT SPOILS THE ILLUSION.
- I THINK SO.
"WELL, I WAS SO SICK WHEN I WAS SHOOTING THIS SCENE.
" - [laughing.]
- "AND, OH, I, YOU KNOW, "AND I REALLY HAD TO PEE.
"SO YOU CAN SEE THAT IN MY FACE, RIGHT? YOU CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE!" LIKE I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT.
I DON'T TO KNOW MERYL STREEP HAD TO PEE DURING THAT SCENE.
IT'S LIKE, "NO, NO.
THAT WAS BRILLIANT.
" NO, SHE JUST REALLY HAD TO PEE, AND THAT'S WHY IT WAS SO GOOD.
LIKE, GOD! AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS A GOOD ACTRESS.
- [laughing.]
YES.
- UM - YEAH.
- SO THAT-- I'M NOT A BIG-- I'M NOT A BIG FAN OF THOSE-- - NO, THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
- I THINK SO.
I THINK SO.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH, STEVE.
- APPRECIATE IT.
- THANKS.
GOOD TO TALK TO YOU.
- THANK YOU.
YOU TOO.
[applause.]
- THANKS, JANE.
IT'S JUST GREAT TO TALK TO YOU.
- OH, IT WAS GREAT TO TALK TO YOU TOO.
[applause.]
[early jazz music.]
[music.]