Inside Job (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Well, that's the last of Dad's stuff.
It doesn't spark joy,
which is why I'm getting rid of it.
It's the same reason
I got rid of your father.
Jesus, Mom, harsh.
- [horn honking]
- Are you talking about me?
I'm not dealing with this!
I'm filled with light and love.
Light and love, asshole!
Oh, the hell you are!
Okay, I kind of get it.
Luckily, divorcing your father this year
has finally given me time
to transform my pain into art.
"Knight of Passion,
a sexventure by Tamiko Ridley."
"One woman's erotic personal journey
divorcing her narcissist husband
and dealing with a daughter
with Asperger's."
Wait, what the hell?
You think I have Asperger's?
- No.
- Oh, okay.
See, you couldn't tell I was lying.
You ought to look that condition up.
It gets worse over time.
Ciao, darling!
How was she? Did she look unhappy?
How fulfilled did she look, physically?
She's still Mom,
undercutting my confidence
in ways I didn't know existed.
Man, what is all this stuff?
My old inventions.
Remember that robot
teddy bear I invented for you?
And here's
that pair of walkie-talkie headgear.
Remember your third grade photo?
Ugh! Dad, I can't keep track
of every traumatizing thing you invented.
What's this?
Eh. Probably a garage door opener.
[beeps]
- [van engine starts]
- [man over loudspeaker] Three, two, one.
[electronic music playing]
Sorry I'm late.
I've dealt with nuclear standoffs
less stressful than my parents' divorce.
- [both exclaim in disgust]
- Ooh, girl, your eyes are sunken.
You look like if Steve Buscemi
made it with Steve Buscemi. You okay?
Guys, I'm honestly fine.
I've been channeling my stress
into this scream bag
and into my latest invention.
Behold, the Productivitron.
- [Brett] Oh God, robot arms!
- Christ Almighty!
I'm still working out the kinks,
but it's a set of bio-cranial robot arms
that will increase my productivity 600%!
Now I can simultaneously finish paperwork,
ignore my dad's texts,
and, you know,
strangle anyone who crosses me, I guess.
[laughs awkwardly]
[Myc] Every day you edge closer
to becoming a supervillain.
[alarm blaring]
Oh God, what's that?
Is it a nuclear disaster?
No, it's even worse! It's a PR disaster!
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
This is a 13-alarm crap fire.
I accidentally hit "reply all"
to a company-wide email
where I made
a very un-PC joke about reptoids.
- [suspenseful note plays]
- Question. What is reptoids?
Oh, just your classic
shape-shifting lizard people
that live in secret amongst humanity.
Mm-hmm.
We're talking politicians, celebrities.
[gasps] Madonna's an iguana?
Reptoids provide
a lot of our company's funding,
and in exchange, we prevent the world
from doing anything about global warming
to keep them at their preferred body heat.
The system works.
If we wanna keep this year's funding,
we need to kiss ass
at their annual Reptoid Gala
to get them to sign this contract.
It's being held
at their stronghold at Yale.
Ah, I remember my days at Yale.
I was the most popular guy in my frat.
They hazed me every year.
- Sounds like they hated you?
- [laughs]
Nice haze burn, Andre.
You must really like me.
Do I have to go?
Follow-up question.
Do I have to wear a dress?
Follow-up to the follow-up.
Does it have to be a stain-free dress?
No, you can't recycle
your old Space Jam prom dress
yet again, Reagan.
This is serious.
What? That dress is awesome.
And if you don't agree, you're a Mon
[all] Monstar. Yeah, yeah.
Normal dress!
And for the love of God, comb your hair.
It's a sign of respect.
Why should we give
those reptoid freaks respect?
Half-man, half-animal. They're disgusting!
Easy, big guy. Have a mackerel.
[gulping]
Glenn, that's exactly the kind
of no-no talk that could end our funding,
which is why I've signed you all up
for reptoid sensitivity training.
[all groan]
Training? Hell yeah.
Who's ready to get some reps in?
[gasps] Oh no.
[whispers] Is "reps" offensive to say?
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to Inhuman Resources.
I'm Mr. Mothman.
I'm a Mothman.
Let's talk about reptoids.
Be sure to follow these dos and don'ts
to avoid a diplomatic incident.
Do offer them a cricket,
mouse, or vole out of your pocket.
Fun fact about voles,
a vole ate my father.
Don't use loaded phrases like "hissy fit,"
or "see you later, alligator."
Got it. Be respectful.
So when do we talk about the orgies?
- Boo!
- Oh, come on!
What? Everyone knows
reptoids have orgies. [chuckles]
[Myc] Sign me up. I love sex,
and I am fucking good at it. [laughs]
This is okay to say in here, right?
This is an HR meeting!
Andre, Myc, shut the hell up,
or I will castrate you.
[Myc] Ha! Good luck figuring out
which one of my tentacles is a dick.
Trick question, it's all of them.
[laughs]
As a final training step,
we're gonna practice
the traditional reptoid greeting,
a firm, nonsexual hug to transfer warmth.
Hugs! This is my jam.
Hug? Like, with… with our bodies
touching other people's bodies?
Mmm. Oh that's nice.
Mmm. Huh, back for seconds?
[hyperventilating]
- You okay, Reagan?
- Yeah, I'm… I'm just… I'm… I'm fine.
I'm ju… I'm practicing a hug
that a normal person would do.
- [tense music plays]
- [knuckles crack]
- [grunts]
- [gasps]
What was that?
I… I don't know.
Elliot Mothman,
you need to finish your master's
and get the fuck out of this office.
Brett, congratulations.
As the one person
who didn't assault anyone,
physically or sexually, in that meeting,
I want you to give the ceremonial toast
at the gala tonight.
Nice!
And, Reagan,
whatever this problem is, fix it.
We can't risk an episode like this
in front of the reptoids.
I am so sorry about that.
I don't know what came over me.
My body just auto-punched
when I felt that hug close in.
- [laughs] I'm done listening now.
- [Reagan] What the hell is wrong with me?
Yeah, not gonna lie, even for you,
that's Reaganier than usual.
Maybe you should tell J.R.
you're gonna sit this one out.
Brett, I'm going to this goddamn party.
I'm gonna figure this out and prove
that I am not the socially inept weirdo
that everyone thinks I am.
[inhales, yells loudly]
Diggity denial. I love it.
[hip-hop music playing]
Bullshit, lies, slander!
This novel is
all thinly veiled horny criticism
of our lives.
Oh, you found Mom's book.
Listen to this.
"Lord Randrew was a terrible husband
and an even worse father."
[scoffing] Me? A bad dad?
Would a bad dad make his little girl this?
Ugh. Why are you putting
that horror show back together?
[Rand] To set the record straight.
I took care of your every need,
and I have a whole box
of inventions to prove it.
Look at this!
Boy-repelling pheromone spray, huh?
Who needs birth control now?
The Britney Spears perfume you gave me
was literal boy repellent?
Yep. See? Any time you had a problem,
I invented something to fix it.
"Invented something to fix it."
[sinister music playing]
[pop music playing]
This place smells like
Teslas and inbreeding.
Ooh, boy.
[Myc laughs] This fungi
is ready for fun, guys!
[purse clanks]
What was that?
[laughs awkwardly] Nothing.
Who's ready to partay?
Now, remember, everyone,
we need that contract, so no slipups.
Don't point and stare.
Don't touch their throat sacs.
And if a lizard asks you your favorite
Hogwarts house, what do you say?
- [group] Slytherin!
- Hufflepuff. I mean, Slytherin.
Oh, honey, you ain't fooling anybody.
[doorman] Password.
Oh hell, it's something in Latin, I think.
Uh, dra… draconius pluribus… I don't know.
Look, here's how much money's
in my bank account.
[doorman] Welcome.
- [classical string music playing]
- Welcome to the other side.
You wanna talk about connections?
These preptiles literally have blue blood.
This is incredible.
I can't believe who's secretly a reptoid.
Anderson Cooper? Taylor Swift?
So the song "Shake It Off" was about
how I shed my skin every thousand years,
and the song "Bad Blood" was about
how I drink blood
out of my Grammys. [chuckles]
A toast to blood!
Save some blood for Paul Rudd!
[slurping voraciously]
So that's why Paul Rudd never ages.
Oh, oh, look. Sex masks. It's happening.
[Andre and Myc giggle]
Reagan, did you take care
of your hug problem?
- Let's just say I've got it in the bag.
- [clanking]
Unless you have 30 years of therapy
in there, I'm skeptical.
I'm going to find the diplomats.
Brett, practice your speech.
Glenn, don't say anything racist.
Gigi, make sure Glenn
doesn't say anything racist.
Just like Mel Gibson's Hanukkah special.
- Got it.
- [grumbles]
And Reagan…
Reagan?
[electronic music playing]
Prepare to interact socially.
Reaction hologram on.
[in robotic voice]
I am reacting appropriately
to the thing you just said.
Small talk acknowledged.
[normal voice] Eh, that's a bit much.
But these work!
Ha ha! Who's an antisocial weirdo now?
Not the girl who invented robot arms
to hug strangers.
Oh my God, I sound insane.
Ah, Yale. I've gone from public streaker
to public speaker.
If only my frat brothers could see me now.
Handjob?
PJ? Skwoo?
[all] Up, down, roofie, roofie,
become a Supreme Court justice.
And nut punch!
[grunting and laughing]
Oh man, I haven't been punched
in the nuts in years.
What are you two doing here?
Don't you know this event is for…
[whispers] …izard-lay eople-pay?
So about that…
[hissing and groaning]
What? You guys
were reptoids all this time?
Why didn't you tell me?
I'm your frat brother.
I gave you my kidney.
And it was delicious. [hisses]
Honestly, we only revealed our secrets
to brothers who reached level six.
- You never got that high.
- [dramatic music plays]
Guys, I'm Brett Hand, campus legend.
Whatever it takes, I'm getting that ring.
I don't know. I mean,
first you'd have to prove your loyalty
- by stripping down and
- [unzipping]
Wow, you just didn't even wait for me
to finish my sentence.
Let the hazing begin!
[whirring]
[slurping]
[chuckles nervously]
Reagan, there you are.
Try not to look like
you're getting a colonoscopy.
I need to find the reptoid honchos and
- [reptoids] J.R.
- Ah!
[chuckles nervously] Oh!
There you are, you old rascals.
Reagan,
meet my favorite reptoidsentatives,
Barb Shrike and Zarthax Griswold Walton
of the Reptoid High Council. [chuckles]
Good evening, Your, uh, Lizardness.
Oh, we're not that important.
It's not like we control the world… yet!
[both laughing]
[J.R. and Reagan fake laughing]
You know, all this laughing
is putting me in a contract-signing mood.
I've got next year's budget right here
if you wanna just
give her the old John Hancock.
Not so fast, J.R.
Don't think we missed
your hilarious email.
If you want us to embrace your funding,
we need to know
that your company takes us seriously.
We absolutely do.
Right, Reagan?
[tense music playing]
[nervously] Uh…
[arms whirring]
- [back cracks]
- [Zarthax grunts]
Well, that was an impressively firm hug.
I think you might have popped
a disc back into place.
- Oh, my turn.
- [back cracks]
Wow, can you be my chiropractor?
Not for free, I can't.
[both laughing]
She gets it.
And I absolutely love your skin.
How do you get it that scaly?
Hey, fuck you… using moisturizer!
The drier the better, right, baby?
Mmm, I like this one.
J.R., let's talk contracts
after the ceremony.
And make sure you bring her.
Ha! I did it! I think I just conquered
my weird mental hang-up
without any self-examination.
- Yeah!
- You're a hit!
Ooh, let me introduce you to Al Gore.
My real name is Alligator Gore.
[suspenseful music playing]
[both laughing]
- [Myc] Huh?
- Oh. Come on, man. Where's the action?
I'm peaking. I don't wanna miss this.
[Myc] One of these has gotta be
the secret door. Okay, what is it?
Secret door, secret door…
[reptoids moaning]
[Myc] Ugh, these are just actual books.
Books are like the opposite of sex!
This place is such a croc tease.
- [Gregorian chants playing]
- [grunts] Harder, my bros!
[unenthusiastically] Whoo.
Yeah, you got it.
Don't patronize me, Skwoo.
Make me earn it.
Eh, you're right.
We've been holding back on you.
[hesitantly] Uh, it's time to take you
to the Chamber of Secrets.
Reveal your secrets to the chamber.
Here's one. Um, I stay awake at night…
[chuckles] …because I don't even know
what my favorite color is,
and I'm afraid I don't have
a real personality.
Wow, that is dark.
Speaking of dark,
catch you on the other side.
[both laughing]
Hiss, hiss. So lovely to meet you.
- [reptoids laugh]
- [backs crack]
[reptoid man] Lovely.
Reagan, you're the life of this party.
That's the most natural smile
I've ever seen out of Mark Zuckerberg.
[laughing wheezily]
Huh. You never should've doubted me, J.R.
With this brain and these arms,
I can do literally anything.
[announcer] Everyone to the main stage.
The celebration is about to begin!
Boo! Go back to your terrariums! [grunts]
- [audience applauding]
- [triumphant music playing]
[gasps]
All rise for the reptilian anthem!
[all screeching]
- [warbling]
- [gasps]
[all screeching]
[warbling]
[coughs] Let's get down to lizness.
We reptoids have had a great decade.
Thanks to propaganda in the media,
we have made society
more tolerant of our kind,
from the Geico Gecko
to The Shape of Water.
[crowd cheering]
We even got K. Rool in Smash!
We did it, everyone!
The world temperature is rising.
The time is coming, brethren.
Soon we shall fulfill the prophecy,
overthrow humanity,
and become the true rulers of the world!
They say that every year,
but they're never gonna do it. [laughs]
And now, a look back
at the reptoids we lost this year.
[sentimental music playing]
Oh oh  ♪
- [sobbing]
- It's almost time for the speech.
Where's Brett?
- [dramatic music plays]
- [vibrates]
[grunts] Oh man,
I can't wait till I get to level six.
I bet that's when they let you
into the group text chat.
Hey, my blindfold!
[PJ and Skwoo laughing]
Oh my God! Oh my God!
He's just as pathetic
as he was in college.
Hey, hey. Who am I? Who am I?
[mocking] Uh, I think I'm popular,
but nobody can stand me.
Brett Hand.
[PJ and Skwoo laugh] Ooh!
[PJ] He got it! He got it!
- Bros? But I thought I was a legend.
- [soft music playing]
[squeaking]
Maybe you'll be my friends.
[yells] Ah! Ah! Ah! Rats!
Rats are biting my dick!
[Zarthax] …soon hear
from our human partner.
This is a disaster. Brett's missing!
And I can't give the speech,
because I spilled dip on my crotch,
and I cannot stand up!
Reagan, I need you to give the speech.
What, me?
You said it yourself.
You've conquered all your issues.
- But
- Go, go! You're going to crush it.
And now, please give a warm welcome
to Cognito Inc.
[triumphant music playing]
[mic feedback]
[crickets chirping]
Ah! What is up, reptoids?
Anybody here from a… a subterranean lair?
[scattered applause]
[coughs, sniffs]
But seriously,
reptoids, humans, we're not so different.
We all have hearts, minds, um,
cloacas?
I do have a cloaca.
[crowd cheering]
Sure, we may have messed up in the past
but not as bad as those idiot Atlantians.
- [cheering]
- Fuck Atlantis!
[reptoid] Oh my God.
I'm Reagan Ridley,
and on behalf of Cognito Inc.,
let us raise a glass
to our continued alliance.
[electronic music playing]
[laughing]
Oh, thank Christ.
Reagan Ridley from Cognito Inc., everyone.
Ha! Bring it in, buddy.
- [back cracks]
- That's too tight. Help.
- You're crushing me!
- Wait, sorry. Let me just Reverse!
[screams]
[all gasp]
[shouting] Oh God, my arms! My arms!
[grunting]
[crowd gasps]
[screams]
[gasps]
[crowd screaming]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
She's trying to run! Grab her!
[grunts] Sorry! I didn't mean that!
- Hmm.
- [Zarthax screaming, wailing]
[chuckles nervously]
[dramatic music playing]
[both hissing]
- [screams]
- [both groaning]
[guard] Huh?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
- We're not friends at all!
- [squeaking]
- [engine revving]
- [tires screech]
[Reagan] Go, go, go!
Are you also being chased
by a horde of rats?
What? No. Why are you naked?
Tonight was complicated!
[Cognito Inc. coworkers grunt]
Please don't cut our funding.
I have mistresses to feed.
Funding?
After what just happened, you're lucky
we don't launch war on humanity right now.
[hisses]
There's gotta be a way out of this.
What about a human sacrifice, huh?
I carry a saber of sacrifice at all times.
This is a disaster. Where's Reagan?
[reporter] The heir
to the Griswold Walton fortune
was rushed to the hospital tonight
after having his arms brutally ripped off.
He had this to say.
[Zarthax] The lizard army
will bathe in the blood of man!
[reporter] In other news,
global temperature raised
one degree today.
Well, I'm definitely
a fugitive from the law now.
I don't know why I can't hug anyone
without losing my fucking mind.
You know, Reagan,
I get mad social anxiety too,
but talking about it with my therapist
has cut my panic attacks in half!
Brap, brap, brap!
Are you saying that I should… [scoffs]
…Talk about my feelings?
When's the last time
you were hugged? Hit me.
The last time I was hugged was…
[clicks tongue] Huh.
Wow, I actually can't remember.
That's really weird, right?
You'll figure it out. You always do.
Just like I'm gonna figure out
a way to impress PJ and Skwoo
and get to level six,
because I need everyone to like me,
and I freak out if they don't.
Brett, why do you care about those guys?
They pushed you in a ventilation shaft
and covered you with rats.
Yeah, but isn't that what friends do?
No. Friends give each other rides
and good advice.
- [siren wailing]
- [gasps]
- [tires screeching]
- [both gasp]
Come out with your hands up,
you pink-fleshed motherfuckers!
You tell 'em, Bill.
[dramatic music playing]
[tires screeching]
- [audience applauding and cheering]
- Thanks so much. Be kind to one another.
- [laughs] Okay.
- [phone whooshes]
Time to load up my Emmy cannon.
[relaxing piano music playing]
[in posh accent] I'll take my tea
in the panic room, thank you.
- Anderson Cooper coming to you live from
- [phone beeps]
Uh, sorry, one moment.
[hissing]
Coming to you live
from the Reptoid Supreme Court.
Well, Reagan, the bad news is,
if you lose this trial, it may mean war.
The good news is, I got you
the best lawyer who cost us nothing.
Don't worry about it, honey.
I can convince anyone of anything.
Just today,
I convinced myself I was a lawyer.
[groans]
[sinister music playing]
Please welcome
our high justice of the Reptoid Court,
the immortal queen of darkness herself,
Judge Judy!
- [crowd cheering]
- [reptoid man] Judge Judy!
Thank you, bailiff.
I have a shoot in 20 minutes,
so let's make this quick.
What are the charges?
Your Honor,
Ms. Ridley ripped off our leader's arms
in an act of hostile bigotry
towards reptoids.
- [eerie music plays]
- [all gasp]
- [reptoid 1] Boo!
- [reptoid 2] Boo!
This true? You rip his arms off?
Yes, technically. But
All right, rip her arms off
and call it even. Thank you.
Your Honor, please.
I intend to prove that my client might be,
damn, weird as shit,
but she doesn't discriminate.
She's like that to everybody.
The defense calls Brett Hand!
Oh yeah, Reagan can't hug anybody.
See this bruise on my face?
That's from one of her hugs,
and we're friends.
[sighs] I don't wanna diagnose,
but maybe Asperger's?
Oh, come on!
I plead the Fifth
and the Second!
[all yelp, exclaim]
[Myc chuckles] She's always had
the hots for me but won't admit it.
I mean, can you believe that?
She's on her 95th HR violation.
But who's counting?
Me, I'm counting. Mr. Mothman is counting.
I think this is working.
[sarcastically] Yeah,
I love this. It feels great.
Sorry I'm late.
A father should never miss
his daughter's first sentencing.
On the bright side, I finally finished
reassembling Bear-o, so…
[chuckles] …that's something.
You brought that thing?
Dad, this is serious.
I could be going to jail for a long time,
all because for some mysterious reason,
I am unable to fucking hug.
[Bear-o] Hello, Reagan.
Would you like to give Bear-o a hug?
[voice getting deeper] A hug, a hug, a…
[crying]
Uh-oh. Someone needs a hug.
[Bear-o] There, there.
It's me, Bear-o. Initiating hug.
[yelps] No, Bear-o!
- [Bear-o] Initiating hug.
- Agh! Bear-o!
- [Bear-o] Initiating hug.
- Agh! Bear-o!
- [Bear-o] Initiating hug.
- No, Bear-o!
- [Bear-o] Initiating hug.
- [kids scream]
[Bear-o's voice overlapping]
Holy shit. You never hugged me.
You made a robot bear do it instead.
And I was so traumatized
that I repressed the memory for years!
That's why I can't hug anyone
without losing my shit!
Order! Ms. Ridley.
Your Honor, allow me to call
Rand Ridley to the stand.
I swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
so help me Godzilla 2000.
Would you call yourself a good father?
I gave you a roof and stellar genetics,
so despite what you may read
in any poorly written airport rags,
yeah, I was a good father.
I even created this amazing robot
so it could hug you
whenever I wasn't around,
which was always.
[all gasp]
What, people?
That touchy-feely crap makes you weak.
My outside-the-box parenting
raised a girl who's strong enough
to nearly murder a diplomat.
[Bear-o] Bear-o is proud of Reagan.
Oh, shut the fuck up, Bear-o.
Your shitty parenting
messed me up for life,
and now I guess I'm broken forever.
Hey, look, you know,
family is an experiment.
And maybe not all my experiments
are perfect.
- [splats]
- [reptoid woman wails]
I guess we could give this a try.
[heartfelt music playing]
All right. I mean,
is this doing anything for you?
- No, not really.
- Yeah, it feels weird.
- Right? That's what I'm saying.
- Super forced.
- Why do people do this?
- [grunts]
- That helped.
- [chuckles]
Well, I've seen enough.
Ms. Ridley, you've clearly learned
some bad habits from this man.
I'm surprised
you don't rip everyone's arms off.
But I can't just let you off the hook,
so I'm sentencing
you to court-ordered therapy
in the form of… [hisses]
…The traditional reptoid group hug.
Wait, what's this now?
[reptoids hissing]
[sniffing]
I'm deciding this is okay.
[sexy music playing]
[reptoids moaning]
Oh God, this is an orgy, isn't it?
Oh yes. Yes, it is!
- [reptoids moaning]
- [Judge Judy] Gavel. Give me the gavel.
Give me the gavel!
[gasps] This is it. It's happening.
[Myc chuckles] Hello, HR.
Who's ready for some gross misconduct?
[both chuckle] Incoming!
Hey, guys, wait for…
You know what? No.
I don't need to have sex
with 100 strangers just to fit in,
'cause I have a new frat now, Cognito Inc.
I'm gonna watch though. I have questions.
[reptoids hissing]
Zarthax, I hope
you'll accept these as an apology.
They might be helpful
till your real ones grow back.
[whirring]
Well, these will do nicely.
What do you say, J.R.? Ready to re-up?
Really? After all this?
Business is business.
We were hoping you'd found an upgrade
since Rand's departure,
and as far as we can tell, you have.
[soft music playing]
[sighs in relief]
Maybe physical boundaries are good.
Maybe no one should touch each other ever.
Want a ride, kiddo?
Yeah, I'll take a ride.
Hey, Dad, I just wanted to say…
[in robotic voice] …I tolerate you.
I tolerate you too, kiddo.
- So, one question.
- Please don't ask me if you're a good dad.
[Rand] Eh? I was gonna ask
if you think I could pull off a goatee.
Of course I'm a good dad.
- I just saved your ass.
- [Reagan] No, I saved my ass.
- [Rand] Okay, well…
- [Myc] Is anyone taping this?
Just kidding. I am.
I'm sorry, sir,
but you tested positive for iguanarrhea.
- [shouts] Motherfucker!
- I wasn't done.
Iguanarrhea, clawmydia, sssyphilis,
scalebies, explosive cloaca disease.
Oh yeah, and mushroom herpes.
Wait. What was that last one?
[electronic music playing]