Irma Vep (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Hop on!
- Sorry I'm late.
- No stress.
Zoe.
Hi, Gottfried. Where are you?
I don't know.
I'm at this party.
How did you get there?
Uh, I'm not sure.
Gottfried, I need an address.
Let me ask Lady.
- Lady, sorry, I, I didn't catch your name.
-
- What?
- I didn't catch your name.
I'm Ondine.
- Ondine, honey
- Yes.
- I need your address.
- Oh, uh.
Did you get it?
No, I didn't get a single word.
Ask her to come closer
to the phone and repeat.
Excuse me, can you repeat it?
Um
Superb.
Gottfried is
partying with the crew.
It's out of town in Montreuil.
Yeah, I did a zombie
flick with that junkie.
Is he still using?
I can't answer that question.
Jesus Christ!
- You scored for him?
- I can't answer that question.
You have it on you?
I'll drop you at the show.
- It's safer.
- No, no! I-I'm coming with you.
Well, that could get us
in major trouble.
Yeah, no, we're already
in major trouble.
Let's go! Woo!
Let's go see Gottfried!
Sloopy, hang on ♪
Hang on, Sloopy ♪
Sloopy, hang on ♪
Ah!
Ah, that's better.
You don't want to go
to this Royal Trux show.
It's their one date in Europe.
They probably won't even show up.
You stay with us!
I can't believe René agreed to this.
He always said he wouldn't touch TV.
But we're not doing TV.
It's a serial
exactly like in the silent era.
What's the difference?
Well, it's about going
back to the roots.
All great novelists in the
19th century were serialized.
I hear you, but to everyone else,
it's still a TV series
based on a silent serial.
Yeah, but series have history.
They didn't just pop out of nowhere.
Serials became novels.
They could be seen as long movies.
- Hi, Mira.
- No, they're not long movies.
They're content. Industrial
entertainment ruled by algorithms.
Mira, what would you like to drink?
A beer is fine. Thanks.
Well, early cinema was content.
No, absolutely not.
It was the opposite of content.
They had no idea what they were doing.
They were inventing the medium
and went where their
imagination took them.
Mm, I beg to differ.
They invented the projector,
got the audience interested, and
they had to generate
content to keep people hooked.
What are your issues with series?
Because you have platforms.
They need content,
so you stretch the content.
You adapt to the market.
That's the opposite of art.
I grew up on re-runs of "Dallas."
I heard Rainer Werner Fassbinder
was a fan, too.
I used to jerk off to Sue Ellen.
- Sue Ellen, really?
- She was so hot.
But I would've loved
to fuck Bobby Ewing, too.
Thank you,
Gottfried, for sharing that with us.
You make a TV show
you're a slave to the ratings.
- It's simple.
- Yeah, I agree.
N-Now the industry is too aware
of what their audience wants.
- Too much marketing.
- Exactly.
That's not what art should be about.
Who cares if cinema is art?
I personally don't give a flying
fuck.
Dude, stop being annoying.
Cinema is better than art.
It captures reality
in ways other arts don't.
Blah, blah, blah.
You're just being a pain in the ass.
I'm sorry, girl.
I have trouble dealing
with post-modern lesbians.
Ooh, I can't believe it. He just
called me a post-modern lesbian.
He just called me
a post-modern lesbian!
Oh my god! I feel so insulted.
Did you hear what he just said?
I was curious. I just wanted
to benefit from your insights.
Well
there you are.
Oops
You had it coming.
What stupid cocktail were you drinking?
How can anybody drink this lime?
Okay, your cab's here.
Um
Zoe's scooter is fine.
It's 4 A.M.
I'm not letting you
ride back in the rain
with a drunken madwoman.
Drunk, sure. Mad, um, well, possibly.
See you in a bit.
And cover up.
Gottfried?
Gottfried?
- Gottfried?
- Ooh.
Oh là. Gottfried?
Are you okay?
Let's go inside, maybe.
- Shit. The production driver.
- Don't worry. Cool it.
Are you ready to go?
They're waiting for us on set.
Mira needs a minute to freshen up.
- As soon as you can.
- Yeah.
Ah! God! Fuck! Freezing!
Hi, Gottfried. Ooh.
I'm good. How are you?
- Go straight to makeup?
- Yeah, straight to makeup.
- Hi, morning.
- Oh, hi, ah.
Okay so
here's the thing.
Y-You managed to get,
um, yourself hired by,
uh, the Renault-Duval bank.
Obviously, um,
the Vampires have a plan.
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Are you with me?
- Mm
I'm with you.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
No, because it looked
like you were out of it.
No, no, no. I-I, I was
just telling them I had
an amazing night's sleep,
and now I'm
ready.
- Okay, good.
- And I'm focused.
No, because for a second,
it looked like you were
passing out, so, um.
Anyway, okay.
Um, so.
The Vampires got the intel
that, um, the bank is
about to make a major
cash transfer to Rouen.
A-Any idea where, uh, Rouen is?
Uh
S-Should I, should I know?
No, no, no, not at all.
- Okay, yeah, I don't.
- Maybe the only thing you have to know is that,
uh, it's two hours from Paris by train.
- Two hours. Pretty
- Yeah, wh-whatever it is.
So
a clerk named Métadier
will be the courier. It's, um,
this guy, uh
I'm Métadier.
Irma Vep.
Okay, in case he cannot make it,
the banker, yeah, uh,
Renault-Duval, uh
- this, uh, gentleman here
- Excuse me.
Uh, has chosen
- Oh, you're amazing.
- Please, focus, focus, focus
because focus, please.
So
- this gentleman has chosen Juliette Berteaux
- Mm.
- Meaning Irma Vep
- Mm.
Meaning you
to be his backup courier in case
he isn't able to make it to work.
Look.
Mm, there it is.
Yeah, this is the,
the envelope with the cash.
- The envelope.
- Yeah.
Yeah, uh, um okay.
So, th-thi
P-Please. Th-Th-This, this envelope
- is in this briefcase, okay?
- Yeah.
C-Can, can I, can I show you?
This briefcase is
is
in this safe, okay?
Let, let, let me put it
in this safe, okay.
Uh
- so, th-this is the key.
- Yes.
So, obviously the Vampires
want to get rid of Métadier.
Can you, can you just,
uh, s-say that name again?
Oh, uh, Mé-ta-dier.
No, but they have to get rid of him.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You see him, rid.
- Métadier.
- Yeah, Métadier. You have it.
So, Juliette Berteaux
will be entrusted with the cash.
Yes!
Yeah, uh, okay.
Um
C-c-can we shoot it?
Let's do it.
Cut.
Okay, watching playback.
Uh
okay, um.
It wasn't violent enough.
I couldn't feel the cruelty
of the Vampires.
Uh, I want them ruthless, okay?
Especially you, Mira.
Uh, we have to establish
Irma Vep as a murderess.
That's what she's all about.
I hope there's more to her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. There is.
I-I-I got carried away, sorry.
I wa I, I was joking.
- Oh.
- I get it.
She can be wild.
I, I was holding back a bit.
Good.
Oh, um, Robert
Oui?
I couldn't see your hat pin
Yes.
- This one will be more visible.
- Yeah, it-it's much better.
- Ah.
- It's much better.
So, push it
in all the way.
I want to see
cruelty.
You want to see cruelty,
you'll see cruelty.
And now for Moreno's hat.
Makes me look like a gigolo.
It was fashionable back then.
I got that one from a museum.
I'm not a gigolo. I never was a gigolo.
Gottfried, we all know that.
That's the way Moreno dresses.
If I may,
I-I'm not really into hats,
but it fits you very well,
and it establishes the character
- from the, the onset.
- Very well.
As a gigolo.
And your Métadier beard
is not ready yet,
so we'll shoot this,
and then you can have a break.
Okay, wunderbar.
Can we just
shoot?
Could you go a bit further
in the back in the light?
Tell me about the magazine
you're writing for.
Uh, it's not a magazine,
it's a website.
- Yeah, online press.
- All right.
So
is it true you started as, um, as
a body double in porn?
I have a big dick. No
trouble getting it up, so yeah.
But that came later.
I started in gay peep shows.
Are you gay?
I was at the time, but not anymore.
I got bored with gay culture.
Why did you find it boring?
They preach.
I'm not interested in preaching.
All I cared about was
sticking my dick up their asses.
And then you, you lost interest?
Well, they're all communists.
Well, I mean, not all of 'em.
All of them, believe me.
Okay, and, and you're not.
Me? No.
No, I'm a
I'm a registered Republican.
Fuck the liberal media elite,
and all those Latinos
stealing our jobs.
Ha-Have Latinos stolen a job of yours?
Well, not exactly, but,
I mean, look at the Academy Awards.
It's all about Mexican
directors and Koreans.
Why did you even agree
to act in this series?
Because it's the fucking
best character. I mean,
Juan de Moreno is a
fucking criminal genius.
He screws all those Vampire losers.
He ends up on the gallows.
Yeah, that's what
happens to criminal geniuses.
That's how they go.
Moreno is evil
Genuine evil.
All the other guys are
fucking amateurs.
Hey, sorry, um, Gottfried,
we're ready with the, the beard.
Wow.
I must say, I'm impressed.
This will fool those stupid Vampires.
Thank you.
I just wish Gottfried
weren't part of this show.
He's such a fucking dick.
Thought you said you
used to get along fine.
When?
When you did "Zombie Inferno."
I hardly remember shooting that.
Well, you did. I was there.
And where the fuck did we shoot it?
Puerto Rico standing in for Haiti.
You know what?
I don't remember a thing.
We were high all day.
- Serenity, tranquility, peace.
- Tranquility, peace.
Well in the end
you got great reviews.
Oh.
Maxwell Longfellow's
an amazing director.
I mean, he does zombie movies, but
they're really making, like
important political statements.
What kind of important
political statements?
He depicts alienation.
How is it about alienation?
The film's about being cut off
from your own interests.
- Okay, ooh.
- I mean, you're being used by society
- And wh-what does that
- and you're not even aware of it.
Have to do with zombies?
Well, zombies are the ultimate
alienated individuals.
Zombies don't have brains.
- They're dead.
- Yeah, that's the whole point.
So,
it's saying that people now
are like zombies.
- Mm-hm.
- That they're braindead.
Well, the brains were
eaten by consumerism.
- And they don't know it.
- Exactly.
And they need movies
to pass the message on to them.
Yeah movies can help.
You know, there have been a whole lot of
zombie movies, and not much has changed.
Ah! Oh, well, look who it is!
How nice to see you here.
- I needed a drink.
- So do I.
Uh, a pale ale, please.
Sorry, we don't have that.
Um, any beer then, thanks.
- Can I just have a cup of hot water?
- Yeah, sure.
Just, like, plain hot water.
This is Regina, my new assistant.
You may not have, have noticed her.
She's straight out of film school.
I thought she was your new girlfriend.
I'm a huge fan.
- She, she loves
- Of mine?
- "Zombie Inferno."
- Yeah.
She thinks it's about aliens.
I think it's about alienation.
Regina wants to be a director.
- One day.
- Yeah, yeah.
She's done a couple of shorts.
- Don't embarrass me.
- Uh, no!
I mean, you got great reviews.
You won a couple of awards.
- Small festivals.
- Oh, thanks.
Any plans for a feature?
Yeah fingers crossed.
- Zombie movies?
- No,
not really.
Shall we sit?
So
based on my intel
Eamonn
is out of the picture.
Your intel is correct,
but maybe a tiny bit outdated.
I miss Eamonn.
Remember when we went big
game fishing stoned out of our skulls?
I do, and I-I think
I passed on that one.
Cool guy.
Too bad you dumped him.
I think he's doing fine.
He's in town shooting,
you could visit him.
What was the name again
of that sexy dyke?
- Ooh, Laurie, yeah.
- You were,
- you were nuts about her. It was hilarious.
- Yeah, she was,
she was my assistant yeah.
She was your assistant, right.
Isn't that outrageous?
Yeah, I mean, I wasn't really
nuts about her back then.
You were in complete denial.
Everybody knew.
Yeah.
- Even her?
- Especially her.
She played you like a puppet.
Clever girl. She ended up
getting what she wanted.
And now she says I was abusive.
What?
Meaning she was submissive
when you were that
kind of hot lesbian couple?
That's maybe not how
I would've phrased it,
but, yeah, I suppose so.
Darling, listen to me,
Laurie doesn't have
a submissive bone
in her body.
And if you believed otherwise,
you were so naive.
But this is what we love about you.
You play tough, but you're so candid.
So, Philippe Guérande
investigated the bank,
and, uh,
he actually discovered that, uh,
Juliette Berteaux is Irma Vep.
- Right.
- Okay?
Okay, so, um
let me get this right.
- Moreno, who's a gangster
- Mm-hm.
But not a Vampire,
- rented a room from the Vampires.
- Yes.
- It's, it's, it's correct.
- And he doesn't know
that the back of his safe
leads to a Vampire hideout.
- No. No, he doesn't know.
- No
so he's stolen the envelope
and he's put it in the safe.
And now, Irma Vep and the Grand
Vampire are coming to collect
But Philippe Guérande outsmarted them.
Made it to the hideout first.
Métadier?!
We threw him off the train.
Look
the envelope.
How did he get in here?
Hands up!
Don't move.
Give me the envelope slowly.
Come on.
Okay.
Mira, please, uh, please, please, uh,
can you make sure we see the envelope?
Yeah, it-it's lost in the confusion.
You didn't see the envelope?
No, um, I, I want to see this side,
please, where this is, yes.
Okay.
- Bye-bye.
- Everybody back to one.
Where is the envelope?
Now you will be brought to
justice to pay for your crimes.
Move.
We're running late.
Eamonn is still shooting.
But after this setup, he has a break.
Is that him in the spacesuit?
- Yes.
- Doing the saltos?
Yeah.
- Fun day at work.
- Yeah.
The director is over there.
Thanks.
Hi, Gunnar.
- Cut, cut!
- Whoa! All right, gotcha.
Got him.
Okay, got him.
I thought I was gonna shit myself.
That would not have been pretty.
- Can I get some water?
- Absolutely.
- Eamonn.
- Yeah?
- That was great.
- Yeah?
I love the spinning.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm. You really felt
like you were falling
in the, the abyss.
- It felt good, it felt good.
- Yeah?
I wish we had a camera in the helmet.
'Cause I, I, I thought I was, like,
- I was gonna cry on that one.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- That was impressive.
- Thank you.
So how long have you been here?
Six weeks, ten more to go.
Sorry I didn't call sooner.
It's not the easiest call to make.
I know.
So, um
what's the film?
They are pitching it
as "Blade Runner"
um, but without the neo-noir elements
or the replicants, or the rain.
Why none of that?
They did market research, and audiences
find rain really depressing.
- Mm-hm.
- And there's no recognition for replicants
- Aw.
- And
I think they had a hard time
with the concept of neo-noir.
Actually, I think they had a hard time
with the concept of noir
in the first place.
Then I mean, what's left?
Gunnar.
- Gunnar is left?
- Yeah.
No, he's a good director.
I think he'll make it cool.
I trust him not to
compromise his vision.
Mm. Seems he already has.
You're such
You never liked him, did you?
I mean, he's nice
No.
We used to argue about it.
We did.
Well, it's the first time
I've heard he has a “vision.”
So
so, are we having a drink?
They have a little petite cafeteria.
I'd rather not take chances.
I don't want a photo of us to pop
up on TMZ or wherever the fuck.
Okay.
My trailer?
S-So, h-how are you doin'?
Homesick.
But life is treating you well?
It is.
I have a new girlfriend.
I think maybe I love her.
Great.
She's a singer. Actually, can you just
- get this. It's just a zip.
- Of course.
Merci.
She's on tour at the moment, but, um
I don't really get to
see her that much.
I know.
Lianna.
I like her new stuff.
It's amazing, isn't it?
I think I'm, like, her biggest fan.
Yeah, the last, um,
album was really cool.
Daring
career move.
But she really pulls it off.
She's so smart.
Um, do you want milk and sugar?
Don't you remember?
Milk, no sugar.
Yeah.
I read about you and Laurie.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
You can't be completely sorry.
Why do you say that?
Because you and I
broke up because of her.
I think I'm over it.
Hm, you're more
resilient than I thought.
Yeah, which is not
to say that I wasn't
devastated at first.
Don't think it was easy on me.
I don't think it
was easy on you, but
I didn't see it coming.
So, I had to find
something to move on to.
And have you found it?
I may have.
What do you mean?
Lianna is pregnant.
- I mean
- Congratulations.
She's, she's It's
You're not supposed
to tell anyone until 12 weeks,
and she's only 10 weeks, but
- Boy or girl?
- I think it's a girl.
Then, double congrats.
Wow.
Yeah, I
I thought you hated
the idea of having kids.
At least
that's what you told me, right?
Yeah, I, um
I think I used to think like that.
Not anymore.
No.
I guess I'm a different person.
So am I.
We're not complete strangers
yet.
But we've drifted apart.
I envy you, though.
What do you envy?
It Okay.
Do you remember that we used to always
talk about the movies of René Vidal?
Aw, yeah.
- We were fans.
- Yeah, I know! And
- How
- Yeah.
Who would've thought that you
would end up working with him?
Who would've thought?
Thanks.
Um, well, yeah, his, uh,
process can be confusing.
- I bet. What's wrong with that?
- Ugh, I don't know.
Maybe it's just me.
You know me, I'm
easily confused.
I feel a bit lost.
Ah.
Where
- did you get these?
- What? Don't.
- Did you ship those?
- My assistant is addicted.
- They're disgusting. Take all of them.
- I love her.
But seriously
don't worry about it.
You're a stranger in a strange town
dealing with a strange character.
It's supposed to be confusing.
You were always good at
helping me with my insecurities.
Whoa!
Is that why you miss me?
These days, I
I feel unfocused
and lonely.
Well, maybe that's part of your quest.
- What quest?
- Your quest for your true self.
- I don't even know why I'm doing this.
- Yes, you do.
You're doing it
because you're good at it.
You're doing something that you love.
It's a privilege.
I know.
You shouldn't complain.
I shouldn't.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
We fucked up.
Yeah, we sure did.
And now there's no way back.
Nope.
No way.
- Excuse me, Gottfried.
- What?
You can change in your trailer,
and the driver will be here soon.
Okay, who's doing the photos?
What, you didn't tell her? All right.
Walking
the dog, walking the dog ♪
Walking the dog ♪
Come in.
Hey, uh,
my driver's stuck in traffic.
They told me I could
share your ride. Is that okay?
Make yourself at home.
How do you handle all
the girls around you?
What do you mean?
Oh, thanks.
How thoughtful of you,
but, no, I'm not into crack.
Might make you less uptight.
- You're probably right.
- Sorry, I'm joking.
Well
they all want to eat your pussy.
You really have
a way with words.
- Thank you.
- They like me,
- they don't necessarily want me.
- Oh, they do.
- What about Zoe?
- Zoe?
- For sure.
- No!
Zoe's a nutcase.
She's fun, you know?
It's nothing serious.
- Sex is very serious.
- Sex?
No, we just, you know
flirt a bit.
What about Regina?
Not Regina.
- Of course, Regina.
- Totally not Regina.
She's smart, she does her job.
She's a
She's no bullshit. She's a good kid.
You'll see. Soon enough,
she's bound to make her move.
Ah, come on.
I'm young, I'm a movie star.
I have to deal with that kind
of stuff all the time, you know?
Uh, what matters is just staying sane,
and not letting it affect me.
It affected me, and I enjoyed
having it affect me.
When I was younger,
I fucked anything that moved.
Gottfried, that's common knowledge.
Aw you never hit on me, though.
- Do you want me to?
- No!
Stay away, fuck's sake.
Yeah, sorry. Sorry, Mira,
- but you're boring to me.
- Oh, thank god. Thank god.
- I eased up on a lot of things.
- Good for you.
Well I don't want to end up
like my friend Harvey Weinstein.
Oh, I'm sure, yeah.
Look what I found.
It's an interview from the
late '40s with Musidora
the original Irma Vep.
- How old was she?
- Well, it was in 1947,
so she must've been
in her late 50s, I think.
So sad she aged so badly.
How can you say such bullshit?
She's a beautiful woman.
Not from my perspective.
Just shut up, Gottfried.
I'm just stating the obvious.
I'm honestly pained.
She was such a sexy
woman in her heyday.
- Can someone just please
- She was, she was such a sexy
- throw this guy out of the car?
- Woman in her heyday.
No, you can't. This is my car.
Uh
I'm a journalist!
Let me go!
You will regret this!
I have power!
Let me go!
I'm Philippe Guérande! Let me go!
Let me go!
I'm a journalist!
Ah!
Let me down.
Not before you tell us
what you know about the Vampires' plan.
I will, but please let me down
I'm suffocating.
Let him down.
So
what do you have to say?
This is the Vampire codebook.
See?
The Baron de Mortesalgues
and The Grand Vampire
are one and the same person.
So what?
The Baron de Mortesalgues
is throwing a lavish
birthday party for his niece.
Very upper crust.
I'm sure it's a ploy.
I'll let you go.
But if you have lied to me
you will die.
Oh.
That was a great take.
Please help me.
Help me.
Help me.
Eh?