Irreverent (2022) s01e03 Episode Script
Ashes to Ashes
1
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Pujara leans forward
and punches it through
the covers, and he's
beaten a chasing Hazelwood.
That's a glorious stroke,
and it's going all the way to the rope.
I don't like it.
All due respect, Agnes,
you're not exactly flush with options.
- I don't like you either.
- You got good company there.
You are looking at a remote
seaside church in 2022.
I mean, they could stack
the pews with gold bullion,
and no one would come looking.
And this isn't even the
church. It's the church office.
It's kinda like a island
off the coast of an island.
- I still don't like you.
- Hey.
Hey, did you take your hat
off when you were in there?
- Yeah.
- Why?
The church.
I know what the building is, man.
I'm just asking why
you took your hat off.
You can't have your
hat on in church, mate.
Very disrespectful.
Mate, if this gets busted, I
am moving into a two bed cell
at Indigo Valley Maximum
Security with my sister. Yeah?
And we have some historical issues that,
well, that might prove
slightly uncomfortable.
I'm very sorry to hear that,
but, look, if this gets busted,
I get busted, and there
is a much worse fate
waiting for me than
a family prison cell.
So let me get this straight.
You don't wanna disrespect the God
that you don't believe
in, is that right?
- I didn't say I don't believe.
- So you do believe in him?
Mate, I'm not gonna get into
the complexions of my beliefs.
All right? All I'm saying
is that when I get up there,
I'll be happy I did.
- What, took off your hat?
- Yeah.
After filling his sacred house
of worship with illegal tobacco.
- Exactly
- Five grand a week.
That'll be three grand
a week, altar boy.
And you'll get it at
the end of the month.
Storage, safeguarding,
and dispatch for a month
of high personal risk
with nothing upfront, huh?
- Fine, five a week.
- Upfront.
Nothing like a Christian contraband deal
before breakfast, eh, Agnes?
You have a sizable pair
of balls for a priest
I'll give you that.
♪
You're not gonna tell me, are you?
- Tell you what?
- Who you really are.
Me? I'm the reverend.
[LAUGHS]
[CHEERY VOCAL MUSIC]
♪
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Catch me a fish.
Cummins strides in to
bowl, over the wicket,
and Pujara pounces on
it, pushing it out past
extra cover, and it will
be picked up in the deep.
Nathan Lyon doing the honors.
Just a single to take
Pujara into the 60s.
Pat Cummins scratching his head.
Attack or defend, what can you do?
- [GRUNTS]
- Is the pitch going to crack?
Where's the downpour coming from?
Who's he going to throw the ball to?
Who can stop the bleeding?
So Hazelwood approaches again,
and he's slapped over cover,
one bounce to the rope,
and this is fast becoming
a humiliation for the visitors
♪
Here we go folks, VIP guests.
Fair pay! Fair pay for a fair day!
Fair pay for a fair day! Can I hear it?
Fair pay for a fair day!
Fair pay for a fair day!
You've come to join us, Sarge.
I've gotta a spare chair for you.
I'm okay. Thanks, Keith.
Moving on to arrests?
Bold move, Officer.
Amy, it's your dad.
♪
And sends it down the leg side
and Pant has a little
push behind square,
and finds a glance that
will carry all the way down
to the boundary. No man
out there, easy runs.
Thanks, Aidan.
Yeah. Of course.
Okay, well, he wanted to be cremated.
We can talk about all
of this later, Amy.
We're in the middle
of a heat wave, Piper.
Leave him there any longer, he'll turn
to a sausage sizzle.
Put him in the cool
room at the bar for now.
I'll talk to the new rev,
get things moving for the funeral.
- Good morning, Daisy.
- How'd you sleep?
[DONKEY BRAYING]
What the hell is that
and why is it here?
[DONKEY BRAYING]
How'd you sleep?
Yeah, fine, good.
Thanks for asking twice.
I had the weirdest dream.
Super excited to hear about that,
but, look, if that is
your donkey out there,
then I feel like there's
a conversation coming
where we're gonna have to
lay down some roommate rules.
You were working with
Agnes, and it felt so real.
- I want in.
- Excuse me?
Whatever you're doing, I want in.
♪
How old are you?
Old enough to know that
I wanna get out of here.
And 300 bucks is not enough.
- So you're blackmailing me?
- No, I'm just trying to help
Out of the goodness
of your own heart or
- 500 bucks a week.
- Yeah.
So you know, that is blackmail,
and you can forget about it.
There is no way you can
pull off being a reverend,
and if you can't do that,
there is no Agnes deal.
You need me.
I think that I can manage
to read from an old book
for an hour a week. Thanks, kid.
Oh, hi. Please do come in.
Daisy, could we have a minute?
Look, if this is about the
livestock out there, I
Victor Petris passed
away this morning, Rev.
Right.
So the Palm Sunday service
today will be little somber.
And then we need to get started.
- Get started?
- Funeral preparation.
It could be huge.
It could be meaningful, Peter.
- Of course.
- No, no.
I mean, I It's not
like I knew the guy.
I can't bury him.
It's your church, and
you will be presiding.
Rev, the whole town is in mourning.
Consider the opportunity here.
Consider the people
coming through our doors.
Consider the grieving
friends and family, Peter.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
- Problem, Rev?
- Um, no.
I can can you
just give me one second?
♪
All right, here's the deal,
you don't say anything to anyone
and you help me get
through whatever busts in
are apparently unlockable front door.
Oh, I thought it was just reading
from an old book once a week
And I thought I saved your ass
from the bogans yesterday.
Hello?
How much?
Your first job is to get me
out of doing a funeral, hm?
- How much?
- 50 bucks a week.
- 500.
- Ah, no, 300,
and I won't charge you rent.
- How long?
- As long as it takes for me
to get paid and get the
hell out of this place.
I mean, but you're doing that funeral.
There is no more bullshit hour anywhere,
anytime than a funeral. They are lies.
Murders and tax avoiders
are suddenly the Dali Lama?
It's propaganda.
Look, was the dead guy even a Christian?
Did he want a church funeral?
And who thought to put
the clergy in all black?
I mean, they must have sent
them all over the world.
Some of those places
had to have been hot.
I mean, you'd think somebody
would've learned their lesson.
First things first, Palm Sunday service.
Consider it the warmup
you so very badly need.
Look, what's with Palm Sunday?
I mean every Sunday has to be
Palm Sunday around here, right?
I mean they're everywhere.
And and the donkey, I
mean, come on, what is that?
Some sort of alternative mode
of transportation for you guys?
Palm Sunday is where Jesus
rides into town on a donkey.
- Right.
- So I hope you are better
at donkey riding than
you are with the Bible.
Wait, what?
♪
Wait a second, this is the hardware?
Oi.
That actually makes a lot of sense now.
Hey, so, like, Renee does
actual hardware stuff too.
Like, she could change
the locks on the manse?
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.
Wow, that looks delicious.
Are you kidding me?
This has been here the whole time?
- Hey, Renee.
- Oh, morning, Daisy.
This the new rev?
- Guilty.
- Ah, good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Go on, grab a seat.
- Great.
- Thank you.
Prayers.
Prayers will keep you out of trouble.
So if anything happens,
just start a prayer, yeah?
Someone else will do the eulogy, right?
Stop, the funeral's tomorrow's problem.
And if you don't get
through Palm Sunday,
you won't be here long
enough for the funeral.
- Okay, so go.
- Our main issue is Peter.
Yeah. What is up with that guy?
Peter lives in fear of
the church being closed,
and he really knows his Bible,
so he'll know that you're a total fraud.
Just stick to the scripts.
I know it'll be boring as,
but he can't argue with the book.
Yeah, fine, yeah, got it. Boring's fine.
Just just let me handle Peter.
Okay? I reckon I can get rid of him.
Yeah, fine, whatever.
Wait, you were kidding
about the donkey, right?
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Mate.
Words.
Irreplaceable.
Hey Les, is is this
gonna affect opening hours?
Everybody's in terrible shock,
but people wanna know.
Better ask Amy. It's her bar now.
What are you talking about?
Your dad left the place to you.
It was always the plan. I got the boat.
- He was your boyfriend.
- He was your dad.
- Funeral is tomorrow.
- Amy.
Amy, this place is his legacy.
It's You're not
gonna sell it, are you?
God, Lester, shall we get
him in the ground first?
Your dad was connected
to everyone, you know?
It's this place can keep that alive.
♪
Cheers, Vic.
♪
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Happy Palm Sunday. Happy Palm Sunday.
- Good on you, Peter.
- Morning, Francis.
Good morning, Francis.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Anywhere you want, gents.
There'll be a few more coming, I'm sure.
Hey, come on. Come on
♪
Just one minute, Rev.
♪
All right. Uh, good morning.
Um, today's reading
is gonna be
from page
page 344.
It's just about halfway down.
David was the father of Solomon
whose mother had been Uriah's wife.
♪
Jehoshaphat the father of Jehoram
♪
Ahaz the father of Hezekiah
♪
- Coniah and his brothers
- Reverend!
At the time of the exile to Babylon.
Just give me one! One!
And Mary was the mother of Jesus
who is called the Messiah.
Amen.
So
- Let us pray.
- Reverend!
Dear God, we pray to you for
- Pause the sermon!
- Pizza.
Hot, fresh food for the hungry
♪
And heat for the cold.
Mack! [KNOCKING INTENSELY]
[GRUNTS]
Amen.
[GASPS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- Aidan made that, didn't he?
- Yep.
I'm fine.
Thought you could use
a hand with the funeral.
No.
There's a lot of admin
when someone dies.
Thank you for your concern, Officer.
- I'm happy to make a call or
- I said I'm fine.
- Grief is
- Yes, Piper.
Please tell me what grief is.
I'd love to hear a
police perspective on it.
I know you and your dad were close.
Was that before or after
he walked out on me and mom
and then shacked up with
someone else straight away?
Because that just makes
life in a small town so easy.
- I do remember, mate.
- Do you?
Because all I remember is you leaving
about three minutes later.
Go on. You've comforted the bereaved.
You've done your job.
You can go and put that
in your police report now.
You know that's not why I'm here.
Honestly, Piper, I have
no idea why you're here.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
How short can a funeral be?
Yeah, just just
give me a ballpark here.
You know, I'm not
actually a reverend myself.
Yeah. You signed up for this, kid.
Victor was popular.
You're gonna have to get it together
or questions will be asked.
- Is that coffee?
- Hey, Harry.
Hey, Daisy. We got a problem.
The power's off again, Rev.
Yeah, it sounds like
you need an electrician
more than you need a well, me.
The fridge is off at the bar.
Okay, so warm beer. British
tourists will be happy.
Vic's in the fridge.
He's gonna start to smell.
Uh, yeah, well, so why
are you telling me, man?
- Who should I be telling?
- I don't know, the undertaker?
Yeah, that's, um, you.
Plus, you know, you did
knock over the power pole.
Didn't somebody fix that?
Ron's been trying to put it up,
but it keeps falling over.
Hey. Hey, what's up?
Cam, what's up?
- Hi, Sheriff.
- Is it life or death?
Uh, it's it's kind of both.
Um, I need the hearse.
We've had that discussion, Reverend.
No, I get it.
You've got a job to do, but so do I.
And apparently today,
it's escorting a corpse
to the crematorium.
- Get someone else to do it.
- Okay, yeah.
Fine. Can you do it?
Or you know what? I'll ask Lester.
Apparently, he's been
drinking since, like, 9:00 a.m.
but he knows the roads
pretty well, right?
And oh, you know what? I got it.
I'll just tie him to the
back of Cameron's bike,
- and we'll drag him.
- [CHUCKLES]
So, officer, instructor, excuse me.
How am I doing?
Two hands for beginners. Ten and two.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[GRUNTS]
- You okay?
- Yep. I'm great.
So, tell me, um,
Victor was kind of a big
deal around here, huh?
Really big. No part of this town
Vic didn't have something to do with.
But quietly, you know?
He just got things done.
So, like, in terms
of the the service,
it's, like, a a lot of interest?
Oh, yeah. Pretty much a state funeral.
Great.
Is there, like, a law against
working AC in cars around here?
No, but there is a law against speeding
in a designated school zone.
When you get to your next turn,
slow down and indicate and take it.
- Indicate what?
- Use your blinker.
Oh, right. Yes, looking both ways.
Just pull over.
Wait, what are you doing?
Your miles to kilometers conversion
needs some serious practice.
Little fast, huh?
Maybe I just need a couple more lessons.
♪
Or I could put probation
plates on the hearse.
You can drive it like a teenager.
♪
I'll take it from here, Rev.
What? Really?
Really.
Out you get, junior.
♪
Can I see 20,000 to start me off?
Yes.
20,000 at the front. Can I see 22?
22, the far left.
- Can I see $25,000.
- [PHONE RINGING]
25 in the back.
Can I see 30,000? 32,000. 32 over here.
Rev Mack, how are you?
How are the people?
How's the weather? What's happening?
- Tell me everything.
- How do I blow off a funeral?
Oh, boy. A funeral already.
That's a that's a double ouchie.
Yeah. Is there any way out of it?
Well, did they ask you already?
Yeah.
Yeah, that ship has bolted, my friend.
I mean, it's a small town.
You don't show, questions will be asked.
- It'd be just plain weird.
- All right.
Well then, Mackenzie, I'm gonna
need you to run me through it.
Oh, that's a big ask over the phone.
Or I can screw it up,
and they'll kick me out of Clump,
and we both get hunted
down and executed.
Actually, they're not that hard.
I mean, it sounds like
you're grieving, right? 325?
I cannot believe they put you
in charge of a congregation.
Okay, listen to me,
slip a little Baileys into your coffee,
and you will sail
right through the wake.
38,000 going once.
Hey, listen with art older
is better, am I right?
Where are you?
And what's, like, a good
amount of art to buy?
Because some of this stuff [CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna tell you, it
feels like it's overpriced,
and, honestly, I don't even
think it's that accurate.
I have no idea what
you are talking about,
but if I am bankrolling
some pathetic attempt
to win back your wife, I swear
I am gonna make you regret it.
You know what? I'm gonna go with older.
Yes, it feels, you know, classier,
more sophisticated. Thank you, Paulo.
- Mackenzie, I promise you
- Paddle up over here.
55 Gs. Shut it down.
♪
- Uh, hey, Cam.
- Oh, hey, Rev.
You getting into grave robbing?
Funeral. My dog.
Right. Yes, in the graveyard
Thought we give everyone
a chance to say goodbye.
I put 2:00 p.m. on the signs,
so people should be here.
They all knew Guinness.
I mean, grief really affects
people in different ways.
Anyway, he deserves
a proper sendoff, Rev.
I'm gonna put him
between Reverend Sukmar
and Reverend White. Yeah,
they both loved Guinness.
I just
[SHOVEL THUDS]
I think that's Reverend Sukmar actually.
Sorry.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Used to wait for me when
I got home from school.
He slept beside me.
This one time, I went
away on camp for a weekend
and when I came back,
he nearly lost his mind.
It was like he was just
he was just sitting there
waiting for me to come back.
Still loving me even when
he wasn't looking at me.
Hey, Rev, maybe maybe
you could say a few words.
Yes, yes, of course. Of course.
God
we deliver into your care Guinness
♪
Who never stopped loving Cameron
- Even when I was on camp.
- Even when he was on camp.
♪
[SIGHS]
So a couple of hymns, a reading or two,
I'll say some nice things about the guy,
short, simple, done. Boom.
Yeah. You got it.
What is up with that thing?
I mean, Chicago is below freezing
for most of the winter.
You hardly ever see anybody
using one of those anymore.
- You need to make it Victor's.
- What?
To land the funeral.
Keep, you know, the
readings and the hymns.
That's all fine, but you need
to make it Victor's funeral.
Specifically his.
- I didn't know the guy.
- Yeah.
Well, when my mom died,
we lit sparkles on the beach at night,
and she loved beach fires,
so we made one that the
whole town held high.
That's all I remember
and really all that mattered.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Sorry, I didn't know
that your mom was dead.
You never asked.
What about your dad?
Night, Rev.
Night, kid.
And so it comes to
pass that Marshall Kegan
is entrusted into your
greater care, oh, Lord.
All the tender care and steadfast joy
that he gave to those he
loved throughout his own life.
It's important to remember,
young man, that we carry those
who pass in our hearts forever.
Your dad was a good man.
We'll remember him that way, always.
♪
Oh, my God! My
[SIGHS]
Don't don't you people
have houses of your own?
- Just dropping off his ashes.
- How did you get in?
With a key.
I changed the locks, like, yesterday.
Yeah, all good. Renee
gave us all the new ones.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
♪
Wait, Amy.
Amy Amy can you
tell me about your dad?
Okay, sure.
He woke up one morning,
realized he was gay,
and then ditched my mom to
run off with a fat barman.
♪
That work?
I don't know that I'm gonna start there.
Let's just focus on
scattering the ashes.
He wanted to be in the water.
How about you just write
down some bullet points
and you leave them in
the kitchen, please?
- People liked him.
- Anything else?
He liked fishing and cricket.
Oh, good, well, it's
gonna be short at least.
I'm sorry. I haven't prepared an essay,
but maybe when your dad
dies, you'll understand.
Well, I was 12 and a
little more preoccupied
with baseball cards,
but I get your point.
Amy, your dad wasn't perfect. I get it.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
But believe me, there are
truly bad fathers out there,
and if he wasn't one of 'em,
then you should do it right.
♪
You wanna leave those in the kitchen?
I'll find somewhere safe
in the church to keep 'em.
Yeah.
♪
- [SCREAMS]
- [DONKEY BRAYING]
Oh, no.
Well, now we're screwed.
Yeah, no kidding.
I'm about to give my first funeral
in front of an entire grieving town,
and I've just spilled
the ashes of the deceased
on some wooden steps
because of a donkey.
and I have nothing to say about the guy,
except for the fact
that his name was Victor
and he liked cricket.
So please tell me that you
got something to add to that.
- He was Lithuanian.
- That is good.
I can use that. Please more, more.
He he supported the Indian team.
Good, yeah.
Good, still cricket,
just even more specific.
Hey, why India?
What do you think?
We could uh, we can burn
some of the palm branches?
No, no, human ashes are very different.
We're animals. We have bones.
Animals have bones, huh?
You did go to school right, Rev?
♪
I got an idea. Come on.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
I don't know, kiwi, ham, and broccoli.
Ugh.
Got a little salty, little sweet.
No way.
[KNOCKS]
Hello?
♪
Yeah. Okay.
♪
Hey.
Hey. Hey, Rev.
Hey, buddy.
So, listen, Daisy and I were thinking
that maybe you would
like to give Guinness
a proper sendoff. What do you think?
You think you can get a
couple people to come along?
Cam, I think I can get
the whole town there.
How's that?
- Yeah, that'd be really great.
- Also, I'm just curious.
Do you know anything about cricket?
Like crickets? Yeah.
Yeah, they're orthopteran insects
with six legs or maybe eight.
- Never mind.
- Oh.
♪
Hello. [KNOCKS]
Anybody home?
Ah, hi. You must be Tropical Tess.
- Yeah.
- You still doing pizzas?
- No.
- Ah, it didn't catch on, huh?
No.
Ah, I mean, you were probably just
ahead of your time with
the lychee cheese beetroot explosion.
Cream of the cheese offsets
the sweetness of the lychee.
And then then you got the beetroot.
Exactly.
Does your oven still work?
- Yeah.
- You just got the one or?
Six ovens.
Okay. Tess, I'm gonna level with you.
This is gonna be an unusual request.
My condolences.
Vic would've been
thrilled to see you here.
Don't forget we're back open Sundays.
Open Sunday mornings again.
Expect to see you both here and you two.
10:00 a.m. Sundays. We
don't just do funerals.
[SIGHS] Oh, jeez.
♪
Hey.
Uh, look, if you're gonna arrest me
for some sort of traffic violation,
can it wait, like, an hour?
I've got a a thing for Victor.
I got you a temporary driving permit.
Really?
Slow down, stay left, and
watch out for wildlife.
Yeah, can do. Um, thanks.
- So where are the ashes?
- Huh?
The ashes, they can't
find them in the church.
I mean, right.
They they they wouldn't.
I mean, they're on the way.
From where, Chicago?
No, I It's it's kind of a thing.
Traditionally, the ashes
are the last to arrive.
It's the entrance of the deceased.
So you're all set?
No. Mm-mm.
I am about to send a guy off to heaven,
and I got more questions
than answers about him.
Like what?
Well, I know that he's a
was he was a Eastern
European immigrant
who lived in Australia,
but everybody keeps
talking about how he rooted
- for the Indian cricket team.
- [CHUCKLES]
Care to shed any light on that?
Yeah, yeah, I can.
Come on, man.
Hey, Rev, everyone's
waiting. It's gotta start.
Yeah, okay.
Come on, Cam.
[DISCORDANT ORGAN MUSIC]
♪
Oh, thank God.
Grab a seat folks.
And so it has come to
pass that Victor Petris
is entrusted into your
greater care, oh, Lord,
that which we cannot
imagine here on Earth.
Victor was
Sorry.
Does this seem weird to anybody else?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
I mean the the this outfit,
the book, the the
building, it I mean,
we're here to celebrate
a guy that hadn't set foot
in this place in, I
don't know, was it years?
♪
All right, everybody, on your feet.
♪
Yeah, up. Let's go.
♪
Follow me.
Coming up on only ♪
To hold you under ♪
Now, come on everybody. This way.
[BAND OF HORSES' "THE FUNERAL"]
And coming up only ♪
- You think Vic will mind, Rev?
- Not at all, pal.
♪
And to know you is hard ♪
We wonder ♪
♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
♪
I didn't know, Victor. I
know that he didn't say much.
He was a bit too busy
being thoroughly absorbed
in fishing and cricket,
the two slowest and
most uneventful sports
in the history of the world.
I mean, at least with fishing,
you get something to eat, right?
Cricket, I am reliably informed,
features five-day games
that routinely don't even have a winner.
Victor rooted for the
Indian cricket team.
A group of people competing in a sport
that he had never played for a country
that he had never even been near.
But Victor rooted for
India because he knew
that when Australia won,
a few million people were happy
for an afternoon at a barbecue.
But when India won,
man, a billion people
would party in the streets for a week.
When India won global happiness
just shot through the roof.
He never been to India.
He'd never met her people.
But somehow from from across oceans,
he felt the power of
their collective joy.
Now I am not gonna stand here
and pretend that I am into cricket
or that I'm really into
fishing for that matter.
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
But Victor loved all of you,
even when you weren't looking.
♪
And I can get into that.
♪
I'm coming up only ♪
To show you're down for ♪
♪
And coming up only to show ♪
Nice touch.
♪
To the outside ♪
The dead leaves lay on the lawn ♪
♪
For they don't have trees ♪
[WHISPERS] You get to be a fish.
♪
Ooh ♪
♪
At every occasion ♪
I'll be ready for the funeral ♪
♪
- You must be hungry.
- Thank you.
He would've loved that.
♪
I'll be right back.
♪
At every occasion ♪
I'll be ready for the funeral ♪
♪
At every occasion ♪
One billion day funeral ♪
♪
Oi, you lot, who wants a drink?
[ALL CHEER]
This one is on Victor.
[ALL CHEER]
That was beautiful.
♪
See you, Guinness.
What's up with the
bathroom being locked again?
Because there's someone in there.
Who?
At least is getting
them to church, kind of.
- Yeah.
- I've got something for you.
Really hope it's not
whatever is on this toast.
At least look at the pictures.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Thanks.
I'm only in this for the cash, bozo.
♪
I'm gonna turn in early.
Night, kid.
Night Rev. You did all right today.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
I guess it's gonna be a while
until we talk then, eh, Dad?
Maybe I can tell you some stuff anyway.
♪
He's in Australia.
- What are you waiting for?
- Yeah.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Pujara leans forward
and punches it through
the covers, and he's
beaten a chasing Hazelwood.
That's a glorious stroke,
and it's going all the way to the rope.
I don't like it.
All due respect, Agnes,
you're not exactly flush with options.
- I don't like you either.
- You got good company there.
You are looking at a remote
seaside church in 2022.
I mean, they could stack
the pews with gold bullion,
and no one would come looking.
And this isn't even the
church. It's the church office.
It's kinda like a island
off the coast of an island.
- I still don't like you.
- Hey.
Hey, did you take your hat
off when you were in there?
- Yeah.
- Why?
The church.
I know what the building is, man.
I'm just asking why
you took your hat off.
You can't have your
hat on in church, mate.
Very disrespectful.
Mate, if this gets busted, I
am moving into a two bed cell
at Indigo Valley Maximum
Security with my sister. Yeah?
And we have some historical issues that,
well, that might prove
slightly uncomfortable.
I'm very sorry to hear that,
but, look, if this gets busted,
I get busted, and there
is a much worse fate
waiting for me than
a family prison cell.
So let me get this straight.
You don't wanna disrespect the God
that you don't believe
in, is that right?
- I didn't say I don't believe.
- So you do believe in him?
Mate, I'm not gonna get into
the complexions of my beliefs.
All right? All I'm saying
is that when I get up there,
I'll be happy I did.
- What, took off your hat?
- Yeah.
After filling his sacred house
of worship with illegal tobacco.
- Exactly
- Five grand a week.
That'll be three grand
a week, altar boy.
And you'll get it at
the end of the month.
Storage, safeguarding,
and dispatch for a month
of high personal risk
with nothing upfront, huh?
- Fine, five a week.
- Upfront.
Nothing like a Christian contraband deal
before breakfast, eh, Agnes?
You have a sizable pair
of balls for a priest
I'll give you that.
♪
You're not gonna tell me, are you?
- Tell you what?
- Who you really are.
Me? I'm the reverend.
[LAUGHS]
[CHEERY VOCAL MUSIC]
♪
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Catch me a fish.
Cummins strides in to
bowl, over the wicket,
and Pujara pounces on
it, pushing it out past
extra cover, and it will
be picked up in the deep.
Nathan Lyon doing the honors.
Just a single to take
Pujara into the 60s.
Pat Cummins scratching his head.
Attack or defend, what can you do?
- [GRUNTS]
- Is the pitch going to crack?
Where's the downpour coming from?
Who's he going to throw the ball to?
Who can stop the bleeding?
So Hazelwood approaches again,
and he's slapped over cover,
one bounce to the rope,
and this is fast becoming
a humiliation for the visitors
♪
Here we go folks, VIP guests.
Fair pay! Fair pay for a fair day!
Fair pay for a fair day! Can I hear it?
Fair pay for a fair day!
Fair pay for a fair day!
You've come to join us, Sarge.
I've gotta a spare chair for you.
I'm okay. Thanks, Keith.
Moving on to arrests?
Bold move, Officer.
Amy, it's your dad.
♪
And sends it down the leg side
and Pant has a little
push behind square,
and finds a glance that
will carry all the way down
to the boundary. No man
out there, easy runs.
Thanks, Aidan.
Yeah. Of course.
Okay, well, he wanted to be cremated.
We can talk about all
of this later, Amy.
We're in the middle
of a heat wave, Piper.
Leave him there any longer, he'll turn
to a sausage sizzle.
Put him in the cool
room at the bar for now.
I'll talk to the new rev,
get things moving for the funeral.
- Good morning, Daisy.
- How'd you sleep?
[DONKEY BRAYING]
What the hell is that
and why is it here?
[DONKEY BRAYING]
How'd you sleep?
Yeah, fine, good.
Thanks for asking twice.
I had the weirdest dream.
Super excited to hear about that,
but, look, if that is
your donkey out there,
then I feel like there's
a conversation coming
where we're gonna have to
lay down some roommate rules.
You were working with
Agnes, and it felt so real.
- I want in.
- Excuse me?
Whatever you're doing, I want in.
♪
How old are you?
Old enough to know that
I wanna get out of here.
And 300 bucks is not enough.
- So you're blackmailing me?
- No, I'm just trying to help
Out of the goodness
of your own heart or
- 500 bucks a week.
- Yeah.
So you know, that is blackmail,
and you can forget about it.
There is no way you can
pull off being a reverend,
and if you can't do that,
there is no Agnes deal.
You need me.
I think that I can manage
to read from an old book
for an hour a week. Thanks, kid.
Oh, hi. Please do come in.
Daisy, could we have a minute?
Look, if this is about the
livestock out there, I
Victor Petris passed
away this morning, Rev.
Right.
So the Palm Sunday service
today will be little somber.
And then we need to get started.
- Get started?
- Funeral preparation.
It could be huge.
It could be meaningful, Peter.
- Of course.
- No, no.
I mean, I It's not
like I knew the guy.
I can't bury him.
It's your church, and
you will be presiding.
Rev, the whole town is in mourning.
Consider the opportunity here.
Consider the people
coming through our doors.
Consider the grieving
friends and family, Peter.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
- Problem, Rev?
- Um, no.
I can can you
just give me one second?
♪
All right, here's the deal,
you don't say anything to anyone
and you help me get
through whatever busts in
are apparently unlockable front door.
Oh, I thought it was just reading
from an old book once a week
And I thought I saved your ass
from the bogans yesterday.
Hello?
How much?
Your first job is to get me
out of doing a funeral, hm?
- How much?
- 50 bucks a week.
- 500.
- Ah, no, 300,
and I won't charge you rent.
- How long?
- As long as it takes for me
to get paid and get the
hell out of this place.
I mean, but you're doing that funeral.
There is no more bullshit hour anywhere,
anytime than a funeral. They are lies.
Murders and tax avoiders
are suddenly the Dali Lama?
It's propaganda.
Look, was the dead guy even a Christian?
Did he want a church funeral?
And who thought to put
the clergy in all black?
I mean, they must have sent
them all over the world.
Some of those places
had to have been hot.
I mean, you'd think somebody
would've learned their lesson.
First things first, Palm Sunday service.
Consider it the warmup
you so very badly need.
Look, what's with Palm Sunday?
I mean every Sunday has to be
Palm Sunday around here, right?
I mean they're everywhere.
And and the donkey, I
mean, come on, what is that?
Some sort of alternative mode
of transportation for you guys?
Palm Sunday is where Jesus
rides into town on a donkey.
- Right.
- So I hope you are better
at donkey riding than
you are with the Bible.
Wait, what?
♪
Wait a second, this is the hardware?
Oi.
That actually makes a lot of sense now.
Hey, so, like, Renee does
actual hardware stuff too.
Like, she could change
the locks on the manse?
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.
Wow, that looks delicious.
Are you kidding me?
This has been here the whole time?
- Hey, Renee.
- Oh, morning, Daisy.
This the new rev?
- Guilty.
- Ah, good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Go on, grab a seat.
- Great.
- Thank you.
Prayers.
Prayers will keep you out of trouble.
So if anything happens,
just start a prayer, yeah?
Someone else will do the eulogy, right?
Stop, the funeral's tomorrow's problem.
And if you don't get
through Palm Sunday,
you won't be here long
enough for the funeral.
- Okay, so go.
- Our main issue is Peter.
Yeah. What is up with that guy?
Peter lives in fear of
the church being closed,
and he really knows his Bible,
so he'll know that you're a total fraud.
Just stick to the scripts.
I know it'll be boring as,
but he can't argue with the book.
Yeah, fine, yeah, got it. Boring's fine.
Just just let me handle Peter.
Okay? I reckon I can get rid of him.
Yeah, fine, whatever.
Wait, you were kidding
about the donkey, right?
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Mate.
Words.
Irreplaceable.
Hey Les, is is this
gonna affect opening hours?
Everybody's in terrible shock,
but people wanna know.
Better ask Amy. It's her bar now.
What are you talking about?
Your dad left the place to you.
It was always the plan. I got the boat.
- He was your boyfriend.
- He was your dad.
- Funeral is tomorrow.
- Amy.
Amy, this place is his legacy.
It's You're not
gonna sell it, are you?
God, Lester, shall we get
him in the ground first?
Your dad was connected
to everyone, you know?
It's this place can keep that alive.
♪
Cheers, Vic.
♪
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Happy Palm Sunday. Happy Palm Sunday.
- Good on you, Peter.
- Morning, Francis.
Good morning, Francis.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Anywhere you want, gents.
There'll be a few more coming, I'm sure.
Hey, come on. Come on
♪
Just one minute, Rev.
♪
All right. Uh, good morning.
Um, today's reading
is gonna be
from page
page 344.
It's just about halfway down.
David was the father of Solomon
whose mother had been Uriah's wife.
♪
Jehoshaphat the father of Jehoram
♪
Ahaz the father of Hezekiah
♪
- Coniah and his brothers
- Reverend!
At the time of the exile to Babylon.
Just give me one! One!
And Mary was the mother of Jesus
who is called the Messiah.
Amen.
So
- Let us pray.
- Reverend!
Dear God, we pray to you for
- Pause the sermon!
- Pizza.
Hot, fresh food for the hungry
♪
And heat for the cold.
Mack! [KNOCKING INTENSELY]
[GRUNTS]
Amen.
[GASPS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- Aidan made that, didn't he?
- Yep.
I'm fine.
Thought you could use
a hand with the funeral.
No.
There's a lot of admin
when someone dies.
Thank you for your concern, Officer.
- I'm happy to make a call or
- I said I'm fine.
- Grief is
- Yes, Piper.
Please tell me what grief is.
I'd love to hear a
police perspective on it.
I know you and your dad were close.
Was that before or after
he walked out on me and mom
and then shacked up with
someone else straight away?
Because that just makes
life in a small town so easy.
- I do remember, mate.
- Do you?
Because all I remember is you leaving
about three minutes later.
Go on. You've comforted the bereaved.
You've done your job.
You can go and put that
in your police report now.
You know that's not why I'm here.
Honestly, Piper, I have
no idea why you're here.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
How short can a funeral be?
Yeah, just just
give me a ballpark here.
You know, I'm not
actually a reverend myself.
Yeah. You signed up for this, kid.
Victor was popular.
You're gonna have to get it together
or questions will be asked.
- Is that coffee?
- Hey, Harry.
Hey, Daisy. We got a problem.
The power's off again, Rev.
Yeah, it sounds like
you need an electrician
more than you need a well, me.
The fridge is off at the bar.
Okay, so warm beer. British
tourists will be happy.
Vic's in the fridge.
He's gonna start to smell.
Uh, yeah, well, so why
are you telling me, man?
- Who should I be telling?
- I don't know, the undertaker?
Yeah, that's, um, you.
Plus, you know, you did
knock over the power pole.
Didn't somebody fix that?
Ron's been trying to put it up,
but it keeps falling over.
Hey. Hey, what's up?
Cam, what's up?
- Hi, Sheriff.
- Is it life or death?
Uh, it's it's kind of both.
Um, I need the hearse.
We've had that discussion, Reverend.
No, I get it.
You've got a job to do, but so do I.
And apparently today,
it's escorting a corpse
to the crematorium.
- Get someone else to do it.
- Okay, yeah.
Fine. Can you do it?
Or you know what? I'll ask Lester.
Apparently, he's been
drinking since, like, 9:00 a.m.
but he knows the roads
pretty well, right?
And oh, you know what? I got it.
I'll just tie him to the
back of Cameron's bike,
- and we'll drag him.
- [CHUCKLES]
So, officer, instructor, excuse me.
How am I doing?
Two hands for beginners. Ten and two.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[GRUNTS]
- You okay?
- Yep. I'm great.
So, tell me, um,
Victor was kind of a big
deal around here, huh?
Really big. No part of this town
Vic didn't have something to do with.
But quietly, you know?
He just got things done.
So, like, in terms
of the the service,
it's, like, a a lot of interest?
Oh, yeah. Pretty much a state funeral.
Great.
Is there, like, a law against
working AC in cars around here?
No, but there is a law against speeding
in a designated school zone.
When you get to your next turn,
slow down and indicate and take it.
- Indicate what?
- Use your blinker.
Oh, right. Yes, looking both ways.
Just pull over.
Wait, what are you doing?
Your miles to kilometers conversion
needs some serious practice.
Little fast, huh?
Maybe I just need a couple more lessons.
♪
Or I could put probation
plates on the hearse.
You can drive it like a teenager.
♪
I'll take it from here, Rev.
What? Really?
Really.
Out you get, junior.
♪
Can I see 20,000 to start me off?
Yes.
20,000 at the front. Can I see 22?
22, the far left.
- Can I see $25,000.
- [PHONE RINGING]
25 in the back.
Can I see 30,000? 32,000. 32 over here.
Rev Mack, how are you?
How are the people?
How's the weather? What's happening?
- Tell me everything.
- How do I blow off a funeral?
Oh, boy. A funeral already.
That's a that's a double ouchie.
Yeah. Is there any way out of it?
Well, did they ask you already?
Yeah.
Yeah, that ship has bolted, my friend.
I mean, it's a small town.
You don't show, questions will be asked.
- It'd be just plain weird.
- All right.
Well then, Mackenzie, I'm gonna
need you to run me through it.
Oh, that's a big ask over the phone.
Or I can screw it up,
and they'll kick me out of Clump,
and we both get hunted
down and executed.
Actually, they're not that hard.
I mean, it sounds like
you're grieving, right? 325?
I cannot believe they put you
in charge of a congregation.
Okay, listen to me,
slip a little Baileys into your coffee,
and you will sail
right through the wake.
38,000 going once.
Hey, listen with art older
is better, am I right?
Where are you?
And what's, like, a good
amount of art to buy?
Because some of this stuff [CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna tell you, it
feels like it's overpriced,
and, honestly, I don't even
think it's that accurate.
I have no idea what
you are talking about,
but if I am bankrolling
some pathetic attempt
to win back your wife, I swear
I am gonna make you regret it.
You know what? I'm gonna go with older.
Yes, it feels, you know, classier,
more sophisticated. Thank you, Paulo.
- Mackenzie, I promise you
- Paddle up over here.
55 Gs. Shut it down.
♪
- Uh, hey, Cam.
- Oh, hey, Rev.
You getting into grave robbing?
Funeral. My dog.
Right. Yes, in the graveyard
Thought we give everyone
a chance to say goodbye.
I put 2:00 p.m. on the signs,
so people should be here.
They all knew Guinness.
I mean, grief really affects
people in different ways.
Anyway, he deserves
a proper sendoff, Rev.
I'm gonna put him
between Reverend Sukmar
and Reverend White. Yeah,
they both loved Guinness.
I just
[SHOVEL THUDS]
I think that's Reverend Sukmar actually.
Sorry.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Used to wait for me when
I got home from school.
He slept beside me.
This one time, I went
away on camp for a weekend
and when I came back,
he nearly lost his mind.
It was like he was just
he was just sitting there
waiting for me to come back.
Still loving me even when
he wasn't looking at me.
Hey, Rev, maybe maybe
you could say a few words.
Yes, yes, of course. Of course.
God
we deliver into your care Guinness
♪
Who never stopped loving Cameron
- Even when I was on camp.
- Even when he was on camp.
♪
[SIGHS]
So a couple of hymns, a reading or two,
I'll say some nice things about the guy,
short, simple, done. Boom.
Yeah. You got it.
What is up with that thing?
I mean, Chicago is below freezing
for most of the winter.
You hardly ever see anybody
using one of those anymore.
- You need to make it Victor's.
- What?
To land the funeral.
Keep, you know, the
readings and the hymns.
That's all fine, but you need
to make it Victor's funeral.
Specifically his.
- I didn't know the guy.
- Yeah.
Well, when my mom died,
we lit sparkles on the beach at night,
and she loved beach fires,
so we made one that the
whole town held high.
That's all I remember
and really all that mattered.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Sorry, I didn't know
that your mom was dead.
You never asked.
What about your dad?
Night, Rev.
Night, kid.
And so it comes to
pass that Marshall Kegan
is entrusted into your
greater care, oh, Lord.
All the tender care and steadfast joy
that he gave to those he
loved throughout his own life.
It's important to remember,
young man, that we carry those
who pass in our hearts forever.
Your dad was a good man.
We'll remember him that way, always.
♪
Oh, my God! My
[SIGHS]
Don't don't you people
have houses of your own?
- Just dropping off his ashes.
- How did you get in?
With a key.
I changed the locks, like, yesterday.
Yeah, all good. Renee
gave us all the new ones.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
♪
Wait, Amy.
Amy Amy can you
tell me about your dad?
Okay, sure.
He woke up one morning,
realized he was gay,
and then ditched my mom to
run off with a fat barman.
♪
That work?
I don't know that I'm gonna start there.
Let's just focus on
scattering the ashes.
He wanted to be in the water.
How about you just write
down some bullet points
and you leave them in
the kitchen, please?
- People liked him.
- Anything else?
He liked fishing and cricket.
Oh, good, well, it's
gonna be short at least.
I'm sorry. I haven't prepared an essay,
but maybe when your dad
dies, you'll understand.
Well, I was 12 and a
little more preoccupied
with baseball cards,
but I get your point.
Amy, your dad wasn't perfect. I get it.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
But believe me, there are
truly bad fathers out there,
and if he wasn't one of 'em,
then you should do it right.
♪
You wanna leave those in the kitchen?
I'll find somewhere safe
in the church to keep 'em.
Yeah.
♪
- [SCREAMS]
- [DONKEY BRAYING]
Oh, no.
Well, now we're screwed.
Yeah, no kidding.
I'm about to give my first funeral
in front of an entire grieving town,
and I've just spilled
the ashes of the deceased
on some wooden steps
because of a donkey.
and I have nothing to say about the guy,
except for the fact
that his name was Victor
and he liked cricket.
So please tell me that you
got something to add to that.
- He was Lithuanian.
- That is good.
I can use that. Please more, more.
He he supported the Indian team.
Good, yeah.
Good, still cricket,
just even more specific.
Hey, why India?
What do you think?
We could uh, we can burn
some of the palm branches?
No, no, human ashes are very different.
We're animals. We have bones.
Animals have bones, huh?
You did go to school right, Rev?
♪
I got an idea. Come on.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
I don't know, kiwi, ham, and broccoli.
Ugh.
Got a little salty, little sweet.
No way.
[KNOCKS]
Hello?
♪
Yeah. Okay.
♪
Hey.
Hey. Hey, Rev.
Hey, buddy.
So, listen, Daisy and I were thinking
that maybe you would
like to give Guinness
a proper sendoff. What do you think?
You think you can get a
couple people to come along?
Cam, I think I can get
the whole town there.
How's that?
- Yeah, that'd be really great.
- Also, I'm just curious.
Do you know anything about cricket?
Like crickets? Yeah.
Yeah, they're orthopteran insects
with six legs or maybe eight.
- Never mind.
- Oh.
♪
Hello. [KNOCKS]
Anybody home?
Ah, hi. You must be Tropical Tess.
- Yeah.
- You still doing pizzas?
- No.
- Ah, it didn't catch on, huh?
No.
Ah, I mean, you were probably just
ahead of your time with
the lychee cheese beetroot explosion.
Cream of the cheese offsets
the sweetness of the lychee.
And then then you got the beetroot.
Exactly.
Does your oven still work?
- Yeah.
- You just got the one or?
Six ovens.
Okay. Tess, I'm gonna level with you.
This is gonna be an unusual request.
My condolences.
Vic would've been
thrilled to see you here.
Don't forget we're back open Sundays.
Open Sunday mornings again.
Expect to see you both here and you two.
10:00 a.m. Sundays. We
don't just do funerals.
[SIGHS] Oh, jeez.
♪
Hey.
Uh, look, if you're gonna arrest me
for some sort of traffic violation,
can it wait, like, an hour?
I've got a a thing for Victor.
I got you a temporary driving permit.
Really?
Slow down, stay left, and
watch out for wildlife.
Yeah, can do. Um, thanks.
- So where are the ashes?
- Huh?
The ashes, they can't
find them in the church.
I mean, right.
They they they wouldn't.
I mean, they're on the way.
From where, Chicago?
No, I It's it's kind of a thing.
Traditionally, the ashes
are the last to arrive.
It's the entrance of the deceased.
So you're all set?
No. Mm-mm.
I am about to send a guy off to heaven,
and I got more questions
than answers about him.
Like what?
Well, I know that he's a
was he was a Eastern
European immigrant
who lived in Australia,
but everybody keeps
talking about how he rooted
- for the Indian cricket team.
- [CHUCKLES]
Care to shed any light on that?
Yeah, yeah, I can.
Come on, man.
Hey, Rev, everyone's
waiting. It's gotta start.
Yeah, okay.
Come on, Cam.
[DISCORDANT ORGAN MUSIC]
♪
Oh, thank God.
Grab a seat folks.
And so it has come to
pass that Victor Petris
is entrusted into your
greater care, oh, Lord,
that which we cannot
imagine here on Earth.
Victor was
Sorry.
Does this seem weird to anybody else?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
I mean the the this outfit,
the book, the the
building, it I mean,
we're here to celebrate
a guy that hadn't set foot
in this place in, I
don't know, was it years?
♪
All right, everybody, on your feet.
♪
Yeah, up. Let's go.
♪
Follow me.
Coming up on only ♪
To hold you under ♪
Now, come on everybody. This way.
[BAND OF HORSES' "THE FUNERAL"]
And coming up only ♪
- You think Vic will mind, Rev?
- Not at all, pal.
♪
And to know you is hard ♪
We wonder ♪
♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
♪
I didn't know, Victor. I
know that he didn't say much.
He was a bit too busy
being thoroughly absorbed
in fishing and cricket,
the two slowest and
most uneventful sports
in the history of the world.
I mean, at least with fishing,
you get something to eat, right?
Cricket, I am reliably informed,
features five-day games
that routinely don't even have a winner.
Victor rooted for the
Indian cricket team.
A group of people competing in a sport
that he had never played for a country
that he had never even been near.
But Victor rooted for
India because he knew
that when Australia won,
a few million people were happy
for an afternoon at a barbecue.
But when India won,
man, a billion people
would party in the streets for a week.
When India won global happiness
just shot through the roof.
He never been to India.
He'd never met her people.
But somehow from from across oceans,
he felt the power of
their collective joy.
Now I am not gonna stand here
and pretend that I am into cricket
or that I'm really into
fishing for that matter.
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
But Victor loved all of you,
even when you weren't looking.
♪
And I can get into that.
♪
I'm coming up only ♪
To show you're down for ♪
♪
And coming up only to show ♪
Nice touch.
♪
To the outside ♪
The dead leaves lay on the lawn ♪
♪
For they don't have trees ♪
[WHISPERS] You get to be a fish.
♪
Ooh ♪
♪
At every occasion ♪
I'll be ready for the funeral ♪
♪
- You must be hungry.
- Thank you.
He would've loved that.
♪
I'll be right back.
♪
At every occasion ♪
I'll be ready for the funeral ♪
♪
At every occasion ♪
One billion day funeral ♪
♪
Oi, you lot, who wants a drink?
[ALL CHEER]
This one is on Victor.
[ALL CHEER]
That was beautiful.
♪
See you, Guinness.
What's up with the
bathroom being locked again?
Because there's someone in there.
Who?
At least is getting
them to church, kind of.
- Yeah.
- I've got something for you.
Really hope it's not
whatever is on this toast.
At least look at the pictures.
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
Thanks.
I'm only in this for the cash, bozo.
♪
I'm gonna turn in early.
Night, kid.
Night Rev. You did all right today.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
I guess it's gonna be a while
until we talk then, eh, Dad?
Maybe I can tell you some stuff anyway.
♪
He's in Australia.
- What are you waiting for?
- Yeah.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪