It's a Date (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

1 No, I'm serious, it's scary.
Have you seen him? His eyes are improbably close together.
Don't! They are! His left eye is technically his right eye.
Oh! Hey, word around town is you've given notice.
Uh, yeah, afraid so.
I can't say too much but I may be moving on to do something that I love and, um, might make me a decent bit of coin.
You're not becoming a professional sperm donor are you? Damn! I was trying to keep that on the down low.
Oh, actually that reminds me, I've got to get back to the office, I can't afford to blow an entire morning here.
Well, certainly not on the showroom floor, no.
No.
But the back office is free, I've got some magazines.
What? Which ones? Just Better Homes and Gardens, I'm afraid.
Ooh, yes, that actually could do it.
Ooh! I'm a demon for a pergola and don't get me started on self-standing hammocks.
Get in there, champ! Anyone ordered a chandelier? Nice one, eBay! Pip, no texting at the table.
Whatever.
Bloody hell, I'm sick of those stupid shakes.
Proof's in the pudding, Mum, feel this.
I don't know why you got that, it doesn't suit the house.
Dad I'm just going to use the home phone.
I think it brings a touch of class to be honest.
Ran out of credit.
Hold on, who are you calling, son? Yeah, Dick, who you calling? No-one.
Oh, my God, it's a girl! Leave him alone! It's not.
Oh, it is! Anyone we know? Oh, don't take up poker, do not take up poker! It's a girl! Um I reckon we've got a pretty good thing going on here.
I think you're pretty OK and you've obviously got designs on this.
Well, I wouldn't want to come between you and some outdoor furniture.
Well, you know I dunno, I thought maybe you and I should go out one night.
You know, just hit the tiles.
Hit the tiles? Yeah! How old are you, 60? You're not 60, are you? You are very grey.
It's OK, I like older men.
Yeah, not that much older.
Is this even allowed, being my boss? Ah, look, you know, I I think that's clean there, champ.
You guys should do a podcast.
OK.
Yeah, thanks, Jordan.
So where are we going? Nursing home? Oh, because of the grey? That's very good, very funny.
No, um, I've got it all worked out.
Ah I have a little something I'd think you'd like to see.
Oh I hope that little something's not too little! Oh, no, it's not my penis.
Oh, phew.
No, it's um look it's surprising and exciting and you know, pretty bloody funny in hindsight.
Yes, it is my knob.
So what do you say? Oh, why not? It's been ages since I've been out with a funny knob.
Great.
It's a date.
I feel like we should hug, or Do you? Nup.
Handshake? Nah.
Maybe just trigger finger my way out of here, yeah? OK.
OK.
Pew, pew! Got a little bit of the old bomp Idiot.
Mum? Mum.
Mum! Look at this.
It's very good, sweetheart.
I haven't even started it yet! Oh, I'm sorry, love, but I've got to get this list finalised for the charity gala Saturday week.
I'm sure it's wonderful.
Hello? Hello, Lucy? It's Richard.
Richard Foot from the debate team? Oh, hey, Richard.
Um what's up? Not much.
I was just thinking about the debate actually.
Yeah? Yeah, what about it? Oh, I was just wondering are you rebutting? 'Cause I forgot.
No No, you are, you always rebut, don't you? Yeah.
Come on, Mum, just a little listen.
No.
Everyone deserves a little privacy.
Looks alright there.
Stand aside, stand aside now.
Oh, my God.
I was, I was wondering if maybe And you don't have to, don't feel like you have to.
But Y-you what? The last thing I'd want is for you to feel like you have to.
Don't, don't you dare.
I might have to.
OK? I'm his brother, this is how it works.
Yeah? Ah, Richard, what are you trying to ask me? W-would you like to go out with me? For dinner! Oh! Oh, yeah! You, arsehole.
No, it was my arsehole! I hate you! Relax, dude, it was hilarious.
It was just a fart, Dick.
My life is ruined now! I hate you, I hate all of you! Hello? Yes.
What? Yes, I would like to go out with you.
R-really? That's awesome! I was thinking somewhere in the city.
Oh, look, my dad doesn't really like me going out in the city at night.
Maybe I could come to your place? You can cook for me.
Sure.
Hi.
Hi.
So, what do you plan to do with me tonight? Hope you're not expecting sex.
Oh.
Ah, yeah, I was actually, totally.
I'm wearing a condom as we speak.
Well, that's just presumptuous.
I was going for coolly confident.
You're not my boss tonight.
Something smells good.
Now have you got everything you need, love? Ah, yep.
Now, Brendan won't be coming home, will he? No, no, he's off rock climbing with the lads.
And Pip? Bloody Tony's.
I-I don't mean to be rude, guys, but can you No, no, don't worry about us.
We'll be in the kitchen watching the tennis.
Women's final.
Are you a serial killer? What makes you say that? That's a lot of post-it-notes.
It's a bit scary.
Well, no, in answer to your question.
But I do kill.
On a regular basis.
And mostly at night.
I'm a stand-up comedian.
Are you? 9 months, 17 gigs.
Wow! Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Are we are we seeing a show tonight? Two.
Early one and a late one.
And, um .
.
guess who's on the bill? Wil Anderson? Well, yeah, and me.
Oh! Oh! Second up in the first bracket, so, tada! Tada! Vibrato.
Now I'm a bit nervous! Why should you be nervous? Well, what if you're shit? It's sad that, um, Mrs Derrico is leaving at the end of this year.
Mmm, and do you think it's because she's gay? No, I don't think I think it's because she's pregnant.
You know, maternity leave? Yeah, no, I know.
No, I was just joking.
Oh! Yeah, I guess that would be funny.
Nice chandelier.
I better go check on dinner.
So, Barbecue Shapes, what's that about? Do you have to eat them at barbecues? Anyway, you've been you've attended, so thank you and we'll see you tomorrow night.
Alright, ladies and gentlemen, Jazzy Kay! If you ah if you wanna catch him again you can see him in the line at Centrelink.
Anyway, we're gonna push on with this show.
We're gonna keep it rolling, quite literally, with your next act.
So let's get some energy back into this room, big round of applause right now for the wonderful Wheels McGee! Now you know the bastard who scored the sweet parking spot.
Mum, what're you doing? I just thought I'd get started on it.
I don't need your help! Yes! What was that? Sound like someone's having a good time.
Oh, menus are a bloody nightmare for us.
I'm gluten intolerant, Pauline's wheat intolerant, Brendan is lactose intolerant, Pip is tree nut, can you believe it? And little Rich, he's fructose.
Bloody fructose.
Dad! Rich, you didn't tell me, Lucy loves a little bit of rap music.
Dad, please don't.
She does, she just told me.
No, Dad, she doesn't, she's just being polite.
No, I like rap.
She likes rap.
Do you like bacon? Yeah, sure.
'Course you do.
Oh God.
Everyone likes bacon.
I ain't fakin' When I'm makin' bacon For goodness sakin' This is yours for the takin' Like Mr Kevin! Kevin, Kevin Bacon! He's gonna kick some bacon! He's gonna Uh-oh, looks like I'm on a roll, again.
No, no, it's not all fun though.
Um you know, the worst thing about being in a wheelchair is that every time I order something to eat on the street, some old lady steals it, thinking its meals on wheels.
No, ah, ah.
No standing ovations, please.
I'll get jealous.
I have been Wheels McGee and you guys have been shit house! Thank you! Whoo! Brave little prick.
I never know how much spaghetti to put in.
Look, can you guys please, just please leave us alone.
She liked the rap! Arsehole! Bloody Tony.
It's over! What happened this time? I don't know, it just came out of the blue! I hate Tony.
Verity! I can't wait to see it.
Would you, um, be a doll and ah just take a photo? Oh! Is, is this your girlfriend? Oh, God, no.
No, I-I'm his carer! Just a little care bear! W-w-what's with the silent 'J' in mojito? Don't you think it's so unnecessary? W-why would you have something so unnecessary? Say 'cheese'! Cheese! Parmesan! Oh! So, um, how did you end up in a wheelchair? Good question! Yeah.
Um was, uh, polio.
I didn't really think anyone got polio any more.
Yeah.
No, I thought I had polio and then I went to the doctor, turned out to just be a r-really nasty cold.
But then on the way home, car accident.
That is such a sad story.
I know.
Yeah.
Such a sad story.
Your dad friended me on Facebook.
Arsehole! Thanks! Um, is everything OK out there? Yeah, just my sister and her boyfriend, Tony, they break up every Saturday, it's kind of their thing.
I hope the sauce isn't too rich for you.
No! I guess it must be fun having brothers and sisters.
I think I'm adopted.
Really? I have this dream, it's not really a dream, it's more of a wish, but that one day I'll um my Mum and Dad, they sit me down, and they tell me that I'm adopted and I go and I find my biological mother and father and they're just Quieter? Better.
- I hate him! - I'm a lesbian now.
Coast is clear.
Those.
Best Tapas in town, this place.
Oh, good.
You're OK to walk then? Yeah.
It's down here.
Do you like chorizo? Yep.
Yum.
OK, just have to ask Let me guess, how do I get my ideas? No.
What the fuck?! Steady on.
Me steady on? You just pretended to be a paraplegic! No.
No, no, no.
I pretended to need a wheelchair.
I'm a stand-up comedian.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me this is why you've given notice.
Listen, I know what I'm doing.
This act is going gangbusters.
Sperm donor would've been more classy.
What's with the lisp? It makes me vulnerable.
It makes you fucking ridiculous! Oh, sorry.
Ridiculouth.
Can't wait to see you order a chicken thnitzel and theasar thalad.
OK.
It's what we call in the biz 'a comic device'.
OK? All the big acts have got them.
Who's to say that Nick Gianopolous is actually Greek? Have you seen his birth certificate, I haven't.
O-ho! Oh, my God.
I get it now.
We should do a double act.
No.
It's My name would be Mandy Manky Eye.
She's called Mandy Manky Eye 'cause she has a manky eye.
Seriously, it's weeping like the Madonna.
Mandy Manky Eye is also incontinent.
She's blacked up.
Because she's been a road trauma victim she wears that scaffolding people have on their heads so their skulls don't fall apart.
That's too much.
She's also HIV positive with a stutter.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Do I have to put it on a potht-it-note? What's going on in here? Pip?! What are you doing? Tony got fired! Something to do with someone's handbag.
Didn't you see the note?! Yes, but I didn't think it was for me! Oh, my God.
18, 19, 20! Ha! What're you doing here? I thought you were meant to be rock climbing.
Yeah, I was.
Then I decided not to.
Is this your girlfriend? No! Sh-shut up! She's not my girlfriend, we're on the debate team.
Anyway lovers you owe me five bucks.
Shake time.
Dicky's on a stiff y! I-I'm not! I'm not.
Um, mind if I use the bathroom? It's just, ah just this door on the right.
I'm three kilos lighter! Maybe you should hold on until you get home? No.
Honestly, I'm fine.
Oh, excuse me? Can I please have another mojito? Yes.
You OK, sir? I'm fine.
Oh, actually, where's the gents, mate? I need to drain the old main vein.
Just down the hall, on the left.
OK.
I don't want to be the No-Fun Fairy, but Is that a new comedy character you're working on? Does No-Fun Fairy have tuberculosis? No.
And No, no, just wearing my boss hat, you don't wanna be hung-over for work tomorrow.
Oh.
You're being my boss now.
Well, actually I'm looking forward to being hung-over because at least when I'm back in my apartment underneath my doona, feeling like a polio victim in a car accident, at least this date will be over.
Oh, I'm sorry.
OK? I'm sorry this has been such a terrible experience for you.
Now I need to go and shake the snake.
You know what, I will never forget the time you came into work and you'd just had your wisdom teeth out, you did a Marlon Brando impression.
That wasn't an impression it was a legitimate swelling.
You thought your dentist had molested you under anaesthetic.
You haven't met my dentist.
He has tiny, creepy hands and a ponytail.
He looks exactly like Steven Seagal.
Oh, now that's not something you joke about.
Yes it is, you knob! That's what's funny, life is funny! Yeah.
I literally have to go and have a piss, because I'm about to You can't.
Why? Biggest fan, two o'clock.
Oh, shit.
What do we do now, Wheels McGee? Someone stole his wheelchair.
Scavengers.
Scumbags.
How long has she been in there? Would you like me to check on her? No, Mum, that would be weird.
Oh, Serena won, straight sets.
Pat, how could you? Pretty average work, Papa Bear.
What, a man can't sit on his own throne? There's a time and a place, Dad.
I just wanted everything to be perfect.
Is that too much to ask? She's coming.
Is she breathing? Do you have any idea what tonight meant to me? It's just been one humiliation after another! Oh, what, 'cause I did a poo, is that it? Not just because you did a poo, Dad! It's the rapping, and the screaming and the push ups! Your girlfriend still owes me five bucks! She's not my girlfriend! Um Look, I-I guess I should've mentioned, I'm chandelier intolerant? That's very good.
Come in here, love.
I just realised we've spent the whole night talking about me and wheels, so, after the gig, I wanna know where you grew up, what your first concert was, what your Mum and Dad are like.
Oh, my Mum and Dad died in a house fire when I was 13.
Jesus.
It's OK, I've dealt with it.
Just don't invite me over for a barbie.
Jesus, pretty full on thing to make jokes about.
I guess I've earned the right.
You're amazing.
You know I am going to try something new tonight? And it's all thanks to you.
Now just keep your applause going for the man who's on the way, Wheels McKay, ladies and gentlemen! Yeah, baby! Oh, it's actually McGee.
Alright, um, well now you guys know the bastard who got the sweet spot in the car park of this disabled car park.
Alright, so, um the worst thing about being in a wheelchair.
Being in a fucking wheelchair? Enjoying your first drink there, toots? Show us your balls! So, has anyone else been molested by their dentist when they were having their wisdom teeth taken out? I, um I'm quite serious, my dentist has these very strange little hobbit hands He And a very strange ponytail that seems to be transplanted from 1987.
He looks exactly like Steven Seagal, but Nigerian.
Whoo-hoo! Great job, mate.
Golden, killed it.
Made me wish my dentist molested me.
Golden, great job.
Yeah.
Thanks, thanks, Wil, means a lot, man.
That was awesome, they loved it! Yeah.
You still had the lisp, but Yeah.
That's alright.
I just, I just don't think we can see each other any more.
You what? You heckled me.
Yeah, I saved you.
Wheels McGee is going to be an empire.
And I was going to take you along for the ride too.
It was gonna be a wild ride.
And I've already had a lot of offers from commercial television, and you just should've seen this coming.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
Premature greying is hereditary.
Yeah, I have no control over it.
My grandpa, and my dad and my brother and even my little sister, Simone.
Oh, I was fucking with you! Why would you do something like that? I-I thought we I thought we had a thing.
Not everything is a laughing matter, Verity.
Sorry.
Uh Dunno what I was thinking.
Well, good luck with your comedy career, Wheels.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for tonight.
Your family are awesome.
Guess that's me.
See you at the debate? Yeah.
Maybe afterwards you can invite me back? We can hang out here and have protein shakes, and Yeah.
Um hey, am I rebutting this week? I-I don't know.
I don't think so.
I might be wrong, but Oh, um, no.
You're right, guess I was just, um buying time.
For what? I like your smile.
- Dicky's on a stiff y! - Whoo! Game, set, match, Richie! Fore.
That's right, King Putt Mini Golf is back up and running, and guess what, kiddies.
We're available for childrens parties, just watch out for the giant panda.
Grown-ups, why not have your corporate function here? King Putt Mini Golf, back open with all new wheelchair access.
Wowee! Now that's what I call a birdie! Just checking in on Facebook, I couldn't find your page though.
I like my friends to be people I've actually met.
It's like that black lady in America, who had all the trouble on the bus.
They wouldn't give her a seat and she didn't have a massage table! You're not out.
I'm out to the people I want to be.
You're living a lie! Holy Moley, who are you? I'm Jess, your brother rescued me at the bus stop.
You're anti-gay-marriage! I'm not anti, I'm bewildered.
Bewildered? Stop repeating everything I say, it makes you appear slow.