Jean Claude Van Johnson (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

A Little Conversation About Trust

1 (COIN DROPS) (JUKEBOX WHIRRING) You should come with me to the end of the world (GRUNTS) MAN: Long week? Mm.
Tell me about it.
I work at the lamprey hatchery, over on Slavyanska? Last night, I bring snack, but I trip and drop into tank of broodstock.
So, I go all night on empty stomach.
Like a Turk! Then, as I leave, my shoelace break.
Don't want to come Can you believe? You should come with me to the end So what happened to you? We could lie all day on the quiet sands.
I was visited by a time-traveling version of myself from the future.
He told me he liked Looper better than Timecop, even though Timecop is my favorite movie.
(COUGHS) And then, he sprained my neck, blew up the building and killed all my friends.
I'm sorry about your shoelace.
(DISTANT SIREN WAILING) (GRUNTS) (DOOR CLOSES) SERGEI: You must be Filip.
(SCREAMS, WHIMPERS) (PENCIL SCRIBBLING) (CLOCK TICKING) And his nose.
Like yours? (FILIP STAMMERS) M much, much larger and flatter.
Erase the beard.
And, uh, erase the moustache.
So.
It was Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Jean-Claude Van Damme? You know of him? (SIGHS) Why would the greatest actor of all time kill all my friends? That's not the question you should be asking.
The question you should be asking is: do you want to do something about it? What do you want me to do? (UNSTRAPS NECK BRACE) - (BONES CRACKING) - (SHOUTS) (GROANING) So I'm meeting a climatologist from the university tonight.
The important thing now is to figure out how someone could amplify the core functions of the chip to control weather on a large scale.
No, no, no.
The important thing now is that I was totally right about the microchip.
- (LAUGHS) - Right? Okay.
I mean, I'm pretty sure you just picked it up off the floor.
I mean, I'm the one who reverse-engineered a baseline amplifier to see how it actually works.
I did not just pick it up off the floor.
- Huh.
- I put it in my pocket, and carried it back to the hotel.
Oh, right.
Maybe I'm not as, uh, washed up as you thought, huh? - (GRUNTS) - (LAUGHS) Maybe.
Or maybe you just got lucky.
Maybe.
Come on.
They need you on the set.
(MONKS CHANTING) JEAN-CLAUDE: The soldiers are gone, Jim.
The disguise worked.
Ah, very smart, Huck.
Who the fuck are you? - Where's Victor? - GUNNAR: Cut! - Who is this? - Cut! - (BELL RINGS) - Is that the one? No, why the fuck would that be the one? Jesus.
No.
Okay, uh, hi.
This is what I was talking about with Dragan last night.
You know, I brought up your concerns.
Uh - Uh, pardon me.
- Get the fuck out of here.
Uh you know, it's he agreed with both of us that it is just straight fucked and totally not woke at all to being calling a character "N-word Jim," right? - Okay.
- And then we realized that wow, I mean, like, having a black guy play that character? (QUIETLY): It's just so fucked.
I mean, no matter what we name him.
(SCOFFS) So we fired him.
You fired Victor? Yeah, um, Dragan's got some, some business partners in Asia that's he's trying impress, so we decided to Vin Diesel this shit, and toss some pork fried rice up in this joint, shumai that! Triple our fuckin' global box office.
Boom! We get Johnnie motherfucking Lao.
Can you get the fuck out of my face? Thanks.
This dude is a fucking legend in Thailand.
I'm Chinese.
Cool.
Let's do this! (FILIP WHIMPERS) - (GUNS COCKING) - The chip should be in Van Damme's trailer.
If anything goes wrong, call us.
Huh.
You two, let's find wardrobe and blend in.
MAN: Okay, boss.
Thanks for the touch-up.
You're really good.
(DOG YAPPING) Even if this isn't what you want to do.
It's not that bad.
Maybe you need to be doing hair for someone else.
Someone who actually supports your dreams.
Oh.
- No, it's not - No? Since you started with him, how much closer are you to what you really want? Oh, honey.
(SCOFFS) Do you think I'm with Dragan because of his looks? I dream big.
Just like you.
(BARKS, GROWLS) Oh.
Oh, baby, no! No.
- That's JC.
- (GROWLING CONTINUES) He's your friend, Booboo.
He's a good boy.
(BARKING CONTINUES) Baby, stop! Stop! Ever wonder what God thinks about all this? Oh, I don't know, Huck, I'm - (SIGHS) I'm Buddhist.
- (DOG BARKING) (BARKING, GROWLING) Hey, you.
- GUNNAR: Cut! - Come here.
Fucking fucking fuck! What the fuck, people?! One single fucking take! One take! Hi, Krissy.
- KRISSY (GIGGLES): Oh.
- GUNNAR: Is that your dog? - He is so cute.
What a fucking awesome dog that is.
- Oh.
Yes, she is! Oh, did you get spooked, Booboo? Oh, baby, you never get spooked.
- (GUNNAR CHUCKLES) - (GIGGLES) JC, we're so sorry, we didn't realize you were shooting.
I thought I just saw you walking back to your trailer.
(SIGHS) Let's take a break.
I need to take a shower.
I've got some ink on my finger.
- MAN: Taking a break.
- Sorry.
All right, everybody, stay in the area.
- It's just a short break.
- (DOG BARKING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (FILIP GRUNTING) Hey! (YELLS) - (GRUNTS) - (GUN COCKS) - You? - You? Just give me the chip, please.
You think I would be stupid enough to hide the chip in my trailer? Huh? We can do this the easy way (EXHALES) or the hard way.
(GROANS, YELPS) You killed all my friends, and you thought that Looper was a better movie than Timecop.
And and now you want to kill me.
(MUMBLES) They told me not to trust your hero.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, hey, man Hey! Don't touch me.
It's fine.
I'm not actually a Timecop.
SERGEI (OVER RADIO): Filip, have you seen Van Damme? Wait.
Wait.
(STATIC CRACKLES) Let's talk about this.
He's in the trailer.
(YELLS) Uh, hello? (DOOR OPENS) - (YELLS) - (GRUNTS) We're compromised.
There's probably more of them.
Get this somewhere safe.
Go.
- RC Cola? - Only RC.
- RC Cola? - That's right.
GUNNAR: This is all you fucking have is RC Cola? - Huh? - The fuck is this sh - Hey, JC! - Yes.
JC, what are what are you doing here, buddy? Uh, you don't need to be here; we're setting up for tomorrow.
(SPEAKS BULGARIAN) (ALL GRUNTING) What scene is this? What are we doing right now? - I'm not aware - What do you mean, - you don't fucking know? - I don't (GRUNTING) Fuck.
That looks great.
(BONES CRACK) Fuck, are we rolling? Are we rolling? Can we fucking roll? GUNNAR: Roll! - Bitch, Jesus, come on! - Needs to slate.
Stunt team! In there! Confederates, kick his motherfucking ass.
Come on, man.
What the fuck are you doing? Get the fuck in there! Keep going! (GROANS) God, I am so fucking hard right now.
(GRUNTS) (MAN SHOUTING) - (GROWLS) - Fight back.
"D" camera, get up on that second deck and join that party.
(YELLS) Easy on the shake.
I'm not Greengrass.
Huh? - (ALL GASP) - Oh! Holy shit, yes! GUNNAR: I did not know we were set up for that.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Fuck.
Okay, I got to go find a distraction for when this is over.
Blend in and help if he needs backup.
I don't get involved.
You know that.
You're already involved, kid.
(GUNSHOTS) (BOTH STRAINING) This gun is not in the script.
And they don't have automatic pistols in the 1830s.
Shut up.
Nobody cares.
(STRAINING CONTINUES) (GRUNTING) (GUN COCKS) (LIQUID DRIPPING) (GUNSHOTS) (LIQUID SQUISHING) And cut! (LAUGHS) - Fuck yes! - (APPLAUSE) Fuck yes, people.
Fuck yes.
JC I love you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Fuck yes! - Up top.
- (CRIES OUT) GUNNAR: You're welcome.
You guys are welcome.
MAN: Okay, that's lunch! GUNNAR: Thank God.
'Cause I'm fucking starving.
These men are dead.
(SNIFFS) Vanessa, I want to tell you something.
It's about Victor.
I, uh I got him fired.
It's my fault.
What? I mean, I didn't mean to.
(SIGHS) I told Gunnar it's about his name.
It's offensive, you know.
His name was offensive.
And, uh, now his name is Johnnie Lao.
It's confusing.
You told Gunnar that calling him "N-word Jim" was offensive? Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Look at us.
Like a well-oiled machine.
Like in the old days.
Yeah.
JC, why did you stand me up in Bali? I lied to you about the emu farm.
(CHUCKLES) It's not in Bali, is it? When you told me you wanted to see it, I panicked.
And I was not ready to show you where it really is.
So you said it was in Bali? JC, that's a terrible lie.
Everyone wants to go to Bali.
Yeah, it backfired pretty bad, huh? (CHUCKLES) So where is it really? (ENGINE TRYING TO START) Did you hear that? (ENGINE FAILING TO START) (ENGINE FAILING TO START) JEAN-CLAUDE: Filip! (CRYING OUT): Don't shoot me.
Don't shoot me, please.
My boss is expecting me, and if I don't show up, he will send more guys to look to look for me.
Then I guess (IMITATING FILIP): I'd better show up.
(NORMAL VOICE): Yeah.
WOMAN: Jane, I told you, he's on a SpaceX flight.
You tell Channing it's his ass if he doesn't get back to me.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - Uh-huh.
I'll call you back.
Hello, friend.
We need to talk.
(SIGHS) (DIGITAL TRILLING) AUTOMATED VOICE: Director authorization recognized.
Security protocols engaged.
Room secured.
Okay.
This is about Johnson.
He killed three people.
On camera.
You could see it in the fucking dailies.
It's been handled.
It never should have happened in the first place.
We all knew that he was a wild card.
You're the one who sold us on this plan.
And the plan is working.
I need more than promises.
I think we both understand what the stakes are here.
You're going to Bulgaria.
Fine.
But when I get back, you and I are gonna have a little conversation about trust.
JEAN-CLAUDE (AS FILIP): Hello.
Hello.
It's just me, Filip.
Beep, beep.
Hey, boss.
(ENGINE TURNS OFF) (GRUNTS) Hey.
Oh.
(AS FILIP): Boss? You want to see me? See me? MAN: I've always been obsessed with the weather.
My father gave me a snow globe when I was a child.
I used to love to peer into its depths, and imagine what it was like to summon up a storm with the snap of a finger.
And now I know.
Or at least I will know when you give me back my microchip, Mr.
Van Damme.
There must be some, uh, confusion.
My name is Filip.
I don't know what kind of twisted game you're playing, Van Damme.
I bring you here to make a movie.
Instead, you blow up my factory and kill my men.
You know what they told me? "Hollywood stars can be monsters.
Don't employ them.
" Maybe I should have listened.
This Van Damme, I don't know who he is.
Hmm.
He seems to me like a very handsome, intelligent man.
But I don't know who he is.
My men sent Filip to impersonate you, so, of course, he knows who you are.
Plus, you look nothing like the real Filip.
- That's not - You have something I want.
But I have something you want.
Tomorrow night, we trade.
(ENVELOPE OPENS) Oh.
(CHUCKLES) A gala to celebrate the impending success of our movie.
Black tie, of course.
Here at my humble abode.
JEAN-CLAUDE: Hmm mmm.
It says that this Van Damme will be here.
Maybe we can arrange a kidnapping.
Just bring the chip! Or you'll never see your little friend again.
Alexei, - play Luis' kidnapping video.
- (CHIMES) ALEXEI: Pardon? Alexei, play Luis' kidnapping video.
ALEXEI: Pardon? Alexei, play Luis' kidnapping video! ALEXEI: Okay.
- (DIGITAL TRILLING) - Well - (STATIC CRACKLES) - (LUIS GRUNTS, COUGHS) (MAN SHOUTING IN BULGARIAN ON VIDEO) (SPITS, GROANS) DRAGAN: You really should keep better tabs on your people, Mr.
Van Damme.
(LUIS GROANS) (NORMAL VOICE): You son of a bitch.
(GROWLS) (LUIS COUGHS) Just be there.
(SOFTLY): Yeah.
Oh, Jean-Claude, one more thing.
You're crushing it in the movie.
The dailies they're amazing.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
You should come with me To the end of the world Without telling your parents And your friends You know that you only need Say a word So end my play with the End of the world But I know That I'll go Away by myself I feel you don't want to come (ECHOING): He a!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode