Just Good Friends (1983) s01e03 Episode Script

1 What would you say If I told you things had never changed and We'll find a way To take our dreams and rearrange them? Who would believe That we could be in love again? So let's just pretend That you and me can be Just good friends (Vincent) 'You're never alone with a plastic fag.
'It's ironic.
I started smoking because I thought it made me look more mature.
'Now here I am 16 years on and a morning cough behind me 'with this adult teething ring stuck in my mouth! 'I seem to spend more on these plastic things than I did on real ones.
'Still, think what you save on matches.
Yeah, that's true.
'I suppose even smoking had its advantages.
'Look at that lovely nurse you met down the chest clinic.
'You've been a lung man ever since.
'Stolen kisses over the ECG machine, brief encounters behind the phlegm samples.
'You old romantic, you!' Hello, Pen.
- How are you? - Oh, I'm all right.
I suppose.
Good.
Nice day, innit? Hmm, I suppose it is.
Not as nice as yesterday, though.
No.
I wonder what tomorrow will be like? Vince Why are we here? Who knows? We've obviously been put on this Earth for a good reason.
Maybe as part of some vast, eternal plan.
No, what I mean is why are we here on the top of Toot Hill? - We arranged to meet, remember? - Yes, I remember.
What I'm trying to say is I'll put this in very simple, child-like English.
What is the point of us continuing to see each other? - We're friends, right? - So I'm led to believe.
And friends, particularly good friends, have a tendency to meet.
- Why? - To have fun.
- What, like we're having now? - Yes.
Oh, good.
Just as long as I know.
I suppose there's more to life than just having fun though, Vince.
I suppose so.
I saw a robin while I was waiting for you.
Gosh! Really? - I don't think it had long to live.
- You've studied veterinary science? - No.
- How could you tell then? It was in a cat's mouth.
That's sick, Vince! Don't tell me! Tell the bloody cat! Golly, this is fun(!) Penny Why did you bother turning up? When I make an appointment to meet someone, I always keep that appointment.
Unlike certain other people.
When did I ever let you down? When did you let me down? Well, there was that day in June 1978 when you were supposed to meet me in St Michael's Church, Ongar.
- So I stood you up once.
- It was our wedding day! Well, I never promised you a rose garden.
Ohh! You take things too much to heart, Pen.
That's your trouble.
Look, I'm sorry.
It's just that meeting you again like this after all these years has confused me.
After my marriage to Graham broke up, I thought I could handle any situation.
Then you came along.
Oh, God! Sometimes I wish I'd never met you.
You see, Vince, one side of me hates and mistrusts you while the other side simply finds you intensely irritating.
But there is one tiny part of me that that still loves you.
As I say, it's only a tiny part.
No more than a microscopic germ, the legacy of some childhood illness most probably.
But it does still love you.
So what do I do, Vince? Did you say something? No.
Well, nothing important anyway.
- Where have you been? - I was sitting over there thinking.
Are you feeling better now? Look, Pen, let's forget the past.
Make a fresh start.
We could become good friends.
We weren't good friends when we were engaged.
But we were in love then, weren't we? Yes, we were in love.
The trouble was, we were both in love with you.
No, that's not fair, Pen.
I loved you.
- Did you? - Of course I did.
You know that, don't you? - I suppose so.
- But now we're not in love, are we? - No.
- So we've no problems.
If you say so, Vince.
I've just had my flat decorated.
You'd love it.
Modern furniture, big picture window.
D'you know, you can see the Home Counties from the window? What a view! Fancy coming round my flat Friday night? - No.
- Fine.
Where do you live anyway? - I'll write it down for you.
- OK.
(Buzzes) Hi.
Vince isn't here at the moment, but if you leave your message after the tone, he'll get right back to you.
Beep.
Don't twot about, Vince.
'It's taken me ages to find this place.
' You always had a way with words, you silver-tongued little minx! 'Are you going to let me in 'or do we have to spend the rest of the evening talking over this Irish CB?' - OK, Pen, push the door.
- 'Thank you very much.
' (Whistles and hums to himself) (Doorbell rings) Hi.
Hello.
- Would you like to come in? - Thank you.
- Can I take your coat, Pen? - Oh, thank you.
It's nice, isn't it? Yeah, it's all right.
What do you think of the flat? - It's nice.
- Very "me", don't you think? Not very bright and difficult to find.
Good one, Pen.
Drink? Hmm.
Small sherry, please.
I must say I'm rather surprised.
I knew you'd have a nice flat in a Green Shield Stamps sort of a way, but this is very expensive.
- Well, it's home, Pen.
- What are the neighbours like? So-so.
There's a young West Indian couple next door - Floyd and Loretta.
We got on well with each other until a few months back.
Then for a few weekends on the trot, there were wild all-night parties.
They got a petition up to stop me holding any more of them, so now we don't speak.
It's rather large for a small one, isn't it? Honestly, Pen, you'll have me blushing.
I'll check dinner.
I thought you said you could see the Home Counties.
You can.
Oh, you meant the dairy.
- What did you think I meant? - Nothing.
- To - Don't say "us", please.
All right, to you and me.
- How's the meal? - Well, it's I was trying to remember the last time I had a meal like this.
It was when I was in hospital.
It's not that good.
I can't understand.
I followed the instructions.
I opened the sachet the right end, everything.
- Still, it was a brave try.
- Yes, it took courage.
That's not fair.
It's probably quite nice, but I'm virtually a vegetarian.
- Virtually? - Well, I am.
But I have this fatal love of bacon sandwiches.
That's an odd thing for a vegetarian to eat, isn't it? I just can't resist them.
It used to drive Graham mad.
Graham? Oh, your old man.
Hmm.
He was a fully-fledged, card-carrying vegetarian.
Anti-blood sports, anti-vivisection, Animal Lib.
Where did you meet? The local steakhouse? My mother introduced us.
She's a right little Cupid.
"We have ways of making you fall in love.
" Where was the wedding reception? Panzer Drill Hall? That's in very bad taste.
Graham was Jewish.
A Jewish vegetarian? No wonder he had the hump over you and the bacon sandwiches.
He wasn't Jewish.
I said that to make you feel bad.
- It didn't work.
- Does anything make you feel bad? This is doing its best.
He used to claim that certain vivisection clinics sold the carcasses, the victims of their failed experiments, to unscrupulous meat firms for human consumption.
Really? He said you could examine a piece of meat and find scar tissue where clinically inflicted boils and tumours had been removed.
Wow! He could give you the entire medical history of a spare rib.
Pen, do you mind if we stop talking about Graham? - Are you jealous? - No, just nauseated.
Mind you, he could be right, though.
Look, this prawn's been circumcised.
- I bet you're glad you're out of it.
- Out of what? - Your marriage.
- Graham was a good husband.
We had a lovely house, a double garage.
Your house had a name instead of a number? Yes, it was called Cover Point.
- Cover Point? - He liked cricket.
Oh, I see.
It was lucky he wasn't a wrestling fan.
Otherwise, it could have been called Crotch Hold.
Oh, you're so glib.
It mightn't have been the lifestyle you'd choose, but I liked it.
Living with a sap whose hobby was carrying out post-mortems on sausages? He wasn't a sap.
He was everything you're not.
- Did you love him? - What? Did you love him? Yes.
And he loved me.
We loved each other.
Very much.
- When's your divorce finalised? - Next month, thank God - That was below the belt.
- Sorry, Pen.
Can I ask what caused the marriage to break up? I'd rather not talk about it.
You understand? Of course.
When it comes to court, I'll read about it in the local paper.
You are a rat! Has anyone ever told you you've got a lovely smile? Yes.
Oh.
- More wine? - No, thank you.
I'm driving.
- Driving where? - Home.
Oh.
I don't know what's going through your mind Well, I do know, but just forget it.
I'm going home this evening.
Understand? - Of course.
- Good.
- What's the alternative? - Well, sleeping here.
You're more than welcome if you don't mind sharing.
Vincent, I'm going home tonight! - You're the one who suggested it! - Suggested what? - Us spending the night together.
- I did not! Just now, you almost had me putting the electric blanket on.
- I'm going home tonight.
- All right.
Good.
- If you change your mind - I won't! Of course, but if you do, you can phone your mother from here.
She'll have the coven out searching for you! The next time you see this fork, it could be on one of your X-rays.
Point taken.
Shall we sit down? What about all this washing-up? Oh, we'll do it in the morning.
Hello! Anyone in? You will do the washing-up in the morning! All right, I'll do it in the morning.
You can have a lay-in.
I'll have you know I'm a married woman.
- But not really.
- I've still got my marriage licence.
I bet it's got a few endorsements on it by now! (sizzling) - Pen - Hmm? I've got the strangest feeling.
Were those prawns thawed properly? Pen, phone your mother.
- I can't, Vince.
- Why not? - If it was anyone else but you.
- What? I didn't mean it to sound like that.
I just feel we hardly know each other.
We went out together for two years.
We were engaged.
- People change.
- I haven't changed.
That's hardly something to brag about, is it, Vincent? I just don't feel I could trust you any more.
If you'd been jilted in front of your entire family, perhaps you'd understand.
You'll never let me forget that.
What makes you think I'll be around to remind you? Look, Pen, I have changed in lots of ways.
I'm more mature.
I don't even mind that there's been other men.
Sorry? You know, Pen, I Well, I was the first, wasn't I? Is that what I told you? Look, Vincent, let's get one thing absolutely straight.
The last five years of my life are no concern of yours.
You made it clear you wanted no part of my future, so just stay out of my past.
I could have had affairs with the entire Tottenham Hotspur team.
That could explain their recent form.
Just shut up! You couldn't get me Ossie Ardiles's autograph, could you? You're so quick.
Almost as quick as you were five years ago.
You were so fast, you didn't even stop to find out if I was pregnant.
Pregnant? Pen, you were you were pregnant? Well, no, but you didn't stop to find out.
You had more false alarms than the London Fire Brigade! - Thank you! - You had an obsession about babies.
That was half the reason I - It doesn't matter.
- No, carry on.
Look, I did want to marry you.
You should've popped along to the church on our wedding day! I wanted to marry the real you, not the person you'd become.
I don't understand.
As the wedding got nearer, so your entire personality changed.
You seemed to be on a coaching course for motherhood.
All you talked about were nurseries, cribs and things that go "burp" in the night! - We talked about starting a family.
- You and your mother did.
I wanted to get a new bike.
All I was interested in was the honeymoon in Greece.
I was talking about tavernas, beaches and sunshine.
You were talking about ovaries, eggs and epidural injections! It threw me.
I thought they were things we needed for our visas.
You didn't think I was talking about Greece.
It's true.
I remember once you used the word "placenta".
I tried to look it up on the map.
And I suppose you thought the Fallopian tube was the Athens Underground? You mean it isn't? You are a rat fink! Yeah, but I'm ever so cuddly, Pen.
So was Idi Amin.
That's enough of that, Pen.
We agreed not to discuss the men in your past.
It was so easy for you.
You walked away and pretended it never happened.
I had to live through it all.
I suffered as well, Pen.
I had bad nerves.
It must have been terrible for you.
I bet at times you could barely keep your snooker cue steady(!) You make me out to be an insensitive clod.
You ARE an insensitive clod! Well, thank you very much(!) Having a little sulky, are we? No, I'm just sitting here, thinking cruel thoughts.
I used to dream about you.
I used to dream about your body.
- Did you? - Hmm.
I used to dream the police came round and asked me to identify it.
I wrote a poem to you.
You wrote a poem? What's the punchline? There's no punchline.
It was deadly serious.
I wrote it a week or so after we broke up.
I called it "Penny "For Your Thoughts".
- All right, it was a stupid title.
- No, it's a lovely title.
- Why laugh? You don't laugh at Keats.
- I do.
He has me in hysterics.
It's a smashing title.
It just sounded funny coming from you.
Everyone thinks I've got no feelings, that I'm a selfish, soulless poser, but they're wrong.
I feel pain as deeply as anyone.
Maybe more since I've caused so much of it.
Sadness and joy.
Remorse and love.
I do, Pen.
Honest I do.
I know you do.
Have you still got the poem? What poem? The one you wrote to me.
Oh, no.
No, it's disappeared from my life.
Like all the other good things.
Can you remember any of it? Well, just bits and pieces.
One part was a plea for you not to rush your life, to stop and consider things.
I didn't want you to get hurt ever again.
It went something like "In between what might have been "And what has come to pass "A misbegotten guess, alas, and bits of broken glass "So take your time and think a lot "But think of everything you've got "For you will still be here tomorrow "Your dreams may not.
" Vince Do you mind if I phone my mother? - Did you call her? - Yes.
Did you leave some money by the side of the phone? What's that? It's a pyjama jacket I found at the bottom of your wardrobe.
Oh.
For a moment, I thought you were wearing a vest.
I am under the pyjama jacket! Oh, you little fibber, you! Has anyone ever told you you've got beautiful skin? Yes.
Vince, I'm scared.
Don't be scared, Pen.
I'm here.
I'm not scared of bogeymen and ghosts, you idiot! Or maybe they are ghosts.
Forget the past, Pen.
The past is dead and gone.
Think about the future.
I am thinking about the future, like the next half hour.
That's why I'm so tense.
Well, look, just try and relax, eh? Pen I've got no one to talk to down here! I'm still tense.
What do you want me to do? Run you a Radox bath? - There's no need to get snappy with me.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Hmm Don't do that, Vincent.
I don't like it.
- This used to turn you on.
- It doesn't any more.
- Well, what does? - Nothing.
- Nothing turns you on? - No, nothing at all.
That's bad news for me and the lads at White Hart Lane.
Will you shut up about Tottenham rotten Hotspur? Could we have some music? Music? You're puttin' me on, Pen.
No, background music.
It can be very soothing.
Well, I'll sing to you.
Ossie's going to Wembley His knees have gone all Come on, you Spurs Stop it! All right, I'll get you some music.
Why don't we turn it into a party? I'll see what Floyd and Loretta are doing.
- Forget about it, Vince! - No.
I'm not having you say I'm insensitive.
What kind of music would you like? We've got a massive selection.
"Larry Adler Live at the Woolwich Marmite Factory.
" "Ronnie Ronalde whistles The Dooleys.
" "Barry Manilow's Songs for Deaf Lovers.
" Oh, you're a jazz fan, what a shame! I swapped my collection of Acker Bilk for a book on embalming for beginners(!) She shall have music wherever she goes.
Let's have some of the good old food of love.
Just keep the Rennies handy! (Music starts playing) - Cat Stevens.
- Yes.
You used to like Cat Stevens.
I could never stand him.
You liked him.
- He's a Muslim now.
- Really? I went to see him at Hammersmith Odeon.
- Yes, I know.
I was with you.
- Of course you were.
And if you wanna wave (He turns sound down) Is there any point in me saying I'm sorry? He wasn't that bad.
No, I mean, for the way I behaved.
I don't know.
You could try.
I'm really sorry.
Get lost, creep! Arguing might spoil the atmosphere.
Atmosphere? With you goose-stepping in and out of the room? It has all the romance of a Nuremberg Rally! Your mother's told you about the good old days.
- Where did I put my coat? - Stay, Pen.
No, Vince, I'm going home.
I'll do you a bacon sandwich.
Look, let me talk to you for just a minute.
60 seconds out of an entire lifetime It's not a lot to ask, is it? (He turns music back up) Never rush away, Pen.
I did it once and look how I've lived to regret it.
No one shouted silly song titles at you.
"Larry Adler Live at the Woolwich Marmite Factory" and things like that! Remember what I told you.
Take your time and think a lot.
Think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow.
Your dreams may not.
Why do you have to be such a big, fat rat? I know and I'm sorry.
Has anyone ever told you you've got gorgeous eyes? Yes.
Has anyone ever told you you're a flash little cow? Yes.
But take your time, think a lot Why, think of everything you've got For you will still be here tomorrow "Though your dreams may not.
" But your dreams may not I didn't know.
This kind of thing happens.
It's called subconscious plagiarism.
Who's to say he didn't take the words from me? Have you ever met Cat Stevens? - He's a Muslim now, you know? - So you said.
And what about "in between what might have been and what has come to pass"? That was straight from the heart, Pen.
And a James Taylor LP.
I don't know who I feel sorry for the most - you or me.
Why not go all the way and give me a verse from Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport? You're a phoney.
You're about as real as that plastic cigarette.
I was trying to impress you.
Those words were said with sincerity.
Sincerity? Oh, God! - Now I'm late.
- How late? - About ten minutes.
- Don't start worrying about it yet.
It's never going to work between us.
Don't call me at home any more.
- Pen - Please! If that's what you really want.
That's what I really want.
Goodbye, Vincent.
(Intercom buzzes) Yeah? 'Vince, it's Penny.
Hello.
' Hello, Pen.
'You weren't planning on phoning me at work?' - No, I don't have your office number.
- 'Oh, I see.
'Have you got a pencil and paper handy?'