Kaguya-sama: Love Is War (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
Miyuki Shirogane Still Hasn't Done It/Kaguya Wants to Be Figured Out/Kaguya Wants to Walk
1 You fall in love with someone FATE confess that love DESTINY and become a couple.
Everyone would say that's a wonderful thing.
But they're wrong! Love is war! CONFESSION CONFESSION The person who falls in love loses! KAGUYA-SAMA: LOVE IS WAR STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM Oh.
TEENS LOVE BIBLE What's this? Oh, the headmaster confiscated it from a student.
MIYUKI SHIROGANE STILL HASN'T DONE I He said, "It's not proper reading material, so dispose of it.
" Jeez.
Why didn't he just do it himself? Not proper reading material? CRUDE Crude! I mean lewd! LEWD This country is becoming lewd! What's got her skirt in a bunch? Maybe nudity with pubic hair? Shirogane showed great interest.
- Kaguya, I wouldn't if I were you! - Let's see.
A survey.
"When was your 'first time?'" "By high school.
34%.
" No way! There's no way that many are doing it! 34%! In other words, more than a third! One out of three people means there's a high likelihood DID I that one of these three have already had such an experience! I-It's only that high because the respondents are the people who read this kind of magazine, right? Oh, you mean "sample selection bias.
" Yes, there can't actually be that many people.
Right? Really? This percentage seems about right to me.
In fact, it's probably low.
Um, I don't even think I need to ask, but have you had that kind of experience, Kaguya? Yes, the first was a long time ago.
TOWN PAGES Huh.
The area code for Aomori is 017.
That's surprising.
Isn't that normal for most high school students? You two must not have been raised in a loving environment.
M-Maybe I should hurry up and get a boyfriend.
The area code for Oshamanbe in Hokkaido is 01377 and 013 But I'm sure Father would never allow it.
Kaguya realizes there's a nervous component to their reactions.
When humans realize they've gotten a late start compared to those around them, they get nervous.
Then that anxiety makes them succumb to the emotional need of finding a romantic partner.
In short I'm too late to the party? IâM FALLING BEHIND? I HAVE TO GET A GIRLFRIEND! SHINOMIYA, GO OUT WITH ME! Shinomiya, go out with me! Confess your love! Kaguya's objective of the day was decided.
The whole thing is ridiculous! Oh, President, I heard you were very popular.
She instigates.
Don't you have a girlfriend? She instigates some more! No, I don't.
I don't have that kind of relationship with a particular person.
Not right now.
"Not right now"! An expression that hints at the existence of a girlfriend long ago, but even if he's never gone out with anyone, it isn't a lie! It's an expression loved by people the world over, from the young to the elderly! That's right! Miyuki Shirogane has never had a romantic experience! And yet it can't be said that he isn't popular.
In fact, he is quite popular.
Perhaps it should be said birds of a feather flock together.
Or perhaps we should consider that in many cases, oddballs are drawn to oddballs.
When the trend is only dangerous characters being attracted to you, WHAT IS THIS HAIR? you won't reach a romantic relationship.
WHAT IS THIS SMOKE? Why am I so popular? And so, despite having no experience, Shirogane was supremely confident in his own popularity.
The women must be attracted to my overflowing intelligence.
Should I feel guilty? Yes, this man possesses both boundless confidence and pure chastity, Not right now.
a combination that has made him Not right now.
a twisted monster virgin! Oh.
Then of course you've done it, right? But even that monster has a weakness.
MONSTER VIRGIN He is still a virgin.
It would be easy to lie.
But telling an experienced person that I have experience would be like a movie neophyte claiming knowledge about movies to a film buff, thinking they can trick the person! Supposing I did lie to her I have tons of experience! You're bragging about it? Are you that embarrassed about having your virginity exposed? How cute.
She'd see through me! I-If you're that curious, you can always ask me directly.
The best he can do is bluff.
Really? I know you have a little sister, President, so you probably do it with her all the time.
Oh, that Of course not! Are you a moron? Well, you're family.
I did it to my newborn nephew.
It was videotaped.
You're a loon! Good times.
It's not good to be excessively afraid of physical contact with other people.
I guess that's the dark side of modern society.
No, it's you! You're the dark side of the nobility! What's so strange? You must do it a lot to your dog Pesu, don't you, Chika? - You do? - No! Please don't drag me into this! The Shinomiya family upbringing is this perverse? She's so ignorant of the ways of the world that she thinks it's common sense? Shinomiya Let me ask you this.
Do you know what it means by "first time"? Please don't make light of me.
As a lady, I know that much.
It's referring to kissing.
Honestly.
Kaguya Shinomiya.
As the daughter of the owner of a conglomerate, she's been protected from sexual information for 16 years now.
The beginning and end of her sexual education was kissing.
ALL ABOUT SEX PISTIL STAMEN WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, LEAVE IT TO THE MAN.
THE END Anything more than that she picked up from urban legends.
So the stork has nothing to do with it, right? She's a "daughter in a box" taken to the extreme! Naturally, she has no idea what "your first time" refers to.
Shinomiya President, I'll take this one.
Kaguya In this case, "first time" means And then puts in After that the two moving like beasts! MINUTES LATER A-After all the law is you do that kind of thing after you get married! I thought my heart was gonna stop! RESULTS OF TODAY'S MATCH: SHINOMIYA LOSES Today's match FOR INCREDIBLE IGNORANCE ABOUT SEXUAL KNOWLEDGE Shinomiya loses.
President, I disapprove of illicit intercourse.
So would you go do it to yourself? KAGUYA WANTS TO BE FIGURED OU It's a quiet night, isn't it? Yes.
It's Fujiwara's turn to walk Pesu today, so she had to go home early.
Pesu! Pesu! And Ishigami was in and out of here before I even noticed.
He gets the perfect attendance award in his own way.
You've mellowed out since we first started here, Shinomiya.
You mean I've gained weight? No, "mellow," not "marshmallow.
" Your personality.
Like making small talk.
Yes.
I've been making an effort to become slightly more likeable.
That's what it is? Well, it also helps that I have a better understanding of you as a person.
You understand me? Really? We've been working together here at student council for half a year now.
I think I have a pretty good understanding of you.
Then I'll test you.
Test? Yes, let's test how much you really know about me.
Do you know the game "20 Questions"? 20 Questions! EXAMPLE It's a game in which one player gets 20 questions Is it smaller than my palm? to guess what the other player is thinking of.
Is it edible? But the player can only ask questions that can be answered with a yes or no.
I'm thinking of an eraser.
If the guesser gets it correctly within 20 questions, they win.
If they can't, the other person wins.
But if you get 20 questions, you can pretty much guess it.
If you really know me, though you should be able to guess it with half that, ten questions.
I see.
That's fine.
Are you ready? Yes.
20 CHAMBER BELGIAN REVOLVER "HENRION, DASSY, AND HEUSCHEN" (BUT ONLY 10 BULLETS LOADED) Then my first question One, is it something that can be touched? Yes.
It isn't a word or concept.
- Two, is it an electrical appliance? - No.
- Three, is it something that's warm or cold? - Yes.
Considering her answers, it could be a living thing, WARM-BLOODED ANIMAL FOOD food, a substance like warm water or ice, BOILING WATER ICE a bonfire or some kind of temperature control device? FIRE ETC.
, ETC But since this is a test of how well I understand Shinomiya, the answer must be something connected to Kaguya Shinomiya.
Therefore Four, is it something you own? No.
Five, is it something you touched today? No.
Six, is it something that's at your house? No.
Three noes in a row.
I thought it was something Shinomiya possessed, but now I don't know.
I'll explore Shinomiya's psychology a little more.
All right.
Seven, is it something you like? Yes.
What is that expression? She looks kind of embarrassed or bashful.
Don't tell me.
Eight Is it a living thing? Yes.
It's It's me, isn't it? Calm down! Let's confirm it! You can touch it.
It isn't an electrical appliance.
It isn't room temperature.
Shinomiya doesn't own it.
She hasn't touched it, and of course, it isn't in her house.
It all matches! And it's something that Shinomiya likes! Is this a roundabout confession of love? Nine, in what way do you like it? THUMP THUMP As a friend? As a human being? Or something else? No answer.
I can only answer with a yes or no.
Crap! I'm so flustered, I wasted a shot! I've got to calm down.
It's possible that the answer is someone else! Okay.
Ten, is it something that's very intelligent, handsome, with somewhat light-colored hair and well-defined eyes? It's me! It's me! It's definitely me! Jeez, Shinomiya What a twisted way to confess your love.
We've been through a lot together, huh? That's right.
Every time, I understood more about the person named Shinomiya.
And Huh? Well, you're out of questions.
Give me your answer.
That's right.
To a certain extent, I understand what kind of person Shinomiya is.
At a time like this, she always My answer is a dog.
Correct.
PESU (DOG) More precisely, Fujiwara's dog, Pesu.
Good boy! Good boy! You're so cute! INTELLIGEN HANDSOME HANDSOME LIGHT-COLORED HAIR So shall we go home? HANDSOME LIGHT-COLORED HAIR WELL-DEFINED EYES It's getting late, after all.
Right.
The results of today's test PASS BECAUSE WHEN ALL WAS SAID AND DONE, SHIROGANE UNDERSTOOD SHINOMIYA'S NATURE.
Pass.
I FEEL LIKE PESU REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE PANT PAN Kaguya Shinomiya is the daughter of the Shinomiya family, which was part of one of the old financial combines.
KAGUYA WANTS TO WALK Her life was decided when she was born or perhaps even before she was born.
For example, this 2,574 times.
That's the number of times Kaguya Shinomiya has gazed out the window on the way to school.
SHINOMIYA But one day A cat? Yes.
It's lodged itself in there deep near the engine.
I'll arrange for another car, so if you would wait for a short while In that case, I'll just walk there.
At least go with Hayasaka.
I don't mind.
If she waits for me to change clothes, she'll be late, and I think she'll be fine going on her own.
There.
You see? I'll be fine.
Miss Kaguya! See you later.
She was slightly out of breath as she ran under the refreshing sun.
All right.
I may never get the chance to walk to school again.
I have to take advantage of this precious opportunity.
So I believe the president rides his bike to school from Setagaya, BICYCLE LANE so he probably takes Meiji Street.
MEIJI STREE The president always gets to school on the late side, so if I wait on the bridge, I'm sure Well, if I don't hurry, I'll miss the president.
What's wrong? If you've got a problem, briefly tell me what it is.
The pedestrian crossing! The pedestrian crossing? All right, I'll cross with you.
Okay.
Would you let go of me now? There are a lot of pedestrian crossings on the way to school! Before today, how did you go to school? With a friend.
Yeti always held my hand when we crossed.
The Abominable Snowman? Her name is Ienaga, so her nickname is Yeti.
But now that we're in the upper grades, she said there's no more group walking to school.
So now, I'm on my own.
WAAAH WAAAH Her thinking is still totally lower grade.
I had a better head on my shoulders even when I was in the lower grades.
I don't want to be alone! I want to be with everyone else! Listen.
Just because going to school in a group is officially over, that doesn't mean you have to walk to school by yourself.
You should meet up somewhere with your friend or pick her up at her house and walk together.
Right? You're smart! Are you a genius? What can I say? Mikiti! Yeti! Well, you're fine now, right? Go on.
Right! Bye-bye, genius girl! Good morning! Surprised to see me? Good morning! You did surprise me! - Let's go to school together! - Yeah! Well, where am I? Eight twenty-five.
I'm going to be late.
If they find out I was late, I'll never be allowed to go to school on my own again.
I wanted to try doing it even just once.
Going to school with someone President? Shinomiya? What are you doing here? The bell's gonna ring! You, too.
President, are you going to beâ I'm not late yet! I've never been late yet! You're the problem, Shinomiya! If you walk, you'll definitely be late! If a member of the Shuchiin Student Council is late, it sets a bad example! Hop on the back! We've gotta fly! Being late is bad, but two people on a bike is okay? Be quiet! When it comes to student council, school rules take priority over traffic rules! Days later Kaguya has returned to her usual routine of going to school by car.
- Can I go to your house, Yeti? - Sure! Come over! But sometimes she remembers that one day and smiles.
Go back to the forest.
Everyone would say that's a wonderful thing.
But they're wrong! Love is war! CONFESSION CONFESSION The person who falls in love loses! KAGUYA-SAMA: LOVE IS WAR STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM Oh.
TEENS LOVE BIBLE What's this? Oh, the headmaster confiscated it from a student.
MIYUKI SHIROGANE STILL HASN'T DONE I He said, "It's not proper reading material, so dispose of it.
" Jeez.
Why didn't he just do it himself? Not proper reading material? CRUDE Crude! I mean lewd! LEWD This country is becoming lewd! What's got her skirt in a bunch? Maybe nudity with pubic hair? Shirogane showed great interest.
- Kaguya, I wouldn't if I were you! - Let's see.
A survey.
"When was your 'first time?'" "By high school.
34%.
" No way! There's no way that many are doing it! 34%! In other words, more than a third! One out of three people means there's a high likelihood DID I that one of these three have already had such an experience! I-It's only that high because the respondents are the people who read this kind of magazine, right? Oh, you mean "sample selection bias.
" Yes, there can't actually be that many people.
Right? Really? This percentage seems about right to me.
In fact, it's probably low.
Um, I don't even think I need to ask, but have you had that kind of experience, Kaguya? Yes, the first was a long time ago.
TOWN PAGES Huh.
The area code for Aomori is 017.
That's surprising.
Isn't that normal for most high school students? You two must not have been raised in a loving environment.
M-Maybe I should hurry up and get a boyfriend.
The area code for Oshamanbe in Hokkaido is 01377 and 013 But I'm sure Father would never allow it.
Kaguya realizes there's a nervous component to their reactions.
When humans realize they've gotten a late start compared to those around them, they get nervous.
Then that anxiety makes them succumb to the emotional need of finding a romantic partner.
In short I'm too late to the party? IâM FALLING BEHIND? I HAVE TO GET A GIRLFRIEND! SHINOMIYA, GO OUT WITH ME! Shinomiya, go out with me! Confess your love! Kaguya's objective of the day was decided.
The whole thing is ridiculous! Oh, President, I heard you were very popular.
She instigates.
Don't you have a girlfriend? She instigates some more! No, I don't.
I don't have that kind of relationship with a particular person.
Not right now.
"Not right now"! An expression that hints at the existence of a girlfriend long ago, but even if he's never gone out with anyone, it isn't a lie! It's an expression loved by people the world over, from the young to the elderly! That's right! Miyuki Shirogane has never had a romantic experience! And yet it can't be said that he isn't popular.
In fact, he is quite popular.
Perhaps it should be said birds of a feather flock together.
Or perhaps we should consider that in many cases, oddballs are drawn to oddballs.
When the trend is only dangerous characters being attracted to you, WHAT IS THIS HAIR? you won't reach a romantic relationship.
WHAT IS THIS SMOKE? Why am I so popular? And so, despite having no experience, Shirogane was supremely confident in his own popularity.
The women must be attracted to my overflowing intelligence.
Should I feel guilty? Yes, this man possesses both boundless confidence and pure chastity, Not right now.
a combination that has made him Not right now.
a twisted monster virgin! Oh.
Then of course you've done it, right? But even that monster has a weakness.
MONSTER VIRGIN He is still a virgin.
It would be easy to lie.
But telling an experienced person that I have experience would be like a movie neophyte claiming knowledge about movies to a film buff, thinking they can trick the person! Supposing I did lie to her I have tons of experience! You're bragging about it? Are you that embarrassed about having your virginity exposed? How cute.
She'd see through me! I-If you're that curious, you can always ask me directly.
The best he can do is bluff.
Really? I know you have a little sister, President, so you probably do it with her all the time.
Oh, that Of course not! Are you a moron? Well, you're family.
I did it to my newborn nephew.
It was videotaped.
You're a loon! Good times.
It's not good to be excessively afraid of physical contact with other people.
I guess that's the dark side of modern society.
No, it's you! You're the dark side of the nobility! What's so strange? You must do it a lot to your dog Pesu, don't you, Chika? - You do? - No! Please don't drag me into this! The Shinomiya family upbringing is this perverse? She's so ignorant of the ways of the world that she thinks it's common sense? Shinomiya Let me ask you this.
Do you know what it means by "first time"? Please don't make light of me.
As a lady, I know that much.
It's referring to kissing.
Honestly.
Kaguya Shinomiya.
As the daughter of the owner of a conglomerate, she's been protected from sexual information for 16 years now.
The beginning and end of her sexual education was kissing.
ALL ABOUT SEX PISTIL STAMEN WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, LEAVE IT TO THE MAN.
THE END Anything more than that she picked up from urban legends.
So the stork has nothing to do with it, right? She's a "daughter in a box" taken to the extreme! Naturally, she has no idea what "your first time" refers to.
Shinomiya President, I'll take this one.
Kaguya In this case, "first time" means And then puts in After that the two moving like beasts! MINUTES LATER A-After all the law is you do that kind of thing after you get married! I thought my heart was gonna stop! RESULTS OF TODAY'S MATCH: SHINOMIYA LOSES Today's match FOR INCREDIBLE IGNORANCE ABOUT SEXUAL KNOWLEDGE Shinomiya loses.
President, I disapprove of illicit intercourse.
So would you go do it to yourself? KAGUYA WANTS TO BE FIGURED OU It's a quiet night, isn't it? Yes.
It's Fujiwara's turn to walk Pesu today, so she had to go home early.
Pesu! Pesu! And Ishigami was in and out of here before I even noticed.
He gets the perfect attendance award in his own way.
You've mellowed out since we first started here, Shinomiya.
You mean I've gained weight? No, "mellow," not "marshmallow.
" Your personality.
Like making small talk.
Yes.
I've been making an effort to become slightly more likeable.
That's what it is? Well, it also helps that I have a better understanding of you as a person.
You understand me? Really? We've been working together here at student council for half a year now.
I think I have a pretty good understanding of you.
Then I'll test you.
Test? Yes, let's test how much you really know about me.
Do you know the game "20 Questions"? 20 Questions! EXAMPLE It's a game in which one player gets 20 questions Is it smaller than my palm? to guess what the other player is thinking of.
Is it edible? But the player can only ask questions that can be answered with a yes or no.
I'm thinking of an eraser.
If the guesser gets it correctly within 20 questions, they win.
If they can't, the other person wins.
But if you get 20 questions, you can pretty much guess it.
If you really know me, though you should be able to guess it with half that, ten questions.
I see.
That's fine.
Are you ready? Yes.
20 CHAMBER BELGIAN REVOLVER "HENRION, DASSY, AND HEUSCHEN" (BUT ONLY 10 BULLETS LOADED) Then my first question One, is it something that can be touched? Yes.
It isn't a word or concept.
- Two, is it an electrical appliance? - No.
- Three, is it something that's warm or cold? - Yes.
Considering her answers, it could be a living thing, WARM-BLOODED ANIMAL FOOD food, a substance like warm water or ice, BOILING WATER ICE a bonfire or some kind of temperature control device? FIRE ETC.
, ETC But since this is a test of how well I understand Shinomiya, the answer must be something connected to Kaguya Shinomiya.
Therefore Four, is it something you own? No.
Five, is it something you touched today? No.
Six, is it something that's at your house? No.
Three noes in a row.
I thought it was something Shinomiya possessed, but now I don't know.
I'll explore Shinomiya's psychology a little more.
All right.
Seven, is it something you like? Yes.
What is that expression? She looks kind of embarrassed or bashful.
Don't tell me.
Eight Is it a living thing? Yes.
It's It's me, isn't it? Calm down! Let's confirm it! You can touch it.
It isn't an electrical appliance.
It isn't room temperature.
Shinomiya doesn't own it.
She hasn't touched it, and of course, it isn't in her house.
It all matches! And it's something that Shinomiya likes! Is this a roundabout confession of love? Nine, in what way do you like it? THUMP THUMP As a friend? As a human being? Or something else? No answer.
I can only answer with a yes or no.
Crap! I'm so flustered, I wasted a shot! I've got to calm down.
It's possible that the answer is someone else! Okay.
Ten, is it something that's very intelligent, handsome, with somewhat light-colored hair and well-defined eyes? It's me! It's me! It's definitely me! Jeez, Shinomiya What a twisted way to confess your love.
We've been through a lot together, huh? That's right.
Every time, I understood more about the person named Shinomiya.
And Huh? Well, you're out of questions.
Give me your answer.
That's right.
To a certain extent, I understand what kind of person Shinomiya is.
At a time like this, she always My answer is a dog.
Correct.
PESU (DOG) More precisely, Fujiwara's dog, Pesu.
Good boy! Good boy! You're so cute! INTELLIGEN HANDSOME HANDSOME LIGHT-COLORED HAIR So shall we go home? HANDSOME LIGHT-COLORED HAIR WELL-DEFINED EYES It's getting late, after all.
Right.
The results of today's test PASS BECAUSE WHEN ALL WAS SAID AND DONE, SHIROGANE UNDERSTOOD SHINOMIYA'S NATURE.
Pass.
I FEEL LIKE PESU REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE PANT PAN Kaguya Shinomiya is the daughter of the Shinomiya family, which was part of one of the old financial combines.
KAGUYA WANTS TO WALK Her life was decided when she was born or perhaps even before she was born.
For example, this 2,574 times.
That's the number of times Kaguya Shinomiya has gazed out the window on the way to school.
SHINOMIYA But one day A cat? Yes.
It's lodged itself in there deep near the engine.
I'll arrange for another car, so if you would wait for a short while In that case, I'll just walk there.
At least go with Hayasaka.
I don't mind.
If she waits for me to change clothes, she'll be late, and I think she'll be fine going on her own.
There.
You see? I'll be fine.
Miss Kaguya! See you later.
She was slightly out of breath as she ran under the refreshing sun.
All right.
I may never get the chance to walk to school again.
I have to take advantage of this precious opportunity.
So I believe the president rides his bike to school from Setagaya, BICYCLE LANE so he probably takes Meiji Street.
MEIJI STREE The president always gets to school on the late side, so if I wait on the bridge, I'm sure Well, if I don't hurry, I'll miss the president.
What's wrong? If you've got a problem, briefly tell me what it is.
The pedestrian crossing! The pedestrian crossing? All right, I'll cross with you.
Okay.
Would you let go of me now? There are a lot of pedestrian crossings on the way to school! Before today, how did you go to school? With a friend.
Yeti always held my hand when we crossed.
The Abominable Snowman? Her name is Ienaga, so her nickname is Yeti.
But now that we're in the upper grades, she said there's no more group walking to school.
So now, I'm on my own.
WAAAH WAAAH Her thinking is still totally lower grade.
I had a better head on my shoulders even when I was in the lower grades.
I don't want to be alone! I want to be with everyone else! Listen.
Just because going to school in a group is officially over, that doesn't mean you have to walk to school by yourself.
You should meet up somewhere with your friend or pick her up at her house and walk together.
Right? You're smart! Are you a genius? What can I say? Mikiti! Yeti! Well, you're fine now, right? Go on.
Right! Bye-bye, genius girl! Good morning! Surprised to see me? Good morning! You did surprise me! - Let's go to school together! - Yeah! Well, where am I? Eight twenty-five.
I'm going to be late.
If they find out I was late, I'll never be allowed to go to school on my own again.
I wanted to try doing it even just once.
Going to school with someone President? Shinomiya? What are you doing here? The bell's gonna ring! You, too.
President, are you going to beâ I'm not late yet! I've never been late yet! You're the problem, Shinomiya! If you walk, you'll definitely be late! If a member of the Shuchiin Student Council is late, it sets a bad example! Hop on the back! We've gotta fly! Being late is bad, but two people on a bike is okay? Be quiet! When it comes to student council, school rules take priority over traffic rules! Days later Kaguya has returned to her usual routine of going to school by car.
- Can I go to your house, Yeti? - Sure! Come over! But sometimes she remembers that one day and smiles.
Go back to the forest.