Karl Pilkington: The Moaning Of Life (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
Kids
NARRATOR: For centuries, life's big questions have challenged same of the world's greatest minds.
The need for love, marriage and lifelong commitment.
The yearning to reproduce and the survival of the human race.
The search for a vocation, the desire to find happiness -and the inevitable end death.
-(BELL TOLLS) But Karl Pilkington has not given a second thought to any of these issues.
This cat's cross-eyed.
I've never seen that before.
NARRATOR: Now he's turned 40, he thinks it's time he did.
(BURPS) He's travelling around the world to see how other people deal with life's big questions.
KARL: We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age.
This is the Pissing-About Age.
NARRATOR: And to see if the issues are such a big deal, anyway.
KARL: just because two people love each other and drag other people into it.
Get on with it.
NARRATOR: In this episode, Karl wants to know why people have children.
KARL: Lazy little shits at home.
Call Childline of you ask them to put the kettle on.
NARRATOR: Whether he can have kids.
How much are you meant to release? It goes up to, like, 100 ml.
NARRATOR: And what it's like being a parent.
(BABY CRYING) Shh.
NARRATOR: This is The Meaning of Life.
KARL: It's like, who's the mental one here? Is it me or everyone else? You've got to be a certain type of person to be a good parent.
And I don't think I'm cut out for it.
You know, I'm happy with the way things are.
I think I'm scared to change.
And then bring something else along.
There might be people watching, going "Oh, that's really sad, "you're missing out there," but, you know Like, when people say that, "It's life-changing" Well, that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? Take one of me legs off, that'll change me life.
We're not short of people, so you don't have to worry.
It's not like, "Karl, you've got to save the human race, have a kid.
" There's loads of them out there, can't move for them.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) RICHARD: Karl, you ready to go to the festival? Come on in.
I didn't sleep much.
RICHARD: How come? 'Cause of this.
I bought a turtle.
[just bought it.
RICHARD: You can't go buying turtles.
I know, but it was there.
I didn't walk past a pet shop and go, "Oh, I quite fancy a turtle.
" It was outside a restaurant, ready to be eaten.
And I just felt a bit bad when I saw its eyes and it was just sort of scratching in the plastic box.
And it just bothered me.
RICHARD: You've got it in a bath, you can't keep it like that! KARL: Don't be coming in, having a go.
This has been going through me head all night.
I kept worrying about it, I kept hearing noises and what have you.
I was coming in here about half one, two o'clock, checking it hadn't strangled itself on the plug chain.
I was sat there, looking at it, thinking "Is it even breathing?" But that's what I'd be doing with a baby.
I'd be going in, poking it all night.
'Cause I'd be on edge.
In a way, it's evidence to me that I wouldn't be good with kids.
'Cause I couldn't, sort of, be at ease.
I'd be worried about it, it'd be bothering me.
"What's it doing now?" RICHARD: Have you got a name for it? Tony.
Tony the turtle.
just seemed to roll off the tongue.
I'm annoyed with meself.
You shouldn't interfere, should you, really? If I hadn't even walked down that street, I wouldn't have seen it, and it'd be gone by now.
It would have been fried, a bit of wasabi on its head, someone would have eaten it.
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm meant to do.
RICHARD: You're gonna have to sort it out later, Karl, 'cause we've got to go to the festival.
KARL: Put the "Don't disturb " sign an the door.
You're not meant to have pets in here.
KARL: The world's gone mental.
There's a bloke just on the entrance there with a knob on his head.
Just looked like a low-rent Doctor Who character.
KARL: They were queuing up, wanting a picture taken with him.
Knob on his head, holding a sort of red knob here.
People laughing and all that.
New, where I grew up, there was a bloke called Mad john.
Used to get on the 261 bus and sit at the back and get his cock out.
People weren't laughing, having pictures taken with him.
He was put away for being a nutter.
KARL: He'd be a star here.
I don't quite get it, I don't know what I'm meant to get from this.
I don't know if I'm a miserable bastard, but everyone else is loving it.
RICHARD: They're just celebrating the gift of life.
But you celebrate life by enjoying your life.
You don't have to walk around with a cock on your head.
And that bit isn't really that important in the big scheme of things, is it? It's the bollocks that do the hard work.
That's the important bit.
It's always the way, isn't it? The things that do the hard work in life never get the credit.
Everyone should be walking around with bollocks on their head, if we're gonna do it.
KARL: I'm meeting a woman called Hai.
Wants to show me what, you know, all this is about.
Hai? Hiya, Hai! - Hi! - I'm Karl, nice to see you.
KARL: So what do you want then, do you want a boy or a girl? KARL: Oh, so you want more than one? KARL: Yeah I don't want any kids.
I've just never fancied it.
I don't know, we're just not bothered.
We haven't tried for it, it's not like, "Right, tonight, we're gonna go at it "hammer and tongs and we want to create a baby.
" Does me head in, this.
Crowds.
It's funny, 'cause she wants a baby.
We're pushed that close together, she might get one.
If you want kids, be at home.
Be having it away.
It's not going to happen here, is it? They're carrying the knob, yeah? Yeah, it's Fucking hell.
KARL: Everyone's doing their own thing here.
Who's in charge? And how far are we going with it? RICHARD: I think it's to the shopping mall and back.
Why are we taking this to the shops? I've had enough of it.
Nearly electrified meself, they've got electric wires going over the streets, pushing it up and down.
What a way to go.
Electrified by a knob.
KARL: Do you work at the moment, then? like, do you have a job? So would you have to stop that, though, if you had a kid? Are you sure, though? You're gonna be up all night, changing nappies.
You can't spend money on art stuff, you have to spend it on the baby.
There will be no more holidays, you won't be able to go out the same.
You can't pick what sort of a kid you're going to have.
You might have a kid, and he might be a right little shit, do you know what I mean? He might be loads of trouble.
For me, that's a gamble that I don't want to take.
KARL: Yeah.
KARL: So what's this bit about? KARL: Hello, baby.
What are these saying? What have other people wrote down? KARL: Everybody wants a healthy baby.
I mean, don't feel like you have to write one down if you don't know what you want Hmm Don't do it, 'cause you're not sure, are you? RICHARD: You just talked her out of having a kid there.
I don't want to talk her out of anything, I just was getting across that it's a big decision.
People never really think it through.
They wish for things, and think, "Yeah, that's the answer," when they don't really know.
"Am I wish I had a baby.
â Well, I tell you what, if you wish you have a baby, and you have a baby, and it's keeping you up all night, you'll be wishing again at about 3:00 a.
m.
in the morning, you'll be wishing it goes to sleep.
"I wish it'd stop crying.
" "I wish it'd stop shitting on the sofa.
" You'll do a lot more wishing once you've had a baby.
KARL: Good one.
That's a good answer.
- That's the best one in here, that.
-HA[: Uh-huh.
RICHARD: How's Tony? KARL: Yeah, he's all right.
Quiet.
They piss through the mouth.
That's what it says here.
RICHARD: Anything about how you look after them? It's more about how to cook 'em.
Make you wonder, doesn't it? They way they eat shit here.
Did a meteorite wipe out the dinosaurs, or what? Or these lot here, chewing down on them.
I shouldn't have got involved.
I do wonder if the amount of people that have kids have them by accident, and they're just suddenly in your life, and that's like this.
I didn't think it would be that much of a headache.
I called the aquariums, they're not interested.
I called the conservation thing, they're not bothered, 'cause they're not endangered.
RICHARD: Are you sure we should be doing this? KARL: Well, what are the other options? We could take it back to the restaurant No, no, I'm not taking it back.
We've gone through too much now to turn round.
We'll set him free.
I've spent enough time trying to find somewhere for it.
I think this is pretty good.
Fresh water, shaley, which is what it said on the Internet.
Oh, fuck Don't let him bite me now, after everything I've been through.
Come on.
You've got to get out.
It's fresh water, so he should be quite happy.
There you are! Look at that, he's loving it, isn't he? Look at that, that's what they're meant to do, they're meant to sort of go under.
It's well happy.
I hope it's happy, anyway.
Probably thinking, "Twelve hours ago, [was in a three-star hotel.
" That is the fastest it's moved, isn't it? KARL: ifs sort of funny that everyone's asking, "Are you having kids? "Oh, you're missing out," and all the rest of it.
I might not be able to.
I don't know what condition me sperm is in.
No idea.
So that's what I'm gonna do today.
Get me sperm checked out.
See what state it's in.
I might have shit sperm, can't have a kid.
Or maybe that's good, maybe it just puts a line under it.
So when people say, "You're not having kids?" I can say, "Ah, I can't.
" "Sperm's no good.
" I'm really surprised that I, sort of, won the race to the egg, the way Fm net a good swimmer, I just don't get that.
'Cause in my head, if I was back in there now, and I was in a race with that lot, I'd go, "Forget it.
Let them lot go first.
"I'll stay at the back.
" Smells funny, don't it? So, I don't know what happened in there, I don't know if other sperms were pushing and shoving, or I got up early that day, and I just happened to be knocking around the sort of, the knob exit, and I was first out.
- Hi.
- Hiya.
How are you? Yes, I'm Karl.
Nice to see you.
All of it? As much as I can I don't know where it's gonna go.
Yeah, yeah, only once.
Definitely.
Really tight lid.
(WOMAN SQUEALING) Yeah, all right then.
(SQUEALING CONTINUES) It's okay? Please.
- All right.
I'll see you in a bit, then.
- Okay.
KARL: Hang on, let me just turn this off, it's a racket.
Jesus, she's doing me head in.
I haven't done anything like this before, it's a little bit weird.
There's a little bit of pressure.
If you ask me to burp on demand, I struggle.
So now, asking me to do this, knowing that you're waiting, knowing that he's waiting, it's not that relaxing.
I mean people obviously get a bit carried away in here, look at that.
Jesus.
How much are you meant to release? Goes up to, like, 100 ml.
Is this a rude magazine? There's nothing rude in it.
Who are they? It's like a crossword book, this.
Computers, microwaves.
Sudokus.
There's a competition here to win a PS3.
Well, it's got to be the DVD, then, don't it? (DOOR CLOSING) (UNZIPPING) RICHARD: Karl? You all right in there? KARL: Hang on.
Give us another five minutes.
(KARL WHISTLING) (EXHALING) - RICHARD: Success? - Eh? Yeah, it was good.
I don't know what's going on in there, but Yeah, I'm knackered, It's all rig ht, that.
See, if giving blood was as good as that, I'd do it every week.
Hello? Doctor? - Do(.
TOR: Yes.
- Doc Yeah, there's not loads, but I think there's enough.
DOCTOR: That's okay.
Could you put this back? Okay.
And that's definitely mine? Not somebody else's.
Oh, 42 million sperms.
Bloody hell, that's a lot, isn't it? KARL: I'm not used to getting good scores in tests.
So, the sperm seems to be, you know, pretty good stuff.
The only fault, he said, was the way it moves about.
It's all over the place, innit? So mine's a little bit below average? 'Cause they don't know where they're going.
Even though it's not, like, a proper baby or anything, that sperm has my, sort of, characteristics, the way it moves about, getting a bit lost, a bit like, "What's down here? "Oh, dunno.
What's over there? Let's go a bit that way.
" You know what I mean? But that's me.
You know, if I'm walking somewhere, I don't go the sort of direct route.
Go the nice route, take your time, what's the rush? Yeah.
That's a crazy one, that! - Yeah! (LAUGHING) - That one there.
You know how, like, most blokes have kids, they have a little picture in the wallet.
It'd be good to sort of have one.
A little picture in me wallet of all the little sperm, that's mine, so when people go, "Have you got any kids?" just go like that, "No, but there you are.
" KARL: Hasn't changed me mind, this.
Don't be thinking, "Oh, I've got broody "from just seeing a bit of jizz whizzing about the screen.
" I mean, just 'cause I've got good sperm, it doesn't mean I'd be a good dad, does it? It's two totally different things.
Loads of people out there with driving licences, but they're shit at driving.
KARL: So where's the rest of it? Do I get to take that away? KARL: It's definitely disposed, definitely gone? KARL: All right.
just making sure, I don't want someone else having a little Pilkington running about.
KARL: The old shoes off, here.
Our focus here is natural childbirth, of course.
We sing to the babies as they're coming into the world, because we acknowledge that it's not just a medical experience, it's also a miracle.
So, we like to greet the babies as souls.
Children who are born without birth trauma have an intact capacity to love and trust, which is really important.
There's this theory that you can have an orgasmic birth, and I have seen women, their childbirth is definitely an orgasmic experience.
(KARL CHUCKLING) Yeah.
If you listen to the sounds of childbirth, it can sound very orgasmic.
You're on call 2417.
(KARL TAKING A DEEP BREATH) All right.
- All right? Can you handle that? - Yeah, yeah.
Okay, 'cause babies come when they're ready.
Right now, it's quiet but it can get crazy here.
(KARL WHISTLING) just waitin'.
On call.
Doing little jobs around the place.
I don't mind.
It's better than sitting around doing nothing.
You know, if we get a call, go and help out.
I mean, sometimes women sort of demand odd things, don't they, when they're pregnant? I've heard about women who like licking bricks, or eating pencils and stuff.
They come up with weird shit.
And they say, "Oh, it's the imbalance in the body.
" It's not, they're just pushing their luck.
Start messing you about, sending you out for road cones or something so they can lick 'em.
"Yes, I'll get you water.
I'll wipe your head with a flannel.
"Don't be pissing me about.
" KARL: They said something about maybe helping out a young couple who's just had a baby.
And they don't have any time to themselves.
So I might go around there or something and give them a hand.
Wonder how that's gonna go.
Is this yours? Have you had a go on one of these before? RICHARD: Have you done much babysitting? No, I haven't.
I haven't really babysitted.
'Cause I wouldn't know what to do if something goes wrong.
It's like I'm in a hire car.
You know, I have me own car, I prang it, I bump it, it doesn't matter.
You've got a hire car, suddenly you're on edge, and that's what this is Like.
It's a little hire baby.
And it's in my hands, I'm responsible for it.
Got a heavy head.
Very heavy head.
Oh, look at the face on her.
Hey, don't start crying now.
(BABY CRYING LOUDLY) All right.
When did she last have a poo? - Yesterday? - Yeah.
So she's due one? Yay! Wave.
They're not even looking back.
I mean, they don? know me from Adam.
(BABY CRYING) What's up with it? What? Why are you crying? Look, there's no point crying.
(CRYING LOUDER) KARL: Shh Hey! Come on, look at some chickens.
There's a chicken over there.
See that? Eh? Chicken in your garden.
Get eggs from them.
You don't know what an egg is, so it's pointless telling you that.
You know nothing.
just knows nothing.
I could not be arsed, being a baby again.
When you think about the amount of stuff you've got to learn.
It's not even one yet.
All the shit it's gotta go through in its life.
That's the thing, isn't it? If she wasn't born, would the world be any worse off or better, do you know what I mean? She's not really needed.
She's a cute enough looking kid.
Aw, shh-shh-shh.
The thing is, all other insects and animals, they've got a purpose.
Soon as they're born, they've got a job.
We don't know what we're here for.
What's up with it? We're just all wandering around, doing daft things, killing time until we die.
That's why Frisbee's been invented.
Something to chuck about.
"What are you doing?" "Dunno.
" "Do you want a game of Frisbee?" Shh.
Shut up.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
RICHARD: You'll have to stimulate her.
KARL: Yeah, I am stimulating it.
I'm showing her a chicken.
Look, there's some bamboo.
Something else you don't know about.
There's a breeze block.
There's nothing here to stimulate it.
-(BABY FUSSING) -(KARL GROANING) Shh! Yeah, I definitely don't want one, Richard.
Definitely.
Definitely.
We can leave now.
It's confirmed it.
I've got brilliant jizz, I don't want any.
What's going on in your head? What's wrong? (BABY CRYING) (KARL BLOWING RASPBERRY) Woo! (COOING) Pig.
(MAKING SOUNDS) (SHUSHING) Oh, look, breeze.
Ba, ba, black sheep, have you any wool? Have you? Yes, I've got lots.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's wrong? (CRYING CONTINUES) It'll get tired in a minute, won't it? Surely it gets tired in a minute.
(CRYING CONTINUES) (SHUSHING) Hey, hey.
What do you want? I'm sick of this.
Sick of it.
Get them over.
Get them back.
Yeah, I can't be doing with it, I'm sorry.
It's stressing me out.
Yeah, it's going apeshit here.
- Yeah.
-(BABY STOPS CRYING) Look at that! As soon as you walk in! - Did you see that? -(LAUGHING) KARL: Typical.
Little bastard, it knew exactly what it was doing.
I think they can sense, can't they, when you're shite at something.
I think they know that the person who's got hold of them haven't got a clue what they're doing.
And then they release it.
They release the stress.
Which then stressed me out even more, so I'm getting more stressed, so that's getting more stressed.
We can't ail be dads, can we? I've got other skills.
RICHARD: Well, what other skills? Stuff.
Stuff around the house and that.
They're not doing anything.
Nothing's getting fixed or painted.
That bedroom we were in, it looks like a new extension.
The ceiling hasn't been painted.
Why's that? Got a baby around the house.
You can't do anything without it going off at all hours.
See the problem is they come out too early, don't they? You sort of get babies that they say are premature.
They're all premature.
None of them are ready to come into the world because they can't do anything.
(PARENTS COOING) KARL: God, them must be one coming out soon.
Plenty people around here are pregnant, but they dun? come out on demand, do they? I Well, I'm not going to have kids.
- You're not going to do it? - No.
No, it's not for me.
(MAN SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) He says, "jeez, that's like You can do that?" What do you mean? (MAN SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) WOMAN TRANSLATING: "People have a cycle of life.
If you don't reproduce, "how are you going to" But you're having them.
You're You're You've got a kid.
KARL: He gave me a hug before he went.
like, "It'll be all right.
You'll came to your senses.
â It's like, who's the mental one here? Is it me, or everyone else? (BELCHING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) It's all started.
It's about to kick off, I think.
I don't know what I'm meant to do.
RICHARD: You've got to make sure they're completely clean, Karl.
Yeah, I know, they are.
Anyway, I'm not going to be getting that close, am I? I'm not sticking me hands in.
KARL'.
I'm panicking more than the dad is.
Me heart's going, a little bit.
Got a bit of a flutter going on.
That hurts her.
She's pulling a face.
-(WOMAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) -(CRYING) Oh, I don't know about this.
I don't know about this.
I don't know.
I don't think this is for me.
[don't know about this.
I don't know what to do.
She's crying and that, I can't handle it.
RICHARD: You just go in, Karl.
Karl, get back in there and relax her.
(WOMAN CRYING) KARL: All right.
Is this good now? Am I doing it right now? KARL: Okay.
(WOMAN CRYING) I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do now.
Fuckin' hell, I need it.
I'm proper stressed out.
KARL: That's quite nice.
Bush Flower, emergency essence.
(EXHALING) I had kidney stones once, and I can sort of remember how bad it was.
I can't remember the actual pain.
I have heard from women who've had a natural childbirth and kidney stones that they would give birth a hundred times again before they had to do kidney stones, because it was horrible.
It was, [tell you.
Agony.
Agony.
And it's worse for a man I think, because our tubes are thinner.
WOMAN".
Yeah, And she has something positive to look forward to.
-She gets a baby at the end of it.
- KARL: Yeah.
No, I feel better now.
I feel better.
It's not as bad as kidney stones.
I told you.
[told you.
I knew it.
I fuckin' knew that I have had the worst pain that's out there.
âRt.
So she hasn't been through what I've been through.
I mean, I didn't have anyone rubbing my feet.
I remember, Suzanne was watching Jaws 2, and I was rolling about on the floor, and she was going, "Oh, pack it in.
" You know, she was using the birth thing.
"Women give birth all the time.
" I was like, "This is agony!" She's right.
She gets a baby at the end of it.
I got nothing to show for it.
I got nothing.
I didn't even see the stones.
Go on, you good 'un.
(BREATHING DEEPLY) Go on.
(WOMAN CRYING OUT IN PAIN) All right.
Is that nice? They're good, these.
WOMAN: First time for you? No, I use rubber gloves at home.
Do you want some honey? Just a little bit.
KARL: It's good.
KARL: Yeah, it'll be out by quarter past, twenty past ten.
(WOMAN WAILING) RICHARD: Karl? Has it happened yet? (SIGHING) Christ.
What What's been going on? She's out of the bath.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) WOMAN: Short cord, short cord.
That's that, then, isn't it? (BABY CRYING) (KARL LAUGHING) Fuckin' random, isn't it? (WOMEN SINGING SOFTLY) How mental is that? It's just weird.
It's really odd.
That's That's how I'd put it.
I wouldn't say cycle of life and all that.
I'd go, "Listen, get ready for this.
It's fucking weird.
"Don't miss the head coming out.
" Because it was just the head dangling out.
The baby's not making any noise.
That just sort of sat there like he's got some kind of weird polo neck on.
Sat there like that.
It's really weird.
Oh,Jesus.
Yeah, just like that.
(SNAPS) All that messing about.
I can't be all worthy about it.
Because I don't think me head works like that.
I know I swear a lot, and I wish I didn't.
But it's made for times like that.
I'm surprised I didn't say it out loud when it's head was there.
That is the prime time for going, "Fuck me!" I haven't got any other words, That sums it up for me.
"What the fuck is going on?â That's what I wanted to do.
"Fuck, fuck me!" It was one of them.
RICHARD: You've seen the birth now.
Have you changed your mind at all? KARL: No.
You know, that's just a small bit of it, isn't it? The having it.
It was all very exciting, but it's the rest of the time you've got to spend with the kid, isn't it? It's a lot different from when I was a kid to what it's like now.
I was sort of let out in the morning.
Door opened, sent out.
Like some sort of cat or dog.
That was it.
I didn't come back till it was going dark.
You can't do the same thing now, for some reason.
You can't just put a kid out and not wonder where he is.
You've got to be with them all the time.
We're creating softer people.
Kids need to sort of bang their head a bit.
And yet they're not allowed these days.
Years ago, you had accidents.
You know, you had kids with pans stuck on their head.
In A&E.
Never see that any more.
We're off to see some Sea Gypsies.
like a community of people who have kids, lei them run free.
And they've lived that way for hundreds of years, and it's not been a problem.
And I just want to see if that would make a difference, really.
They're like lemmings! Think they'll ever own a pair of socks? Because you'd never put them on, would you? That's the only thing I'd miss if I lived there.
I like putting socks on.
When you've had a hath or something.
Nothing cos/er, is there? Pissing it down.
Every time I come to somewhere like this, it pisses it down.
(CHILDREN GREETING AND LAUGHING) KARL: Hello.
How do I get up here then? (CHILDREN CHEERING) All right, then.
Weather's rubbish, isn't it? I mean, I don't quite understand where the parents are here.
Because there's just kids everywhere.
It's like Annie the musical, or something.
Everywhere you look, there's kids running around.
But they seem happy.
There is dodgy tools lying around everywhere.
Hammers, knives.
They don't worry about health and safety here.
We just worry too much now.
I bet no one here's got a wheat allergy.
I bet no one here can't have a peanut because their head goes big.
We've created all this shit.
I think we've overcomplicated stuff.
Humpty Dumpty.
When I was a kid, it was Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall, cracked his head, kings horses came, they couldn't fix him.
That That was the stow.
The latest one, they've updated it.
It's all about, was he pushed? Did he fall? Was there a crime at all? Judges are involved.
Solicitors.
The jury.
Honest to God, I'm not making it up.
It's like a long story now.
Like, working out It used to just be about an egg, falling off a wall.
Now it's, "Hang on, how did that happen? Who did it?" Ooh.
Good pass.
Jesus.
Bloody Total Wipeout.
What's this for? What is it? Do you know what they're actually putting on me here? Because there's a baby there.
It looks like baby shit.
Don't even know what this is, There's a lot of trust there.
I'm trusting, like, eight-year-old kids.
It could be emulsion, could be gloss.
I don't know what they're doing here.
It's suntan lotion then.
BOY: Fish.
KARL: Fish? We're going fishing? Yeah? Me and you? Oh, fuck.
Oh, shitting hell.
What an absolute commotion this is.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Let me just get a feel for this.
Bloody last' of The Summer Mae, isn't it, this? should be in a bath.
Your dad's got out.
I thought your dad was staying with us? Where we going? Out there? That's it.
Perfect.
That's it.
Take your time.
There, you.
Careful.
RICHARD: Karl? Why are you letting the kids do everything? They know what they're doing.
They live here.
They know what they're doing.
I don't know what I'm doing.
- They're only eight! - I'm a guest.
If they get tired, I'll take over, but they're fine with it.
I'll just watch.
Best way to learn.
Just watch and observe.
He's get one already! That was quick, wasn't it? Did he bring that with him? It's good, that.
RICHARD: You 're not getting involved? KARL: I'm happier here, just looking after the boat.
That's my little job.
Keeping an eye on things.
They've chucked a few in here.
Just keeping an eye on these, so they don't escape.
For some reason, at home, everyone thinks you're bad if you give a kid a job to do.
They call Childline of you ask them to put the kettle on.
Can't get them to do anything.
Lazy little shits at home.
If they helped out around the house and everything, at least there's a reason to having them.
You're paying for them.
You've got to buy them clothes, give them food.
What do they give back? At least these, they're helping them get the food.
Only eight.
If! had kids and I could use them like this, get them out working, helping out, honestly, Pd consider it.
Have they come up for air since? Hello? KARL: I mean, it was all right with the Sea Gypsies, but you know, it was a lot of kids, wasn't it? Glad to get away.
RICHARD: I thought that might've changed your mind.
KARL: You're having a laugh, are you? Well, I'll tell you what confirmed, to me, that I didn't want a kid.
It was in Bali, the babysitting.
That was it.
That hour I had with that baby, that was it.
But out of that came an idea.
When you think of how major it is to make a decision to have a kid, and yet a lot of people go into it totally blind.
They've never even had a baby stop over.
But no one's ever sort of thought about just letting you have a trial period with a kid.
And that's why we're in LA.
It's full of actors and that, isn't it? So that's me idea.
Using actors to act as kids.
Joe? How are you doing? Hey.
Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Hi! How are you doing? KARL: You know the Little job I've got for you? JOE: Yes, sir.
Yes sir.
DAVE: Yes.
Yes.
KARL: Going to a couple's house, and you just got to basically act like, sort of, five-, six-year-olds.
- Don't go over the top.
- DAVE: Right.
- Don't wreck the place.
- DAVE: Right.
But you've got kids yourselves, so just imagine what your kids did -when they were that age.
- Yeah.
We.
Right.
KARL'.
Sammy's going to be your dad, and Megan will be your mother for the night.
DAVE: Sounds good.
KARL: I want them to sort of experience it properly.
we.
Right.
âRt.
And by the end, they can make their minds up whether they want a kid or not.
You see, look at that.
Look out for dangerous.
They've left the door open.
So you could have easily got out there and got run over.
Stupid.
- This is Joe.
- Nice to meet you.
And he's six.
That's Dave, five.
KARL: just treat them as if, you know, they were your own.
You're in charge of You know, you've got to remember these are five and six.
So, uh, just look after them and see how you get on.
(BLOWING RECORDER) They seem like a happy couple who have a fairly decent life.
You know, there's pictures of them all over the wall.
Doing stuff together.
Having nice times, cut and about, looking quite healthy.
Looking like they had a good night's sleep.
All that's going to change.
MEGAN: David.
(BLOWING RECORDER) MEGAN: David! They knew they had kids coming.
And yet they had all the windows open.
It's like they haven't even thought about that.
They can climb out.
It's almost like they were going to use the window ledge as a naughty step.
SAMMY: Okay, that's enough.
Daddy, it's so high up here.
It's fun, come on.
I know, but it's dangerous, and you can't stand there.
KARL'.
I don't think it was that long before one of them found a bottle ol' bleach or something under the kitchen sink.
MEGAN: Oh! DAVE: Whoa! SAMMY: Did you drink some? MEGAN: That's not okay.
Where did you find this? JOE: Over there! KARL: I'm sure there is a lot of niceness when you have a kid.
I'm going to sit in the car! KARL: There's lots of jay that they bring.
It's the shitty bits.
That's what I wanted them to experience.
Going to a supermarket, that should be quick and easy.
It isn't when you've got kids.
JOE: Ow! MEGAN: Put that back.
SAMMY: Stop it! JOE: Ow, my MEGAN: Put the cookies back, please.
(GRUNTING) MEGAN: Not that one.
Put that one back.
I'm super hungry.
MEGAN: What about Oh! KARL: It was like one of those shopping dash things like they used to do with Dale Winton, Supermarket Sweep.
just trying to get it done as quick as they can.
Because every time they turned around, you know, Dave was running that way, or Joe was running that way.
It's like dropping a bag of Maltesers, You don't know which one to pick up.
What's going on? Hey, can we get pancakes? (PLAYFUL CHEWING) JOE: Dave! What are you doing? Mommy! SAMMY: Okay, time out.
MEGAN: Are you eating chips? JOE: He's eating chips! MEGAN: No dessert for you.
JOE: Sorry.
Yahoo-ay.
KARL: That's the main thing the difference is going to he for them.
You're suddenly going to have that new thing in your life.
You know, this isn't Amazon, where you can go "I'm not happy with the product," and pop it back in the post.
That's it.
You've got it.
JOE: Play catch.
- No, it's time for bed.
- SAMMY: No, it's bedtime.
Mommy and Daddy have to go to bed too.
JOE: I thought we would all play catch! No.
Maybe tomorrow morning.
"Through the meadow they went, down the road, over the bridge, "across the green grass, and up the hill, one after the other.
" JOE: Mommy, Daddy? David's waking up! SAMMY: Hang on.
MEGAN: I think you should close your eyes and, uh, think of, urn, what you want to do tomorrow.
- Uh-huh.
- And go back to sleep.
SAMMY: Please, go back to sleep.
KARL: How was it? MEGAN: Tiring.
Honestly.
SAMMY: Yeah, it was tiring.
I'm beat today.
It's just an extra set of hands that you have to watch out for.
They get into everything.
So, the big question is, you know, you've had a bit of an experience, has it changed your mind in any way? - MEGAN: Yeah.
- Ha! SAMMY: Maybe last night around 2:30 it did.
KARL: What, they woke up, did they? SAMMY: Yeah, yeah.
Woke up and, uh MEGAN: One of them was having a bad dream.
SAMMY: So that is deterring me.
MEGAN: So I think we still want them, but we're still happy just the two of us.
For right now.
I don't want to have kids until I can afford to get a nanny or a babysitter.
So that way, if we have to go shopping or something Yeah, then it's okay.
- All right, brilliant.
- Definitely a learning experience.
Well if you do do it, good luck with it all.
- Thank you.
- Nice meeting you, Karl.
All right, cheers.
Look after yourself.
BYE.
guys! - Bye! - Bye! KARL: That was all right, wasn't it? DAVE: Yeah.
JOE: Yeah.
KARL: A little job.
It's a new line of work for you, this, isn't it? Now that you've done it? DAVE: Yeah.
I think it's a great idea.
And they were talking about telling their friends too, so I think the word is, you know, definitely going to get out.
KARL: No of fence and that, but you've put me off having kids.
Just looking after you a little bit.
The need for love, marriage and lifelong commitment.
The yearning to reproduce and the survival of the human race.
The search for a vocation, the desire to find happiness -and the inevitable end death.
-(BELL TOLLS) But Karl Pilkington has not given a second thought to any of these issues.
This cat's cross-eyed.
I've never seen that before.
NARRATOR: Now he's turned 40, he thinks it's time he did.
(BURPS) He's travelling around the world to see how other people deal with life's big questions.
KARL: We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age.
This is the Pissing-About Age.
NARRATOR: And to see if the issues are such a big deal, anyway.
KARL: just because two people love each other and drag other people into it.
Get on with it.
NARRATOR: In this episode, Karl wants to know why people have children.
KARL: Lazy little shits at home.
Call Childline of you ask them to put the kettle on.
NARRATOR: Whether he can have kids.
How much are you meant to release? It goes up to, like, 100 ml.
NARRATOR: And what it's like being a parent.
(BABY CRYING) Shh.
NARRATOR: This is The Meaning of Life.
KARL: It's like, who's the mental one here? Is it me or everyone else? You've got to be a certain type of person to be a good parent.
And I don't think I'm cut out for it.
You know, I'm happy with the way things are.
I think I'm scared to change.
And then bring something else along.
There might be people watching, going "Oh, that's really sad, "you're missing out there," but, you know Like, when people say that, "It's life-changing" Well, that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? Take one of me legs off, that'll change me life.
We're not short of people, so you don't have to worry.
It's not like, "Karl, you've got to save the human race, have a kid.
" There's loads of them out there, can't move for them.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) RICHARD: Karl, you ready to go to the festival? Come on in.
I didn't sleep much.
RICHARD: How come? 'Cause of this.
I bought a turtle.
[just bought it.
RICHARD: You can't go buying turtles.
I know, but it was there.
I didn't walk past a pet shop and go, "Oh, I quite fancy a turtle.
" It was outside a restaurant, ready to be eaten.
And I just felt a bit bad when I saw its eyes and it was just sort of scratching in the plastic box.
And it just bothered me.
RICHARD: You've got it in a bath, you can't keep it like that! KARL: Don't be coming in, having a go.
This has been going through me head all night.
I kept worrying about it, I kept hearing noises and what have you.
I was coming in here about half one, two o'clock, checking it hadn't strangled itself on the plug chain.
I was sat there, looking at it, thinking "Is it even breathing?" But that's what I'd be doing with a baby.
I'd be going in, poking it all night.
'Cause I'd be on edge.
In a way, it's evidence to me that I wouldn't be good with kids.
'Cause I couldn't, sort of, be at ease.
I'd be worried about it, it'd be bothering me.
"What's it doing now?" RICHARD: Have you got a name for it? Tony.
Tony the turtle.
just seemed to roll off the tongue.
I'm annoyed with meself.
You shouldn't interfere, should you, really? If I hadn't even walked down that street, I wouldn't have seen it, and it'd be gone by now.
It would have been fried, a bit of wasabi on its head, someone would have eaten it.
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm meant to do.
RICHARD: You're gonna have to sort it out later, Karl, 'cause we've got to go to the festival.
KARL: Put the "Don't disturb " sign an the door.
You're not meant to have pets in here.
KARL: The world's gone mental.
There's a bloke just on the entrance there with a knob on his head.
Just looked like a low-rent Doctor Who character.
KARL: They were queuing up, wanting a picture taken with him.
Knob on his head, holding a sort of red knob here.
People laughing and all that.
New, where I grew up, there was a bloke called Mad john.
Used to get on the 261 bus and sit at the back and get his cock out.
People weren't laughing, having pictures taken with him.
He was put away for being a nutter.
KARL: He'd be a star here.
I don't quite get it, I don't know what I'm meant to get from this.
I don't know if I'm a miserable bastard, but everyone else is loving it.
RICHARD: They're just celebrating the gift of life.
But you celebrate life by enjoying your life.
You don't have to walk around with a cock on your head.
And that bit isn't really that important in the big scheme of things, is it? It's the bollocks that do the hard work.
That's the important bit.
It's always the way, isn't it? The things that do the hard work in life never get the credit.
Everyone should be walking around with bollocks on their head, if we're gonna do it.
KARL: I'm meeting a woman called Hai.
Wants to show me what, you know, all this is about.
Hai? Hiya, Hai! - Hi! - I'm Karl, nice to see you.
KARL: So what do you want then, do you want a boy or a girl? KARL: Oh, so you want more than one? KARL: Yeah I don't want any kids.
I've just never fancied it.
I don't know, we're just not bothered.
We haven't tried for it, it's not like, "Right, tonight, we're gonna go at it "hammer and tongs and we want to create a baby.
" Does me head in, this.
Crowds.
It's funny, 'cause she wants a baby.
We're pushed that close together, she might get one.
If you want kids, be at home.
Be having it away.
It's not going to happen here, is it? They're carrying the knob, yeah? Yeah, it's Fucking hell.
KARL: Everyone's doing their own thing here.
Who's in charge? And how far are we going with it? RICHARD: I think it's to the shopping mall and back.
Why are we taking this to the shops? I've had enough of it.
Nearly electrified meself, they've got electric wires going over the streets, pushing it up and down.
What a way to go.
Electrified by a knob.
KARL: Do you work at the moment, then? like, do you have a job? So would you have to stop that, though, if you had a kid? Are you sure, though? You're gonna be up all night, changing nappies.
You can't spend money on art stuff, you have to spend it on the baby.
There will be no more holidays, you won't be able to go out the same.
You can't pick what sort of a kid you're going to have.
You might have a kid, and he might be a right little shit, do you know what I mean? He might be loads of trouble.
For me, that's a gamble that I don't want to take.
KARL: Yeah.
KARL: So what's this bit about? KARL: Hello, baby.
What are these saying? What have other people wrote down? KARL: Everybody wants a healthy baby.
I mean, don't feel like you have to write one down if you don't know what you want Hmm Don't do it, 'cause you're not sure, are you? RICHARD: You just talked her out of having a kid there.
I don't want to talk her out of anything, I just was getting across that it's a big decision.
People never really think it through.
They wish for things, and think, "Yeah, that's the answer," when they don't really know.
"Am I wish I had a baby.
â Well, I tell you what, if you wish you have a baby, and you have a baby, and it's keeping you up all night, you'll be wishing again at about 3:00 a.
m.
in the morning, you'll be wishing it goes to sleep.
"I wish it'd stop crying.
" "I wish it'd stop shitting on the sofa.
" You'll do a lot more wishing once you've had a baby.
KARL: Good one.
That's a good answer.
- That's the best one in here, that.
-HA[: Uh-huh.
RICHARD: How's Tony? KARL: Yeah, he's all right.
Quiet.
They piss through the mouth.
That's what it says here.
RICHARD: Anything about how you look after them? It's more about how to cook 'em.
Make you wonder, doesn't it? They way they eat shit here.
Did a meteorite wipe out the dinosaurs, or what? Or these lot here, chewing down on them.
I shouldn't have got involved.
I do wonder if the amount of people that have kids have them by accident, and they're just suddenly in your life, and that's like this.
I didn't think it would be that much of a headache.
I called the aquariums, they're not interested.
I called the conservation thing, they're not bothered, 'cause they're not endangered.
RICHARD: Are you sure we should be doing this? KARL: Well, what are the other options? We could take it back to the restaurant No, no, I'm not taking it back.
We've gone through too much now to turn round.
We'll set him free.
I've spent enough time trying to find somewhere for it.
I think this is pretty good.
Fresh water, shaley, which is what it said on the Internet.
Oh, fuck Don't let him bite me now, after everything I've been through.
Come on.
You've got to get out.
It's fresh water, so he should be quite happy.
There you are! Look at that, he's loving it, isn't he? Look at that, that's what they're meant to do, they're meant to sort of go under.
It's well happy.
I hope it's happy, anyway.
Probably thinking, "Twelve hours ago, [was in a three-star hotel.
" That is the fastest it's moved, isn't it? KARL: ifs sort of funny that everyone's asking, "Are you having kids? "Oh, you're missing out," and all the rest of it.
I might not be able to.
I don't know what condition me sperm is in.
No idea.
So that's what I'm gonna do today.
Get me sperm checked out.
See what state it's in.
I might have shit sperm, can't have a kid.
Or maybe that's good, maybe it just puts a line under it.
So when people say, "You're not having kids?" I can say, "Ah, I can't.
" "Sperm's no good.
" I'm really surprised that I, sort of, won the race to the egg, the way Fm net a good swimmer, I just don't get that.
'Cause in my head, if I was back in there now, and I was in a race with that lot, I'd go, "Forget it.
Let them lot go first.
"I'll stay at the back.
" Smells funny, don't it? So, I don't know what happened in there, I don't know if other sperms were pushing and shoving, or I got up early that day, and I just happened to be knocking around the sort of, the knob exit, and I was first out.
- Hi.
- Hiya.
How are you? Yes, I'm Karl.
Nice to see you.
All of it? As much as I can I don't know where it's gonna go.
Yeah, yeah, only once.
Definitely.
Really tight lid.
(WOMAN SQUEALING) Yeah, all right then.
(SQUEALING CONTINUES) It's okay? Please.
- All right.
I'll see you in a bit, then.
- Okay.
KARL: Hang on, let me just turn this off, it's a racket.
Jesus, she's doing me head in.
I haven't done anything like this before, it's a little bit weird.
There's a little bit of pressure.
If you ask me to burp on demand, I struggle.
So now, asking me to do this, knowing that you're waiting, knowing that he's waiting, it's not that relaxing.
I mean people obviously get a bit carried away in here, look at that.
Jesus.
How much are you meant to release? Goes up to, like, 100 ml.
Is this a rude magazine? There's nothing rude in it.
Who are they? It's like a crossword book, this.
Computers, microwaves.
Sudokus.
There's a competition here to win a PS3.
Well, it's got to be the DVD, then, don't it? (DOOR CLOSING) (UNZIPPING) RICHARD: Karl? You all right in there? KARL: Hang on.
Give us another five minutes.
(KARL WHISTLING) (EXHALING) - RICHARD: Success? - Eh? Yeah, it was good.
I don't know what's going on in there, but Yeah, I'm knackered, It's all rig ht, that.
See, if giving blood was as good as that, I'd do it every week.
Hello? Doctor? - Do(.
TOR: Yes.
- Doc Yeah, there's not loads, but I think there's enough.
DOCTOR: That's okay.
Could you put this back? Okay.
And that's definitely mine? Not somebody else's.
Oh, 42 million sperms.
Bloody hell, that's a lot, isn't it? KARL: I'm not used to getting good scores in tests.
So, the sperm seems to be, you know, pretty good stuff.
The only fault, he said, was the way it moves about.
It's all over the place, innit? So mine's a little bit below average? 'Cause they don't know where they're going.
Even though it's not, like, a proper baby or anything, that sperm has my, sort of, characteristics, the way it moves about, getting a bit lost, a bit like, "What's down here? "Oh, dunno.
What's over there? Let's go a bit that way.
" You know what I mean? But that's me.
You know, if I'm walking somewhere, I don't go the sort of direct route.
Go the nice route, take your time, what's the rush? Yeah.
That's a crazy one, that! - Yeah! (LAUGHING) - That one there.
You know how, like, most blokes have kids, they have a little picture in the wallet.
It'd be good to sort of have one.
A little picture in me wallet of all the little sperm, that's mine, so when people go, "Have you got any kids?" just go like that, "No, but there you are.
" KARL: Hasn't changed me mind, this.
Don't be thinking, "Oh, I've got broody "from just seeing a bit of jizz whizzing about the screen.
" I mean, just 'cause I've got good sperm, it doesn't mean I'd be a good dad, does it? It's two totally different things.
Loads of people out there with driving licences, but they're shit at driving.
KARL: So where's the rest of it? Do I get to take that away? KARL: It's definitely disposed, definitely gone? KARL: All right.
just making sure, I don't want someone else having a little Pilkington running about.
KARL: The old shoes off, here.
Our focus here is natural childbirth, of course.
We sing to the babies as they're coming into the world, because we acknowledge that it's not just a medical experience, it's also a miracle.
So, we like to greet the babies as souls.
Children who are born without birth trauma have an intact capacity to love and trust, which is really important.
There's this theory that you can have an orgasmic birth, and I have seen women, their childbirth is definitely an orgasmic experience.
(KARL CHUCKLING) Yeah.
If you listen to the sounds of childbirth, it can sound very orgasmic.
You're on call 2417.
(KARL TAKING A DEEP BREATH) All right.
- All right? Can you handle that? - Yeah, yeah.
Okay, 'cause babies come when they're ready.
Right now, it's quiet but it can get crazy here.
(KARL WHISTLING) just waitin'.
On call.
Doing little jobs around the place.
I don't mind.
It's better than sitting around doing nothing.
You know, if we get a call, go and help out.
I mean, sometimes women sort of demand odd things, don't they, when they're pregnant? I've heard about women who like licking bricks, or eating pencils and stuff.
They come up with weird shit.
And they say, "Oh, it's the imbalance in the body.
" It's not, they're just pushing their luck.
Start messing you about, sending you out for road cones or something so they can lick 'em.
"Yes, I'll get you water.
I'll wipe your head with a flannel.
"Don't be pissing me about.
" KARL: They said something about maybe helping out a young couple who's just had a baby.
And they don't have any time to themselves.
So I might go around there or something and give them a hand.
Wonder how that's gonna go.
Is this yours? Have you had a go on one of these before? RICHARD: Have you done much babysitting? No, I haven't.
I haven't really babysitted.
'Cause I wouldn't know what to do if something goes wrong.
It's like I'm in a hire car.
You know, I have me own car, I prang it, I bump it, it doesn't matter.
You've got a hire car, suddenly you're on edge, and that's what this is Like.
It's a little hire baby.
And it's in my hands, I'm responsible for it.
Got a heavy head.
Very heavy head.
Oh, look at the face on her.
Hey, don't start crying now.
(BABY CRYING LOUDLY) All right.
When did she last have a poo? - Yesterday? - Yeah.
So she's due one? Yay! Wave.
They're not even looking back.
I mean, they don? know me from Adam.
(BABY CRYING) What's up with it? What? Why are you crying? Look, there's no point crying.
(CRYING LOUDER) KARL: Shh Hey! Come on, look at some chickens.
There's a chicken over there.
See that? Eh? Chicken in your garden.
Get eggs from them.
You don't know what an egg is, so it's pointless telling you that.
You know nothing.
just knows nothing.
I could not be arsed, being a baby again.
When you think about the amount of stuff you've got to learn.
It's not even one yet.
All the shit it's gotta go through in its life.
That's the thing, isn't it? If she wasn't born, would the world be any worse off or better, do you know what I mean? She's not really needed.
She's a cute enough looking kid.
Aw, shh-shh-shh.
The thing is, all other insects and animals, they've got a purpose.
Soon as they're born, they've got a job.
We don't know what we're here for.
What's up with it? We're just all wandering around, doing daft things, killing time until we die.
That's why Frisbee's been invented.
Something to chuck about.
"What are you doing?" "Dunno.
" "Do you want a game of Frisbee?" Shh.
Shut up.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
RICHARD: You'll have to stimulate her.
KARL: Yeah, I am stimulating it.
I'm showing her a chicken.
Look, there's some bamboo.
Something else you don't know about.
There's a breeze block.
There's nothing here to stimulate it.
-(BABY FUSSING) -(KARL GROANING) Shh! Yeah, I definitely don't want one, Richard.
Definitely.
Definitely.
We can leave now.
It's confirmed it.
I've got brilliant jizz, I don't want any.
What's going on in your head? What's wrong? (BABY CRYING) (KARL BLOWING RASPBERRY) Woo! (COOING) Pig.
(MAKING SOUNDS) (SHUSHING) Oh, look, breeze.
Ba, ba, black sheep, have you any wool? Have you? Yes, I've got lots.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's wrong? (CRYING CONTINUES) It'll get tired in a minute, won't it? Surely it gets tired in a minute.
(CRYING CONTINUES) (SHUSHING) Hey, hey.
What do you want? I'm sick of this.
Sick of it.
Get them over.
Get them back.
Yeah, I can't be doing with it, I'm sorry.
It's stressing me out.
Yeah, it's going apeshit here.
- Yeah.
-(BABY STOPS CRYING) Look at that! As soon as you walk in! - Did you see that? -(LAUGHING) KARL: Typical.
Little bastard, it knew exactly what it was doing.
I think they can sense, can't they, when you're shite at something.
I think they know that the person who's got hold of them haven't got a clue what they're doing.
And then they release it.
They release the stress.
Which then stressed me out even more, so I'm getting more stressed, so that's getting more stressed.
We can't ail be dads, can we? I've got other skills.
RICHARD: Well, what other skills? Stuff.
Stuff around the house and that.
They're not doing anything.
Nothing's getting fixed or painted.
That bedroom we were in, it looks like a new extension.
The ceiling hasn't been painted.
Why's that? Got a baby around the house.
You can't do anything without it going off at all hours.
See the problem is they come out too early, don't they? You sort of get babies that they say are premature.
They're all premature.
None of them are ready to come into the world because they can't do anything.
(PARENTS COOING) KARL: God, them must be one coming out soon.
Plenty people around here are pregnant, but they dun? come out on demand, do they? I Well, I'm not going to have kids.
- You're not going to do it? - No.
No, it's not for me.
(MAN SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) He says, "jeez, that's like You can do that?" What do you mean? (MAN SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) WOMAN TRANSLATING: "People have a cycle of life.
If you don't reproduce, "how are you going to" But you're having them.
You're You're You've got a kid.
KARL: He gave me a hug before he went.
like, "It'll be all right.
You'll came to your senses.
â It's like, who's the mental one here? Is it me, or everyone else? (BELCHING) (THUNDER CLAPPING) It's all started.
It's about to kick off, I think.
I don't know what I'm meant to do.
RICHARD: You've got to make sure they're completely clean, Karl.
Yeah, I know, they are.
Anyway, I'm not going to be getting that close, am I? I'm not sticking me hands in.
KARL'.
I'm panicking more than the dad is.
Me heart's going, a little bit.
Got a bit of a flutter going on.
That hurts her.
She's pulling a face.
-(WOMAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) -(CRYING) Oh, I don't know about this.
I don't know about this.
I don't know.
I don't think this is for me.
[don't know about this.
I don't know what to do.
She's crying and that, I can't handle it.
RICHARD: You just go in, Karl.
Karl, get back in there and relax her.
(WOMAN CRYING) KARL: All right.
Is this good now? Am I doing it right now? KARL: Okay.
(WOMAN CRYING) I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do now.
Fuckin' hell, I need it.
I'm proper stressed out.
KARL: That's quite nice.
Bush Flower, emergency essence.
(EXHALING) I had kidney stones once, and I can sort of remember how bad it was.
I can't remember the actual pain.
I have heard from women who've had a natural childbirth and kidney stones that they would give birth a hundred times again before they had to do kidney stones, because it was horrible.
It was, [tell you.
Agony.
Agony.
And it's worse for a man I think, because our tubes are thinner.
WOMAN".
Yeah, And she has something positive to look forward to.
-She gets a baby at the end of it.
- KARL: Yeah.
No, I feel better now.
I feel better.
It's not as bad as kidney stones.
I told you.
[told you.
I knew it.
I fuckin' knew that I have had the worst pain that's out there.
âRt.
So she hasn't been through what I've been through.
I mean, I didn't have anyone rubbing my feet.
I remember, Suzanne was watching Jaws 2, and I was rolling about on the floor, and she was going, "Oh, pack it in.
" You know, she was using the birth thing.
"Women give birth all the time.
" I was like, "This is agony!" She's right.
She gets a baby at the end of it.
I got nothing to show for it.
I got nothing.
I didn't even see the stones.
Go on, you good 'un.
(BREATHING DEEPLY) Go on.
(WOMAN CRYING OUT IN PAIN) All right.
Is that nice? They're good, these.
WOMAN: First time for you? No, I use rubber gloves at home.
Do you want some honey? Just a little bit.
KARL: It's good.
KARL: Yeah, it'll be out by quarter past, twenty past ten.
(WOMAN WAILING) RICHARD: Karl? Has it happened yet? (SIGHING) Christ.
What What's been going on? She's out of the bath.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) WOMAN: Short cord, short cord.
That's that, then, isn't it? (BABY CRYING) (KARL LAUGHING) Fuckin' random, isn't it? (WOMEN SINGING SOFTLY) How mental is that? It's just weird.
It's really odd.
That's That's how I'd put it.
I wouldn't say cycle of life and all that.
I'd go, "Listen, get ready for this.
It's fucking weird.
"Don't miss the head coming out.
" Because it was just the head dangling out.
The baby's not making any noise.
That just sort of sat there like he's got some kind of weird polo neck on.
Sat there like that.
It's really weird.
Oh,Jesus.
Yeah, just like that.
(SNAPS) All that messing about.
I can't be all worthy about it.
Because I don't think me head works like that.
I know I swear a lot, and I wish I didn't.
But it's made for times like that.
I'm surprised I didn't say it out loud when it's head was there.
That is the prime time for going, "Fuck me!" I haven't got any other words, That sums it up for me.
"What the fuck is going on?â That's what I wanted to do.
"Fuck, fuck me!" It was one of them.
RICHARD: You've seen the birth now.
Have you changed your mind at all? KARL: No.
You know, that's just a small bit of it, isn't it? The having it.
It was all very exciting, but it's the rest of the time you've got to spend with the kid, isn't it? It's a lot different from when I was a kid to what it's like now.
I was sort of let out in the morning.
Door opened, sent out.
Like some sort of cat or dog.
That was it.
I didn't come back till it was going dark.
You can't do the same thing now, for some reason.
You can't just put a kid out and not wonder where he is.
You've got to be with them all the time.
We're creating softer people.
Kids need to sort of bang their head a bit.
And yet they're not allowed these days.
Years ago, you had accidents.
You know, you had kids with pans stuck on their head.
In A&E.
Never see that any more.
We're off to see some Sea Gypsies.
like a community of people who have kids, lei them run free.
And they've lived that way for hundreds of years, and it's not been a problem.
And I just want to see if that would make a difference, really.
They're like lemmings! Think they'll ever own a pair of socks? Because you'd never put them on, would you? That's the only thing I'd miss if I lived there.
I like putting socks on.
When you've had a hath or something.
Nothing cos/er, is there? Pissing it down.
Every time I come to somewhere like this, it pisses it down.
(CHILDREN GREETING AND LAUGHING) KARL: Hello.
How do I get up here then? (CHILDREN CHEERING) All right, then.
Weather's rubbish, isn't it? I mean, I don't quite understand where the parents are here.
Because there's just kids everywhere.
It's like Annie the musical, or something.
Everywhere you look, there's kids running around.
But they seem happy.
There is dodgy tools lying around everywhere.
Hammers, knives.
They don't worry about health and safety here.
We just worry too much now.
I bet no one here's got a wheat allergy.
I bet no one here can't have a peanut because their head goes big.
We've created all this shit.
I think we've overcomplicated stuff.
Humpty Dumpty.
When I was a kid, it was Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall, cracked his head, kings horses came, they couldn't fix him.
That That was the stow.
The latest one, they've updated it.
It's all about, was he pushed? Did he fall? Was there a crime at all? Judges are involved.
Solicitors.
The jury.
Honest to God, I'm not making it up.
It's like a long story now.
Like, working out It used to just be about an egg, falling off a wall.
Now it's, "Hang on, how did that happen? Who did it?" Ooh.
Good pass.
Jesus.
Bloody Total Wipeout.
What's this for? What is it? Do you know what they're actually putting on me here? Because there's a baby there.
It looks like baby shit.
Don't even know what this is, There's a lot of trust there.
I'm trusting, like, eight-year-old kids.
It could be emulsion, could be gloss.
I don't know what they're doing here.
It's suntan lotion then.
BOY: Fish.
KARL: Fish? We're going fishing? Yeah? Me and you? Oh, fuck.
Oh, shitting hell.
What an absolute commotion this is.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Let me just get a feel for this.
Bloody last' of The Summer Mae, isn't it, this? should be in a bath.
Your dad's got out.
I thought your dad was staying with us? Where we going? Out there? That's it.
Perfect.
That's it.
Take your time.
There, you.
Careful.
RICHARD: Karl? Why are you letting the kids do everything? They know what they're doing.
They live here.
They know what they're doing.
I don't know what I'm doing.
- They're only eight! - I'm a guest.
If they get tired, I'll take over, but they're fine with it.
I'll just watch.
Best way to learn.
Just watch and observe.
He's get one already! That was quick, wasn't it? Did he bring that with him? It's good, that.
RICHARD: You 're not getting involved? KARL: I'm happier here, just looking after the boat.
That's my little job.
Keeping an eye on things.
They've chucked a few in here.
Just keeping an eye on these, so they don't escape.
For some reason, at home, everyone thinks you're bad if you give a kid a job to do.
They call Childline of you ask them to put the kettle on.
Can't get them to do anything.
Lazy little shits at home.
If they helped out around the house and everything, at least there's a reason to having them.
You're paying for them.
You've got to buy them clothes, give them food.
What do they give back? At least these, they're helping them get the food.
Only eight.
If! had kids and I could use them like this, get them out working, helping out, honestly, Pd consider it.
Have they come up for air since? Hello? KARL: I mean, it was all right with the Sea Gypsies, but you know, it was a lot of kids, wasn't it? Glad to get away.
RICHARD: I thought that might've changed your mind.
KARL: You're having a laugh, are you? Well, I'll tell you what confirmed, to me, that I didn't want a kid.
It was in Bali, the babysitting.
That was it.
That hour I had with that baby, that was it.
But out of that came an idea.
When you think of how major it is to make a decision to have a kid, and yet a lot of people go into it totally blind.
They've never even had a baby stop over.
But no one's ever sort of thought about just letting you have a trial period with a kid.
And that's why we're in LA.
It's full of actors and that, isn't it? So that's me idea.
Using actors to act as kids.
Joe? How are you doing? Hey.
Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Hi! How are you doing? KARL: You know the Little job I've got for you? JOE: Yes, sir.
Yes sir.
DAVE: Yes.
Yes.
KARL: Going to a couple's house, and you just got to basically act like, sort of, five-, six-year-olds.
- Don't go over the top.
- DAVE: Right.
- Don't wreck the place.
- DAVE: Right.
But you've got kids yourselves, so just imagine what your kids did -when they were that age.
- Yeah.
We.
Right.
KARL'.
Sammy's going to be your dad, and Megan will be your mother for the night.
DAVE: Sounds good.
KARL: I want them to sort of experience it properly.
we.
Right.
âRt.
And by the end, they can make their minds up whether they want a kid or not.
You see, look at that.
Look out for dangerous.
They've left the door open.
So you could have easily got out there and got run over.
Stupid.
- This is Joe.
- Nice to meet you.
And he's six.
That's Dave, five.
KARL: just treat them as if, you know, they were your own.
You're in charge of You know, you've got to remember these are five and six.
So, uh, just look after them and see how you get on.
(BLOWING RECORDER) They seem like a happy couple who have a fairly decent life.
You know, there's pictures of them all over the wall.
Doing stuff together.
Having nice times, cut and about, looking quite healthy.
Looking like they had a good night's sleep.
All that's going to change.
MEGAN: David.
(BLOWING RECORDER) MEGAN: David! They knew they had kids coming.
And yet they had all the windows open.
It's like they haven't even thought about that.
They can climb out.
It's almost like they were going to use the window ledge as a naughty step.
SAMMY: Okay, that's enough.
Daddy, it's so high up here.
It's fun, come on.
I know, but it's dangerous, and you can't stand there.
KARL'.
I don't think it was that long before one of them found a bottle ol' bleach or something under the kitchen sink.
MEGAN: Oh! DAVE: Whoa! SAMMY: Did you drink some? MEGAN: That's not okay.
Where did you find this? JOE: Over there! KARL: I'm sure there is a lot of niceness when you have a kid.
I'm going to sit in the car! KARL: There's lots of jay that they bring.
It's the shitty bits.
That's what I wanted them to experience.
Going to a supermarket, that should be quick and easy.
It isn't when you've got kids.
JOE: Ow! MEGAN: Put that back.
SAMMY: Stop it! JOE: Ow, my MEGAN: Put the cookies back, please.
(GRUNTING) MEGAN: Not that one.
Put that one back.
I'm super hungry.
MEGAN: What about Oh! KARL: It was like one of those shopping dash things like they used to do with Dale Winton, Supermarket Sweep.
just trying to get it done as quick as they can.
Because every time they turned around, you know, Dave was running that way, or Joe was running that way.
It's like dropping a bag of Maltesers, You don't know which one to pick up.
What's going on? Hey, can we get pancakes? (PLAYFUL CHEWING) JOE: Dave! What are you doing? Mommy! SAMMY: Okay, time out.
MEGAN: Are you eating chips? JOE: He's eating chips! MEGAN: No dessert for you.
JOE: Sorry.
Yahoo-ay.
KARL: That's the main thing the difference is going to he for them.
You're suddenly going to have that new thing in your life.
You know, this isn't Amazon, where you can go "I'm not happy with the product," and pop it back in the post.
That's it.
You've got it.
JOE: Play catch.
- No, it's time for bed.
- SAMMY: No, it's bedtime.
Mommy and Daddy have to go to bed too.
JOE: I thought we would all play catch! No.
Maybe tomorrow morning.
"Through the meadow they went, down the road, over the bridge, "across the green grass, and up the hill, one after the other.
" JOE: Mommy, Daddy? David's waking up! SAMMY: Hang on.
MEGAN: I think you should close your eyes and, uh, think of, urn, what you want to do tomorrow.
- Uh-huh.
- And go back to sleep.
SAMMY: Please, go back to sleep.
KARL: How was it? MEGAN: Tiring.
Honestly.
SAMMY: Yeah, it was tiring.
I'm beat today.
It's just an extra set of hands that you have to watch out for.
They get into everything.
So, the big question is, you know, you've had a bit of an experience, has it changed your mind in any way? - MEGAN: Yeah.
- Ha! SAMMY: Maybe last night around 2:30 it did.
KARL: What, they woke up, did they? SAMMY: Yeah, yeah.
Woke up and, uh MEGAN: One of them was having a bad dream.
SAMMY: So that is deterring me.
MEGAN: So I think we still want them, but we're still happy just the two of us.
For right now.
I don't want to have kids until I can afford to get a nanny or a babysitter.
So that way, if we have to go shopping or something Yeah, then it's okay.
- All right, brilliant.
- Definitely a learning experience.
Well if you do do it, good luck with it all.
- Thank you.
- Nice meeting you, Karl.
All right, cheers.
Look after yourself.
BYE.
guys! - Bye! - Bye! KARL: That was all right, wasn't it? DAVE: Yeah.
JOE: Yeah.
KARL: A little job.
It's a new line of work for you, this, isn't it? Now that you've done it? DAVE: Yeah.
I think it's a great idea.
And they were talking about telling their friends too, so I think the word is, you know, definitely going to get out.
KARL: No of fence and that, but you've put me off having kids.
Just looking after you a little bit.