Kenan (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Another great show today.
Now, really big news, everybody.
- Oh, nasty.
- Who died in that cup?
If you're gonna drink
something that's gone bad,
do it in the privacy
of your car like I do.
It's just mushroom tea. Grow up, people.
Anyway, as you know, ads are down,
and the network is on my butt
to get proactive
about new revenue streams.
Well, I'm about to get more
proactive than Kendall Jenner.
[LAUGHS]
'Cause she's a spokesperson
for Proactiv.
- Not your best.
- Oh.
Oh, I know her more
from her brave Pepsi protest.
Okay, the point is, "Wake Up with Kenan"
is adding a fourth hour.
- Okay.
- Awesome.
That's 15 minutes more commercials.
Okay, so let me just be clear
- that's another hour of work?
- Another hour of fun.
So, we're gonna start small
with Keenan doing just solo interviews.
I'm so happy for you, Kenan.
- Thank you.
- Isn't this great?
Sure, yeah.
I mean, I guess
the girls have school anyway,
and I could just cancel some haircuts
and move some
doctors' appointments around
and just stop exercising entirely.
When did you start?
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Pam, you better stop.
You know I hit that gym pretty hard.
Really? 'Cause when you
walk up the stairs,
you wheeze out on step three.
I told you. It's not a wheeze.
I was howling from excitement
of getting to the top.
- Mm-hmm.
- So actually, Kenan, since the network
already has their hit hour after us
"Morning Bubbles"
we're going to start
our fourth hour at 4:00.
- 4:00?
- Yeah.
- In the ante meridiem?
- Yes.
It's a totally untapped market.
Come on, y'all, this is gonna be huge.
You feel it, Kenan?
Do you smell what the Mika is cooking?
- [CHUCKLES] Uh
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yeah, sure. I definitely I smell it.
I smell something,
unless it's still that tea.
Actually, this time, that's on me.
Okay, meeting adjourned.
Wow, ugh.
[FUNKY UPBEAT MUSIC]
4:00 a. m.? That's damn near yesterday.
How you gonna pull this off?
I guess by waking up an hour earlier?
Oh, really?
Because you get real punchy
if you don't get your winks,
just start saying what's ever on top
of your head like a auntie.
Remember when you played that all-night
celebrity basketball tournament?
You told Charles Barkley
you love guarding him
because his skin is so soft.
Well, hey, just because
I shouldn't say it
don't mean it's not true.
But I mean, come on.
I can't go to bed earlier
and miss time with the girls.
They need me right now,
and so does Mika,
so what was I supposed to say, no?
Hell no, you never say no,
which is a problem,
but right now,
your bigger problem is Tami.
You better watch the throne, king.
What? Man, Tami's not coming for me.
Okay, and this one is for your tummy.
If she's not coming for you,
then why is she giving
the whole crew muffins,
which highlights the point
that you don't give nobody
no damn muffins.
I'm Kenan. I don't bring muffins.
I slap the muffin out your hands
and then everybody laughs.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
If she gets an hour to herself
on this show, it's a wrap.
Look man, as your bro-ager
We have talked about bro-ager.
Come on, man. I want a special name.
Moms get mom-ager,
and you won't call me mom-ager.
Because you are childless and a man.
Then call me a man-ager. Damn it.
Look, the point is
Tami's coming for your spot, all right?
She's been pitching segment ideas
and going four quadrant
on her styling and now the damn muffins?
Stop distracting me with your
made-up problems. All right?
The real problem is I gotta
get up in the middle of night
when the garbage men rule the streets.
We have designated that as their time.
But I can totally do this.
I mean, not letting people down
is what I do.
I got this.
And I got the Tami thing.
No, there is no Tami thing.
- On it.
- Get back here!
Already gone.
Now I'm not a traditional autumn,
yet I notice you put on a lot
of orange and green on my face.
- Mm-hmm, yeah, I do.
- Okay, well, I
Oh, hey, Tami.
Hey, just want to check in, you know?
See how your family is
and where you see yourself
five years from now professionally.
Oh, thanks.
I guess I don't think that far ahead.
What shoes am I going to wear tomorrow?
- That's where I'm at.
- Uh-huh.
Muffin? [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- Delicious.
- Mm.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Daddy, why are you
making dinner so early?
Because low and slow is the key
to the perfect meatball, all right?
Action Bronson said cooking
is all about controlling every variable.
- He's scary.
- Ooh, Lordy, man.
I heard you have to be
at work at 4:00 a. m.
Prepare yourself for a lot of
weird eye-contact
- at stop lights.
- Wait, is that true?
Well, yeah, baby. It is.
I mean, they added an extra hour
to Daddy's show, but don't worry.
Nothing's going to change for you.
I'm just going to get up a bit earlier.
- Yikes.
- Uh-oh.
- [CHUCKLING]
- What?
You're not really good
at no sleep, champ.
Remember when the girls
were up sick for three nights
and you wrote that op-ed
in the "Chronicle"
raving about Charles Barkley's
velvety skin?
Well, the man has knees
that are soft as peaches.
Why don't you just go to bed earlier?
And miss night-night?
No, I haven't missed
a single bedtime since
Look, I can do it all,
all right? Don't worry.
Can't Papa Rick just do bedtime?
It'll be fun.
Yes, please, please, please, please.
- Please.
- Please, please, please!
Okay, all right, all right.
- If that's what you really want.
- Yes.
And if he doesn't mind
taking time away from
what exactly is your day-to-day, Rick?
Nothing much. I'm in.
- Yay!
- Whee!
Okay, this is gonna be
the best night ever.
Let's lay out our pajamas for tonight.
Hey, man, thank you.
I'm trying to get better
about accepting help,
- so you sure you don't mind?
- Heck no.
I missed most of Cori's bedtimes,
and her daytimes,
but now I get to be
with my granddaughters
and make up
for all of the mistakes I made
with my daughter five minutes at a time.
Touching, but their bedtime
is a little longer than five minutes.
They added a few things this year,
so now it's two songs
and three stories apiece,
and then we do a mind meld
where I think of a number
and we put our heads together
and whichever one guesses
is closest to that number,
I love the most.
It's always a tie.
In and out, 45 minutes tops.
Hm.
You want to know your problem?
Oh, no, thank you.
You're a pushover.
Every couple's got one.
And it's balanced out by the tough one,
so with Cori gone,
you got no shot at saying no.
I'm no pushover.
Technically, she was the bad cop,
and I was the very well-liked cop.
You know how my dad got us to sleep?
Held us down. That's it.
Just held us down
until we stopped squirming.
That's maybe assault.
No, the squirming is good.
It tires you out.
We slept like angels.
Well, angels are technically dead so
You're not just
a pushover with the girls.
You can't say no to anybody
without Cori in your corner.
That's why your brother
manages your career,
why Mika's got you up
at 4:00 a. m. in butt crack,
and I've got my fingers
all up your meatball pan.
Okay, I might be
a bit of a people pleaser,
but it doesn't mean I can't
be tough when I need to be.
So I would like for you
to put girls down my way or
please just put 'em down my way, please.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
You're the boss.
But, Rick, those meatballs
are supposed to simmer
for 90 minutes.
They are essentially raw.
I've been to France.
♪
[SCREAMS]
[ALL SCREAM]
- We were wrong.
- You have to do bedtime.
I let 'em watch "It".
It's about a clown.
"And so he married the princess
"because she was so sensitive,
she could feel a pea under her bed."
Huh?
Wait. Don't forget the hallway song.
Right, hallway song coming up.
Hallway ♪
I'm singing in my hallway ♪
I'm singing in ♪
Thanks a lot, Rick.
If you would have just
done what I asked you,
I would be sleeping right now.
It's my little,
small way of trying ♪
No, no, I did everything
you asked me to do,
and they just kept adding more stuff.
Finally, I told them
if you want to stay up,
then you gotta do what I want to do,
and I wanted to watch "It."
You suddenly wanted to watch "It"
a horror movie from four years ago?
It was in my queue. I'm a little behind.
Daddy, is everything okay?
That's not a scary clown is it?
No, babies, it's just a regular clown.
- A clown?
- A clown?
Oh, it's just Papa Rick, hilarious.
Is he's gonna do the hallway song too?
[CLEARS THROAT] No.
Yes, he is. Of course he is.
I'm up here, you can be down here ♪
Just count it off there, Wichita.
All right. One, two, three, four.
[SINGING TOGETHER] Hallway ♪
I'm singing in the hallway ♪
- I'm singing in my hallway ♪
- Nice.
- I could have been in the bed ♪
- In the hallway ♪
I'm saying good night to the ladies ♪
I'm sayin' good night to the ladies ♪
[ALARM BEEPS]
Oh, oh.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Yo, bro, you're not
going to believe what I just
- [GROANS]
- Are you tired?
- You're not?
- No, man, I'm high as hell
on the adrenaline of this
Tami scandal and drugs.
Anyway, check out
this blind item right here.
[CHUCKLES]
"What blond bozo morning host
"who's responsible
for most of WDPAs makeup budget
"is juggling a secret, bitter divorce
"and custody battle
"while gunning to have
their cute and lovable cohost
kicked to the curb?"
Man, this could be anyone.
So you not cute and lovable, fam?
We both know that I am.
All right, then,
so you got to get ready.
I got you a red cap.
- It's a cappuccino.
- Nice.
With three Red Bulls in it. Drink up.
Stay ready so you don't
gotta get ready, a'ight?
- Now, whose house is this?
- It's my house.
- Okay, what time is it?
- Game time.
Let's protect this house!
All right, 4:00 a. m. hour.
How we feeling?
Jacked! Let's get it.
Oh, wow, great. I love the enthusiasm.
Hey, we should add
a fifth hour to the show.
What would the network think
about those revenue streams?
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh.
Anybody ever gone 24 hours straight?
Uh, so let's just nail
the fourth hour first,
and then sky's the limit, right?
Okay. You got it, boss.
- Okay.
- You know, you are so great.
We should probably, like,
go on a road trip
or something like that.
Wouldn't that be cool?
Oh, uh-huh.
All right, so first up
is local councilman
Dustin Berniff
here to discuss zoning policy.
I know, not the most riveting guest,
but we'll get better ones
once we're a hit,
so it's on you
to keep the energy up, okay?
Pfft, you just try to stop me.
I feel like I'm the king of
That's the world of
neighborhood council meetings.
[CHUCKLES]
I mean, the zoning board is locked
in a real power struggle
this year with the selectmen,
so that's something
we gotta look out for.
You know, it's really something else.
One fun thing, there's been a ruling
on a new roundabout in Briarcliff.
Close your eyes
and picture zero congestion
on the 85 on-ramp.
Seriously, close your eyes.
Oh, I don't think I should do that.
I find it much easier to imagine
if you actually close your eyes.
Well, I'm not gonna, so just move on.
Mika, Mik the freak,
Mik Mill, the Mik shall inherit
this high five.
We are not nickname close, Gary.
- Please, don't.
- Okay, cool.
Question.
Does Tami strike you as out for herself?
You know, like a lone wolf type?
Okay, I am very busy, Gary.
I don't have time to go through
what kind of wolves
everyone is with you again.
- Oh.
- Can you see it?
An uncongested on-ramp to 85.
Isn't that glorious?
All right, open your eyes, Keenan.
- [SNORING]
- Kenan?
- Psst, Kenan!
- [SNORING]
I overwhelmed him.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- [KNOCKS]
- Kenan.
That was well, we can edit out
your night terrors.
Well, at least
I didn't have night pleasures.
I'm sorry, Mika. I let you down.
You know how much I hate
letting anybody down.
No, I'm sorry.
I know how much you have on your plate,
so if adding a fourth hour
is too much, just say the word.
'Cause I can just have Tami do it.
Tami?
Yeah, she's been
asking to do a lot more.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, no, no, no.
Yeah, I think I just got off
to a bumpy start.
I can figure this out.
I just need to circumvent
the human body's
most essential requirement.
Oh, you need a sleep hack.
I've been using a great one for years,
and it has quadrupled my productivity.
- It's called micro-mapping.
- Please mean long naps.
- Please mean long naps.
- It's very short naps.
- Yep.
- If you time your REM cycle right,
a series of five-minute naps
throughout the day
can be just as refreshing
as eight hours of sleep.
For real?
Yeah, my uncle who's a physicist did it
so that he could work all day
and still have enough energy
for a second family.
I'm listening.
[JIMMY CLIFF'S "YOU CAN
GET IT IF YOU REALLY WANT"]
[ALARM BEEPS]
[ROCKSTEADY MUSIC]
You can get it if you really want ♪
- Daddy!
- Hey!
- Yeah!
- Mmm, I missed you!
"And they all lived happily ever after."
Mind meld! Come on.
What you got?
- 7.
- 12.
Oh, it's a tie. I love you both.
Good night, night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Daddy has got this.
♪
Rome was not built in a day ♪
Ah, my eyes! What are you doing?
Tami's allergic to sandalwood.
Give me this. Get out of my office, boy!
Mind set on a dream ♪
Wake up, man.
You can get it
though hard it may seem now ♪
- Hey, man, what is this?
- You said you wanted LeBron.
But I meant with the hair unit in.
My bad, dog. I'll go get it.
♪
You know this is unsustainable, right?
At least tell the girls
you can't make their cucumbers
into flowers anymore.
You gotta say no to something,
or you're going to crack.
Actually, it's going great, okay?
And I think I'm done
taking advice from the guy
that scared my girls so bad
they want to get an A-C-A-B tattoo.
You know what that stands for?
All Clowns Are Bastards.
Try it with me.
No, no.
No, thank you. It's my naptime.
Relax, man, everything is under control.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Have a great day at school, sweetie.
Love you, bye.
♪
And as always, I don't care
if you slept at all.
As long as you
[CROWD SHOUTING]
Wake up with Kenan at 4:00!
All right, all right,
this is handsome bunch.
Oh, sir, did you bring
your sex doll with you?
Dope.
Okay, our guest today is
Councilman Dustin Berniff. Again?
- [MOUTHING WORDS]
- Kenan.
I've got some big updates
- on the roundabout.
- Oh, I bet you do.
Yes, all right.
- Well, the story starts in 1974.
- Sure.
"And so the fairy
cursed Sleeping Beauty
to sleep for 100 years."
Sound like the best curse ever.
"Until the Prince arrived
to try to awaken
Sleeping Beauty out of her slumber."
- Princesses are dumb.
- What?
- When did this happen?
- Recess.
Princesses are out. Empowerment is in.
Will you sing us
a song about that, please?
Okay, uh
Title IX ♪
You are so fine ♪
Famous for your place in athletics ♪
[TOGETHER] Yeah, no.
You can make up
for it with the hallway song.
And tomorrow, I'm thinking puppet show.
Can't wait. All right, into bed.
- Good night.
- Good night, Dad.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I love you too.
[DREAMY MUSIC]
- Kenan.
- Kenan.
♪
- Kenan.
- Kenan.
♪
- Kenan.
- Kenan.
- Kenan.
- Kenan.
- Kenan.
- Kenan!
- What's up?
- The sun, silly.
Okay, now, if you are done daydreaming,
are you ready to try
some of Chef Dadiani's
authentic Georgian food?
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah, yes, of course.
But I gotta warn you there, chef,
just because I grew up here all my life,
I don't just get down
with any old Georgian food.
To clarify, when I say Georgian,
I don't mean Atlanta.
I mean the Eastern European country,
- Georgia.
- Is that a real place?
- [MOUTHING] Yes.
- Okay.
Mmm, now that's soup
with some chew to it.
Is that right? Here, let me taste.
That tastes bad.
Oh, I'm sorry, what I meant to say
was that soup tastes real damn bad.
I mean you're probably
a better human than a chef.
- Okay, I'll stop talking.
- Good idea.
But that's what they want.
They want me to be quiet so
they can silence the Black man!
- Oh, okay.
- And Charles Barkley,
how do you your skin so soft?
BRB, y'all! You okay, dude?
It is my mother's recipe.
"Wake Up with Kenan" will return.
- I knew he'd crack.
- [GROANS]
Pay up, losers.
Thank you very much.
So, we're going to go with a clip show
- the rest of the way.
- I know, I'm so sorry.
Sometimes I just get
too overtired to lie.
Your perfume smells
like a palm reader's van.
I'm sorry. It's more like Lilith Fair.
[GASPS] Zipping it up. I can't stop.
Yeah, mm-hmm, I'll take
half of everything you have.
You know I will. I'll take the kids too.
Huh, a bitter divorce
and a custody battle.
Tami, you blond snake.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Darren, you are the reason
why they think
that men can't buy pants
by themselves, all right?
Your pants aren't fitting right, Darren.
- Help me.
- Yeah, you gotta calm down.
- Did you try my micro-naps?
- They didn't work.
I mean, when I could
even get through one
between the girls and Rick
and Gary and the show.
Oh, yeah, I don't really have
a personal life right now.
That's why I sleep so well.
[TOGETHER] Daddy!
Hey, oh, what are you doing here?
- Why are you not in school?
- Yeah, sorry.
They needed help with
their homework before school,
and it turns out I can't do the voices.
Well, I mean, they're my children.
They like when I do voices
with their homework.
You know, you look like hell.
You sure you don't want to
just tell them to suck it up?
"Skier one"
let's just call her Denise
"is going downhill at 50 miles per hour
"and she is like oh, I didn't expect
my anniversary to go this way."
Tami is definitely out to get you.
- What?
- What?
No, I'm not.
Oh, yeah, who does
this sound like to y'all?
"Blond bozo morning host
"who's responsible for most
of WDPA's makeup budget
"is juggling a bitter divorce
and custody battle
"while gunning to kick their lovable
- and cute cohost of the curb."
- That is so not me.
Well, then why did I hear you say
I'll take half of everything
you have and the kids?
Because I was talking to my neighbor
about borrowing flour
when I pick up their kids
for a sleepover.
Flour to make more muffins for the crew.
Why would I betray Kenan?
He's been a mentor to me
ever since he plucked me
out of journalism school.
Well, I don't know if I'd call starting
an ASMR YouTube channel
after getting kicked off
of "Who Wants to Marry a
Millionaire" journalism school,
but we have developed a nice thing.
- Thank you.
- Plus, makeup, juggling, bozo?
That's clearly about "Morning Bubbles."
[CHILDREN SCREAM]
Oh, babies, it's okay.
It's just a poster.
- Oh, now that makes more sense.
- Yeah, obviously Bubbles.
I didn't even think of the damn clown.
Oh, huh, oh?
Pam told me we had
some kids on set today.
[BOTH SCREAM]
Get out of here, you crazy clown!
Why would you come for the children?
My bad. Sorry.
Okay, you know what? That's it.
I am going to start
saying no to everybody,
and I can finally do it because
I'm too tired to be nice.
I got to stop being
so polite and start
Getting real?
Don't tell me the "Real World" tagline.
- Let me remember it on my own.
- My bad.
- What's the "Real World"?
- It's a movie for old people.
It was groundbreaking.
Look, Mika, I can't do 4:00 a. m.
I'm sorry. I just can't.
My work-life balance
is delicate at best, and another hour
is just going to wreck
my time with the girls,
which is gonna require
some major tweaking, by the way.
So no more bedtime routines?
Of course not, baby.
You know I'll do anything for you.
- You're so perfect.
- [COUGHS]
[WHISPERS] Come on,
you already said no once.
Okay, but it does mean
it's going to have to be shorter.
Look, I always prided myself
on being that guy
that everybody could depend on,
but there's a fine line between
people pleaser and pushover.
Excuse me? Did you say pushover?
- Yeah, I don't think the gloating helps.
- Sorry.
But the people pleaser in me did kind of
kick into overdrive this year.
I was trying to take care
of everybody twice as hard
because we lost a hall of famer
taker care-er of-er?
He's sleepy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And if we're all being brutally honest,
me and Bird kind of
took advantage of you
just a tad because, I mean,
- what kid likes going to bed?
- Facts.
We're really sorry. You do you, Daddy.
And if I'm being honest,
I lean on you way too much
for the show, Kenan.
You're just so good.
I mean, not this week,
but that's proof that I need to ease up.
And sorry about dangling Tami
in front of you
to keep you going. I also did that.
Look, the girls are right, Kenan.
- Do you. You deserve it.
- Thank you.
Now, if you excuse me,
I'm about to go paint my windows black
and sleep for four days. Come on, Rick.
You're driving.
Come on, Gary, you're driving.
I'ma go do me too.
Okay hey, so, um,
if that fourth hour
really is up for grabs,
I'd love to throw me old hat in the
I knew it. I knew it.
Okay, guys, chill out, all right?
We're pulling the plug.
Research showed that there's
way fewer people
watching than we thought, so
All right.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Did you just flinch, Gary?
- I was dancing.
And that's why
Stacy Abrams is so dope ♪
All right?
That ends our abridged
bedtime routine, right?
Wait, aren't you forgetting
something, Papa Rick?
- You go to sleep.
- [LAUGHS]
No! [LAUGHS]
- You stay down.
- Go to bed.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
You the man, Rick.
Man, what am I gonna do
with all this time?