Kevin From Work (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Is it just me, or did that speaker use the words "impact" and "impactful" constantly? And if impactful is really a word, it's barely a word.
Sorry that was so boring.
Well, I had a great time.
And there are 735 ceiling tiles in the ballroom.
I only counted 734.
Well, you clearly missed one.
There's one in the corner that you didn't even see.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
- It's easy to miscount.
I understand.
- I know.
Anyway, thank you for coming.
I asked Brock to come, but - Is it the same hotel as last year? - Yeah.
Then I'm there.
They've got those genius birds in the lobby.
Brraaaaak! Babe! It's saying my name! Oh honey, I'm sorry.
They took out the birds.
Oh! I just remembered.
I'm busy.
But he's training for a really big meet, - so - Audrey! Hey! Lauren! Hi! Lauren, this is Kevin.
She's in this group, too.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
Well, I'm gonna head to the bar.
Can I get you anything to drink? - Oh.
I'll take the wine.
Thanks! - Okay.
Oh, you guys! Get together for a picture.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Aww, cute.
I'm gonna post it.
Post away and I will be back with your drink specials.
Like I'm a Wa I'm a waiter.
I'm I'm gonna go.
- He's adorable.
- I know.
I saw you guys during the presentation.
- You're such a cute couple.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, that's not my boyfriend.
That's Kevin from work.
We are just friends.
Great.
Can I go out with him? Sure.
Okay.
Well, we're happy to have you here.
We're gonna have a clutch kind of day.
- So, I'm gonna pick her up at 5:00.
- Okay.
Wait, wait.
You mean like in five, right, Kev? No.
Roxie, it's time to accept that you're working now, okay? We all have to make sacrifices to pay the rent.
Ugh.
Rent.
God, I can't wait to stop working here once I pay it.
Rent needs to be paid every month.
Ugh! I'm sorry, but you know, the days of you being lazy while everything just magically works out for you are over.
Ooh! Look! A $20.
- Wow.
- Are you serious? She's all yours.
I'm so sorry.
- Cool.
- Ow.
He hits me on the back just as hard.
I get it.
Come here.
Let's go.
Come here.
So this is my domain, okay? We call it the "gyum.
" G-Y-U-M.
He's cute.
What's his deal? Huh? Oh, that's Christopher.
Yeah, he's an actor.
He's here every single day.
Dedicated.
That's what you're gonna be.
So he's an actor, but he's here? And he's working out, but he's not working? I could do that.
It's not as easy as it looks.
You can't just be an actor.
Well, you believed that I was actually gonna work here today, so I think that I already am.
Why are you taking your clothes off? Thank you so much.
I don't get it.
Impactfulness is a word.
So is impacted.
Don't ask me how I know that one.
It was just funny.
You had to be there.
Well, I would have been, but nobody invited me.
I was very busy anyway.
I drove my sister to the pharmacy.
We picked out pressure socks.
I feel like a dancer.
Hey! Ooh! Sorry.
So, I had fun last night, hanging out outside of work.
You're not the only one who had fun last night.
So did Lauren.
Who? Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too! She wants to go out with you.
Oh.
Really? Zero pressure.
I mean, I figured you maybe weren't you know, emotionally available just yet.
Who, me? No, I am though.
Emotionally available.
And physically available, for that matter.
But I'm physically available even when I'm not emotionally available, which I am now.
So yes, I will go out with your friend.
Yes.
Happy to.
Proud to.
Yes.
Out we shall go! - Great! - Yeah.
I'll forward you Lauren's contact info.
Good.
Good stuff.
Oh, look.
There she is.
Lauren She's pretty, too.
Just as I remembered.
So, I'm I'm asking out this girl that I'm told I met at a conference.
I figured I can't keep pining over Audrey forever, you know? It's time to show her I moved on, right? Hell yeah.
Good for you.
Show Audrey, "Excuse me, I got things going on you don't even know about.
" - Audrey introduced us.
- Aw, dude.
You've got to do more for your own self.
Maybe I already did help my own self, you know? Maybe she's the perfect girl for me.
- Who knows? - Hi.
Excuse me - Who's that? - Listen, I've gotta go.
- I gotta go.
- Excuse me? - Excuse me? Excuse me? - Yeah? - Hi.
I'm looking for Roxie.
- Hi.
She said she was tricked into working here.
Oh.
She left early today and she's never coming back.
Uh, what? I was supposed to meet her here to hang.
She gave me a free pass.
"Patti's free gym coupon.
Please admit one Patti.
" Yeah, I'll honor this.
Um You want to stay to train? Hmm no.
These people look sweaty, and I don't like sitting on anything wet unless I know where the moisture is coming from.
- Yeah.
- Besides, my dad said that if I want a trainer, he'd pay for one to come to me.
Oh, hey! I I'll come to your house and train you.
- You're Kevin's friend, right? - Yeah.
He and I hit a bit of a rough patch, as you may have heard.
He definitely used "rough" as a word to describe it.
Okay, fine.
Meet me at my place Monday morning, 11:00 sharp.
Wait.
Monday? Don't you work? I do not, sir.
How dare you.
Dude, nice one.
"In-home training session?" More like in-bone training session, right? Ho, yeah.
Forget the exercise.
Get to the sexercise! It's not like that, fellas, no.
She just wants to be trained.
Dude.
Are you kidding me right now? You gotta hit that Just like I did with that woman, Donna, for a solid year at her place.
You remember her? Hot, blond, older, a little fat, kinda bad skin, weird hands, bad breath? - Mmm.
- That's cool.
That's cool.
Um Thank you for the insider tip, guys.
You've never done it before, have you? Slept with an in-home.
- Well, maybe maybe I have.
- Nah.
If he had, he would have made some puns after he said "insider tip.
" Listen, we're your friends, but if you come back from a house call without sealing the deal, our puns will be turned on you.
Yeah? Like, "Uh-oh, here comes the in-house train er wreck.
" - No.
- I wasn't feeling it, either.
I don't know where that came from.
These look so great! This was such a good idea.
I know! Okay, now let's take a picture with the tacos.
- Oh.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Smile, guys! Okay, now let's do one smooshed together with everyone in line.
- Great! - Yeah! Just pretend like you know us! No? Okay.
- Now you.
- Hmm? Oh.
- Oh.
Oh, no, no.
- No? - Not a silly face.
- Not Can you do handsome? - Can I do handsome? - Huh? I mean Crushed it.
I'm so glad Audrey hooked us up.
Audrey who? Ooh.
Fun.
Cute couple alert.
Wow.
Jam-packed date.
We've got the fever, we're hot, we can't be stopped! We've got the fever, we're hot, we can't be stopped! Kill him, Damien! Rip his face off! Shove it down his throat! Geez.
How many things can you do in two days? And the winner Brock Estrada! Hey, babe! Did you see my upward lift escape? Yeah.
That was a good one.
Freakin' regal.
You ready to go to the after-party with your champ? Sure.
I'm so proud of you.
Great! Bozzy and Grinder they wanna do pickle-back shots in their garage.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh! Hey! Wait up, guys! Okay, give it a rest.
Thank you! Oh Sorry, ladies.
You're all super pretty and everything, but I just frickin' nailed it in there.
You got the part? Well, they told me I did a great job, so Later, basics.
Boom.
Sit down, sweetie.
She didn't get it.
They tell everybody that.
I'm just saying, man, be careful with Patti.
She's very vengeful and strong.
I know what I'm doing, Kevin.
All right.
Then just do it.
Maybe I will.
Hey, look, don't, don't pressure me, okay? I get enough of that from the guys at work.
Okay.
Look, I, uh, I gotta hang up.
Lauren asked me to bring a seven-layer salad to this pot-luck murder mystery we're going to, and I still gotta send a photo and one fun fact about myself to the host.
Oh, that's easy, Kev.
You make a great seven-layer salad.
Which is also your fun fact.
- Hmm.
- Okay, I gotta go.
Hey, girl.
Ready to sweat? Yeah.
We're working out, aren't we? We we're working out, girl.
That's why I know you called me over.
To do all kinds of working out.
Ain't that right, girl? Why do you keep calling me "girl?" Don't be that way, girl.
Okay, ew.
You're acting gross.
I hired you to train me and this is not very professional.
Ain't that what you wanted though? For you and I to work out hard? You're fired.
- Get out.
- Okay, hold on Look, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm just doing what they told me to do at work.
Who from work told you to do what, when, and why? Brian poor, sweet, impressionable Brian.
Those guys are making that stuff up.
They're not having sex with their clients.
But they have all those puns to back it up.
Trust me.
They're not.
- Pizza delivery guys.
Extra sausage.
- Nope.
- Pool boys? Un-clog your filter? - No.
Never.
- Massage therapists - Oh, that one's true.
But it is pricier.
Okay, so what do I tell 'em? Tell 'em you want a happy ending.
Hm? No, you little freak nasty.
I'm talking about the guys at the gym.
Mm Let's work on that.
Hey, Kevin.
I saw Lauren's Instagrams.
All of them.
Looks like you've been hanging out a lot.
That's good, right? Oh, yeah.
It's great.
You know, it's the first weekend in forever where I haven't just passed out watching TV on my baby bed.
I mean, my normal, man-sized bed.
Those must be from Brock.
I sewed two championship patches on his black shirt thing.
You Kevin Daily? Yeah.
These are for you.
Oh.
Wow.
Oh! They're from Lauren.
I can't believe she did it.
Uh inside joke.
Uh, Lauren and I were making this social comment on how the man is always supposed to buy the flowers.
I love that she just went for it.
Ooh! Oh, my God.
- From Lauren? - Yeah.
Not safe for work.
- All right.
- Oh.
Oh, by the way, I realized we messed up on the Dreyerson report and should really stay late tonight to fix it.
Sure.
Maybe even work on the weekend, too.
You know, hopefully that doesn't impact your plans with Lauren.
"Impact.
" Whoa.
Am I right? Oh, yeah, joke from the other day.
Funny.
I get it.
You know, who knows what I'm going to miss tonight with Brock.
We have been doing tons of fun stuff together.
Tons.
Eight.
- Whoo! - Uno más.
But we gotta work.
Huge bummer.
I had to basically force Kevin to stay late with me to finish our work.
Like he absolutely has to go to the Santa Monica pier with Lauren to play Skee-Ball and win her a giant Minion? Do I detect a little jealousy? I have Brock.
I'm not jealous of Kevin and Lauren.
I think you're jealous of the fun they're having.
Maybe.
Just Brock and I used to have a blast together.
That's one of the reasons why I fell in love with him.
Now it's like all of our free time is spent at these jiujitsu meets, which are the worst.
I don't know, maybe I am jealous.
Look, if you want to have more fun with Brock, then just make what Brock's doing more fun.
Those pageants where they karate chop each other or whatever.
Other people certainly seem to be having a good time.
Yeah.
And if you can't make a good time out of a bunch of giant, sweaty guys rolling around on a mat, then honestly, we shouldn't even be roommates.
Roxie, what are you doing? Oh! I just did sprawled on the hood.
Now I'm thinking, like, a soapy sponge series.
Who Whose car is this? It's mine.
I bought it.
Yeah.
I'm an actor now on a crime show.
Huh.
Which one? I don't know.
But I'm sure they'll tell me when they call with the good news that I got it.
I had an audition and everything.
Don't you read my tweets? An audition is not a job, okay? You need to take this back.
No, Kevin.
I'm keeping it.
I'm going to get that part because I believe in myself, not settle for some stupid gym job.
Listen, I'm destined for something greater.
A role that I'm not sure about, on a show with a title that I haven't learned yet.
So take a lesson from me.
Don't settle.
I am not settling.
I don't settle.
If I was settling, I wouldn't be about to drive to the City of Commerce right now to see if my zoot suit is ready for an all-day speakeasy crawl with a pretty girl, would I? Hector, give me wind! Too much wind, Hector! God.
- That's them.
- Obvi.
Follow my lea My dad's a lawyer.
Brian, thank you so much for the in-home training and for respecting my boundaries and keeping it completely professional.
I knew he wouldn't be able to seal the deal.
Seal what deal, Brian? Well, Patti, when these guys in-home train a client You mean in-bone train.
Oh, yeah! All aboard that train! Oh, I see what you're implying.
And you guys do this with all of your female clients? All the ones who just want to do one sit up at the end.
Oh! Got 'em! Brian, could you please have Ms.
Thompson - approach the weight bench? - Mm-hmm.
That's him.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
I'm sure.
That's the man who never slept with me.
I knew you never did it.
What? Shut up, dude.
You never did it! You guys are sentenced to 30 minutes on the dread-mill.
Ooh! I just did a pun.
Please don't undercut everything I've done here.
Okay.
You know? Is anybody sitting there? Just my beer.
Now it's free.
Thanks.
I'm I'm Audrey.
I know who you are, Audrey.
Your Brock beat my Damien in the Quarter Final Semis in Sylmar.
Knocked out five of his teeth.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- You're sorry? Why? It was frickin' hilarious! Oh, you're laughing Good.
This is my crew.
We've got Trisha, Tasha, Krystal with a "K," and Crystal Light 'cause she's much skinnier than Fat Crystal who we just call Crys.
We're the Jiujitsu girls.
Or the JJs.
When our men are winning, we're the Victorious JJs.
The VJJs.
Wow.
Okay.
That's that's Damien, get your head in the game! Domesticate him! Audrey.
Thank you.
Get it, Audrey! That was the best underground cigar club in a waffle house jazz brunch I've ever been to.
- On to the next place! - Okay On to a bait shack in San Pedro for soft cheese and champagne tasting.
- 40 minutes away.
- Yay.
Current traffic two hours and six minutes.
Hm.
You know what? Why don't we just go to like, a nice little diner or something? We can just sit and talk and hang out.
I feel like we just haven't gotten to know each other yet.
Yeah.
That sounds nice.
Let's make a Snap story about it! You say, "Diner," I say, "Boring.
" - Diner.
- Boring! - Diner.
- Boring! - Diner.
- Boring! Finish it.
Yes! Yes! Whoo! This is so much fun.
I wish I met you guys many, many, many meets ago.
Oh, yeah.
Same here.
Except I wouldn't have been here.
I had a little Orange is the New Black situation.
Oh, I'm sure you didn't even do that.
Let's yell that chant again where we need body parts and stomp on them! - Diner.
- Boring! - Diner.
- Boring! Whoa.
Who are those little lovebirds? Who cares? Whoo! Brock, kick him in the nuts! Oh no, honey.
She's just gonna sing the national anthem.
And I'll text you, and I'll text you, and I'm gonna text you, and you! I will never forget you.
BFFFFs for life.
Am I right, girl? So right.
You're so right.
Hey, babe.
Babe, you did it! The champion of all of this stuff you did! I am so proud of you.
Oh, babe.
Did you have more or less than three beers? - Yes.
- You'll want to be careful with her.
She ate her entire body weight in nachos.
Hey, I'm gonna take this and take off.
Hey, Damien! All right.
I gotcha.
Gonna get you home and go to sleepy.
I am smiling! Oh.
Hey, dude.
Somebody had a crazy night last night.
Started following Lauren on Snapchat.
Actually, you know I'm not sure how much longer I can keep hanging out with Lauren.
I mean, she's nice and everything, but she just documents fun things.
I mean, we never actually experience them.
Hey, you gotta save those pictures for a rainy day, bro.
I feel like there's somebody out there who's better for me, you know? - I can't settle.
- Mm.
Whoa.
I think my sister had a point.
What am I talking about? She's crazy.
She thinks she's on a TV show.
Stupid girl.
I am on a TV show.
- What? - Yeah.
Annapolis".
No frickin' way.
Yes frickin' way.
I'm Master Chief Petty Officer Dominique Dufresne, a smoking hot computer genius for the whole entire Navy on the planet.
Well, that explains the outfit I think.
Yeah.
They let me wear it home.
I'm going to go to a bar and have people buy me drinks and thank me for my service.
I salute you.
Oh, thank you! You boys don't wait up, okay? Wanna go to the bar? Brian, that's my sister.
- Hello? - Hey.
It's Audrey.
I know we were going to come in today to finish up Dreyerson, but it's Sunday.
We can wait until tomorrow, right? Okay.
Sure.
Are you sure? Yeah, I had way too much fun last night, and I'm paying for it.
So have a good day with Lauren.
Tell her I said hi.
Actually, I kind of I called things off with Lauren.
Oh.
Really? It looked like you were having so much fun together.
Yeah, but ultimately, there was just no special spark between us, you know? You have to have that, right? Yeah.
You have to have that.
See you Monday, Kevin.