Killing It (2022) s01e03 Episode Script
Dominine
1
Nessa, I know it's my week,
but I need you to stay with Mom
while I get some things
worked out at my apartment.
What kind of things? I got kicked out.
Dad Don't worry.
I got it handled.
I actually found a pretty fucking great situation.
[VOCALLY IMITATES DRUMROLL.]
I'm living in a 24-hour gym.
It doesn't sound great.
You gotta hear the sales pitch.
There's hot showers, clean bathroom, swimming pool, hot tub, clean towels on demand uh, fancy shampoo, flat screens everywhere [COINS JINGLING LOUDLY.]
Cable, free Wi-Fi I mean, come on, Nessa.
This gym even has a gym.
Daddy gonna get swole.
Aw, no, my lucky quarter.
The best part is, it's $55 a month.
That's, like, $800 less I was paying in rent.
It's just too bad I can't have you here staying with me.
Come to papa.
As long as you're good.
I'm thriving.
This is an upgrade.
Anyway, I gotta go.
I love you, Dad.
- I love you too, sweetie.
- Bye.
I found it! Congratulations, Arthur.
Can you find some fucking drawers, please? [PERCUSSIVE DRUM BEATS.]
♪ Living in a gym sounds awesome.
Except they only gave me one locker.
I don't have anywhere to put my shit.
Take this as an opportunity to scale back.
It's quite liberating.
When I started sleeping in the billboard car, I was like, "How will I ever survive "without my books "and my TV and my pots and pans and my mum's wedding dress?" which was the only thing I had that reminded me of a time when my parents were both still alive and I was just, you know happy.
The point is, you really only need one pan.
I still don't know how you live in a billboard.
Like, where do you go to shower? I go to my stepmom's place in Hialeah.
But she's very mean, so I have to sneak in when she goes out to the bar, which means I can shower pretty much every night Most afternoons too.
She's a drunk.
Whatever.
So you have a wicked stepmother? Oh, I have the whole Cinderella package: dead dad, evil stepmom, two evil stepsisters except they're not ugly.
They're actually gorgeous, and they're dogs.
And yet they're evil? Ugh, that doesn't even begin to describe it.
They are so mean to me.
They're just jealous because I can come and go as I please.
You just said you have to sneak in to take a shower.
Yes, but I can open the door with my hand, and that's what I mean.
It's getting late.
Should we call it a night, try again tomorrow? Oh, about that.
I can't tomorrow.
I have tickets to Dominine Con.
What's Dominine Con? It's all these speakers that get together to teach you how to get better at business.
They don't just teach you how to domin-ate.
They teach you how to domi-nine.
Oh, I love that.
That sounds like something Mark Wahlberg would say.
He spoke at the last convention.
Well, he didn't really speak.
He did a pre-taped chant.
But it's still pretty cool though.
Anyway, I hate to bail on you, but Rita Gaines is coming, and I paid for a gold-tier wristband, which means I get to pitch to her one on one! I'ma see if she'll invest in a saw palmetto farm.
Oh my God.
This is amazing! So you're sure you don't mind? Of course not.
This is why it's good to be in a team.
One of can go into the city to meet their hero, while the other one trudges through the swamp.
Seems like you mind a little bit.
I really don't.
I love to trudge.
[RUSTLING SOUND.]
[BLUEGRASS MUSIC.]
♪ [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
What? You never seen a customer covered in snake blood before? Okay, tough guy.
Stop flirtin' with Paula.
- Is it Paula? - No.
Hmm, that's interesting.
I'm usually pretty good at spottin' a Paula.
I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, coffee, milkshake Coffee and a milkshake, not a coffee milkshake.
Thank you, Paula.
Sorry, not-Paula.
Here you go Here's Dad's old suit.
I don't know why you want this ashy thing.
You're not actually gonna wear this, are you? I have to.
Mine got bit up by a snake, and I'm going to Dominine tomorrow.
Oh yeah Dominine.
I looked that shit up online I know.
I know.
You think everything of mine is stupid.
That's not true.
I like Vanessa and Camille.
[SNAPS FINGER.]
You had that one hat I loved.
- The blue Kangol.
- But also, Dominine Despite its dumb fucking name, it sounds interesting.
- I might check it out.
- For real? Cause every time I talk to you about business stuff, you roll your eyes.
Because you broke.
Nobody wants to take financial advice from a man who has to borrow his dead dad's suit.
But that Dominine guy Rodney whatever He's got, like, three jets, and DJ Khaled played his ten-year-old's birthday party.
Two songs.
I can fuck with that guy.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- Tickets are mad expensive.
- Already got mine, plus something called "The Power Broker's Parking Pass.
" No shit? That's the best parking pass.
They got permission to paint over the handicap signs.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh man.
I'm so glad you want to do this with me.
[WHISPERS.]
Dominine.
You learned the secret hand gesture Mm-hmm.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
♪ Profit gangster.
"Can't talk busy balling.
" I like that.
Dominine tees.
Only 65 each.
$65? [SCOFFS.]
He's paying a light bill.
♪ Craig Foster.
Ready to dominine.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, sir.
Looks like you're Gold Tier.
Here's your pass.
It's non-transferrable.
Don't lose it and your wristband.
Now I just need a credit card.
Credit card? I paid online.
- I did early bird.
- Yes, I saw that.
I just need an additional $39.
99 for the lanyard.
But the tickets were already $400, plus $200 for the Gold Tier.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were poor.
Hey, Brenda, where are the free lanyards for losers? That's cool, Brenda! That's cool.
I got it.
♪ Attention real players and big ballers: the convention will start shortly.
Time is money, so get in those seats.
♪ Oh.
[CHEERING.]
[HEAVY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Warning.
Warning.
Warning.
The following presentation may cause seizures, abnormal growth of your bank account - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah.
For hundreds of years, those who survived the battlefield did so by dominating.
But now, to dominate is not enough.
This just in: Rodney Lamonca's money-making strategies are too explosive.
A coalition of naysayers and little bitches has formed to stop it.
I want him dead! [BOOING.]
It's intense, huh? Hey man, if you can get people this excited about spending 600 bucks, you're doing something right.
Because Dominine Con is about to begin in three two one nine.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Come on, get up! Come on! Let's go! Let me hear you! What? What'd you say? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I got a question: who here is wet for a payday? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What? I said, who here is wet for a payday? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
My dear, he's dripping wet.
You're soaking.
Let me feel them panties.
Let me feel them panties.
Look at that oh it's wet! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh, shit.
[LAUGHS.]
Are y'all ready? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Throw me some nines, huh? Throw me those nines.
Get 'em up high! Hey, hey, hey, shut the fuck up.
All right.
We gotta keep the show moving.
That's like my mama used to say She used to say, "Rodney, you gotta share the stage.
You gotta share.
" That bitch was poor.
[LAUGHTER.]
Okay? She was a teacher.
[BOOING.]
And she never wanted to be anything better than that.
So we don't have to listen to that bitch, do we? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Right.
I'ma bring out the first speaker tonight.
This woman is a trailblazer.
She's one of the most incredible female entrepreneurs I've ever been around.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh, and by the way, she's a fucking knockout.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right.
Let's bring her to the stage My wife, Katrina Lamonca! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I read online that we should get in line for workshops now.
They fill up fast.
All right.
How amazing is my husband? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
This one looks good: "Tech Start-Ups and the Culture of Creation.
" Yeah, but that takes up all morning.
I gotta get in line for Rita in an hour.
Plus, what do you care about tech start-ups? Look, I didn't wanna say nothin' 'cause I thought you'd be a dick, but I'm startin' an app.
- What? - Just forget about it, - all right? - I thought you never wanted - to have a job.
- I never wanted to have a boss.
Plus, I like my life, and I don't wanna end up dead or in jail, so I'm playing out a few options.
Holy shit.
This is huge.
What's the app? Do you have funding? You know I've always believed in you.
My little brother done good.
Don't even start that shit.
Fuck you.
See you after.
Zay.
Don't you dare say it.
- I'm proud of you.
- You dick.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
♪ God damn it.
♪ Come on in.
Workshop starts in ten.
Sir, you have a pass? Yeah.
What the fuck happened to my lanyard? Clasp probably broke.
Bet it's on the ground here somewhere.
- It's been happening a lot.
- I paid $39 for this.
Should've gone for the $60 version.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
He'd better not.
Zay.
What the fuck? Where'd you get those? Remember my buddy Nick? He does janitorial work here now, and they do not do background checks.
He let me steal some stuff from the prep suite.
I ain't mad at this T-shirt.
Hey, are you the Gold Tier guy? Who's asking? A loser, or somebody with a huge dick that knows what he wants? - Huge dick.
- Then it's $350.
They're sold out downstairs.
I'm so glad I found you.
Thank you for your business.
And good luck layin' waste to them haters.
So this is what you came here for? You're not really makin' an app? Fuck no, I'm not making a app.
What app would I make? Every app already exists.
I was so proud of you.
Well, you should be even more proud of me, man.
I made 2,800 in, like, ten minutes.
It's fraud! You rippin' people off.
Rippin' people off is what Dominine is all about.
$40 lanyards $65 T-shirts.
We paid to steal a handicapped parking space.
They have to make money to put together a good experience.
A good experience when all the speakers are all related? Not Rita Gaines.
I am so fucking stupid.
I actually believed you were here 'cause you wanted to be here with me.
I'm sorry man, but it's just too good of an opportunity to pass up.
The kind of people that come to these things are morons just beggin' to get scammed.
Fuck you.
- You know what Rita says? - Rita "You gotta lose the dead weight "if you wanna soar.
You gotta trim the fat.
" Am I the fat in this scenario? I'm done with you, Zay.
I'm trimming your ass.
Trim, trim.
That's not as cool as you think it is! Trim, trim, motherfucka.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
♪ Hi.
I'm Prada Lamonca.
I'm sure you all know my dad? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I know what you're thinking.
"Prada, you're ten years old.
Shouldn't you be in school?" No.
I quit.
Why would I want to learn from someone who makes $40,000 in an entire year? [BOOING.]
"But Prada, teachers have good benefits.
" Guess what.
Health care is not a benefit.
You know what is a benefit? Confidence.
Let me show you.
I need a volunteer.
You, sir.
- Me? - He's all, "Me?" Yes, you.
Get up here.
[APPLAUSE.]
Do you know why I picked this man? I picked him 'cause he is the hottest man in this entire room.
[APPLAUSE.]
Do you think you're hot, sir? I guess.
Don't do that.
You just went from an eight to a five.
Hotness is all about confidence.
Own your shit.
ALL: Own your shit.
Who in this room is hotter than you? This guy.
Is this guy hotter than you? - What? - No, he's not.
What's not hot about him? Oh, you were doing so well.
Come on.
Tell everybody why this guy's not hot.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Is it his body? Is it his face? I think it's his face.
His face is weird, and it's not hot at all.
Hey, where do you think you're going? My friend's having an emergency.
I'm sorry.
I gotta go.
Wow.
See that? You owned your shit, and you bullied him into leaving.
That's what I'm talking about, people! [APPLAUSE.]
Get out of here, loser! What is it? You okay? Yeah.
I wanted to show you - that I just killed a snake.
- Damn, big fella.
Why didn't you just text me a photo? And why are you dressed so nice? Oh, this old thing? I got dirty in the swamp, so I had to change.
Seriously.
Okay, fine.
I wanted to come to Dominine.
It's just been a long time since I've thought of myself as anything other than an Uber driver.
I thought maybe if I came along, I could learn some stuff.
So I put on my best dress, which I wore to prom, and also to my dad's funeral, and I came right down here.
If I had known, I would've invited you.
But tickets are like $400.
- Oh, wow.
- Sorry.
No, it's fine.
It's always good to have an opportunity to be put in your place.
That way, you remember where you stand in the world, and I am not a business lady.
I'm a swamp thing.
You're not a swamp thing, Jillian G.
Have some confidence.
Own your shit.
I wish I could, but there's no way of getting in here.
Yes, there is.
Fuck! [LAUGHS.]
What up, Trim Trim? Don't call me Trim Trim.
What's this favor you need from me? Do you have any extra passes? Fuck yeah, I got extra passes.
- Whatever you need.
- Let me get one.
But I need you to admit that I was right.
This conference is a scam, and you're a dumbass for attending.
Hi.
I'm Jillian, by the way Craig's snake friend.
No, I'm owning my shit.
I'm Jillian.
I'm a business lady.
Your bag is leaking blood.
Thank you.
That's valuable feedback.
I'll adjust accordingly.
And if you don't give her a pass right now, I'ma tell Dominine what you're up to and get you thrown out of here.
- Say I won't.
- You won't.
- Security! - [LAUGHS.]
Oh okay.
Okay.
Never mind.
Shit.
I gotta get in line for Rita.
Look, the pass gets you in everywhere.
Check stuff out.
Have fun.
Maybe find a spot to stash the blood bag.
Copy that, partner.
Damn it.
- Are you nervous for Rita? - Nah.
I got this down: 20 seconds to chit-chat, three-minute pitch, a minute and a half of questions, walk away with ten to spare.
Always leave 'em wanting more.
But you know we're not getting five minutes.
They cut us down to 60 seconds.
What? No, no, no.
It's five minutes.
I checked the website this morning.
I guess more people showed than they thought.
Sold too many gold wristbands somehow.
What do you mean you're out of gold wristbands? It's the last bag.
Well, what else you got? I don't know Got tees.
Lanyards.
I got a bunch of stuff leftover from the renewable energy trade show last week.
Renewable energy ♪ But isn't Platinum Tier the best? Nope.
Emerald Tier is the highest level Higher than Platinum.
Then why isn't it listed on the website? 'Cause then the media would find out.
You know how Rodney feels about the haters in the media.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, they're useless.
They don't create anything.
How much? A thousand.
Fuck it.
Let's do this.
♪ What does this slogan mean? "Go green.
" Oh, that's just Rodney's private, personal mantra.
Green as in money.
Go get that money! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, fuck yeah! - Go green, baby! - Go green! [CHUCKLING.]
Successful people are always doing five things at once.
We don't just multitask.
We omnitask.
Right now, I'm talking to all of you, sure, but I'm also approving galleys for my new book.
Oh, nope.
These need work.
Yes, ma'am.
How do we cut through, though? How do we do it? [DOOR RATTLING.]
How do we grab someone's attention and hold it? [DOOR RATTLING.]
Sorry.
Oh, sorry.
You already started.
I was pushing, but it was a pull door.
[WHISPERING.]
Sorry.
Sorry.
So sorry.
Okay.
Sorry.
I'll just go over here.
Sorry.
[NORMAL PITCH.]
It's all right.
Business lady, so Half of you have air horns.
Half of you don't.
If you don't have an air horn, I want you to walk up to somebody who does, and I want you to tell them who you are and what you do.
But I don't want small talk.
I want large talk.
What do I want? ALL: Large talk.
What the fuck do I want? - ALL: Large talk.
- Fucking large talk! If you do have an air horn, the second that person starts to bore you, I want you to blow it in their face.
It's not rude.
It's feedback, and all of you need it.
Here we go! Hello! I'm Jillian.
I'm okay, large talk.
My business partner and I are trying to start a saw palmetto farm What's up? I'm Jillian.
Did you know that prostate reduction is a million doll Hey fucker! I'm Jillian.
I'm a stone-cold bitch, and I wanna make a billion dollars by shrinking men's [GROANS.]
I'm Jillian.
I'm a tech investor Stock market person.
Rich widow? Advertising.
I'm a major player in the world of advertising Nice.
Oh, hi.
I'm Jillian, by the way.
I'm a stone-cold bitch.
Hi.
I'm Nate.
I'm in advertising too.
That's why I didn't blow the horn in your face.
Also, it seems needlessly cruel.
Produce for 2.
30 a unit.
It's on wholesale for 9.
99.
I just need an investment to help build it - Time's up.
- Great job, Alvin.
I love your energy.
The idea's not for me, but you're gonna do fine.
- Next.
- [SIGHS.]
Clock starts now.
[SIGHS.]
[TIMER DINGS.]
Hi, I'm Rita.
Hi.
Craig Foster.
Oh, so nice to meet you, Craig Foster.
What do you have for me today? It's 4:00 a.
m.
in Miami.
I'm wide awake.
Why? I have to pee, again, and large prosta I love your tie.
Thank you.
It was my father's.
Oh, that is so sweet, and you know what? The reason that I mentioned the tie is because I have a summer cottage that I'm redecorating, and I painted the entry hall that exact color.
- Oh wow.
- I know, and everybody told me, "Rita, you're wrong about this one.
It's gonna be too dark.
" But guess what.
- It's perfect.
- Speaking of perfect, - saw palmetto berries - You know what? Let me see this here.
I want to show you a picture.
Okay? 'Cause it really is that exact color.
- Saw palmetto berries are - Wait till you see this.
- I believe you.
- You have to see this, though, because really, it's so great in the hall, and Now wait a minute.
Where is it? - Hold on.
- Time's up.
- Oh - But Wait, I didn't show him the entry hall.
We really have to move along, Rita.
- But - Great job, Craig.
And I love your energy, - [STAMMERS.]
- Next! So then I moved to the Zales campaign, and it's just the same shit.
But my daddy owns the agency, and I'm sort of being groomed to take over, so it's like, what choice do I have? Which is why I came here, and see if I wanted to pivot, and I realize now I have been talking for so long.
I am so sorry.
God! If I still had one of those little blowhorns, I'd blow it right in my goddamn face.
I actually stole one, if you'd like.
I thought it would be helpful for scaring bats out of my fixed basement.
So tell me about you.
Like, what kind of advertising do you do? I'm in billboards.
Oh, cool.
What, like in Miami? It's mobile billboards, the kind people tow behind their cars.
Oh.
Is that lucrative, or? I own a fleet of them.
Oh, wow.
So yeah, you're doing great.
Mm-hmm.
If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing here? You know, 'cause this whole thing It's not really for people who who've have made it.
Oh, well, I'm actually looking to raise money, financial capital, to expand.
I was hoping you would say that.
Uh, there's this guy.
He's speaking, and I know him through my dad, and he invests in advertising platforms, so maybe you wanna sit down with him get a drink? Professionally.
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Of course.
No, no, no.
I'm not trying to set you up with him.
I'm trying to set you up with me, if that was unclear.
Ah, this could have been way smoother.
I thought it was really smooth.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
♪ Rita.
Oh, sorry restricted event.
Is this the private meet and greet? I'm supposed to have access.
I'm Gold Tier.
No, that private meet and greet was at 1:00 p.
m.
This is the private jam session.
They're different.
It's Platinum Tier only.
[LAUGHING.]
Can I just say hi to Rita real quick? Platinum Tier only.
[LAUGHS.]
One Platinum Tier wristband will be $400.
Now, could I also interest you in Just take my fucking card.
Rodney is so driven, it's frightening.
I'm not kidding.
I'm actually scared to be in the room alone with him.
How cool is that, right? Our flip-flops were the first ever bejeweled footwear - endorsed by UFC.
- Oh, okay.
Hey, Craig with the great tie.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I am so sorry about earlier.
That was just awful of me, wasting all your time talking about my cottage.
So what was your pitch again? Something about saw palmetto berries You remembered! Yeah.
Okay, well like I was saying, these berries can actually shrink Hey bro.
I wanna talk to Rita now.
Okay, well, we're in the middle of something.
Too bad.
I'm Platinum.
Yeah, you're Platinum.
- I'm Emerald.
- Emerald? This gives me priority.
- I'm the priority.
- I'm also Emerald Tier.
I am also priority.
The security guard said this was Platinum.
Emerald Tier is the most elite level.
You are not in Rodney's inner circle.
- Rita - If these folks purchased Emerald Tier, then, you know, it's only fair that I jam with them.
- I'm sorry.
- Can we do it after? But I have my big speech, so I have to get to the green room.
But I can have my assistant give you an email address.
Give it up, man.
You shouldn't even be here.
Go green! Go green! ALL: Go green! I'm kind of an advertising disruptor in the viral space, so billboard cars aren't really my thing.
But Nate says I have to meet you, and Nate's daddy's pretty important, so Here I stand.
What'chu got? Um, well, I have my fleet, and I'm looking to expand.
I need financial capital.
A'ight.
What's your overhead? How much you pay your drivers? Oh, I pay them very little, not even enough to cover gas.
See? What'd I tell you? She's a boss.
I can't believe you can even find anyone to take that job.
Well, there are other perks.
They can set their own hours.
They can do other jobs as they drive.
I think some of them even sleep in the billboards.
What? That is nasty.
Where do they even shower? I can't even imagine.
I guess they must just take a whore's bath.
A whore's bath? Yeah, you know, when someone takes a wet washcloth to their pits and private parts.
So you're kind of like a slumlord.
Oh, she's not a slumlord.
I mean, there's just a lot of losers out there, and she's smart.
Sorry, I'm sure not everyone that works for you is, like, a loser.
Yes, they are.
They're desperate losers.
You'd be so grossed out if you met them.
See, that's a mistake.
Never meet those people.
Yeah, those people Um, I'll actually be right back.
I have a shit-ton of phone calls to take.
Hell yeah, hustla.
Do your thang! Zay! Zay! Zay.
Come on.
We're leaving.
- Wait, what? - You were right.
This conference is a scam.
I'm dumb for attending.
What the fuck happened to you? I didn't get to pitch to Rita.
I'm never gonna get to pitch to Rita.
I wasted $1,000.
Plus 40 for that lanyard.
Plus 40 for the fucking lanyard.
Wait, hold up.
Hold up.
Your boy Zay is formulatin' a plan.
Where's Rita at right now? Green room.
Speakers only.
Restricted access.
I mean restricted for some people.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Teachers give me big bridesmaid energy.
They're just not stars.
You know what I mean? - Rita.
- Craig.
Sorry to barge in on you like this, but I thought I could pitch you my business now.
- You can't be in here.
- I just need three minutes.
This is for featured speakers only.
Security! Rita, please Do you know where I was when I woke up this morning? - Excuse me! - It's okay.
A 24-hour gym, because that's my home now.
I have no car.
I work at a swamp.
I can't use my left hand because I nailed a python to it.
That's my job, by the way.
I get bit by snakes for a living.
I'm not investing in this pitch.
It's sad and boring, and for that reason, I'm out.
I'm not pitching, Prada Lamonca! I'm just trying to explain, I don't have much right now, and yet I still spent $1,000 for the privilege to come to this.
$1,000 to stand in front of you.
$1,000 matters to me.
The least you can do is listen.
♪ Maybe I'm not the only one who needs to hear this.
What? So the teleprompter is all loaded up with the talk that I was gonna give today.
But I don't wanna give that talk anymore, because I met someone, and I just have to share his story with all of you.
Craig! Come on out here.
[APPLAUSE.]
You.
Come on out here.
Help me bring him out to the stage, y'all.
Come on, Craig.
[CHEERING.]
Come on and see your people! Look out into the crowd.
Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is Craig Foster.
Do you know what he told me backstage? Every day, he gets up and hunts pythons in the Everglades.
[APPLAUSE.]
That's right.
He faces danger.
He stares down death all to make his American dream come true.
I learned firsthand just how relentless he is.
Nothing can stop this man.
Now, if all of you had the same fire burning inside you that Craig does, I'd be speaking to an empty room today, because everybody in here would already be a millionaire.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
That's right.
So come on, and let's give it up for Craig.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh, it's your day now.
ALL CHANT: Craig! Craig! Craig! I like it! I like it! [CHANT CONTINUES.]
That was incredible.
I'm still vibratin'.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you so much.
Oh no.
Thank you.
- And you were great up there.
- [GIGGLES.]
Um, can I get that email from you so we could set a time to follow up? I never got to actually pitch my idea.
Oh, you know what? About that I totally forgot.
I'm already invested in the nighttime urination space.
It's a wearable device that collects pee while you sleep, so Think smart diaper 2.
0.
It'd be a conflict of interest for me to invest with you.
- Oh.
- But hey! We're competitors now.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's pretty cool, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, you know what? Craig, I want you to know how inspiring it was to hear about your struggle.
Never stop struggling, okay? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ Promise me.
You'll never stop struggling.
♪ Never stop struggling? ♪ [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
♪ - Got your texts.
- Oh, yeah.
I just wanted to let you know I'm leaving.
Tough day, Cinderella? Yeah, you know, it wasn't what I thought it would be.
Guess I learnt a lot.
Guess I learned a lot too.
- Mind giving me a ride home? - Of course.
Did you have a hundred air horns blown in your face? Because that happened to me.
At least you got in free.
I paid $1,000 for a ten-year-old girl - to insult my face and body.
- What? You have a very nice face and body.
I wasn't saying that so you'd compliment me, but boy, I needed to hear that.
Hey, yo Nick! [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
Hey Isaiah Foster? - Oh, hey.
- Yeah, that's him.
[SAUL WILLIAMS' "LIST OF DEMANDS (REPARATIONS)" PLAYS.]
What the fuck? You get off No, no, no, no! Fuck you! Great work, guys.
Throw me some fucking nines.
I want my money back ♪ I'm down here drowning in your fat ♪ You got me on my knees ♪ Praying for everything you lack ♪ I ain't afraid of you ♪ I'm just a victim of your fear ♪ You cower in your tower praying that I disappear ♪ I got another plan ♪ One that requires me to stand ♪ On the stage or in the streets ♪ Don't need no microphone or beat ♪ And if you hear this song ♪ if you ain't dead, then sing along ♪ Bang and strum to this here drums ♪ Till you get where you belong ♪ I got a list of demands ♪ Written on the palm of my hands ♪ I ball my fist, and you're gonna know ♪ Where I stand we livin' hand to mouth ♪ You wanna be somebody ♪ See somebody try to free somebody ♪ Got a list of demands ♪ Written on the palm of my hands ♪ I ball my fist, and you're gonna know Where I stand ♪ We livin' hand to mouth ♪ Hand to mouth ♪ I wrote a song for you today ♪ While I was sitting in my room ♪ I jumped up on my bed today ♪ And played it on a broom ♪ I didn't think that it would be a song ♪ That you would hear ♪ But when I played it in my head ♪ I made you reappear ♪ I wrote a video for it ♪ And I acted out each part ♪ And then I took a picture out ♪ And taped it to my heart ♪ I taped you to my heart, dear girl ♪ I taped you to my heart ♪ And if you pull away from me ♪ You'll tear my life apart ♪ I got a list of demands ♪ Written on the palm of my hands ♪ I ball my fist, and you're gonna know where I stand ♪ We livin' hand to mouth ♪ Hand to mouth ♪ ♪
What kind of things? I got kicked out.
Dad Don't worry.
I got it handled.
I actually found a pretty fucking great situation.
[VOCALLY IMITATES DRUMROLL.]
I'm living in a 24-hour gym.
It doesn't sound great.
You gotta hear the sales pitch.
There's hot showers, clean bathroom, swimming pool, hot tub, clean towels on demand uh, fancy shampoo, flat screens everywhere [COINS JINGLING LOUDLY.]
Cable, free Wi-Fi I mean, come on, Nessa.
This gym even has a gym.
Daddy gonna get swole.
Aw, no, my lucky quarter.
The best part is, it's $55 a month.
That's, like, $800 less I was paying in rent.
It's just too bad I can't have you here staying with me.
Come to papa.
As long as you're good.
I'm thriving.
This is an upgrade.
Anyway, I gotta go.
I love you, Dad.
- I love you too, sweetie.
- Bye.
I found it! Congratulations, Arthur.
Can you find some fucking drawers, please? [PERCUSSIVE DRUM BEATS.]
♪ Living in a gym sounds awesome.
Except they only gave me one locker.
I don't have anywhere to put my shit.
Take this as an opportunity to scale back.
It's quite liberating.
When I started sleeping in the billboard car, I was like, "How will I ever survive "without my books "and my TV and my pots and pans and my mum's wedding dress?" which was the only thing I had that reminded me of a time when my parents were both still alive and I was just, you know happy.
The point is, you really only need one pan.
I still don't know how you live in a billboard.
Like, where do you go to shower? I go to my stepmom's place in Hialeah.
But she's very mean, so I have to sneak in when she goes out to the bar, which means I can shower pretty much every night Most afternoons too.
She's a drunk.
Whatever.
So you have a wicked stepmother? Oh, I have the whole Cinderella package: dead dad, evil stepmom, two evil stepsisters except they're not ugly.
They're actually gorgeous, and they're dogs.
And yet they're evil? Ugh, that doesn't even begin to describe it.
They are so mean to me.
They're just jealous because I can come and go as I please.
You just said you have to sneak in to take a shower.
Yes, but I can open the door with my hand, and that's what I mean.
It's getting late.
Should we call it a night, try again tomorrow? Oh, about that.
I can't tomorrow.
I have tickets to Dominine Con.
What's Dominine Con? It's all these speakers that get together to teach you how to get better at business.
They don't just teach you how to domin-ate.
They teach you how to domi-nine.
Oh, I love that.
That sounds like something Mark Wahlberg would say.
He spoke at the last convention.
Well, he didn't really speak.
He did a pre-taped chant.
But it's still pretty cool though.
Anyway, I hate to bail on you, but Rita Gaines is coming, and I paid for a gold-tier wristband, which means I get to pitch to her one on one! I'ma see if she'll invest in a saw palmetto farm.
Oh my God.
This is amazing! So you're sure you don't mind? Of course not.
This is why it's good to be in a team.
One of can go into the city to meet their hero, while the other one trudges through the swamp.
Seems like you mind a little bit.
I really don't.
I love to trudge.
[RUSTLING SOUND.]
[BLUEGRASS MUSIC.]
♪ [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
What? You never seen a customer covered in snake blood before? Okay, tough guy.
Stop flirtin' with Paula.
- Is it Paula? - No.
Hmm, that's interesting.
I'm usually pretty good at spottin' a Paula.
I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, coffee, milkshake Coffee and a milkshake, not a coffee milkshake.
Thank you, Paula.
Sorry, not-Paula.
Here you go Here's Dad's old suit.
I don't know why you want this ashy thing.
You're not actually gonna wear this, are you? I have to.
Mine got bit up by a snake, and I'm going to Dominine tomorrow.
Oh yeah Dominine.
I looked that shit up online I know.
I know.
You think everything of mine is stupid.
That's not true.
I like Vanessa and Camille.
[SNAPS FINGER.]
You had that one hat I loved.
- The blue Kangol.
- But also, Dominine Despite its dumb fucking name, it sounds interesting.
- I might check it out.
- For real? Cause every time I talk to you about business stuff, you roll your eyes.
Because you broke.
Nobody wants to take financial advice from a man who has to borrow his dead dad's suit.
But that Dominine guy Rodney whatever He's got, like, three jets, and DJ Khaled played his ten-year-old's birthday party.
Two songs.
I can fuck with that guy.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- Tickets are mad expensive.
- Already got mine, plus something called "The Power Broker's Parking Pass.
" No shit? That's the best parking pass.
They got permission to paint over the handicap signs.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh man.
I'm so glad you want to do this with me.
[WHISPERS.]
Dominine.
You learned the secret hand gesture Mm-hmm.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
♪ Profit gangster.
"Can't talk busy balling.
" I like that.
Dominine tees.
Only 65 each.
$65? [SCOFFS.]
He's paying a light bill.
♪ Craig Foster.
Ready to dominine.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, sir.
Looks like you're Gold Tier.
Here's your pass.
It's non-transferrable.
Don't lose it and your wristband.
Now I just need a credit card.
Credit card? I paid online.
- I did early bird.
- Yes, I saw that.
I just need an additional $39.
99 for the lanyard.
But the tickets were already $400, plus $200 for the Gold Tier.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were poor.
Hey, Brenda, where are the free lanyards for losers? That's cool, Brenda! That's cool.
I got it.
♪ Attention real players and big ballers: the convention will start shortly.
Time is money, so get in those seats.
♪ Oh.
[CHEERING.]
[HEAVY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Warning.
Warning.
Warning.
The following presentation may cause seizures, abnormal growth of your bank account - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah.
For hundreds of years, those who survived the battlefield did so by dominating.
But now, to dominate is not enough.
This just in: Rodney Lamonca's money-making strategies are too explosive.
A coalition of naysayers and little bitches has formed to stop it.
I want him dead! [BOOING.]
It's intense, huh? Hey man, if you can get people this excited about spending 600 bucks, you're doing something right.
Because Dominine Con is about to begin in three two one nine.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Come on, get up! Come on! Let's go! Let me hear you! What? What'd you say? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I got a question: who here is wet for a payday? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What? I said, who here is wet for a payday? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
My dear, he's dripping wet.
You're soaking.
Let me feel them panties.
Let me feel them panties.
Look at that oh it's wet! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh, shit.
[LAUGHS.]
Are y'all ready? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Throw me some nines, huh? Throw me those nines.
Get 'em up high! Hey, hey, hey, shut the fuck up.
All right.
We gotta keep the show moving.
That's like my mama used to say She used to say, "Rodney, you gotta share the stage.
You gotta share.
" That bitch was poor.
[LAUGHTER.]
Okay? She was a teacher.
[BOOING.]
And she never wanted to be anything better than that.
So we don't have to listen to that bitch, do we? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Right.
I'ma bring out the first speaker tonight.
This woman is a trailblazer.
She's one of the most incredible female entrepreneurs I've ever been around.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh, and by the way, she's a fucking knockout.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
All right.
Let's bring her to the stage My wife, Katrina Lamonca! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I read online that we should get in line for workshops now.
They fill up fast.
All right.
How amazing is my husband? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
This one looks good: "Tech Start-Ups and the Culture of Creation.
" Yeah, but that takes up all morning.
I gotta get in line for Rita in an hour.
Plus, what do you care about tech start-ups? Look, I didn't wanna say nothin' 'cause I thought you'd be a dick, but I'm startin' an app.
- What? - Just forget about it, - all right? - I thought you never wanted - to have a job.
- I never wanted to have a boss.
Plus, I like my life, and I don't wanna end up dead or in jail, so I'm playing out a few options.
Holy shit.
This is huge.
What's the app? Do you have funding? You know I've always believed in you.
My little brother done good.
Don't even start that shit.
Fuck you.
See you after.
Zay.
Don't you dare say it.
- I'm proud of you.
- You dick.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
♪ God damn it.
♪ Come on in.
Workshop starts in ten.
Sir, you have a pass? Yeah.
What the fuck happened to my lanyard? Clasp probably broke.
Bet it's on the ground here somewhere.
- It's been happening a lot.
- I paid $39 for this.
Should've gone for the $60 version.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
He'd better not.
Zay.
What the fuck? Where'd you get those? Remember my buddy Nick? He does janitorial work here now, and they do not do background checks.
He let me steal some stuff from the prep suite.
I ain't mad at this T-shirt.
Hey, are you the Gold Tier guy? Who's asking? A loser, or somebody with a huge dick that knows what he wants? - Huge dick.
- Then it's $350.
They're sold out downstairs.
I'm so glad I found you.
Thank you for your business.
And good luck layin' waste to them haters.
So this is what you came here for? You're not really makin' an app? Fuck no, I'm not making a app.
What app would I make? Every app already exists.
I was so proud of you.
Well, you should be even more proud of me, man.
I made 2,800 in, like, ten minutes.
It's fraud! You rippin' people off.
Rippin' people off is what Dominine is all about.
$40 lanyards $65 T-shirts.
We paid to steal a handicapped parking space.
They have to make money to put together a good experience.
A good experience when all the speakers are all related? Not Rita Gaines.
I am so fucking stupid.
I actually believed you were here 'cause you wanted to be here with me.
I'm sorry man, but it's just too good of an opportunity to pass up.
The kind of people that come to these things are morons just beggin' to get scammed.
Fuck you.
- You know what Rita says? - Rita "You gotta lose the dead weight "if you wanna soar.
You gotta trim the fat.
" Am I the fat in this scenario? I'm done with you, Zay.
I'm trimming your ass.
Trim, trim.
That's not as cool as you think it is! Trim, trim, motherfucka.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
♪ Hi.
I'm Prada Lamonca.
I'm sure you all know my dad? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I know what you're thinking.
"Prada, you're ten years old.
Shouldn't you be in school?" No.
I quit.
Why would I want to learn from someone who makes $40,000 in an entire year? [BOOING.]
"But Prada, teachers have good benefits.
" Guess what.
Health care is not a benefit.
You know what is a benefit? Confidence.
Let me show you.
I need a volunteer.
You, sir.
- Me? - He's all, "Me?" Yes, you.
Get up here.
[APPLAUSE.]
Do you know why I picked this man? I picked him 'cause he is the hottest man in this entire room.
[APPLAUSE.]
Do you think you're hot, sir? I guess.
Don't do that.
You just went from an eight to a five.
Hotness is all about confidence.
Own your shit.
ALL: Own your shit.
Who in this room is hotter than you? This guy.
Is this guy hotter than you? - What? - No, he's not.
What's not hot about him? Oh, you were doing so well.
Come on.
Tell everybody why this guy's not hot.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Is it his body? Is it his face? I think it's his face.
His face is weird, and it's not hot at all.
Hey, where do you think you're going? My friend's having an emergency.
I'm sorry.
I gotta go.
Wow.
See that? You owned your shit, and you bullied him into leaving.
That's what I'm talking about, people! [APPLAUSE.]
Get out of here, loser! What is it? You okay? Yeah.
I wanted to show you - that I just killed a snake.
- Damn, big fella.
Why didn't you just text me a photo? And why are you dressed so nice? Oh, this old thing? I got dirty in the swamp, so I had to change.
Seriously.
Okay, fine.
I wanted to come to Dominine.
It's just been a long time since I've thought of myself as anything other than an Uber driver.
I thought maybe if I came along, I could learn some stuff.
So I put on my best dress, which I wore to prom, and also to my dad's funeral, and I came right down here.
If I had known, I would've invited you.
But tickets are like $400.
- Oh, wow.
- Sorry.
No, it's fine.
It's always good to have an opportunity to be put in your place.
That way, you remember where you stand in the world, and I am not a business lady.
I'm a swamp thing.
You're not a swamp thing, Jillian G.
Have some confidence.
Own your shit.
I wish I could, but there's no way of getting in here.
Yes, there is.
Fuck! [LAUGHS.]
What up, Trim Trim? Don't call me Trim Trim.
What's this favor you need from me? Do you have any extra passes? Fuck yeah, I got extra passes.
- Whatever you need.
- Let me get one.
But I need you to admit that I was right.
This conference is a scam, and you're a dumbass for attending.
Hi.
I'm Jillian, by the way Craig's snake friend.
No, I'm owning my shit.
I'm Jillian.
I'm a business lady.
Your bag is leaking blood.
Thank you.
That's valuable feedback.
I'll adjust accordingly.
And if you don't give her a pass right now, I'ma tell Dominine what you're up to and get you thrown out of here.
- Say I won't.
- You won't.
- Security! - [LAUGHS.]
Oh okay.
Okay.
Never mind.
Shit.
I gotta get in line for Rita.
Look, the pass gets you in everywhere.
Check stuff out.
Have fun.
Maybe find a spot to stash the blood bag.
Copy that, partner.
Damn it.
- Are you nervous for Rita? - Nah.
I got this down: 20 seconds to chit-chat, three-minute pitch, a minute and a half of questions, walk away with ten to spare.
Always leave 'em wanting more.
But you know we're not getting five minutes.
They cut us down to 60 seconds.
What? No, no, no.
It's five minutes.
I checked the website this morning.
I guess more people showed than they thought.
Sold too many gold wristbands somehow.
What do you mean you're out of gold wristbands? It's the last bag.
Well, what else you got? I don't know Got tees.
Lanyards.
I got a bunch of stuff leftover from the renewable energy trade show last week.
Renewable energy ♪ But isn't Platinum Tier the best? Nope.
Emerald Tier is the highest level Higher than Platinum.
Then why isn't it listed on the website? 'Cause then the media would find out.
You know how Rodney feels about the haters in the media.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, they're useless.
They don't create anything.
How much? A thousand.
Fuck it.
Let's do this.
♪ What does this slogan mean? "Go green.
" Oh, that's just Rodney's private, personal mantra.
Green as in money.
Go get that money! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, fuck yeah! - Go green, baby! - Go green! [CHUCKLING.]
Successful people are always doing five things at once.
We don't just multitask.
We omnitask.
Right now, I'm talking to all of you, sure, but I'm also approving galleys for my new book.
Oh, nope.
These need work.
Yes, ma'am.
How do we cut through, though? How do we do it? [DOOR RATTLING.]
How do we grab someone's attention and hold it? [DOOR RATTLING.]
Sorry.
Oh, sorry.
You already started.
I was pushing, but it was a pull door.
[WHISPERING.]
Sorry.
Sorry.
So sorry.
Okay.
Sorry.
I'll just go over here.
Sorry.
[NORMAL PITCH.]
It's all right.
Business lady, so Half of you have air horns.
Half of you don't.
If you don't have an air horn, I want you to walk up to somebody who does, and I want you to tell them who you are and what you do.
But I don't want small talk.
I want large talk.
What do I want? ALL: Large talk.
What the fuck do I want? - ALL: Large talk.
- Fucking large talk! If you do have an air horn, the second that person starts to bore you, I want you to blow it in their face.
It's not rude.
It's feedback, and all of you need it.
Here we go! Hello! I'm Jillian.
I'm okay, large talk.
My business partner and I are trying to start a saw palmetto farm What's up? I'm Jillian.
Did you know that prostate reduction is a million doll Hey fucker! I'm Jillian.
I'm a stone-cold bitch, and I wanna make a billion dollars by shrinking men's [GROANS.]
I'm Jillian.
I'm a tech investor Stock market person.
Rich widow? Advertising.
I'm a major player in the world of advertising Nice.
Oh, hi.
I'm Jillian, by the way.
I'm a stone-cold bitch.
Hi.
I'm Nate.
I'm in advertising too.
That's why I didn't blow the horn in your face.
Also, it seems needlessly cruel.
Produce for 2.
30 a unit.
It's on wholesale for 9.
99.
I just need an investment to help build it - Time's up.
- Great job, Alvin.
I love your energy.
The idea's not for me, but you're gonna do fine.
- Next.
- [SIGHS.]
Clock starts now.
[SIGHS.]
[TIMER DINGS.]
Hi, I'm Rita.
Hi.
Craig Foster.
Oh, so nice to meet you, Craig Foster.
What do you have for me today? It's 4:00 a.
m.
in Miami.
I'm wide awake.
Why? I have to pee, again, and large prosta I love your tie.
Thank you.
It was my father's.
Oh, that is so sweet, and you know what? The reason that I mentioned the tie is because I have a summer cottage that I'm redecorating, and I painted the entry hall that exact color.
- Oh wow.
- I know, and everybody told me, "Rita, you're wrong about this one.
It's gonna be too dark.
" But guess what.
- It's perfect.
- Speaking of perfect, - saw palmetto berries - You know what? Let me see this here.
I want to show you a picture.
Okay? 'Cause it really is that exact color.
- Saw palmetto berries are - Wait till you see this.
- I believe you.
- You have to see this, though, because really, it's so great in the hall, and Now wait a minute.
Where is it? - Hold on.
- Time's up.
- Oh - But Wait, I didn't show him the entry hall.
We really have to move along, Rita.
- But - Great job, Craig.
And I love your energy, - [STAMMERS.]
- Next! So then I moved to the Zales campaign, and it's just the same shit.
But my daddy owns the agency, and I'm sort of being groomed to take over, so it's like, what choice do I have? Which is why I came here, and see if I wanted to pivot, and I realize now I have been talking for so long.
I am so sorry.
God! If I still had one of those little blowhorns, I'd blow it right in my goddamn face.
I actually stole one, if you'd like.
I thought it would be helpful for scaring bats out of my fixed basement.
So tell me about you.
Like, what kind of advertising do you do? I'm in billboards.
Oh, cool.
What, like in Miami? It's mobile billboards, the kind people tow behind their cars.
Oh.
Is that lucrative, or? I own a fleet of them.
Oh, wow.
So yeah, you're doing great.
Mm-hmm.
If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing here? You know, 'cause this whole thing It's not really for people who who've have made it.
Oh, well, I'm actually looking to raise money, financial capital, to expand.
I was hoping you would say that.
Uh, there's this guy.
He's speaking, and I know him through my dad, and he invests in advertising platforms, so maybe you wanna sit down with him get a drink? Professionally.
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Of course.
No, no, no.
I'm not trying to set you up with him.
I'm trying to set you up with me, if that was unclear.
Ah, this could have been way smoother.
I thought it was really smooth.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
♪ Rita.
Oh, sorry restricted event.
Is this the private meet and greet? I'm supposed to have access.
I'm Gold Tier.
No, that private meet and greet was at 1:00 p.
m.
This is the private jam session.
They're different.
It's Platinum Tier only.
[LAUGHING.]
Can I just say hi to Rita real quick? Platinum Tier only.
[LAUGHS.]
One Platinum Tier wristband will be $400.
Now, could I also interest you in Just take my fucking card.
Rodney is so driven, it's frightening.
I'm not kidding.
I'm actually scared to be in the room alone with him.
How cool is that, right? Our flip-flops were the first ever bejeweled footwear - endorsed by UFC.
- Oh, okay.
Hey, Craig with the great tie.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I am so sorry about earlier.
That was just awful of me, wasting all your time talking about my cottage.
So what was your pitch again? Something about saw palmetto berries You remembered! Yeah.
Okay, well like I was saying, these berries can actually shrink Hey bro.
I wanna talk to Rita now.
Okay, well, we're in the middle of something.
Too bad.
I'm Platinum.
Yeah, you're Platinum.
- I'm Emerald.
- Emerald? This gives me priority.
- I'm the priority.
- I'm also Emerald Tier.
I am also priority.
The security guard said this was Platinum.
Emerald Tier is the most elite level.
You are not in Rodney's inner circle.
- Rita - If these folks purchased Emerald Tier, then, you know, it's only fair that I jam with them.
- I'm sorry.
- Can we do it after? But I have my big speech, so I have to get to the green room.
But I can have my assistant give you an email address.
Give it up, man.
You shouldn't even be here.
Go green! Go green! ALL: Go green! I'm kind of an advertising disruptor in the viral space, so billboard cars aren't really my thing.
But Nate says I have to meet you, and Nate's daddy's pretty important, so Here I stand.
What'chu got? Um, well, I have my fleet, and I'm looking to expand.
I need financial capital.
A'ight.
What's your overhead? How much you pay your drivers? Oh, I pay them very little, not even enough to cover gas.
See? What'd I tell you? She's a boss.
I can't believe you can even find anyone to take that job.
Well, there are other perks.
They can set their own hours.
They can do other jobs as they drive.
I think some of them even sleep in the billboards.
What? That is nasty.
Where do they even shower? I can't even imagine.
I guess they must just take a whore's bath.
A whore's bath? Yeah, you know, when someone takes a wet washcloth to their pits and private parts.
So you're kind of like a slumlord.
Oh, she's not a slumlord.
I mean, there's just a lot of losers out there, and she's smart.
Sorry, I'm sure not everyone that works for you is, like, a loser.
Yes, they are.
They're desperate losers.
You'd be so grossed out if you met them.
See, that's a mistake.
Never meet those people.
Yeah, those people Um, I'll actually be right back.
I have a shit-ton of phone calls to take.
Hell yeah, hustla.
Do your thang! Zay! Zay! Zay.
Come on.
We're leaving.
- Wait, what? - You were right.
This conference is a scam.
I'm dumb for attending.
What the fuck happened to you? I didn't get to pitch to Rita.
I'm never gonna get to pitch to Rita.
I wasted $1,000.
Plus 40 for that lanyard.
Plus 40 for the fucking lanyard.
Wait, hold up.
Hold up.
Your boy Zay is formulatin' a plan.
Where's Rita at right now? Green room.
Speakers only.
Restricted access.
I mean restricted for some people.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Teachers give me big bridesmaid energy.
They're just not stars.
You know what I mean? - Rita.
- Craig.
Sorry to barge in on you like this, but I thought I could pitch you my business now.
- You can't be in here.
- I just need three minutes.
This is for featured speakers only.
Security! Rita, please Do you know where I was when I woke up this morning? - Excuse me! - It's okay.
A 24-hour gym, because that's my home now.
I have no car.
I work at a swamp.
I can't use my left hand because I nailed a python to it.
That's my job, by the way.
I get bit by snakes for a living.
I'm not investing in this pitch.
It's sad and boring, and for that reason, I'm out.
I'm not pitching, Prada Lamonca! I'm just trying to explain, I don't have much right now, and yet I still spent $1,000 for the privilege to come to this.
$1,000 to stand in front of you.
$1,000 matters to me.
The least you can do is listen.
♪ Maybe I'm not the only one who needs to hear this.
What? So the teleprompter is all loaded up with the talk that I was gonna give today.
But I don't wanna give that talk anymore, because I met someone, and I just have to share his story with all of you.
Craig! Come on out here.
[APPLAUSE.]
You.
Come on out here.
Help me bring him out to the stage, y'all.
Come on, Craig.
[CHEERING.]
Come on and see your people! Look out into the crowd.
Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is Craig Foster.
Do you know what he told me backstage? Every day, he gets up and hunts pythons in the Everglades.
[APPLAUSE.]
That's right.
He faces danger.
He stares down death all to make his American dream come true.
I learned firsthand just how relentless he is.
Nothing can stop this man.
Now, if all of you had the same fire burning inside you that Craig does, I'd be speaking to an empty room today, because everybody in here would already be a millionaire.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
That's right.
So come on, and let's give it up for Craig.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh, it's your day now.
ALL CHANT: Craig! Craig! Craig! I like it! I like it! [CHANT CONTINUES.]
That was incredible.
I'm still vibratin'.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you so much.
Oh no.
Thank you.
- And you were great up there.
- [GIGGLES.]
Um, can I get that email from you so we could set a time to follow up? I never got to actually pitch my idea.
Oh, you know what? About that I totally forgot.
I'm already invested in the nighttime urination space.
It's a wearable device that collects pee while you sleep, so Think smart diaper 2.
0.
It'd be a conflict of interest for me to invest with you.
- Oh.
- But hey! We're competitors now.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's pretty cool, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, you know what? Craig, I want you to know how inspiring it was to hear about your struggle.
Never stop struggling, okay? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ Promise me.
You'll never stop struggling.
♪ Never stop struggling? ♪ [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
♪ - Got your texts.
- Oh, yeah.
I just wanted to let you know I'm leaving.
Tough day, Cinderella? Yeah, you know, it wasn't what I thought it would be.
Guess I learnt a lot.
Guess I learned a lot too.
- Mind giving me a ride home? - Of course.
Did you have a hundred air horns blown in your face? Because that happened to me.
At least you got in free.
I paid $1,000 for a ten-year-old girl - to insult my face and body.
- What? You have a very nice face and body.
I wasn't saying that so you'd compliment me, but boy, I needed to hear that.
Hey, yo Nick! [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
Hey Isaiah Foster? - Oh, hey.
- Yeah, that's him.
[SAUL WILLIAMS' "LIST OF DEMANDS (REPARATIONS)" PLAYS.]
What the fuck? You get off No, no, no, no! Fuck you! Great work, guys.
Throw me some fucking nines.
I want my money back ♪ I'm down here drowning in your fat ♪ You got me on my knees ♪ Praying for everything you lack ♪ I ain't afraid of you ♪ I'm just a victim of your fear ♪ You cower in your tower praying that I disappear ♪ I got another plan ♪ One that requires me to stand ♪ On the stage or in the streets ♪ Don't need no microphone or beat ♪ And if you hear this song ♪ if you ain't dead, then sing along ♪ Bang and strum to this here drums ♪ Till you get where you belong ♪ I got a list of demands ♪ Written on the palm of my hands ♪ I ball my fist, and you're gonna know ♪ Where I stand we livin' hand to mouth ♪ You wanna be somebody ♪ See somebody try to free somebody ♪ Got a list of demands ♪ Written on the palm of my hands ♪ I ball my fist, and you're gonna know Where I stand ♪ We livin' hand to mouth ♪ Hand to mouth ♪ I wrote a song for you today ♪ While I was sitting in my room ♪ I jumped up on my bed today ♪ And played it on a broom ♪ I didn't think that it would be a song ♪ That you would hear ♪ But when I played it in my head ♪ I made you reappear ♪ I wrote a video for it ♪ And I acted out each part ♪ And then I took a picture out ♪ And taped it to my heart ♪ I taped you to my heart, dear girl ♪ I taped you to my heart ♪ And if you pull away from me ♪ You'll tear my life apart ♪ I got a list of demands ♪ Written on the palm of my hands ♪ I ball my fist, and you're gonna know where I stand ♪ We livin' hand to mouth ♪ Hand to mouth ♪ ♪