Kirstie (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

Kirstie is taped before a live studio audience.
Fire! Fire! - I got it! - Not the alarm.
The oven! Right! I'm sorry.
Ever since I played the Scarecrow in high school, I'm terrified of fire.
And scarecrows.
And high school Here's something else for you to be afraid of.
- Oh, jeez.
- Oh! What did you do? I was trying to make a birthday cake for Arlo.
A cake? You don't know how to make ice cubes! Well, don't they come with the refrigerator? Don't worry.
I've got it covered.
What do you think? I think that this is the first birthday that I'm spending with my son, and if you think I'm gonna give him a store-bought cake, you don't know Madison Banks.
Oh! Sink cake.
I don't care how long it takes or many people have to die.
I am giving my son a cake made by his mother.
Oh, my God! Why did you people let me ruin it? Frank, stop eating it.
Oh We have to glue this together.
God! His birthday's gonna be a disaster! No, it isn't, because Who knows you better than anyone? Ice and cakes? My God, this refrigerator is amazing! Season 1, Episode 3 "Arlo's Birthday" Arlo just texted, and he'll be home any minute.
- Hey, hey, hey! - Surprise! - Happy Birthday.
- Hey, hey.
Wow! I can't believe that you remembered.
Of course, we remembered.
And look, look, look.
I got you a present for every year of your life.
Happy 19th birthday, Arlo.
- You know I'm turning 27.
- Not when she's turning 39.
All right.
It's gift opening time.
Sit down.
All right.
I'm gonna give you I'm gonna give you this one, because I know you'll love it.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Let's see here.
- Uh, a purse? - No, not a purse.
It's a man's action bag.
For the man on the go.
Where's he going, to a gay rodeo? Maddie, thank you.
I love it.
It's great.
It's kind of like carrying a flat football.
Oh, don't open another one yet.
I have a surprise for you.
I've wanted to give you this since you were a little boy, but I never had a chance, so Here goes! Thelma, please tell me you see that too.
Where's the birthday boy? Hey, little fella.
"Honk, honk.
" Hey, you don't look anything like the ad.
And just for the record, you're not honking anything.
My ex-wife got the horn in the divorce.
Which is ironic, 'cause she was never horny.
"Honk.
" For my first trick, who would like to pull a banana from my pants? But you better be of age.
I'm not going back to the slammer.
Oh, boy.
Where do you folks like to throw up? Right out here.
Is it me? 'Cause I thought he was great.
Wow.
Thank you.
That Was not what I was expecting.
All right, Arlo.
To make up for that, let's see your birthday cake.
Oh, look at this.
Yeah.
Oh, this leather is so supple.
- Would you stop mauling that thing? - Oh, I can't help it.
The smell of a fresh man bag resting against your chin.
Here's your favorite - Strawberry layer cake! - Oh! Oh, no.
I'm actually allergic to strawberries.
How did I not know that? Probably didn't come up during those seven hours you spent raising him.
Look, the thought was enough.
Thank you, Maddie, so much for all of this.
The man bag, the drunk clown, the deadly cake.
It's all really more than any 27-year-old could wish for.
Thank you.
- It's 19.
- Right.
So listen, I'm I'm really sorry.
I didn't know you were gonna do all this, and I've actually made plans with some of my friends, so Plans? Can't you just blow them off? I mean, you haven't opened your gifts yet, and the party's just starting around here.
We're gonna gather around the piano, and I've got my Cole Porter songbook.
Oh, look at the time They're all waiting for me, so I should probably get Look, you'd probably hate it.
The bar's really loud, you can't even talk - But if you really want to - Yes, thank you.
We'd love to come.
I'm really sorry, Arlo.
Your mother does not understand the "empty gesture.
" No.
Please.
Come.
You see? He wants us to join him.
Let's join him.
He sounds like a hostage reading a ransom note.
Will you stop it? I think I know my son.
Oh, wait, honey, don't forget your action bag.
Look out, ladies.
There he is.
Argo in the house! - Argo.
- Argo! Argo? I've been calling him "Arlo" for a month.
All right.
Guys, this is Maddie, my birth mom.
Yes, Madison Banks.
Yes, that Madison Banks.
But for tonight, let's all just pretend like we're equals.
Wow.
I see what you mean about her.
Yeah.
And this is Thelma and Frank.
- Hi, guys.
- You can call me Frank.
All right, everybody.
Who's drunk enough to get this karaoke night started? Karaoke? You didn't tell me there was karaoke! Yeah.
It's the best thing to come out of Japan since Hello Kitty.
I hate karaoke.
Well, that's about to change.
Sign us up.
I'll get drinks.
Okay.
But if I get sloppy drunk and start hittin' on young guys Let me.
So, um How long have you guys known Arlo? Oh, we practically grew up at his house.
Oh, so then you know his adoptive mother? Oh, yeah.
Everybody loved Lorraine.
We all wanted her to be our mom.
Remember she used to make the most amazing homemade birthday cakes? - Yeah.
- So she said.
Actually, Maddie threw me a really great birthday today.
Yeah.
Show 'em your action bag.
- No, no.
They don't need to - Oh, show 'em your bag.
Nice.
Is that where you keep your tampons? You guys see the man bag? It's got a separate pocket for his rape whistle.
That's right.
It also has room for his diaphragm.
What? I thought we were all giving each other the business.
All right.
Get liquored up, especially you, 'cause we're three songs away.
- You didn't get yourself a drink, Frank? - Aw, no, no.
I never mix booze and weed.
I'm a chauffeur, not an airline pilot.
So how do you like his friends? They couldn't shut up about how perfect his adoptive mother was.
I mean, I can't even find a way to bond with him.
It's like we have nothing in common.
Hmm.
Well, I've seen you both tear into a bag of kettle corn pretty good.
Okay, first up, we got a birthday boy.
Arlo Barth! Oh! - What did you guys do? - Get up there! Oh, Arlo, honey.
So you're gonna go sing? I have to.
They signed me up.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
He's gonna humiliate himself.
Everyone, everybody, look, it's his birthday, so don't laugh.
He's had a really hard life.
He'll die if he eats a strawberry.
Wow.
When he sings, it's It's like music.
- Yes! - Wow, he is really good.
Of course, he's really good.
He came from inside me.
There've been a lot of guys inside you, but they can't hold a note that long.
You were amazing, really You know, Arlo, I still am speechless.
I mean, your voice You never told me you were good at anything.
Thank you very much, but it's just karaoke.
What you have is a gift.
You should do something with this.
You could be a star.
- Are you serious? - This is a career.
- Why is this so important to you? - Because you have talent.
And it's the first thing we have in common.
Before I heard you sing, it was like we were from two different planets.
It took karaoke to make you feel like we're related? I know.
Isn't it wonderful? I know so many people in the music business.
No.
I don't want to be in show business.
If this wasn't a public place, I'd turn you over my knee.
You could change your life with this voice.
Thelma, Frank, tell him.
You could change your - I like my life the way it is.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Do you know what some people would do for a chance to be famous? I don't know.
Maybe give up their kid for a part in a play.
You know who else gave up his only son? God.
And you don't see people giving him crap for it, do you? You're comparing yourself to God? Only in the sense that we're both public figures who made questionable parenting choices! What? I Look, about last night, let's just make an agreement.
That this is the second to the last time I'm ever gonna bring this up.
Now, after you've cut your demo tape Okay, fair enough.
You're right.
We've just started to get to know each other, and no one likes to be pushed.
We're good, Maddie.
Let's just move on.
Could you just give me a second chance with the birthday celebration? We'll just do something easy, you know? Like go out for a cup of coffee.
Okay.
As long as a clown car doesn't pick us up, I'm in.
Oh, then let me make a call.
Just kidding.
A recording studio.
You've got to be kidding me.
You said we were going for coffee.
On my mother's life, there was a Starbuck's here two weeks ago.
And I assume you two are in on this as well.
We're merely sheep.
They just wanted to be here to support you In your shining moment.
You're not listening to me, Maddie.
I got to take a walk.
- Arlo, why - All right, I'll go after him.
Oh, Led Zeppelin.
I drove for them once.
Or they drove me.
I don't know.
Got there somehow.
Wasn't my spaceship.
Oh, my God.
You know, this mothering thing is so hard.
- It's hard for everybody.
- It wasn't for you.
Oh, Maddie.
Look, I'm gonna tell you something I never told anybody, not even my husband.
When Fiona was four, we were at Macy's - And I lost her.
- You? But you're the most anal, controlling, officious little dictator in the world.
Oh, I really appreciate you saying that.
But, yes, even me.
So I was holding her hand, and I let go for one second to find a half-size larger shoe - And she was gone.
- Oh, my God.
What kind of shoe? Maddie, it's a 20-second story.
- Stay with me.
- Okay, okay.
The point is, I found her ten minutes later, but during those ten minutes, my life stopped.
I thought I was the worst mother in the world.
Oh, God.
You know what? I felt that way the whole month.
And it's not gonna stop for the rest of your life.
Welcome to parenting.
Come on, Arlo.
She set this whole thing up.
It's one song.
It'll mean a lot to her.
I just don't know how to deal with her.
Is she always like this? You mean deceptive, manipulative, entitled? - Selfish.
- Hey! Watch it there, mister.
That's your mother you're talkin' about.
You know, when I was searching for her, I just assumed that she'd be a different kind of mother, you know? More like A mother.
Arlo, that woman is a carnival ride.
And not one of those fancy ones.
No, we're talkin' rusty bolts, and an operator on meth.
But, man, if you hold on, you will have a ride of your life.
Or die.
I'm so sorry, Lucas.
It looks like Arlo isn't going to Not be awesome.
Let's do this.
Yes! He was a little nervous, but I gave him a shot of vitamin Frank.
Arlo, this is my wonderful and talented friend, Lucas Kogen.
- Nice to meet you.
Arlo Barth.
- Okay.
That's the first thing we need to change.
And this is my driver, Frank.
Yeah, we know each other, "Lucas Kogen".
- I don't think so.
- New Year's Eve, 2002.
The woods behind Billy Joel's place Bloody mitten? Oh, wait.
That wasn't you.
Frank Baxter.
Nice to meet you.
Okay, you wanna give a shot? I'd love to hear this voice.
No problem.
I just happen to have brought it.
- That's all you need? - Yeah, he's good.
Good? He's amazing, isn't he? He's like a young Susan Boyle.
So do you want to sign him today, or do you want me to get him some press? Slow down, Maddie.
You know, I was thinking, after he cuts his album, that I should get him a publicist, right? - Right, right.
- And sort of create a buzz.
You know, maybe do a publicity stunt.
Like, maybe he could go to an award show and punch John Mayer in the throat.
Maddie, I'm sorry to have to tell you this.
The kid's got a voice, but that's it.
He's not a star.
Well, how can you say that? You know that thing that makes you a star? He ain't got it.
If you don't believe me, ask somebody else.
They'll tell you the same thing.
Tell Arlo I enjoyed meeting him.
And my two cents Even if he's not in the business Change that name.
- I can't believe it.
- I'm so sorry, Maddie.
I know how much you were counting on this.
I just don't know how to break it to him.
Oh, you were right, Thelma.
This parenting thing is a bitch.
You want me to have a little talk with Lucas? There's an empty grave behind Billy Joel's house that I may or may not know about.
Hey, where'd you go? Thelma and Frank said you just took off.
Mmm.
I just couldn't face you.
They told me what Lucas said.
I'm really sorry.
- I know how badly you wanted this.
- Well, didn't you want it too? To be honest, I was only doing it because I knew how much it meant to you.
And Frank scares me a little.
Hey, we don't need a record deal to prove that we're connected.
I'm your son.
So you actually feel like we belong to each other now? Well, let's not get carried away.
We just met.
You have no idea how special I wanted this birthday to be.
No, I get it.
It's the first time you get to acknowledge my birthday.
No, it's not the first time, Arlo.
Your birthday has always been the toughest day of my year.
- It was? - Yeah.
You know, I went into labor with you while I was watching Crocodile Dundee.
And every year on the 24th, I lock myself in my bedroom, and I watch that God-awful movie, and I pray that you are happy and healthy.
You know, you're not gonna believe this, but I hate that movie too.
Seriously? No, I loved it.
I had the hat and everything.
But hey, we can always start a new birthday tradition.
And what would that be? Happy Birthday, Arlo.