Koala Man (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

MAXWELL:
Every now and again,
the memories come flooding back
to the day I changed the world.
- Father, have you heard any news
of the Titanic's maiden voyage?
"The unsinkable ship" they call it!
I sure hope it arrives safely in America.
- Extry, extry!
The Titanic has sunk!
1,500 dead in freak accident!
All those innocent people!
If only there was something
we could have done to save them.
If not for the Red Hot Rule, we could
The Red Hot Rule?
- Maxwell, did you know
that being in Australia,
we're actually 15 hours
ahead of the USA?
You mean, we're in the future?
- Yes. Right now, in the Atlantic,
the Titanic has yet to sink.
In fact, if you were to call and warn 'em,
they'd probably have about
five minutes to prepare.
But we Australians have sworn
to never interfere with the flow of time.
Violating the Red Hot Rule
is our greatest crime.
Do you understand, Maxwell?
[door closes]
Maxwell!
Nooo!
- Sir! It's a telegram
from the Australian future!
It says: "G'day mate. Stop.
"Cobba, ya ship's about to crash. Stop.
You have five minutes, I reckon.
Stop."
- Crash? Why would we crash
in the next five minutes?
We've already noticed
that iceberg over there.
What could possibly put us
in such unexpected danger?
I don't know, sir.
But maybe we should hold off
on opening this cursed sarcophagus?
Ah. Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Take it back down to cargo,
and send Australia our thanks
for changing history, will you?
- Father! I did it! I saved--
Oh! Father?
FATHER:
Take him away, Time Bobbies.
I have no son.
PRESENT-DAY MAXWELL:
I should have listened to my father.
How was I supposed to know about
her?
old-time music playing ♪
Hello, everybody ♪
I have come
to take you back with me ♪
To a land of liberty ♪
MAXWELL: She joined the army,
led America to victory in two World Wars,
and eventually was sworn in
as President Mummy.
One day, when signing a peace deal,
she fell in love with
that commie bastard Brezhnev.
They both abandoned their people
for a quiet life on the moon,
which left the world in chaos.
[glasses clink]
Soon after, the bombs started flying
and America became a toxic wasteland,
except for Hollywood, which broke off
and became a floating island.
But I know the Americans
are still out there, biding their time.
Waiting for the perfect moment to strike!
Oooh!
[glasses shatter]
And that's how I fucked up the future.
theme song playing ♪
Koala Kode 2,040.
Remember: if it doesn't have a collar,
it's not a shirt.
LIAM: I never realized
how amazing Americans are!
Chad Wagon says every meal
comes with a side dish of freedom!
Totally awesome sauce.
Liam, please.
I only wanted to come
to this ridiculous novelty restaurant
for your twin birthdays
because I thought seeing how
America's lawless attitudes
drove them to destruction
would serve as a cautionary tale.
- It's working.
This birthday sucks.
Your plan backfired, Dad.
Now I see how boring Australians are.
All we care about is footy
or sharks or whatever.
Chad Wagon says Americans
solve most of their problems
through illegal street racing.
[sighs] I wish I were American
America blew itself up!
That's why all the Americans
have come here to a sensible country.
Hey, everyone, ah
this is, uh a robbery.
We're fuckin' robbin' youse.
Yeah, give us ya cash or like
we'll fuckin' shank ya or some shit.
Kevin, do something!
- Yes, I'd say this is a job
for Koala Man--
[engines revving]
Bon Jovi playing
"Raise Your Hands" ♪
[tires squeal]
Oh, my God, it's Chad Wagon!
♪
Out on the run, under the gun ♪
He's perfect.
I would have gotten here sooner,
but parking, am I right, bro?
Raise your hands
when you wanna let it go ♪
- Can you pretty please teach me how
to be a fun, freedom-loving American?
- I don't know. Do you have
what it takes to be mi familia?
- Mi familia?
- Mi familia.
The family you create when your real
family won't accept you for who you are.
- Actually, Liam already has
a very accepting and Australian family.
He doesn't need to be infected
with your American ideas.
- Dude, I wouldn't listen to this guy.
He looks about 5' 7", max.
See ya around, bro.
[sniffing]
[sighs]
- Quiet down, you lot.
Big Greg has big news.
I've just received word
that the Queen herself is coming to Dapto.
Anyone wanna volunteer for the absolute
dog shit job of keeping Her Majesty safe?
- Oh, I do! Me-me-me! Me!
I have it on good authority that Dapto's
handsome and virile superhero Koala Man
would also like to be involved,
uh, perhaps as a means
of demonstrating to his son
just how cool Australians can be.
Yeah, yeah, don't care.
One more thing-- 'cause there is fuck all
to do in this wonderful town,
we'll be bringing forward
the Miss Sausage Roll Pageant
so the Queen can crown the winner.
Now, I know that this is last minute,
but I'm sure we can find some desperate,
psychotic, unpopular losers
who want to be Miss Sausage Roll.
Mum, I'm entering Miss Sausage Roll.
But I need you to buy me a new swimsuit!
I got my eye on this one.
It barely covers tit and slit.
- Language!
And I forbid you from entering.
- But, Muuum, if I win,
I get to meet the Queen!
Not even Rosie Yodels has met the Queen!
I said no!
You don't understand.
You've been a solid five your entire life.
Oh, have I?
[gasps] Mum? You were hot?
VICKY: I went after the Miss Sausage Roll
crown with everything I had.
And I lost.
All because of Saucy Simmons.
Sure, she had a natural advantage,
seeing as she was a sausage roll,
but I figured, a naive little pastry
from the burbs wasn't a threat.
But during the finals,
Saucy poured a bottle of vegetable oil
all over herself
as she did the Sausage Strut.
I slipped on her greasy trail and fell.
And I saw her laughing.
She wanted me to fall.
That flaky, buttery bitch!
- After I lost,
I didn't know who I was anymore.
I went on a seven-year bender
made a lot of friends.
ALISON: What about Dad?
- [sighs] He insisted on calling it
a long-distance relationship,
but we were on a break.
After a while, I returned to Dapto
and married your father.
But if not for Saucy Simmons,
I'd have won Miss Sausage Roll,
and everything would be different.
Everything.
You're not entering and that's final.
What are these, you ask?
Only top-secret security plans
for the Queen's visit!
Cool.
- The Queen is coming to visit Dapto!
Why aren't you more excited?
- I'd be more excited, but Mum's refusing
to train me for Miss Sausage Roll.
For your own good, Alison.
- Ah, I remember
your Miss Sausage Roll days, Vicky.
Some of those pictures
really sustained me
through our seven-year
long-distance relationship.
Mmm! Yummy!
I'm really enjoying
this authentic Australian meat pie,
made with a native Australian animal.
Needs ketchup.
- Liam, in Australia
we say "tomato sauce."
- I just don't get why we can't
have fries like at Chad Wagon's.
Chips, Liam! They're called chips!
I don't even know who you are anymore!
Maybe you never did!
Now I know why I've never
fit in with other Australians!
Because in my heart,
I've been American all along!
That's what Chad says.
That's right.
I went to see Chad after school today.
- I don't want you
hanging around that man!
- You may be my family
but you're not my mi familia.
Chad says you wouldn't hide
behind a mask if you were.
You told him my secret identity?!
That's just oooh, I'm very cross now.
- Oh, and FYI:
tomato sauce is not awesome sauce!
[groans]
Chad Wagon!
- I just don't understand why Liam insists
on fraternizing with a lawless American.
I can feel it in my willies,
this Chad Wagon is bad news.
- Yeah, KM, what did we do to deserve
these Americans invading our shores?
- No one could have known
the consequences!
I just wanted to save the beautiful ship!
- Oi, I think Maxwell's got a touch
of the old dementia, mate.
No! Many years ago, I made a mistake.
I violated the Red Hot Rule.
- What?! What are you talking about?
Keep your voice down!
[laughs] Good joke.
Are you fuckin' crazy, you old bastard?
You want to get nicked
by the Time Bobbies?
Already did.
Spent 20 years in Time Jail.
If not for me, President Mummy
would have been at the bottom
of the sea on the Titanic.
And everything that came after
It's all my fault!
Mark my words, if Americans are involved,
something terrible will happen.
I'm leaving town!
You should too!
[screaming]
- All right then,
see ya tomorrow, Maxwell.
Maxwell's right about one thing.
This American is only going
to make things worse.
Maybe it's time he had a chat with
Koala Man.
AKA me.
Hello, Mother.
You'll never guess
who's entered Miss Sausage Roll.
Saucy Simmons
Don't be absurd. She's far too old.
Junior!
- She's got her mother's flakes,
I'll give her that much.
And she's the heavy favorite to win.
Unless someone were
to come along and defeat her.
- Alison, no.
You don't know what you're asking.
- You need revenge.
I need to become popular.
If you teach me,
maybe we can win this thing, together.
[sighs] Very well.
But just know, pageants turn
the sweetest women into monsters.
- Mum, I'm a 14-year-old girl.
I'm already a monster.
I'm not talking about you, Alison.
[knife whooshes]
Time to train.
Yes, Mum.
[Chad sighs]
CHAD: I wish you could have seen
America in the glory days.
It was paradise, bro.
So, how did you end up in Dapto?
- Once Hollywood became an island,
I knew America was finished.
But I couldn't just
let American raditude die out.
So I bought
the only ticket I could afford
and came to Australia
and opened my restaurant,
where every day is red, white, and blue.
- The Australian flag is also
red, white, and blue.
But ours is better.
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.
It isn't easy being
an American refugee, kid.
I just wish we had
a real home here in Australia,
somewhere we could call our own.
But the Queen will never go for it.
That staunchy fuckin' bitch.
- Maybe we just need to show her
how great the American way of life is.
Dude! Killer idea!
We should do a kickass car stunt for her
when she comes to Dapto!
She'll be so impressed,
she'll have to listen to us.
- That would be awesome sauce,
but security's gonna be super tight.
- Bro, doesn't your cuck dad
have security plans?
You should totally get them.
[whispering] So America can be reborn
in the ashes of Australia.
- What's that?
- Nothing, nothing.
Uh, just, thinking about, uh, hamburgers
and hot dogs and stuff.
- Oi, Mr. Wagon.
Hand over the boy.
Aw, g'day, Captain Australia.
Darn it, that's a good superhero name!
No, resist his charm.
In the name of Dapto and all that is good,
I command you to stop influencing my son.
- Maybe I don't want to be
your son anymore.
- Don't be ridiculous, Liam.
Get in the car.
- You want Liam?
You gotta race me first.
From here to that bridge
is exactly a quarter mile.
And I live a quarter mile at a time.
- Correction: four hundred
and two point three meters at a time.
Pfft, whatever.
What matters is the winner gets Liam.
Liam! This is insane!
Sounds like your old man's scared, Liam.
- Of course, he is.
He's Australian.
Fine. Let's race, Yank.
[engines revving]
Go!
[tires squealing]
MASK: Kevin wouldn't hurt
to go a bit faster, mate.
- I can't, Koala Mask!
This is a 60 zone!
MASK:
This is a race for our son!
My son.
Look, Chad may know how to drive fast,
but I know Dapto's roads.
There's a speed bump coming up
and a traffic camera after that.
He's going far too fast.
If the bump doesn't get him,
the camera will.
Nooo!
Lawless American! You cheated!
You lost, you little bitch.
That was amazing!
And now Liam's mine.
Liam, you're not serious.
[American accent]
You're not my mi familia, Koala Man,
and now you're not my family either.
You are Liam Wagon now.
I love you, Chad Wagon.
Please, son, call me Dad Wagon.
[tires squeal]
[Koala Man sobbing]
[horn blaring]
rock music playing ♪
There comes a time ♪
When the world
is fighting against you ♪
You're feeling its weight
on your shoulders ♪
Crushing you into dirt ♪
But there comes a time ♪
When you face your fears headlong ♪
Headstrong ♪
This is your moment ♪
Let's turn up the heat ♪
It's time to play ♪
Stand up and fight! ♪
Stand up and fight, yeah ♪
Stand up for what ♪
Stand up for what is right ♪
Stand up and fight! ♪
KOALA MAN:
Oh, Liam, sweet Liam.
How I wish you were here to see this.
No. I must focus on the task at hand.
Protecting the Queen!
Oh, looky here, it's Slippy Vicky.
Shut your face, Saucy.
My daughter is going
to crush yours into porridge.
- You need to let go of the past, Vicky.
It's actually embarrassing.
And the present.
Your current life
is also very embarrassing.
- I think our daughters' performances
will be the judge of that.
With just two contestants left,
it's time for the highlight of the event:
the Sausage Strut.
- Alison, I just want to say, I know
there's bad blood between our mothers,
but may the best person win.
- You're not a person.
You're a fuckin' sausage roll.
- Make some noise
for Saucyyyyy Juniooooor!
[crowd cheering]
funky music playing ♪
Three nines from the judges!
That savory girl sure is sweet!
And now, put your oven mitts together
for the last finalist:
Alison Williams!
funky music continues ♪
- Uggh!
[Vicky gasps]
Whoaaa
[crowd gasps]
[cheering and applause]
[gasps]
[cheering and applause]
- Whooo! Fuck you, you lunch order slut!
In your face!
[camera shutters clicking]
[tools clattering]
Dad Wagon, what are you doing?
- Just making a few changes
to make your stunt a little more
memorable.
[lock clicks]
D-D-D-Don't worry.
Just a safety precaution.
Now go make Dad Wagon proud!
U-S-A! U-S-A!
BOTH: U-S-A! U-S-A!
[tires screeching]
- And now, here to crown
Miss Sausage Roll,
the Queen of Australia,
Nicole Kidman!
fanfare playing ♪
[cheering]
Hooly dooly, Dapto.
It's a bloody honor to be here.
- To think, there's my Alison
standing next to the Queen of Australia.
[engine revving]
What's that?
There shouldn't be
any cars within the perimeter!
Alright, bit of shush now.
Funny story, when I was little,
I thought I'd move to America
and enter an arranged marriage
with a space messiah
before settling into a series
of prestige television dramas
where I'd play sad mums in cardigans.
But after America fell, I decided
to stay here and become your queen.
[cheering]
Pretty cool, huh?
Anyway, congrats, Miss Sausage Roll!
[revving]
COMPUTER: Autopilot activated.
Kill Queen, frame Liam,
reboot Australia into America 2.0.
- What?
[tires squeal]
No, no, no no!
Noooooo!
WOMAN: [singing]
everybody ♪
I have come to take you back with-- ♪
REPORTER:
Breaking news: the Queen of Australia
has just been grilled to death
on the hood of a race car,
driven by a small boy,
who has tragically died at the scene.
A muscly American man is claiming
to be Australia's new leader,
and we're all kind of going with it.
- Oh, no, Maxwell!
You mustn't change the past!
REPORTER:
Anyway, we all live in America 2.0 now,
and it's totally awesome sauce!
- Ooh! Blasphemy!
To hell with the law!
[line ringing]
[whimpering]
[ringing continues]
Pick up, Koala Man, pick up!
- To think, there's my Alison
standing next to the Queen of Australia.
I wish Liam was here to see this.
[tires squeal]
What's that? There shouldn't be
any cars within the perimeter!
[phone buzzes]
Hey, Maxwell
Oh, my God!
Thank you for warning me!
Though you have broken the Red Hot Rule,
and I'm gonna have to dob you in, mate.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to tell
the authorities.
Yeah, you can't--
you broke the law, mate.
Yeah, it's alright. Okay.
Yeah, no worries. See ya later.
Alright, bye.
One minute.
Time to save my son, Queen Nicole Kidman,
and all of Australia!
QUEEN NICOLE KIDMAN:
Pretty cool, huh?
Anyway, congrats, Miss Sausage Roll!
[applause]
I did it.
I'll be the most powerful girl
in school by tomorrow.
I'm so happy.
This is the best moment of my life.
[car revving]
[thuds]
Alison! The Queen!
[Saucy gasps]
[screams]
Agh! They've grilled my girl!
No, no, no!
Ahhhh!
[panting]
[screams]
[lock clicks]
Ahhh!
[explosion]
[crowd gasps]
[sizzling]
Saucy Junior saved my life.
She deserves to posthumously win
Miss Sausage Roll, not Alison!
Oh, my God! No! I was so close!
[camera shutters click]
A heartbreaking chain of events.
If I may propose a moment of silence
for that brave sausage roll.
Anyway, who's excited for the raffle?
[cheering]
[man running, panting]
Son, what happened with the stunt?
You were gonna frame me!
- Sacrifices gotta be made
for the U-S of A, dawg!
I thought you understood.
We could've brought America back,
right here in Australia.
America 2.0, bro.
All you had to do was kill the Queen.
Hey, Chad, get away from my son!
- Dad!
- Mr. Wagon,
I demand you leave Dapto at once!
- Or what?
You wanna race for it?
- No. That's the problem
with you lawless Americans.
You're brash, arrogant,
overmuscled buffoons.
You can't say that to me.
- I can say whatever I want to you
because of the First Amendment.
[hisses]
I realize now, to beat an American,
I must understand Americans
and try to share my son's passion.
And there's nothing you Americans
are more passionate about
than freedom of speech!
Isn't that right, you filthy drongo.
No, stop!
- You bloody wanker!
- No, no, stop!
- Knobhead!
- [high-pitched voice] No, no!
No! Leave me alone!
Chad! Was any of it real?
Was I ever your mi familia?
- Liam, you'll always be my mi famil--
Just desserts.
- Sorry, Dad.
I don't know what came over me.
[sighs] I understand, Liam.
You fell under the spell of America.
I did, too, when I was your age.
But we're Australian, Liam.
And we have to make the best
of what we have.
LIAM: Can I still say "ketchup" sometimes?
KOALA MAN: I'll think about it.
[groaning]
fanfare playing ♪
- Drop the charges, Time Bobbies,
he saved my life.
C'mon, Maxwell, let's get you home.
Oh, bless you, Your Majesty!
fanfare playing ♪
somber music playing ♪
They really went all out for her.
Alison, how are you feeling after losing?
Do you feel like going
on a seven-year bender
and settling into a life
of quiet desperation? Hmm?
How do I feel?
[laughing maniacally]
ominous music playing ♪
I feel fine, actually.
Huh.
I guess one disappointment doesn't have
to dictate the course of your entire life.
Maybe things would have been
exactly the same even if I won.
I would have ended up here anyway Hmm.
That coffin's empty, you know.
They fed Saucy Junior to needy families.
An Australian hero.
Just like you, Dad.
Hmm. I suppose I am.
[thunder rumbles]
Chad! Mi familia
President Mummy shall have her revenge!
theme song playing ♪
fanfare playing ♪