Kung Fu Panda: The Paws of Destiny (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
Blade of the Red Phoenix
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MOANS.]
Huh? What? Aah! [GASPS.]
Woah! [LAUGHS.]
Whoo! Yeah! [LAUGHING IN JOY.]
Huzzah! Woo-hoo! Woah! Yeah! Oh, jeez! [SNARLS.]
[GASPS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BOTH SNARLING.]
[PO SCREAMING.]
[MOANS.]
OOGWAY: Oh! Hello, Po.
Ah! I've been meaning to get a hold of you.
PO: What was with those dragons up there? OOGWAY: Dragons don't always get along.
Okay.
I feel like there's more to it than that.
Oh! There is.
But you'll learn that in time.
I can't help but wonder why you haven't visited the Temple of the Four Constellations yet.
What's in the temple? Something cool? There is a great evil coming, Po.
If it is not stopped, it will mean the end of all we hold dear.
Woah, woah! What's that supposed to mean? [SNARLS.]
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
This is the entrance, huh? What are you asking me for, chief? You got that sweet map I drew.
Mm? Mm.
PO: Huh! So how did you get the cave to open before? Easy.
We ruined a priceless Panda Village landmark And it crashed through the rock.
Yeah.
There's gotta be better options than that.
Hmm.
Let me try something.
[LAUGHS IN AMUSEMENT.]
[BREATHING DEEPLY.]
Hiyah! Huh! Open sesame! Open sesam-chi! Ow! Knock-knock.
Who's there? Open! Skadoosh! [YELLS.]
[OUT OF BREATH.]
Okay, I'm done.
If you kids got any ideas, go for it.
NU HAI: Okay, you guys, there's gotta be a button or a lever or something like that.
Fan out, see if you can find anything.
[FAN TONG GASPS.]
[ALL GASP.]
[GASPS.]
We're so cool! Hmm.
Yeah, well, I probably warmed it up for you.
I mean A little seasoning on it, you know what I mean? [ALL EXCLAIMING.]
BAO: Pretty sick, huh, Master Po? Haha! This is cray-cray.
This is exactly like the Jade Palace Except, you know, full of mold, and dust, and Are those bones? [CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, it's pretty spectacular.
Whaa-- Was that pedestal-box-situation here before? Nah, bruh.
That's new.
Woah! NU HAI: [EXCLAIMING.]
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Master Po, unroll it! I can't take it anymore, I gotta know what's inside! Woah! [GASPS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Aha! Man, I'm awesome! Got it! Lost it.
Over there! Did you guys see [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Now, listen, you deer vampire whatever-your-deal-is I can't let you leave with that Aah! [STRAINING.]
[GASPS.]
I'm coming, kids! This is such a bad idea.
No, no, no! [ALL SCREAM.]
No! Oh! Come on, guys, I know you're there.
Nu Hai! Bao! Are you there? Please! Anyone? Somebody? [SHOUTS.]
Answer me! [PANTING AND SOBBING.]
[RUMBLING.]
BOTH: Huh? [GASPS.]
Wow! BAO: Yo! Woah, woah, woah! Why all the long faces? I just saved everybody's life in there with the power of my mighty chi.
I know! Ha ha! Pound it.
NU HAI: Ahem! Guys, are we forgetting something? We had that scroll right in our paws! And we lost it.
Oh, yeah.
At least we still have this though.
Whoa! You got the scroll? How? I traded with that mean deer lady while she wasn't paying attention.
Fan Tong, you're amazing! What does it say? It's Blank.
Who the heck would go through all the trouble of hiding a blank scroll in a super-secret underground ancient temple? Wait.
Fan Tong, what did you trade her for? [JINDIAO SNARLS IN FRUSTRATION.]
Master, they must have switched scrolls.
Forgive me.
If those kids have the scroll It could destroy everything I've been working towards Since I first took control of this body.
Since you've failed me so, so miserably I'll have to send someone a little bit stronger.
We must prepare to summon the Yaoguai.
Oh, no, Po! You're still banned from here.
What, why? You made a huge mess last time.
You got duck sauce all over the scrolls! Now out! Hmm.
Mm? [GASPS.]
Hey, Dragon Master! Hey, Mei Mei.
How's it going with the ribbon dance? Okay, stop talking! I have a proposition for you.
I'm putting on this fun little, amazing Life-changing theatrical experience.
I'm always looking to book guest stars And I thought I'd ask if maybe you'd perhaps think about being interested? PO: [READING.]
"Definitely starring Po, the Dragon Master.
" It's blank.
Yeah, we kind of figured that part out for ourselves, Grandma.
Hmm.
Perhaps the text is hidden.
The old Kung Fu masters, had methods of concealing their most important messages that nobody even knows anymore.
I'll hold onto this for safe-keeping.
Give me! [BOTH STRUGGLING.]
Sorry.
Got a little carried away.
Ow! [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY.]
[GASPS.]
"I see the, the light.
" [CRYING.]
Uh Everything okay, son? This is a preview of her one-panda show.
I hope? [MEI MEI CRYING.]
[COUGHS.]
So that's the end of the first scene! Then I quickly run offstage, and then I change hats.
Oh, children! I'm so happy you're here.
Your Master Po is very excited to be performing with me on stage! I haven't actually agreed to do anything for you.
Aw, son! That's great.
[PO STRUGGLING TO BREATHE.]
I missed all your school plays PO: [STRUGGLING.]
Dad, I love you, too When I lost you.
[CRYING.]
I was robbed of your childhoodCome on, now.
And it makes me feel so empty inside![PO BREATHING RELIEVED.]
Oh, my God.
Your dad's pain is so adorable! Your students have to be in this play with you.
That way, your father will get to experience a glimpse of your childhood that fate so cruelly robbed him of.
[SOBBING.]
She's so right! I've been so empty inside all these years! But what about the S-C-R-O Shh! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, Mei Mei, we'll come up with something for the show.
Huzzah! See, son? This is gonna work out great for everybody.
MR.
PING: Dry salty plums! Get your dry salty plums! Dad! Son! Mr.
Ping.
What are you doing here? Oh, I got a flyer for the show And I thought I'd spend some time with my son And sell the number one theatre snack in the world.
Dry salty plums! Yummy, yummy! Your favorite, son.
It's awesome you're here, Dad! FAN TONG: [EXCLAIMING.]
Aww.
[SCREAMS.]
[THUDDING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
[ROARS.]
Let's see what he's capable of.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING AND SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS AND SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[SNARLING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHS CUNNINGLY.]
[DEER SCREAMING.]
BAO: Why are you still lugging around that scroll? Can't we just leave it in the Training Hall? This is an important message from some ancient Kung Fu master.
We can't let it out of our sight.
And there's that scary deer lady Who's always making a face like she has a headache.
She wants it too! Yo, ding-dongs, check this out.
We can stash it in here while we're on stage.
Okay, I'm here! Dazzle me.
We will be playing the Monkey King Sun Wukong.
Um You're all playing the same character? We never agree on who's gonna be what.
This just saves time.
Wait till you see Master Po's costume.
[CHUCKLING.]
It's so scary! Are you kidding me? That's your demon costume? [CRYING.]
My career is over! My career is over! Is she okay? Master Po! Let's knock out this rehearsal real quick and get back to the scroll.
When you hear your entrance line "This sure looks like the type of place there would never be a demon.
" You jump at us and attack! [PUSH CART APPROACHING.]
Then fighty-fight, acty-act, we defeat you, and end scene.
Hey, get your paws off my delicacies! LI: I can't get one little sample? PO: Hey, hey, hey.
What's wrong? Your panda dad keeps putting his grubby little hands in my noodle cart.
LI: I have had it up to here with you Dads! Dads! Hey! I don't know how many times I have to go over this.
You've gotta find a way to get along.
LI AND PING: Hmm.
[BOTH ARGUING TOGETHER.]
MR.
PING: Don't you ever brush your teeth? [ROARS.]
Why am I here? You have pulled me from my date night and I am very angry! My wife, Glarg, only arises from her cocoon once a millennia to consume the souls of the unworthy And I must accompany her or be befouled in the utters of the great Ching-Gow.
I even got a sitter for our spawn.
Does this guy ever shut up? Yes.
Remind me next time to summon one without a tongue.
JINDIAO: Do not worry, my friend, I shall return you to your home As soon as you retrieve my scroll from some insignificant pandas.
Oh! I will crush these tubby bears.
Savagely I will drain their marrow as their screams echo in the inferno of the great Dagon's four stomachs Jindiao Bird Master.
Dah! Dragon Master.
[SCREAMING.]
What is happening? [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Your mission to find this scroll is too important to leave to chance.
So, just in case, if things get messy BOTH: I will take control.
Dry salty plums! Get your dry salty plums here! I'll take two orders, please.
I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
Especially you.
I'm trying to extend an olive branch.
You know, geese are allergic to olives.
Are you trying to kill me? Look, I'm trying to be friends.
We share the same son! We are not friends! You're right, we're not friends! We're family.
We both love our son.
And he doesn't want us to fight.
So you're going to play it that way, are you? If you think guilting me with the family card will work [GASPS.]
You're absolutely right.
[SOBS.]
By the way, I don't offer a family discount! "I emerge from this cocoon, a woman! "Ready to suckle life's sweet nectar with my proboscis.
" Uh, huh? [WEAK APPLAUDING.]
Thank you.
[KISSES.]
To open my three-hour tour de force is a bunch of kids in masks.
Huzzah! Really makes you admire the dictators who outlaw this stuff, huh? Focus.
We're up next.
BAO: "That cave up there.
"Perhaps it is full of treasure?" "This sure looks like the type of place there would never be a demon.
" Ooh! PO: "It is I, the Wind" Aw! Ooh! Woah! [SCREAMING.]
[THUNDERCLAP.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
Oh, wow.
Check out those special effects.
Whoa! Master Po? That costume turned out way better than I expected.
[ROARS.]
That is not Master Po.
[CHEERING.]
Give me the scroll! [TREMBLING.]
How does he know about the scroll I mean, what scroll? I don't know what you're talking [BOTH SCREAMING.]
It's like that? Let's rock this turd! [SCREAMS.]
[SQUEALING.]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
[STRAINING.]
Uh! Woah! [WHIMPERING.]
YAOGUAI: Tired I am of this! Return the scroll Or I will drink the secreted fluid of your spines And discern the mystery myself.
[BONES CRUNCHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[STRUGGLING.]
Not sure spinal fluid works that way, big fella.
You'll never get the scroll.
Nu Hai, no! [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Whoa! Did you see that? I think I just laid an egg! Fan Tong! The sword of Red Phoenix.
That was amazing! [ROARING.]
Now, Fan Tong! Yaa! [SLOWED DOWN SCREAMING.]
[YAOGUAI LAUGHING.]
You think that hurts? I don't feel a [SCREAMS.]
Thank you! Thank you! [APPLAUSE CONTINUES.]
Thank you! [PO STRUGGLING.]
[SIGHS.]
Did I miss anything? [SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION.]
We wasted a perfectly good demon! If there's anything I can do to make you feel better JINDIAO: If the information in that scroll is uncovered The entire world could find out who I truly am.
I think it's time I personally paid a visit to our friends in Panda Village.
ALL: Woah! [NU HAI LAUGHS EXCITEDLY.]
Maybe our chi is the key to unlocking the hidden message, right? Ho! I think you're onto something! Fan Tong Do your thing, buddy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Things are getting real weird now, huh? [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MOANS.]
Huh? What? Aah! [GASPS.]
Woah! [LAUGHS.]
Whoo! Yeah! [LAUGHING IN JOY.]
Huzzah! Woo-hoo! Woah! Yeah! Oh, jeez! [SNARLS.]
[GASPS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BOTH SNARLING.]
[PO SCREAMING.]
[MOANS.]
OOGWAY: Oh! Hello, Po.
Ah! I've been meaning to get a hold of you.
PO: What was with those dragons up there? OOGWAY: Dragons don't always get along.
Okay.
I feel like there's more to it than that.
Oh! There is.
But you'll learn that in time.
I can't help but wonder why you haven't visited the Temple of the Four Constellations yet.
What's in the temple? Something cool? There is a great evil coming, Po.
If it is not stopped, it will mean the end of all we hold dear.
Woah, woah! What's that supposed to mean? [SNARLS.]
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
This is the entrance, huh? What are you asking me for, chief? You got that sweet map I drew.
Mm? Mm.
PO: Huh! So how did you get the cave to open before? Easy.
We ruined a priceless Panda Village landmark And it crashed through the rock.
Yeah.
There's gotta be better options than that.
Hmm.
Let me try something.
[LAUGHS IN AMUSEMENT.]
[BREATHING DEEPLY.]
Hiyah! Huh! Open sesame! Open sesam-chi! Ow! Knock-knock.
Who's there? Open! Skadoosh! [YELLS.]
[OUT OF BREATH.]
Okay, I'm done.
If you kids got any ideas, go for it.
NU HAI: Okay, you guys, there's gotta be a button or a lever or something like that.
Fan out, see if you can find anything.
[FAN TONG GASPS.]
[ALL GASP.]
[GASPS.]
We're so cool! Hmm.
Yeah, well, I probably warmed it up for you.
I mean A little seasoning on it, you know what I mean? [ALL EXCLAIMING.]
BAO: Pretty sick, huh, Master Po? Haha! This is cray-cray.
This is exactly like the Jade Palace Except, you know, full of mold, and dust, and Are those bones? [CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, it's pretty spectacular.
Whaa-- Was that pedestal-box-situation here before? Nah, bruh.
That's new.
Woah! NU HAI: [EXCLAIMING.]
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Master Po, unroll it! I can't take it anymore, I gotta know what's inside! Woah! [GASPS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Aha! Man, I'm awesome! Got it! Lost it.
Over there! Did you guys see [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Now, listen, you deer vampire whatever-your-deal-is I can't let you leave with that Aah! [STRAINING.]
[GASPS.]
I'm coming, kids! This is such a bad idea.
No, no, no! [ALL SCREAM.]
No! Oh! Come on, guys, I know you're there.
Nu Hai! Bao! Are you there? Please! Anyone? Somebody? [SHOUTS.]
Answer me! [PANTING AND SOBBING.]
[RUMBLING.]
BOTH: Huh? [GASPS.]
Wow! BAO: Yo! Woah, woah, woah! Why all the long faces? I just saved everybody's life in there with the power of my mighty chi.
I know! Ha ha! Pound it.
NU HAI: Ahem! Guys, are we forgetting something? We had that scroll right in our paws! And we lost it.
Oh, yeah.
At least we still have this though.
Whoa! You got the scroll? How? I traded with that mean deer lady while she wasn't paying attention.
Fan Tong, you're amazing! What does it say? It's Blank.
Who the heck would go through all the trouble of hiding a blank scroll in a super-secret underground ancient temple? Wait.
Fan Tong, what did you trade her for? [JINDIAO SNARLS IN FRUSTRATION.]
Master, they must have switched scrolls.
Forgive me.
If those kids have the scroll It could destroy everything I've been working towards Since I first took control of this body.
Since you've failed me so, so miserably I'll have to send someone a little bit stronger.
We must prepare to summon the Yaoguai.
Oh, no, Po! You're still banned from here.
What, why? You made a huge mess last time.
You got duck sauce all over the scrolls! Now out! Hmm.
Mm? [GASPS.]
Hey, Dragon Master! Hey, Mei Mei.
How's it going with the ribbon dance? Okay, stop talking! I have a proposition for you.
I'm putting on this fun little, amazing Life-changing theatrical experience.
I'm always looking to book guest stars And I thought I'd ask if maybe you'd perhaps think about being interested? PO: [READING.]
"Definitely starring Po, the Dragon Master.
" It's blank.
Yeah, we kind of figured that part out for ourselves, Grandma.
Hmm.
Perhaps the text is hidden.
The old Kung Fu masters, had methods of concealing their most important messages that nobody even knows anymore.
I'll hold onto this for safe-keeping.
Give me! [BOTH STRUGGLING.]
Sorry.
Got a little carried away.
Ow! [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY.]
[GASPS.]
"I see the, the light.
" [CRYING.]
Uh Everything okay, son? This is a preview of her one-panda show.
I hope? [MEI MEI CRYING.]
[COUGHS.]
So that's the end of the first scene! Then I quickly run offstage, and then I change hats.
Oh, children! I'm so happy you're here.
Your Master Po is very excited to be performing with me on stage! I haven't actually agreed to do anything for you.
Aw, son! That's great.
[PO STRUGGLING TO BREATHE.]
I missed all your school plays PO: [STRUGGLING.]
Dad, I love you, too When I lost you.
[CRYING.]
I was robbed of your childhoodCome on, now.
And it makes me feel so empty inside![PO BREATHING RELIEVED.]
Oh, my God.
Your dad's pain is so adorable! Your students have to be in this play with you.
That way, your father will get to experience a glimpse of your childhood that fate so cruelly robbed him of.
[SOBBING.]
She's so right! I've been so empty inside all these years! But what about the S-C-R-O Shh! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, Mei Mei, we'll come up with something for the show.
Huzzah! See, son? This is gonna work out great for everybody.
MR.
PING: Dry salty plums! Get your dry salty plums! Dad! Son! Mr.
Ping.
What are you doing here? Oh, I got a flyer for the show And I thought I'd spend some time with my son And sell the number one theatre snack in the world.
Dry salty plums! Yummy, yummy! Your favorite, son.
It's awesome you're here, Dad! FAN TONG: [EXCLAIMING.]
Aww.
[SCREAMS.]
[THUDDING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
[ROARS.]
Let's see what he's capable of.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING AND SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS AND SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[SNARLING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHS CUNNINGLY.]
[DEER SCREAMING.]
BAO: Why are you still lugging around that scroll? Can't we just leave it in the Training Hall? This is an important message from some ancient Kung Fu master.
We can't let it out of our sight.
And there's that scary deer lady Who's always making a face like she has a headache.
She wants it too! Yo, ding-dongs, check this out.
We can stash it in here while we're on stage.
Okay, I'm here! Dazzle me.
We will be playing the Monkey King Sun Wukong.
Um You're all playing the same character? We never agree on who's gonna be what.
This just saves time.
Wait till you see Master Po's costume.
[CHUCKLING.]
It's so scary! Are you kidding me? That's your demon costume? [CRYING.]
My career is over! My career is over! Is she okay? Master Po! Let's knock out this rehearsal real quick and get back to the scroll.
When you hear your entrance line "This sure looks like the type of place there would never be a demon.
" You jump at us and attack! [PUSH CART APPROACHING.]
Then fighty-fight, acty-act, we defeat you, and end scene.
Hey, get your paws off my delicacies! LI: I can't get one little sample? PO: Hey, hey, hey.
What's wrong? Your panda dad keeps putting his grubby little hands in my noodle cart.
LI: I have had it up to here with you Dads! Dads! Hey! I don't know how many times I have to go over this.
You've gotta find a way to get along.
LI AND PING: Hmm.
[BOTH ARGUING TOGETHER.]
MR.
PING: Don't you ever brush your teeth? [ROARS.]
Why am I here? You have pulled me from my date night and I am very angry! My wife, Glarg, only arises from her cocoon once a millennia to consume the souls of the unworthy And I must accompany her or be befouled in the utters of the great Ching-Gow.
I even got a sitter for our spawn.
Does this guy ever shut up? Yes.
Remind me next time to summon one without a tongue.
JINDIAO: Do not worry, my friend, I shall return you to your home As soon as you retrieve my scroll from some insignificant pandas.
Oh! I will crush these tubby bears.
Savagely I will drain their marrow as their screams echo in the inferno of the great Dagon's four stomachs Jindiao Bird Master.
Dah! Dragon Master.
[SCREAMING.]
What is happening? [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Your mission to find this scroll is too important to leave to chance.
So, just in case, if things get messy BOTH: I will take control.
Dry salty plums! Get your dry salty plums here! I'll take two orders, please.
I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
Especially you.
I'm trying to extend an olive branch.
You know, geese are allergic to olives.
Are you trying to kill me? Look, I'm trying to be friends.
We share the same son! We are not friends! You're right, we're not friends! We're family.
We both love our son.
And he doesn't want us to fight.
So you're going to play it that way, are you? If you think guilting me with the family card will work [GASPS.]
You're absolutely right.
[SOBS.]
By the way, I don't offer a family discount! "I emerge from this cocoon, a woman! "Ready to suckle life's sweet nectar with my proboscis.
" Uh, huh? [WEAK APPLAUDING.]
Thank you.
[KISSES.]
To open my three-hour tour de force is a bunch of kids in masks.
Huzzah! Really makes you admire the dictators who outlaw this stuff, huh? Focus.
We're up next.
BAO: "That cave up there.
"Perhaps it is full of treasure?" "This sure looks like the type of place there would never be a demon.
" Ooh! PO: "It is I, the Wind" Aw! Ooh! Woah! [SCREAMING.]
[THUNDERCLAP.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
Oh, wow.
Check out those special effects.
Whoa! Master Po? That costume turned out way better than I expected.
[ROARS.]
That is not Master Po.
[CHEERING.]
Give me the scroll! [TREMBLING.]
How does he know about the scroll I mean, what scroll? I don't know what you're talking [BOTH SCREAMING.]
It's like that? Let's rock this turd! [SCREAMS.]
[SQUEALING.]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
[STRAINING.]
Uh! Woah! [WHIMPERING.]
YAOGUAI: Tired I am of this! Return the scroll Or I will drink the secreted fluid of your spines And discern the mystery myself.
[BONES CRUNCHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[STRUGGLING.]
Not sure spinal fluid works that way, big fella.
You'll never get the scroll.
Nu Hai, no! [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Whoa! Did you see that? I think I just laid an egg! Fan Tong! The sword of Red Phoenix.
That was amazing! [ROARING.]
Now, Fan Tong! Yaa! [SLOWED DOWN SCREAMING.]
[YAOGUAI LAUGHING.]
You think that hurts? I don't feel a [SCREAMS.]
Thank you! Thank you! [APPLAUSE CONTINUES.]
Thank you! [PO STRUGGLING.]
[SIGHS.]
Did I miss anything? [SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION.]
We wasted a perfectly good demon! If there's anything I can do to make you feel better JINDIAO: If the information in that scroll is uncovered The entire world could find out who I truly am.
I think it's time I personally paid a visit to our friends in Panda Village.
ALL: Woah! [NU HAI LAUGHS EXCITEDLY.]
Maybe our chi is the key to unlocking the hidden message, right? Ho! I think you're onto something! Fan Tong Do your thing, buddy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Things are getting real weird now, huh? [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]