La La Land (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

hoping to hitch their wagon to a star.
Passport, please.
What is the purpose of your visit? - I'm an actor, douche bag.
- I'm a psychic superstar.
- I'm a documentary filmmaker.
- I'm here to win prizes, sweet cheeks.
- Are you traveling alone? Uh, no.
I've got me mum in here.
What these three men don't realize is that fame and fortune are fleeting.
It's stupidity that's eternal.
Welcome to La La Land.
Brendan, Shirley and Gary all came to Los Angeles thinking just getting here was half the battle.
However, they are each about to find out that success is not a destination, but a journey.
Little did you think that you'd be coming to Hollywood to fish bees out of my pool.
I don't mind, Mrs.
L.
I would do anything for you.
Gary is seeking advice from his mentor, Ruta Lee, about creating a film in which he will star.
Imagine-- Imagine this title of the film, flickering.
i- Imagine two different words coming together on the screen.
- Yes.
For what? Or I've got this one, which is going round.
Honey, we've got much more important things to do than this.
We've got to shape you into star material.
This has nothing to do with it.
I've got sparrow hawks, starling, vulture, condor, cockatiel-- Now wait a minute.
This is an animated film that you're talking about? No, I'm thinking the villain needs an animal.
Excuse me.
This is so far in the future.
You're a baby when it comes to this business.
You need a lawyer.
You need an agent.
You need everything.
Yeah, but I've got ideas.
Like the villain could be like either-- I was thinkin' like, you've had Nick Nack and Oddjob.
What about Oddnack or Nickjob? Your little fakakta ideas don't mean anything.
Nothing! Top of the line, Mr.
Shirley.
Okay.
Get my shoes tinted.
We're gonna be late.
I'll do it now, Mr.
Shirley.
There's a lot of sidekicks gonna be auditioning today.
They're gonna pick one to present the TV show Spirited.
Comp-- How do you say? Competeeter-- Competator? Competitors, yeah.
So I need to do something that's gonna set me apart from everyone else.
Oh, I'm so bloody nervous.
The search for America's next psyic superstar is under way at the auditions for Spirited, a new paranormal TV show.
My name's Anthony.
I'm just gonna shake your hand.
I'd rather you didn't touch me.
- "Antony.
" - Mm-hmm.
Anthony, he's evil and he's done terrible things.
I just feel something in him.
I felt the same thing.
Yeah.
He's like someone circling for prey is what he's like.
He's evil.
If you were to slam his bloody head in a car door repeatedly-- - Oh, don't say that.
- But if you were, it would say "Evil" down his neck.
ill.
He's killed children.
- Does "Anton" got his drink on him? - Uh, yes.
'Cause I've got some tablets in my bag, and if I give you one of 'em, - could you pop it in his drink? - No, not at all.
That's un-- What if I pu t- if I put you under a spell? No.
I will not accept a spell.
No.
Don't say anything to anybody, all right? Otherwise-- I will not.
I-- If you say anything to anybod y- I don't wanna threaten you but-- Where's your drink? I'm not drinking.
Right.
Gary is on a quest to find an agent, but first needs an acting show reel.
He's meeting a husband-an d-wife producing team, who will put him on tape using scripts he's written based on his own life.
And action.
You're gorgeous, Gary.
You complete me.
You don't wanna get involved with a guy like me.
I'm a dangerous man.
Frankly, I don't give a care.
I love you.
"You're getting married to Mickey.
" Sorry.
You really put me off when you look me in the eyes.
My mind goes off 'cause I start thinkin' about-- "You're getting married to Mickey.
" Sorry, I'm just puttin' everything where it should be.
This scene is about your desire, but you have to control it.
Right.
I am trying to control it.
All right? You guys ready? And action.
You know your problem, Sondra? You can't handle the truth.
We are history.
Of course I wanna go up ya.
Is that-- Is that it? I do.
I really do.
i - Okay.
Here we go.
We're rolling.
One more blow job.
Don't make me beg.
All right then.
I'll meet you by the bins, but that is it.
All right.
I'm gonna mark you guys up.
I got him.
Why you down there? Might as well do the blow job right now.
Oh.
You're getting jealous.
So we're gonna do the fight scene next.
- Aaron, Aaron, Aaron.
- Wanna grab Aaron? And un-- Sorry, mate.
She's givin' me a hard-on.
What can I do about it? I've got a boner 'cause she just looked me in the eyes in that little soft way when going-- Just said to me, "I'll give you a blow job.
" Don't know where the acting, you know, finishes and reality starts.
Right.
Right.
It's acting.
Hi, Shirley.
Hello.
Hello.
Do you mind if I just touch your face? No.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Oh, glasses.
Rob, can I just get a sense of you.
Sure.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Thank you.
Okay.
Can I just say, Tom's just been in, and I don't think he's right for this.
All I'm saying is, you're giving somebody like Tom the runaround and the lead-on to think that he can do something with his life, and he can't.
He's better off if we just put him in a sack and drown him.
Because it's not this life he's gonna succeed in, it's the next.
Would you understand what I'm saying, Cleo? Absolutely.
I feel like I shouldn't really say this, 'cause I don't wanna influence you in any way.
I was visited by a night demon.
Quite a high-up demon, who is a general.
I don't-- Is this television-friendly, the eyes? Yes, it is.
Okay.
But this demon has got it in for both of you.
He's gonna kill you.
And he said the only thing I could do to prevent it happening was go and audition for Spirited and get it.
You still might get a guest spot.
The demon said no bloody guest spots.
Hey, baby.
Can I just have two seconds of your time? Brendan hopes to win critical acclaim with an environmental documentary.
He plans to release an endangered species into the wild, but with no credible expert or rare animal, he is forced to improvise.
I'm making a movie about the condor.
The birds? Yes, the bird.
We're taking it from captivity and releasing it into the wild.
We had an ecologist booked from Poland, Professor Studek, and she's let me down at the last minute, and I just need someone who could be an ecologist for me.
I just need someone that looks corny in a lab coat.
Do you think you might be able to help me? Help you what? Money? I'm sure you've pretended.
I'm sure you've faked orgasms.
You can fake this.
Could you pass yourself as a ecologist? Probably.
Um, I need you to sign this.
I can run through it with you.
It's just-- "Brendan Allen Films shall not be liable for any injuries sustained "whilst engaged in this film, whether inadvertent, accidental or direct on purpose.
"Any negative exposure of Brendan Allen Films "will invoke Clause 027 of this contract, "in which the signatory must publicly admit they are a liar.
"Failure to admit will result in instant allocation of your worldly possessions to Brendan Allen Films.
" That's just-- means nothing really.
Is there anything you wanna ask me before we start, because we can't really-- Well, I mean-- We're doing this now? Yeah, we're going for it now.
Okay.
Can you button-- button it up? Oh.
Well, it's gonna be tight.
Have you got anything lower cut than that? Studek.
"Shtudek?" Okay.
Okay? Professor Studek, how was your flight? Very tiring.
Very, very long.
Long.
So what we're doing is we're going to the zoo.
There's an expert there who breeds the condors in captivity.
And they're giving us a condor to release.
Right.
We're here.
I'm gonna need you two i- to wait in the car while I pop into the zoo.
- Come on, Brendan.
Just look him in the eye, tell him you need a condor.
Okay.
- I just made you a drink.
- No, thank you very much.
- Are you not gonna accept my gift? - No, thank you.
Is it 'cause I'm blind? - No.
I know it's from your heart.
- Why don't you have a little sip? - 'Cause I'm not thirsty.
It's coffee.
You like coffee, don't you? Yes, but I'm not thirsty.
I'm fine.
Just have a little sip, as a friendly thing to do.
Antony? Huh? I bought you a coffee.
Enjoy it.
Having completed his show reel, Gary is hoping to impress veteran Hollywood agent Steve Stevens.
So tell me a little bit about you.
Uh, I'm an actor.
I'm big news.
I've got like-- I'm like the next sort of the big thing that you ain't ever heard of yet.
Number one, I wanna be able to see your ability as an actor.
I want you to do an improv for me, okay? Right.
Okay.
Yeah.
I want you to be a young, insecure attorney, telling the jury pool that your client is innocent.
Right.
But you're a little insecure with it.
Maybe this is your first time in front of a jury.
Right.
Okay.
I can do that.
Um, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
Um, I'm a little bit, uh, nervous, just to let you know, because I'm a little bit insecure.
'Cause this is the first time I've done anything like this.
But I've gotta be straight up with ya, all right? This little lady here-- She is innocent, and you, old man, you could ruin her life.
So if you do not give me an innocent verdict, I will track you down and "nutcha.
" Okay.
That's good.
What do you want? Take them.
Why? I just need a lock of Antony's hair.
- Oh, I cannot do that I cannot do that.
- He's coming.
Don't-- Don't-- I cannot do this.
It's an ethical thing for me.
I cannot.
Can I just say, Tom has been saying wretched things about you.
It doesn't matter.
I don't think it's fair though.
I don't care.
Being horrible about your boobs.
I don't care.
He said you was a pothead.
I need to walk away.
I need to walk away now.
Can we just sit and talk? But set up like you were going here.
Would anybody like a drink? No, thank you.
No, we're good.
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
No.
Sorry.
Oh.
Right.
Okay.
Let's get going.
How's it-- Hand brake off.
Fuck's sake.
How do you take the hand brake off? i- Oh, shit.
- Is that the police? i- - Oh, God.
Can you hear that thing? What is it? It's the bloody condor.
Right, we got the bird.
Kiki, just film-- Are you on me? The car was full of joy.
Myself, Brendan Allen, award-winning documentary maker, Professor Studek, ecologist from Poland, were excited about the release of the Californian condor.
i- Let that poor bird free.
- Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa! - i- - Oh, shit.
How's the bird? My, God.
How do I reverse? Whoa.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Hold on.
Sorry.
Oh, I hope he's okay.
Oh, my God! He's gonna die.
It's fine.
It's fine.
He's fine.
It's all right.
Nothing to worry about.
Oh, shit.
It's fine.
He's not fine.
It's fine.
It's absolutely fine.
Whoa.
Okay.
We're all right.
Moving.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Only just noticed.
It's fine! It's fine! You gotta call the vet.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Nobody worry.
There we go.
There we go.
i- See? See? - It's going.
Oh, my gosh.
There we go.
That's just the windshield.
That's not the bird.
The bird, I think, is actually quite sleepy.
I've actually done a show reel.
This will blow you away.
You're givin' me the winkles, mate! You're givin' everyone the winkles.
You're a muppet, and you should be on a register.
Right! Get out, you greasy pedophile! 'Cause we don't wanna see you in here! Yes! Gary has saved the day.
Gary Garner.
Just so you got background on it, I wrote them, and I own the rights to all of the material.
Also I can string that out to be a proper film.
I've got a load of ideas of different things that me and Mickey have done-- T-T-Time out.
Let's-- Let's get into that.
Let-- Let me talk about what I just saw.
Okay? The martial arts stuff was horrible.
It looked bad.
It looked phony.
Well, that was proper-- You were thi s- You were this far away from him.
That's how they do it now.
Don't know-- -Back in the day, when they done all the oldies of Bruce Lee-- -You could have-- it was different, whereas now, the way they film stuff, it's more like that, more Matrix-y.
When you record these things, they have a camera there.
You do the scene.
Then they move the camera, and you do it again.
Uh-huh.
Because when you actually go to cinema and that, it looks like it's all just happenin', but it's not.
Gee, I didn't know that.
I would not, as somebody's representative, show somebody that.
But can I just let you know that the context of it-- and I think that's what you're missing-- is this little dweeb coming to the Horseshoe-- He was drunk, but he was all, like-- It's a true story.
You're not-- You're not listening.
'Cause he was supposed to be more mental, like the guy who did it was more like-- Like all that.
I should use the proper guy with Down's.
That was what the guy had, and he was drunk on top of that.
You're not understanding what I'm trying to relate to you, and obviously-- No, I get it.
I mean-- I'm not relating to what you're saying to me.
- "Use real Down's.
" - No-- I've gotta go.
I've gotta get to work.
Thank you.
Please.
Thank you.
I mean- This is- This is-- This is it.
Can I give you a card? Uh, I've got your picture.
I got your résumé.
Oh, God.
At the Spirited auditions, Shirley anxiously awaits Cleo's decision on the three finalists.
I wanna thank you all, on behalf of Spirited-- Oh, come on.
Give us a chance, please.
- Because I've done-- I did- - - I haven't stopped talking.
Let me talk.
My goodness.
At this time-- She's in charge.
Please give her the opportunity-- Is that Antony? We know everyone wants you to go, so bloody hope you get going.
At this time-- Sicko.
- Uh, Tom-- - What? Got through? No.
People-- He shouldn't get through-- Could you please let me finish talking? This is people who have to go home right now.
Oh, brilliant! Oh, sorry, Tom.
What a shame.
So who's staying right now is Davida, Robin and Shirley.
Oh, yes! - The rest, I wanna thank you for coming-- See, you shouldn't be talking.
Shut you up, Tom, didn't it? Fuckin' stupid Antony.
Got more bloody psychic capability in my little finger than he has in his whole bloody body.
Didn't I tell you that? It was me and you? The reason that I think that it's between me and you is that we're the best-looking people here.
What's Davida? A pig? She looks very Jewish with red hair.
Right.
I know exactly what you mean.
There's something in this.
Did you put something in the water? Tastes different.
No.
What did I drink, Shirley? Nothing.
Just-- I don't know.
Just don't operate machinery.
Oh, shhhh-- Kiki! Hello.
Hello.
I'm sorry, all right? I should never have transported a bird on the bloody roof rack.
No, I know.
It wasn't - It wasn't your fault.
I mean, you know, accides happen.
It just flew off.
It just flew off.
It fucking flew off.
I know.
The guy at the zoo knew how you were gonna transport it, right? He didn't? - I'm a moron.
I just get these-- I get these massive, uh, opportunities and I just screw 'em up.
You need to kick back and relax a little bit.
What am I gonna do for an ending? What's the ending? Give me an ending.
There must be something in that little head of yours.
Should we-- Can we release the condor? Should-- Yeah.
You know? How? How? What we doing? Pretend we're letting it loose.
Okay, um-- So, Kiki, no lower than here.
- Yes.
Can you keep the camera up? Yeah.
No, up, so we're gonna dip down-- No.
That's it.
That- Can you- Don't go below here.
I think you should go get the condor.
Okay.
Okay? - Yep.
It's waking up again.
- Yeah, it is.
I went and got it-- Oh, fuck.
I went and-- I went and got it from the van, and now it's-- Okay.
We-- woken up again, when I was dragging it.
Listen.
Come on, baby.
I'll unzip it.
Okay.
Come on.
Look, look, look.
Look.
Come on.
Uh, would you say something? Yeah.
I've actually got some poems that have been written, and I thought it'd be nice to read one of those.
This was written by Kiki.
"I don't care that they eat dead things.
"I like their feathers and I like their wings.
"They could eat babies for all I care.
"I like their eyeballs and their hair.
"So if you don't like them, go away.
I am in a condor mood today.
" Oh, that's nice.
Thanks, Kiki.
One, two, three! Oh, look! Look! Look.
- It's soaring through the sky! - It's happy.
Playing.
We saved it.
Yep.
We did good.
Meanwhile, the Spirited finalists make their way to the oldest film stage in Hollywood, in search of paranormal activity.
What else is there? I need to know now, Chico.
Get on the bloody computer.
Now! Could you please turn off your phone? Yes.
It's off.
But I'm also seeing a lot of pain and emotional, so I don't know if it's the people-- Would you shush over there, please, whoever's talking, 'cause I've got something coming through.
Oh, fuck! Uh, 1950.
I am getting 1950.
Can you please shush over there, because I'm talking! Who would understand Charlie Chaplin, 'cause this is what I'm gettin'.
That's what I'm getting.
Do you understand? Oh, I understand perfectly.
It's either Charlie Chaplin or Hitler.
So what else, you guys-- We're doing a little powwow, the three of you, and compare notes about what you pick here.
Okay.
Come on, girls.
What did you find? Now, Davida felt, uh, a young, male spirit, right? No.
I felt a female crying over ther e-- No.
No.
No.
That's not what you got, but that's what I got.
Your turn.
Shirley.
All right.
So now we're gonna get the facts, not the fiction.
Okay, what they're saying to me, Davida and Robin, is this studio was built in 1914.
Now, that's quite precise.
Can we check that, please? Keep going.
Shushy! Wow.
Do not shush me! No, listen to me, Cleo, 'cause I am the host of the show-- You're not the host of the show yet, so do not say "Listen to me.
" Do not talk to me like this.
Right.
You're the stage manager.
- I am not your stage manager-- - And can we cut there, please? I've just had an e-mail in from a Bob in Seattle that says, "Well done, Shirley.
Everything's going great.
" And he's really enjoying the show.
There's no show right now! We're just trying to-- I'm feeling the show.
I'm trying to do the show-- It's just the fact that you were on the phone that kind of kills your whole psychic ability right now.
I was not on the phone, Rob.
- It doesn't matter.
Is that a little smug? Did someone's smug alarm gone off? Davida? You're a pain in the ass.
You have alienated the hell out of everyone, and you tried to play games and min d-screw everybody! That is so awful to put me-- Aw.
Are you gonna cry now? Because you did to me! No.
You were saying something-- No, 'cause you're gonna put me down like that! It's not fair! Do not raise your voice.
Right, well, it-- Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh e- She just raised her voice! She just raised her voice.
How old are you, 12 and a half? Well, she just raised her voice.
This is high school? "This is high school?" Yo.
It's not gonna work, okay? "Yo.
It's not gonna work, okay?" Okay, you know what? We're done for today.
"Okay, you know what?" All right.
That's a wrap.
Everybody go home.
No.
No.
Can I just finish what I'm saying? No.
We're done.
If you do not put me in this show, I will kill myself.
Do not threaten me.
I'm threatening you, Cleo! Shut the hell up.
I will kill myself.
Close the door! I'm gonna call the police immediately if you don't close the door.
Please, Cleo.
Shirley-- You're making yourself look really bad.
I just want a chance! I want a chance! I wanna be on the bloody show! I just wanna be on the show! I wanna be the head of the bloody Spirited! I wanna be on Spirited! I wanna be on Spirited! You know security's comin' right now, right? Yeah.
They're gonna arrest me if I go back to England.
Well, you should be arrested.
You spiked my drink! They're gonna do a lot worse than that when I get back to England, all right, because of the little girl! I just wanted to give the parents closure.
And she was-- Chico! - Calm down.
Tell these people, Chico, to give me a chance.
Okay.
I talked to the lady and she say there no more chances.
You need to calm down.
Will you hold me? Just hold me.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
You need to calm down.
- Calm down.
- I love you, Chico.
Tomorrow's gonna be another day.