Legends of Chamberlain Heights (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 All right, my nigs.
It's time to get our game face on.
We got to go hard in the paint.
Straight to the hole.
And remember, whoever gets the most digits at the end of the day wins.
Let the Hoe-lympics begin.
[music.]
What's up, girl? You can call me Fannie Mae, 'cause I'ma take a loan out on that ass.
Uh, that's your game? You need to take out a loan and buy yourself a chest.
Your nipples are touching.
[laughing.]
What up, mamacita? You want to see my El Chapo? Hey, you're pretty cute for a white boy.
White boy? I'm light-skinded.
[laughs.]
[blows raspberry.]
You know that ratchet-ass Negro over there? I don't know that sugar baby over there.
Hey, Milk, check this out, man.
- "She just gave me some "head.
" - Mm-mm.
[laughs.]
Hey, you giving the game a black eye, Jamal.
[slurping.]
I can't believe we ain't get no play.
All these bitches be stuck up and shit.
[plays toy whistle.]
[lively music.]
Hello, hello Ooh, ooh, ooh I'm not giving up.
I'ma go holler at Cindy right quick.
[music.]
- What up, girl? - What are those?! [crowd laughs.]
Come on, snap! New booty's got them old Starburys on now! I'm posting this shit.
[laughs.]
[cell phone dings.]
Ah, I got them.
[phones chiming.]
[crowd laughs.]
[theme song plays.]
1x03 - Come Out to Plaz Damn, homey, Randy put you on blast all over Vine.
- Let them busters talk.
- Aye, yo, [bleep.]
this, man.
It's time for a sneaker-vention, my dude.
Your stank shoe game is messing with our reps.
Yeah, even "Free Lunch" Leroy is clowning you, and he wears cleats to school.
Ya'll trippin'.
My Starburys is vintage.
Popeye Jones rocked these.
A'ight, that's it.
Show him, Jamal.
Cindy retweeted Randy's video, my nig.
- And she also left a comment.
- Damn, a smiley face with tears? That's messed up.
Maybe it is time for a change.
Announcer: This year's NAACP Image Awards are brought to you by: Shackles Footwear.
[man singing blues.]
I gots it.
I gots it! [music intensifies.]
[whiplash.]
[yelling.]
Shackles.
They're off the chain.
All: Oh, shit! That's it, my nigs.
That's how I'ma get my street credit back.
I got to cop me some Shackles.
Uh-oh, Malik's coming.
We haven't made no money all day.
He's going to be mad, homes.
Ah, what a wonderful day to be black, my brown and yellow brothers.
Now what them pockets do? Sorry, it's a little slow out here.
All we got is Chiclets and a nug of sativa.
You know what? Don't even trip.
Just charge it to the game.
Seriously? You okay with Chicwits? - Did you take nap? - Well, if you're gonna pry, I have a play date tonight.
Her name is Ebony.
I met her on blackpowerplanet.
org.
Ugh, girls' booties got cooties.
[laughs.]
Nah, Rodrigo, this one's cool.
She's very respected in the activist community.
Check out her page.
Ooh, that's a powerful black fist, my man.
Take her to Chuck E.
Cheese.
My cousin, Little Spider, he does security there.
Nah, man.
We're going to a Black Panther Party party tonight.
That reminds me, I got to go to the dry cleaners and pick up my suit.
Peace out, Cub Scouts.
All right, Grover, I got you all set up.
Shackles is already in the cart.
As soon as 10:00 a.
m.
hits, they yours.
All you got to do is put in Milk's credit card number.
6234-1234-3859.
Your tab's getting mad fat, homey.
Last week I had to get a water heater for your family.
Man, you know I got you when I go league.
They going on sale in three, two, one.
[clicks.]
[buzzer.]
Shit, they sold out.
I got this.
Let's go to that Black search engine, YooHoo.
That's where I get all my flavored sunflower seeds.
[drawn out.]
Shiiiit.
No luck, my dude.
Where did people buy kicks before the internet? What's Gucci, my zebra? Let me get a pair of your finest Shackles.
Size 10, please.
[laughs.]
Hey, Larry, get a load of this.
This kid thinks he's gonna get Shackles.
Kid, you got a better chance getting laid in this uniform.
[chuckles.]
I gets pussy.
Stall me out.
You ain't gotta come at me like that.
Hold up now I know where I know you from.
You're that stanky Starbury kid from the Gram.
Selfie! [camera snaps.]
This is some bullshit.
I ain't gonna keep getting played.
Don't trip, homey.
It'll blow over.
But enough about foreign policy.
Mr.
President, more importantly, what did you think of that video of the kid with the Starburys? Well, I-I just have one question for him, and that's, uh, what are those?! [crowd laughs.]
I got to get those Shackles, bruh.
You gotta have a hook up.
Please, my high school rep depends on it.
Sorry, kid.
Your best bet is to find someone grimy who has a plug.
Get off the couch, you stupid, lazy, small-dick loser.
You wanna stop smoking that dirt weed with seeds in it? It's easy.
If I was you, I would kill myself.
[bleep.]
you.
College.
[inhales.]
That's real talk, though.
What up, 'Trel? I need your help.
Nigga, I told you, I ain't yo daddy, and yo daddy ain't my daddy.
Stop telling me that.
Look, I need you to help me - cop some Shackles.
You got any plugs? - Oh, little bro want to step his sneaker game up, huh? I got the hook up, but it's gonna cost you.
- $10.
- Oh, come on 'Trel.
You gonna shake down your own brother? It's just two Lincolns, nigga.
- Damn! - All right, fine.
Break bread, Milk.
Broke ass nig.
[slap.]
Ah! Here's a spot in East Chamberlain.
- Just ask for Pook Pook.
- Thanks, 'Trel.
Yo, if we leave now, we can get back in time for the game tonight.
Yo, you know it get real on the East Side after dark.
Don't end up a hashtag.
I can't wait to see the look on Randy's face when I pull up to the game in my Shackles.
- Coach might even put me in.
- Yeah, my dude.
You're going to be looking fresher than one of Russell Westbrook's man purses.
Man, ya'll need to be worried about getting shanked.
East Chamberlain ain't no joke.
Stop being a little biznitch, Jamal.
Besides, we on Martin Luther King boulevard, so you know we safe.
This is East Chamberlain? Man, they got palm trees, real banks, and not a crackhead in sight.
Hey I can see myself paying child support to a breezy that live over here.
All right, remember kids, last bus is at 7:00.
[hip-hop beat.]
[music.]
What the hell is this? I thought I was the only one getting the hook up.
It's only a few hours till tipoff, and you know I need to get my pregame meal.
Don't trip.
I bet the line will move fast.
[ominous music.]
- Aye, who got next? - 'Bout time.
Ya'll stay here.
Hey, these dudes look harder than my dick after watching that Caitlyn Jenner show.
- Now, that's a MILF.
- Man, they seem a'ight.
Peep game.
Yo, I'm Jamal, and this is my boy, Milk.
We from Chamberlain Heights.
- I like your J's.
- Bitch, you don't know me.
[bleep.]
you and [bleep.]
my shoes.
Yo, I copped the last pair.
Legend! - Aw.
[growling.]
- Oh, shit.
[alarm buzzes.]
- [panting.]
Hold up! - Ay, come on, homey! - Oh, shit, that's the last one.
- I'm Gubering.
Location: East 101 Chamberlain Heights.
[drawn out.]
Shiiiit.
Aw, damn.
We on our own.
Well, I think we got bigger problems look! Bring ya'll little asses over here.
Let's cut through that alley.
[all panting.]
[text tone.]
[romantic music.]
All right, Huey, wish me luck.
They coming, hide! Aye, big caa.
I'm a killer and all, but I don't mess with dead people.
I think they're gone.
Let's bounce.
Aye, get your hand outta my crack, Jamal.
You getting close to my chili ring.
- That's not my hand.
- It's not mine, either.
[yelling.]
My bad, that is my hand.
I'm just scared, my nigs.
[bleep.]
this.
Milk, call your mom.
- I ain't got no bars.
- Shit, me neither.
How we gonna get all the way back to CH before the game? Ooh, I know how to get to the subway.
Follow me, my nigs.
[howling.]
- I think we lost them.
- I'm not letting any punk asses from Chamberlain Heights get away.
Put the word out, those Shackles don't leave East Chaim.
Well, all right, now.
The Thugs just put out a proclamation.
Those Shackles don't leave East Chaim.
So if you three squares from Chamberlain Heights are listening, you better watch your back, 'cause you're bound to get jacked.
- Man, this street looks grimy.
- Oh, shit, a dead prostitute.
Damn, she look kinda smashable.
I wonder if that plumbing still work.
[laughing.]
Yeah, these mother[bleep.]
ers - is dry and riedel.
- Shalom, bitch.
Oh, shit, we just rolled up on a set.
Yo, this is Shalom Avenue Rydaz territory, partna! Yeah, l'chaim mother[bleep.]
er! Challah at ya boy.
I'm a step-Jew.
Lemme handle this.
Look, homey, we didn't mean to roll up like this.
We just tryin' to get back to Chamberlain Heights.
Chamberlain Heights, huh? You know you gotta pay a little street tax, right? Come on, man.
How you finna play me like that? I'm part of the tribe, too.
You know that Holocaust thing? I believe that shit could really happen.
Aye, yo, get the Shackles.
[both grunting.]
- Aye, man.
- Aye, why don't y'all do something before the Inglourious Basterds smoke us.
Not so fast.
[gasping.]
- All: Whoa! - What are you doing? Aye, back away, homey, or it's "Sorry Ms.
Jackson.
" Aye, come on, man.
That's one of them new 20s.
Yo, cool down, he's barely had - a chance to live.
- Don't do anything stupid.
- Let's talk about this.
- Grab the Shacks.
Mazel teezy, my neezies.
[all panting.]
- Oh, boy, okay.
- Uh, this is not worth it.
[lively music.]
[bluesy trumpet.]
Ah, my Nubian princess.
- Hey, you must be Ebony.
- No, Ebony is over there.
Malik? As-salaam alaikum, my brother.
- Ebony? - My government name is Lindsey.
Is that bean pie for me? It's beautiful.
Yeah, you you ever have one of these? Had 'em? I love 'em! Wow, you're even more handsome than I imagined, Malik.
- And I know what you're thinking.
- You do? Yeah, I'm pretty small for an activist.
Believe me, this petite frame can take a Taser.
Oh yeah, peep this.
I got this one at a Black Lives Matter rally, back when it was cool.
That's nothing.
I got this at Ferguson.
Rubber bullet, 12 gauge.
Go ahead, touch it.
You like that, huh? [bluesy music and singing.]
I love that.
Um, can I get you another Black Power-Ade? I would love one.
How you going to bring a blue-eyed devil to the party? - Race traitor.
- I wonder if brothers know I'm gay.
Hey, I got to step over to the bathroom I'll be white back.
I mean, right black.
I mean, sit tight.
Think, Malik.
Think, think, think.
You need somebody who's had experience with girls.
[water sloshing.]
[cell phone rings.]
Malik? Why you interrupting my spa time? Hey, I'm on a play date with this girl I met on the internet.
- You [bleep.]
yet? - I'm eight.
Aw, man I thought you said you was on a date.
Man, will you shut up and listen? I really, really like this girl.
But there's just one problem.
[whispering.]
She's white.
Oh, I get it.
You've been popping all that black shit, and now you don't want niggas in the 'hood to see you with that yakub.
Yeah, Negro.
What do I do? Aye, yo, tell you what.
Yo take that pink toe to the white part of town.
Ain't nobody going to see you if you go West.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'ma marinate in this Jacuzzi.
[sighs.]
[water bubbles.]
Go, White girl.
[music plays.]
Go, White girl.
Go, White girl.
Go, White girl.
- We here.
- Jamal, where the hell - is the subway? - Right there.
I'm thinking Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki with some SunChips on the side.
What about you? Your chunky ass was talking about getting food? How the hell is this going to help us? [munching.]
[sighs.]
Damn you was right, my dude.
- I do feel better.
- This Spicy Italian is on point.
I told you, my nigs.
I'm going back for a warm cookie.
Ha ha, well, well, well.
The Shalom Avenue Rydaz got gassed again.
But there is still time.
'Cause my favorite sandwich artist, Tina, just dropped that dime that they're making their way up Elm Street.
You might have won that round, but they're on your heels.
But you know the deal.
And shit is about to get real, and those fools kill.
And speaking of kill, I need a killer deal on some Daytons for my Regal.
Why do we have to leave? I was having fun.
If you've been to one Black Panther Party party, you've been to them all.
Besides, you know a brother like to be spontaneous.
Ooh, spontaneous.
Nat Turner was spontaneous.
[sighs.]
[panting.]
Damn, I'm lethargic.
Man, ain't nobody got time for Latin.
Bring yo ass.
Ooh, baby Finally, some East Chain freak-a-leaks.
Damn, she got big titties just like your mom, Milk.
- Ah! [slap.]
- Hey, boys, you look lost.
- Do you need some help? - Yeah, we're trying to get back to Chamberlain Heights.
We're the star players of the basketball team.
- We Legends, baby.
- Aye, we need to bounce.
- Our game starts in a hour.
- Really, I was just about to head over there.
My name is Ellen, um I can give you guys a ride.
I just have to take a hot shower first.
My boobs are really dirty.
You want to come in? [hip-hop music.]
These are some of my friends.
This is Tegan and that's Sarah.
Oh, my God.
Hey, what's in the bag, cutie? Oh, these? I just copped the new Shackles.
Wow, lucky boy.
You can't find those anywhere.
Mmm, there's nothing hotter than a guy who spends more money on shoes than I do.
Do you guys like older women? Hell, yeah high school girls are so inexperienced.
I ain't been able to find a breezy who can take the whole nine yet.
All right, well why don't you guys make yourselves more comfortable? We're going to go prepare our vaginas.
Then we'll get this party started.
[mellow music plays.]
Looks like these freaks wanna smash.
Good thing I brought these.
Aye, yo, I call dibs on Ellen.
- I think we had a connection.
- Nah, homey, she mine.
- You can have sloppies.
[music.]
- Man, I always get sloppies.
'Cause you a sloppy dude.
That's what you deserve.
You see when I came in the door she was - breaking her neck at me.
- She breaking it - looking at me, homey.
- Oh, come on, dude.
The WNBA doesn't have any fans.
[thud.]
Oh, shit.
We gotta get out of here.
So, you the punk asses who scored the last pair of Shackles, huh? I need those for my collection.
Who the hell is you supposed to be? That's my girlfriend, Big-Knee Grinder.
You think you can just roll up on our set like this? Hold up, y'all in the game? LSB.
L Street Bleeders.
We rule this hood with an iron dildo.
Now hand the Shacks over.
Hey, look, there's a sale at Home Depot.
Huh? Where? [intense music.]
Get them niggas! [exciting music.]
[engine revs.]
[clattering.]
Legends, come out to plaa-aay.
Legends, come out to plaaa-aay! All right, my dudes.
We have to be very, very quiet.
Not even a [fart.]
[brakes screech.]
Ew, did one of y'all queef? [sniffs.]
Is that Sweet Onion Teriyaki? [sniffs.]
And a warm cookie? - He's over here.
- Oh, shit, here she comes.
Let's bounce.
[music.]
[all grunting.]
- Got ya! - Grover, Milk, come on, man! - Help me! - Get the Shackles.
Don't let them take me, my nigs! Oh, shit! What do I do? - I'm sure Jamal's fine.
- Yeah, what's the worst that can happen? Wow, check out that sweet mid-range jump shot.
Beautiful bounce pass.
Layup.
Layup.
Layup [helicopter whirring.]
Oh, shit.
Is that what I think it is? Aye, that better not be a mirage.
- It's a bitch ass hipster.
- Hell yeah.
That's what I'm talking about, broski.
- That mean we out the hood.
- I've never been happier to see a guy in tight pants and a mustache.
- Aw, yeah.
- Whoo, we back - in Chamberlain, homey.
- I can't believe you took me to a Wes Anderson movie.
I love Wes Anderson movies.
Really? You slept through the whole thing.
- I thought you would enjoy it.
- Why? I was busy watching "Django" on my iPhone.
Can we do something fun, now? Something with some action? There's a lot of action on this side of town.
- We can find something to get into.
- That's what's up.
[chains rattling.]
How they feel, my dude? [sniffs.]
Whoever said, "Money can't buy happiness," ain't never had a pair of Shackles on they feet.
Let's see Randy's bitch ass clown on these.
Yo, there go one time.
Let's see if we can get a ride.
Maybe we can still make the game.
[siren wails.]
- Hey, you kids okay? - Thank God, Officer.
Can you give us a ride back to CH? Our basketball game's starting.
What are you guys doing in East Chamberlain? We went there to get these new sneakers.
We've been running from bangers trying to jack us all night.
Well, I'm glad you're all right.
Hey, are those Shackles? Those look like a size 10, son.
- I wear a 10.
- Oh, shit.
Well, the L Street Bleeders muffed it again.
But for our three little warriors, that wasn't the end.
They juked and they jived like brave little nigs.
But you can't escape the worst gang of them all, those Goddamn dirty ass mother[bleep.]
in' pigs.
- How about this? - Are you serious? - Hockey, Malik? - Come on, it'll be fun.
We'll take two tickets for the game, please.
There's no hockey tonight.
It's the grand opening of "Kendrick Lamar Presents: Boyz n the Hood on Ice" - Oh, now this we can do! - Wait, is that Grover's little brother over there? And with a white girl, too, though? Aye, somebody call up CNN and tell them we got a jumper.
[laughter.]
It's getting late.
Um, let let's call it a night.
All right, enough.
What the [bleep.]
- is wrong with you, nigga? - Wha? You took me away from the Black Panther Party party to go to the whitest part of town to see a sorry-ass Wes Anderson movie.
And then you try to sell me on a hockey game? But hold up, though.
Did you just call me a "nigga"? You know what? I'm sorry.
I was expecting to meet Malcolm X, and I got "Malcolm in the Middle.
" - Ouch.
- Look, Malik, you're just not the guy I fell in love with on the internet yesterday.
- We're just two different people.
- How are we different? - We like all the same things.
- No, we don't.
Good-bye.
I hope you find your blackness, Malik.
[mwah.]
[frustrated grumbling.]
[thud.]
[audience laughter.]
[panting.]
Man, coach is going to kill us.
Sorry we missed the game, Coach.
We have a good excuse, I swear.
You mother[bleep.]
ers was gone? Shit, I ain't even noticed.
Oh, shit, is that Jamal? What's he doing in the game? 'Cause it's a blowout, mother[bleep.]
ers.
Somebody's gotta collect the garbage time, so the players that do matter don't get hurt, you dumb mother[bleep.]
ers.
Okay, now now that "dumb mother[bleep.]
er" might have been unnecessary.
Damn, when did fat boy get his fundamentals down? Layup.
Oh, shit, I scored.
I have statistics! [buzzer.]
Jamal, how the hell did you get here? My boo, Big-Knee, gave me a ride.
Her cousin play on the other team, and, you know, she helped me step my game up with some sweet WNBA skills.
Aye, those girls got balls.
Good job, Jamal.
Your first points of the year.
I'm so proud of you.
I almost had a pair of Shackles today, Cindy.
Oh, okay, uh, I'll just tell you about it later.
I'm a legend, my nigs.
Hey, how did your play date with Ebony go? - I don't want to talk about it.
- Uh, sound like - no love connection, esé.
- Do you want me to bully her on Facebook until she kill herself? Nah, let her live.
Love is a complicated thing.
Both: Yeah.
Anyway, now back to this money.
All these sad white people out here, and all y'all got is Chiclets in your pockets? Man, y'all better get to stepping and go get my paper.
Shiiiit.
[beeps.]
[sighs.]
What's up, my nig? Sorry about ditching you tonight.
You wanna get down on some grub? Nah, sorry, homies.
I already made plans with my new friends.
Yeah, we going out for Mexican.
For some reason, they really love fish tacos.
[engine revs.]
[tires screech.]
Damn, today was a big ass dookie burger with cheese.
Yeah, I don't think going after these kicks was worth it.
I guess it doesn't pay to be a slave to the shoe game.
I'm just glad this night is finally over.
[laughs.]
What are those?! [mellow R&B music.]
I gots it.
I gots it! [soul music.]
[crowd yelling.]
Shackles! They're off the chain!