Lemon La Vida Loca (2012) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 Hello.
My name's Keith Lemon.
Welcome to my reality show.
'I'm Keith Lemon, the host of TV shows such as Celebrity Juice and Lemonaid.
' 'I'm even about to star in my own film.
' 'I've been given my own reality show, so you'll get to know the real me.
' Watch this! 'That's Rosie, me girlfriend, who has just moved in with me.
' I wanna finger-blast her now but I won't because we're on camera.
'Stay tuned to get exclusive access to me incredible lifestyle.
' It's lavish, in't it? 'This is me, Keith Lemon, laid bare.
' What you doing? Oh, my God! Get out of the bathroom! 'House-hunting was exciting.
' Oh, yes.
It's around six million.
What about if we loaned the house whilst I'm on this reality show? Your life is ridiculous.
Oh! Yeah! Like you.
Like you, too.
Mark.
Are you gonna make me do a hard workout? Depends how hard you wanna work! I'm just looking at costumes for when me and Rosie have movie night.
I'm looking at a Spider-Man costume.
Even the less deluxe costume is pretty good.
One of the best things about living together is movie nights! I love movie night.
Do you like these costumes? These are good ones, aren't they? Yeah.
That were 51 quid.
I don't know why yours has got that zip, though.
Huh? That.
It's so if I need a wee.
My favourite movie-night costume is me Iron Man costumer.
Is it? I like Superman and Superwoman.
You lost your cape, didn't you? Yeah.
I had to wear a pink towel.
I don't think we had cameras when we did Basic Instinct.
I was Michael Douglas! I were Sharon Stone.
I did that and shoved me ham sandwich The fingers in the mouth, as well.
Yeah! You haven't washed them so don't do it.
Rosie! Are you in t'bath? Ah, skip it.
I'm not bothered.
I'll have cameras come in.
Keith, get out! Look at this costume.
Get out! That's the - Get out! I'm in the bath! even if you're taking a dump.
What are you doing? Having a shit.
Oh, my God.
Get out of the bathroom! Get out! Oh, my God, you're gonna have We agreed to do this.
We didn't say, "You can come and have a shit when I'm in the bath!" Yeah, but it's real.
Can Keep it real, Rosie, like in real life.
We all take a shit, don't we? Even the Queen takes a shit.
Out.
But I need to show you these.
You can show me later, can't you? Oh, for Chr I can't believe it.
You can't put that on TV, so why are you filming it? They just blur it.
They just blur it out, don't they? Pixelate it.
I don't even think we're there yet! I don't think I'm ready to watch you take a shit! Stop watching me, then! Stop having a shit while I'm having a bath! I only wanted to show you the costumes! Shut the door! Flaming 'eck.
I'll get you Incredible 'Ulk, then! We don't have to take our Clothes off To have a good time, oh, no We can dance and party All night What you doing? I'm doing stuff for you.
Am I not gonna be on a TV show or anything? Today? Yeah.
No.
You've got a day off.
What shall we do? Write your book.
You've not got much left! I'm not feeling like I wanna write me book, though! I'm not writing me book.
I'm not in t'mood to do book stuff.
I'll just wind her up, cos in real reality shows they always have a bit of drama, they have an argument.
I can't find t'computer.
I've told you where it is.
It's not there.
It is.
It in't.
You must've moved it.
Why do you keep moving me stuff? I don't.
I don't move your stuff! I know.
This is the problem, you see.
I'm not used to living with someone.
Why are you Why are you trying to start an argument? I'm not.
You just keep moving my stuff! I felt bad, acting like a dick-splat.
I knew what you were doing, so don't feel bad.
You knew I was playing up? Of course.
You didn't.
I did.
You didn't.
I did.
You didn't.
I did.
You didn't.
I did.
You didn't.
I did.
This is ridiculous.
I'll go and have another look.
OK.
Looked good, didn't it? It looked good.
Watch.
What shall I say? Watch.
Why are you trying to control me and change me? You do me 'ead in! And you know what? You've got loads of moles! I was a bit harsh when I said that about your moles.
You were! That's how reality shows are made.
That's not reality.
If you pretend to have a fight, that's not a reality show.
I was being real and keeping it real.
You have got a lot of moles.
You are a moley bastard! You have put on a bit of weight recently.
You've got fat, as well! That You fat, moley bastard! Just get out of the kitchen, all right? Yeah.
No, I won't! To be frank and pacific, you've put a bit of timber on, as well.
You're letting yourself go.
Are you doing it again? Yeah, I am.
Just joking.
I don't think this is a good joke.
Just a joke.
Just for drama.
I don't really think you've got loads of moles.
I was winding you up for t'camera.
I know, but Shall we go for a bike ride? Yeah.
I right like you.
I like you.
Let's not do that again, cos it went a bit far, didn't it? But it looked ace for t'camera.
Have you seen me, Rosie? Yeah.
Have you seen me going right round? Yeah, it were good.
Are you just gonna keep going round the tree? Eh? Watch me go round.
Yeah, it's good.
Oof! Me nads! Best BMXer in Leeds.
Can we go out for a ride? Out of the drive? Come on, then.
OK.
Come on! I'm coming! Come on! Eeeh! We nearly got halfway to Leeds that day.
We didn't.
We did.
We didn't get very far.
Mmm Oh, yeah.
It was really We went a long way.
Yeah.
It was like t'Tour de France.
Fun! I'm not doing that again.
You were still bored after t'bike ride, weren't you? I was still bored.
I suppose this is one of those moments that's really realistic cos, erm there's nowt happening, is there? No.
I never thought we'd be bored.
We've got two BMXs Mm.
We've got bananas on tap in t'kitchen.
We can eat bananas whenever we want, can't we? D'you want a race? OK.
Ready? Yeah.
On your marks, set, go! YES! YEEES! Whoo! Yes! Loser! Huuuuh! I hate it when I've got days off cos it makes me worry that it's gonna be a boring show.
Well, that's reality, though.
I know, but I don't want it to be Is this bit boring, me asking? Talking about how boring it is.
This is probably more boring than the boring bits.
The sun goes down The star comes out This is gonna be the most boring reality show that's ever been on telly.
What shall we do? Shall I phone Mad Paul and see if he wants to come over? Is he a celebrity? No, he's a real person.
Why Why is he called Mad Paul? Oh-eh-eh, Eh-ooh, eh-ooh Eh-ooh, ooh-ooh Oh-eh-eh, Eh-ooh, eh-ooh Eh-ooh, ooh-ooh I'm going to Sainsbury's Eh-ooh, ooh Oh-eh-eh, Eh-ooh, eh-ooh Eh-ooh, ooh-ooh I'm going to Sainsbury's! I like that one.
What's it about? Going to Sainsbury's.
Unfortunately, Mad Paul had to go back to work, so the entertainment value dropped about 26 percent.
Good, in't he, Paul? Yeah.
I hope he gets on X Factor.
He should do, shouldn't he? Boot Camp at least.
Boot Camp, yeah.
What shall we do now? I don't know.
What d'you wanna do? Erm Peter Andre always goes on holiday and does a photoshoot.
I've got to do a calendar, so why don't we see if we can get a free holiday? Yeah, I don't see why not.
Can we go on holiday? Yeah.
YES! We're going abroad! Whoo! I'll go pack! Not yet! We don't know where we're going! Good night, then.
Yeah, night.
You just lied to me this whole time! We decided to do Keith's shoot in Marbella, so we started to look through other people's calendars for inspiration.
I'd like to do that, but there's only one of me and I'm not black.
It's like it's coming out of a space ship.
Or he's farting and blue smoke's coming from his anus.
What's your feelings with me doing summut as provocative as this? I don't mind.
Are you sure? Yeah.
OK.
What about that - looking concerned whilst holding a pole? He looks like he's holding a meeting.
"Hello.
I'm glad you've come.
" "Take no notice I've got no top on.
" Yeah.
His nipples look angry, like they're gonna kill you.
He's got bigger tits than me.
That's more like your boob, innit? Yeah.
Which is your biggest boob, your left or right? I don't know.
I don't know.
That one, I think.
That's your biggest.
Before I shot me calendar, Rosie thought it'd be a good idea if I go down t'gym and get buffed up and look all nice.
Hiya, Tricia! This is Keith.
'Ello.
Nice to meet you.
Keith from Celebrity Juice and Lemonaid and films.
She doesn't need to know that.
Have a good time.
I'll come back for you.
OK.
She does fitness all t'time.
OK.
I don't know anything about fitness.
Any injuries or anything? No.
Er, I've been circumcised.
All right, you'll be fine.
OK.
Lovely.
Keep going.
Perfect.
Control it.
Perfect.
Look at this! Lovely! Pardon my French, but that is a motherf! You're gonna do it again.
Jesus Christ! Feels like I've been wanking for about three hours.
Are you ready? Are you coming onto me? No.
Right.
Ohh! There you go! Try to relax.
It's hurting! Ahh, ya f bastard! You've finished.
How're you feeling? Erm I feel fantastic.
You were amazing.
Thanks.
I thought I was pretty good.
Trisha said that I was a natural athlete and I should go further with doing athletics, but I said I'm happy doing showbusiness.
Hiya! Hiya.
Are you finished? Yeah.
How was it? Yeah, it was good.
Yeah? Do you feel tired? I'm not tired at all.
Are you not? I could've done another hour.
You can if you want.
Nah.
I've got stuff to do.
This is Mark.
Mark, this is Keith.
Hi, Keith.
What was it? Mark.
Mark.
Nice to meet you.
She said, erm, that me physique I didn't really have to come because me physique was good and anyone who's more buffer than I am is probably gay, so, erm Gays look after their body more cos they have to attract other men.
I said I've got nothing against gays, erm, cos me brother's gay.
But she said if you do too much, you look like you scoff cock.
I met Mark, Rosie's personal trainer.
Seemed like a nice enough lad.
I didn't have a problem with him at all.
You look like you're having a good time.
Yeah.
Join us.
I would, it's broken, though.
There's a working one this side.
Yeah, I will.
What, you wanna go for a run? Show us what you've got.
You wanna run now? Yeah.
OK.
Let's do a bit, then.
Crack it up, then.
Crack it up.
How? There? That's the one.
Keep your finger on it.
I will.
That's it.
Good stuff.
Yeah.
Go on.
What are you on, 10-5? 10-5.
I'm on 10-9.
I'm on 11.
I'm on 12.
12.
12.
5.
I did 12.
14.
5.
Yeah.
Go on.
Go.
But if you're tired Good lad.
Keep going.
Yeah.
Just five minutes of that.
Yeah, yeah! Good lad.
Good stuff.
Good stuff.
Go on.
I don't Mark, I think maybe you should turn that down.
You could hurt yourself.
I won't hurt meself.
Go at your own pace.
I am.
This is my pace.
I think, actually, I'm finished anyway, so let's stop, babe.
Let's cool down.
Yeah, let's stop.
Let's cool down.
That's probably enough for us.
I'm tired now.
I'm not that tired, really.
Thanks, Mark.
I'll give you a ring.
Look forward to it.
Good fun.
Lovely to meet you.
No hard feelings, yeah? Not at all.
Take care.
Cheers.
See you next time.
See ya.
He's a wanker.
I was all buffed up! Ready for t'shoot in Marbella! Yes, Marbella! Which is near Turkey, for anyone who doesn't know where it is.
We checked into the hotel and, thankfully, I know a bit of Spanish, so that got us up there quicker.
Hola! What, sorry? Oh, you speak English? Yeah, we're English.
Muy bien! "Wee bee-en".
"Moy bien".
Muy bien! Muy bien.
I'm not Spanish, I just look Spanish.
Cos my skin She said "Yeah, you look very Spanish!" Yeah.
So, you're on holidays? I'm shooting a calendar.
In the UK I'm really famous.
OK.
That's the key! I could tell what she were saying! Thanks.
So we checked out the room.
What was it like? Lovely.
Like Peter Stringfella's spare room! It was amazing.
It's really posh.
That's what I'm talking about, baby! We've got a pole.
I love it.
It's a good view.
Look at that field.
Posh, innit? Yeah, it's nice.
I like it.
Have we got time before dinner? We've got all t'time in t'world.
Come on! The bed was round and all black.
It were gorgeous.
We just had some time together.
It were dead romantic.
We did missionary, we did doggy style, we did wheelbarrow, we did oral, then we finished it off with the teapot ooosh, all over t'place! Rosie, watch this! Eeesh! Keith! Next day we had to shoot the calendar, so Keith had to wear lots and lots and lots of different outfits.
A little bit more behind That's a good one.
Can you see me muscles? Yeah.
When you look forward, just look really determined.
Nice and lean.
There? I'm not really sure about this one.
But I don't wanna say too much because I want him to feel good about himself and sexy, but, erm A little bit more, Keith.
Good.
A little higher! Well, that was the calendar shoot and I think it went terrific.
What was your favourite one? Erm, the matador.
I like the matador.
After the calendar shoot, we had some time to hang out and have a laugh.
It was romantic.
I had a great time.
Cheers, then.
Yeah.
Here's to my calendar being really sexy and people liking it and just to me, I suppose.
Girls up and down the country and gonna love it.
Seriously, Rosie, I don't think I could've pulled it off today if you hadn't been stood by t'side doing thumbs-up, saying "you look like David Beckham" or whoever I looked like in whatever scenario it was.
So I appreciate you coming.
I've laughed more since we moved to London than I think I have in me whole life.
I've got you this gift.
Ooh! And, em, I don't know if you'll like it, but you might like it.
I hope you like it.
It's, erm, a little "R".
Aww! Like I've got a "K" but mine's really big, but I'm probably more important than you.
Don't ruin it.
Just gimme it.
Erm Thank you very much.
I'll be honest with you, a lot of people say, "She's done well for herself with him.
" "She's punching above her weight.
" You should keep that in your brain! But what I wanna say, Rosie, is they're wrong.
It's me who's punching above me weight and I'm really lucky to be able to stick it in you whenever I want.
Yeah.
That's the nicest way I can put it, I think.
I love you.
Thanks.
I, erm, I'd love to go downstairs and let's just continue tonight and see see what happens.
I love to go I'd love Erm, shall we just go and get drunk at t'bar? I think we should go and get very, very drunk.
OK, come on, then.
We'll sup these off, then, first.
Waste of money otherwise, innit? Yep.
Ooh, nice that! Let's go and have a good time downstairs, then.
Yay! You let me say "I love you" and you didn't say anything back! I did.
No, you didn't! So I told Keith I loved him in Marbella, erm, and he didn't say anything back.
Nice to meet you.
And you, babe.
Cheers.
Hello.
Hello.
You all right? There's a lot of nice people here.
Oh, yeah? There.
Nice girls.
I got you some of that, erm, is it champagne wine, like what Omar sang about? Sip a glass of cold Champagne wiiii-ne I don't know the rest of the words, but I think that's what he sang.
Cheers.
Your nails look well.
Have you just had them done? Yeah.
There's a lot of nice people here.
Hello.
Some of 'em look like Kardashians.
Are you all right? Yeah.
You look tidy.
You look good tonight.
You're gonna get lucky tonight.
Oh.
Brilliant.
Eh? Good.
Yep.
Yeah.
Have you ever thought of, erm, having a third person in a scenario? I'm not really in the mood for Yeah, I was just joking.
I'm only joking.
I'm only joking.
Stupid idea.
I think I'm just gonna go to bed.
What for? You'll be all right.
You'll talk to all these girls.
Yeah, OK, then.
Yeah, exactly.
Good night, then.
Yeah, night.
Hello.
Are you all right? How's it going? F off.
On our last night in Marbella, everything started to go a bit wrong.
There's some nice girls down there, in't there? There we go.
Hiya.
Why have you come back? I just felt a bit weird down there by meself.
You should've stayed down there.
Don't you wanna come down? I don't wanna come down and watch you flirt with other girls! I don't know what your problem is.
You've no idea why I'm upset? I just said, I don't know where you're coming from! You let me say "I love you" and you didn't say anything back! I did.
No, you didn't! I did! No, you didn't! I said I like ya.
Watch that telly.
That's a 32-inch! You're driving me mad with this "I like you" shit.
But I do like ya.
Ah, yeah, I feel really touched! You know I can't say it! I move from Leeds and you "like" me! I can't say it! It's definitely worth staying, isn't it? I can't say it.
Why? Because, erm - Because you don't feel it? You don't feel you love me? I didn't say that! You think maybe you can get a better celebrity than me? I like Martine McCutcheon.
Brilliant! I'd give her some TLC.
It's the right time to make a joke! Tender Lemon Cuddles.
Fuck off and go downstairs.
Eh? I'm not in the mood.
I don't want to be filmed.
Why don't you just go back downstairs? Can you please pixelate her face? Why don't you try and shag some girl who thinks you're brilliant cos you're on telly? What's wrong with ya? Stop looking at yourself in the mirror.
It's the heat, it's ruining me hair.
It's going like Santa Claus.
Do you care that I'm upset or are you worried about your hair? I'm a bit worried about my hair, if I'm honest.
Maybe I'll just go back to Leeds, cos my life was a lot better before.
OK.
Yeah? My family were happy with me and they like me, and they didn't think I was going out with a complete dickhead.
That kinda thing, so Don't smile at the cameras! How d'you think I feel? I don't give a shit! You don't, do ya? I don't give a shit! Don't throw shoes.
They're dangerous.
I don't think this is funny.
I didn't laugh, did I? I don't think you're entertaining.
I don't think it makes good TV.
I think it's really entertaining.
Can you go back downstairs? OK.
Why don't you just come down? I don't feel like going out! Why? Go.
All right, then Dramarama.
He's my favourite sound man, him.
F off, then, don't come back! I won't.
Get your own room! You've got my room.
Exactly! Get your own one! D'you know what the shame is, I think, though? I wanted this programme to be right whimsical and fun like Only Way Is Essex, or the Kardashians, or one of those nice, light ones, and she's brought it down like a drama.
She's turned what I would hope to be Coronation Street into EastEnders.
Moronic.
You can't live with 'em, you can't live with 'em, can you? That's amazing, though, innit? Look at that.
I can't remember what happened.
I think we had a fall-out but, erm, I can't remember.
I remember that she said she loved me and that was She may as well have stuck a spike up me arse, it were so shocking.
I have a problem with me emotions.
It's hard to tell someone that.
That's why I've always used code and said "I like you".
I'll say it to her one day.
I will.
That's all I can remember.
Y'all right? Yay! Where you off tonight? Shall we all go, then? Yes.
Come on, then.
Come on.
Have you been here before? Finger-roller? Finger-roller.
Ta-ra, then.
Ta-ra.
Hello.
Y'all right? How's it going? Yeah, wicked.
Yay! Through t'window! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Where did we put t'car? We finally found the car, I got in the car and had a little accident.
I shit me pants and it went everywhere and the production team had to pay a fine.
The whole night was very disappointing, really.
Uhh I had to sleep in t'spare room.
We've not spoken since we got back.
I wanna go home.
If she goes back, it's probably best cos she's doing me head in.
Whoa! Ah, ya fer! Bew I don't care about reality TV shows any more.
I mean, I'm ready to quit it if you wanna quit it.
My name's Keith Lemon.
Welcome to my reality show.
'I'm Keith Lemon, the host of TV shows such as Celebrity Juice and Lemonaid.
' 'I'm even about to star in my own film.
' 'I've been given my own reality show, so you'll get to know the real me.
' Watch this! 'That's Rosie, me girlfriend, who has just moved in with me.
' I wanna finger-blast her now but I won't because we're on camera.
'Stay tuned to get exclusive access to me incredible lifestyle.
' It's lavish, in't it? 'This is me, Keith Lemon, laid bare.
' What you doing? Oh, my God! Get out of the bathroom! 'House-hunting was exciting.
' Oh, yes.
It's around six million.
What about if we loaned the house whilst I'm on this reality show? Your life is ridiculous.
Oh! Yeah! Like you.
Like you, too.
Mark.
Are you gonna make me do a hard workout? Depends how hard you wanna work! I'm just looking at costumes for when me and Rosie have movie night.
I'm looking at a Spider-Man costume.
Even the less deluxe costume is pretty good.
One of the best things about living together is movie nights! I love movie night.
Do you like these costumes? These are good ones, aren't they? Yeah.
That were 51 quid.
I don't know why yours has got that zip, though.
Huh? That.
It's so if I need a wee.
My favourite movie-night costume is me Iron Man costumer.
Is it? I like Superman and Superwoman.
You lost your cape, didn't you? Yeah.
I had to wear a pink towel.
I don't think we had cameras when we did Basic Instinct.
I was Michael Douglas! I were Sharon Stone.
I did that and shoved me ham sandwich The fingers in the mouth, as well.
Yeah! You haven't washed them so don't do it.
Rosie! Are you in t'bath? Ah, skip it.
I'm not bothered.
I'll have cameras come in.
Keith, get out! Look at this costume.
Get out! That's the - Get out! I'm in the bath! even if you're taking a dump.
What are you doing? Having a shit.
Oh, my God.
Get out of the bathroom! Get out! Oh, my God, you're gonna have We agreed to do this.
We didn't say, "You can come and have a shit when I'm in the bath!" Yeah, but it's real.
Can Keep it real, Rosie, like in real life.
We all take a shit, don't we? Even the Queen takes a shit.
Out.
But I need to show you these.
You can show me later, can't you? Oh, for Chr I can't believe it.
You can't put that on TV, so why are you filming it? They just blur it.
They just blur it out, don't they? Pixelate it.
I don't even think we're there yet! I don't think I'm ready to watch you take a shit! Stop watching me, then! Stop having a shit while I'm having a bath! I only wanted to show you the costumes! Shut the door! Flaming 'eck.
I'll get you Incredible 'Ulk, then! We don't have to take our Clothes off To have a good time, oh, no We can dance and party All night What you doing? I'm doing stuff for you.
Am I not gonna be on a TV show or anything? Today? Yeah.
No.
You've got a day off.
What shall we do? Write your book.
You've not got much left! I'm not feeling like I wanna write me book, though! I'm not writing me book.
I'm not in t'mood to do book stuff.
I'll just wind her up, cos in real reality shows they always have a bit of drama, they have an argument.
I can't find t'computer.
I've told you where it is.
It's not there.
It is.
It in't.
You must've moved it.
Why do you keep moving me stuff? I don't.
I don't move your stuff! I know.
This is the problem, you see.
I'm not used to living with someone.
Why are you Why are you trying to start an argument? I'm not.
You just keep moving my stuff! I felt bad, acting like a dick-splat.
I knew what you were doing, so don't feel bad.
You knew I was playing up? Of course.
You didn't.
I did.
You didn't.
I did.
You didn't.
I did.
You didn't.
I did.
You didn't.
I did.
This is ridiculous.
I'll go and have another look.
OK.
Looked good, didn't it? It looked good.
Watch.
What shall I say? Watch.
Why are you trying to control me and change me? You do me 'ead in! And you know what? You've got loads of moles! I was a bit harsh when I said that about your moles.
You were! That's how reality shows are made.
That's not reality.
If you pretend to have a fight, that's not a reality show.
I was being real and keeping it real.
You have got a lot of moles.
You are a moley bastard! You have put on a bit of weight recently.
You've got fat, as well! That You fat, moley bastard! Just get out of the kitchen, all right? Yeah.
No, I won't! To be frank and pacific, you've put a bit of timber on, as well.
You're letting yourself go.
Are you doing it again? Yeah, I am.
Just joking.
I don't think this is a good joke.
Just a joke.
Just for drama.
I don't really think you've got loads of moles.
I was winding you up for t'camera.
I know, but Shall we go for a bike ride? Yeah.
I right like you.
I like you.
Let's not do that again, cos it went a bit far, didn't it? But it looked ace for t'camera.
Have you seen me, Rosie? Yeah.
Have you seen me going right round? Yeah, it were good.
Are you just gonna keep going round the tree? Eh? Watch me go round.
Yeah, it's good.
Oof! Me nads! Best BMXer in Leeds.
Can we go out for a ride? Out of the drive? Come on, then.
OK.
Come on! I'm coming! Come on! Eeeh! We nearly got halfway to Leeds that day.
We didn't.
We did.
We didn't get very far.
Mmm Oh, yeah.
It was really We went a long way.
Yeah.
It was like t'Tour de France.
Fun! I'm not doing that again.
You were still bored after t'bike ride, weren't you? I was still bored.
I suppose this is one of those moments that's really realistic cos, erm there's nowt happening, is there? No.
I never thought we'd be bored.
We've got two BMXs Mm.
We've got bananas on tap in t'kitchen.
We can eat bananas whenever we want, can't we? D'you want a race? OK.
Ready? Yeah.
On your marks, set, go! YES! YEEES! Whoo! Yes! Loser! Huuuuh! I hate it when I've got days off cos it makes me worry that it's gonna be a boring show.
Well, that's reality, though.
I know, but I don't want it to be Is this bit boring, me asking? Talking about how boring it is.
This is probably more boring than the boring bits.
The sun goes down The star comes out This is gonna be the most boring reality show that's ever been on telly.
What shall we do? Shall I phone Mad Paul and see if he wants to come over? Is he a celebrity? No, he's a real person.
Why Why is he called Mad Paul? Oh-eh-eh, Eh-ooh, eh-ooh Eh-ooh, ooh-ooh Oh-eh-eh, Eh-ooh, eh-ooh Eh-ooh, ooh-ooh I'm going to Sainsbury's Eh-ooh, ooh Oh-eh-eh, Eh-ooh, eh-ooh Eh-ooh, ooh-ooh I'm going to Sainsbury's! I like that one.
What's it about? Going to Sainsbury's.
Unfortunately, Mad Paul had to go back to work, so the entertainment value dropped about 26 percent.
Good, in't he, Paul? Yeah.
I hope he gets on X Factor.
He should do, shouldn't he? Boot Camp at least.
Boot Camp, yeah.
What shall we do now? I don't know.
What d'you wanna do? Erm Peter Andre always goes on holiday and does a photoshoot.
I've got to do a calendar, so why don't we see if we can get a free holiday? Yeah, I don't see why not.
Can we go on holiday? Yeah.
YES! We're going abroad! Whoo! I'll go pack! Not yet! We don't know where we're going! Good night, then.
Yeah, night.
You just lied to me this whole time! We decided to do Keith's shoot in Marbella, so we started to look through other people's calendars for inspiration.
I'd like to do that, but there's only one of me and I'm not black.
It's like it's coming out of a space ship.
Or he's farting and blue smoke's coming from his anus.
What's your feelings with me doing summut as provocative as this? I don't mind.
Are you sure? Yeah.
OK.
What about that - looking concerned whilst holding a pole? He looks like he's holding a meeting.
"Hello.
I'm glad you've come.
" "Take no notice I've got no top on.
" Yeah.
His nipples look angry, like they're gonna kill you.
He's got bigger tits than me.
That's more like your boob, innit? Yeah.
Which is your biggest boob, your left or right? I don't know.
I don't know.
That one, I think.
That's your biggest.
Before I shot me calendar, Rosie thought it'd be a good idea if I go down t'gym and get buffed up and look all nice.
Hiya, Tricia! This is Keith.
'Ello.
Nice to meet you.
Keith from Celebrity Juice and Lemonaid and films.
She doesn't need to know that.
Have a good time.
I'll come back for you.
OK.
She does fitness all t'time.
OK.
I don't know anything about fitness.
Any injuries or anything? No.
Er, I've been circumcised.
All right, you'll be fine.
OK.
Lovely.
Keep going.
Perfect.
Control it.
Perfect.
Look at this! Lovely! Pardon my French, but that is a motherf! You're gonna do it again.
Jesus Christ! Feels like I've been wanking for about three hours.
Are you ready? Are you coming onto me? No.
Right.
Ohh! There you go! Try to relax.
It's hurting! Ahh, ya f bastard! You've finished.
How're you feeling? Erm I feel fantastic.
You were amazing.
Thanks.
I thought I was pretty good.
Trisha said that I was a natural athlete and I should go further with doing athletics, but I said I'm happy doing showbusiness.
Hiya! Hiya.
Are you finished? Yeah.
How was it? Yeah, it was good.
Yeah? Do you feel tired? I'm not tired at all.
Are you not? I could've done another hour.
You can if you want.
Nah.
I've got stuff to do.
This is Mark.
Mark, this is Keith.
Hi, Keith.
What was it? Mark.
Mark.
Nice to meet you.
She said, erm, that me physique I didn't really have to come because me physique was good and anyone who's more buffer than I am is probably gay, so, erm Gays look after their body more cos they have to attract other men.
I said I've got nothing against gays, erm, cos me brother's gay.
But she said if you do too much, you look like you scoff cock.
I met Mark, Rosie's personal trainer.
Seemed like a nice enough lad.
I didn't have a problem with him at all.
You look like you're having a good time.
Yeah.
Join us.
I would, it's broken, though.
There's a working one this side.
Yeah, I will.
What, you wanna go for a run? Show us what you've got.
You wanna run now? Yeah.
OK.
Let's do a bit, then.
Crack it up, then.
Crack it up.
How? There? That's the one.
Keep your finger on it.
I will.
That's it.
Good stuff.
Yeah.
Go on.
What are you on, 10-5? 10-5.
I'm on 10-9.
I'm on 11.
I'm on 12.
12.
12.
5.
I did 12.
14.
5.
Yeah.
Go on.
Go.
But if you're tired Good lad.
Keep going.
Yeah.
Just five minutes of that.
Yeah, yeah! Good lad.
Good stuff.
Good stuff.
Go on.
I don't Mark, I think maybe you should turn that down.
You could hurt yourself.
I won't hurt meself.
Go at your own pace.
I am.
This is my pace.
I think, actually, I'm finished anyway, so let's stop, babe.
Let's cool down.
Yeah, let's stop.
Let's cool down.
That's probably enough for us.
I'm tired now.
I'm not that tired, really.
Thanks, Mark.
I'll give you a ring.
Look forward to it.
Good fun.
Lovely to meet you.
No hard feelings, yeah? Not at all.
Take care.
Cheers.
See you next time.
See ya.
He's a wanker.
I was all buffed up! Ready for t'shoot in Marbella! Yes, Marbella! Which is near Turkey, for anyone who doesn't know where it is.
We checked into the hotel and, thankfully, I know a bit of Spanish, so that got us up there quicker.
Hola! What, sorry? Oh, you speak English? Yeah, we're English.
Muy bien! "Wee bee-en".
"Moy bien".
Muy bien! Muy bien.
I'm not Spanish, I just look Spanish.
Cos my skin She said "Yeah, you look very Spanish!" Yeah.
So, you're on holidays? I'm shooting a calendar.
In the UK I'm really famous.
OK.
That's the key! I could tell what she were saying! Thanks.
So we checked out the room.
What was it like? Lovely.
Like Peter Stringfella's spare room! It was amazing.
It's really posh.
That's what I'm talking about, baby! We've got a pole.
I love it.
It's a good view.
Look at that field.
Posh, innit? Yeah, it's nice.
I like it.
Have we got time before dinner? We've got all t'time in t'world.
Come on! The bed was round and all black.
It were gorgeous.
We just had some time together.
It were dead romantic.
We did missionary, we did doggy style, we did wheelbarrow, we did oral, then we finished it off with the teapot ooosh, all over t'place! Rosie, watch this! Eeesh! Keith! Next day we had to shoot the calendar, so Keith had to wear lots and lots and lots of different outfits.
A little bit more behind That's a good one.
Can you see me muscles? Yeah.
When you look forward, just look really determined.
Nice and lean.
There? I'm not really sure about this one.
But I don't wanna say too much because I want him to feel good about himself and sexy, but, erm A little bit more, Keith.
Good.
A little higher! Well, that was the calendar shoot and I think it went terrific.
What was your favourite one? Erm, the matador.
I like the matador.
After the calendar shoot, we had some time to hang out and have a laugh.
It was romantic.
I had a great time.
Cheers, then.
Yeah.
Here's to my calendar being really sexy and people liking it and just to me, I suppose.
Girls up and down the country and gonna love it.
Seriously, Rosie, I don't think I could've pulled it off today if you hadn't been stood by t'side doing thumbs-up, saying "you look like David Beckham" or whoever I looked like in whatever scenario it was.
So I appreciate you coming.
I've laughed more since we moved to London than I think I have in me whole life.
I've got you this gift.
Ooh! And, em, I don't know if you'll like it, but you might like it.
I hope you like it.
It's, erm, a little "R".
Aww! Like I've got a "K" but mine's really big, but I'm probably more important than you.
Don't ruin it.
Just gimme it.
Erm Thank you very much.
I'll be honest with you, a lot of people say, "She's done well for herself with him.
" "She's punching above her weight.
" You should keep that in your brain! But what I wanna say, Rosie, is they're wrong.
It's me who's punching above me weight and I'm really lucky to be able to stick it in you whenever I want.
Yeah.
That's the nicest way I can put it, I think.
I love you.
Thanks.
I, erm, I'd love to go downstairs and let's just continue tonight and see see what happens.
I love to go I'd love Erm, shall we just go and get drunk at t'bar? I think we should go and get very, very drunk.
OK, come on, then.
We'll sup these off, then, first.
Waste of money otherwise, innit? Yep.
Ooh, nice that! Let's go and have a good time downstairs, then.
Yay! You let me say "I love you" and you didn't say anything back! I did.
No, you didn't! So I told Keith I loved him in Marbella, erm, and he didn't say anything back.
Nice to meet you.
And you, babe.
Cheers.
Hello.
Hello.
You all right? There's a lot of nice people here.
Oh, yeah? There.
Nice girls.
I got you some of that, erm, is it champagne wine, like what Omar sang about? Sip a glass of cold Champagne wiiii-ne I don't know the rest of the words, but I think that's what he sang.
Cheers.
Your nails look well.
Have you just had them done? Yeah.
There's a lot of nice people here.
Hello.
Some of 'em look like Kardashians.
Are you all right? Yeah.
You look tidy.
You look good tonight.
You're gonna get lucky tonight.
Oh.
Brilliant.
Eh? Good.
Yep.
Yeah.
Have you ever thought of, erm, having a third person in a scenario? I'm not really in the mood for Yeah, I was just joking.
I'm only joking.
I'm only joking.
Stupid idea.
I think I'm just gonna go to bed.
What for? You'll be all right.
You'll talk to all these girls.
Yeah, OK, then.
Yeah, exactly.
Good night, then.
Yeah, night.
Hello.
Are you all right? How's it going? F off.
On our last night in Marbella, everything started to go a bit wrong.
There's some nice girls down there, in't there? There we go.
Hiya.
Why have you come back? I just felt a bit weird down there by meself.
You should've stayed down there.
Don't you wanna come down? I don't wanna come down and watch you flirt with other girls! I don't know what your problem is.
You've no idea why I'm upset? I just said, I don't know where you're coming from! You let me say "I love you" and you didn't say anything back! I did.
No, you didn't! I did! No, you didn't! I said I like ya.
Watch that telly.
That's a 32-inch! You're driving me mad with this "I like you" shit.
But I do like ya.
Ah, yeah, I feel really touched! You know I can't say it! I move from Leeds and you "like" me! I can't say it! It's definitely worth staying, isn't it? I can't say it.
Why? Because, erm - Because you don't feel it? You don't feel you love me? I didn't say that! You think maybe you can get a better celebrity than me? I like Martine McCutcheon.
Brilliant! I'd give her some TLC.
It's the right time to make a joke! Tender Lemon Cuddles.
Fuck off and go downstairs.
Eh? I'm not in the mood.
I don't want to be filmed.
Why don't you just go back downstairs? Can you please pixelate her face? Why don't you try and shag some girl who thinks you're brilliant cos you're on telly? What's wrong with ya? Stop looking at yourself in the mirror.
It's the heat, it's ruining me hair.
It's going like Santa Claus.
Do you care that I'm upset or are you worried about your hair? I'm a bit worried about my hair, if I'm honest.
Maybe I'll just go back to Leeds, cos my life was a lot better before.
OK.
Yeah? My family were happy with me and they like me, and they didn't think I was going out with a complete dickhead.
That kinda thing, so Don't smile at the cameras! How d'you think I feel? I don't give a shit! You don't, do ya? I don't give a shit! Don't throw shoes.
They're dangerous.
I don't think this is funny.
I didn't laugh, did I? I don't think you're entertaining.
I don't think it makes good TV.
I think it's really entertaining.
Can you go back downstairs? OK.
Why don't you just come down? I don't feel like going out! Why? Go.
All right, then Dramarama.
He's my favourite sound man, him.
F off, then, don't come back! I won't.
Get your own room! You've got my room.
Exactly! Get your own one! D'you know what the shame is, I think, though? I wanted this programme to be right whimsical and fun like Only Way Is Essex, or the Kardashians, or one of those nice, light ones, and she's brought it down like a drama.
She's turned what I would hope to be Coronation Street into EastEnders.
Moronic.
You can't live with 'em, you can't live with 'em, can you? That's amazing, though, innit? Look at that.
I can't remember what happened.
I think we had a fall-out but, erm, I can't remember.
I remember that she said she loved me and that was She may as well have stuck a spike up me arse, it were so shocking.
I have a problem with me emotions.
It's hard to tell someone that.
That's why I've always used code and said "I like you".
I'll say it to her one day.
I will.
That's all I can remember.
Y'all right? Yay! Where you off tonight? Shall we all go, then? Yes.
Come on, then.
Come on.
Have you been here before? Finger-roller? Finger-roller.
Ta-ra, then.
Ta-ra.
Hello.
Y'all right? How's it going? Yeah, wicked.
Yay! Through t'window! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Where did we put t'car? We finally found the car, I got in the car and had a little accident.
I shit me pants and it went everywhere and the production team had to pay a fine.
The whole night was very disappointing, really.
Uhh I had to sleep in t'spare room.
We've not spoken since we got back.
I wanna go home.
If she goes back, it's probably best cos she's doing me head in.
Whoa! Ah, ya fer! Bew I don't care about reality TV shows any more.
I mean, I'm ready to quit it if you wanna quit it.