Let's Get Physical (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
What's in the Box?
1 Previously on Let's Get Physical: That's how we win Dad's money, with unexpected dancers like those two.
Please, Mr.
Cross, don't cut me.
Looking for dancers! I'm going to the Metrix to steal some of Barry's dancers.
I know you're not a Metrix robot.
Why don't you dance for us? If we don't get this loan, we can't pay our team and they're going to quit.
Well, this has been our family bank since you were in diapers.
Just don't say a word, and don't look so sweaty.
Can't help it.
I get nervous in banks and schools.
So many papers, so many rules.
(LAUGHING) I don't even know where to start.
There are small children with more credit history than you.
Have you ever had a checking account, a salary of any kind, a phone bill? I'm a performer.
I live off of tips, and a complex bartering system with my fellow service-industry colleagues.
And I, uh, buy my cellphones at gas stations, because they have great deals and, uh, sandwiches.
How is my financial standing? It's worse than your son's.
You already have a business loan, and multiple lines of credit that your husband stopped paying off years ago.
I want to see the skeletons in your closet! Back in the '90s, I, uh I tried to start a lingerie line for the military wives.
It was called Classified Secrets, and these would be the business plans, and some photos of me that you might not want to see.
Yeah, you can burn that.
Just burn it and shred it.
Shred it, then burn it.
I don't want to see it.
Okay.
I'm only a banker, not a therapist.
(LAUGHS) We can't give you a business loan, and because you've been overdrawn for months, I'm forced, sorry for that choice of word, to close your accounts.
But first we'll need to clear out your husband's safety deposit box.
- Uh, excuse me? - I-I didn't realise that he had a safety deposit box.
The Fitness King has gotta work, yeah! What's up, Juan? I come bearing samples! - Who wants cramp bark? It's the shit! - (EXCITED VOICES) Mr.
Cross is here.
BRB.
And don't touch anything.
Mm-mmm.
Peekaboo.
Holy shit, Carol, you are lean and mean! Here's a free pass to Kettle Bell Hell.
- Thank you.
- Keep it going, girl! Gopher! - Dylan, you sonofabitch.
- Hey.
- Pushing too many pencils, Dylan? - Argh! - Okay, okay! (CHUCKLES) - Argh! Hey! Verrrrronica! Congrats on beating your attendants' record.
You and I are gonna be bumping bits later, huh? - Mr.
Cross! - Naughty girl.
I just gave you 20 Met coins for the juice bar.
Do you smell stewed tomatoes? Smells like ketchup and desperation.
Ah! Is that Puffy Joe Force? You know they don't have Coin Star at the bank, right? (LAUGHS) Actually, uh, the reason we're here is because my dad left us something very important in a safe deposit box.
(WHISPERS) We're gonna go get that now.
(JAUNTY MUSIC) What's in the box? The beginning of what? - What is this? - Film.
Janet, Joe, what's in the box? Hi.
Seriously, what's in the box? - Don't worry about it, Barry.
- Oh, come on, give me a little peeky-boo.
Uh-uh-uh, what is it? Um, you know what? I'll tell you how to shed your chin fat.
Is it, uh, fitness memorabilia? Jane Fonda's leg-warmers? What is it? Show me.
Barry, darling, these are priceless family artifacts, and none of your business, so if you don't mind, would you kindly put your fist in your mouth and run into a wall? Good one, J-Rock.
Yeah, go fist your mouth.
What's in the box? Come on! Start the car! Start the car! Start the car! Come on, what's in the box?! Show me what's in the box! Show me what's in the box! Show me!! Ah!! - Let's get physical, physical - (ROCK MUSIC) - Welcome to your first staff meeting.
Now, if anyone speaks, I have given her permission to hurt you.
Wait a second.
You have a scrappy street kid, an ex-con, and a big, beautiful warrior, and for the enforcer, you pick the girl? Ah! Okay, I see your point.
Every day at 9 a.
m.
there will be team practice.
No absences, no excuses.
Regionals are only two weeks away, and we need to perfect our routine.
Once we place in regionals, we will go on to the aerobics finals.
Then we will only have one month in which to prepare all-new routines.
Am I understood? (COUGHING) Hell yeah.
Um, I'm gonna need every Tuesday off.
Got this regular paying Craigslist gig.
Guy pays me a cool hundo every week.
What? Nah, it ain't like that.
He just gets me to dress up in a Little League uniform and play catch with him in the park.
- Oh, my God.
- Well, I need money, okay? Janet's up here talking about routines.
We haven't even gotten a paycheck yet.
Confiscate his drug paraphernalia.
No, no, no, no.
That's my ice-cream cake vape.
I need that so I don't smoke weed up in here.
Fine! I don't even want it.
Just go back to eating gummy-bear edibles.
- That's all I can afford.
- Okay, everybody, let's just calm down.
The Colonel has left us a little gift that's probably worth something.
All we gotta do is figure out what's on these and No.
And then find out a way to sell them Uh-uh.
And then we all get paid.
Don't let those little darlings get dirty whilst you examine them.
Just (PULSATING MUSIC) Oh.
Barry, why aren't you practicing with your team? (MUMBLING) Barry, what the hell's going on? - What's in the box? - (QUIETLY) Oh, my God Uh, what box? The Colonel left Joe a safety deposit box.
What's in it? Never-before-seen aerobics moves? Training techniques they can use to defeat us? (EXHALING SLOWLY) Woosa give me that.
Do you remember your rivalry with Billy Blanks? Yes, yes.
I created Wooey Cross to outsell his stupid Tae Bo DVDs.
I moved to Thailand to train with a kickboxing master.
Who ended up being a crazy old man who got you hooked on betel nut and made you clean his shack for six months.
Do you remember what happened then? I drifted from shanty town to shanty town, stowed away on a pirate vessel.
I did things I'm not proud of.
Survived on papaya rinds and rainwater.
Do you remember what happened then? You rented a helicopter and rescued me.
You have hyper-competitive personality disorder.
It's my job to protect you from yourself.
Brush your teeth, go find your team, and I will head over to Fitness by Force.
No! I've got a better idea.
I'll find my team, then brush my teeth.
You head over to Fitness By Force.
Together, we're invincible! (ROCK MUSIC) Okay.
Oh, God.
What are we looking for again? A projector, so we can watch those reels.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, look, I know the Force is our fam and everything now, but I don't think we can rely on 'em for a payday.
Facts.
Alright, we need to run a side hustle out the gift shop so we can make some extra chips.
Maybe something like this? Colonel Force's Health and Fitness Inventions.
- What do we got here? - Hey, check it out.
Give it a jack, it'll kill your plaque.
It's the shaky, shaky brush.
Shaky, shaky, brush, brush.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, like this! - - The Snacks Compactor.
- - Oh! (LAUGHING) I mean it ain't stealing if he's dead, right? That's how I got my first pager.
Exactly, I should know.
I'll make it and you hype it.
50/50.
Huh? (LAUGHTER) - Ah! - Hey, check it out.
It's my dick.
Now I'm humping cavities.
Humping cavities in the butt! Ya! Ya! Take that! Ha-ha.
Put it away.
Is that a bloody gash? It looks like some kind of surgery.
Was the Colonel a doctor too? Kind of.
When he was in the military, he spent a decade doing creepy science experiments on the human body, and then once - Holy shit.
- What? Oh, I know what this is! Of course! My dad had this crazy theory.
If you did the right kind of movements, then it would improve your like, inner system.
So the reels are? The beginning of aerobics! This could be worth a lot of money.
Yeah! Aerobics is the cornerstone of the entire fitness industry! Ah, that's how we sell it.
A piece of history.
We should auction it off to the G8.
You really think a tomato-juice company's gonna want to buy this? Come on.
No, dummy, the G8 are the top eight national gym franchises.
- Oh.
- Yoo-hoo! I want to make a deal.
You need money for so many reasons, and I need my husband to stop obsessing over what's in that box, so it's a win/win.
- Um - Well, Claudia, if you'd like to purchase these items, then you can bid on them at our auction with the G8.
- Wait, what if we sell right now? - No.
Shut up.
Okay.
This is bigger than the Metrix.
Joe, just take the offer.
You don't want to play hardball with me.
Hardball, Foosball, platform diving, name it.
I'll take you and your husband down.
Okay, um, breathing room.
You do realize she's highly unstable.
This is between you two right now.
Well, you can keep your pet.
We have plenty of them at our gym.
I guess we'll see you at the auction.
(WHISPERED) Really happy we fired you.
Guess we're having an auction.
(ROCK MUSIC) - (FUNKY JAZZY MUSIC) - Welcome, gym owners, to the Force Fitness special auction.
Our presentation, the Beginning of Aerobics, will start in one minute.
Mom! Stop! Not in front of the other gym owners.
I can't believe it, but I think I'm actually proud of you.
- Aw - No.
Heh-heh.
(GROANING) Yeah.
Enough, enough.
You're sweating on my perfume.
So, uh, break a leg today, darling.
Uh, the theatrical break, not the drunken stage-fall break.
Stop! Alright, baby, time for the grand opening.
- Snacks! - Yeah, baby, come on.
Alright, hocus-pocus, come on now.
(BEEPING AND WHIRRING) - Come on the money.
Ah-ha-ah - Snack, snack, snack, snack, snack, snack! Everybody! Ooh! Bros.
We call it the Snacks Compactor.
- Yeah.
- Featuring Clarence.
Bros, you all gotta try this! Mm! (LAUGHTER) Somebody say make money, money, make money, money, money! Make money, money, money! Make money, money! Come on, let's have you.
Can I get you a Snacks bar? - We have vanilla - Attention, gym owners.
Please take your seats for a special presentation of our auction items.
The Beginning of Aerobics.
We have better set design on our sex tapes.
In the beginning, there were smokers and fatties.
Then one man changed everything, and that man was Colonel Tom Force.
Before Joe's dad became a fitness guru, he spent over a decade doing all these fancy science experiments on astronaut lungs and military hearts.
It's like a community-theater production in a halfway house.
And even though the Colonel's workouts were backed by research, U.
S.
soldiers didn't like 'em, because they said they were too feminine.
Oh, hell no.
But my father did not give up.
Instead, he turned his focus on the American public.
He used his research to create and publish his first book, Aerobics with Force.
And along came a graduate dance student named Jackie Sorenson.
Tina looks too happy.
Have our members flood her social media with unflattering emojis.
She read the Colonel's book, combined his exercises with her love of music, and aerobics as we know it was born.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Under the guidance of the Colonel, Jackie taught aerobics to the military wives, and they freaking loved it.
And so aerobics fever spread from the military bases to the community centers.
Then a woman named Jane Fonda built an all-female aerobics gym in Los Angeles.
She was approached by a producer, and together they created the first home-fitness video, and a billion-dollar industry was born.
Looks like the Colonel was forced out of that deal! Ya! - (LAUGHTER) - Ladies and gentlemen of the G8, today you have a chance to buy a piece of history never before seen by the public.
I present to you The Beginning of Aerobics! (AUDIENCE GASPING AND MURMURING) The footage that launched a movement, the research that built an industry.
- Yeah! - (APPLAUSE) Yeah! - Alright! - Whoo! The bidding will commence momentarily.
Oh - Oh! Mm! - Mm.
Thanks.
(SIGHING) Hey, you can't be back here.
Oh, mm, well, here we are.
I'm impressed, GI-Joe.
You managed to bring all the top gym chains under one roof.
Wouldn't it be a shame if these powerful franchises found out that your father put up $8 million to the winning gym of this year's aerobics finals? Honey, what do you suppose they would do if they found out? I think they'd probably create super teams with their top members and then crush you.
That's what I would do.
That's what we're doing.
Yeah, but if there's more people in the competition, then it's harder for you to win our money.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a dollar for what's in the box, or I will blow your $8-million secret.
(CACKLING) Looks like you've been blowing squid.
(CLAUDIA LAUGHING) Excuse me! - I have some big news to share.
- Uh, sold! - To the Metrix for an undisclosed amount.
- (EXCLAMATIONS) - What?! - No, it was one dollar.
- Ha! Suck it, G8! - One dollar?! - This is bullshit! - But wait! - That is so unethical! - (GENERAL DISSENT) Good luck explaining this one.
You sold all of our hard work and your dad's legacy for one dollar? Guys, being a business owner is very complicated.
There are a lot of moving parts.
Back me up on this, Mom.
No? Okay, fine.
You want to know the real truth? - When my dad died, he also left us - A huge mess, and we're dealing with it privately.
No, the reason that we only fetched a dollar for the footage is that one of you had an assault charge.
Oh, dear, you're all delinquents.
Well, this time, it would be you, Tina.
She choked Barry, and he was gonna throw the book at her, so we had to sell to him otherwise, she would've been disqualified or even arrested.
I'm so sorry, everyone, for letting you down.
It just felt so good to watch the air leave Barry's body.
Well, you're with Fitness by Force now, and we take care of our own.
But, of course, the bad news is, we-we can't pay you just yet.
(QUIRKY MUSIC) Oh, my man.
It is upsetting how easily you can lie, Mom.
They deserve to know the truth.
Do you really think I'm going to let you give away my money? If it were your money, you'd have it right now.
Can I borrow 20 bucks for gas? (UP-TEMPO MUSIC) Honey, sit down.
It took an entire day to find someone who can convert these files to video.
$5000 later Money is no object, my queen.
This could be a game-changer for the Metrix.
We could create super-humans for the NFL, the military, Dancing With the Stars! Here we are, the beginning of a new era.
This is the game-changer.
Maybe the Colonel was creating super-athlete mutants.
He's like the original Professor Xavier.
- Okay, Janet - (JANET SCREAMING) That's that's the mother.
Eyes on target, deep breath.
Our son is almost here.
- No, no! No! No! - Oh! Okay.
- Deliver the payload.
- I hate you! - Oh, t-t-turn it off! - (BABY CRYING) These files cost a lot of money to convert.
You know, Sloppy Joe is gonna pay for this! I will go, because I want you to stay out of jail.
What am I supposed to do? Keep bouncing.
Everything you touch falls apart, literally.
You're like a contagious virus.
The airborne patient zero of cluster[BLEEP.]
s.
Yeah, but how do I turn that skill into money? The footage of your birth.
- The beginning.
- Mmm.
Oh, the beginning of my life! Right.
Oh, that means Ah You saw my mom's vagina.
Oh! Ah, it's been a week.
(LAUGHING) These are the video files we had converted for $5000.
We're gonna need to be paid back.
I have one dollar to my name, and you know where that came from.
Hand it over.
Okay.
Cha-ching.
Nice doing business with you, Mr.
Force.
(SIGHS) Business.
Oh, holy shit.
Hey, Claudia? Wait, wait, wait! Claudia! I have an idea.
Oh, I already don't like it.
If the Metrix wins the aerobics finals, - then you win $8 million.
- Correct.
But if I win, you get nothing.
- Also correct, but highly improbable.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
What if I could guarantee that you walk away with $4 million, no matter what? You and me.
Business partners.
I will sell you half of Fitness by Force for 50 grand.
Why would I do that? Because you can't pass up a good deal.
Four million on 50 grand.
That's like hedging your bets.
And a live audience does have a soft spot for a loveable underdog loser.
(GROANS) But as much as I'd like to take advantage of you - Please do.
Anytime.
- financially it's not gonna happen.
- Just let me know.
Seriously, whenever.
- Not, physically, - that won't happen.
Please stop.
- Okay.
Just let me know.
You're right.
That's a calculated risk the Metrix could definitely take.
Oh, whoa, no.
Not the Metrix, just you.
This is a secret deal between you and I.
Well, the Metrix, Barry and I are a unit.
For now.
Oh, I see what this is.
No.
No, Claudia.
Barry is unraveling.
You will lose.
If you help me out right now, I swear I will never tell another soul.
And then you won't be responsible for my sad, slow, eventual death at a Mexican-Irish dive bar.
Stop that.
I already hate the part of me that feels bad for you.
If you help me out right now, I promise I will leave you alone for a while.
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC) - Okay, Janet.
- (JANET SCREAMING) - Deep breath.
Our son - (JANET SCREAMING) Oh, I got the checks, I got the checks I got the checks.
Yeah! I got the checks! Are you gonna tell us how you got this money? Come on, we're Fitness by Force.
We take care of our own, huh? Alright, let's go practice.
I gotta admit, Joe, I really didn't think you'd come through on this.
- Oh, thank you.
- Speaking of coming through, my man, your birth was something to behold.
We're not gonna speak of that again, okay? - Let's practice.
- Yeah.
Let's do it to it.
Ice-cream cake vape, where are you at, baby? Huh? Vape pen, vape pen.
Ah, boomshalaka, there you are.
Alright, Joseph, you sit right there.
Are you ready, son? This is a never-before-seen aerobics move that I want to share with you.
I call it the F16 Tomcat.
Someday it will be all yours.
(BREATHING AND GRUNTING) That shit's for real.
And that's how it's done, my boy.
Guys!! Come back now!! On the next Let's Get Physical: Dr.
Arnold, he's the first and last name in aerobics attire.
He invented Lycra.
This feels like a very unnecessary step in the whole process.
Which one of us is the doctor who invented Lycra? - You - (POWER SHUTTING DOWN) - Goddammit.
- Hello, Mr.
Cross.
Shall we play a game?
Please, Mr.
Cross, don't cut me.
Looking for dancers! I'm going to the Metrix to steal some of Barry's dancers.
I know you're not a Metrix robot.
Why don't you dance for us? If we don't get this loan, we can't pay our team and they're going to quit.
Well, this has been our family bank since you were in diapers.
Just don't say a word, and don't look so sweaty.
Can't help it.
I get nervous in banks and schools.
So many papers, so many rules.
(LAUGHING) I don't even know where to start.
There are small children with more credit history than you.
Have you ever had a checking account, a salary of any kind, a phone bill? I'm a performer.
I live off of tips, and a complex bartering system with my fellow service-industry colleagues.
And I, uh, buy my cellphones at gas stations, because they have great deals and, uh, sandwiches.
How is my financial standing? It's worse than your son's.
You already have a business loan, and multiple lines of credit that your husband stopped paying off years ago.
I want to see the skeletons in your closet! Back in the '90s, I, uh I tried to start a lingerie line for the military wives.
It was called Classified Secrets, and these would be the business plans, and some photos of me that you might not want to see.
Yeah, you can burn that.
Just burn it and shred it.
Shred it, then burn it.
I don't want to see it.
Okay.
I'm only a banker, not a therapist.
(LAUGHS) We can't give you a business loan, and because you've been overdrawn for months, I'm forced, sorry for that choice of word, to close your accounts.
But first we'll need to clear out your husband's safety deposit box.
- Uh, excuse me? - I-I didn't realise that he had a safety deposit box.
The Fitness King has gotta work, yeah! What's up, Juan? I come bearing samples! - Who wants cramp bark? It's the shit! - (EXCITED VOICES) Mr.
Cross is here.
BRB.
And don't touch anything.
Mm-mmm.
Peekaboo.
Holy shit, Carol, you are lean and mean! Here's a free pass to Kettle Bell Hell.
- Thank you.
- Keep it going, girl! Gopher! - Dylan, you sonofabitch.
- Hey.
- Pushing too many pencils, Dylan? - Argh! - Okay, okay! (CHUCKLES) - Argh! Hey! Verrrrronica! Congrats on beating your attendants' record.
You and I are gonna be bumping bits later, huh? - Mr.
Cross! - Naughty girl.
I just gave you 20 Met coins for the juice bar.
Do you smell stewed tomatoes? Smells like ketchup and desperation.
Ah! Is that Puffy Joe Force? You know they don't have Coin Star at the bank, right? (LAUGHS) Actually, uh, the reason we're here is because my dad left us something very important in a safe deposit box.
(WHISPERS) We're gonna go get that now.
(JAUNTY MUSIC) What's in the box? The beginning of what? - What is this? - Film.
Janet, Joe, what's in the box? Hi.
Seriously, what's in the box? - Don't worry about it, Barry.
- Oh, come on, give me a little peeky-boo.
Uh-uh-uh, what is it? Um, you know what? I'll tell you how to shed your chin fat.
Is it, uh, fitness memorabilia? Jane Fonda's leg-warmers? What is it? Show me.
Barry, darling, these are priceless family artifacts, and none of your business, so if you don't mind, would you kindly put your fist in your mouth and run into a wall? Good one, J-Rock.
Yeah, go fist your mouth.
What's in the box? Come on! Start the car! Start the car! Start the car! Come on, what's in the box?! Show me what's in the box! Show me what's in the box! Show me!! Ah!! - Let's get physical, physical - (ROCK MUSIC) - Welcome to your first staff meeting.
Now, if anyone speaks, I have given her permission to hurt you.
Wait a second.
You have a scrappy street kid, an ex-con, and a big, beautiful warrior, and for the enforcer, you pick the girl? Ah! Okay, I see your point.
Every day at 9 a.
m.
there will be team practice.
No absences, no excuses.
Regionals are only two weeks away, and we need to perfect our routine.
Once we place in regionals, we will go on to the aerobics finals.
Then we will only have one month in which to prepare all-new routines.
Am I understood? (COUGHING) Hell yeah.
Um, I'm gonna need every Tuesday off.
Got this regular paying Craigslist gig.
Guy pays me a cool hundo every week.
What? Nah, it ain't like that.
He just gets me to dress up in a Little League uniform and play catch with him in the park.
- Oh, my God.
- Well, I need money, okay? Janet's up here talking about routines.
We haven't even gotten a paycheck yet.
Confiscate his drug paraphernalia.
No, no, no, no.
That's my ice-cream cake vape.
I need that so I don't smoke weed up in here.
Fine! I don't even want it.
Just go back to eating gummy-bear edibles.
- That's all I can afford.
- Okay, everybody, let's just calm down.
The Colonel has left us a little gift that's probably worth something.
All we gotta do is figure out what's on these and No.
And then find out a way to sell them Uh-uh.
And then we all get paid.
Don't let those little darlings get dirty whilst you examine them.
Just (PULSATING MUSIC) Oh.
Barry, why aren't you practicing with your team? (MUMBLING) Barry, what the hell's going on? - What's in the box? - (QUIETLY) Oh, my God Uh, what box? The Colonel left Joe a safety deposit box.
What's in it? Never-before-seen aerobics moves? Training techniques they can use to defeat us? (EXHALING SLOWLY) Woosa give me that.
Do you remember your rivalry with Billy Blanks? Yes, yes.
I created Wooey Cross to outsell his stupid Tae Bo DVDs.
I moved to Thailand to train with a kickboxing master.
Who ended up being a crazy old man who got you hooked on betel nut and made you clean his shack for six months.
Do you remember what happened then? I drifted from shanty town to shanty town, stowed away on a pirate vessel.
I did things I'm not proud of.
Survived on papaya rinds and rainwater.
Do you remember what happened then? You rented a helicopter and rescued me.
You have hyper-competitive personality disorder.
It's my job to protect you from yourself.
Brush your teeth, go find your team, and I will head over to Fitness by Force.
No! I've got a better idea.
I'll find my team, then brush my teeth.
You head over to Fitness By Force.
Together, we're invincible! (ROCK MUSIC) Okay.
Oh, God.
What are we looking for again? A projector, so we can watch those reels.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, look, I know the Force is our fam and everything now, but I don't think we can rely on 'em for a payday.
Facts.
Alright, we need to run a side hustle out the gift shop so we can make some extra chips.
Maybe something like this? Colonel Force's Health and Fitness Inventions.
- What do we got here? - Hey, check it out.
Give it a jack, it'll kill your plaque.
It's the shaky, shaky brush.
Shaky, shaky, brush, brush.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, like this! - - The Snacks Compactor.
- - Oh! (LAUGHING) I mean it ain't stealing if he's dead, right? That's how I got my first pager.
Exactly, I should know.
I'll make it and you hype it.
50/50.
Huh? (LAUGHTER) - Ah! - Hey, check it out.
It's my dick.
Now I'm humping cavities.
Humping cavities in the butt! Ya! Ya! Take that! Ha-ha.
Put it away.
Is that a bloody gash? It looks like some kind of surgery.
Was the Colonel a doctor too? Kind of.
When he was in the military, he spent a decade doing creepy science experiments on the human body, and then once - Holy shit.
- What? Oh, I know what this is! Of course! My dad had this crazy theory.
If you did the right kind of movements, then it would improve your like, inner system.
So the reels are? The beginning of aerobics! This could be worth a lot of money.
Yeah! Aerobics is the cornerstone of the entire fitness industry! Ah, that's how we sell it.
A piece of history.
We should auction it off to the G8.
You really think a tomato-juice company's gonna want to buy this? Come on.
No, dummy, the G8 are the top eight national gym franchises.
- Oh.
- Yoo-hoo! I want to make a deal.
You need money for so many reasons, and I need my husband to stop obsessing over what's in that box, so it's a win/win.
- Um - Well, Claudia, if you'd like to purchase these items, then you can bid on them at our auction with the G8.
- Wait, what if we sell right now? - No.
Shut up.
Okay.
This is bigger than the Metrix.
Joe, just take the offer.
You don't want to play hardball with me.
Hardball, Foosball, platform diving, name it.
I'll take you and your husband down.
Okay, um, breathing room.
You do realize she's highly unstable.
This is between you two right now.
Well, you can keep your pet.
We have plenty of them at our gym.
I guess we'll see you at the auction.
(WHISPERED) Really happy we fired you.
Guess we're having an auction.
(ROCK MUSIC) - (FUNKY JAZZY MUSIC) - Welcome, gym owners, to the Force Fitness special auction.
Our presentation, the Beginning of Aerobics, will start in one minute.
Mom! Stop! Not in front of the other gym owners.
I can't believe it, but I think I'm actually proud of you.
- Aw - No.
Heh-heh.
(GROANING) Yeah.
Enough, enough.
You're sweating on my perfume.
So, uh, break a leg today, darling.
Uh, the theatrical break, not the drunken stage-fall break.
Stop! Alright, baby, time for the grand opening.
- Snacks! - Yeah, baby, come on.
Alright, hocus-pocus, come on now.
(BEEPING AND WHIRRING) - Come on the money.
Ah-ha-ah - Snack, snack, snack, snack, snack, snack! Everybody! Ooh! Bros.
We call it the Snacks Compactor.
- Yeah.
- Featuring Clarence.
Bros, you all gotta try this! Mm! (LAUGHTER) Somebody say make money, money, make money, money, money! Make money, money, money! Make money, money! Come on, let's have you.
Can I get you a Snacks bar? - We have vanilla - Attention, gym owners.
Please take your seats for a special presentation of our auction items.
The Beginning of Aerobics.
We have better set design on our sex tapes.
In the beginning, there were smokers and fatties.
Then one man changed everything, and that man was Colonel Tom Force.
Before Joe's dad became a fitness guru, he spent over a decade doing all these fancy science experiments on astronaut lungs and military hearts.
It's like a community-theater production in a halfway house.
And even though the Colonel's workouts were backed by research, U.
S.
soldiers didn't like 'em, because they said they were too feminine.
Oh, hell no.
But my father did not give up.
Instead, he turned his focus on the American public.
He used his research to create and publish his first book, Aerobics with Force.
And along came a graduate dance student named Jackie Sorenson.
Tina looks too happy.
Have our members flood her social media with unflattering emojis.
She read the Colonel's book, combined his exercises with her love of music, and aerobics as we know it was born.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Under the guidance of the Colonel, Jackie taught aerobics to the military wives, and they freaking loved it.
And so aerobics fever spread from the military bases to the community centers.
Then a woman named Jane Fonda built an all-female aerobics gym in Los Angeles.
She was approached by a producer, and together they created the first home-fitness video, and a billion-dollar industry was born.
Looks like the Colonel was forced out of that deal! Ya! - (LAUGHTER) - Ladies and gentlemen of the G8, today you have a chance to buy a piece of history never before seen by the public.
I present to you The Beginning of Aerobics! (AUDIENCE GASPING AND MURMURING) The footage that launched a movement, the research that built an industry.
- Yeah! - (APPLAUSE) Yeah! - Alright! - Whoo! The bidding will commence momentarily.
Oh - Oh! Mm! - Mm.
Thanks.
(SIGHING) Hey, you can't be back here.
Oh, mm, well, here we are.
I'm impressed, GI-Joe.
You managed to bring all the top gym chains under one roof.
Wouldn't it be a shame if these powerful franchises found out that your father put up $8 million to the winning gym of this year's aerobics finals? Honey, what do you suppose they would do if they found out? I think they'd probably create super teams with their top members and then crush you.
That's what I would do.
That's what we're doing.
Yeah, but if there's more people in the competition, then it's harder for you to win our money.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a dollar for what's in the box, or I will blow your $8-million secret.
(CACKLING) Looks like you've been blowing squid.
(CLAUDIA LAUGHING) Excuse me! - I have some big news to share.
- Uh, sold! - To the Metrix for an undisclosed amount.
- (EXCLAMATIONS) - What?! - No, it was one dollar.
- Ha! Suck it, G8! - One dollar?! - This is bullshit! - But wait! - That is so unethical! - (GENERAL DISSENT) Good luck explaining this one.
You sold all of our hard work and your dad's legacy for one dollar? Guys, being a business owner is very complicated.
There are a lot of moving parts.
Back me up on this, Mom.
No? Okay, fine.
You want to know the real truth? - When my dad died, he also left us - A huge mess, and we're dealing with it privately.
No, the reason that we only fetched a dollar for the footage is that one of you had an assault charge.
Oh, dear, you're all delinquents.
Well, this time, it would be you, Tina.
She choked Barry, and he was gonna throw the book at her, so we had to sell to him otherwise, she would've been disqualified or even arrested.
I'm so sorry, everyone, for letting you down.
It just felt so good to watch the air leave Barry's body.
Well, you're with Fitness by Force now, and we take care of our own.
But, of course, the bad news is, we-we can't pay you just yet.
(QUIRKY MUSIC) Oh, my man.
It is upsetting how easily you can lie, Mom.
They deserve to know the truth.
Do you really think I'm going to let you give away my money? If it were your money, you'd have it right now.
Can I borrow 20 bucks for gas? (UP-TEMPO MUSIC) Honey, sit down.
It took an entire day to find someone who can convert these files to video.
$5000 later Money is no object, my queen.
This could be a game-changer for the Metrix.
We could create super-humans for the NFL, the military, Dancing With the Stars! Here we are, the beginning of a new era.
This is the game-changer.
Maybe the Colonel was creating super-athlete mutants.
He's like the original Professor Xavier.
- Okay, Janet - (JANET SCREAMING) That's that's the mother.
Eyes on target, deep breath.
Our son is almost here.
- No, no! No! No! - Oh! Okay.
- Deliver the payload.
- I hate you! - Oh, t-t-turn it off! - (BABY CRYING) These files cost a lot of money to convert.
You know, Sloppy Joe is gonna pay for this! I will go, because I want you to stay out of jail.
What am I supposed to do? Keep bouncing.
Everything you touch falls apart, literally.
You're like a contagious virus.
The airborne patient zero of cluster[BLEEP.]
s.
Yeah, but how do I turn that skill into money? The footage of your birth.
- The beginning.
- Mmm.
Oh, the beginning of my life! Right.
Oh, that means Ah You saw my mom's vagina.
Oh! Ah, it's been a week.
(LAUGHING) These are the video files we had converted for $5000.
We're gonna need to be paid back.
I have one dollar to my name, and you know where that came from.
Hand it over.
Okay.
Cha-ching.
Nice doing business with you, Mr.
Force.
(SIGHS) Business.
Oh, holy shit.
Hey, Claudia? Wait, wait, wait! Claudia! I have an idea.
Oh, I already don't like it.
If the Metrix wins the aerobics finals, - then you win $8 million.
- Correct.
But if I win, you get nothing.
- Also correct, but highly improbable.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
What if I could guarantee that you walk away with $4 million, no matter what? You and me.
Business partners.
I will sell you half of Fitness by Force for 50 grand.
Why would I do that? Because you can't pass up a good deal.
Four million on 50 grand.
That's like hedging your bets.
And a live audience does have a soft spot for a loveable underdog loser.
(GROANS) But as much as I'd like to take advantage of you - Please do.
Anytime.
- financially it's not gonna happen.
- Just let me know.
Seriously, whenever.
- Not, physically, - that won't happen.
Please stop.
- Okay.
Just let me know.
You're right.
That's a calculated risk the Metrix could definitely take.
Oh, whoa, no.
Not the Metrix, just you.
This is a secret deal between you and I.
Well, the Metrix, Barry and I are a unit.
For now.
Oh, I see what this is.
No.
No, Claudia.
Barry is unraveling.
You will lose.
If you help me out right now, I swear I will never tell another soul.
And then you won't be responsible for my sad, slow, eventual death at a Mexican-Irish dive bar.
Stop that.
I already hate the part of me that feels bad for you.
If you help me out right now, I promise I will leave you alone for a while.
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC) - Okay, Janet.
- (JANET SCREAMING) - Deep breath.
Our son - (JANET SCREAMING) Oh, I got the checks, I got the checks I got the checks.
Yeah! I got the checks! Are you gonna tell us how you got this money? Come on, we're Fitness by Force.
We take care of our own, huh? Alright, let's go practice.
I gotta admit, Joe, I really didn't think you'd come through on this.
- Oh, thank you.
- Speaking of coming through, my man, your birth was something to behold.
We're not gonna speak of that again, okay? - Let's practice.
- Yeah.
Let's do it to it.
Ice-cream cake vape, where are you at, baby? Huh? Vape pen, vape pen.
Ah, boomshalaka, there you are.
Alright, Joseph, you sit right there.
Are you ready, son? This is a never-before-seen aerobics move that I want to share with you.
I call it the F16 Tomcat.
Someday it will be all yours.
(BREATHING AND GRUNTING) That shit's for real.
And that's how it's done, my boy.
Guys!! Come back now!! On the next Let's Get Physical: Dr.
Arnold, he's the first and last name in aerobics attire.
He invented Lycra.
This feels like a very unnecessary step in the whole process.
Which one of us is the doctor who invented Lycra? - You - (POWER SHUTTING DOWN) - Goddammit.
- Hello, Mr.
Cross.
Shall we play a game?