Lexx s01e03 Episode Script

I am the Lexx.
I am the most powerful weapon of destruction in the two universes.
I was grown on the Cluster, which is ruled by His Shadow.
The food was good there.
My captain is Stanley Tweedle.
I blow up planets for him.
Stanley used to be a security guard class 4 on the Cluster, until he became a fugitive.
This fugitive wanted, for immediate termination.
He is my captain now because he got my key from heretics who wanted to steal me.
Take us away from here, take us out past the frontier, take us someplace better!i> But he was the one who took me away.
Stan was helped by Zev of B3K.
She was made into a love slave as punishment for failing to perform her wifely duties.
but things went wrong.
Now she is part Cluster lizard, so sometimes she is not a nice lady.
See ya, lover boy!i> A robot head, 790, got part of the love slave that was meant for her.
I will love you forever He is in my crew too.
Because she is a love slave, Zev likes men.
Hi.
except for Stanley Tweedle.
The only other man on board is Kai, last of the Brunnen G, but he is dead so he can't make Zev happy.
was destroyed by His Shadow and all of his people were killed.
They kept Kai's body and used him as an assassin, Who would you like me to kill? but he got his memory back from a Divine Predecessor, and then he became part of my crew.
The Time Prophet said that Kai would destroy His Shadow's order They will be destroyed at the hands of the Brunnen G.
But that will be hard because his protoblood is running out and he must stay inside a very cold box.
Be certain of your need before you choose to reanimate me.
My crew are afraid of His Shadow, the ruler of the Light Universe.
My priority must now be to end this prophecy! His Shadow wants me back and he wants his Divine Predecessors back too.
But he especially wants Kai destroyed because he is afraid of the prophecy.
Zev, Kai and Stan don't want that.
They took me beyond His Shadow's reach through a fractal core into the Dark Zone, the universe of evil and chaos.
And now we are looking for a new home.
In the Light Universe, I have been darkness.
Perhaps in the Dark Zone, I will be light.
All night by the Zev I lay.
I found her tongue along my casing Licking the dirt away.
STAN: A meat loaf please Lexx, not too spicy, kind of medium spicy, and a few vegetables.
preferably high in fibre.
and a triple chocolate double dipped sweet Cluster fry, and sparkling water.
- That's not quite what I ordered.
- I try my best, Stan.
All aft by the Zev Zev.
All aft by the Zev I lay I felt her tongue Hello out there Oops, ha!.
I'm trying Is there anybody out there? Right This is interesting, right? Love muff - muffin! Love muff - muffin! I picked up an intelligent signal from a remote drone, my sweet sex bomb of luscious love potion.
Why not come and visit the secondary resource planet Klaagia.
Some planets are good.
Other planets are not.
What is a secondary resource planet? Excuse.
We have plenty plenty and more Excuse me.
Yes So if you wanna go by the numbers, we are the sixth planet.
We're almost on a direct line between Marva and Dusak.
but since the war they're all gone so excuse me again Survival is the key.
It's that time again.
Ooh, yuck - I wanna spend my next vacation there.
Credo proprio Methinks you should check us out.
Healthy tourism is always on the menu.
We want more people, people who are fresh.
People are like flowers .
they sprout, they bloom, and then they die.
everything dies in the end, so come on over.
Look at me.
I'm OK.
Ooh, I think it's Do we have a fix on that planet? As you can see, security guard class retard the signal comes from a remote probe, not the planet itself and the recording on the probe did not provide useful information for determining the planet's location.
Well, if you figure out where it is, I wanna make it a candidate for target practice put them out of their misery.
The probe is slow-moving and there are no planets nearby.
They are probably already out of their misery Never too late to blow the place up.
But it might have some food.
I may be hungry Zev - but not that hungry.
We want more people, people who are fresh so come, visit Klaagia.
Food, Lexx! Food, food, food, food, food! We should have tried to find that secondary resource planet Stan.
It's all we've come across so far.
That was weeks ago! I don't care about then! I care about now! All I want is a teeny weeny plate of edible food Lexx.
it's not a lot to ask.
You're a big ship.
and I'm getting really really hungry and I just need something to take the edge off.
OK? - My reserves are - Don't say it again! - I don't wanna hear it! - I am hungry.
If I do not feed, I cannot produce food for you.
But we've gotta do something, I'm starving! We are going to have to find our own food.
Divine Predecessors - it's barbecue time.
Any volunteers? Think about what you are doing - We are a tremendous library of knowledge.
And an excellent source of protein.
Please! eat the sixteenth Shadow, he deserves it.
He baked heretics by the hundreds and served them up at dinner parties.
That's a lie! I never did any such thing! They're all out to get me, they always have been! No, no! Please! Ah! Oh, holy lizards I can't go through with it.
- We have to eat something.
- I know, I know! but they put me off my appetite.
- Time to wake Kai - No! We can't! He's only got a few days of protoblood left.
Kai said wake him if there's a crisis, and this is a crisis.
I think you should get 790.
Look, I've worked cryogenic tubes before this one's not that different.
I'm almost there It's not my fault, I'm not the one that smashed it Is he dead? He has been dead for 2000 years.
No, not alive dead, I mean dead dead Kai? Kai! Kai He's freeze dried Pupils aren't dilating I have to make sure Enough, enough! Admit it Zev, Kai is dead It's over What was that? Listen I don't know Asteroids? I think not, sweet one - Then what? - Planets.
Exploded remains of planets - Did you set a new course? - No! I believe the Lexx is acting on its own - I am very hungry - So are we - Any sign of life down there? - I do not know.
but the surface seems to consist of a degenerative organic material, which should satisfy my nutritional needs What can you tell? Life bearing planets usually emit electromagnetic flux.
except very primitive ones There are no indications of electromagnetic activity on this one If it has organic material, shouldn't it contain life? Maybe it once did I believe it is an orbiting dumpsite used for generalised waste disposal - your basic garbage planet Then I say we waste it - blow it up Why? I have a bad feeling about it.
Besides, I hate garbage Stan.
if the Lexx eats, you eat Besides there's something else we have to do Can't we just bury him out in space? Stanley Tweedle? I despise you So this is like the video benediction they give you before they shove you into the protein bank? No, Stan.
It's more respectful.
On my planet, they bury their dead I wouldn't wanna be left here if I was dead.
When you're dead, you don't care.
So, why are we doing this? Go ahead.
Uh - Kai Uh - thanks for not killing us.
And also for getting us through the fractal core.
we appreciate that, so, uh, thanks .
and I guess in a way it's better now that you are gone, because you did spend most of the last 2000 years killing people Stan! that wasn't really Kai who did all that.
He did, Zev, he killed thousands of people! No.
His Shadow was controlling his body.
Last of the Brunnen G.
Last of the Brunnen G.
- if you were alive - Last of the Brunnen G.
- if you were alive - - I'd want you to be the first man - - I used to want to die but now I want to live.
I think that's because, after meeting you, I realised that people aren't always that bad I feel bad Goodbye Kai - So? - What? Let's get out of here? What's your hurry? The sooner we're back on the Lexx the better I'm gonna feel.
This place gives me the creeps.
We've got our whole lives to spend on the Lexx if you want Stan Look, er it's, er, not good news, what happened but er, we're all we've got now, and we're alive .
- So it's just you and me.
- And me! Yeah.
A man, a woman And a robot head! Stan.
Zev.
Zev and Stan, together The two of us You're right Stan I do need you I need your magic hand, guiding your big ship in the Dark Zone so I can finally find a real man Merda! is there any sign of life on this dump? Clearly this planet was inhabited at one time, honey blossom.
.
During our landing I believe - I mean, I think I observed - Go on - Nothing of importance Tell me! An abandoned habitational structure not far from this position.
But I do not recommend that you go there Ditto.
The sooner we get off this trash heap the better.
Stan.
don't you have any curiosity? Any sense of adventure? Not on this planet Well, I do Carnivores like to explore - it's part of our nature Actually the fool is right, love of loves I recommend we return to the Lexx and stay onboard until it completes its feeding Recommendation ignored It looks like there were a lot of people here once Not any more I saw someone We're landing Zev.
Lexx has been eating for a long time.
I'm sure the galley's working by now There's no reason for us to land What're you doing? Didn't you hear what I just said? Let's go - What are you doing? - Coming? You've got ten minutes only, then I'm outta here Don't you even joke about leaving me behind, Stanley Tweedle Boy, she is so stupid.
- Can you see anything? - Yes.
I can see clearly that we should go back to the moth and return to the Lexx at once.
Overruled.
Zev! Zev! Oh boy, she's really, really stupid Stupid.
- What are they? - Boxes, baby Is this what I think it is? I have no sense of smell.
This is food! It's really good food! I'm going back to the Lexx now! Zev, are you coming or not? It's her own fault I told her I wasn't gonna wait around forever.
Zev!!! I hear something I don't hear anything.
I have enhanced hearing capability I think we are safe I don't know I've got a bad feeling Did you hurt yourself, love gunk? My name is Zev of B3K, number 790.
Ah! Zev! I love you,Zev! I hate you Zev Zev? Where are you Zev? I can't see you, are you OK? Zev! Zev? - 790? - Butter thighs are you all right? I don't know - I think we should go back to the moth.
- With alacrity Sweet sweet shapes.
Long and lean mister.
Trade ya? You're clean You're clean! I'm so happy!! He's clean.
He's clean Hurry.
We're safe now Thanks for helping me out - Who knows you're here? - Besides the guy with the axe, nobody Tu Do you like me? Yeah, I suppose so.
Shh Who are you? Stanley.
Stanley Tweedle.
What are you doing here? I'm looking for one of my crew.
I lost her after she came this way - Your crew? - Yeah, from my ship She was checking this place out after we spotted something from the air What's so funny? Nothing - So, look - Wist.
Wist? can you help me? I can help you Bene.
So what did that guy mean when he said I was clean? I dunno.
- he's crazy.
So what happened here? What do you mean? This planet's a dump just one big garbage dump.
It has no future What about its past? Past? Well, yeah, what was it like before? Delicious Plentiful Things are not clear, I barely remember So, how did, how did you end up here? I was born here Where are your parents? Parents? Family.
Family? You know, like, em, your mother and your father and - you know, cousins and - - Dead.
- Huh? - All dead Oh.
I'm sorry.
Everything dies, Stan.
I'm OK Va bene.
You have any food? Don't you have any food on your ship? well, yeah, usually, but it ran out.
See, it er, it has to eat to make food for us.
- Has to eat? - Yeah, it's living.
Well, you know, mostly living.
A flying bug Really powerful.
Its name is Lexx - A living ship? - Yeah, that's right How do you fly such a vessel? Er, with this.
I put my hand on a special template and I tell it where to go I'm the only one that can fly it.
It's that simple Yes.
It is So - do you have any food? - No.
- No? I thought you said you could help me I can help you.
OK.
What do you eat? I haven't fed in a while Zev! I almost forgot, I gotta go find her Rise Shall we go look for Zev? Huh? Zev? Who's Zev? You're crazy.
Body wake.
Body sleep Zev, Zev, Zev, Zev, Zev, Zev, Zev, Zev! Have you seen Zev? Ah! Hi Snik.
Still alive Fresh body Snik got fresh body - Uh huh.
You ready to play a game? - No, no games.
Snik have body, really.
Prime prime.
Fresh fresh.
We don't want any more of your week old dead rats, thank you.
If you want Pattern, you've gotta play game No, no, it's different.
She's clean she's total clean and alive alive, fresh fresh If there were a fresh body out there Wist would have come round.
Have we seen Wist? No.
So tell me where did you find this wondrous specimen? You - you give me Pattern first You bring us the body first, and then we'll talk Pattern You'll just rip me off - rip me off Look Snik, we're busy here, OK? No, no, no! - stay, stay Snik need Pattern, need Pattern Tell you what cut a piece off and bring it here, and maybe we'll let you have a little Cut a piece.
Snik cut a piece.
What piece? What piece? The head head, moron moron so we can make sure as she's clean clean OK Snik'll bring you head but Snik needs Pattern Sweet sweet shapes, sweet sweet shapes That's the key thing right right Feed feed shapes, feed feed shapes But who is the king tonight? Who is the king tonight? Pattern is the thing, the key thingaling But who is the king of Pattern? I said who is the king, the kingthingaling Who is the king of Pattern? Who is the king of Pattern? Bog is the king, the kingthingaling Bog is the king of Pattern Bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo Bog is the king of Pattern Thank you, Kusak Good luck Feemak Good luck, Kukaru.
Now remember - the house always wins.
Methinks - it's time.
Let the game begin Game, game game game game I like the game.
I just like it I'm a winner, I'm a winner, I'm a winner! No, no! I'm a winner I won a whole.
This is a quarter - a quarter at best Times have changed, Feemak Today, we're making some new rules.
From now on, a whole flask will only be a quarter Yes! New rules day I only lose a quarter cut.
No, Kukaru.
But wholes are quarters - you just said! All you need to know is that the house always wins So what do I lose? - A whole cut! You get a double cut Ah, Bog no no! Who's next? Wist! - it's been forever Bog - Yes darling? - I need Pattern Uh, we have - plenty of that here Don't I know you? - Friend of yours? - Stanley Tweedle.
Tweedlededum - I'm Bog Bog.
Bog bog diggety dog I am the king of this lovely planet.
Welcome home Pattern He will need all of it You'll need all of it, she says Yes.
Why not? why not give him all of our Pattern? I remember! You were on the recording, on the probe We need some more - as a matter of fact, I am brewing some fresh Pattern right now Yeah, yeah - you were the guy, you were saying something about Oh! I can't remember.
So what's this Pattern stuff anyway? I grind it myself I want another spin! I want another game! You have to admire Kukaru He's in good spirits - gleaming with Pattern Spin spin spin spin! Once upon a time a long time ago, we had plenty of Pattern Lots of people.
We were rich - not anymore Less people, less Pattern Of course, you're wondering why, aren't you, Tweedledum? So ask me, why? OK - why? What is the point of the game? What is the point of the game? The point of the game is that there's always another point and another one, and another one, and so on , and so forth The points become dots.
The dots become a line.
The line is part of a bigger circle Why? - the circle of life Kukaru is not screaming because he's afraid to lose his life He's screaming because he's afraid he's not going to get anymore Pattern No.
Not yet Stan All in good time As I expected - not exactly premium But in order to get fresh Pattern sparkling Pattern we need fresh bodies.
Now, that's been a while The last one was - when you were here last, remember? I know where to find a fresh body - Is this your ship? - Oh! no, no, no! This is what we fly in to get there - I want to fly it - No, no, no.
I think Yes, it's a good idea, you should fly it, why not? Well - I like it Snik need something sharp Hello down there Nobody home Stan? I don't get it, he was just dead! I mean, he was alive dead for 2000 years but this time he was dead dead, really - 2000? Is there anybody else on the ship? Oh, yeah Body? Over here - Hiya Snik - No she, she's mine Bye, bye, Snik.
No! no please, Pattern now Snik needs Pattern now Please, don't lock up Snik.
Please, please.
Snik needs Pattern now Now? Now! Now! Pain pain in the brain brain Pattern now! It's gonna be pain pain in the brain brain any second now Ahhh They're so beautiful Spare us, please spare us We are more use to you alive We contain the memories of thousands and can guide you to planets containing treasures beyond your wildest imaginings I like you.
I mean that These brains will make brilliant p-p-Pattern.
These are the days of p-p-plentiful.
Only better Get it off me get it off! Behave yourself Help me, get it off me! - So funny - Get it out! You - you - you - you You - heavenly sort of - brother Get up, get up I say, I say - More! More! Oh, oh, excuse me? Ah yes it's a sweet life, it really can be I'm tickled to death Your worm is your friend OK Please, Pattern, please, Pattern Pattern now! No, can't find no Pattern It's gone back in Yeah.
Brain's gone but I think it weighs about as much as it always did Not alive enough for you, am I? See, what did I tell ya What's your status, Lexx? My nutrition banks are 68% full We can take off right now if you want, yeah Yeah, let's do something - let's go fishing - We're not ready Right ready, we're not ready We too have to feed, before we can travel but soon, darling, soon soon No, no, no, no, Grullek, you don't know anything I know more than you! This one Wrong This one here Loser Zev! Zev? Zev! Zev! Oh, Zev! This is the happiest moment of my existence Silnik! It's that stupid robot head you out in - No, no, I didn't - - I saw you! No, I didn't - Are you OK? - Perfectly.
I'm making this recording in the hope it might be of some use to whoever might find it All the planets in this system, except Klaagia, managed to mutually destroy each other in a trade war Klaagia survived.
I guess because as a garbage planet with a few hundred workers it wasn't a significant target We thought we were OK, until we discovered that the Marvans had infected Klaagia with a type of predator used in the early stages of the war.
The predator is a queen, which uses satellite worms to infect and enslave people by attaching to their brains.
I encountered the queen.
For some reason she didn't kill me, but she scanned me, keeping some sort of image.
I don't know why.
More and more of us are getting infected all the time.
Our situation is getting desperate.
ommander Bog and the others are building a probe to send out for help.
I don't know who to, 'cause I don't think there's anybody left out there.
I think all I can do now is to somehow, some way find the queen again, and kill it.
I know there's not much hope.
I'm probably not alive now.
but it's OK.
Everything dies sometime I guess you found the queen.
This used to be a plentiful planet.
with lots of delicious things to eat.
Do you like me? The dead do not have likes It's OK.
Everything dies Did you learn anything of interest? Some things Do you want to kiss me? As much as I want to kiss anything - I don't understand - You should - You are dead - Everything dies.
Where's the queen? This planet is not delicious anymore.
How can you be stopped? Time will stop me Do you like me? The first perfectly fresh body we've had since forever and you, without my permission, decide to mix it with Snik?! Get her out Grullek, I am really disappointed in you But Boork put the robot head in Let her go Kisses can as kiss kiss can I digeridoo Will you let me go? Yes.
Show me your tongue again Lips of roses My body is perfect It was altered by a machine, into the ultimate female form Silk and honey, milk and cookies If you untie me, I can do anything you want Really? I was designed for love.
I love - riding ponies I can take you anywhere Can you take me home? Yes.
We are home Ah, yes.
I - I have to concentrate Hook her up Stan! Boys! Stan! Stan! Stan! - Do I know her? - Do you know her? Yes, we all do, it's Zev! She came with me on the Lexx and she's clean yeah, clean Zev fresh, clean, we need clean Stan, we should never have come here.
You were right, I was wrong.
- Now please, get your brain back in gear and do something - Yeah, let's do something.
- Er - do you wanna kiss her? - No.
She'll become Pattern.
We need to feed before we go OK, it's clear you're in charge.
Just tell me what you want and let's do - Oh good, brains.
Ah! - The rest - up on the rack - The rack! Pa pa pa pa pa Pattern! When it rains, it pours There - you can even watch Stanley - you do the honours Oh - Come on No, you We need more brains Ah! We're making Pattern history here You see you can't just set the machine and that's it Pattern making is an art Every piece of meat is different.
It has a different personality, a different scent of soul.
The art is the nose that knows the flow goes into the bouquet Balance and counterbalance OK, boys This one's on the house I could really use another blast of Pattern right about now No.
You're the captain Er - yeah.
Well - That's what I call good Pattern Here we go Stan Oh, we forgot the head Ooh, stupid - and the female.
His body release his body We'll blend them all in together Excellent idea .
but then again, you could coarse chop the leftover brains simmer add seepage Excuse me? Then add the female.
then introduce me in slices once they've formed a roux Ask permission to go to the hole.
Go Come, Stanley All right, the hole The hole.
Hole! Hole! Hole! No! The game is to feed.
Would you deny me a future? Oh, yes.
You are not relevant Bye, bye, Wist! Hole! Hole! We thought you were gone Almost The worms revived me with an enzyme to determine whether I was a suitable host Don't tell me you've got a worm too No.
I did not turn out to be alive - so they rejected me They're feeding the queen The queen? Yes.
The worms are no more separate from their queen then your blood cells are from you.
It is not uncommon in nature So the queen is down that hole? Looks like it What is it? Do you know? It is a type of predator What does it want? A new opportunity to eat.
Best part of the day I like the hole too Hey, Stanley.
Ha ha, big Bog dog Che succede? Who are you? Visitors Is it over? Yes.
Yes.
I think you have entered the final stage.
Your worm will eat your brain - I feel it The worm is turning Stan? My mind is full of things but I can't remember.
The circle is complete.
Goodbye Stanley Tweedledee .
.
dum Ah, ok.
Bye Bog! Woo! Hi guys Take Stan back to the Lexx, but you cannot leave But - I think that if we separate Stan from the queen, his worm will kill him, like them The way to save him, is to kill the queen Kai! Bye Kai! Woo! - Come on Stan.
Let's go - Go, yes, yes, makes good sense - Stan, come on - We should go, yeah One for Stanley We cherish you, we thank you Yeah, sure Oh, heaven - Stan, we don't have time for that - I have to, I have to - Stan, come on - I have to Stan, we have to go Stan! Do you like me? When I was little I had to do all sorts of things to survive.
That's just the way it was.
I don't even remember where I came from.
.
I found myself on Klaagia.
and it was delicious and plentiful.
The game is to feed, .
and to feed, you have to adapt - You killed Wist - She tried to kill me The game is over.
- I will kill you - That is not necessary.
Why? I am no longer relevant I do not understand.
It's OK.
Everything dies That's why we have daughters, so life goes on after us That's the key thing You won't kill me Everything dies - Thank you - Nice lady.
We will be eternally grateful to you.
Your every wish will be our command.
Yeah.
I really believe that.
- Stan - Zev! Stan! Lexx - I command you to lift off I have not completed my feeding My reserves are at 93% capacity Lexx! - I command you to immediately lift off - As you request, Stan Bye, Klaagia! I knew you'd come back for me, oh love of loves.
There's something stranger than usual about the waste of protein I know - Hi Zev - Stanley? - we're not leaving without Kai.
There are so many delicious planets out there, with lots of food on the surface, dark, wet, rich inside You slug! You animal! Wist! Ha ha Distress! Distress! - I am being penetrated! - Mamma's home! Whoo! That calls for a smattern of Pattern We are not leaving without Kai You're no match for me, Tweedle, you will do exactly as I say Uh oh! Ah! What is that? Be careful Zev Say hello! Ouch! - Please - if you pull it out I'll die - Pull.
Pull! Zev, please stop It's Pattern time! Stan! something is biting me and it hurts a lot Stan! Stan, I want it off me - Stan? Do you like me? That feels better - Stan! - Zev! - you're alive! Ecstasy times infinity squared Wake up, living man Uh? What's that thing in my neck? - What's that?! - A dead satellite worm This part was attached to your brain It controlled you Can I get sick now? And a quadruple chocolate double dip sweet Cluster fry make it two of 'em - no, gimmee all you got! As you request Stan Can I have chocolate with that too?