Life & Beth (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Slam, da duh duh, da duh duh Let the boys be boys Slam, da duh duh, da duh duh Guess who's got some beer.
Hey, what's up, bro? - Save me one.
- Yeah.
In the gutter one, ghetto running 'em Troublesome, extra double dumb I come to beat 'em, defeat 'em, and mistreat 'em So what if that I'm cheating Now everybody wanna - Hey, Maya.
- Hey, LaVar.
So you're looking very pretty tonight.
I know.
Hey, I got a new shirt.
Fly, right? Mm-hmm.
Anyways, can I talk to you for a second, Liz? - Sure.
- Okay.
So does Beth wanna go on a walk with Bobby? - I'll get back to you.
- Okay.
Mm.
Okay, I need you to remain calm, but Bobby wants to hook up with you.
Wait, what? No, no, no.
You're lying.
What? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, okay.
I told you to remain calm.
This is the most important night of your young life.
Okay, okay.
I'm really nervous.
Does my breath smell? I mean, Maya, will you smell it? Liz is your best friend.
Ask her.
I'm not smelling your mouth.
Are you gonna make out with LaVar? Why would I hook up with LaVar? Because we're the only Black people here? That's not how it works.
Okay, Beth, focus.
We always knew we'd eventually kiss boys.
Bobby is polite.
He plays the clarinet.
- I mean - Yeah, yeah, okay.
- He's so cute.
- So cute.
- So cute.
- He's so cute.
- Wait, wait.
- Guys.
Let the boys be boys, slam So I had an idea of how we could spend more time together.
I am not getting an apartment with you in Manhattan.
No, that's not it.
I was thinking I could come out to Long Island, be closer to you in Queens.
Just for a little while anyway.
- Oh, God, it went that bad? - No, oh, my God.
No, actually, he took the breakup like a total champ, and, uh, now things at work are just, like, really normal.
Um - Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
We're both just being completely adult about it.
Why? And I, uh Well, you've called me more this week than you ever have in your life.
Well, that's because I'm in such a good place.
I just I wanted to share it with you.
So that's why.
But Ann Love you.
Yeah, so I think we'd all appreciate it if you pulled Matt for a chat.
Okay.
Is this "Love Island"? Beth, as you know, I am a child of divorce.
Your parents just got divorced, like, this year, right? Okay, I'm gonna hopefully be transferring out of here soon, so maybe I won't be around to trigger you much longer.
Just go talk to him, Beth.
Can I just have a little of my coffee? - Now.
- Now is good, okay.
- Please.
- I'm going, thank you.
Hey, you know where Matt is? He's on the roof killing himself.
What? He's smoking.
You've driven him to smoke.
Okay, well, he already smoked sometimes.
Can't believe you would do this to him when your mother just died.
I can't even read.
You hear they just found out smoking's good for you? That supposed to be funny? Yeah, it's supposed to be the funniest thing you've ever heard in your whole life.
- Can I have one of those? - No.
What do you think, we're just gonna be friends already? You don't have to be friends with someone to bum a cigarette; complete strangers do that.
It's just such bad timing.
We just got a new comforter.
Yeah, actually, about that, I kind of wanna keep that comforter.
- It's just I paid for it.
- Oh, my God.
- Do I need to get a lawyer? - Come on.
You were the one who asked me out.
I didn't even wanna go out at first.
Noted, six years ago, you didn't want to go out with me.
I think we're gonna be able to be friends a lot faster than you think.
You think you're better than me.
No.
You definitely think you're smarter than me.
Barely.
I knew it.
I knew it.
You know what? You're not.
Who's the highest scoring basketball player of all time? One, two, three.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
You only knew that because I told you.
I know.
Don't know when that's gonna come up again.
Your mom just died.
You don't know what you're doing.
Yes, I do.
Just It's like we were already just friends.
I'm definitely better than you in bed.
Okay.
I didn't know it was gonna go there.
You don't even make a sound.
It's like there's no way of knowing whether you're enjoying it or not.
It's like fucking a dead body.
You fuck dead bodies? You haven't even cried yet.
You don't even think that's a little weird? Okay, sorry I'm not feeling correctly.
Want me to pretend? 'Cause I'm pretending all the time.
See, you don't even sound like yourself.
You're so checked out.
It's like you're not even here.
I don't wanna be here.
I'm gonna try and transfer out.
Okay? I want you to be okay.
I want to be okay.
Matt? There's, um there's, like, a creepy guy at your desk.
Let's just put a pin in this.
We'll circle back to it later.
Murray, I have a really cool idea that I was researching this morning, and I think you might say no, but don't say no.
It could be an excellent opportunity for the company.
So I was thinking I could add a new region to my portfolio.
Listen to this: Long Island.
- No.
- Come on.
Fine, fine.
Tell me more, but not too much more.
I have poke at my desk.
Okay, uh, well, as you know, there are beautiful vineyards on both the South Shore and the North Fork that need representation, and I thought if Carrie could add one of those to their roster, - that we would - Okay.
Let's not get too flashy here, okay, Beth? Look, is all of this because your mother died? Are you gonna weird out on me? No, I'm not gonna weird anybody out.
Okay, good.
Write up a proposal.
I want numbers, okay? Even if they're made up.
Numbers.
Numbers! Numbers.
Maya.
Hey, my mom only has, like, decorative booze.
Can we can Grandpa Don watch him? I don't care.
Anywhere but Kasey's.
Okay, Kasey's.
- Have you seen "Luca"? - I don't watch cartoons.
Oh, that's all I watch, girl, 'cause I can't deal with real life.
What are you doing on your phone? Oh, you know, I signed up for Jew Date.
- JDate? - Jew Date, honey, for me.
They don't know who the hell I am.
They don't know Black women.
They think I'm Lizzo.
I've never dated a Jew.
You know that? - You are a Jew.
- I know.
What you got against your people? Are you allowed to say Jew? - Am I allowed? - Yeah.
I'm Black.
I can say whatever I want.
- Who gonna stop me? - Oh, I don't know.
I didn't know what the rules were now.
Yeah, I love Jews.
We thank you for your support.
Well, you're welcome.
I love everything about the Jews.
Your style, your swag, your dancing around.
You know what I'm saying? Bouncing people around in chairs and stuff like that.
- Oh, yeah.
- You circumcised.
- Yeah.
- I love a circumcised dick.
Mm-hmm, don't put no sweater on my shit.
Mm-mm.
I wanna see it.
I'm personally never dating another guy.
I'm just done.
I'm done with all penisi.
- I'm done with all ballsi.
- I don't even wanna hear it.
This is like you're saying that now, and then in a couple of months, you're gonna shave that bush, and you gonna be back out on the streets.
How do you know I have a bush right now? You got a big bush, I can tell.
I do have, you know, a pretty severe bush going on.
You're barely sitting on that seat.
You're, like, two feet up.
Let me see this.
Can I check this out? Yeah, but take it easy.
Take it easy.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? It's not a speed race.
You're killing potential husbands here.
- Not the guys I just swiped.
- All of them.
What is your swiping criteria? I guess standard, right? Like, I don't care if he got a lazy eye, a baby arm.
I don't care if he had, like, a Siamese twin that didn't get attached and died at birth who's just hanging there like a little raisin in the sun.
I just need somebody to, like, let me watch my shows, though.
You know what I'm saying? Like, don't get involved with that.
Yeah.
Go read the paper or look at a computer screen.
I don't know, I'm already sick of him, and I haven't even met this man.
He getting on my fucking nerves.
That's a ton of stuff going on.
We need love.
Am I really leaving my whole life? Beth, Long Island is temporary.
The official slogan of Long Island.
Ugh, rude.
- I'm sorry.
- That's fine.
You know, I had to move back in with Grandpa, so - I know.
- Yeah, it's been rough.
I know.
Should we have one more? - Just half of one.
I gotta work tomorrow.
- I have to work too.
- Oh, yeah? What you gotta do, huh? Have merlot at some rooftop? - Yeah.
- That's not work, Beth.
- It's work for me, so - What are you doing? I'm visiting a vineyard.
"Visiting a vineyard.
" - Poor Beth.
- I know.
- Vineyard.
- Okay, okay.
Excuse me? Can we have one more? Thank you so much.
We appreciate it.
Ew! "Thank you.
" What's that voice? Why are you talking to her like that? - White guilt? - Um, no.
I'm just trying to be nice.
No, you sounded like you were trying to give her reparations.
- Shut up.
- Hey! Sister, two more rounds for the Jews.
Okay.
Can I borrow LaVar? Sure.
I'll be right back, guys.
Beth says fine.
Whatever.
She'll walk with Bobby.
But, um, what base is she willing to go to? - Please hold.
- Okay.
He wants to know what base you'll go to.
He wants to make sure you're comfortable.
Um, okay.
What should I tell him? - Second, right? - Yeah, okay.
Like, that's, like, I do him? - Do him? - Who are you? No one's doing anyone.
It's feeling you up.
Okay, um, okay.
Okay, yeah, second's good.
Over the shirt, over the bra.
Um, yeah.
Okay, okay.
It's good.
Okay, okay! Shh.
This way.
Oh, sorry.
Let's try that again.
Sorry, my bad.
You gotta trust me on that one.
And, uh, you know, I've been to Thailand about a dozen times or so, and, uh, for me, the trick is just to go alone.
Then you're just on your own schedule.
You're on your own time.
You're not burdened by other people's wants and needs and, you know, "I wanna eat here.
We want to eat here.
" Just do what you want.
And, listen, you've never had pad thai - till you've been to Thailand.
- Excuse me.
Hi.
Can someone help me? I'm here from Kerig Cellars.
- Uh, from New York City? - Yeah, that's right.
All right, give me one sec, folks.
Be right back.
Okay, how can I help you? Uh, I have an appointment with Gerald, the wine manager.
Uh, Gerald.
- It's pronounced Gerald.
- Gerald, okay.
- And, well, Gerald is me - Oh, well.
And as you can see, I'm with some customers right now, so if you can just be a little patient, I'd appreciate it.
Sure, I'll wait right here.
Uh, actually, uh, this section is for customers only, so if you don't mind waiting outside, - it'd be a big help.
- Okay.
Um, you know, I'm not really sure what your school of thought is, but for me, customer is never wrong.
But you city people don't really understand that, do you? Okay.
'Cause you're just so special.
Okay.
No time for other people's stories.
I'm just gonna wait.
I'll wait out there.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, that'd be great.
How we doing on that pinot, guys? Yeah, you know, actually, I would like for someone to take me on a tour - of your vineyard - Mm-hmm.
So I can do my job and sell your wine, make you money, so you let me know.
You gonna help me or want me to call the GM? I am personally slammed at the moment.
Are you? Because those people are leaving.
- Well, they're still here.
- Not really.
We'll just see if they come back, okay? And he just started his car.
- So - Just give him a sec, okay? Uh, John, our grounds manager, he'll be happy to help you, and you can find him in the barn.
Okay, thank you.
And the barn is just Uh, it's the building that looks like a barn.
- Right, thank you.
- You got it.
I really missed Long Island and its people.
- Well, welcome back.
- Thank you.
Just leave this open in case they come back.
Appreciate that.
Thank you.
Hello? John? Is there a John in here? Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
- Um, whose blood is that? - What? Are you John, the groundskeeper? - Yes.
- Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to ask you for a tour.
- Why can't Gerald do it? - He was busy.
- I'm also busy.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.
I'm just trying to do my job.
- You say sorry a lot.
- Do I? Do you think you could take me? Yeah, okay.
Um, did you wanna get cleaned up first? There's really no rush.
Yeah, I don't know if you wanted to take a look at this sales sheet.
It has your wines on it with different, like, possible I don't really deal with the wine.
You know, still, anything you wanna tell me about the it would be great.
That's the chickens over there, - but they go wherever they want.
- The chickens.
Yeah, anything I can pass on to the clients, just any little tidbits or That used to be corn.
Now it's just a cover crop, which is bullshit.
Oh, this is great.
These are stinging nettles.
Yeah, these don't get the credit that they deserve.
- Huh, can I pick one? - Harvest them.
When you gather herbs and vegetables, that's what you do.
Got it, harvesting.
Ow! Yeah, they're stinging nettles.
These can be very healing.
You can make tea with them.
Can I have, like, eight buckets then? It hurt that much? No, no, I, um sorry.
I, um I just meant I'm good.
- Oh, you mean emotionally? - Yeah.
I don't know why I said that.
I'm sorry.
I should just be grateful to be healthy.
You're right.
I didn't say that.
Yeah, I know.
That's just, like, what I got from the exchange.
Okay, because you said, "You're right.
" Hey.
That guy's waving at you.
I already said hi to him today.
I might like to show you the rabbit hutch.
Yeah.
Must be so cool working here.
Where do you work? Well, I'm a wine rep for Kerig.
Not the coffee.
- I hate Keurig coffee.
- Yeah.
It's bad environmentally, and it's bad coffee.
Single servings.
There's no good version of it.
Right.
Do you like working there? Well, I don't work there, but I do wine sales, so it's a lot of just, like, selling wine, having to entertain clients.
It's kind of exhausting pretending like people are funny or interesting.
Not like I'm so you know.
Sounds like you're an introvert.
No, I'm not some quiet weirdo.
- It just - I'm an introvert.
So how did you start working here? Why did you become a wine salesperson? I don't know.
I mean, I do know.
If you really wanna hear, I waited tables, and that sucked, so I you know, the wine reps would come in.
It just looked better, so I pursued that, and then I met my boyfriend ex-boyfriend.
Ex-fiancé.
- Sounds like a lot of guys.
- That's very funny.
You don't have to pretend I'm funny or interesting.
Do I seem happy to you? I mean, you don't seem very happy at work.
Well, I definitely didn't say that.
It's a great job.
People would kill for that job, so We can't all be out here gathering tingling nettles, you know? Stinging nettles.
What do you even do here? The owners would say I'm the groundskeeper.
I also run the kitchen.
Well, what would you say you do? Farmhand, field hand, hired hand.
It sounds like a lot of hands.
That's very funny.
I grew up here.
My great-grandfather farmed this land.
My grandmother used to cut hair over there.
Wow.
It must be incredible to have roots like that here.
Yeah, it's a special place.
- You know, lately, I've been - Tour is over now.
Okay, b thank you, John.
He's so cute.
He's so cute.
He's gonna ask you to the dance.
Hey, girls.
What's up, Amanda? Heard about you and Bobby last night.
Yeah, it's not really a huge deal.
We're kind of, like, hooking up now or whatever.
Well, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but you're not the only one.
He and Rose also hooked up last night, and I heard he went under the bra.
Rose is a rude girl.
She smells like old syrup.
I think they're, like, together now, and, like, most likely going to the Moving Up Dance together.
Good for them.
I have a boyfriend from upstate, so it's kind of better.
Amanda, we have to go.
We have a photoshoot.
Bobby's a loser, and Rose is butt ugly.
They can have each other.
I'm actually not hungry anymore.
Wanna share a cigarette? I stole it from the ground.
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.
I think it worked.
Here.
Here.
I am very sorry if I was a little bit peeved with you earlier.
I totally understand.
I just wanna do a good job so I don't have to go back to work.
Honey, I know, and listen, bygones, right? - Great.
- Wine under the bridge.
Perfect, yes.
And with that in mind, let us begin our magical tour of Three Trees Vineyard.
All right.
Now, this one is my favorite white.
"Cork and Fork Magazine" called it drinkable.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
It's insanely sweet.
Are you sure it's the right varietal? Uh, yeah.
It's the right varietal.
It's sauvignon blanc.
- Uh - Oh, nope.
Whoa, that's a Moscato.
- Right.
- Wrong wine.
- Yeah.
- That is a dessert wine.
And it is a little too young to be drank.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay? - Oh, you know.
Uh, I'm on these meds right now for my hips.
Yeah, you know, they say you're not supposed to drink on 'em, but I don't know.
It kind of seems to be missing the point, you know? Mmm.
Um Oh, God.
You good? Yeah, why don't you come back later? I'm gonna go sleep in my car for a few hours.
Oh, wow.
Yeah? Okay.
No problem.
Oh, God.
Beth! Beth! - Matt? - Beth! Oh, my God.
What the fuck? Beth! Beth! What are you doing? What the F, Matt? What are you doing? This horse is for you.
I want us to ride off into the sunset together.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
What are you doing? That flash mob, that was all wrong.
That's the kind of fun, cool, interesting thing that I like.
All right, I was thinking about myself.
This is about what you like.
No spectacle.
- Just you, me, and this steed.
- What are you doing? Where did you get that? Are you wearing eyeliner? Don't worry about that right now.
- Do you still love me? - Oh, my God.
Just can we get you down safely? When did you stop loving me? We were so good at the start.
No, we weren't.
Not really.
We never, like, fell in love, you know? - No, we love each other.
- We didn't evolve together.
I didn't know you were evolving.
No one said you were evolving.
I can evolve.
I'm always gonna be your friend.
Can we just get this horse home? No, if you don't get back together with me, I'm gonna do something.
I'm gonna hurt myself.
I'm gonna I'm gonna ride this horse into those trees.
- No, what? - I'm gonna do it.
- Get down.
- One! - Matt, stop it.
Oh, my God.
- Two! Matt, oh, my God, oh my God.
- Three! - No! - Four.
- What? Five.
Six.
- What's he counting? - Seven.
I don't know.
He's threatening to ride the horse into a tree.
It's he's never done anything like this before.
- The horse will turn.
- What? - It won't go into the tree.
- 11, 12! Oh, my God.
12! - Oh, my God.
- 12! - Oh, my God! - 12! - Matt, no! - 12! 12! 12! Oh, my God.
Oh, I can't breathe.
Are you okay? - Do you feel dizzy? - Yeah, my head hurts.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? - Look up, look up.
- Oh, my God, I'm bleeding.
I'm bleeding.
I'm bleeding so much.
No, this is dried blood.
You might have a concussion.
Cesar! I think I may be concussed.
Quick, somebody ask me who the president is.
Bring him to Bruce.
Bruce was a medic in the Navy, so if he isn't high, he can really help.
- Bruce, Bruce! - Bruce! This is Polly from the Allen Farm next-door.
Did you steal this horse? No, I gave her 200 bucks and a case of champagne for an hour with the engagement horse.
I'm gonna bring her back home.
Want me to come with you? No, no! This is something I need to do on my own.
I was talking to John, but take care of yourself.
Okay, all right.
Beth, you're gonna land on your feet one day, girl.
- I promise.
- Okay, bye.
Beth, I still owe the 200.
Thanks for your help.
That was insane.
I should have changed my clothes before giving you the tour.
No, it's fine.
And we should have fed the rabbits.
Another time.
- Yeah.
- Was that guy your boyfriend? He was.
You feel better now that you've broken up with him? I think so.
I mean, I know he wasn't the one for me.
I agree.
I mean, I don't know him, but I was able to gather a lot of information from his botched horse proposal.
- Thanks for saying that.
- Yeah.
It's been a really hard week Yeah.
But I'm actually totally fine.