Lilyhammer (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

FRANK: I don't want to relocate in the US.
It ain't safe around here no more.
You give us Aldo Delucci and we'll send you to the goddamn North Pole.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I am the police chief, and I insist that we go in.
Wouldn't you need a warrant for that? GEIR: (IN NORWEGIAN) There's something fishy about that guy.
Says he's American, but looks more like an Arab.
What's with you? If you will permit your lawyer to make a comment, this guy does have some very interesting ideas.
Giovanni Henriksen is Suleyman Bhatti.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Hey, nice to see you again.
Yeah? (IN NORWEGIAN) Oh, yeah, you guys are from the place down in the village? The problem is my colleague here let you charge a hundred grand on champagne, and your card bounced.
Well, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding with the card company.
We checked.
No misunderstanding.
(IN NORWEGIAN) This is just peanuts.
I like pennies.
I'm not going to let two hillbillies like you treat me like this, okay? (SCREAMS) (IN NORWEGIAN) No, no, no, no, no! - FRANK: Refreshing, isn't it? How long, boss? What is customary? That should do it.
Any new thoughts on my pennies? Okay, I'll pay.
I'll pay.
You see? Nothing clears the mind like an early-morning swim.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Let's see, my new MacBook should cover at least 20,000.
Jesus.
It's the shit.
Keep lookin'.
TORGEIR: Sjusjøen Belleview.
What's the story with this Snowshoes Belleview here? (IN NORWEGIAN) A mountain apartment resort that I'm involved in.
luxury apartments.
TORGEIR: Nice.
Hmm.
I'll tell you what, give me one of these condos and we'll call it even.
(CHUCKLES) (IN NORWEGIAN) But the cheapest units start at three million.
It says right here, 5% down.
Which just about covers your bill.
Take care of the rest later.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Well, we need a guarantee for the whole amount.
You don't trust me? (IN NORWEGIAN) It's not that, but Then we have a deal.
Or are you ready for another fucking swim? No.
I'll see what I can do.
You do that.
Look at this.
Yeah, it's radical.
It's a great condo.
You can live there and I can live there.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Taste these.
That one is made from potatoes, and that one from sour milk.
- Which one do you like the best? - This one is potato? I'm serving at the Birkebeiner race this year.
Then who will be in charge of security? That will have to be you.
- And the rest of the gang.
- We have a possible Guantanamo ex-con in town, and your priority is waffles.
I've put pressure on the PST to give me more info on Henriksen, so we can't really do much more.
Have you read this book? Global Terrorism.
terrorist targets? - (IN NORWEGIAN) No.
- Well, it's gatherings.
Emotional impact.
Media coverage.
(IN NORWEGIAN) This is the Birkebeine race.
We've got to be fully staffed.
(CHUCKLES) The sun is shining and soon the public will be partying.
Lighten up.
Well, the sun was shining in New York on September 10th, 2001.
Dear God.
JULIUS: Hello, and a big welcome to you all.
My name is Julius Backe, and I'm the project manager for Sjusjøen Belleview.
Ever since I worked as a ski instructor in the Alps, (LAUGHS) I've been fascinated by the mid-Europeans' ability to combine beautiful nature with design and shopping.
It's been my dream that we in Lillehammer should achieve the same goal.
Ladies and gentlemen, Sjusjøen Belleview.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING) SJUSJØEN BELLEVIEW Calm of nature - Pulse of a metropolis Thank you, Richard.
That almost gave me goose bumps.
Are there any questions? Hi there.
Tord, landowner, farmer, and eco-philosopher at the Nansen School.
According to these plans for the water and sewage pipes, almost the whole route will go over my property.
I haven't approved of that.
How did you get those? I guess some in the administration aren't as excited as you are.
All property owners will get a generous compensation.
I am not interested in your money or your shit.
Well, thank you all for coming.
I hope everyone will have some of the locally sourced cured ham that's ready in the dining hall.
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (SOBS) interrupting anything.
(IN NORWEGIAN) We men in the Backe family have always been prone to emotion when it comes to dealing with the world's folly.
That treehugger, some piece of work, huh? (IN NORWEGIAN) The Nansen School has always been like flypaper for Well, don't lose heart yet.
I've got a little proposition for you.
Okay.
Suppose I can talk some sense into that half-a-Michael Moore, would you be willing to sweeten the deal on my condo? (IN NORWEGIAN) I'll tell you one thing, John.
If you solve this thing, I'll make sure you get a west-facing penthouse without having to pay a cent! You got it, kid.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING) What the fuck? (SPEAKING FOREIGN DIALOGUE) Come again? (IN NORWEGIAN) But you already know that.
I've been driving for exactly one block.
I could not have been speeding.
Driver's license and registration, please.
Here you go.
(IN NORWEGIAN) But this isn't a fully valid American driver's license.
This is just class M.
What are you talking about? snow scooters and mopeds and stuff with this one.
What the fuck? You gotta give me a break here.
Come on.
What about that Elvis night we were talking about? Listen, comrade.
When I'm a police man, I'm a police man.
When I'm Elvis, I'm Elvis.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You'll just have to pay up.
(SINGING IN NORWEGIAN) I saw you last night on the street The city was cold and big I saw you were new to life I saw you were new up north And you gave me a smile Butterfly in winterland No one can take away from you The colors you gave to me May the dream you carry become true Butterfly in winterland (IN NORWEGIAN) A beautiful tune there, about new beginnings here up north.
Now, I'm greatly honored to welcome you all as citizens of the Kingdom of Norway.
(SINGING IN NORWEGIAN) Do you know it? (ALL SINGING IN NORWEGIAN) (PHONE RINGING) Agent Becker returning your phone calls.
It's about fucking time.
I looked into it.
The local police are right, your American license isn't valid.
How is that even possible? It seems like you've become the victim of a practical joke.
I'm not laughing.
Just get yourself a Norwegian license.
How hard can it be? This isn't fair.
I gave you Aldo fucking Delucci.
Not quite.
They've come up with alibis for the stuff you pinned on him.
He's gonna walk.
Fucking FBI.
No wonder the fucking terrorists are winning! (IN NORWEGIAN) Mom? (EXHALES DEEPLY) - Mom! - Yes? - Can I invite Håkon? - Of course.
You decide who you want to come.
Cool! (PHONE RINGING) "Dear Giovanni" Hello.
I need a driver's license.
I'm in a little hurry.
Can we get this done today? (IN NORWEGIAN) Dag, get your ass out here.
We've got an immigrant here who thinks he can get his license in a couple of hours.
All I want to do is drive a car, not the space shuttle.
(IN NORWEGIAN) In Norway, we take traffic security very seriously.
You need a basic driving class, a theoretical test, icy road practice, night driving and long-distance practice.
- And the dry-conditions test.
- It takes around two months.
No shit.
Wait a minute.
It's a stick? Nobody's seen a stick since the frickin '60s.
If you want a Norwegian driving license you must gear manual.
All right.
Yes, good.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Now, ride the clutch.
Ride it.
Careful.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Put it in reverse.
Carefully.
See, I got it.
(LAUGHS) What? So what? There's nobody around.
But when it is a stop sign it means full stop.
Okay, drive to the right now.
(IN NORWEGIAN) And where are we heading now? I've got some stuff I gotta do up in "Shoeshine.
" (IN NORWEGIAN) In the middle of our lesson? Yeah.
We're just driving around anyway, so what the fuck? (HORN HONKS) (IN NORWEGIAN) There you go.
Enjoy.
(CLUCKING) Welcome to the farm! John Henriksen.
I've got a little business to discuss if you got a minute.
Yeah, I'm here on behalf of some friends and we want to buy the place.
It's a generous offer.
It's not for sale.
Look, friend, this project's going to happen.
It's gonna happen the easy way or it's going to happen the hard way.
Ooh (IN NORWEGIAN) Is this a threat? Just a little friendly advice.
I'm not interested.
(IN NORWEGIAN) To use the words of Gandhi, you want to see in the world.
" Yeah, well, remember what Confucius said, "Man who pass on generous offer often wind up with an umbrella up his ass.
" Arve Østli - Commissioner Gudbrandsdalen Precinct MAN: (IN NORWEGIAN) As you've never seen Therese Johaug before.
Got five minutes? POLICE - I'm on my way to an important meeting - I'll be quick.
I'm the one working under Hovland.
Yes, Elvis from the Christmas party.
Yes.
Well, it's not really my style to go behind the back of my superior It's just, Hovland doesn't seem to take the security at the Birkebeiner race seriously enough.
Listen, Tvedt.
It's important to understand your role.
Aren't we going for standard procedure? Yeah, but this year we suspect there's a relocated ex-con from Guantanamo in town.
What? I haven't heard anything about this.
Is this intelligence from the PST? PST's holding their cards close on this one, but my gut feeling It's not the role of a local police chief's assistant to challenge the risk evaluations of national security agencies.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Arve, the national team have already started the ski waxing class, so you'll have to hurry.
Ski waxing class? Yes, I'm participating in the Birkebeiner with the Minister of Justice this year, so I consider part of my job to give a good performance.
(WHISTLES) (EXHALES) Okay now, let's not go all Blackwater here.
- We're just sending him a message.
- I got it.
I got it, boss.
I got it.
Just mess the place up a little bit so the treehugger knows we're not the kind of people you fuck with.
Yeah, I read you loud and clear, boss.
Now, make me proud and go hit a home run.
Fuckin' prick.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Did you fall asleep? Hey.
(CREAKING) Oh.
(GLASS BREAKING) (SCREAMS) (WOMAN SHRIEKS) Yeah, I got that, I got that.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Drive, drive, drive! Drive, drive, drive, drive, drive! Zaratustra! (PHONE RINGS) (IN NORWEGIAN) Arve Østli here.
This is Tord Haukenes I don't know whether you remember me, from that time Salman Rushdie visited the Literature Festival? Yes, quite.
It's quite busy at the moment But what is it about? Somebody killed our hen.
A possible hen-murder, you mean? Yes, the hen.
I'm in a conflict with some cabin capitalists and I think there's a link.
There's probably a natural explanation.
Natural explanation? A hen came through our window and landed on the bed with its neck broken.
Do you consider that natural? As far as I remember, you recently moved here from Oslo What the hell does that have to do with it? You're probably not used to living in the woods.
There are a lot of cases of birds getting injured flying into windows.
Honestly, this is extremely unprofessional.
Maybe you're used to having the police available 24-7.
We have scarce resources.
Siw.
Siw? Wait up.
(IN NORWEGIAN) No, look This is not a good time.
a birthday party now.
Have I mixed up the dates or something? - Giovanni! - My man! (IN NORWEGIAN) Did you invite Giovanni? Yes, you said I should invite my friends.
I can come back another time.
Well, come in.
(IN NORWEGIAN) It'll be nice.
Wow.
Look! SIGRID: Can I offer you some soda? Sounds great.
The others are drinking a mixture of Coke and Solo.
What do you say, gang? Happy birthday, my friend.
BOYS: Whoa! Yeah, you like that? (LAUGHS) Yeah, enjoy it, you know.
Got a nice piece here.
Hmm.
(BELL DINGS) (IN NORWEGIAN) Hello.
Welcome! Remember to behave, Embrik.
Come in.
I'd appreciate it if you could be a bit careful with candy.
He's not used to it and he can get a bit hyperactive.
Don't worry.
We'll take good care of him.
- Yeah.
- Okay, goodbye.
Look what Johnny gave me! But you didn't have to buy him something that expensive.
I just had it laying around.
Didn't know it was so important.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Exciting.
Thanks.
- What is it? - A scratching stick.
For scratching your back.
See.
SIGRID: That's neat! Great gift, Embrik.
At my house we don't approve of materialistic gifts.
Excuse me? It's good that we're all different.
You speak English? English, German and Esperanto.
Well, listen up, Einstein.
It's not polite to disrespect other people's gifts.
Especially when you're giving away trash you found in your backyard.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Well, I think both gifts are nice.
- Now, who wants some cake? - (BOYS EXCLAIMING) I'll get the cake.
Listen.
There's something I have to talk to you about.
Okay.
the right time or place, I just need to tell you, I (IN NORWEGIAN) Bang-bang, you're dead! Goodness me Lie down.
Lie down, I said.
You're dead, I said.
So lie down on the floor! Help.
Now I'm dead.
(GROANING) (EXHALES DEEPLY) I just got a little dizzy.
Try and take it easy.
Try and take it easy.
(EMBRIK SCREAMING) (SPEAKING FOREIGN DIALOGUE) I'll tell you one thing, that's the reason why I never wanted to have kids.
So, what'd you want to talk about? Hmm? You know, you started to say something (IN NORWEGIAN) No, no.
I hope for your sake that Embryo brat's not staying over.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I promised to drop him off.
at that Farm Shop at Ringsaker.
You know? Hmm.
Hmm.
I know it.
- (IN NORWEGIAN) Mom.
- Hi.
Geez.
- A taxi? - Johnny gave me a lift.
- Who's Johnny? - Jonas' stepfather.
I didn't know Sigrid had a boyfriend.
He's English.
He says hi.
He told me to ask you about the farm.
I want you to stay far away from that man.
You're dead, Mom.
Where did you get that? You can't play with that sort of thing! (INHALES DEEPLY) That smell is familiar.
Macchiato? Remember how we used to sit at Fru Hagen on Sunday mornings and drink café lattes and read newspapers? Siw, what's gotten into you? This country life.
It didn't turn out the way we planned.
We knew it would be hard in the beginning.
Hard? People here don't like us.
It's affecting Embrik as well.
He didn't behave like this in Oslo.
I think you should accept that offer.
I'll take the kids back to Grünerløkka, and you can come if you want.
Siw? Siw! TUTOR: To find the place, you use two fingers, feel the upper bone here, compress You do that thirty times, and then blow.
I hope this means what I think it means.
where I could find you, so You will have the money by Friday, my friend.
You're doing the right thing here.
By the way The kid's toy pistol.
I'll get it back to him.
All right.
Oh, uh By the way, what happened to Gandhi and "be the change you want in the world" and all that? (IN NORWEGIAN) I've calculated the costs of postponing the project.
Yeah, it isn't exactly a fun read.
We're very busy at the moment.
We're busy.
Oh, yeah? Well, you might want to find room on the agenda for this.
(IN NORWEGIAN) What the hell? You got the hippy to sell his farm? I told you I would, didn't I? (LAUGHS) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy, now.
Take it easy, big guy.
Easy? Do you know what this means? (IN NORWEGIAN) Now we can start the sales with a blast at the Birkebeiner race.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
(IN NORWEGIAN) What do you mean? No, just gotta make a deal with the new owner.
You own it? (IN NORWEGIAN) Aren't we the ones buying? Not exactly.
Technically, he left it in my name and I made the deposit, so I guess it's my property.
But didn't we agree that you should get the penthouse? Yeah, the penthouse is still good.
But lately, I've been getting a little concerned about the environment.
What? Well, for instance, if I was to be made partner in the Belleview project, I suppose that would alleviate my environmental concerns.
ANNOUNCER ON PA: There is a special offer on deer sausage and moose sausage at Gausdal General Store.
You get 2 for 1 on deer sausage and moose sausage.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Welcome.
Thomas, you must meet our new partner properly.
Whoa! (IN NORWEGIAN) Why, hello.
Winter sports.
Okay, that's nice.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Sure.
- Thank you.
Glad you like it.
By the way.
You sure he's not too How can I put this? thirsty for the job.
Well, he's a party guy, but he can sell camel shit to the Arabs.
He gets the job done.
- Okay, cheers.
- Cheers.
- To camel shit.
- To camel shit! Okay.
(MAN ANNOUNCING ON PA) Hello, hello, hello! (IN NORWEGIAN) Welcome.
A little refreshment.
For you, too.
This is a rare opportunity.
Sjusjøen Belleview.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Don't forget the outdoor jacuzzi.
I tried it myself, and I promise you Starting at 3.
8 million.
But you get a lot for the money.
I don't know if we can afford that.
Now.
With that gorgeous wife, you have to act.
What's your email? DagSolstad@kjoereskole.
no.
Okay.
Dag Solstad.
Yvonne, Yvonne.
So, Mr.
Driving Instructor.
Call me crazy, but it looked like your wife wanted a condo.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You got that? I can make it happen.
Yeah, I'm one of the owners.
Get you a great deal.
Just need a little something in return.
A little something? Yeah, a little laminated something that says I can drive in Norway.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Well, that's not really by the book.
The book, the book.
Always the book.
You think that pretty little wife of yours cares about the book? If you can give me a good deal, a very good deal, I can talk to a buddy at the traffic authority.
You got it.
- (IN NORWEGIAN) Hey there.
- Hi.
Waffle? No, thanks.
I have snacks in my spare time.
Look here.
So that I can reach you if a situation arises.
Radio contact? Is that really necessary? Communication is one of the most important weapons we've got in the war against terror.
Now, don't talk like that.
People might get scared.
Can I have two hot dogs? Of course.
Excuse me, but aren't you in charge of zone 3? Yes.
But I can't do my job if I'm hungry.
We don't leave our post just because our stomach starts rumbling.
(PEOPLE CHANTING) - Hey, doll.
- Hi.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Nice of you to come.
Yeah, sure.
Alpha to Bravo.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Has the eagle landed? (GIRL LAUGHING) For God's sake Is the minister on his way into the stadium? Stupid idiot.
Jonas here? Yes, he just went to get something to drink.
Good, I wanted to give this back to him.
Alpha to all units! Hitman observed near finish line! This is not a drill.
(ON RADIO) I repeat.
: this is not a drill! Fucking hell.
What's that you're saying? I got a visual on Henriksen with a pistol! Code red! Do not let the Minister of Justice into the run up to the finish line! Are you serious? For God's sake, Laila! Do you want to be responsible for the Minister's death? Get out of the way! (CHANTING) Drop the weapon! It's a toy.
Oh, yeah, right.
Stop, stop, stop.
(IN NORWEGIAN) What are you doing? We have identified a security risk at the stadium.
You'll have to wait.
Is this one of yours? Hope you know what you're doing, Hovland.
We've only got minutes to win the badge.
Hovland to Tvedt, over.
It's just a toy gun! What are you doing? What the fuck are you looking at? Alpha to Hovland.
Abort operation.
False alarm.
False alarm, you say? I repeat: Abort operation.
This, Laila I'm sorry.
Fuck, fuck.
Congratulations! We just missed the badge.
Six months of blood, sweat and tears right down the drain.
We are so sorry for this, Arve.
Sorry? And you, Elvis, I heard you attacked an innocent class of immigrants here to learn about Norwegian culture.
But, listen.
He was a suspect, and he had a weapon.
Enough! You'll get plenty of opportunities to explain.
The Minister of Justice is furious, so there will be an internal investigation.
SIGRID: You okay? It's all right.
- Yeah.
Actually, you got any aspirin? (IN NORWEGIAN) I think I have some in my purse.
Purse.
I really think we need to talk.